Dignity on my mind

I had parents who loved me, family, teachers who believed in me - I don't think that I had all those things dropped in my life to live silently.

I remember I was at church and the prophet said that we must love and pray for the gays.  I felt a message of love and understanding from Gordon B. Hinckley.  I knew I was gay, as most gay kids do.  I denied it, myself, until I had to explode - and I did.  I lived much, so much, in a short and small time.  I'm kind of surprised that I came out of it (relatively) unscathed.  I tried to run from who I was (I think I'm still trying today).  I ran from being gay and then I ran from ever trying to not be gay.  An extreme dichotomy in my life.  I worry that I'm 33 and still feel like I have infinite emotions to sort out before I'm "ready."  I desperately want to find a soulmate, someone who I can be myself around and who will love me regardless.  

I'm not sure how to live out loud.  I don't have a position that I would be listened to by the thousands.  I guess I can hope to touch a few lives.  I have my delusions.  I want to have adoring millions, I want to be loved by them.  But we can read into an internal black hole that needs filling the easy way.  I should love myself.

But I knew that I am not destined to be on some HBO comming out documentary.  I know that I'm meant to live a normal life.  But that doesn't diminish my ability to help people, to hopefully tell someone that having hopes and dreams is most important.  I want to share that putting your nose to the grind stone will reap you rewards.  I am in a good position in life.  I cannot complain.

The angry hatred that spews from the Mormon church these days is not a message of love and prayer any more.  It's an attack on different, it's a recoil to maintain an air of pride over a population.  I just want to know why?  Sin is choosing - choose ye this day whom you will serve.  But I never chose.  Other gays never chose.  If we didn't choose, how can it be a sin?  

I could get married, but I'd be lying to myself, and what hurts me more so is that I'd be lying to a woman I should love more than myself.  I couldn't give her what she deserves.  And us folks around here don't go for second best, baby.

I will taste the rain, I will taste my fears, I may curse the angels, but I will taste my fears.

I'll Fly With You

Sometimes, when the night has slowly crept up on me and my thoughts and mind are weary, I wonder if he ever thinks about me.  Having such a deep, intense relationship that ended overnight threw my world into a tail spin. My foundation was rocked. I still think about our times together... the city mural painted on his wall.  The trips to San Diego.  It was bazaar to lose a part of my life so suddenly like that.  Animosity.  Hate.  I confronted him and he apparently was tired of how selfish I was?  I'm not claiming innocence but I guess I hoped that he would have treated me differently.  Just walking away from someone in silence is a cruel punishment.  But I guess I needed to be punished.  I wish he would have felt comfortable, or even felt that I was at least worth a conversation.

Our past has brought us to where and who we are today.  I'm happy today.  I'm content with my life.  I've taken awhile to get going.  I wasn't perfect, nor a fantastic friend, but I thought we were good friends.  This was years ago.  Almost 10 years I think.

I try to empathize with where he was in his life.  I can cerebral-ly understand him.  I can understand why he did what he did.  But my heart still just asks, "why?"  What about what we had?

The world seemed to be all ours, and it wouldn't have been enough.  We wanted all that life had to offer, we wanted to drink it up, let it course through our veins.  We wanted to know who all were, what all tasted like, what all smelled like.  We wanted to skip small talk and run in the fields naked with life flowing past our skin.  And then a door into nothing.

It still leaves me silenced to this day.  I try to grow up, I try to just get over it.  But the ending was all on his terms.  I got no notice, there was no memo in my inbox.  I feel like I never got to close that book and walk out of the room and close the door.

[typing this i see how selfish i can come across. i see i'm only seeing what i had and lost. i don't know how else to deal with it.  i loved him.  i loved him like a partner in an intimate crime, involving time and many hearts.  a crime of hearts and time.  since he went away. but i also understand that he did what he needed to do the best way he knew how to do it and it was what he needed to do for him]

I don't want to go, I guess.  I am still hanging on to what we shared.  I must have felt differently about it.  I loved our illusion together.  It had to end.  I guess I was unhealthy for him.  Things happen as they need to, I trust the universe in that aspect.  But I don't want to wake up, and let him go.  I need get up, wake up, move on, go on, be gone.

San Diego and the fun

What to say? I had thoughts on many things, and they all seem to have left my mind. Sad. Connecting with family has been wonderful while here. This has been my reset and something that I've really been needing. Been needing a lot.

