Still working through...

I still have to close my eyes while the internal storm and numbness sets in.
Despite thinking that I was over it.
When I read that you have moved on and I still stand still with my dirty hands.
I'm left quiet and disturbed.
Numb.
I still want to blame you for everything.

I thought I had a handle on it all.
I thought I had no more emotion.
I thought I was done finally.
But I still want you to hurt like you hurt me.
The return of Saturn.

Still...

I'm still hindered by my own disdane. I wish I could let go, but I have learned that sometimes I'm not meant to be happy in every aspect of my life. Something has to give.

So I finally have some free time to muse. Sitting at the airport in Omaha waiting for my flight to board, an hour to go.
I'm 29. I want to have goals for this year. I want to start my 30s on a good, solid footing. So many thoughts swirl in my head as to what I want to accomplish by May of next year. I feel like I have a lot already set in motion.
So my goal is in two major areas: I want to get a much better body and I want to get a 3.5 GPA in school this next semester. I have a lot of other goals, but those are big ones because they require a lot of dedication. I will have to sacrifice a lot for them, but looking over the past years that I have spent in my 20s, I feel that I have been extravagant enough. I have had, and enjoyed the good foods, now it's time to be healthy. I have done poorly in school, but now I need to perform, and not only get good grades, but actually learn the information because this is my profession and what I am going to be doing to help people.

Writing to write to express to be

The rain came down on the window of the red car. The wipers needed to be replaced. The trees swam by in a blur. It had been hours since leaving the house.

The lights were low. sillouettes darted back and forth. The beat was intoxicating. Pulsating through veins, fibers, tissues. Moving, bouncing, gliding, driving, tapping, snapping, clapping, other hot bodies turning, bending on the floor. Feeling the touch of strangers swaying to the same call, the same rhythm, separate in a mass as one.

I was waiting for you. You told me to be there, to wait there for you. So I waited, in the night. Just one word I wanted to hear. My pain could have been cured. Just one lie broke my soul. Underlying emotions being swept in the waves of out sea. So I leave, I leave without knowing if you ever really kissed me. I can pretend all is peaceful, wonderful, the memories only bring smiles and laughs. But just one gesture brought back my memory, those that now make me cry. You knew me, but never got to know me. I handed you my heart, and you sold it to the wind. I know have my own path, and I leave.

What are you doing? I never was supposed to meet you, so leave. I don't feel safe anymore since you bring out my weaknesses. Maybe I can just pretend that you will love me. Don't let my imagination run away with me. But it just isn't meant to be, not planned. I don't want to feel anything for you, stop making me feel. I was so happy on my own. The world turned over and under, really stop getting any closer to me. You're already making this too hard and complicated. This can't be happening. I run for cover, trouble ensuing. I can't resist you any more, I nearing my point of no return. I'm at bay, a siege, surrounded, I can only give in to survive, I can only try to let you love me since I never had the chance to chose to love you or not. I wish I wasn't so weak, it's all your fault.

I'm trading in my social smile for a taste and smell of something real.
The whirlwind in my head no longer trying to comprehend you or your thoughts.
I accept you how you want me to perceive you.
I understand the work involved, I do it too.
But some things cannot be bought, only given.
I thought it was what I wanted. So badly.
But I have changed my mind.

I try to learn to see the sky. To measure it's blue.
I want to taste the salt of the ocean and appreciate its life.
The strum of a guitar in the night equates peace.
Coloring a paper princess with a future queen at my side.
The text into my brain to lighten my doubts.

My energy is finite. My love infinite.
I hope, I have always hoped,
and I will forever hope. Forever evolve,
forever change, forever question.

Life is here and now. I am here and now.

I wish we were talking. I heard this amazing new song today; you'd love it.
The hallway is still, the lights are on and my keys dangling in the doorknob.
The light brush of your hand on my memory.
Were you afraid to fall? Were you scared to fly?

I load the dishwasher, remembering your advice.
I hold the frame for a picture, but there's no camera.
Close your eyes, it's getting late again, but no sleep comes.
Looking under my bed for lost tokens and tickets to ride.

