Not sure

I feel like I'm stumbling while holding something precious in my arms.  Yet I don't know what it is.  And I don't know why I'm stumbling.  I wonder if it's an introspective picture representation of how I'm feeling about my life.  Have I really grown?  Have I developed myself, my life.  How do I do that.  Concentric thoughts mar my conversation; I don't know how to not talk about me.
I'm hoping, wishing, waiting, willing to learn to break out of myself.  I need to focus on others, I need to serve others.  I'm not religious but I feel moved to pray for this.

I'll take the stairs

There is always something to prove.  The second I become complacent in my surroundings I have lost.  I lose the game, I lose the battle.  The constant struggle between what I am and what I know I can be.  I must keep the mindset that there is always something I can do to better myself.  I cannot stop reaching for the top.  Learning to enjoy the journey and be content with my never-ending evolution to become better but not becoming complacent and stalling.  I will never reach the summit, but the summits will reveal to be plateaus and clearings that present a further uphill climb.  Stopping on that plateau will only cause me to become lazy and though I don't intend, I begin to descend.  If I'm not going up, I'm going down.
I severely lack will power, and the thought of climbing can be overwhelming.  But it's not judged by the summits  I have reached, but the steps taken to get me there.  I can take even but just one step up every day.

Writing a letter to you

So we're supposed to be mature about this?  Though thinking about your words, the jr.high school boy wants to point fingers and accuse your words of making circles and containing no reason or message except to lose touch.

Like I'm in the front row of a movie theater featuring your words and I get to run them over the seats of the empty theater, barely seating myself and certainly no reason.

But I'm not mad at you and really not your words now that I have boiled them down to what they really wanted to say.  I get it, all's fair in love and war, and front-rows of movie theaters.  You said let's hang out again, but not make an effort to actually hang out.  I will wait for you to move your pawn first in this game, though I walk miles away from the board.  You know how to reach me.

Remove myself from all line of sight.  In the illusion but not of it.  Bend the light, emotions, feelings, molecules' paths, not consistent with the geography of others' thoughts but in my own plane my own space.

don't forget me

I can't help but return to last night.  He said I was great, there was a connection, but there was nothing more and he wanted to be with me, but as a friend only.  I knew it was coming but was still a blow to my ego.  I am taking to mean that I am not physically attractive enough for him.  I did like him, I was ready to try and date him.  I spoke candidly with him.  I was able to be myself.
Speculation: He may want someone younger, he's only 25.  He called me handsome in emails before meeting.  I'm sure like all other gay men, he wants to date a 6-pack, and fall in love with a strong chest, and of course a tight ass.
He said he didn't want to lose touch but also said new friends are a matter of convenience and not really with whom to make definite plans.  So I resolved to just let him go.  I am walking away and will let it all rest on him. Life still has to happen, and now mine won't include or make efforts.

So my new lesson: to learn to love myself and carry on with out regard to the thoughts I think others have of me.

the end before the beginning

It kind of took the wind out of me.  One of those times when I just wanted to leave and not hear or pretend to be happy about it at all.  What a fool I was.  The signs were all there.  Once again I chose to ignore them.  Believing lies about myself that I tell myself is not a console right now, I can't sink into that line of thought.

Candidly typing: The numbness has set in.  I'm not going to feel for the rest of the night.  Still learning this lesson.

With all my Education

and just put words into poetry and have the goals accomplished and be done with it.  what I'd give to be at my peak for only just a moment, just to understand what I could be, and let the memory inspire me to climb higher.  my stumbling attempts are life.

Continue

My body and mind work in unison to prevent me from being productive.  Last night the party was a flashback to 2005: Pretty people avoiding carbs like the plague.  I think I was the only one who was eating bread.  But I home-made bread.  It was fantastic!  And the food processor was a cinch to use for it!  It whipped that dough into a sticky blob in no time!  Great first experience.
Back to the party.  I know that the Pretties were just as shy of my as I was of them.  They gloated nothing over me except what I allowed them to in my mind.  But speaking from a severe eye-candy point of view, they were pretty; all had tight (douche) shirts on showing off their big, defined arms and chests.  It was a glass menagerie of delectable douchi-ness.
          --> but let me qualify that I don't know them.  They may have been some of the sweetest guys out there who just so happened to look sweet in a tight-fitting shirt.  These are my perceptions of just the light bouncing off them onto my retina.

