Good for me

So it was good for me to hang out with R. He reminded me that I'm not as busy, or even fit-to-be-tied as I thought I was. I can do so much more.
So much more.
He's good for me.
I need to start reading again. I need to clean my room again. I need to look at the sky again. I need to enjoy the birds chirping again. I need to take Ginger for walks again. I need to call my mom more often. I need to babysit my neices and nephews more.
So much more.
A bump on a log no longer. A heap on my bed no more.
I can be so much more.

Something

So Madonna is now 50. I'm looking to move, and I'm tired.

I may have it a wall

I'm so tired of all the crap. Really.
I'm tired of these ideals, and if you're not up to par, you suck.

Wow.

I'm tired of all this crap.

I think I allow myself to be in the crap.
I'm getting out.

I don't care if it's not right,

I still want your arms around me.

Pot of coffee, consulting the coffee rings. When do I tell myself to get over you?
The the unknown intrigues me. I want to get into your head, learn your thoughts.

I could never know you well, you're too complex.
That is what draws me to you.
(The coffee's cold now)
My attention is drawn to thoughts of you sleeping next to me. You move, your leg touches mine.
I debate internally if I should respond or if you just sleeping. Sleep usually won, and still wins.
I want to put my thoughts of you to sleep.

Be the friend you indirectly tell me you need.
I think that I'll be done with it. Tell myself to just be done with it.

I wonder if the microwave should heat the coffee.
I wonder if the microwave could heat your emotions.
I wonder if the microwave would bring us together.
And then I laugh.

Chasing what I thought

I tried to think you were good for me. You were though. I thought I knew.

But I try to remain unaffected.

There's this emotion that I feel in my core. I know what it means, I know who makes me feel it. But with him, lonely is a garuntee, he's not coming home to me.
Please can I go with you? I'll be your beauty #2.
Hey can I go with you? My beauty is only number two.
It's over, I don't want to be over. It's not over.

I wish I were. I wish I were the object he wanted.
But he sees me as a rose, to not be touched.
I know I'm not, I'm an orchid.
I'm all intense around him, trying to hide my faults.
I want to trust him with my heart, and have him trust me.

Happy to be incomplete

By that I mean still evolving. I am a sweet piece of work, or I want to think so. I wonder if I'm like an orchid but trying to live like a rose.

Putting both feet into my life. I don't want to live half-way anymore.

it's been awhile

I'm good, but...
I like him, but...
They like me, but...
I think I want to, but...

Are you limitations? Until I try I won't know.
I wish you would just like myself. Happy in chosing this moratorium.

Moratorium from the flavors of entanglement. (By Alanis) (I good new word)

So now I chose to fly solo, to fly free. Just like Elphaba.
I hope I'm happy.

sense of myself

Finally understand where I go wrong. Comprehend my mistakes. A foundation of direction. No more limbo. Still growing up. Still making mistakes. Still not understanding. Still falling off my foundation. Hoping for divine perfection.
Done.
Gone. Here.
Starting. Beginning.
Commencement. Finished.
End.
Fun now, fun later. Learn from my past. Smile, love, accept, enjoy, utopia, hell, cry, friends, lovers, cheating, honesty, it's a bitch to learn, it's wonderful to love, knowledge is power.

Keep going forward, I'm afraid to be stagnant.

myself/ground

I've lost myself. I'm not writing for me anymore:

I forget why I do what I do.
Why I like what I like.
What makes me, me.

So much has happened, and rather quickly. I thought I wanted it so badly. But now I find I don't want all that.

I want to be happy. I've changed my mind on people, places, things, etc. I'm trying to be what I'm not. I'm trying to be what I think I should be. But not what I am.

Stepping out of the whirlwind. Finding the light and quiet again. Watching a leaf fall to the groud; blow in the wind. When the sun sets and the city sky reflects the particles to its canvas. Feeling words get caught under my fingernails. Digging in the water, running to catch the dust. Remembering to remember much and often, and smile twice that. Looking for my room's ground. New goals phoenix the old ones. Old knowledge pouring new. A life of understanding, fruition, events, passings, etc. Making bonds, mending damaged bonds, breaking bad bonds. Anticipating May, brooding over December.

Heavy on my heart

It's hard. I say. Can the sun ever shine too much?

In My Mind's Eye

I am sitting on a large rock, over a stream. My feet are in the water, being stirred by the current, and I'm enjoying the cool water. I feel like I've walked a very long way.

Recently some stuff has gone down. And I find that after my initial reaction of feeling hurt and betrayed, I am stepping back to analyze the situation.
Am I happy? Was I happy? What went wrong? Was I completely to blame? Do I want to hang around to see if it gets better? I was hurt once already.
I'm always quick to point out that I'm not perfect. But I don't think I deserved all that was shot out at me. The silence. The disregard. Treating me like a child. Talking down to me.
My emotions have recoiled. It's not the same: things are different, things have changed for me. It's still weird. I'm in a limbo. I know that I am waiting, I'm hesitating.

I'm hoping that he will try to make amends, try to reach out to me. But I can't return on my own.

Once bitten, twice shy.

Things are different, but have things changed?

I saw something very similar written on someone's myspace. It made me think. And I think I liked the implications of it. You can move to a different spot in the theater, but still see the same show. Only your view is different. Hopefully it's a bit more clear. I hate to think someone would move to distort or block his/her view.

