I watch the light slowly fade from the sky. I connect to the shadows as they fall, remembering the dark versus the light.
The sun turns a soft, golden face to the world for just moments more, before disappearing for another night.
The leaves wave in the gentle breeze as if bidding adieu to the long summer day and welcoming the cooler evening air.
I may have lived so much life in such a small and such a short time, that I didn’t even notice my own funeral.
The evening falls and the sun’s last few rays mingle and reflect from the moisture collected at the corners of my eyes.
As our short time together grew to a close, I fought to keep reality at bay, wanting our lives to intertwine forever.
When I was with him, I was a different person. I was carefree, I was all smiles, I was confident in the future. I placed my life on hold so as to be apart of his. Ashamed of the boring life I lead until he came, bursting into mine.
Just as magnesium burns with the luster of the noon day sun, our time at each other’s side shone like a sign to the future.
But just as quickly and intense as it burned, the light vanished and I was left in darkness. Wondering what became of us.
The sun’s last light bravely challenges the horizon, but as the cycle dictates, darkness has come to take its place.
I draw the curtains and turn on a small lamp. The dim, gold light it exudes brings a small smile to my face. I loved him.
And what you love can never let you go.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Friday, June 23, 2006
no one thinks of you, quite the way I do
I was watching the "Inevitable" music video. I haven't seen it too many times, but this time it struck me that she is singing a sad song about losing her lover in front of 1000s of screaming fans.
This caused me to think: Here she was with thousands of people loving her and screaming for her and yet she can only think about the loss of her man. When you lose the person who means the most to you, everybody else just becomes part of the background. You really don't notice that they are there or not because the one that you love isn't there.
Human, we are all too human.
I'm sure we've all been there. Probably more than once. But we always return to love and find someone new. After time of course. I'm a true believer that time heals all wounds.
Here are the English lyrics of "Inevitable" as sung by Shakira. Whether or not she translated them matters not. They are the closest translation in meaning I've ever hear a song translated from Spanish to English.
To be true I must confess, making coffee I'm a mess.
Don't know anything 'bout football.
Been unfaithful once or twice, cannot even win at dice,
As for watches I don't use one.
To be completely honest no one thinks of you, quite the way I do.
It's all the same to you now.
To be true I must confess, I never sleep at 12 or less,
Never take a bath on Sundays.
Since I'm telling you so much, I cry in earnest once a month,
When the weather turns to freezing.
With me nothing is easy, only you can tell,
you know me so well.
(without you everything's a bore)
(chorus)
The sky has seen a million rain drops fall, the hours seem to crawl.
And every day that passes is the same, just like yesterday.
I can't find anyway to forget you because to keep on loving you is inevitable.
Always felt that is was true, when we talk about us two,
I should be the first revealing.
I'm sure you know what's going on, nothing's better since you're gone.
At the very least I'm breathing, and you won't be returning.
Nothing left to tell, I know you so well.
(what will I ever do without you)
(chorus)
Always felt that it was true, when we talk about us two,
I should be the first revealing.
This caused me to think: Here she was with thousands of people loving her and screaming for her and yet she can only think about the loss of her man. When you lose the person who means the most to you, everybody else just becomes part of the background. You really don't notice that they are there or not because the one that you love isn't there.
Human, we are all too human.
I'm sure we've all been there. Probably more than once. But we always return to love and find someone new. After time of course. I'm a true believer that time heals all wounds.
Here are the English lyrics of "Inevitable" as sung by Shakira. Whether or not she translated them matters not. They are the closest translation in meaning I've ever hear a song translated from Spanish to English.
To be true I must confess, making coffee I'm a mess.
Don't know anything 'bout football.
Been unfaithful once or twice, cannot even win at dice,
As for watches I don't use one.
To be completely honest no one thinks of you, quite the way I do.
It's all the same to you now.
To be true I must confess, I never sleep at 12 or less,
Never take a bath on Sundays.
Since I'm telling you so much, I cry in earnest once a month,
When the weather turns to freezing.
With me nothing is easy, only you can tell,
you know me so well.
(without you everything's a bore)
(chorus)
The sky has seen a million rain drops fall, the hours seem to crawl.
And every day that passes is the same, just like yesterday.
I can't find anyway to forget you because to keep on loving you is inevitable.
Always felt that is was true, when we talk about us two,
I should be the first revealing.
I'm sure you know what's going on, nothing's better since you're gone.
At the very least I'm breathing, and you won't be returning.