But I feel like a matured a teeny tiny bit since 2005 (wow, I hope so!).  I was able to relax and have fun.

On to something completely different, I LOVE the Florence + the Machine song "Shake it Out."  L.o.v.e. it.

Dreaming like a Ghost

I remember you.  You are an old friend.

I've changed my mind.

That was Chicago.  Now I'm on to this Phx thing.

The world changed today

Take a breath, and now play the part. 
Take your heavy, sad heart and place it on the shelf, in a box. 
Now remember to smile like you mean it. 
Place up the your defenses, hide your tears for the night. 
Don't let anyone in, don't let yourself out.

Hands together, don't show the trembling.
The crowd expects you to be perfect.
And perfection is what you give them.
Careful when it rains, it could strip off your mask.
And then what?  And then what?

But when it rains, it rains on my face,
On my skin, on my arms, on my chest.
I can feel life again, I can feel again.

But then you must walk away,
And return to what they want to see.
What they want you to be.
It will be alright.  Down the street
Walking down an empty street.

we run from the presence of the sun...

Beginning again.  I see you, I see myself in the mirror.  My friend and enemy.
I try to be, but so often drape cloths and linens over your eyes.  And mine.

angry, bitter, jaded, over it, mad, etc. venting thoughts

I'm so over this whole dating scene here in Phoenix.  I just can't anymore.  I want so much and feel like I can bring some to the table, but apparently I'm fated to just be alone.  I want to cry but there are no tears.  I can't express emotion that well anymore.  I need a good cry, I want to just scream and cry and pout and then scream and cry and pout more.  These are not times for the weak of heart.  I am raked-over coals.  I can't put myself back out there again.  I can't do it.  I can't pretend to care and be in a good mood anymore.  I thought I'd be in a different place right now and I fucking can't stand this anymore.  I am done, done, done.  I miss things I haven't ever even got to experience.  I don't want to be strong anymore.  I just am not going to care anymore.  I don't give a flying fuck anymore.  I lay down this torch.

Like the 90s but with cappuccino now

Simple concepts are like hors d'oeuvres.  But at times left untouched.  I prefer to fill my plate with the possibility of never reached filled-up.  Wide-eyed as ever but wearing sunglasses to keep from showing too much emotion.


I think I forgot who I was, and forget to remember who I am.  Caught up, but differently this time.  But still in what I cannot see.

My focus is out.  I dream but I can't live the dream anymore.  I need to ground myself and walk on.


Excuses.  Action.  ;)


Now to start getting me where I want... 

Welcome to the evolution (or continuation thereof really).

Restless thoughts.
So many roads traveled, so many times it seems I return to the lessons I thought learned.
I try to keep my eyes on the light, but the tunnel gave way to a field.
A dark wanderer in lands mapped and charted.
Still feeling lost.

The shades are drawn. I wait for dusk.
I try to keep busy, but drift to fears.
The night is the time for tears.
I can't let the sun catch me crying.

Pouring water into a vase, to watch it spill.
Wring the washcloth out and throw it into the sink.
No sense to spill it again.
No sense to watch the water fall.
No longer having the same effect it once had.

Jumping to reach the sun,
Once I had him in my hands.
I'd like to change my losses for wins.
My toes are cold again.
Despite the layers of socks.

Just some stupid sad songs

I thought so. But then I thought not.

