I don’t know if you remember me. We met a long time ago. We talked under the stars for awhile on a clear night. The breeze was cool from the ocean as we discovered small pieces of each other. Never had I found someone who shared my thoughts and ambitions as you did. That night we made a pact. We promised the passing of five summers and then the return to our spot on the beach under the stars. You left a mark on my soul. I wrote with you in the corner of my mind. I dreamed with your image bolstering me forward. I loved as I felt you would love. I refined my soul, I sharpened my life. I had so much to tell you.
I don’t know if you remember me, but we met a long time ago.
Funny how people have a way of retuning to our lives after we thought they were gone for good. I have always felt that everyone carries a portion of me that I need to learn from them. That is why I’m always looking to meet people. I see them as small universes that I can learn from. Some people hold small amounts, and our relationship is only meant to last a few minutes. While others posses enough to keep me around for years. I wonder why it is that some people fascinate me. What is it about their words that astound me? What is it in their mannerism that compels me? What is it about their face that makes me want to gaze forever? Why do some people capture my heart while others I pass by unaffected? What is it in the cosmos that brings certain people into my life?
In the Mormon religion we believe that we all existed before we were born, in spirit form. We had our same personalities and such characteristics, and our spirits may have resembled our physical bodies. We lived in the Pre-existence, or a place where we all were waiting for our chance to come to earth. There we had acquaintances and a circle of friends much similar to our social habits here on earth. Sometimes I wonder if the reason why I immediately feel as if I know someone after just a few words exchanged is because I may have known them before birth. Who did I know? Are any of my friends now those with whom I shared a pre-earth friendship? Will I return to that state of memory after I have completed this life, and know them again? I like to think so. I like to think that we’ll share stories of our earth lives. And maybe find a time when we met each other on earth. What if while in heaven before earth, we promised to do all we could to meet up on earth? I know that through my experiences I have met many wonderful people; who I will always carry in my heart. And then there are those that I met here on earth. That’s why I try and be as nice to people as possible. I don’t know who I’m going to meet up with after death and feel ashamed for treating them badly. Of course I keep all this in accordance with how in normal life we function. But a little kindness never hurt anyone.
Saturday, October 30, 2004
aquel abrazo en el mar
I arrive late. The sun is just setting behind the trees and buildings. I look at my watch, it smiles back at me. I look at the street as I enter the building. I catch a glimpse of you, and slow motion inside. You walking down my street. Alone. I put water on to warm for tea. My thoughts race to the corner of my mind where I left you 19 months before. The plants need to be watered. I thought I had forgotten about you. I check the messages and sort through the mail.
I fall into the memories of you.
Do you remember the night it was 95 degrees and we went the café and ate muffins and drank hot chocolate? Do you still remember the night we watched all the movies of that trilogy?
Steam billows from the water. I shake the reflection from my moist eyes. Do I want peppermint or chamomile? I tuck the brainwork away again, back to the recesses of my consciousness. So much life has passed since you. I am a different person. But we had fun. It was good.
I fall into the memories of you.
Do you remember the night it was 95 degrees and we went the café and ate muffins and drank hot chocolate? Do you still remember the night we watched all the movies of that trilogy?
Steam billows from the water. I shake the reflection from my moist eyes. Do I want peppermint or chamomile? I tuck the brainwork away again, back to the recesses of my consciousness. So much life has passed since you. I am a different person. But we had fun. It was good.
late night musings
I still haven't learned to live with out love. I haven't learned to live with out hope.
I seal my dreams in plastic bags and send them to the sea. On my palette I try not to mix the colors. Sometimes I forget to observe the months of April and June. At times I laugh with out cracking a smile. Look at me, and then look at you. Tell me what you see. Do we go together like A and B? Look into my eyes, tired from crying. They want to rest. Give me a hug, and a kiss on the cheek. Our hearts are strangers once again. Neither you nor I fit in this love together.
I seal my dreams in plastic bags and send them to the sea. On my palette I try not to mix the colors. Sometimes I forget to observe the months of April and June. At times I laugh with out cracking a smile. Look at me, and then look at you. Tell me what you see. Do we go together like A and B? Look into my eyes, tired from crying. They want to rest. Give me a hug, and a kiss on the cheek. Our hearts are strangers once again. Neither you nor I fit in this love together.
