to you it seems easy. you think we can be together. it all works for you.
but there are mountains we cannot climb and doors we cannot walk through.
together. even you can't rewrite the fates to make that happens.
you wonder why, since it's beautiful to be just you and me within these closed walls.

but out in the sun you will see it's just hollow dreams.
the fates have been written, how do you say you will be mine?
everything points to our separation, it was a fluke we even found each other.

So here is some real talk to myself: I need to figure this out emotionally. I need to get to somewhere emotionally where I can be friends. He cannot be more than that with me. This stems into my insecurities. I worry that he won't love me as much as he loves the other. Polyamory is a new world to me. I don't know if I'm wired for it. But my insecurities are what drive my partners, lovers, and even sometimes friends away.

This could be a test time for me to deal with my insecurities. You can practice but only during the actual test can you see if you're really ready.
What do I need to practice? Well establishing some boundaries. I need to tell him no. I need to keep me at number 1. I need to still have time with my other friends, and treat Matty like a friend and not my significant other. While he is important to me and emotionally I am into him, I need to not spend every night at his house. I need to let him be without me and me without him. If he makes decisions that put my insecurities at vulnerable, then I need to learn from that. He doesn't sleep with someone because I am bad, but because new and variety is exciting. for sure. I too enjoy it.

So friends. Treat him and learn to regard him as a friend.

I've been avoiding this

Dear )|(,

You have been avoiding this self-letter for a long time.  Matty isn't in love with you, he has his husband love and his boyfirend love. this has been a torrid affair, but you would be #3 in that line up. He has shared rings and necklaces with his loves. You are just a friend that is delayed in the friend department. We keep trying to be more, but we are a trainwreck waiting to happen.

You know I am wanting you. It's not a secret. But we're not in the cards, but chance pulled you near to me. But you are not my destiny for life has put you in an impossible place.
We can try to rewrite the fates and pretend you were meant to be mine and i would be yours. But we cannot be, no matter what we want.

It's not easy. It's hard not to run to you and hold on tightly forever. We can be just you and me behind these walls, it's easy for us to celebrate our connection. But out in the sun you will wake and see it was all an illusion. We cannot rewrite the fates. There are things keeping us apart and you are not the one I was meant to find.

We cannot rewrite the fates, but all I want is to fly and fall with you, everything with you. But it's impossible. you are the one, or at least one of the ones I was meant to find. We could change the world to be ours. but i learn to let go of those illusions.

taylor sing me matty

It was the best of times and worst of crimes
you struck a match and blew my mind
but just a show, you wanted to leave him
          I'd be your reason
from that first drink I knew we were cursed

I don't remember where it all began
it moved so fast we just ran
you were driving the getaway car
we were flying but we'd never get far

You made the great escape your prison break
but you weren't thinking and we were drinking
well he was running after you and I just heard "go!go!go"
but a circus ins't a love story

like jet-set Bonnie and Clyde it's no surprise I'd turn you in
I'm in the getaway car left you at the motel bar
put the money in a bag and took the keys
that was the last you every saw of me

I'm driving the getaway car I was flying
don't pretend this is a mystery
think about where you first took me
     I was riding in a getaway car
     I was crying in a getaway car
     I was dying in a getaway car
     I said goodby in a getaway car

And then there was

Sometimes I want to just walk away from it all. When really what I want to do is hold you tight and whisper I'm falling for you. But all I can say is it's alright, can you see the downtown lights?
Empty streets
Empty nights
How do I know what you're feeling? How do I know what you're feeling? How do I know you still get me? (I still get you)

Surely you felt something. You're only guessing, I'm only guessing. It's all just feelings anyway.

The faint glow

Wasting this dream, trying to grasp where I am.
Pushing the night aside, feeling like I have to be strong.
 for me.
When I see you, I fall apart. Then I hear you, I break apart.

On the verge, I felt it I'm sure.
 doubting
They're only fucking feelings
You left me hanging, the silence was killing
if you really wanted, you would have

oh what is real? is real inside?
i thought i still got you do you still get me?

insecurity. my skin on your skin.
 senses gone mad.
        no logical thinking
if you really wanted, you would have
  they're only fucking feelings.