I'm not sure how to feel. I feel sad, I feel happy, I feel content. I feel like I've been burning the midnight oil too much, but I feel it all worth it. I knew this would happen, but I set myself up to be the perfect victim. I knew I'd feel like beauty #2, and "you only have one" would be on the tip of my tongue. I knew there'd be so much more I'd want to say but forget. I wish I could take back a few words, but I guess it's now water under the bridge. I knew time would stand still, and I'm happy to return to reality. Like a castle in the sand I knew this would fall apart. But positive, happy, no regrets in the end. But there's still that knot in my stomach, there's still the longing for just one more minute.
I'm not sure how I feel, but I'm happy to feel again.

It's now ten on my watch, and I'm still here wondering why my heart feels like it might break, despite you've already left. I see an illusion, the same one I taught myself and swore my love to. But what once was a simple understanding, a friendship of sorts is now my weakness. Sure, there's no reason to cry, but why do I still see this grey sky?

"I want to have you cuz you're all I got. Don't want to lose you cuz it means a lot. All the joy this world can bring doesn't give me anything when you're not here. Idiot me, Stupid fool. How could you be so uncool. To fall in love with someone who doesn't really care for you, it's so obscure. But I feel wonderful. Yes I feel wonderful. God it makes me feel so good everytime I think about you. All of the heat of my desire, smoke and lights some crazy fire. Come on kid look at me where I stand, can't you see my heart burning in my hand? Do you want me do you not? Does it feel cold baby or does it feel hot? I want to hold you and be so held back. Do want to need you but it's where I'm at. Thinking about you everyday, how come I was made this way? It's so surreal. But I feel wonderful." "Wonderful" Annie Lenox

"I don't want to talk about things we've gone through, though it's hurting me now it's history. I've played all my cards and that's what you've done too. Nothing more to say no more ace to play. The winner takes it all. The loser standing small. Beside the victory that's our destiny. I was in you arms, thinking I'd belong there. Figured it made sense building the offense. Building me a home, thinking I'd be strong there. But I was a fool, playing by the rules. The gods my throw a dice, their minds as cold as ice. And someone waydown here loses someone dear. The winner takes it all, the loser has to fall. It's simple and it's plain why should I complain? But tell me does she kiss like I used to kiss you? Does it feel the same when she calls your name? Somewhere deep inside you must know I miss you, but what can I say rules must be obeyed. The judges will decide the likes of me abide. Spectators of the show always staying low. The game is on again, a lover or a friend? A big thing or a small? The winner takes it all. I don't want to talk if it makes you feel sad and I understand you've come to shake my hand. I apologize if it makes you feel bad seeing me so tense, loss of confidence. But you see, the winner takes it all." "The winner takes it all" Abba

"You've been my golden best friend. I can't go to you for cosolation, cuz you're off limits during this transition. This grief overwhelms me it burns in my stomach and I can't stop bumping into things. I thought we'd be simple together. I thought we'd be happy together. I thought limitless together. I thought we'd be precious together but I was sadly mistaken. You've been my soulmate and then some. I remembered you the moment I met you. With you I knew God's face was handsome. With you I saw fun and expansion. This loss is hard, it peirces my chest, and I can't stop dropping everything." "Simple Together" Alanis

"It's gonna take some time this time to get me myself in shape. I really fell out of line this time, I really missed the gate. The birds on the telephone line are crying out to me, next time. And I won't be so blind next time and I'll find some harmony. But it's going to take some time this time and I can't make demands, but like the young the young tree in the wintertime I learn how to bend." "Take Some Time" The Carpenters

"There's no need to argue anymore. I gave all I could but it left me so sore. And the thing that makes me mad is the one thing that I had: I knew I'd lose you. You'll always be special to me. And I remember all the things we once shared, watching tv, movies together. But they say it will work out fine. Was it all a waste of time, cuz I knew I'd lose you. You'll always be special to me."

"I can't find a feeling to let go. Even though you have a new love and he's what your dreams are made of. I can't find a reason to hang on, but when a wrong can be forgiven without you it ain't worth living alone. Sometimes I wakeup crying at night and sometimes I scream out your name."