Nothing left to tell, I know you so well.
(what will I ever do without you)
(chorus)
Always felt that it was true, when we talk about us two,
I should be the first revealing.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
soapbox
So I'm breaking from the frenzy of information, and decided that I wanted to write notes on that Emerson speech. So I printed it out and began again. One of the things that jumped out at me was when he spoke of, "a people too busy to give to letters any more."
Well that sparked my memory, and I remember when no-so-many days ago, I used to get really nice emails from this guy N.
I think that we learned a lot about each other through those letters, and are most likely a reason why I feel like I've already known you for quite some time. And I think that Emerson may have been foretelling of an age when society is too caught up in being busy that it forgets to slow down and be personable with the other inhabitants of this world. Sure you know someone, but do you really know someone?
One of my favorite quotes is by Thomas Moore: "We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversation with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and risk."
You and I both know how difficult it is to open up and be honest with others... heck, we know how difficult it is to be open and honest with ourselves. But the recompense for doing so not only builds a strong relationship, but edifies oneself. I learn more of who I am and what makes me tick. Just like a therapist. A while back my aunt and I would talk for hours, ranging from our favorite works of art to who's dating who to why we want to relocate to Dallas to why we are so messed up in the head.
I'm not saying that you and I should feel compelled to do so, or that I'm looking to find something like what my aunt and I shared. I believe that every relationship is different, and it takes on the characteristics best suiting the included persons. But I am saying that the lines, the ideas that we have exchanged have been enjoyable for me and something good. I realized that even though we talk pretty much everyday, letter writing is a medium that has its own benefits, and allows certain ideas and subjects to develop and possibly form into more eloquence, thus being a necessary form of communication. Could you imagine me telling you this over the phone or text? LOL
So Emerson sparked me to take a break and let you know this via a letter.
I am looking forward to learning more of what The American Scholar has in store, but it seems it's time for study again.
Hope your day is going well and dinner with your uncle was nice. And you already know, but it seems appropriate to say it again, I'm proud to call you friend.
Truly,
ryan
Well that sparked my memory, and I remember when no-so-many days ago, I used to get really nice emails from this guy N.
I think that we learned a lot about each other through those letters, and are most likely a reason why I feel like I've already known you for quite some time. And I think that Emerson may have been foretelling of an age when society is too caught up in being busy that it forgets to slow down and be personable with the other inhabitants of this world. Sure you know someone, but do you really know someone?
One of my favorite quotes is by Thomas Moore: "We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversation with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and risk."
You and I both know how difficult it is to open up and be honest with others... heck, we know how difficult it is to be open and honest with ourselves. But the recompense for doing so not only builds a strong relationship, but edifies oneself. I learn more of who I am and what makes me tick. Just like a therapist. A while back my aunt and I would talk for hours, ranging from our favorite works of art to who's dating who to why we want to relocate to Dallas to why we are so messed up in the head.
I'm not saying that you and I should feel compelled to do so, or that I'm looking to find something like what my aunt and I shared. I believe that every relationship is different, and it takes on the characteristics best suiting the included persons. But I am saying that the lines, the ideas that we have exchanged have been enjoyable for me and something good. I realized that even though we talk pretty much everyday, letter writing is a medium that has its own benefits, and allows certain ideas and subjects to develop and possibly form into more eloquence, thus being a necessary form of communication. Could you imagine me telling you this over the phone or text? LOL
So Emerson sparked me to take a break and let you know this via a letter.
I am looking forward to learning more of what The American Scholar has in store, but it seems it's time for study again.
Hope your day is going well and dinner with your uncle was nice. And you already know, but it seems appropriate to say it again, I'm proud to call you friend.
Truly,
ryan
Saturday, June 17, 2006
the "lost" portion of the letter
I think I just worry about you. You said that I reminded you of a big bother. Maybe somehow, for some reason, I feel responsible for you in this big bad city Phoenix.
There's been a tough learning curve for me and I think I want to help you avoid that, or at least be there for you when you fall. Though I don't know what you've been through or what state you're in now. Maybe this is my subconscience thinking that I'm finally a trainer, and you're my greenie. Though I'm sure I'm far more green than you in many areas.
I care a lot about you, but I know that I'm at a point in my life where I cannot love you any more than that of a devoted friend. That may change in the future, but only time has that answer.
There's been a tough learning curve for me and I think I want to help you avoid that, or at least be there for you when you fall. Though I don't know what you've been through or what state you're in now. Maybe this is my subconscience thinking that I'm finally a trainer, and you're my greenie. Though I'm sure I'm far more green than you in many areas.
