Bitter - Sweet

My heart is very heavy right now because the boy is no longer mine. We are just friends now. He will someday belong to someone else. And someday I will too.

I forgot how much I like the light

So I think that I'm over the boy.

Today I was able to listen to "our" song without tearing up. I'm happy. I really am happy today.

He and I are getting together Sunday to work out the aftermath of the whole ordeal, we have decided to remain friends, because we do get along well until emotions get involved. But just after I meet him, I have a date with a new guy... I'm just looking forward to the future.

I'm traveling down my own road, watching the signs as I go, I think I'll follow my heart, it's a good place to start. I'm no longer traveling with you watching the signs as I go, I've chosen to follow the sun... Quicker than a ray of light I'm gone boy, for someone else will be there through the endless years.....

I'll get over

I still feel a twinge of pain in my heart when I hear a Cher song.
I still have an image of you in my mind when I see someone with a goatee.
I still think of you just before I go to bed, and the phone call you promised to make, but I know will never come.
I still remember our first kiss.
I still think that I will get stronger from this, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier right now.
You still occupy a portion of me, and everyday I push you out a little more.

I'll get over you.

And then seeing you out with your new love will be a pleasant surprise, I will feel no remorse or pain.

But I still and always will hold a special place in my heart for you.

pain

If I were to depart, chasing foolish ambitions in distant lands, would my absence cause a small pain in your heart?
When the snow blew cold over the land, and I see my solitary reflection in the mirror, will you shed a tear in my memory?
After weathering a long, brutal storm alone, could you look me in the eye and tell me that you are happy?

I'm lost,
I'm torn,
But I go on,
I go on.

I've tried to melt your heart. You've turned cold inside, resisting any emotion I may show for you. I'm at a loss, I'm at a crossroads. Like cold butterfly wings, my hopes crumble under the weight of your absence and indifference.

therapy over coffee

My friend D has all the answers it seems. Or not the answers, but helps me to see things from a different perspective. And she has been my sanity lately. She told me straight up that I think too much into things and just need to enjoy what I have.

Nobody can see the future. If this doesn't work out for me, then that's life. Relationships begin and end everyday.

But what if he's already bored of me? What if I'm just not what he's looking for?

Lately I feel that I have totally been off my game. And not dating, just I'm not me these days. But I am out to return to me.

He has been good to start me thinking about changes that I've been needing to make, but never seem to come around to doing. Enough vulgar language, enough being lazy. I need to put my life together where I can be happy with it. And isn't that what it's about? Being happy with your life?

I'm traveling down this road watching the signs as I go, I need to follow my heart, and keep the sun in my perspective.

Let Go

My stomach is all tied up in knots. I'm trying to let him go. I'm trying to trust him. I'm trying to learn how to be in a relationship. I'm scared of commitment. Once I commit to someone, they then have the power to hurt me. I don't give that power to anyone. But I need to give it away in order to be in a relationship. I can't be suspect all the time. It would drive me insane. If he wants to hang around on his own accord, then I learn more about him.

Tonight I've wanted to go to an art walk where local artists open their galleries and exhibit and one can purchase if wanted. He wasn't very excited about it in the first place, but agreed to come. But now it's raining downtown. So he emailed me that is was raining and asked what the plan was then. I made a suggestion and also opened it up to suggestions.

If he didn't want to be with me, why would he have already invested so much time in me? I've been single all my life. I can survive that way. I would love to try and share something with him, and try I will.

That is why I'm letting him go. If he stays by his own will, then as I said, I learn about him.

I have to play these mental games with myself right now.

And he has made no indication that he is going any where, and has actually been very much the opposite. I'm just that insecure.

funky

I don't like it when I regress to a person I used to be, or at least demons that I have been fighting for a very long time, resurfaced in a vengance lately. I know what sparked it, just why I can't say. Wish I understood my psyche better. It's scary and hard to go on. Curling into a small ball and closing my eyes sometimes would feel better... but then everyone has their trials.

music

Music makes the people come together.