"I don't know where to start. Say I'm tired or throw a party. These cucumber rines are lying the more that I smile about it and all my clothes feel like someone's old throw-aways. It's good to be in love and really that's so true. I'm happy you're in love. Cuz every color goes where you do. I'm adoring you. It's all good. You're so beautiful, I'm black and blue all over. You're breaking my flow how could you know what I'm saying about it? When all of my clothes feel old, I don't like it. It's good to be in love and really that's so true. I'm happy you're in love cuz every color goes where you do. I feel so powerless. I've got to stop this somewhere, come on what could I do? Why's it happening, how's it happening that he feels it without me?"

"It's late, the end of the month. I look at my watch, the rain begins. In the distance I see the memory of a love. He doesn't see me. It was a long time ago."

"Let me spend my life devouring your every thought and step. Let your moles be erased and then reappear with every hug and kiss. And now that you're here I'm happy again. I once understood you were mine. Let me love you and that my tears dry yours. Let every sky have a cloud and let it rain until it makes puddles. Let me kiss you until you are breathless, and hug you so tightly to separate your bones. And now you're here again and I remember the happiness I felt. I want to pursue you, to learn of you, to love you day and night, spend my whole life on you. I want to tie you to my heart, carry you like a tatoo, I want to lose my sanity in you."

"Maybe it's the daily rain that has risen your level. Music no longer has the same effect it once had. Maybe I've lived too much in such a small, short time that now I don't remember my own language or how I used to feel. I feel that I no longer have the strength to jump and grab the sun. And despite how much I try, I don't listen to my own voice. I don't know if I've lived 1000 days or one day 1000 times and I add you to my story wishing I could change my losses for wins. I need you. You are part of me, I need you here, it's that I haven't learned how to live without you."

"Say goodbye to now knowing when the truth in my whole life began. Say goodbye to know knowing how to cry, you taught me that.
And I'll remember the strength that you gave me now that I'm standing here on my own. I'll remember the way that you saved me. I'll remember.
Inside I was a child that could not mend a broken wing. Outside I looked for a way to teach my heart to sing. And I'll remember the love that you gave me, now that I'm standing on my own, I'll remember the way that you changed me, I'll remember.
I learn to let go of the illusion that we could posess. I learn to let go, I travel in stillness, and I'll remember happiness, I'll remember love..."

Sucks to Grow Up

It's been several years on this blog. It's been years longer waiting to wake up arrived. It's been a life in progress even longer, and I feel worn out. I feel a change, I feel an acceptance, I feel like I'm finally starting to grow up.

I've been fighting the truth for a decade. I've been in denial most of my life. I've been beating around the bush, and I see I'm still where I was. I feel different, I see the world in a new light, I know that it's time to start to grow up.

I've been pushing some boundaries, while abiding by others. I excuse myself from myself. I have tales and secrets untold. I know, I've known it would culminate. I've known I'd have to face my demons myself, and I know that this is part of growing up.

heart

I have rocks in my stomach again. I guess I should stop serving myself stone soup.

Not Sure...Just Thoughts, nothing more than words...

I went kicking and screaming.
I wasn't going to have anything to do with it.
But the truth paralyzes me.
Exposure to what I thought I wanted makes me see I don't want it.

I can't face myself sometimes. Like standing outside of a theater trying to tell a story to a lady selling flowers. I promised I'd would complete the mission, but after the victory, I saw I may have lost more than gained. When all are sleeping, I escape to the night and wonder if I have learned anything at all. I don't know, but I know that life keeps moving regardless.

Too prideful to look behind me. Too prideful to realize that I am wrong. Too selfish to be happy for the fortune of others, like winning the game means more than a person.


I would give you my waist. I would give you my lips to kiss when ever you wanted. I give you my sanity and few neurons that remain. I give you my faded shoes, my journals, my breaths... just don't leave again. You are my sun, the faith with which I live. My love, my desire to live and laugh. Your the goodbye I will never know how to say because I could never live with out you. If one day you decide to leave again, I would lock all the doors and close all the windows, so you could never leave me. I would give you my silence, my nose, my bones, just stay with me. You are my voice, my feet to walk, my starlight, my life.