Sky Fits the Heaven - Fly It

I'm in a whimsical mood.  I don't know if it's the effects of the cocktail of pick-me-ups that I just swallowed, but I do feel like a kid again, at least not so gloomy.  I google-imaged "sky fits heaven" and here is what I got:

Obviously it's a Madonna song.  I have so many memories tied up in the 1998 Ray of Light period.  Wow, graduating high school.  I remember when I got the Ray of Light CD, I made my dad buy it for me when he was in Flagstaff that day it came out.  Small town, AZ didn't get CDs until about three months post-release.  And I would have died to wait that long for her new disc.  It pretty much defied that period of life... searching for something new, wanting to let the past go, "travel down my own road" so to speak.

 The weird ink-in-the-clouds is really cool.

The model, I dunno.  he looks good, like he fits that shirt really well.  <>








I felt judged at the pharmacy today.  The RPh seemed to side-eye my Rxs.  This was a learning experience for me, to learn to respect everyone individually - aren't they all fighting a hard battle?  I do judge, and will probably (more than likely) continue to do so.  But I felt the judged side of that.  And a walk around the tienda helped me to process my abhorence, dismay, embarrasment of being on that other side of the lens.  People gonna judge.  I can only let them.  True to myself, I have nothing to prove to them.  I'm comfortable with who I am... or at least trying and learning each day about it.

I made a mix-disc to send to my in-my-head-husband.  I would still marry him.  He has a wonderful man in his life and they are happy and they are beautiful.  But we have a weird snail mail relationship.  And it works.  I just add him to my menagerie of men with whom I feel a deep, one-sided connection.  ;)
The songs are:
How Do You Do, Lens, American Pie-JB's Mix, A Wake, Villains, Dear Prudence, For Me This Is Heaven, Take Me To The River, Overrated, Joining You, Run, Los Amantes Del Circulo Polar, Moon River, Sky Fits Heaven [Sasha], Come & Get It.

Most of these songs have a place in my life, they mean something to me.  Be it lyrics, the mood the music sets, I feel like these songs all point out personal pieces of myself.  They helped me learn about myself.

That's my theory on people in our lives - people enter and you learn something about yoruself through them, and sometimes you keep on learning and they remain, sometimes they only need to be there for a few minutes, seconds, etc.  That is how I see, in a nutshell, our interpersonal relationships.

I tried so hard for so long

I like new beginnings.  Ever since I was a new teenager, in church, the girls would go from a primary class into a young women's class (for 12-17yo) and they had an event that heralded their progression called New Beginnings.  I wanted to participate in that.  Not that I wanted to put on my beautiful frock, but that I love a good presage.
Ever since I think I have at least three or four each day.  Welcome to today's New Beginnings.  Bienvenidos mis amigos.

I've been an emotional wreck for the past few weeks.  Demons have come to visit from their dark spaces where I had to allocate for them to live.  They aren't dire, but there nonetheless.
"Little (boy) you've got to forget the past and learn to forgive..." - Madonna
So I try really hard to carry forward, though my pastime of choice is to bemoan the past and keep my eyes looking over my shoulder.  I regret many things.  And I spend my present regretting the past.  As a Madonna fan, one would think I'd try to study to learn to get over the regret.  One would think.

Last night I watched the first half of Mulligans.  It was a bit difficult to suspend my disbelief, and I feel kind of weird when a dad and his son's best friend develop a relationship.  Though there was not much time spent on it being developed.  It was pretty transparent.  But I've only watched the first half.  I may get onto the 2nd half tonight, or not.  I don't know.  But the cast is beautiful:

Dan Payne - 6'4"/230lbs










Charlie David - 5'10"/175lbs










And now that I'm distracted, here is my current fascination: Henry Cavill

And so I said

Fuggit.  I'm consolidating my student loans and I'm consolidating my thoughts into just this blog again.  These expectations I've built for myself through your eyes.  "Deal with it." - Madonna

Damn gym guys aren't putting the free weights back in their proper place.  Couldn't they just be socially courteous for a few minutes each day and help out?  This area of the city seems like everyone is out to procure their own survival that a feeling of community is dead.  But I guess that happens in big cities.  But sheesh, it still makes me upset.