I care a lot about you, but I know that I'm at a point in my life where I cannot love you any more than that of a devoted friend. That may change in the future, but only time has that answer.
Monday, June 12, 2006
something I found interesting
What do you do when you find out that a part of the reason why your ex-best friend decided to quickly exit your life, is now calling that small reason boyfriend?
We were joined at the hip -almost- for quite sometime. Then, within weeks, I never heard from him again. He tried to act as if we could still hang out... when we happened to see each other out. But one night I slighted him by not even recognizing his presence. He got mad. And I buckled like I was the bad guy. I'll admit I was not wholly innocent in the matter but I was going through a tough time of my own. But I was still going to stay friends, after all, don't friends do that?
But he decided that no longer having me in the picture was best. And I didn't mind so much... afterall I wasn't totally innocent, as I said.
I tried a few nice emails, and he cordially returned them.
And then out of the blue, I get an email from "the small reason" full of pictures of their trip to Mexico.
So I'll give back ground on "the reason." I dated this guy for about three weeks. It took me that long to realize that he was a user, he was selfish, and without ambition. I didn't feel like getting caught up in a slug. So I bailed... on the night when he and I were supposed to hang, and he opted to watch a movie and spend the night with another guy.
This was for the better. Sure I was mad, felt betrayed, but he pointed out that we were only "just talking." True. But I ended it anyway, with a rather immature text, but oh well, shame on me.
I had another friend who had a huge crush on "the reason." I dated "reason" anyway, not listening to reason. I broke the number one friend rule. Shame on me.
So the ex-friend was upset with my behavior. Then the grand exit.
I don't know details of his reason for leaving my life so quickly, and I really thought that with time we would work things out, not to become what we were, but at least to be friends again.
But I realized that after seeing that he is dating one of my cast offs... not that I'm a casanova, and really this ex-friend is an amazing guy, I realized that I no longer want to try and make friends with him again. I completely got over him, us, the friendship.
Ex-friends. I'm okay with that being us now. I still think things a bit funny, and can't help but raise my eyebrow at his tactics. But then they might be in love. Just like he was in love with the pilot, with the model, with the guy after the pilot.
I think I might feel pity for him. We all lie in the beds we make. And I've laid in plenty of uncomfortable ones... but still, I find things peculiar.
But this is good, I no longer feel guilt or responsible for what happened. I feel like I've become wiser from all this. And I find that I'm much happier, now that I know he has his "reason."
We were joined at the hip -almost- for quite sometime. Then, within weeks, I never heard from him again. He tried to act as if we could still hang out... when we happened to see each other out. But one night I slighted him by not even recognizing his presence. He got mad. And I buckled like I was the bad guy. I'll admit I was not wholly innocent in the matter but I was going through a tough time of my own. But I was still going to stay friends, after all, don't friends do that?
But he decided that no longer having me in the picture was best. And I didn't mind so much... afterall I wasn't totally innocent, as I said.
I tried a few nice emails, and he cordially returned them.
And then out of the blue, I get an email from "the small reason" full of pictures of their trip to Mexico.
So I'll give back ground on "the reason." I dated this guy for about three weeks. It took me that long to realize that he was a user, he was selfish, and without ambition. I didn't feel like getting caught up in a slug. So I bailed... on the night when he and I were supposed to hang, and he opted to watch a movie and spend the night with another guy.
This was for the better. Sure I was mad, felt betrayed, but he pointed out that we were only "just talking." True. But I ended it anyway, with a rather immature text, but oh well, shame on me.
I had another friend who had a huge crush on "the reason." I dated "reason" anyway, not listening to reason. I broke the number one friend rule. Shame on me.
So the ex-friend was upset with my behavior. Then the grand exit.
I don't know details of his reason for leaving my life so quickly, and I really thought that with time we would work things out, not to become what we were, but at least to be friends again.
But I realized that after seeing that he is dating one of my cast offs... not that I'm a casanova, and really this ex-friend is an amazing guy, I realized that I no longer want to try and make friends with him again. I completely got over him, us, the friendship.
Ex-friends. I'm okay with that being us now. I still think things a bit funny, and can't help but raise my eyebrow at his tactics. But then they might be in love. Just like he was in love with the pilot, with the model, with the guy after the pilot.
I think I might feel pity for him. We all lie in the beds we make. And I've laid in plenty of uncomfortable ones... but still, I find things peculiar.
