still not over it, after all these years

Looking from a window above, just like a story of love. Do I see you?
All I needed was the love you gave, all I needed for another day.
You're all I ever knew. Only you.
Sometimes when I think of her name, it's only a game. I still need you.
This will take some time, getting over you're not mine. I can't take any more.
Will you understand it's the touch of your hand behind a closed door?

I had been longing for as long as I can remember
For something like this to come my way.
It always felt so right, and then you take it all away.

Tell me how will I fall in love like that again?
I'm still walking through my tears in the pouring rain.
I'm still dreaming about those nights of us together.
See I thought I'd found the love I'd have forever.

but you know I'll be true

I understand. I need to be humble. I don't like having to learn humility but that's what's going on. I'm trying to be happy and learn from it, this is the course that I need to take. I'm happy for him, I really am. But the happiness comes with jealousy and regret. I had to call my mom and talk about it. She said that the past is in the past, nobody is perfect. Really he is just the catalyst that brought all the thoughts out and it's time to face the demons, the skeletons in my closet, and all that I don't like about me.

Dear Nate,

A new Elizabeth movie is out and I'd like to see it. You were the first one I was going to call to go see it. I'm sure you've already seen it, devoured it, and saw it again. I was just thinking about you. I'd contact you for real, but I just don't think it's the right thing to do.

Questions to Myself

Lately I've felt that I'm in an introspective state. I feel like my past and present are beginning to fuse and make more sense to me. I feel like I'm a bit more aware of what's going on around me in my life, and I'm concentrating more on what I need to do to accomplish my goals.

I hope I'm not becoming more selfish. While that's always been one of my faults, I am hoping that I am just not as concerned with what others may think of me. I want to be involved in the lives of my friends, a support, but I don't want to be a crutch, if that makes sense. Also I don't want to rely heavily on others. I'll tell them what's going on in my life, and I certainly don't expect them to resolve anything.

I'm on track to graduate (FINALLY!!!) and apply to pharm school. I'm uber nervous about applying to pharm school, but until I try I'll never know.

Yeah, I'm still unhappy with my physical condition, but I know that it's all me. And my fault I'm not happy with it. It's not that I need to learn to accept me the way I am... No, I mean I need to start doing the right choices so that I will feel like I am trying to make things better, and if nothing changes then I will accept who I am because I know I'm doing what I can.

This applies to school. Yeah, I'm not going out as much and not keeping in touch with a lot of people anymore. I think maybe because I'm more comfortable in my skin. I used to, and still do to an extent, get affirmation from how many people I'm around. That's so temporary. I remember I'd have wonderful nights out when I was like the bell of the ball, or treated as the prom queen. And if no attention then I'd have an awful time out. Lately I've been avoiding attention (not to say I don't LOVE it when it comes) but I have a wonderful time just connecting with friends and totally okay if they are all I talk to in the evening... gosh that just sounds so silly saying that, but that's finally where I'm at.

I knew you were going to bring up love. I'm not into anyone right now and really not looking. I find that I'm really happy just figuring out what I want. I think everyone can see that too. I was seeing a guy, kinda, but he said that he and his bf were on a break trying to figure things out... and he said technically they weren't together... I'm okay with that. But as soon as I heard, "we're back together but we can still get together now and again" I was out of there. I don't need that, nor does my karma. And truth be told, I'm currently waiting for the hottie in my p-chem class to ask me out... lol. which is my way of saying nothing's happening or gonna happen for awhile.

It's time for me to go study before class.

Ni un adios al partir

Creo que estoy afinando "el typo" de hombre que tengo. El los dias pasadas he visto algunos chavos que me hacen mirar mucho. Y todos tienen algo similar fisicamente, y su personalidad - pues de lo que observo. Todos tienen pelo oscuro con piel blanca. Y ellos se parecen como son "nerds." esto es todo que tengo en este momento.

Snap out of it.

So I ran 4 miles tonight to just get rid of some of my angst and to clear my head. I know what I need to do to improve, it's all good.

