Why should I be sad for what I never had?

I find that there are a few people, very few, who affect me in such a way that when I am around them, and even when I’m not around them, I feel like I need to improve my life drastically and become so much more than I am. But it’s not in a sense that I am not good enough right now, but that I see the room for my improvement and I want to improve.
I think that’s a better way of stating it: These people shine a light on where I would like to improve. They add to the drive for me to change, but in the end my ambition is to better myself for my sake because I know that these people already accept me and like me for what I am right now.

sometimes I feel down, way down

I feel like I need to run. Run far away from here. So lately I’ve been feeling like I need to get a million things done yesterday. And yesterday I was productive. I think what I’m all upset about is that I don’t have a porn star body despite the fact I’ve been going to the gym for 2 days straight now. ;) Also I have 2 HUGE tests that I need to study for.
But seriously. I’m not one for patience. But this is another of life’s lessons to teach me that virtue.

I’m worried about when N comes into town. From his emails and phone calls, he seems a bit egotistical. I hope not. He professes to be humble, but that should be a red flag obscuring the pretty view right away.

I’m back to feeling like I need to run. Run fast and far.

I’m lost in space. I need a place I can return to. Some days it seems everything fails. I just can’t win. It’s just one disappointment after another. I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never measure up. Sigh. This is when I tell myself it’ll all be okay. But how do you get over the feeling and fear that you are incapable of ever being truly loved? I always suspect that everyone is using me, but for what? What do I have to offer? The only thing I can surmise is that I’m used for the other people I know.
Low self esteem, I know. I’ve heard it before.

Today I had to fight the urge to drop a friend completely. But this particular person I feel doesn’t really like me and could live just fine if I weren’t there. But then that’s how I feel about a lot of people.

“Why do you love me? Why do you love me? Why do you love me? It’s driving me crazy.”

“I wish I had a metal heart, I could cross the line. I wish I was half as good as you think I am.”

But I’m not gonna crack, no I’m never gonna crack, I’m running my baby, I’m running.

bang, bang, I shot you down

I long to return and feel what was spoken. Tied to your memory. The hours must march on. Wanting you, alone and without you. Being precise, so far away and right here.

I still think you have the most beautiful face. It just makes me sad most of the time.

I have always strived to reach the good life. But I think in certain aspects I am waiting for an easy ride there.

I unfortunately fell for a guy. But I’m just in lust with him. Give me a few days. Then I’m sure it will all be over but the crying. I may have said too much or heard too much. But in the long run I know that he wouldn’t be anyone I’d want to try and date.

I still to this day worry that when I meet people all they see are my flaws. And then I feel that the better one gets to know me, the more flaws seem to rise to the surface. I’ve realized that only a few people I feel truly comfortable around because they have seen all my flaws and are still around. But I am perplexed as to why anyone would want to hang around for that long.
It’s funny how we perceive ourselves.

so soon

This weekend was a whirlwind. I think it started with a birthday party for a good friend. I just remember alcohol, friendship and CHANGE!!!!
The following day was met with yummy Chinese food and a much needed nap. Then it started again with a pool BBQ and then off to play darts. I totally sucked it up at darts, by the time Amsterdam rolled around, I was ready to cash in my chips and go to bed. I was so tired. Sunday was nice. I went to browse the mall with some friends and that was a hoot. I must say I enjoyed the alternative lyrics to “New York, New York”

Today I am very tired from not sleeping well at all last night. So this will be an early night.

I can’t believe how soon the trip to SD is and N will be here just next week. Wow.

If you Forget Me In Wonderland

A balance. That seems to be what I always come back to. Everytime. What parts of my life are out of balance?

I think more personal time would benefit me. But not just sitting alone but to evaluate my life on a daily basis and make sure I'm doing the things that will help me to accomplish my long term and short term goals. I think setting aside a time each week would help me to figure out what direction I needed to go the following week.

I find I really want to start making my life healthy. Now that I'm feeling MUCH better I feel I have the energy to pick back up where I left off by eating good again and going to the gym much more frequent.

I'm really excited about Madonna's new album... well, mostly excited. I'm wishing that she would have done a few slow songs, some ballads, and not named it Confessions on a Dancefloor. But I'm holding my breath that possibly she might be returning to her roots some. I wonder if this album will produce any songs that will become immortal like "Into the Groove" and "Vogue" but only time can tell those tales.