Friday, October 29, 2004
Really Bored at Work
If I were a stone, I would be: an emerald
If I were a tree, I would be: a pine tree
If I were a bird, I would be: a lark
If I were a machine, I would be: an electron microscope
If I were a tool, I would be: pliers
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: an apple tree
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: partly cloudy
If I were a mythical creature, I would be: a unicorn (do we not love The Last Unicorn)
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: a triangle
If I were an animal, I would be: a giraffe
If I were a color, I would be: blue
If I were an emotion, I would be: concern
If I were a vegetable, I would be: potato
If I were a sound, I would be: a soft sigh
If I were an Element, I would be: carbon 13
If I were a car, I would be: Dodge Durango
If I were a song, I would be: “Has to Be” by Madonna
If I were to trade places with another person, it would be: Guy Ritchie
If I were a movie, I would be: My Fair Lady
If I were a food, I would be: Stir Fry
If I were a place, I would be: Bristol, England
If I were a material, I would be: Canvas
If I were a taste, I would be: minty fresh
If I were a religion, I would be: LDS
If I were a word, I would be: search
If I were an object, I would be: scrub brush
If I were a body part I would be: a cheek bone
If I were a facial expression I would be: mildly amused
If I were a subject in school I would be: Art History
If I were a cartoon character I would be: Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes
If I were a shape I would be a: polygon
If I were a number I would be: 37
If I were a month I would be: October
If I were a day of the week I would be: Thursday
If I were a time of day I would be: 10:23pm
If I were a direction I would be: west
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: a writing desk
If I were a sin I would be: envy
If I were a historical figure I would be: Joan of Arc
If I were a liquid I would be: mercury
If I were a tree, I would be: a pine tree
If I were a bird, I would be: a lark
If I were a machine, I would be: an electron microscope
If I were a tool, I would be: pliers
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: an apple tree
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: partly cloudy
If I were a mythical creature, I would be: a unicorn (do we not love The Last Unicorn)
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: a triangle
If I were an animal, I would be: a giraffe
If I were a color, I would be: blue
If I were an emotion, I would be: concern
If I were a vegetable, I would be: potato
If I were a sound, I would be: a soft sigh
If I were an Element, I would be: carbon 13
If I were a car, I would be: Dodge Durango
If I were a song, I would be: “Has to Be” by Madonna
If I were to trade places with another person, it would be: Guy Ritchie
If I were a movie, I would be: My Fair Lady
If I were a food, I would be: Stir Fry
If I were a place, I would be: Bristol, England
If I were a material, I would be: Canvas
If I were a taste, I would be: minty fresh
If I were a religion, I would be: LDS
If I were a word, I would be: search
If I were an object, I would be: scrub brush
If I were a body part I would be: a cheek bone
If I were a facial expression I would be: mildly amused
If I were a subject in school I would be: Art History
If I were a cartoon character I would be: Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes
If I were a shape I would be a: polygon
If I were a number I would be: 37
If I were a month I would be: October
If I were a day of the week I would be: Thursday
If I were a time of day I would be: 10:23pm
If I were a direction I would be: west
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: a writing desk
If I were a sin I would be: envy
If I were a historical figure I would be: Joan of Arc
If I were a liquid I would be: mercury
Reason Number 8,876
"Madonna has a reputation for being tricksy but this evening she is in her element, working the room and urging her American friends to vote for John Kerry (“If you vote for Bush you’re not becoming like God”)."
I truly love this woman.
I truly love this woman.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Carbon Copy
I have come to the conclusion that while I think that A&F models are cute, and all the other carbon copies, I prefer my men with some flaws. The imperfections are what I notice and are what draw me to them (and no matter what, depsite many flaws, given enough time, he always becomes just perfect in my eyes). And also, my flaws aren't quite as obvious.
some favorite things
The feeling of being tucked in is one of my favorites. With low, heavy clouds outside, and a warm blanket over me, life doesn’t seem to get much better. Drifting in and out of reality with the company of a good book. Warm peppermint tea diffusing its scent. Some thunder now and then outside. A hug from my grandma. Remixes of my favorite songs. The kitchen freshly cleaned and a vacuumed carpet. Packing for a road trip. Cello solos. Temple Square at Christmas time. A pick-up basketball game. Anticipating a first kiss. Indian fry bread. Non-judgmental people. Going on vacation and leaving my watch behind. Putting my favorite song on repeat. Caterpillar rolls. Los que piensan hablar español. Just saying sorry without giving an excuse. Dreaming big.
butterfly = mariposa
I took my power in my hand
And went against the world;
'Twas not so much as David had,
But I was twice as bold.
