bringing it back in

How well do I know myself? Who am I? What makes me, me?

Funny, but when I try and answer myself this question, I always say "Well, I like Madonna." It seems that that is only thing that has been constant in my life. I no longer attend the church I once thought I'd die for. My parents have drawn close in some aspects and built up walls in others.
Though it pains me to say it, I am just not very close to my parents. I'm not really close to anyone. I fear I will be rejected or forgotten or have to start playing by their rules in order to be loved. I've done that my whole life. "I'll be loved if..." I still don't understand this much myself so I certainly can't write much coherency about it.

But I realized over time, over much time, that I don't know myself. That I carry the same set of rules with myself. "Ryan, you will be good and acceptable when and if..." Usually followed by phrases such as "Get 6-pack abs" or "become a straight A student again."

Pretty much I have always wanted myself to become perfect but I never have been. I've let myself down not being attracted to women. I've let myself down needing more than 4 hours of sleep a night and not being able to read and study through the night. I've let myself down for eating several chocolate chip cookies yesterday.

It seems I'm my worst critic.

Well, I've decided that since I've only got one life, I'm going to do it better and stop living by these rules that I picked up as truths somewhere along the way.

I've forgotten to live MY life. I want so desperately to fit into these molds I cast myself that I forget to relax and live and enjoy moments. And learn that there's a time to play and a time to work.

Why else do I fall for people so much? I feel like I have to make them like me cuz anyone with any sense wouldn't waste 30 seconds with me.

So I'm dating myself. I'm going to get to know me. I'm going to get comfortable with myself. I'm going to take myself to the movies. I'm going to spend time just reading with myself and having thoughtful discussions about what I've read. I'm going to go to the gym and be workout partners with myself. Everything I've wanted in a mate I will be myself.

I'm getting my own apartment in Feb. This will require me to live with myself too.

I have a general idea what I'm going to do, but details are not specified. I think I'm going to try and make the most of each moment, and learn about me and how I handle situations.

I'll keep you posted.