I LOVE San Diego

I'm in Sand Diego now. Waiting for the boys to get ready so we can go to a car show and then be out and busy about. I think I like it a lot here. I could live here. We went to a bar called Flick's last night. It was a video bar. I must admit I like the music at the video bar in Scottsdale much more. There the DJ plays more top 40 and the popular songs that some fags hate to love... Like old Madonna, anything Janet, Christina's "Dirrty" is usually there.

But I did find it funny that both bars have their drink specials on Wednesday. Must be a video bar thing.

I think today we are going to a car show, and then to the Spaghetti Factory to eat and meet up with some people that we met last night at the bar...

Meeting people is one of my favorite things to do. It's so interesting to get to know a stranger. It's like a drug for me, I love it.

B made nut brittle yesterday and this morning it has to be the best breakfast that I have ever had! Only for a minute I was worried that my tooth broke off in the chewing process.

vaya

no he podido esta vez, vuelvo a caer. que importa nada si no se reir, no se sentir. quiero llorar, quiero darte un beso sin pensar. quiero que me ensenes a jugar. se que me vuelto a perder, que vuelto a desenterrar todo aquel que pase.

hoy he dejado de hablar. quiero disimular. reinviento. quiero que mi mundo deje de girar. quiero que mis manos tengan fuerzas para dar.

no se como explicar que solo puedo llorar. necesito la paz se que esconden tus ojos, que se anuncia tu boca,

cuenta me aquella historia de princesas y amores que un vez te conte yo.

draft

Should I just smile, go to bed or throw a party? All of my clothes feel like someone's old throw-aways. These cucumber eyes glimmer in the light of another. All colors go where you do. I feel so powerless. I need to stop this somehow and be happy. For you. The window glass reflects where you once stood. Rain still falls on that soggy plain in spain. argentina still shouldn't cry. I want to buy you a small mixing bowl for the reception. You'll still be on my Christmas list. old jeans are comfortable, like an old lover. past is in the past. assimilate past and future. adoring you, all good. beauty, you know me inside out. even my dark secrets. I have to love you, I can't help love you. I'm happy for you. my head is happy for you. my heart stopped 20 minutes ago. my heart is beating just fine. my heart understands too. I'm telling my heart to be happy for you. it is. it'll come around.
It's good to be in love.
I'm happy you're in love.

I'm happy you're in love

(why's it happening? how's it happening? that you're feeling it without me.)

a dios le pido

estoy perdiendo las ganas de escribir. lots of shit has come down and lots and lots of wonderful things to be happy about. I am loving life right now. I am going to San Diego in just two weeks I'll be there!!!! I love San Diego. I also am much closer with the straight boy and I know for a fact that I can only ever be friends with him, but really good friends. I called the girl today. I think we might hang out later. Yes I'm gay. Or I think I am. Why do I like a girl? Why am I attracted to her. My roommate would roll over in his grave if he were dead. I just don't think that once gay you can never go back. Do I make any sense?

new beginning

This semester has drawn to a nice close. I've put the books away and boxed up the backpack until January. But I did leave a few text books out so as to read some and review. I'm sure there's a book nerd somewhere in my soul, I just need to find him.

Last night I went out to celebrate the end of school, and met someone rather nice. He is from Seattle, and has been in town for about a year, but is just now coming out. He has lived in Seattle and San Francisco and NEVER went to a gay bar there (and is now going to bars in Phoenix, wow. Living in solid "10" cities and then moving to a "3" city, in my opinion, it's probably best he didn't have any thing to compare to, if so, one word: disappointment). So I'm kind of excited to help him get his feet under him, and what's hard is that he's attractive and smart and REALLY nice, kind, generous, and gentlemanly. But I've told myself that he's beginning and more than likely with his new found freedom and sense of self, he'll need to "experiment" as we all did. So I've told myself that friendship is as far as I can go.
And he's new meat, so all the wolves will be after him. But you always remember the friends there with you at that time of your life, right?

