1) Laugh To Keep From Crying - Madonna
2) Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice
3) Uninvited - Alanis Morisette
4) The Best Things - Filter
5) I Bet Your Mad At Me - Erasure
Thursday, March 31, 2005
My horoscope says today is an 8...
But it seems to be one of those days when nothing I say seems to come out correctly. So I decided that I will put the lyrics of a song that has been on my mind a lot over the past 24 hours. And in the mean time, I will try to convince all my co-workers to join me in a round of "Row, Row, Row your boat" (wink).
Say good-bye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that
And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember
Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing
And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you saved me
I'll remember
I learn to let go of the illusion that we can possess
I learn to let go, I travel in stillness
And I'll remember happiness
I'll remember
Say good-bye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that
And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember
Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing
And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you saved me
I'll remember
I learn to let go of the illusion that we can possess
I learn to let go, I travel in stillness
And I'll remember happiness
I'll remember
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
The Eternal Judgement of the Spotty Mind
Time: 10:30PM
I am happily studying for Econ when the thought occurs to me that I really have no food in the house. I'll just shop tomorrow, I think. No I've been saying that for three days now. And I really have no food. What will I eat for lunch? Breakfast? Knaw on the boxes in the trash? Even I won't stoop to those levels (were you sitting down?).
10:34PM
I concede to go to the supermaket.
10:36PM
Jamming to Erasure while driving to the supermarket.
10:41PM
Arrive at the supermarket, greeted by droves of workmen... a quick scan reveals that there is no candy fo be found in the throngs of workmen... unless trailer trash is your preference.
10:42PM
I begin to manuver my way around the cords, tubes, machines and men to select my produce that will help to sustain me for the week. At times I must abandon my shopping cart and perishable treasures and scoot through taped off work areas to retrieve my bread and milk. Who is this store manager and what was he/she thinking when he/she allowed dirty guys to work around my food, and not at the very least make the food obtainable with out running an obsticle course? I guess that's why they work at the supermarket.
10:51PM
In the ONLY OPEN checkout line IN THE STORE, with a line that contains at least a dozen people who are just as anxious to get out of the construction zone as I am, except for one sloppy bitch who deems her existence more important than ours and proceedes to very slowly unload her over-flowing cart onto the belt ONE ITEM AT A TIME.
To silence the angry voices in my head, I pick up an US magazine, all of a sudden worried that Britney might be pregnant. Wow has she put on the pounds, but I'd still boink her.
10:55PM
Interrupted from wondering just when Demi and Ashton will get married, a semi-cute store clerk tells me that he can take me at the next register. The two huge whales behind me huff and puff that I got to go first, despite the fact that they just had the one item, which was 400 tons of kitty litter (or something like that). I listen in on their conversation. They converse about work. They must work at the same place. It was a mother/daughter duo. How cute... Momma Whale was training Baby Whale to be a bonafide weird cat lady while stifleing all creativity and ambition baby might have by making her happy to work at a dead-end job with momma and take the love of cats over that of a lover. And then get knocked up once by a desperate, super ugly man to progenerate the cat-loving whale family (or something like that).
10:57PM
Happy to be in my secure gas-guzzling SUV; DAMN happy to be out of that store. But when all is said and done, it will be a nice store.
11:04PM
Home again, home again, jiggity jig.
I am happily studying for Econ when the thought occurs to me that I really have no food in the house. I'll just shop tomorrow, I think. No I've been saying that for three days now. And I really have no food. What will I eat for lunch? Breakfast? Knaw on the boxes in the trash? Even I won't stoop to those levels (were you sitting down?).
10:34PM
I concede to go to the supermaket.
10:36PM
Jamming to Erasure while driving to the supermarket.
10:41PM
Arrive at the supermarket, greeted by droves of workmen... a quick scan reveals that there is no candy fo be found in the throngs of workmen... unless trailer trash is your preference.
10:42PM
I begin to manuver my way around the cords, tubes, machines and men to select my produce that will help to sustain me for the week. At times I must abandon my shopping cart and perishable treasures and scoot through taped off work areas to retrieve my bread and milk. Who is this store manager and what was he/she thinking when he/she allowed dirty guys to work around my food, and not at the very least make the food obtainable with out running an obsticle course? I guess that's why they work at the supermarket.
10:51PM
In the ONLY OPEN checkout line IN THE STORE, with a line that contains at least a dozen people who are just as anxious to get out of the construction zone as I am, except for one sloppy bitch who deems her existence more important than ours and proceedes to very slowly unload her over-flowing cart onto the belt ONE ITEM AT A TIME.
To silence the angry voices in my head, I pick up an US magazine, all of a sudden worried that Britney might be pregnant. Wow has she put on the pounds, but I'd still boink her.