I aimed my pebble, but myself
Was all the one that fell.
Was it Goliath was too large,
Or only I too small?
-Emily Dickinson
little boy, don't run away so fast. you may have forgotten to kiss her goodbye. she might not be there next time you fall and scrape your knee. she has been there when you cried. she was there when you laughed.
little boy, try not to close your past too quickly. remember, it has made you who you are today. knowledge comes from experience, strength comes from experience.
Little Boy, remember the melody of your youth. Remember the warm wind through the trees. Remember the starry nights when he would talk to you for hours. Remember he did the best he knew how.
Little Boy, try not to grow up too fast. Every detail. Every impression. Every change. Every certainty. Every approximation. Every scene.
And went against the world;
'Twas not so much as David had,
But I was twice as bold.
I aimed my pebble, but myself
Was all the one that fell.
Was it Goliath was too large,
Or only I too small?
-Emily Dickinson
little boy, don't run away so fast. you may have forgotten to kiss her goodbye. she might not be there next time you fall and scrape your knee. she has been there when you cried. she was there when you laughed.
little boy, try not to close your past too quickly. remember, it has made you who you are today. knowledge comes from experience, strength comes from experience.
Little Boy, remember the melody of your youth. Remember the warm wind through the trees. Remember the starry nights when he would talk to you for hours. Remember he did the best he knew how.
Little Boy, try not to grow up too fast. Every detail. Every impression. Every change. Every certainty. Every approximation. Every scene.
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
do you see me now?
All alone I find myself now. All alone I wake up. All alone I grocery shop. All alone I read. All alone I clean the house. All alone I fix dinner. All alone I do laundry. All alone I watch TV. All alone I watch the sun set. All alone I buy new shoes. All alone I take the car in for an oil change. All alone I listen to music. All alone I turn out the lights. I couldn't be happier.
get out
I was afraid of you leaving. I was afraid of you getting mad. I was afraid of you not speaking to me. I was afraid of the cutting remarks. I was afraid of the criticism. I was afraid of you ignoring me. I was afraid of you turning me out on my own. I was afraid of you taking all I had away from me. I was afraid of you. I was afraid to love you too much. Therein laid the problem.
Close to You
Hoy todavía me encuentra con la gripe. Ya me cansé de estar así. Siempre estoy limpiando mi nariz. Pienso que requiero como tres días de dormir, y tal vez podré funcionar como una persona normal. Pues entonces esperaré que venga la buena salud.
Como hablo español y algunas personas no hablan, escribo esto en español. Y espero que aquella persona no sepa leer ni consiga a alguien para traducir lo que escribo. Pues como yo empecé este párrafo parece que algo muy interesante o tal vez importante va a acontecer. Quizá un secreto voy a expulsar. No, nada así. Tal vez será aburrido a algunos. Pero estábamos hablando y él me dijo que tal vez yo podré visitar le a él o él vendrá por acá para visitar.
Los nervios me hicieran estremecer. ¿Por cual razón? Todavía pienso en él mucho. Quiero ser perfecto para él cuando venga. Mi cuerpo requiere mucho afán. Tendré que afanarme y no podré dormir tanto como antes.
Pero al mismo vez, ¿como puedo sentir sentimientos así por alguien que no conozco bien? Que ridículo.
Pero él ya esta abajo mi piel. No sé que hacer. Solamente tiempo me va a aliviar.
“On the day that you were born, the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true.”
Pues de esto, pienso que es una fascinación y nada más. Nada va a pasar con esto, pero al mismo tiempo, no sé lo que pueda pasar. Pero en este momento, pensaré que, en alguna manera, vamos a estar juntos. Que bonito pensar así.
Una fantasía:
Te veo. Me acerco a ti. Me estabas esperando en una mesa. Nos sentamos muy cerca, sin importarnos de los otos en el restaurante. No existen, sino tu y yo. En voces suaves, hablamos del día. De los acontecimientos de nuestras vidas. Hablamos como el mundo realmente esta a nuestros pies, reímos, sonreímos. Toco tu mano, siento tu piel en mi piel. Me pareces muy bello. Puedo oler tu olor, tan suave y hermoso. Besas mis oídos suavemente. Solo pienso en ti. En este momento eres de mi, y yo soy de ti.