Dear Nate,
Did you see Tyramail?! OMG! I knew the yalie-girl was gonna hit the showers. Her attitude that she swung around those judges, I'd have sent her packing then and there! I miss being able to talk to you sometimes. Hope all is well.
Ryan

It's personal, and I'll be gone before it happens

I can't be up-beat all the time. It's okay when I'm in a bad mood; and a sad mood. I guess I'm still paying my dues in life and still letting karma clean itself up after I've taken advantage of it in the past.
It's hard to go on sometimes. Sometimes I feel like everything drops on me at once and I want to bow out of life. If all the world is a stage then I just want to exit stage right and hang out on the side for a time. I've got some straightening out to do. "It's time to be a big girl now, and big girls don't cry."
I'm not very smart. turn to stone. Lose my faith. I'll be gone before it happens.

I'm not resilient like I used to be. I've taken a lot of blows, and now in my older age, I can't take them as often as they've come. "All of my clothes feel like somebody's old throw-aways."

Dream away your life, dream away your dream.
I won't sell out, but I'll walk away before I'm broken.

When's this d@** season going to pull up its stakes and leave!?! I'm ready for it all to get colder. But they do say that it gets cold on Halloween. Halloween.

I'm not ready to celebrate Haloween this year.

So far I've heard two of the new songs from Madonna's up-coming album. It sounds very much like her first album... there's an underlying beat, some other background sounds and then lyrics. I think, at least in my "totally unbiased opinion" that it embodies the direction that music is going in the US right now... the 80s are defing in the sound nowadays, and who was 80s pop music? That's right, you know who.

Hear Me Out

I just sent an email to an ex explaining that I really don't like it when people just cut me out of their life. If that's what he wants to do, then I told him to at least tell me and to go into the reasons. I'm a big boy, I can take it.
I think it mostly came from that he is worried that I'll get upset that he's dating someone new. On the contrary I'm happy for him.

yesterday I spent the whole day with Ami. I think she's the best. Ever, full stop.

I'm with Verizon now with no changes in the digits. I got my bro's old phone. It's a palm phone and it's big and bulky and I think I like it... lol... I like how it shows things better than the flip phones, but it's a brick to carry around.

I have Madonna's new song, "The Beat Goes On." It's effing awesome! It's a total parody of "Hung Up" but I like the message just as I did in HU. "I can't keep on waiting for you, anticipating that you won't keep me waiting... Always the bride's maid, never the bride, two steps behind, you've got too much pride, always supporting never the star, get it together cuz the beat goes on..."

I made a decision that I'm not waiting anymore. It's a broad statement but I like it. I feel alive now that I'm doing my thing. If I can find someone who can keep up then great. Both friends and lovers. I'm over trying to appease or walk on eggshells, I like it straight to the point or you're done. I'm not cold, but I scrutinise much more about the people in my life.

humble pie anyone?

(I apologize)

intuition hasta el sol

I've been fussing lately over what songs I want on my Fall 2007 compilation CD. I like them to mean something to me; carry a personal significance. I like the CD to tell a story.

Stolen - "We watch the season pull up its own stakes, and catch the last weekend of the last week... Watch you spin around in your highest heels, you are the best one of the best ones. We all look like we feel."
How could I not put this song on? It wraps into a few versus and choruses emotions that I feel about the summer, and the end of the summer, when much was going on in my life.

Good for Me - "To feel for you is easy, my baby. I know you're good for me. This feeling inside me, oh it sends me sky high. You're good for me my baby."
Who doesn't want to feel like this about someone? I've felt it, I've loved it. It reminds me of that happy feeling of having someone in your life that is good for you, just having them there is enough, when your heart feels so euphoric that it might burst open.

Puede Ser - "No sé si quedan amigos, y si existe el amor. Si puedo contarte contigo... Puede ser que la vida me guia hasta el sol." (I don't know if friends will remain, and if love exists. If I can count on you... It could be that life will guide me towards the sun.)
Como quiero esta canción. Me da sentimientos de que lo que pasará en la vida estará bien... yo puedo guiar mi vida a lo que quiero, pero al mismo tiempo hay algo que afectará mi vida, sobre lo cual, no tengo elección.