10:55PM
Interrupted from wondering just when Demi and Ashton will get married, a semi-cute store clerk tells me that he can take me at the next register. The two huge whales behind me huff and puff that I got to go first, despite the fact that they just had the one item, which was 400 tons of kitty litter (or something like that). I listen in on their conversation. They converse about work. They must work at the same place. It was a mother/daughter duo. How cute... Momma Whale was training Baby Whale to be a bonafide weird cat lady while stifleing all creativity and ambition baby might have by making her happy to work at a dead-end job with momma and take the love of cats over that of a lover. And then get knocked up once by a desperate, super ugly man to progenerate the cat-loving whale family (or something like that).
10:57PM
Happy to be in my secure gas-guzzling SUV; DAMN happy to be out of that store. But when all is said and done, it will be a nice store.
11:04PM
Home again, home again, jiggity jig.
Monday, March 28, 2005
fun blog games
choose a band or singer and answer these questions only in song titles:
are you male or female? Dicen Que Dicen
describe yourself. Tantas Cosas Que Contar
how do some people feel about you? La Esperanza Debida
describe your ex-boyfriend. Historia De Un Sueño
describe your current boyfriend. Tic Tac
what do you want to be? La Paz De Tus Ojos
what mood are you currently in? Que Puedo Pedir
who are your friends? Puedes Contar Conmigo
what words of wisdom can you share? Cuidate
Love 'em
And now Madonna... ;)
are you male or female? He's a Man
describe yourself. Nobody's Perfect
how do some people feel about you? Love Profusion
describe your ex-boyfriend. Bye Bye Baby
describe your current boyfriend. I'm So Stupid
what do you want to be? Ray of Light
what mood are you currently in? Die Another Day
who are your friends? Till Death Do Us Part
what words of wisdom can you share? Love Makes the World Go Round
are you male or female? Dicen Que Dicen
describe yourself. Tantas Cosas Que Contar
how do some people feel about you? La Esperanza Debida
describe your ex-boyfriend. Historia De Un Sueño
describe your current boyfriend. Tic Tac
what do you want to be? La Paz De Tus Ojos
what mood are you currently in? Que Puedo Pedir
who are your friends? Puedes Contar Conmigo
what words of wisdom can you share? Cuidate
Love 'em
And now Madonna... ;)
are you male or female? He's a Man
describe yourself. Nobody's Perfect
how do some people feel about you? Love Profusion
describe your ex-boyfriend. Bye Bye Baby
describe your current boyfriend. I'm So Stupid
what do you want to be? Ray of Light
what mood are you currently in? Die Another Day
who are your friends? Till Death Do Us Part
what words of wisdom can you share? Love Makes the World Go Round
I can relate...
Though Manson has now learnt to love her red hair she remains deeply insecure about her looks. Now she sees a therapist and has a name for her particular neurosis. "It's called body dysmorphia and it's something I'll always battle with," she says. "It means you don't see yourself physically as you actually are. I always feel embarrassed talking about it because I feel a lot of people will roll their eyes and say: 'Oh look, there she is harping on about the way she looks. Well, she can't feel that bad as she has her photograph in the paper.' But I feel I should tell the truth about how women feel and how we do things that are contradictory. That's just human nature. Yes, I do have my picture taken, and I look glamorous and I have my hair and make-up done for me but don't mistake that for being in love with the way I look. I look at those photos sometimes and, well ... it doesn't make me feel good."
Just thinking about random things...
I've been thinking about the boy all day. I don't know why I'm no attracted to him. But my heart isn't in it. My heart is still un-gluing itself from Another. And I think that I just need some time. The Other has 95% fallen into the brother/friend category. It's just that 5% that I'm waiting to come around.
But A co-worker said that I probably will never get over that. He might be right. But I honestly do now days think of him as a friend only. The thought of kissing him doesn't repulse me, but nor does it cause all the pixies in my mind to fly around and tickle my fancy.
I'm falling out of facination with the boy. I wonder if the Other and I had dated, would I have fallen out of facination with him after the glowing lights faded to reality?
But that's a question that will never have an answer. And quite frankly, I don't want it to have an answer.
Saturday night I went to Amsterdam and Charlie's and had a wonderful time talking to people and meeting new people, but the Boy was stuck to my side all night. I found myself wanting to flirt with all the new boys I was seeing. But I did see some friends out and always have fun shooing the shit with them. I'm excited for pride this weekend. But I'm also excited for the quiet nights before then as well.
I have met another who does tickle my fancy. I havn't told anyone about him. I'm not ready to introduce him to anyone. He may fade quickly. He may never materialize. He may not even exist anymore.