I know that I view things much more differently. I think it is more clear too. But I still have a lot of uncertanties in my mind. But only time carries the answers. And my job is to be patient.

I knew I wasn't ready to be done, I knew I needed to try again. I knew I needed to explore other possibilities. I knew I was not going to give up. And I had to start to look at things differently. I had to look at myself, my life, where I was going. I can't forget who I am, but I always want to learn how to become a better person.

So it's the summer-- summertime...

So much swirling around my thoughts: new boy, graduation, pharmacy school in the fall, etc. I think you can call me happy.

At the Polls...

Which one do you like best? From left to right: #1, 2, 3, or 4?

Day 1 - voices ring in my head

I woke up with this song in my head. He was staying over. I worried that he didn't sleep well. I know that I was up a lot. Weird, but I think I'm at the two-week-withdrawl. I find that I'm starting to find why I shouldn't like him. But it's just fear. He's still good, a great guy. My insecurities usually pop up around this time to convince me I'm happier alone. They say that he really doesn't like me. But what do they know?

I find that when he's away from me, I like him more.

My nail biting needs to come to an end. That is something I need to work on. Also I'm going to the gym right after the laundry gets done in the washer. This is all part of my goal for the 90 days.

I'm getting over some of my past. The only conclusion I could draw was that I just need to put it in a box and forget about it for now. I don't know how to deal with certain emotions and feelings that still creep up from time to time. I'm hoping that as time goes by I'll understand them more, or really learn to not worry about them. I'll truly get over them. I think it's all part of getting my ego in check. I'm still prideful about a lot of things and still indignat and angry about them as well. I still blame others in my heart for what happened.

I blame them for their weaknesses. I don't feel they are totally unscathed, and totally in the right. I don't think they handled it as they should have. But we are all still just kids.

I've learned that with age one does get wiser, but one is still prone to act childish. I thought that adults had it all figured out, but I see that we all are still trying to understand life and figure ourselves out. I don't think anyone really has it figured out.

More Musing

I feel like a fuzzy dream is just ending. What was ASU? I'm no longer there, I'm no longer in my undergrad. I'm going to be starting a doctorate program. Technically you could call me a Dr. when I graduate from pharm school. I always wanted to be a Dr, and I guess now I'll be one. Course I always thought It'd be a medical doctor. But I don't want to practice medicine.

This summer I want to concentrate on goals that I simply need to accomplish.

Tomorrow thought Aug 2nd starts a 90-days programme. I don't know what it entails totally, but that I'm going to be very productive... lol.

"Miles Away"

That's my favorite song from the album so far. "All my dreams, they fade away. I'll never be the same." I feel that I'm in a transition: graduation, pharmacy school, new boy. My coworker and I were talking that life just seems to be going really, really well. We're both waiting for the shoe to drop, for life to slap us back down with a splintered ruler. But I get that life is what you make it. You get what you give. What goes around comes around. I've been trying really hard to be a good person; to not be victimized, to be strong, to let little shit go. "So far away..." could possibly be an introspection to where she wishes she were, to where she wants to get.
I feel so far away still from what I want to be, but so much closer at the same time.

I still struggle with letting the past go. There are still people who creep around in my thoughts that I thought, that I hoped were resolved, but they are not.
I still silently cringe when I hear their name. I still lower my eyes when I see them out. I still feel a hollow lump form in my chest when I hear news about them.

I wish I could let it go.
I wish I could just get over it.
I wish I could just go on.

I have moved on in my life. I have made progression. I think I'm a good person. I've learned from my mistakes. I've learned not to assume the worst. I've learned to just let people be who they are. I've learned to not expect anything from others, except myself.

But I still don't move on. I still digress. I still let myself get tripped up on illusions.

I hope with time I'll get better.

My thoughts, my rants, my raves

So I was just browsing the other day, and decided to visit http://ohlalaparis.com and I see that they've GROWN. A lot. I remember when they were just beginning, or at least when I first started to visit. I haven't been by but a handful of times in the past 2 years, and I guess they've moved onto bigger and better, and I'm sure much more lucrative things. I still remember when they were smaller and I LOVED one of the pics they took.

So I tried to look for it and ended up going through some memories, lots of old friends and good times... wow. But I couldn't find it. But the point was that one of the guys emailed me directly. I'm sure they are still in touch, but I'm sure they are much more busy.

What was the point? I don't know other than things change. sigh.

I cannot wait for Madonna's new album. YUM!

A Petal that isn't Torn

I've been thinking that there's a lot that I need to drop from my life. I need to let go of a lot. Still.
I feel that I have made much progress, but it's still so easy to fall into the same habits and the same ruts. I've fought to be so strong, and move beyond my hang-ups. But I still fall.
Sometimes I go to a secret garden, a place that I can be where there is no bad and all the crazy thoughts in my head are normal. But I'm still thirsty to understand life, and my yearning for knowledge increases.
I've become very picky about lovers. I don't want just anyone. I'm happy to be alone, and can wait forever because I don't want to settle.

I am a fan of Madonna. But purely from a writing point of view, this article on Madonna was very well done. I thought so anyway. The writer apologetically uses references with out explaining the meaning and the context. I loved it. I felt like I was reading literature (to be so brash). I felt like it wasn't another "This is Madonna, and this is what I think of her" (though he did offer his opinion quite a bit). He painted her in shades and lights, used metaphors, and presented a story. I was intrigued. Oh, and reading something new on Madonna was nice.