Como hablo español y algunas personas no hablan, escribo esto en español. Y espero que aquella persona no sepa leer ni consiga a alguien para traducir lo que escribo. Pues como yo empecé este párrafo parece que algo muy interesante o tal vez importante va a acontecer. Quizá un secreto voy a expulsar. No, nada así. Tal vez será aburrido a algunos. Pero estábamos hablando y él me dijo que tal vez yo podré visitar le a él o él vendrá por acá para visitar.
Los nervios me hicieran estremecer. ¿Por cual razón? Todavía pienso en él mucho. Quiero ser perfecto para él cuando venga. Mi cuerpo requiere mucho afán. Tendré que afanarme y no podré dormir tanto como antes.
Pero al mismo vez, ¿como puedo sentir sentimientos así por alguien que no conozco bien? Que ridículo.
Pero él ya esta abajo mi piel. No sé que hacer. Solamente tiempo me va a aliviar.
“On the day that you were born, the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true.”
Pues de esto, pienso que es una fascinación y nada más. Nada va a pasar con esto, pero al mismo tiempo, no sé lo que pueda pasar. Pero en este momento, pensaré que, en alguna manera, vamos a estar juntos. Que bonito pensar así.
Una fantasía:
Te veo. Me acerco a ti. Me estabas esperando en una mesa. Nos sentamos muy cerca, sin importarnos de los otos en el restaurante. No existen, sino tu y yo. En voces suaves, hablamos del día. De los acontecimientos de nuestras vidas. Hablamos como el mundo realmente esta a nuestros pies, reímos, sonreímos. Toco tu mano, siento tu piel en mi piel. Me pareces muy bello. Puedo oler tu olor, tan suave y hermoso. Besas mis oídos suavemente. Solo pienso en ti. En este momento eres de mi, y yo soy de ti.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Peppermint, Chamomile, or a Rose?
Solitude can be a beautiful thing. Some of the best fruitions come from solitary meditation. Just remember that solitude may not seem so attractive in 3 months or 3 years. Possibly it is easier; especially after the soul has finally recovered from a razor cut so deep that years were needed to heal. Only a fool would return to a source of pain.
Are you waiting for someone to wake up the long dormant feeling of complete and utter devotion? Do you paint your face when you leave with someone, hiding behind a guise? Am I it or could you get more? Eyes always diverting, looking for someone better, not content to work at a relationship or develop what love could be. When will I be content? When will you love again?
Hello. Are you the one who will take my place? You don’t cry. You don’t laugh. You don’t feel. You are the lie living for me so I can hide. Too bitter. Too cold. Too real. Don’t say I’m out of touch, I’ve already built my own escape. I never would have picked you for what you have become.
If you have to leave, I wish you would just leave. But tell me before you leave, tell me before you’re gone, how do you expect me to live up to all you’ve left behind?
Are you waiting for someone to wake up the long dormant feeling of complete and utter devotion? Do you paint your face when you leave with someone, hiding behind a guise? Am I it or could you get more? Eyes always diverting, looking for someone better, not content to work at a relationship or develop what love could be. When will I be content? When will you love again?
Hello. Are you the one who will take my place? You don’t cry. You don’t laugh. You don’t feel. You are the lie living for me so I can hide. Too bitter. Too cold. Too real. Don’t say I’m out of touch, I’ve already built my own escape. I never would have picked you for what you have become.
If you have to leave, I wish you would just leave. But tell me before you leave, tell me before you’re gone, how do you expect me to live up to all you’ve left behind?
Monday, October 25, 2004
uninspired but content
Last night I saw La Oreja de Van Gogh. It was amazing. It was a one time treat to see them out of their homeland Spain. One of those instances that is best remembered in the mind's eye. Too many words needed to convey how great that experience was for me.
When I accepted the terms to being gay, I don't remember signing anything that said I would be best friends with someone based soley on the fact that we are gay. Some people at work need to back off.
I am finally getting over this cold/sinus junk. Yea!
I'm thinking that I would like to get out of AZ for a short time. Like a weekend trip. Let's explore this...
#1) San Diego is my first choice, but I'll be going there in December. I don't want to wear thin the welcome (Course I couldn't ever do that, they would love to have me every weekend if possible, at least I like to think so... ;)
#2) Los Angeles would be a nice place to visit, but I don't know anyone there to visit. Well, I do, but he now has a bf and even though we have only ever been friends, he made it rather clear that he now has a bf. Some might relate and know that that means adios a la amistad. Whatever is my reply to him. I take that as a sign of insecurity...
