still not over it, after all these years

Looking from a window above, just like a story of love. Do I see you?
All I needed was the love you gave, all I needed for another day.
You're all I ever knew. Only you.
Sometimes when I think of her name, it's only a game. I still need you.
This will take some time, getting over you're not mine. I can't take any more.
Will you understand it's the touch of your hand behind a closed door?

I had been longing for as long as I can remember
For something like this to come my way.
It always felt so right, and then you take it all away.

Tell me how will I fall in love like that again?
I'm still walking through my tears in the pouring rain.
I'm still dreaming about those nights of us together.
See I thought I'd found the love I'd have forever.

but you know I'll be true

I understand. I need to be humble. I don't like having to learn humility but that's what's going on. I'm trying to be happy and learn from it, this is the course that I need to take. I'm happy for him, I really am. But the happiness comes with jealousy and regret. I had to call my mom and talk about it. She said that the past is in the past, nobody is perfect. Really he is just the catalyst that brought all the thoughts out and it's time to face the demons, the skeletons in my closet, and all that I don't like about me.

Dear Nate,

A new Elizabeth movie is out and I'd like to see it. You were the first one I was going to call to go see it. I'm sure you've already seen it, devoured it, and saw it again. I was just thinking about you. I'd contact you for real, but I just don't think it's the right thing to do.

Questions to Myself

Lately I've felt that I'm in an introspective state. I feel like my past and present are beginning to fuse and make more sense to me. I feel like I'm a bit more aware of what's going on around me in my life, and I'm concentrating more on what I need to do to accomplish my goals.

I hope I'm not becoming more selfish. While that's always been one of my faults, I am hoping that I am just not as concerned with what others may think of me. I want to be involved in the lives of my friends, a support, but I don't want to be a crutch, if that makes sense. Also I don't want to rely heavily on others. I'll tell them what's going on in my life, and I certainly don't expect them to resolve anything.

I'm on track to graduate (FINALLY!!!) and apply to pharm school. I'm uber nervous about applying to pharm school, but until I try I'll never know.

Yeah, I'm still unhappy with my physical condition, but I know that it's all me. And my fault I'm not happy with it. It's not that I need to learn to accept me the way I am... No, I mean I need to start doing the right choices so that I will feel like I am trying to make things better, and if nothing changes then I will accept who I am because I know I'm doing what I can.

This applies to school. Yeah, I'm not going out as much and not keeping in touch with a lot of people anymore. I think maybe because I'm more comfortable in my skin. I used to, and still do to an extent, get affirmation from how many people I'm around. That's so temporary. I remember I'd have wonderful nights out when I was like the bell of the ball, or treated as the prom queen. And if no attention then I'd have an awful time out. Lately I've been avoiding attention (not to say I don't LOVE it when it comes) but I have a wonderful time just connecting with friends and totally okay if they are all I talk to in the evening... gosh that just sounds so silly saying that, but that's finally where I'm at.

I knew you were going to bring up love. I'm not into anyone right now and really not looking. I find that I'm really happy just figuring out what I want. I think everyone can see that too. I was seeing a guy, kinda, but he said that he and his bf were on a break trying to figure things out... and he said technically they weren't together... I'm okay with that. But as soon as I heard, "we're back together but we can still get together now and again" I was out of there. I don't need that, nor does my karma. And truth be told, I'm currently waiting for the hottie in my p-chem class to ask me out... lol. which is my way of saying nothing's happening or gonna happen for awhile.

It's time for me to go study before class.

Ni un adios al partir

Creo que estoy afinando "el typo" de hombre que tengo. El los dias pasadas he visto algunos chavos que me hacen mirar mucho. Y todos tienen algo similar fisicamente, y su personalidad - pues de lo que observo. Todos tienen pelo oscuro con piel blanca. Y ellos se parecen como son "nerds." esto es todo que tengo en este momento.

Snap out of it.

So I ran 4 miles tonight to just get rid of some of my angst and to clear my head. I know what I need to do to improve, it's all good.

Dear Nate,
Did you see Tyramail?! OMG! I knew the yalie-girl was gonna hit the showers. Her attitude that she swung around those judges, I'd have sent her packing then and there! I miss being able to talk to you sometimes. Hope all is well.
Ryan

It's personal, and I'll be gone before it happens

I can't be up-beat all the time. It's okay when I'm in a bad mood; and a sad mood. I guess I'm still paying my dues in life and still letting karma clean itself up after I've taken advantage of it in the past.
It's hard to go on sometimes. Sometimes I feel like everything drops on me at once and I want to bow out of life. If all the world is a stage then I just want to exit stage right and hang out on the side for a time. I've got some straightening out to do. "It's time to be a big girl now, and big girls don't cry."
I'm not very smart. turn to stone. Lose my faith. I'll be gone before it happens.

I'm not resilient like I used to be. I've taken a lot of blows, and now in my older age, I can't take them as often as they've come. "All of my clothes feel like somebody's old throw-aways."

Dream away your life, dream away your dream.
I won't sell out, but I'll walk away before I'm broken.

When's this d@** season going to pull up its stakes and leave!?! I'm ready for it all to get colder. But they do say that it gets cold on Halloween. Halloween.

I'm not ready to celebrate Haloween this year.

So far I've heard two of the new songs from Madonna's up-coming album. It sounds very much like her first album... there's an underlying beat, some other background sounds and then lyrics. I think, at least in my "totally unbiased opinion" that it embodies the direction that music is going in the US right now... the 80s are defing in the sound nowadays, and who was 80s pop music? That's right, you know who.

Hear Me Out

I just sent an email to an ex explaining that I really don't like it when people just cut me out of their life. If that's what he wants to do, then I told him to at least tell me and to go into the reasons. I'm a big boy, I can take it.
I think it mostly came from that he is worried that I'll get upset that he's dating someone new. On the contrary I'm happy for him.

yesterday I spent the whole day with Ami. I think she's the best. Ever, full stop.

I'm with Verizon now with no changes in the digits. I got my bro's old phone. It's a palm phone and it's big and bulky and I think I like it... lol... I like how it shows things better than the flip phones, but it's a brick to carry around.

I have Madonna's new song, "The Beat Goes On." It's effing awesome! It's a total parody of "Hung Up" but I like the message just as I did in HU. "I can't keep on waiting for you, anticipating that you won't keep me waiting... Always the bride's maid, never the bride, two steps behind, you've got too much pride, always supporting never the star, get it together cuz the beat goes on..."

I made a decision that I'm not waiting anymore. It's a broad statement but I like it. I feel alive now that I'm doing my thing. If I can find someone who can keep up then great. Both friends and lovers. I'm over trying to appease or walk on eggshells, I like it straight to the point or you're done. I'm not cold, but I scrutinise much more about the people in my life.