But this is good, I no longer feel guilt or responsible for what happened. I feel like I've become wiser from all this. And I find that I'm much happier, now that I know he has his "reason."
Sunday, June 11, 2006
exactly an hour
That was how long it took me to grow up, put the past behind me, admit my faults, and move on, and return his text.
A friend, a cordial friend, is the space I have decided to accept that he fits into my life. Him living in El Paso will allow the heart to heal in no time, but I hope I never forget what I was, what I became, how I acted, and how to accept that sometimes I'm not perfect. But most importantly to learn from it.
I'm not sure why my heart latches on to some people and not to others, but I am learning still about myself. I'm getting closer each day to who I am, and understanding that sometimes I need to not allow myself to even entertain certain thoughts.
5:27 p.m. I was going to fade him from my life.
6:27 p.m. I allowed a new friend into my life.
A friend, a cordial friend, is the space I have decided to accept that he fits into my life. Him living in El Paso will allow the heart to heal in no time, but I hope I never forget what I was, what I became, how I acted, and how to accept that sometimes I'm not perfect. But most importantly to learn from it.
I'm not sure why my heart latches on to some people and not to others, but I am learning still about myself. I'm getting closer each day to who I am, and understanding that sometimes I need to not allow myself to even entertain certain thoughts.
5:27 p.m. I was going to fade him from my life.
6:27 p.m. I allowed a new friend into my life.
out of the cloud
I was not myself for the past two days. I was someone I used to be. I digressed. Flirting via text and phone calls to a guy in El Paso for the past three weeks got my hopes up for when he would be in town this weekend. Despite the great conversations and such, there wasn't any passion. There was no magic. I knew this from the beginning. But I, as I do so well, turned a blind eye to it. I held on to the image I had created in my mind. I have done that so often in the past. I knew the signs, I knew the actions, I knew the friendly courtesies void of emotion. I knew what was going on. Finally last night it hit me in the face... POW! But glad that it did. It was just an affirmation that I need to be alone, I need to be on my own.
Talking with Ami, it became apparent that I need to not even entertain the idea of a relationship in any form beyond that of a friendship with anyone right now. I need to be just Ryan for awhile. I think I need to decide on a time frame. I think it needs to be a long time. I think for the remainder of the year I will not date anyone, I will just concentrate on me. This will be something I need to practice at.
But on the plus side, I met some really nice people through him. One of his friends is a painter and another is a lesbian that has really got it going on. I wish I could have her determination and confidence. The bf of the painter was really sweet and mostly spoke Spanish which allowed me to practice with him. This guy wasn't a bad guy either. There just wasn't something there on his part. He was on vacation. He wanted to go out, he wanted to meet new people. He didn't want a weekend bf as I was thinking we would be. I lose who I am sometimes.
"Jesus Christ will you look at me, don't know who I'm supposed to be. Someone say if I should give a damn, when you're around, I don't know who I am. I always wished that I could find someone as beautiful as you, but in the process I forgot that I was special too. I always wished that I could find someone as talented as you, but in the process I forgot that I was just as good as you." -madonna
Talking with Ami, it became apparent that I need to not even entertain the idea of a relationship in any form beyond that of a friendship with anyone right now. I need to be just Ryan for awhile. I think I need to decide on a time frame. I think it needs to be a long time. I think for the remainder of the year I will not date anyone, I will just concentrate on me. This will be something I need to practice at.
But on the plus side, I met some really nice people through him. One of his friends is a painter and another is a lesbian that has really got it going on. I wish I could have her determination and confidence. The bf of the painter was really sweet and mostly spoke Spanish which allowed me to practice with him. This guy wasn't a bad guy either. There just wasn't something there on his part. He was on vacation. He wanted to go out, he wanted to meet new people. He didn't want a weekend bf as I was thinking we would be. I lose who I am sometimes.
"Jesus Christ will you look at me, don't know who I'm supposed to be. Someone say if I should give a damn, when you're around, I don't know who I am. I always wished that I could find someone as beautiful as you, but in the process I forgot that I was special too. I always wished that I could find someone as talented as you, but in the process I forgot that I was just as good as you." -madonna
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Are you ever on myspace just looking around and you see someone that you haven't seen in FOREVER and you used to hang out and stuff and you wonder, "why did I ever lose touch with him/her?" And then you click on to read about said person and within the first four words you remember exactly why you allowed yourself to forget him/her?
