I LOVE San Diego

I'm in Sand Diego now. Waiting for the boys to get ready so we can go to a car show and then be out and busy about. I think I like it a lot here. I could live here. We went to a bar called Flick's last night. It was a video bar. I must admit I like the music at the video bar in Scottsdale much more. There the DJ plays more top 40 and the popular songs that some fags hate to love... Like old Madonna, anything Janet, Christina's "Dirrty" is usually there.

But I did find it funny that both bars have their drink specials on Wednesday. Must be a video bar thing.

I think today we are going to a car show, and then to the Spaghetti Factory to eat and meet up with some people that we met last night at the bar...

Meeting people is one of my favorite things to do. It's so interesting to get to know a stranger. It's like a drug for me, I love it.

B made nut brittle yesterday and this morning it has to be the best breakfast that I have ever had! Only for a minute I was worried that my tooth broke off in the chewing process.

vaya

no he podido esta vez, vuelvo a caer. que importa nada si no se reir, no se sentir. quiero llorar, quiero darte un beso sin pensar. quiero que me ensenes a jugar. se que me vuelto a perder, que vuelto a desenterrar todo aquel que pase.

hoy he dejado de hablar. quiero disimular. reinviento. quiero que mi mundo deje de girar. quiero que mis manos tengan fuerzas para dar.

no se como explicar que solo puedo llorar. necesito la paz se que esconden tus ojos, que se anuncia tu boca,

cuenta me aquella historia de princesas y amores que un vez te conte yo.

draft

Should I just smile, go to bed or throw a party? All of my clothes feel like someone's old throw-aways. These cucumber eyes glimmer in the light of another. All colors go where you do. I feel so powerless. I need to stop this somehow and be happy. For you. The window glass reflects where you once stood. Rain still falls on that soggy plain in spain. argentina still shouldn't cry. I want to buy you a small mixing bowl for the reception. You'll still be on my Christmas list. old jeans are comfortable, like an old lover. past is in the past. assimilate past and future. adoring you, all good. beauty, you know me inside out. even my dark secrets. I have to love you, I can't help love you. I'm happy for you. my head is happy for you. my heart stopped 20 minutes ago. my heart is beating just fine. my heart understands too. I'm telling my heart to be happy for you. it is. it'll come around.
It's good to be in love.
I'm happy you're in love.

I'm happy you're in love

(why's it happening? how's it happening? that you're feeling it without me.)

a dios le pido

estoy perdiendo las ganas de escribir. lots of shit has come down and lots and lots of wonderful things to be happy about. I am loving life right now. I am going to San Diego in just two weeks I'll be there!!!! I love San Diego. I also am much closer with the straight boy and I know for a fact that I can only ever be friends with him, but really good friends. I called the girl today. I think we might hang out later. Yes I'm gay. Or I think I am. Why do I like a girl? Why am I attracted to her. My roommate would roll over in his grave if he were dead. I just don't think that once gay you can never go back. Do I make any sense?

new beginning

This semester has drawn to a nice close. I've put the books away and boxed up the backpack until January. But I did leave a few text books out so as to read some and review. I'm sure there's a book nerd somewhere in my soul, I just need to find him.

Last night I went out to celebrate the end of school, and met someone rather nice. He is from Seattle, and has been in town for about a year, but is just now coming out. He has lived in Seattle and San Francisco and NEVER went to a gay bar there (and is now going to bars in Phoenix, wow. Living in solid "10" cities and then moving to a "3" city, in my opinion, it's probably best he didn't have any thing to compare to, if so, one word: disappointment). So I'm kind of excited to help him get his feet under him, and what's hard is that he's attractive and smart and REALLY nice, kind, generous, and gentlemanly. But I've told myself that he's beginning and more than likely with his new found freedom and sense of self, he'll need to "experiment" as we all did. So I've told myself that friendship is as far as I can go.
And he's new meat, so all the wolves will be after him. But you always remember the friends there with you at that time of your life, right?

Since school is over, I'm feeling free, and like I have SOO much time on my hands. So this morning I cleaned the kitchen and my room and should have gone to work out and run, but that is tonight and tomorrow. So the cute straight boy works out, so does the new guy. I NEED TO GET OFF MY FAT ASS AND GET TO THE GYM. No more excuses. So starting tonight, I'll do yoga, and then run and lift tomorrow morning. I need to. end of story.

