it's been awhile

I'm good, but...
I like him, but...
They like me, but...
I think I want to, but...

Are you limitations? Until I try I won't know.
I wish you would just like myself. Happy in chosing this moratorium.

Moratorium from the flavors of entanglement. (By Alanis) (I good new word)

So now I chose to fly solo, to fly free. Just like Elphaba.
I hope I'm happy.

sense of myself

Finally understand where I go wrong. Comprehend my mistakes. A foundation of direction. No more limbo. Still growing up. Still making mistakes. Still not understanding. Still falling off my foundation. Hoping for divine perfection.
Done.
Gone. Here.
Starting. Beginning.
Commencement. Finished.
End.
Fun now, fun later. Learn from my past. Smile, love, accept, enjoy, utopia, hell, cry, friends, lovers, cheating, honesty, it's a bitch to learn, it's wonderful to love, knowledge is power.

Keep going forward, I'm afraid to be stagnant.

myself/ground

I've lost myself. I'm not writing for me anymore:

I forget why I do what I do.
Why I like what I like.
What makes me, me.

So much has happened, and rather quickly. I thought I wanted it so badly. But now I find I don't want all that.

I want to be happy. I've changed my mind on people, places, things, etc. I'm trying to be what I'm not. I'm trying to be what I think I should be. But not what I am.

Stepping out of the whirlwind. Finding the light and quiet again. Watching a leaf fall to the groud; blow in the wind. When the sun sets and the city sky reflects the particles to its canvas. Feeling words get caught under my fingernails. Digging in the water, running to catch the dust. Remembering to remember much and often, and smile twice that. Looking for my room's ground. New goals phoenix the old ones. Old knowledge pouring new. A life of understanding, fruition, events, passings, etc. Making bonds, mending damaged bonds, breaking bad bonds. Anticipating May, brooding over December.

Heavy on my heart

It's hard. I say. Can the sun ever shine too much?

In My Mind's Eye

I am sitting on a large rock, over a stream. My feet are in the water, being stirred by the current, and I'm enjoying the cool water. I feel like I've walked a very long way.

Recently some stuff has gone down. And I find that after my initial reaction of feeling hurt and betrayed, I am stepping back to analyze the situation.
Am I happy? Was I happy? What went wrong? Was I completely to blame? Do I want to hang around to see if it gets better? I was hurt once already.
I'm always quick to point out that I'm not perfect. But I don't think I deserved all that was shot out at me. The silence. The disregard. Treating me like a child. Talking down to me.
My emotions have recoiled. It's not the same: things are different, things have changed for me. It's still weird. I'm in a limbo. I know that I am waiting, I'm hesitating.

I'm hoping that he will try to make amends, try to reach out to me. But I can't return on my own.

Once bitten, twice shy.

Things are different, but have things changed?

I saw something very similar written on someone's myspace. It made me think. And I think I liked the implications of it. You can move to a different spot in the theater, but still see the same show. Only your view is different. Hopefully it's a bit more clear. I hate to think someone would move to distort or block his/her view.

I know that I view things much more differently. I think it is more clear too. But I still have a lot of uncertanties in my mind. But only time carries the answers. And my job is to be patient.

I knew I wasn't ready to be done, I knew I needed to try again. I knew I needed to explore other possibilities. I knew I was not going to give up. And I had to start to look at things differently. I had to look at myself, my life, where I was going. I can't forget who I am, but I always want to learn how to become a better person.

So it's the summer-- summertime...

So much swirling around my thoughts: new boy, graduation, pharmacy school in the fall, etc. I think you can call me happy.

At the Polls...

Which one do you like best? From left to right: #1, 2, 3, or 4?

Day 1 - voices ring in my head

I woke up with this song in my head. He was staying over. I worried that he didn't sleep well. I know that I was up a lot. Weird, but I think I'm at the two-week-withdrawl. I find that I'm starting to find why I shouldn't like him. But it's just fear. He's still good, a great guy. My insecurities usually pop up around this time to convince me I'm happier alone. They say that he really doesn't like me. But what do they know?

I find that when he's away from me, I like him more.

My nail biting needs to come to an end. That is something I need to work on. Also I'm going to the gym right after the laundry gets done in the washer. This is all part of my goal for the 90 days.

I'm getting over some of my past. The only conclusion I could draw was that I just need to put it in a box and forget about it for now. I don't know how to deal with certain emotions and feelings that still creep up from time to time. I'm hoping that as time goes by I'll understand them more, or really learn to not worry about them. I'll truly get over them. I think it's all part of getting my ego in check. I'm still prideful about a lot of things and still indignat and angry about them as well. I still blame others in my heart for what happened.

I blame them for their weaknesses. I don't feel they are totally unscathed, and totally in the right. I don't think they handled it as they should have. But we are all still just kids.

I've learned that with age one does get wiser, but one is still prone to act childish. I thought that adults had it all figured out, but I see that we all are still trying to understand life and figure ourselves out. I don't think anyone really has it figured out.

More Musing

I feel like a fuzzy dream is just ending. What was ASU? I'm no longer there, I'm no longer in my undergrad. I'm going to be starting a doctorate program. Technically you could call me a Dr. when I graduate from pharm school. I always wanted to be a Dr, and I guess now I'll be one. Course I always thought It'd be a medical doctor. But I don't want to practice medicine.

This summer I want to concentrate on goals that I simply need to accomplish.

Tomorrow thought Aug 2nd starts a 90-days programme. I don't know what it entails totally, but that I'm going to be very productive... lol.