The sun streams though the curtains. Making my walls striped.
Canceling the thoughts before they can impulse my veins.
Imagining what life could be, when I'm back to normal.
I stepped from one roller coaster to another.

Ice in my water, condensation dripping on the table.
I just wasn't prepared for the end of the show.
Let's just get back on and ride the big one, give it all.
But I guess we did, and now it's come to a complete stop.

still live to tell

You had to tell me when the sky was blue and clear.
You had to tell me to listen to the music in the breeze.
You told me how to dance to time.

Like a ribbon tied around my senses I kept myself from living.
I waited for the clouds to part rather than enjoy the rain.
I stayed on the ground not trusting my balance.

The illusions came, you presented them to me.
I looked into them, into your eyes and believed.
Soon they faded, you no longer played your charade.

You left me weak and a mess. I forgot who I was.
I departed from you, but always turning to look back.
I wasn't ready.

Who were you to affect me so much?
Who were you that I handed my soul over to you?
Who was I that I let go so easily?

But now I see on my own, I hear on my own again.
I am happy to feel and sense on my own again.
A lesson you are still teaching, I am still learning.

But I recognize, and remember. I am still learning of myself.
I am not afriad to fall again, it will happen, I am only human.
I am not afraid to love again, I am human afterall.

Caution is now guilded in my actions, for I am still new.
Action is my plan, and walking, running, loving, laughing.
With myself, with another, but fully with myself.

Finishing Thoughts

No longer do you ask to be excused.
You just leave.
You don't speak of you and me.
The excuses were here before you were.
You don't look at me like you used to.

I need to ask you to let me be.
I need time.
You still hurt here inside.
No one can live with such venom.

You should recognize by now when you have begun to break a heart.
You do is so well.

I hope that you still hope for hope.
But patience has gone to my feet.
I flood myself in unconcious gestures,
painting on my smile. looking without seeing.
Waiting for your absence.

No one can live such a life.
The hope your love gave me I never felt before.
No one can die from this venom,
only slowly go mad.

I need you to just leave,
and please let me be.
You still hurt inside me where you dwell.
You should stop breaking hearts.

warm

The grey sky fit my stomach. I watched the drops of rain sprinkling from the sky. The world seemed to hold it's breath, watching the few drops of water fall.

I put on my coat and walked out into the misty silence. The clouds were low in the sky. No one was out, it was barely light. The first rays of the sun caught this delicate closing to a ferocious night.

The morning was cool, the desert drinking in all the liquid. The rain picked up some but I didn't mind. My mind was in the clouds. Just as quickly as it had started the rain backed off to the light drizzle. The light few stronger and the clouds showed signs of thinning.

I wanted to freeze the world. I wasn't ready for the sunlight. I wasn't ready for my clouds to lift. I broke into a jog, the purpose of this outing. I wasn't ready to let go. So much happened so quickly that I wasn't ready to let it go. I was happy, I was building a life, I was ready to feel something new. But just as quickly as it started, it ended.

The sun broke in thin streams through the clouds. The rain had stopped. I stopped and looked up to the sky. The silence of the world around me enveloped me. It stopped the clamor in my head. I breathed and began to walk, then to jog.

Things were good for me. I knew this was all for the best, all for my better.

It's funny how the past blurs the tears and pain.
It's funny how I can't remember much of the bad,
the good is what my mind recalls.
All the times I would wait for you to come around.
All the times I waited for you.

I wonder, did you really want to live that way?
Did you want to hurt me?
Why are you running away?

Maybe someday I'll look back and see
you never meant to be cruel.
It's just that someone hurt you too.

I tell myself

It's okay to remember the good times,
and the bad.
It's okay to remember laughter,
and tears.
It's okay to think of eyes lighting up.

Keep your head held high,
Don't look behind, life isn't fair.

It's okay to run away fast,
but also okay to kiss goodbye.
It's okay to cry when you stumble and fall.
It's okay to cry out in the night.
No more tears, it will be alright.

Fight to be strong, and understand fear is okay too.