A great read for the season is Here. This story made me feel all warm inside. I think I may be been somewhat inspired, but quickly moved that feeling out of mind... hehe.

www.dooce.com

I must insist that all read today's entry on dooce.com. Good, funny stuff.

Now Serving Bitter, Party of One

Today, being Friday, I sent out text messages that stated "Happy Friday!" to various people. Because I'm very happy that today is Friday (I'm sure everyone is).

I can be somewhat conniving, and so I sent a text to JV. Yep the same one who didn't return my text over 1.5 weeks ago when I asked the simple question, if he had heard of the movie Closer. So when I got his text back, it stated: "To you too. How ya doing?"
Well I'm pulling my 13 year-old card and not going to answer back. That will show him, damnit!

And then reality sets in and I realize that he probably doesn't even remember I texed him in the first place. sigh. Yeah, the wind has been taken out of my sails. Oh well. But at least for like .3 seconds I felt like I would get him.

I guess when I'm the one who likes, I'm always the "loser."

Early Morning

The only time I'm ever awake to see the sun rise is if I stayed up all night. After a really huge night of going out and all that, I got home just in time to watch the sunrise reflect off the buildings of up-town Phoenix. This is a view from my balcony at about 6AM some time ago. The silence and tranquility of the moment seem to come back to me when I look at the picture. I remember I stood out there for a long time just thinking, meditating. Crucial parts of any existence. I don't do that like I used to. But I'm looking forward to school's end so I can have a bit more time to contemplate life and my next move.

If I Were a Girl

This is my coworker. Looking up to see her fate. After begging me to erase this picture, I advised her to just accept the inevitable. She is the funniest girl I have met. Hilarious. Her wit is unprecedented. And she's always in a good mood. Sometimes I'll say things just to see what her return statement will be. I love it.

Over It

I'm over the whole camera phone thing. It was really cool to begin with, but now I think that I'd just rather have a camera. That takes good quality pictures. But that won't happen for awhile. So I'm going to start taking really crappy quality pictures with my phone and post them here de vez en cuando. I don't worry about letting people know that they will be posted. The camera is of such quality that any discernible features of my models will probably not be captured.
I think it will be fun.
Last night was out of control. I got really drunk and have been trying to get over the hangover since. I should know that I don't do well with the hangovers. They attack me very ferociously. But the straight boy and B were all about getting me drunk, while they themselves got drunk. Then the night escalated until we found ourselves naked and... wait, that didn't happen. We just went to IHOP for some good 'ol drunk grubin'. YUM!
I think I'm having bowel problems because of that. Or maybe not.
But no studying was done this morning, and so I'm going to study tonight. I have to. I have to take a test tomorrow at 7:40AM. Who in their right mind would expect a person to have the wherewithal to take a test at that hour? I don't know either.
But I have swallowed a whole smurf tonight in order to study and not get too distracted.

Cheers to me and studying!

Fast Food

So today I smell like I camped all night in Jack in the Box. My roommate left his (damned) deep fryer on all night. Not only is that a fire hazard, wasting electricity, and making the apt smell really bad, makes food really greasy (but at the same time irrisitable)... I smell really bad. ugh. Tonight will consist of opening windows, lighting candles, rewashing my pants that were drying in the living room, and Febreezing everything. then I think that I wasn't going to go out, but I think that I will go out to get away from the stench. And to celebrate that there's no school tomorrow.

Note: Looks like me and my french-fry-smelling trousers will be heading out tonight to hang with the cute straight boy and company. Did I mention that the cute, straight boy was mormon once upon a time too? It's nice having a cohort in crime.

And we lived happily ever after.

Door Closes. Window Opens. Window Closes. Watch TV.

So today was your typical Monday. Got to class to take the final exam and realized that I left my final paper at home. Typical. So had to rush home between class and work to get the paper. But I did learn that ASU has an Anthropology building.

Song of the Day is definitely "Special" by Garbage. Shirley was totally singing my song. "I thought you were special, I though you should know. But I've run out of patience, I'm tired of silence..."
And I was kind of sad about the whole JV situation (groan from the audience). I couldn't shake that little nagging reminder in the back of my mind.

