Monday Check In

It's still crazy hot these days.  I'm slowing dying - and melodramatic, yes.  This morning I got myself to the gym and did a full run, meaning I did 25-30mins of weights and then did ~1hour of some sort of cardio or related movement, not being full-blown cardio.  It felt good and I went to a swanky new gym that had little tvs on all the treadmills and ellipticals, it was a real treat.  Also it was fun to see some new eye candy.

But on to other news, I weighted in at 289.  Still heavy, fat, obese, yuck, but at least it was 2 lbs less than last time.

Confession:  I am addicted to food.  I ate good all day and because I cut my carb intake by quite a bit today I was STARVING by 5pm.  So early (for me) dinner and now I am battling the snackys.  So I am blogging about it.  I do enjoy food but I get to a point that if I say no to myself, then I get all anxious that I'll never be able to enjoy food again.  And I'm addicted to that full and totally satisfied feeling.  It's a comfort thing that I crave to lull me to sleep at night.

Drugs:  I have taken myself off completely of my Prozac.  Very excited to no longer be on it.  It's been, oh about seven years now and it was just time.  I still get some headaches but I attribute that to my decrease of caffeine intake.  I really am trying to get things under control.  Visiting my family, I was amazed at how much discipline my father uses in his diet now.  He is borderline diabetic and he is on meds for it but wants to be off them.  So he's trying really hard to watch his diet and it's amazing to see him, he's a totally different man when it comes to eating habits than he was just a few months ago.  I too am on track to go the diabetic route if I don't stop eating when I'm full right now.

Every once in a while I come across a picture of a guy who I feel I have it in me to look like or he just gives me that extra mental push to do better.  And I'm also enjoying Picasa a lot so I like to tweek photos.

This picture for me oozes confidence.  Someday I want to lay out by the pool and feel as confident as he seems - course I may not be in the itsy-bitsy green plaid bikini bottom... haha... but he def wears it well!

Exploding thoughts, 2nd go

I can't shake that people I may know and write about will be reading this.  I so do need to censor some - my paper journal is to reveal names and such, this is not the forum for such words.
But there are people in my life who have been bugging me.  I have thought long and hard about how to deal with them, what direction to take: do I approach them and speak directly?  Do I ignore them?  My final answer is to serve them.  I want to show them by my actions that they are important to me and therefore I will do what I can to keep them in my life.

Still enjoying my time here in SJ.  We took my nephew for a walk at the park but just got started when his dad arrived from a four day hike.  The kid was happy to see his dad!  ;)

Then we went to a Mexican food shoppe for some food and though it wasn't the best Mexican I've had, I'm not really a picky eater so I'm not going to say anything.  But I will say the company was great!  My mom enjoying dinner.  I love family.

learning to move fast

She said that your body wants to heal itself.  That made me think that it could be my mind that is working against my body in a sense.  Are we on the same team?  I also remember hearing someone say that you need to take care of and respect your body by how you treat it and what you put in it.  It is the vessel that carries us through this life.
Interesting article on what women (and men) like about the male physique.

This is a friend of mine and he has worked hard for his physique, also in med school so he knows how to prioritize.. he's in insipration to get it done.

Enjoying some time with the family and especially the weather!!

Whist

He lied in the sun, soaking up the rays but only enjoying them for a brief moment before the heat was too much.  The party circled around him and he slipped into the pool to cool down and to visit with some friends.  I know he wasn't watching me, I can't read his thoughts, but I was pretending I did.  I wanted to get to know him, or get to know him better.  But it's like that guy I'll never talk to.  The combination hasn't lined up for me to try and give him a shot.  I'm frightened of his rejection or him asking to just be friends, or even his disinterest in pursuing a friendship.  I want to deserve him.  I want to shine in his eye like a jewel.
Wa wa wa... enough longing and yearning for one night.

Today went running around a pond, or whatever can be considered a pond in this part of AZ. But it it felt good to go for a run. It was start and stop a lot, but I did it; I got out and about!! That was a good thing for me. It was also out by my grandpa's farm... or what we called a farm.
The best part of the day way taking my nephew out for a walk around the park.
He pushed his stroller around most of the way. He is definitely a tank!

Ancient Thursday

When he thought I thought today.  But that's been thrown around for years with no weight anymore.  You're right, but let's not lose hope, comrade.

Frankly if my name was

Eww... broccoli just went in to be steamed and it really makes the place smell, but oh well.  I went to the gym, first time in ages - 7 weeks I think.  I weight myself and 291 is a large number.  Scary large.  I knew I gained weight, per the mirror, but morbidly obese is not what I want for myself.

I also had dinner with a friend last night, TH.  The impression I left with from him was that life is what you make of it.  He said that if you find happiness in eating a bag of cookies every night, then do it.  I think I may have read into what he was saying also as to say, "so stop complaining and do something about it, I just don't want to waste our time together with you complaining about a situation you've never done much to try and change." Yeah, that's what I heard you say because that's what I needed to hear.

Random the Thoughts

It's easy to fall into thinking of these drug consuming entities and forget that they are people.