I'd take two if I was you

My thoughts are going 278km in every direction. They aren’t making any sense. I am feeling so much one minute and then utter emptiness another.

I think he’s losing interest. But then he seems to still talk about a future. It seems that an energy is lacking in his words. A comfort or certainty lost. But I cast it from my mind. I can’t worry about fairytales.

Will it be fun? I know I have a past, and it’s something I’m not proud of. It makes my heart ache when people bring up my not-so-great past. I try and put a fake smile on. But it hurts all the same. I know they don’t mean to rub my face in the mud, but that’s how I feel. It’s my won guilt from the game that I lost.

I’m learning that it’s the differences in people that make them great. I’m learning how to understand that people show their affection in different ways. No one else out there is going to show attention or affection in the way that I do.

I feel silly when left wishing you would take more time to communicate with me. The miles to go before we meet are each a hindrance. I’m down to be open, but sometimes I’m just down.

What do you have to say Frou Frou? “It’s your life, but you’ve only got one.”

I have to respect it is yours. But don’t keep me on the periphery for long. I’m a central kinda guy. I am your center since I make you mine. I won’t rotate around anything else. Once you commit yourself to me and me to you, I am your family. I come first. I can not survive any other way and I won’t settle.

Last night the darts were fun. I think that with a few more years practice I should be decent. The hot tub ran a little long. I didn’t have the excitement of new interest energy to propel me on. Soft bed never felt so good. But I had to leave my cares and worries on the floor last night. I knew they would be there when I got up. But when in bed I needed a quiet head.

Having my shirts cleaned and pressed and starched for me is the best things EVER!!

When I talk to an rph she makes me all flustered and that twittery feeling. She’s married. Has a child. I’m gay. She’s not. I have a crush on her.

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Embrace

embrace what? everything. Just stop fighting it and embrace it. Things seem to get done more thorough when done with patience. change comes slowly but as long as it's coming, what's the rush? enjoy the change. find happiness in the day to day routine. no need to just live through the days. while work may be drudgery my attitude doesn't. right. good moods. life is really too short to just live through it. Enjoy. Embrace.

Ode to a Ropero

I’m breathing in and out.
Confused about you and me.
I’d buy the whole damn tienda de ropa
Just to see your eyebrows often.

Me miento that we could ever be more.
You have a novio and I would too.
You make mariposas jump to color their wings more.
Ashamed that evolution didn’t give them the brilliance you have.

Tell the sol to make me for you.
To make me shine in your ojos like a jewel.
I reach out to hold you in my veins,
I search Neruda and Dickinson for answers.

My love, mi amor, the wind whispers words,
Working, waxing my melee’s front
On your fortress. My silent battle cry.
Understanding in silence I shall dwell for now.

todas cosas buenas y malas se acaban

Mi corazón grita callado por tu ausencia.
Mis lágrimas botan desde mis ojos cerrados
Hasta el fondo de mi alma vació.
No se porque te fustes de aquí. No entiendo
Porque te marchaste, dejando mi, mi amor.
La soledad me habla y causa que sospeche,
rogándole a la luna que me de una respuesta.

Ahora gasto las tardes navegando un café.
Las memorias de ti que salpican mi cordura.
Donde haya paz de los recuerdos voy.
He pegado la pared más debajo de la calle.
El castillo que construí contigo queda dentro
Pesados están los hombros, las rocas y ladrillos.

Tu corazón engañó el mío y ahora se ría
Se burla de mí. Te busco y solo encuentro mar.
Bolsas llenas de colores y bolas. La vida se llana.
Lloro, te busco, grito, pienso, hablo, como, bebo,
Vomito, mato, abrazo, beso, doblo, caliento, frío.

it is, so be it.

So then, I am trying really hard to just let things happen, let things go, and not look so deeply into things.
It seems that as soon as I write down what my silly thoughts are, they really transform into very silly thoughts indeed. I was feeling a bit irked that it seemed that I was always writing huge emails to N and then only getting a few lines in response. But I reminded myself that he was very pleasant in conversation on the phone and picked up a lot of my slack when I just ran out of things to say. So emailing may not be his forte, I don’t know. That’s why I’m not going to look too deeply into this or anything else for that matter.

It is what it is.

That is my new mantra. I need to just let things be as they are. I’m single and aware of it. That’s just me right now. I don’t know what the future holds. All I can do is try and enrich my life and really enjoy the circumstance I have.

Also I was talking with A and while I was talking I realized that I was looking forward to the San Diego trip so much that I was hating the other days just for not being the day of San Diego. I need to enjoy each day and make things happen. And get some sleep. That sounds nice.

Enjoying things for what they have to offer, for what they are. A small conversation with a friend. A song from the 80s that reminds you of your childhood and when you would clean the bathroom every Saturday morning. A joke from a co-worker.

Just relax and let things go the way Providence has determined.