It's time to forget the past
and learn to forgive.
Promise to try.
Memories may play games with your mind.
Faded smiles frozen in time.
Hang on, promise to try.

rinse and repeat

Day one. Day one again.
I feel like I start over each day.
I box up yesterday.
Store it in a corner,
or throw it out.

Forward is a slow process,
but standing still isn't an option.

I close my eyes and remember the good,
the great of my life.
Why should I feel sad?
For what I never had?
But all that I do have surrounds me, and is abundant.
It is enough. More than enough.
I am blessed.

So day one is here again.
I chose to go on, go on.
Standing still is not an option.

still here

Heal. I hate that word because it usually means that there's pain involved. My mind is all over the place. I don't know what I feel any more. I'm tired of feeling bad. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm just tired of not being over Matt. He has moved on. Calls me the "ex who still has feelings." He is so over me it's like we never had a past together in his head.

So now I heal. I need to focus on me. I focus on my life. I went for a run. I will do homework tonight. I will go to bed. Wake up and do a little homework and go to the gym. Then work, come home and do more homework. I need Ryan time. I don't want much contact with him. I need me own space for awhile.

still, after this much time...

My mind still wanders to Matt and tries to understand what I'm not meant to understand. I still want to know why he let me go. But I know. I want to know why he feels the way he feels, and why he can't feel the way I want him to. I want him to like me still.

But so much of it feels like a dream that happened a long time ago. We have worked on building a new friendship. I do view him as my friend. But there is still some past of the old Matt that I dated that returns to my mind and makes me wish he were back, whatever he was to me.

It's more meta-physical, like a memory that I had of something good and I remember wanting that, and so I want it back because that's how I remember it. But when I think of Matt, I don't want him back because I guess I have moved on from him. I'm happy with the friendship, with how things have turned out. But there's still that empty that I remember he filled and so I sometimes wish for him to fill it again.

There was a lot of bad that I put up with. But it's funny how I forget that part.
But it's obvious that we did the best for us. He needs to be alone, and I need to remember that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel for me.

The other night, I asked him if he had any residual feelings for me. He said that he felt bad and didn't want to answer. I said he needed to tell me the truth because I needed to hear it. He said that he is checked-out on guys all together. That he just cannot feel any deep emotion for anyone right now.
I then asked why he dated me. He said because I was everything that he could want, and his head said to date me, and he wanted to like me, and he wanted to be in a healthy relationship, but his heart just never felt it.

His heart was never into me.
I want, I deserve someone who is into me both mind, body, and heart.

So in the end, I don't want Matt, I don't want what he had to offer because it wasn't much.
But sometimes I still want that hole in my heart to be filled, and right now I remember the memory of when it was filled, and it was him filling it, and so in that sense, I still miss him.

Still Trying to put it in the Past

I stumble under the weight.
I try to put it in the past.
But I keep holding on to this illusion.
I'm not ready to try and live without you.

But I'm tired of feeling this pain,
What good does it do me now?

I want to let go, no longer slip into your memory.
I want to fly away and feel the sun on my face.
But all I can feel is the shadow of your absence.
I guess I need more time to figure it out.

Part of me still beleives that you'll come back.
Part of me still believes that we will work it out.
Part of me wants to cry out for your return.
But I need to say goodbye to you, as my lover, forever.

I'm tired of feeling this pain,
what good does it do me now?

I'll get it all figured out it time.

So now I learn to let go of our relationship, let go of the good times and bad times we shared as lovers, but I tell myself to look forward to the friendship we can now build... funny that I got my wish of being able to still be in his life as a friend. I'm happy and should be glad, as it could have been much worse. I might have never had the chance to try and love him, and I wouldn't have known his worth, and how beautiful he is both inside and out. And I learned more about my worth.