So in the midst of it all, I get a random call from a good friend of mine. "Hello"
"Come outside."
"What?"
"Come outside, I'm in my white pickup." I leave my cell (cubicle) and outside sure enough there she was.
"Here, I brought you this drink, it's my favorite. It's all melted and if you don't like it, don't waste it, give it to someone. I'm going to get my hair cut. Bye." I could hardly mumble a bye before she was driving off.
She is the best. She totally made the day much better.

And then after that I checked my email, and saw that a friend emailed me in response to my email, and he lifted a weight off my shoulders that was becoming tiresome.

So the day got better.

I'm tired right now, and so I'm going to continue learning about the cell and all . I go to San Diego in 23 days. (Yea me!)

And then as if following some divine cue, would you believe that a friend who moved to San Francisco just called to catch up and let me know that he's going to be in town this weekend.

Usually, I'd begin to start wondering when the bad was going to come on again, and think that today I've burnt through 7 years of saved up good luck and any spare karma that I may have had.

But you know, why? How about if I let off the cynical mood and just enjoy the moment. Relish. Life just isn't as bad as I've lead myself to believe lately. It's actually pretty good.

I can't help but think that there are some big changes that will happen soon. And even if all it is, is that I get to retire Audry from the calendar and hang up Madonna, then so be it.

Come what May

Today was a surreal day. I felt as if I was drifting through a dream for the most part. I will be going to bed early tonight. For the most part I wish I had this weekend to do over. I don't usually regret, but I regret this weekend. I won't go into the incriminating details.
I hope though that this regret will dissapear and I can count this as a learning experiene. And it will. That is something I do.

Sometimes I still feel like a child learning, learning things that by now I should know and be well aquainted with. I have to remind myself everyday to keep my head up, and to continue pressing forward. It would be easy to run away, but I can't. That's not me. Sometimes I don't feel strong enough to make it. Other times I feel 10 feet tall and bullet-proof. I think it's a process of forgiving myself of the mistakes I have made. And I need to forgive all others of the silly offenses I've taken. There is no need for me to be jealous. Or upset with another's personal choices regardless if I feel they were made in error. I can't take things so personally anymore.

I've been wanting to harden my heart, turn to stone and become cold. And just not care anymore. But in the back of my mind I know that staying warm and welcoming is what I need to do. If I lose that, I can't help but feel I'll just become another face in the crowd. We're all human here together. I just need to let go, and follow my heart. And I promise to try.

Drunk

So this is my first drunk entry. this = truth. not for the faint of heart.

Tonight. Went to a straight bar. Girl hit on me. Got girl's number. Girl is a lawyer. What the fuck is up with me and lawyers? Should have walked away from lawyer/girl. Will I call girl/lawyer? While talking to girl/lawyer, roommate comes up to me and asks if I still want to go the the GAY bar. I look at lawyer/girl. Girl/lawyer looks at me. Mental note to kill roommate later. Roommate leaves. I cover up well with girl/lawyer. (Remember to thank god for alcoholic effects on hearing). Told girl/lawyer name of bar similar to the GAY bar. Leaving bar, confronted roommate what the FUCK that was about. Roommate comes up with LAME ASS excuse. I accuse roommate of being jealous and having CRUSH on me. Roommate becomes quiet. Umcomfortable silence ensues. I point out next semi-cute boy I see. Thank god for diversions. Mental note to never bring that up again.

Gay bar: Girl comes up to me and asks me if I get tired of girls hitting on me, and proceedes to hit on me. Make out with girl. I know making out at bars is tacky. This bar is a tacky bar. Buy girl a drink. See straight guy friend out with his other gay friends, and realize have crush on him. Say hi to him and walk away. Mental note: must get over crush. See friend out. Friend's partner not in town. Friend flirting wildly with other boy. Groping and kissing wildly with other boy. I wish friend well. Friend tells me nothing is going on, nothing will happen. Friend and other boy leave together. Smile to myself, for I am evil. I messed around with friend's partner back in my promiscuous days. Smile not malicious smile, or happy for what I did, but that really, WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.

Realize god is playing a cruel joke on me: I'm attracted to boys, boys not attracted to me. I'm not attracted to girls, girls attracted to me.

I suppose that if god is getting a laugh out of me, then that must be my purpose.

New favorite song: "Love Tried to Welcome Me" by Madonna
Irony: love has never tried to welcome me. It's the other way around.
Solution: accept fate. And go on with life.

LOVE the movie CLOSER. GO SEE IT. Clive Owen is new love interest.