Me too.
Me too.
better man
I feel closer to what I'd like to be. I have been getting things done that are in line with my goals. I also am learning to be flexible where if something went wrong in the morning then the whole day was shot. Not so much lately. I am finally getting to the point where I am doing things that I know I need to be doing.
An example was that I needed to get a jump start on a lab report last night and as I began at 9:45 my friend texted me and was going to be at a favorite bar of mine. I really wanted to meet him out. But I knew that if I went out it would be a long night and a bad morning. So I resisted. And I'm happier for it. My time to play and go out will come around soon enough. That I am sure of.
I also broke it off with a guy that was thinking we were dating and I set him straight. Not to be mean, but I could tell that he was getting too attached and it was time to tell him so before he got too involved. He took it hard.
But he knew I didn't want a relationship... he told me he looked at us as a companionship. Um, that's a relationship buddy. And a monogamous companionship at that. Can you say committed relationship? I'm happy I got out of that before too late. Not that I want to be a slut, but I want to just date right now. I was happy just dating him casually and hanging out. But he wanted more. Ugh. I hate when things get messy.
An example was that I needed to get a jump start on a lab report last night and as I began at 9:45 my friend texted me and was going to be at a favorite bar of mine. I really wanted to meet him out. But I knew that if I went out it would be a long night and a bad morning. So I resisted. And I'm happier for it. My time to play and go out will come around soon enough. That I am sure of.
I also broke it off with a guy that was thinking we were dating and I set him straight. Not to be mean, but I could tell that he was getting too attached and it was time to tell him so before he got too involved. He took it hard.
But he knew I didn't want a relationship... he told me he looked at us as a companionship. Um, that's a relationship buddy. And a monogamous companionship at that. Can you say committed relationship? I'm happy I got out of that before too late. Not that I want to be a slut, but I want to just date right now. I was happy just dating him casually and hanging out. But he wanted more. Ugh. I hate when things get messy.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
but in the process I forgot that I was just as good as you
Do we ever really stop learning about ourselves? I like to think that we don't. I went to dinner tonight with a guy that I had been seeing and though I didn't plan on it, I told him that I was only in the friendship frame of mind. He knew it was coming. He said that it still hurt, but of course it does.
He said that he is still trying to figure out what he wants in life. He is a successful guy so he's not wanting for much, but he still is searching. I could tell. I am too, which brings me to my question of whether or not we ever really know ourselves fully. I think that we can get close, but there's always something else to figure out.
Anyway I was just musing on that. Madonna's X-Static Process song is amazing on that subject. One of the most influential women in the world still isn't quite sure of who she is. I think that half the fun of life is getting to know who you are.
He said that he is still trying to figure out what he wants in life. He is a successful guy so he's not wanting for much, but he still is searching. I could tell. I am too, which brings me to my question of whether or not we ever really know ourselves fully. I think that we can get close, but there's always something else to figure out.
Anyway I was just musing on that. Madonna's X-Static Process song is amazing on that subject. One of the most influential women in the world still isn't quite sure of who she is. I think that half the fun of life is getting to know who you are.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
it all became a silly game
I find I have changed my mind. Realizing certain things about oneself. No substitute for love... none for life either.
I have hoped and tried. I realized that the reason I'm feeling so along is because i've abandoned myself. I am understanding that I'm tired of being the good guy. I'm tired of being there for others. I am sounding selfish right now. I will still be a friend to my friends, but what I'm saying is that I'm no longer going to try and be in people's lives.
I've had a change of heart, time for a brand new start. No more handsome faces, no foreign places, no more buying what I can't. No more heart to steal or give. No fire, no spark, no illusions.
I'm facing the truth and am going to forge my way, and I won't be waiting for you to come around this time. Don't expect me to be waiting when you're ready. I'm just at a place in my life where I can't anymore. I can't.
I have hoped and tried. I realized that the reason I'm feeling so along is because i've abandoned myself. I am understanding that I'm tired of being the good guy. I'm tired of being there for others. I am sounding selfish right now. I will still be a friend to my friends, but what I'm saying is that I'm no longer going to try and be in people's lives.
I've had a change of heart, time for a brand new start. No more handsome faces, no foreign places, no more buying what I can't. No more heart to steal or give. No fire, no spark, no illusions.
I'm facing the truth and am going to forge my way, and I won't be waiting for you to come around this time. Don't expect me to be waiting when you're ready. I'm just at a place in my life where I can't anymore. I can't.
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