Me voy, Madrid

What was my endgame? I know when I first saw you, I was set on you. But you have been upfront with where you are. You talked to me honestly but I was dumb. I kept waiting for you because of my own vanity.
What was my endgame? There wasn't one. I would look into our future and see nothing but a fuzzy, cloudy illusion. There can eventually be just one ending. There are infinite possible endings, but time will cement one in. My self-delusion was blissful since an end didn't exist.

I got caught up in the sweet, creamy cake batter of infatuation.

(once again I am fighting my need for validation through the attention of others. I make myself present consistently in their lives so that they don't forget about me. If I'm out of sight, then I'm out of mind. I do it to a point of obsession, and end up smothering people and driving them away)

Rome wasn't built in a day

I'm not sure when the beginning of the end came. But I think it came like a thief in the night. It was strange, and I'm still not sure I know how to let you go. but I knew that it wouldn't be long. I knew I'd lose you. But wasn't ready for the abrupt edge. No signs no warnings. But I signed up to drop my hands when I met you. We signed on the line bound by contract for a short time only, you wrote the time frame. And I agreed that there was never going to be a need to argue when that time came. I knew this would happen. Not angry but letting myself feel the sadness and the empty. But in a few days it will pass. I do know that I'm resilient. And that was my ace up the sleeve in this case of you.

zolpidem 10, diazepam 2, diphenhydramine 50

Someone can't sleep. weird. I went to bed at 8 this morning. It was a night out like I was 22 again. And then you meet that boy. you know, the one that you've had your eye on for awhile now. He's super nice and everyone seems to know him or at least who he is. Is that a good or bad thing? But then he diverts all his attention to you. You're not 22 anymore, you know what this means and where the evening could go. It's easy to dance the dance now. Say the things to get your way, "oh, you need a ride?" "Sure, I'll come in to see your house and for a glass of water." "Yes you can kiss me, I've been waiting."

(but wait says that small voice from somewhere that was blanketed over with that last drink, but still seems to make a sound... don't you kinda want to get to know this guy? he seems stable, sane, he's cute, this is kind of a thing you shouldn't just fuck away?)

Well, I sure do/did/will? I don't know anymore. Alanis comes into my head..."I was hoping, I was hoping we'd be creamy together...."     I was hoping. Damn was I hoping. But I'm not a gabling man. This is probably a one-trick pony and now or never. But what if he's more? He's drunk as a skunk. He's a damn good kisser. Fuck, he's convinced me to get in his bed, i shall leave my panties on... oh what the hell.... I am tired, still kinda buzzed, but really more tired that anything. And he's giving me a lot of attention and quite a bit of complements. That was a pretty amazing kiss. And now he's going down... I'm ok with that, his mouth is good. Am I killing off every chance of any sort of relationship? will we now be the friends that wave and say hello, give that hug-thing when we meet and while in the back of my mind, he's just another one that I've fucked, I'm just another notch on his lipstick case? Me and half the town, I know his reputation. well, I guess the welcome wagon finally welcomed me. I want to date him still though. stable, sane, and cute. But who is I to ask for so much?! I know nothing John Snow. Well, it's over. he's exhausted, I'm exhausted. we fucked. I guess I'll have to file this away into my sexcapade folder. Do I still want to try and date him? He's the right age, and I'm not getting any younger. he's really drunk. damn, he was really drunk. I was a drunk lay. but I did get mine too. maybe I don't want to date him. he cuddles well. ok, my contacts are still in and I need to get home. Bye boy, don't get out of bed to see me off... wait, you didn't even offer, you went right back to sleep. ok, well, then I got mine. it's been awhile I was wanting some sex again, and it wasn't bad. actually kind of fun. yeah, there's been some bad sex. home, so do I go to bed, or omg, it's 7:45 in the morning. ok, so breakfast and nap time.



I woke up to a text from boy. well, thanks to you too for the evening, and glad to have seen you out. oh, hello my life, and my empty bed and my clean sheets, and my quiet house, and bare walls, and all my things. Hello, I think I like it this way for now. I think I shall play my video game and have a latte. Nobody here but me, and I like it that way. for now.

How much?

I wish I had met you years ago. When we were both innocent and alive with youth. I wish we could run to the oceans and streams. I swear I've been there with you a lifetime ago.
I close my eyes and we're 1995 swaying in the breeze with our DocMarten's and collars, humming why you have to let it linger to the batteries in the speakers. The lives I've lived to get to you now. I pray this is the final chapter.