Wonderland Theme - There's a feeling of new mystery, of a new story beginning, though the story is old and been told many times.

Borderline - "If you want me let me know, baby let it show, honey don't you fool around."
A return to my girl's early 80s stuff. I love the old sound of it, the simple music and even more simple lyrics. It's simple. That's what I'm looking to do with my life. I want to simplify, get back to the basics of life. I think happiness is fundamental; it's easy to get lost in too much stuff and forget to be happy with all I already have.

Pure Intuition - "We've been wanting each other since before we were born, and I will want you even after I am gone."
So many memories with this song. Once again that love that is so powerful, so obvious, is what I desire. I refuse to settle. I can count on one hand the number of people have I felt this passionate about.

Please don't stop the Music - "I wasn't looking for nobody when you came my way."
Love when I see some one new who gives me that unknown thrill of not knowing where it might go..."

The Music's no Good Without you - "We skid along the razor's edge, but you were crazy to be free... I miss you boy, I really do, come back to me... the music's no good without you baby, the music's no good at all."
I've ruined some of my best friendships. Some I don't know how or why, others I know exactly why. I'll never give up on them or think that it's over. They will always be in my heart, because what you love can never let you go.

Who Knew - "If someone said three years from now, you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out... I wish could touch you again, I with I could still call you friend."
People come and go. I'm still learning to recognize and hang on to the special ones.

Cuídate - "Tus ojos me cuentan que te han visto llorar. Llena dos copas de recuerdos de historias que tus manos aún tiemblan si me escuchan hablar. Tu cuídate, aquí yo estaré bien, olvídame yo te recordaré." (Your eyes tell me that they've seen you cry. Fill two cups of memories and stories so that your hands tremble when they hear me speak. Take care of yourself, I will be fine here, forget me, I will remember you.)
Enough said.

White Flag - "I'm not trying to make your life harder or return to where we were... There will be no white flag above my door... And when we meet, which I'm sure we will... I'll let it pass and hold my tongue and you will think that I've moved on, I will go down with this ship."
Recently I broke off a friendship, but I'll always love him.

Alive Again - "And it cuts like a knife as I watch you walk away. There's a bridge I need to burn before I leave, I just want to live again, like a story rain, I need to hear it beat again. I only want to keep the storm from rolling, I only want to learn to feel the rain..."
I'm making changes, learning what I want out of life and how to make it happen.

Call on Me - Great beat, takes me back to when I was just coming out, I kinda feel like that again. I think I'm learning how to be me, how to get closer to myself.

Vogue - "Beaty's where you find it, not just where you bump and grind it... Get up on the dance floor... Bettie Davis we love you."
;)

Secret - "Until I learn to love myself, there was never any loving anybody else. Happiness lies in your own hands. It took me much too long to understand how it could be."
I've made some stupid choices, done stupid things, but I recognize that, I own it as they say now. And I'm going to get better.

Nobody Knows Me - "No one's telling you what to do how to live your life but it's a set up, until you're fed up. This world is not so kind, people trap your mind. I sleep much better at night, I feel closer to the light, now I'm gonna try to improve my life."
Learning from my mistakes and moving forward positively.

X-Static Process - Not myself when you're around... in a crowd... all alone at night. ...will you look at me, don't know who I'm supposed to be. I always wished that I could find someone as beautiful as you, but in the process I forgot that I was special too."
I'll probably never have it figured out. I'll always be searching, my only goal is to progress and get as close to myself as I can.

Can't Take It In - "It couldn't be anymore beautiful. I can't take it in."
I'm really happy with life and where it's going. I still have so much to correct and improve, but I'm on the right track, and that makes me happy.

Keep It Together

This weekend I went up to my parents' house for my little brother's farewell. That means in Mormon terms that in the church meeting he had to get up and give a talk, talking about how he is excited that he has been called to serve in the Porto Alegre, Brazil, Mission.
It was really a great time with the family. All of us kids were there for it. It was a lot of fun to talk with them and just spend time.
There was a huge crash on the I-17 South yesterday, and though it was terrible, I did trace the silver lining which allowed the family to stay together much longer as we waited it out. I love when we all get together.
I don't have more fun with anybody than I do with my sisters, parents, and brother.