"Loniness has never been a stranger to me. These are my lips but they whisper sorrow. Instead of sping it's always winter. And my heart has always been a lonely hunter."

Oh yeah, while drunk will say I hope JV suffers much and dies a slow agonizing death after a boring, lonely existence on this planet. Not because I hate him, but because that is what he did to my heart. okay even when drunk don't really wish that on him. I guess I just wish him the best. Cuz I guess I'm not.

Right then. Bed.

Debate

Should I go to bed early on a Friday? I am sick and actually leaving work early because of it.
Should I go see the new movie Closer? I have planned this night with a co-worker for about a week now.
Should I hang out with some friends (a couple) that I know at the end of the night will ask me to stay over?

Hmmm.

Okay this one wasn't hard at all. I think I'm gonna hang with D, Julia, Natalie, Jude, and Clive tonight. I'm pretty sure B will join us.

Happy Friday!

Sometimes you Lose

Even the most aggressive of contenders must know that when a situation is perceived as futile, it is time to bow out graciously.
I was careful however and holding my head up, I leave the battlefield unscathed.

Pack a lunch, this is a lengthy one...

I'm sick. I'm on the up-swing though. But regardless of the impending finals and my current physical status, I went out last night. I still have a weakness to saying no to a good time. And it doesn't help when a really cute boy is asking you to go. I feel total friendship for him, and so I justified it as "development of friendship." He's one of those people that I've known not too long but feel a connection with. Like we met in a previous life or in the spirit world...

Major Personal Realization Ahead:
So while out last night, I was all about just hanging out, dancing when the right songs came on and relaxing. Usually though at this particular bar, I've always felt to be on the uglier side of the patrons. But I've noticed that with time and my new ideas about how to view myself, I have become more open to the idea that I'm not as ugly as I think I am (how shallow can I get, worrying about looks was so 2003. But I still have my own personal demons I'm confronting). Anyway, I decided that last night at the bar I was on the better looking side of the night, and granted that if I would get my fat ass to the gym a bit more often, I'd be quite the catch. And actually the fact that writing this is making me puke just a little in my mouth (just a little bit) says to me that maybe I'm further along than I think I am. When people tell me I'm cute, I think that they are just being nice to get me to shut-up... "Just tell him he's cute and he'll be quiet the rest of the night." They might just actually mean it, and not be placating me. So it's nice to finally see progression on a war that has been on-going since I was old enough to distinguish between that kind of thing.

Now don't go thinking I think I'm supermodel quality! Goodness no! But quality enough so that the majority of people don't go running away screaming when they see me.

Also today I revamped my phone. I purchased a new ring tone and a picture to display. I'm excited. (Please just sigh now, cuz yes, it is all still Madonna themed, but I LOVE IT!!! and it makes me happy! (wink)) Hey! I'm taking on one issue at a time here... lol.

Hella Times

So, I took one of those online quizzes today, because I'm really ahead at work, and I didn't want my supervisor getting any crazy ideas that I was actually capable of doing more work. So I was wasting time. According to the quiz:

-I am spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones I love. (who doesn't?)

-I try to enjoy my life to the maximum and my love life is soon to blossom. (Please Mr./Mrs. Fate LET IT BE JV)

-I will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever. (NEVERMIND, let JV be a different one that lasts.)

-I have a friend who completely confides in me and would do anything for me, but I may not realize it. (and a good thing, I'm all about cashing in on this one... hehe)

-This person is your best friend. (I had to name a person of the same sex, of course JV, and friend ship comes before love, am I right?)

-I will have 37 close friends in my lifetime. (my favorite number)-I like adventure. (only because I chose CA over FL)

-I am spontaneous and like to please people. (I plead the 5th)So there you go.

Oh, and I have actually been doing some reading and I totally need to refer any or all of the poor souls who may wander here to www.dooce.com. It is a wonderful site. She is ex-mormon and not afraid to voice her opinion. I swear I know her... she lives in Salt Lake, I was born there, we were both raised mormon... I'm sure we're related in one way or another... hehe.

Forget It

I want to believe, but this cloud hangs over me.
There’s a place where you follow me
There’s a breath that you share with me
There’s a taste of what life could be.

I’ll just fade away (Please let me stay).
You go your way (I could live forever here)

You’re the part of me that I don’t want to see.