While I've never had the urge to randomly kick someone really hard, I have wanted to rear-end many a person... on a daily basis. With no real reagard for what it will do to my car because the mere satisfaction of rear-ending such person will give me all the satisfaction I need. Does this make me a closeted sociopath?
But A co-worker said that I probably will never get over that. He might be right. But I honestly do now days think of him as a friend only. The thought of kissing him doesn't repulse me, but nor does it cause all the pixies in my mind to fly around and tickle my fancy.
I'm falling out of facination with the boy. I wonder if the Other and I had dated, would I have fallen out of facination with him after the glowing lights faded to reality?
But that's a question that will never have an answer. And quite frankly, I don't want it to have an answer.
Saturday night I went to Amsterdam and Charlie's and had a wonderful time talking to people and meeting new people, but the Boy was stuck to my side all night. I found myself wanting to flirt with all the new boys I was seeing. But I did see some friends out and always have fun shooing the shit with them. I'm excited for pride this weekend. But I'm also excited for the quiet nights before then as well.
I have met another who does tickle my fancy. I havn't told anyone about him. I'm not ready to introduce him to anyone. He may fade quickly. He may never materialize. He may not even exist anymore.
While I've never had the urge to randomly kick someone really hard, I have wanted to rear-end many a person... on a daily basis. With no real reagard for what it will do to my car because the mere satisfaction of rear-ending such person will give me all the satisfaction I need. Does this make me a closeted sociopath?
Sunday, March 27, 2005
For the first time, my two worlds collide, thankfully they didn't clash like black socks with brown shoes...
Aren't they so cute!
Addendum: The Socks are dark brown (riiiiight).
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Top 5 songs:
1) I Bet You're Mad At Me -- Erasure
2) Inevitable (English Version) -- Shakira
3) Ocean Avenue -- Yellowcard
4) Here I Go Impossible Again -- Erasure
5) Candy Perfume Girl -- Madonna
2) Inevitable (English Version) -- Shakira
3) Ocean Avenue -- Yellowcard
4) Here I Go Impossible Again -- Erasure
5) Candy Perfume Girl -- Madonna
Things I should know by now...
1) Not letting my head overrule my heart.
2) I actually need to study for Biochemistry.
3) The days just seem to go better when I run in the morning.
4) I too need to take a few time-outs and let my head clear.
5) Understand that just because I haven't spoken to someone for more than three days doesn't mean that they have forgotten who I am or dislike me.
6) Money doesn't grow on trees.
7) My room never will clean itself.
2) I actually need to study for Biochemistry.
3) The days just seem to go better when I run in the morning.
4) I too need to take a few time-outs and let my head clear.
5) Understand that just because I haven't spoken to someone for more than three days doesn't mean that they have forgotten who I am or dislike me.
6) Money doesn't grow on trees.
7) My room never will clean itself.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Que chulos!
This is me in Boise with my sister. That trip was much fun, but left me exhausted. But I was able to spend time with my sister. She is definitely the most erratic driver. I was the navagator. I would say to get ready to turn in a few minutes, and before I knew what was happening, she would flip the blinker on and start to turn. At one point after she made such a turn, I told her to stop and look at the road she had just turned onto:
"Is this the highway we needed to take?" I asked.
"I don't know" She retorted.
I replied "Well, I hope this isn't the highway, cuz all I see is a dirt road!"
We had some good times.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
intervention
Don't try and justify why you feel the way you feel.
Put the excuses away, save them for another day.
Let the world spin on its own, take a break.
Stop thinking about the future, live right now.
Place all your reasons in your pocket for tomorrow.
Your worries make no sense at this time.
Resolve nothing, make no conclusions.
Lay impossibilities at the feet of hope.
Don't ask what fate holds in store.
Allow uncertainties to disappear.
Let go of all the what-ifs.
No more apologizing for now.
There is no need to explain yourself.
Accept all that you're not.
Stop fighting all that you are.
Allow yourself some time to breathe.
Just be you.
Just be who you are, right now.
Just for even tonight.
Put the excuses away, save them for another day.
Let the world spin on its own, take a break.
Stop thinking about the future, live right now.
Place all your reasons in your pocket for tomorrow.
Your worries make no sense at this time.
Resolve nothing, make no conclusions.
Lay impossibilities at the feet of hope.
Don't ask what fate holds in store.
Allow uncertainties to disappear.
Let go of all the what-ifs.
No more apologizing for now.
There is no need to explain yourself.
Accept all that you're not.
Stop fighting all that you are.
Allow yourself some time to breathe.
Just be you.
Just be who you are, right now.
Just for even tonight.
