So I can be overbearing. I need to remember to listen. I need to remember to feel for where he is. We are going to have lunch on Sunday. I need to not control the lunch, but let it go. Let it go where it takes us.

Thoughts about where I am

I don't think I want to do anything this Friday night with anyone. I feel like I should do some homework and then go to bed. I'm tired. I have had a productive day as far as house tasks, but have done no homework yet. I need to get to that.

But I was walking out to my car when a realization seemed to unload into my head all at once. I realized that these past two weeks of M and I being broken up have been so good for me. I say good because they have forced me to focus on myself. I have had to do things with me to keep busy and keep my mind of the absence of M in my life. I have gotten reacquainted with who I am again and what I want.
The realization was that I was running full force towards a life with Matt, I was running to him, but I was running away from me. He wanted to move slow, and yet after two months I began to think how soon it would be before I could convince him to move in together. Two months. I think I scared him off. I think that he was feeling suffocated. I think he was feeling like he was drowning. I think he was feeling like he was getting in way over his head, and it was me who was causing him.
I've taken a step back and find that I need time for myself. I need to focus on school, gym, making sure I'm where I need to be. That takes time and energy. I was focusing on Matt and putting too much too soon into him, into us.
The realization also showed that he isn't to blame completely. I was pushing for something he wasn't ready for mentally or emotionally. I scared him off. He couldn't keep up with me. He wasn't ready to lose himself in a relationship with me. And I'm grateful he didn't because I see that I wasn't healthy.
Entering a future relationship, I need to remember to take time for me, especially at the beginning. I bull-dozed too quickly into M's life and I see now that it's not that his heart wasn't opening for me, it just wasn't opening as quickly as I was forcing it to. So he had to make the decision to call it off. He was looking out for himself. He was just doing what he felt was best.

I'm happy with who I am, but still get insecure. I still avoid things, I still run from things. I still have to learn more about myself. I'm not afraid of a relationship, but I'm afraid of how I handle them. I don't like how I get caught up in what I cannot see, but the ideas in my head. I get afraid of myself in a relationship. Of course I will date again when the right boy comes along and I feel inclined to do so, but for now I am really loving myself, in the sense that I've been to the gym four times this week, been studying, eating healthy.

I'm happy. My happiness weighed on M when we were dating. And that thought scares me. I should thank him next I see him. I still do care for him a lot. But it's so plain to me now that I was more of the problem than I had thought. I'm happy I can see this, so that I correct myself and work on being me, remembering myself, and remembering that individuality is an essential element in a relationship.

I want to just put the past behind me. I've learned from it and that is its purpose. I want to move on, leaving the pain, the anger, the sadness, I want to leave it all behind me and keep my focus on the road ahead.

Since he and I ended, I no longer take sleeping aides. I get up early again. I am going to the gym and eating more healthy. I remember that I forget myself in a relationship and need to work on my self-esteem. I have been studying a lot more for classes. I have become closer with my family, I have recognized the importance of good friends in my life.

I am happy. I still feel sad, anger, but much much less, and soon I will be over it and ready to move on, and be myself again.

Not just for Gemini

Before she died at the age of 101, photographer Ruth Bernhard attributed her longevity to her restlessness. "Never get used to anything," she advised.
I recommend that approach to you right now, Gemini. You're in a phase of your astrological cycle when thinking big and wild and free will be rewarded.
To improve your physical health and boost your mental hygiene, unfamiliarize yourself with the people and things you've grown accustomed to. Sneak away from your habits. Disrupt and tamper with your normal responses. Find good excuses to be unpredictable.

ready for enough

Quiet in the morning.
The window with just a faint glow, just enough light.
The early of day surrounds my senses.

That faint knot in my stomach stretches and yawns.
I get out of bed and to my tasks.
Plan the day, today is a day.

Ready for change, ready for life.
Scared of myself, scared of the empty,
but tired and ready to accept incomplete.

I can't sit still any longer.
The knot in my stomach,
the knot of my past,
will be let go.

This is a day.
I know what I want.
I know what I need.
I take this day.
Not yet looking forward,
and tired of the past,
today is my day.

wishing I wasn't so affected

The evening is quiet. I think about you.
I miss your smell, your style, the way you form your words.
I think of how you look at me.
These are the things that I miss.
Now I enter a time not for the weak.
I've stood at the top of a tower and dreamt from the fields.
Why I let myself think I'd take you in my arms.
Traveling to that land not many have let me go.
I wonder what you do in your free time now.
I lay down my torch.
I lay down my sword.
I lay down my shield.
I lay down my heart.
I lay down my abandonment.
I lay down my breath.
I lay down my thoughts.
I lay down.
Five story fire. What a game we played.
What a mess we made.
What a fool I was.
What a mess I was.
A design I placed in the stars, but only to flush out with water.

A new start, but remembering the past

As Madonna says, "Say goodbye to not knowing when the truth in my whole life began... and I'll remember the way that you changed me..."

I try to remember many things everyday of my life: How much my family loves me, trying to focus on the positive of a break-up, that I need to study more for the test next week, etc. But I know that I'm no longer a guest in my own life. It's mine and I finally feel like I have the strength to reach out and grab it, and take it back.

But the road has been long, and I've had to sit down many times, and I've gotten lost and given up many times. But I'm happy. I can say that I am happy with where I am in life right now. I still see a road ahead of me, many opportunities to learn, grow, stumble, laugh, and cry.

But that is life and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I went to a funeral of a close family friend this past weekend. She had a difficult, but good life. As we all do. But the thought that stayed close to me the whole weekend was that life is too short for grudges, hate, dislike, and all the things that in the end, only hurt the bearer.

It was important for my family to know me, know who I am. So I came out to my sister. We had been close growing up, but when I finally figured that girls just didn't make the mark, I closed her from my life, fearing that she would reject me. I need her and her family in my life. No one else seems to get me life she does. No one else can discuss growing up and how we felt and the trials we went though, and the good times we shared. No one else listens to my problems and rantings and then she vents and then gets mad when I won't just listen, she needs to get things off her chest and be heard, so she teaches me to just listen. I love that we are really talking again. I love that we can bare our souls and know that the other is just as vulnerable. I love having my sister in my life again.

I recently broke up with a man I thought I could start planning a life with. He wasn't ready. I mourn that I can no longer hold a great, beautiful man in my arms and call him lover, but I keep my eyes and thoughts fixed that one day I may hold this great, beautiful man in my arms and call him friend. I wasn't ready to let him go. I'm still holding on to him. But each day I'm learning to let go of the illusion we can posses. Each day I let him go a little more, and for now I travel in stillness. But I'll remember him, I'll remember happiness.

So I lift my head up and look toward the sun, and know that I must follow my heart. In this time of confusion and change, it's a very good place to start.

So to begin, I have decided that this is the year, my last full year in my 20s, and I am going to do what I keep not doing... haha.
I'm going to get in shape. I'm going to be more professional at work. I bought new pants and shirts for work so that can be a little more dressy, but still not too dressy. ;)
I want to change my image and start to be more classy. I want to be dapper at times.

Each day I hope to get a little more closer to who I am.