Funny but this brings up an experience that I had in my biochemistry class. I was debating dropping the class, but a very strong impression told me to not drop. So I didn’t. Things got much better in the class and to my surprise I passed with a grade better than I had thought possible. I think God still acts in my life (or the energy, whatever) to help direct my life… He’ll let me wander around some but when it looks like I’m going to really deviate from the path, I get bumped back on.

So with that perspective… understanding that there is a force that is keeping things under control… can I really worry too much about my life? I take care of the day to day things and keep my long term goals in view and work towards them, and then the lose ends that move beyond my means are taken care of.

It’s kind of nice to think like that.

I'd like to trade him in for a newer, upgraded model please

I'd like to get out of this rat race we call the game of love. Maybe settle down with someone. That would be nice.

It seems that boys always have their eyes out for something better. I understand that possibbly it is that we haven't found what we're looking for.

"Am I it? Could you get more?" "Is it you I want?"

I just hope that there's someone out there for me. I know there's someone out there, there just has to be.

So What's the Deal

with everyone revamping their blogs? I guess I can relate since I've felt bored of the blog and wished it would magically turn into a page that Madonna would read daily. But if that were a 20 point blog mine definitely would be a 3.14... hehe.

Pi.

I guess I'm over worrying that the masses don't flock and I'm not garnering any prestige.

The stigma of having the best blog in town or trying to break free and be 180 from everyone else seems to have infected many bloggers' minds.

Must. Get. Out. Of. Rut.

Or get into the rut cuz everyone else has seemed to leave it.

Let the blog be it's own blog. It is what it is. Mine: boring as hell some days, and inspiring other days. But I seem to still keep writing and enjoy it.

Kudos to chasingmercury.org! I think that embodies the essence of a blog.

Notice the name change? What's in a name? It just seemed to fit.

A Much Needed Laugh

The Gay flight attendant meets the princess.....


An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you."

"Tray-up bitch."

light thoughts

For awhile now, something that has been in the back of my mind is religion. Not that I am going back to active church attendance and paying tithing and will return to the temple, but that I find that its principles answer some of my questions as to why I am unhappy.

I find that I get stressed a lot and feel indignant over small and large things alike. I get jealous, or upset, etc. These are feelings that I just don't like. But a few days ago the impression hit me that all this was because I was looking at life with the perspective of "what can I get out of this."

I was/am a very selfish, prideful person. I still get caught up in my pride often, I'm not happy like that. I found that when looking at certain situations from the point of view of "how are others being affected by this" or "how am I affecting others" I have found that the bad feelings disappear. I think Christ was on to something when he said "Love thy neighbor as thyself" and "Turn the other cheek."
Things make sense with that perspective, and I feel much better.

I no longer take things so personally. I find that I am more at peace with myself.

Branching from this idea, I also am trying to put in practice the saying "I'll worry about that when I cross that bridge." This alleviates the stress of all the "what ifs" I usually wile away the hours worrying about.

I used to think that I was a generally giving person. But too often in the past I have gotten riled up over silly issues and feeling offended when I'm sure the person never meant to offend. I'm trying to be humble, to try and put others' happiness before my own. In essence I am learing to serve, to be my brother's keeper. I have so far to go, but I find that even just this small scratch on the surface has made a large difference in my life. I find I'm happier. I really do think that there is something in that religion after all.

"Let them worship how, where, or what they may..." it just seems a good idea.

I'm bored at work and I am trying to work, but my physics book is always in the corner of my eye, and I really want to grab it and study.

Test tomorrow.

I'm not feeling very prepared.

Funny how that never seemed to bother me yesterday.

at least give us a smile

So every time I see this the thought passes my mind, HOW did she get a job at HOOTERS?

celoso & Other's Words

La noche ha llegado a mi corazon.
Como una oja en el viento mi esperanza se aleja de mi.
Si pudiera olvidar el dolor dentro de mi alma.

Ya acepto que no hay lugar para mi en la cara de amor.
Las ramas de vida se me han dejado en un abismo.
Me siento en la oscuridad, sin luz, sin calor.

I'd love to ride in a fast car far away from here.
Any place will be better.
Do I leave tonight or die this way?

But I need to taste the rain.
I need to taste my tears.
I may curse the angels,
I need to face my fears.

far from the maddening crowd

Sometimes I've got a good mind to throw it all away, and never look back.
Sometimes I feel it's just not worth it.

But then I realize that I'm really really stressed.

But ending it still really sounds nice. And starting over. New.

But then I find that I'm okay a few days later.

Sometimes I really really hate being human.

faxing MD for new replacement rx

Sometimes my sanity lies in the understanding nod of a friend. Just understand me. Or at the very least pretend that you do. And maybe smile. People really are more striking with a smile on their face. When a friend of mine smiles, she seems to emit a light. Gosh I’d marry her.

Another school week done! I am finding that I really enjoy the class. Who would have thought that physics could be enjoyable. But I'm not going to spend my Friday nights studying. But definitely Saturday morning.