"Miles Away"

That's my favorite song from the album so far. "All my dreams, they fade away. I'll never be the same." I feel that I'm in a transition: graduation, pharmacy school, new boy. My coworker and I were talking that life just seems to be going really, really well. We're both waiting for the shoe to drop, for life to slap us back down with a splintered ruler. But I get that life is what you make it. You get what you give. What goes around comes around. I've been trying really hard to be a good person; to not be victimized, to be strong, to let little shit go. "So far away..." could possibly be an introspection to where she wishes she were, to where she wants to get.
I feel so far away still from what I want to be, but so much closer at the same time.

I still struggle with letting the past go. There are still people who creep around in my thoughts that I thought, that I hoped were resolved, but they are not.
I still silently cringe when I hear their name. I still lower my eyes when I see them out. I still feel a hollow lump form in my chest when I hear news about them.

I wish I could let it go.
I wish I could just get over it.
I wish I could just go on.

I have moved on in my life. I have made progression. I think I'm a good person. I've learned from my mistakes. I've learned not to assume the worst. I've learned to just let people be who they are. I've learned to not expect anything from others, except myself.

But I still don't move on. I still digress. I still let myself get tripped up on illusions.

I hope with time I'll get better.

My thoughts, my rants, my raves

So I was just browsing the other day, and decided to visit http://ohlalaparis.com and I see that they've GROWN. A lot. I remember when they were just beginning, or at least when I first started to visit. I haven't been by but a handful of times in the past 2 years, and I guess they've moved onto bigger and better, and I'm sure much more lucrative things. I still remember when they were smaller and I LOVED one of the pics they took.

So I tried to look for it and ended up going through some memories, lots of old friends and good times... wow. But I couldn't find it. But the point was that one of the guys emailed me directly. I'm sure they are still in touch, but I'm sure they are much more busy.

What was the point? I don't know other than things change. sigh.

I cannot wait for Madonna's new album. YUM!

A Petal that isn't Torn

I've been thinking that there's a lot that I need to drop from my life. I need to let go of a lot. Still.
I feel that I have made much progress, but it's still so easy to fall into the same habits and the same ruts. I've fought to be so strong, and move beyond my hang-ups. But I still fall.
Sometimes I go to a secret garden, a place that I can be where there is no bad and all the crazy thoughts in my head are normal. But I'm still thirsty to understand life, and my yearning for knowledge increases.
I've become very picky about lovers. I don't want just anyone. I'm happy to be alone, and can wait forever because I don't want to settle.

I am a fan of Madonna. But purely from a writing point of view, this article on Madonna was very well done. I thought so anyway. The writer apologetically uses references with out explaining the meaning and the context. I loved it. I felt like I was reading literature (to be so brash). I felt like it wasn't another "This is Madonna, and this is what I think of her" (though he did offer his opinion quite a bit). He painted her in shades and lights, used metaphors, and presented a story. I was intrigued. Oh, and reading something new on Madonna was nice.

So Many Thoughts...

I have so much swirling around in my head right now. It seems that finally things are going the way they need to. But more importantly, I think I finally understand that it's me who makes them happen.
I look back over this past year and I feel like it was a dark and bumpy road. I was unsure, depressed, and not doing a whole lot to get myself out of there. But around December I started to pull myself out of it. It was difficult. It was a process. I'm still working my way to a better me; a better life.
The road is still going to be rough and tough at times, I'm going to fall down and have to get back up, but I feel like I've made it though the longest stretch of hard terrain. I feel like I have the strength in me to deal with what may come next.

I'm looking forward to the road ahead.

I think the biggest change was that I accpted that I needed to change. I feel like I'm a better person, more so in my life. I'm doing what I know needs to get done. I'm trying to improve. My goals are to better myself and try to better the world around me. Then things will happen when they need to happen. I'm sure I'll find someone who fits like a glove into my life; someone I adore and who adores me.
I'm happy, I'm getting more happy as I continue to set and attain my goals. I know I'm capable of doing anything. It will just take hard work to do it. And I'll always reach for the things that may be just beyond my grasp. But I won't know until I try.

First; Latest

Just Friends

I at the wall by the fountain.
You walking to me.
Clear, fresh night. My flame for you strong.
My universe on you.

You low, me high.
Mirrors in the room.
You in my eyes.
What a dream.

I felt the same.
Like you had never left me.
One, two martini later.
Time always wins.

I wanted more.
I still want more.
But right is obeyed.
All a flash, in a dream.

Where to start. But I'm tired. I'm lying through my smile. I'm dying away inside. I'm happy you're in love. You are special.
I do adore you so. You're so beautiful. Do you know how I feel? How do you feel? How do you feel without me? I'm so powerless, I need to sit up straight. Why's it happening? How's it it happening that you feel it with out me?
It's good to be in love. I'm really happy for you. I'm happy you're in love.

You don't look at me like you used to. You don't speak anymore in "us." Excuses have taken your place, and I ask you to not come back. You should know well at your age what this does to a heart.

All the time I spent with you... all the time...

a letter not left behind

I'm not sure why, but as I entered the kitchen I immediately noticed that the bowl of fruit was different: one of the apples was missing. When I entered the office, I thought my desk looked like most things were shifted a few centimeters off. The bedroom had a faint hint of my cologne; the bed seemed to be straightened up just off from how I left it.

I opened the door, went to your room and laid on your bed. I closed my eyes, you were just on the other side, I didn't reach out. I sprayed your cologne and smelled you again. I saw the papers on your desk, same bills and correspondence as always. I knew you liked the apples the best, so I was able to taste you once more.
I should leave, the sun is setting. I should go before you catch me here.

I sat down at the table, staring at the fruit bowl. I'd have given you so much more if you had only waited just a minute longer.

You're Right,

I think I am tired of playing the victim. Thanks for pointing that out.