never to send

I was hoping that you could breathe freely. But I focused so much on what I wasn’t feeling from you that I never realized that you never fully relaxed.

I understand now that we are two different people, but I don’t hesitate to say the same in so many ways. We were quick to attack any silence between us, the concern we feigned for the other became nearly a poison. I never heard you enter or leave. We never made each other laugh. It was a false situation and we always hid our bad moods. We don’t flow like A and B, we could never fit in the same room for long.

Tell me truthfully, don’t sensor your tears. I want to know where you run for comfort, I want to make sure you are loved. I want to reach out and hug you and hold you close so you feel that I care for you. And hold you with the knowledge that I will let go to let you fly freely. I worry that you are a scared child inside yet much braver than myself. I want to touch your face and feel where you think. I want to see you joyful in your lover’s arms. I no longer want to see the façade of a smile on your lips, but the real thing. Right now that is what I desire for you. Right now that is how I feel about you.

I wish I could see you as a little boy, before all the walls were built. I wish I knew you before I built mine. Your eyes always looked past me your voice always for another’s ears. I sought comfort from others and wished you had never come along.

I’m still accepting that you will never care for me the way I wish you would.