Family is better than gold.

I also thought a lot about when I was going on my mission to Guatemala. It was an experience that was simply amazing. In the setting apart of my bro, I remembered the excitement of going into the unknown, going off to a totally foreign country to live and serve for two years. I think I was a bit jealous that he was going and I wasn't.

All this made me think of the good times and feelings I had in the church. Though currently I'm not practicing the religion, I still really love it and remember that I was at one point very happy to be a member.
Where does this leave me now? I little closer to myself I think.

yes ant, I think you are.

Elucidation of metabolic pathways

I hate biochem. I have been studying non-stop for like three days and I feel likeI know nothing. Granted I had four weeks to study for this test, but what fun would that be to not cram before the test, like I always do? Course this is the last time, I will be preparing on a daily basis for it for every test hereafter. Mark my words.

Hey Mr. Cooper,

Feel free to do your thing. Just have more shirtless photos taken. That will be all. And maybe check out this site.

Why Annie?

Why do I talk to the dog in a gushy, luvy-wuvy voice? Will she understand me better? Maybe I think that it will convey my affection for her three-fold as opposed to the normal, boring, one-fold voice.

The Front Row

I finally saw Casino Royal. It was a good show. But watching it just for D.Craig was totally worth it. I can't say I really followed the plot line (it takes a lot these days for me to just sit and watch a movie, unless of course I'm in a theater).

This past weekend I had a pool party, got too drunk and spent yesterday recovering.

Too drunk. I had a very large blow out with a friend. It was dramatic; el final. I don't plan on being in touch with him any longer. I did send an apology email but I didn't beg for forgivness. I did say I was sorry and was wrong. But I could never get our relationship right: I always wanted more, he kept me at an arm's length.

So I have to go on, go on, don't sit there like a fool. You've graduated from a different kind of school.

(I guess this could be a good time to just lay low. I feel like I've been making some stupid decisions lately. It's time to get back on the track I was on just last week)

From what the Dr. says, I have an inflamed sciatic nerve. So now I'm on 550mg of naproxen bid, and tramadol prn. The tramadol is fun.

But also, I cannot go to the gym, or run. Maybe swim. He says let the pain be my guide... what's that pain? I need a bag of cookies and an old Betty Davis movie? Ok.(I wish)

So I told myself that since I can't do much exercise, I will begin to eat properly. Once and for all. And thus, in these two weeks, I will have laid the foundation for healthier eating, and be closer to being healthy and physically fit and begin working out again already with good eating habits in place.

(this is my before picture) (lol... riiiight...)

As of right now, I don't have the internet at my house, I hate it. But so far I'm managing to stay alive. I'm back at school, and this is (finally) the last year! And there are soo many cute guys on campus this year. Since it's my last I think I'm going to try and be a little more brave this year... what are they going to do, beat me up? ;)

Downtown Lights

Over a bottle of wine on a Monday night. We talked of foreign cities and dancing till dawn. You showed me pictures of your recent travels and I told you of my classes, and all the new information.
I tried to tell you of the ways my heart tends to wander. I don't love you anymore, but I hold you very dear in my heart.
A common friend, new to the group, the group formed as I stood on the sidelines hoping to be called over, this friend who stole my heart. He used words to barter for my emotions. But his actions were all pointing down a dead end street. You liked him, but didn't want his heart, carnal was on your plate only.
He and you. He and you. You didn't do anything. You two are still strangers. But I see the ground work being laid for the future. I'm not stupid and I can read certain signs. I know when you two run off on your drug-induced cruise, I know when you two are no longer bound by the ropes I've tied around you, I haven't tied nor ever wanted you to feel bound, but you two have unspoken emotions, emotions that stop before the world of emotion. Physical.
I might be jealous, I might be insecure.
I guess the dice have been thrown, though it's hurting me. Now it's history.

The winner takes it all, the loser standing small.