Monday, March 21, 2005
Dear D,
I totally agree with you. It's funny but anyone doing the smallest things for me, means the world to me. Did you know that the card that Orito gave me was the first card or written form of friendship a guy has ever given me... besides emails (everyone does emails) And the card you gave me was the first friend card anyone has given me since I could remember. Letters and cards have always meant so much to me because I see the time that goes into them... like I know that you had to take time to buy it and then write in it, and then give it to me.
And I never expected a card at all from Orito. I'm still numb from it. I've never had a guy friend who is so thoughtful. This is unknown territory for me. I'm almost happy that we are just friends, because he is giving me things, a friendship that I have never had before, something I've never known. Sometimes I think that God kept Orito's heart from feeling anything more than friendship for me because God knew it would be more important for me right now to establish good friends than a relationship. And maybe if Orito and I had dated, we would have broken up and never spoken again in four months whereas as friends, we will be in each other's life always.
I think about these things sometimes.
And I never expected a card at all from Orito. I'm still numb from it. I've never had a guy friend who is so thoughtful. This is unknown territory for me. I'm almost happy that we are just friends, because he is giving me things, a friendship that I have never had before, something I've never known. Sometimes I think that God kept Orito's heart from feeling anything more than friendship for me because God knew it would be more important for me right now to establish good friends than a relationship. And maybe if Orito and I had dated, we would have broken up and never spoken again in four months whereas as friends, we will be in each other's life always.
I think about these things sometimes.
His Point of View... As I Can See It
I'm giving you as much love as I can give.
I'm doing this the best I know how.
I'm scared, I've never been here before.
I proceed delicately, I try to do what's right.
I'm going to err, I'm human, not perfect.
Don't be mad at me.
I'll never hurt you intentionally, you're too important to me.
You seem so sad to me,
I know tears fall when you're alone.
I want to be there for you,
I hurt when you hurt.
Don't my words and actions tell you I'm not going anywhere?
Tell me what's on your mind.
I want to hear your thoughts.
Please understand I can't give what I don't have.
If I had it I would give it all to you.
This is what I know to do,
I'm already giving you all the love I can.
I'm doing this the best I know how.
I'm scared, I've never been here before.
I proceed delicately, I try to do what's right.
I'm going to err, I'm human, not perfect.
Don't be mad at me.
I'll never hurt you intentionally, you're too important to me.
You seem so sad to me,
I know tears fall when you're alone.
I want to be there for you,
I hurt when you hurt.
Don't my words and actions tell you I'm not going anywhere?
Tell me what's on your mind.
I want to hear your thoughts.
Please understand I can't give what I don't have.
If I had it I would give it all to you.
This is what I know to do,
I'm already giving you all the love I can.
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Dear D,
Good morning. How are you? I hope you had some fun last night. I thought it was fun. Amsterdam was a little down, but that's because I was. I was really tired.
Orito wrote me a card yesterday. It was really nice of him. He told me it was because I was acting down. I told him that it was because I was really tired, but he told me that it was a different kind of down... he was telling I was having trouble again accepting that we are just friends. I thought I was doing so well. ;) But I guess we all have re-lapses now and then. But he is really sweet. I can tell that he really wants to be there for me, to help me through this time in my life, and he's not sure what to do, but he's doing it the best he knows how.
What time do you get off work? I have to go to ASU today for about an hour or so to do some research for a speech and my Spanish paper. Maybe when you come over we can down load the pics and then go to the Biltmore to study?
Orito said something about a movie today, but I'm not sure if I will be able to go. I really have a lot to get done today, but relaxing through a movie sounds nice. Maybe you could come watch it with us? I don't know.
Just write back and tell me what time you get off work, cuz I'm thinking around that time to come to my house. I'm off to ASU, but I can check my email from there... -ryan
Orito wrote me a card yesterday. It was really nice of him. He told me it was because I was acting down. I told him that it was because I was really tired, but he told me that it was a different kind of down... he was telling I was having trouble again accepting that we are just friends. I thought I was doing so well. ;) But I guess we all have re-lapses now and then. But he is really sweet. I can tell that he really wants to be there for me, to help me through this time in my life, and he's not sure what to do, but he's doing it the best he knows how.
What time do you get off work? I have to go to ASU today for about an hour or so to do some research for a speech and my Spanish paper. Maybe when you come over we can down load the pics and then go to the Biltmore to study?
Orito said something about a movie today, but I'm not sure if I will be able to go. I really have a lot to get done today, but relaxing through a movie sounds nice. Maybe you could come watch it with us? I don't know.
Just write back and tell me what time you get off work, cuz I'm thinking around that time to come to my house. I'm off to ASU, but I can check my email from there... -ryan
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