I know there's someone out there waiting for me... be it someone new, or a new Matt who has learned about himself, progressed, and can now give himself to a relationship, I don't know. But I know that everything happens for a reason and I will go forward with faith.

raw words expressing raw emotions

M and I had lunch yesterday. I told him that I still wasn't over him and wasn't ready for things to end. I also told him that I understand though that they need to be over, or we cannot be romantically linked right now. I told him that I understand that friends is best for where he and I are at in out lives.
It still hurts to think of him as just a friend when I was wanting so much more. And I still do. But with time the pain will wane and eventually go away.
He opened up that he isn't happy with where he is in life right now. He still needs to get over his ex, he needs to get his life in order.
I said that I will be there to help out, to be a friend, a shoulder to cry on and someone to laugh with. I miss my Matty but I know that this is for the better, despite the pain I feel right now. I am prepared to make that sacrifice to be his friend.

So I need to say goodbye to Matty my lover, say thank you for the good times and the bad because I learned from there. But still say goodbye to the past. Bye Matt, I will miss you as my lover, but I look forward to building a good, healthy friendship with you.

So I say goodbye, lower my head and close my eyes. And I open them and look up to see you still there, as a friend in my life. Thank you Matty.

So I can be overbearing. I need to remember to listen. I need to remember to feel for where he is. We are going to have lunch on Sunday. I need to not control the lunch, but let it go. Let it go where it takes us.

Thoughts about where I am

I don't think I want to do anything this Friday night with anyone. I feel like I should do some homework and then go to bed. I'm tired. I have had a productive day as far as house tasks, but have done no homework yet. I need to get to that.

But I was walking out to my car when a realization seemed to unload into my head all at once. I realized that these past two weeks of M and I being broken up have been so good for me. I say good because they have forced me to focus on myself. I have had to do things with me to keep busy and keep my mind of the absence of M in my life. I have gotten reacquainted with who I am again and what I want.
The realization was that I was running full force towards a life with Matt, I was running to him, but I was running away from me. He wanted to move slow, and yet after two months I began to think how soon it would be before I could convince him to move in together. Two months. I think I scared him off. I think that he was feeling suffocated. I think he was feeling like he was drowning. I think he was feeling like he was getting in way over his head, and it was me who was causing him.
I've taken a step back and find that I need time for myself. I need to focus on school, gym, making sure I'm where I need to be. That takes time and energy. I was focusing on Matt and putting too much too soon into him, into us.
The realization also showed that he isn't to blame completely. I was pushing for something he wasn't ready for mentally or emotionally. I scared him off. He couldn't keep up with me. He wasn't ready to lose himself in a relationship with me. And I'm grateful he didn't because I see that I wasn't healthy.
Entering a future relationship, I need to remember to take time for me, especially at the beginning. I bull-dozed too quickly into M's life and I see now that it's not that his heart wasn't opening for me, it just wasn't opening as quickly as I was forcing it to. So he had to make the decision to call it off. He was looking out for himself. He was just doing what he felt was best.

I'm happy with who I am, but still get insecure. I still avoid things, I still run from things. I still have to learn more about myself. I'm not afraid of a relationship, but I'm afraid of how I handle them. I don't like how I get caught up in what I cannot see, but the ideas in my head. I get afraid of myself in a relationship. Of course I will date again when the right boy comes along and I feel inclined to do so, but for now I am really loving myself, in the sense that I've been to the gym four times this week, been studying, eating healthy.

I'm happy. My happiness weighed on M when we were dating. And that thought scares me. I should thank him next I see him. I still do care for him a lot. But it's so plain to me now that I was more of the problem than I had thought. I'm happy I can see this, so that I correct myself and work on being me, remembering myself, and remembering that individuality is an essential element in a relationship.

I want to just put the past behind me. I've learned from it and that is its purpose. I want to move on, leaving the pain, the anger, the sadness, I want to leave it all behind me and keep my focus on the road ahead.

Since he and I ended, I no longer take sleeping aides. I get up early again. I am going to the gym and eating more healthy. I remember that I forget myself in a relationship and need to work on my self-esteem. I have been studying a lot more for classes. I have become closer with my family, I have recognized the importance of good friends in my life.

I am happy. I still feel sad, anger, but much much less, and soon I will be over it and ready to move on, and be myself again.