I'm not the same, I have no shame, I'm on fire

Anyone who has been brave enough to venture outside in the Valley of the Sun knows what hot is.

It's definitely hot.

I close my eyes, oh God I think I'm falling

To begin, my new favorite blog is http://dmr.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/. I think what got me hooked are the Madonna references. And Luv went through a Wendy's drive-through too. I hate to admit it but I have been through a Burger King and Taco Bell drive-through WITHIN THE LAST 24 HOURS. I felt that at least another kindred soul (or fast-food glutton) was going to have to run extra miles also to make up for the trash that has been willfully consumed. God bless your jolly soul sir, and my running shoes.

Today I had my monthly review here at work. I fell under the benchmark. I didn't reach the numbers required. I AM NOT MEETING EXPECTATIONS. But there isn't a soul in management that knows that. I got a toothy smile, a pat on the back, and the encouraging words to "Keep up the good work." And management right now doesn't care to learn what I do exactly. If everyone worked where I did, the world would be a much happier place. Granted nothing would get done, but we'd all be at happy hour every Friday and that, dear friends, is happiness.

My sinus issue is finally clearing up. But I have a Dr's appointment tomorrow. Good 'ol Ruthy took my call at the Dr's office. I imagined a middle aged woman, somewhat robust who probably brought in cookies on Mondays and jelly rolls on Wednesdays. She was surprised when I told her that Dr. Wilson was the winner of my eenie-meenie-miney-moe strategy of choosing a dr. Course I didn't expect her to grunt in approval, and then proceed to tell me just how much everyone likes him and that most of their clients are referrals from other patients, as if my serendipity was an act of God's will leading me to the truth in the name of deity amen. But then who am I to judge? Ruthy just might know something I'm going to find out tomorrow morning at 9:45 sharp.

I'll be sure to wear clean underwear.

And socks.

Just in case.

love tried to welcome me, but my soul drew back

So it's official. I like someone. A lot. I didn't realize until I couldn't sleep last night because he emailed me. But this too shall pass. I'm in no mood to deal with anyone right now.

But just for now. I dream of sharing a house with him. I want to wake up next to him and take the dogs for a walk and then make breakfast. Maybe if this were a Sunday we would go back to bed... nice thoughts...

It's been a long time since I've let anyone make me feel this way. I think I almost forgot how. I've finally hardened up my heart I think I'm almost not capable of liking anyone really for more than a few days.

Okay there, I'm over it all. My black, cold heart of stone has returned. I don't like him anymore, I'm being serious too.

My heart goes out to those in England. I know it affects the whole country; the whole world. I pray that someday this hate will end.

I don't believe that fighting hate with hate is the answer. I disagree with what I saw said on CNN today at the gym, aiming our bitterness towards the terrorists will not end terrorism. I don't have the answer. But as Newton said, there is an opposite and equal reaction and will cancel it out. Love is opposite of hate. I think Christ is correct in saying, "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." I think therein lies the answer.

I wish I could have known the terrorists when they were children. I wish I could have been there to love them and show them that people can care, that may have prevented the senseless killing of others. I know that it is impossible and while there is evil in this world, there will be hate and hate crimes. The world as a whole is bad. But the individual people can be angels. I know a few of them. I wish love was as contagious as hate. Today after leaving a tutoring session, a man asked for money. He wasn't your garden variety beggar, but something didn't seem wholly right either. But who am I to judge? What's a dollar to me? I guess I'll go with one less drink this weekend. I can make that sacrifice. And it made me happy.

Love a child, save the world.

Bitter-Sweet Return

Bitter = I'm not in San Diego any more.
Sweet = It's always nice to be home.

Worst Regret: Not charging my camera's battery before the big party.

Best Memory: Watching the fireworks explode over San Diego Bay while surrounded by close friends. Does it get any better?

Song of the weekend: "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers

Best Comment of the weekend: "It's electric! Boogie woogie woogie!!!"

I guess the consolation is that I'll be back in just under four weeks to celebrate pride! Anyone else going to be there?

Happy Birthday to the United States!

A view of San Diego from my friend's balcony.

What's a party with out a little scandal? And, boys and girls, this was just the beginning. But unfortunatly my battery died early on. But I suppose some things are better left to recount verbally.

The gang at the party.

Bryan and I on Coronado Beach.