Since school is over, I'm feeling free, and like I have SOO much time on my hands. So this morning I cleaned the kitchen and my room and should have gone to work out and run, but that is tonight and tomorrow. So the cute straight boy works out, so does the new guy. I NEED TO GET OFF MY FAT ASS AND GET TO THE GYM. No more excuses. So starting tonight, I'll do yoga, and then run and lift tomorrow morning. I need to. end of story.

A great read for the season is Here. This story made me feel all warm inside. I think I may be been somewhat inspired, but quickly moved that feeling out of mind... hehe.

www.dooce.com

I must insist that all read today's entry on dooce.com. Good, funny stuff.

Now Serving Bitter, Party of One

Today, being Friday, I sent out text messages that stated "Happy Friday!" to various people. Because I'm very happy that today is Friday (I'm sure everyone is).

I can be somewhat conniving, and so I sent a text to JV. Yep the same one who didn't return my text over 1.5 weeks ago when I asked the simple question, if he had heard of the movie Closer. So when I got his text back, it stated: "To you too. How ya doing?"
Well I'm pulling my 13 year-old card and not going to answer back. That will show him, damnit!

And then reality sets in and I realize that he probably doesn't even remember I texed him in the first place. sigh. Yeah, the wind has been taken out of my sails. Oh well. But at least for like .3 seconds I felt like I would get him.

I guess when I'm the one who likes, I'm always the "loser."

Early Morning

The only time I'm ever awake to see the sun rise is if I stayed up all night. After a really huge night of going out and all that, I got home just in time to watch the sunrise reflect off the buildings of up-town Phoenix. This is a view from my balcony at about 6AM some time ago. The silence and tranquility of the moment seem to come back to me when I look at the picture. I remember I stood out there for a long time just thinking, meditating. Crucial parts of any existence. I don't do that like I used to. But I'm looking forward to school's end so I can have a bit more time to contemplate life and my next move.

If I Were a Girl

This is my coworker. Looking up to see her fate. After begging me to erase this picture, I advised her to just accept the inevitable. She is the funniest girl I have met. Hilarious. Her wit is unprecedented. And she's always in a good mood. Sometimes I'll say things just to see what her return statement will be. I love it.

Over It

I'm over the whole camera phone thing. It was really cool to begin with, but now I think that I'd just rather have a camera. That takes good quality pictures. But that won't happen for awhile. So I'm going to start taking really crappy quality pictures with my phone and post them here de vez en cuando. I don't worry about letting people know that they will be posted. The camera is of such quality that any discernible features of my models will probably not be captured.
I think it will be fun.
Last night was out of control. I got really drunk and have been trying to get over the hangover since. I should know that I don't do well with the hangovers. They attack me very ferociously. But the straight boy and B were all about getting me drunk, while they themselves got drunk. Then the night escalated until we found ourselves naked and... wait, that didn't happen. We just went to IHOP for some good 'ol drunk grubin'. YUM!
I think I'm having bowel problems because of that. Or maybe not.
But no studying was done this morning, and so I'm going to study tonight. I have to. I have to take a test tomorrow at 7:40AM. Who in their right mind would expect a person to have the wherewithal to take a test at that hour? I don't know either.
But I have swallowed a whole smurf tonight in order to study and not get too distracted.

Cheers to me and studying!

Fast Food

So today I smell like I camped all night in Jack in the Box. My roommate left his (damned) deep fryer on all night. Not only is that a fire hazard, wasting electricity, and making the apt smell really bad, makes food really greasy (but at the same time irrisitable)... I smell really bad. ugh. Tonight will consist of opening windows, lighting candles, rewashing my pants that were drying in the living room, and Febreezing everything. then I think that I wasn't going to go out, but I think that I will go out to get away from the stench. And to celebrate that there's no school tomorrow.

Note: Looks like me and my french-fry-smelling trousers will be heading out tonight to hang with the cute straight boy and company. Did I mention that the cute, straight boy was mormon once upon a time too? It's nice having a cohort in crime.

And we lived happily ever after.