I feel that an old tale doesn't have all the answers that I thought it did. I feel that I can't hear or write down the sadness I feel. But there, there is some hope that burns in my heart, but I lose it in myself. I feel I've been a faithful enemy, a blue devil. I feel I've another dream, something that watches the sky rain. And there is an old tale that was written, I wasn't able to understand it. I lost myself in me.

Smile like you mean it. Just let go. It's all in the hands of something more. Just take a bow, play the part of a lonely heart.

For as long as I can remember I've been longing for something like you to come my way. It felt right. And then it slipped away. How am I to fall in love like that again? I'm still thinking of you with tears in the pouring rain, I'm still missing those nights of us together. You see, I thought I'd found the love I'd have forever.
Now I hide in myself, behind this shadowed smile. Only myself to blame. Tell me how will I ever fall in love like that again? I'm still remembering the walks in the dark, the trips out of town for the night, the days we never left the house. Now this house holds your memory and all in it. I never knew I'd have so many tears to cry.
Missing you, missing you, missing you.

You were my best friend. And now I lay my hand down. I can't run to you because you're now off limits. I don't know where to go now, just grief burning in my stomach, and I can't stop bumping into things. I thought we'd be simple, happy, limitless, precious together. But I was wrong. You were my soul mate and then some. I remembered you the moment I met you, With you I knew God's face was handsome. With you I saw the universe expanding. This loss is wrong, I can't stop dropping everything. I thought we'd be sexy, evolving, have a family together. If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented, a dime for all the hands thrown up in the air, my wealth would run over. I thought we'd be genius, healing, growing, adventurous, exploring, inspired, flying, on fire together. But I was sadly mistaken.

I loved how you smelt after a shower. I miss your smile, how you would try and look at both sides to drive me crazy. How you would play music just to annoy me and then hug me. How you would speak of your family. How you would tell me about your day. I miss these things about you. This is not time for a weak heart. These days I keep my raw heart wrapped up tight. I struggle to lay down my torch for you like this.
I miss your head on my pillow, miss you petting the dog, I miss you dragging me to a boring movie, I miss you talking to your friends on the phone, I miss the light in your eyes when we sip our coffee in the morning. I miss the way your shoes were never in the closet.
So one step forward, I keep going. I try to tell myself to move on. But I still miss your head by mine, I miss talking about the future, I miss you telling me to read more books. My heart is left weak, not time for stumbling, not the days for broken dreams. I struggle to lay down my torch for you.

Every dream, every impression. Every fault, every detail all under control. Every certainty, every approximation. Every scene under supervision. The casualty has taken on the guise of a butterfly that could be love. You have no idea how much I would have loved you, if you had just waited a moment longer. My gestures, my voice, no longer.

colors that could never mix, dreams in bags of ice floating out to sea. Silence that we attacked. We are lovers that never felt spring, that can't make each other laugh. Just venom in our love. We always hid out bad moods. So look at me, and look at you, tell me what you see.
It's that you and I never fit in the same love song. We are A and B.
My eyes are tired of crying, they want to rest. So give me a hug and let's say goodbye, don't try and fix what cannot be fixed.

But me and my armor, I've had to grow strong. I have duel coats, not been trusted with a heart. I'm a sweet piece of work, with good intentions, not perfect, wrongly labeled, treated as a rose when really an orchid. My friends cannot be objective, but truly wanting what's best. Misunderstood, I learn to learn about myself.. I require a special care. So I live in my blind spot, I thought I was usual when I'm not... so this sweet piece of work, I'm high maintenance, different, and deserving of all happiness. I get overwhelmed, I'm unobserved, I've been misread, don't know who I'm supposed to be, but always hoping, never losing hope.

So it begins. I am going to mold my body into the shape I want it. Enough is enough applies to me and this point. I'm the only obstacle in my way. And thanks to my sister who was the one to convince me to finally do it. Not by telling me to do it, but by doing it herself! ;)