Chicago boy is coming at the end of July. Last night we IMed each other. I'm worried that he's too prudish for me. Not that I would want to go further than a kiss, but I worry that even to the extent that I can't even call people names... in jest... around him.
And as C pointed out, by taking him to San Diego I will be taking him to the place I have been much less than an angel. I'm sure he will hear about all of my past. But in a sense, that will be the test.

Love me despite my past, or even love my past, because it brought me to you.

I eat the salad just for the cottage cheese

Final Question:
I fall only for people I know I cannot have or who push me away. Once affection is returned, I lose interest. What are you going to do?

This responsibility thing is nice. I find that this weekend despite the big event I'm still not going. Unless I'm invited. It would be rude of me to not go if invited. But I would sacrifice my studies. I long for an A. Despite how much I may not like physics. I will learn to love it.

You just get up again, over and over and over. How many times do I read blogs or write on my own these insights to life that have freed me from the former bondage that held me. Life is too short! Live it to the fullest! Take joy in the small things....

Small things that make me really really happy:
Warm tea on my balcony, just me and the roar of the city (obviously in winter).
An email from my sister.
A letter from my mom.
My niece's smile, my nephew's laugh.
Listening to "Burning Up".
A clean bathroom.
A text from a friend.
A cello solo.
Having a full tank of gas and heading to San Diego.
That I can understand most Spanish.
Long walks with a friend.
Making dinner for my friends and no one got sick.
When my roommate loads the dishwasher.
Small talk over coffee.
Going to bed 30 mins early so I have time to just think and imagine before I fall asleep.
Relaxing in an empty steam room in the gym.
Darts with Chris
Chips and Salsa
Mint in a cosmo
Going to the Theater

Giiiirrrrrrrrrlllllllllll...!!!

Saturday night was spent at the Cho concert. I love her. She was great. I liked her message of equality and fighting for what is only fair and right. I tell you I have never seen so many gays in one area outside of pride. She definitely is the Fag Whisperer. Towards the end I realized that I was exhausted from laughing so much.

Afterwards I went dancing with E and it has been awhile since I had so much fun just letting lose and shaking my ass.

why do you leave me wanting more?

Friday night was the first time I have ever been to the ballet. And I really liked it. The shapes that the dancers formed, the incredible gracefulness, the dance, and of course the tights. It all proved to be an experience that I loved. I had to go back Saturday for a matinee also. This photo is of two Ballet Arizona dancers, and serendipitously it is a photo of my two favorite dancers. They performed a piece that was very sensual and beautiful. My friend (on the inside) introduced me to the guy. He is short, but for what he lacks in height he more than makes up for it in how adorable he is, and LOOK at his body. Yes, I am in love. He was nice and my friend told me that when she asked him to come out and meet us he said he didn't know what he'd say but he was up for it. So to face yet more drooling fans and put on a smile and endure the same comments that everyone says, was big of him. Thanks Skip, you made a new fan... or stalker... I'm not sure yet how far I want to take this... (wink).

blah

Blah. That's how I feel. When I sit down, I feel like jabba-the-hut. when I drive I feel too-much-gas. I need a dose of gym and a good night's sleep and I think I will be feeling better. But that must come tomorrow.

tonight i'm going to meet an old friend for dinner. this friendship dates back to when I was 9 years old. funny the we both turned out homos. i still laugh to myself.
the school-yard kids used to tease him for being gay. who'd a thought. now days I tease him for being gay. haha.

I agree

"i believe that there is one movie out there that epitomises the tenuous relationship that love and commitment share : closer.

more than once, when people speak of loves lost, strayed and broken, do Alice's plaintive pleas whisper through my head.

so when was it? when was that moment when you could have walked away from temptation's call? when you could have said, "i want nothing of this which draws me from the one i have committed to?"

just like there's no such thing as love at first sight, neither is there betrayal on first sight; both need nourishment and nuturing to sprout shoots and blossom. "

-http://silverliningsfrayededges.blogspot.com/

All the Things she said

Despite how tired I feel after 5 hours of physics lecture and class, and then 7 hours of work, and now I have at least 2.5 hours of homework tonight, I'm in a surprisingly good mood. I'm happy I was able to go out last night for the 45 mins. I saw lots of people who make me happy when see them. And the boy called too. Happy is how me encuentro (I find myself).
I don't' mind that my roommate has probably destroyed the kitchen with his latest cooking endeavor that usually involves lots of grease. Oh well, I'll break out the mop then.
I don't mind that the AC is on really low and the bill will be over $200. I'll make him pay ;)

I have decided to live the Word of Wisdom this month of June. That means no coffee or alcohol. Why? Cuz I can.

I'm really really excited for Chicago boy to come here to visit.

I'm having dinner with my cousin tomorrow, it's been ages since we've had time to talk. I'm excited.