#3) Las Vegas is also viable, but I don't know anyone there and Madonna won't be there to make it bearable. I'm not a fan of Vegas. But yes, I am going to give it two more tries before I dust my feet of it forever.
#4) Albuquerque, there is no need to write any further. I have been there before for a basket ball camp in high school. No need to return.
#5) Salt Lake City would be a place I would love to go visit. But I would want to go because I hear the scene up there is great.. but the major drawback is that I have family up there, and they would want me to visit. No, I could make it work, but that is a definite flight, and the funds are running low these days...
So in the end I will just content myself and stay here in the valley of the sun, and maybe go to Scottsdale to get away... hmmm I hear there are some incredible spas downhere, maybe I should treat myself to a pedicure... I'm sure they finance... hehe.
The last hour of work is always the longest. My eyes want to close and I want to drift away. And why are the coworkers staying late?
Supercoiling of DNA has me baffled. And then when I went to the library to try and study, a super hot guy was talking to these girls about advanced biochem stuff and all I could do was think about a way to get him to tutor me, and then fall in love with me, and then... (wink).
Tengo mucho que hacer cuando regreso a mi casa. Pienso que voy a comer algo muy rapido y despues irme al gimnasio por un ratito, y entonces regresare a mi casa para estudiar y limpiar un poco. Me parece muy bien.
When I accepted the terms to being gay, I don't remember signing anything that said I would be best friends with someone based soley on the fact that we are gay. Some people at work need to back off.
I am finally getting over this cold/sinus junk. Yea!
I'm thinking that I would like to get out of AZ for a short time. Like a weekend trip. Let's explore this...
#1) San Diego is my first choice, but I'll be going there in December. I don't want to wear thin the welcome (Course I couldn't ever do that, they would love to have me every weekend if possible, at least I like to think so... ;)
#2) Los Angeles would be a nice place to visit, but I don't know anyone there to visit. Well, I do, but he now has a bf and even though we have only ever been friends, he made it rather clear that he now has a bf. Some might relate and know that that means adios a la amistad. Whatever is my reply to him. I take that as a sign of insecurity...
#3) Las Vegas is also viable, but I don't know anyone there and Madonna won't be there to make it bearable. I'm not a fan of Vegas. But yes, I am going to give it two more tries before I dust my feet of it forever.
#4) Albuquerque, there is no need to write any further. I have been there before for a basket ball camp in high school. No need to return.
#5) Salt Lake City would be a place I would love to go visit. But I would want to go because I hear the scene up there is great.. but the major drawback is that I have family up there, and they would want me to visit. No, I could make it work, but that is a definite flight, and the funds are running low these days...
So in the end I will just content myself and stay here in the valley of the sun, and maybe go to Scottsdale to get away... hmmm I hear there are some incredible spas downhere, maybe I should treat myself to a pedicure... I'm sure they finance... hehe.
The last hour of work is always the longest. My eyes want to close and I want to drift away. And why are the coworkers staying late?
Supercoiling of DNA has me baffled. And then when I went to the library to try and study, a super hot guy was talking to these girls about advanced biochem stuff and all I could do was think about a way to get him to tutor me, and then fall in love with me, and then... (wink).
Tengo mucho que hacer cuando regreso a mi casa. Pienso que voy a comer algo muy rapido y despues irme al gimnasio por un ratito, y entonces regresare a mi casa para estudiar y limpiar un poco. Me parece muy bien.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
I Am A (gay) Child Of God
Last night I couldn't sleep. Every time I would close my eyes, I felt as if time was nothing but grains of sand slipping through my fingers at a rapid pace. And my open eyes would cease the velocity of the grains. What clichéd imagery. But it didn't calm my panicked mind. Did I do all that I could? Did I set a few wrongs right? Did I offend someone that I need to apologize to? When was the last time I told my mother I loved her? When was the last time I felt love for someone?
Sometimes I feel like this notion of being gay is just a game. And sooner or later I'm going to wake up and live the "normal" life I, as a child, thought I would. Am I really happy living this way? What is happiness? How will I know I'm happy if I never know I'm unhappy? What is real joy?
I have the Mormon answer. I don't ever wish to not have grown up Mormon. Contrary to what others may believe or think, I feel as if that gave me an edge that others may not have, or not know how to utilize. I think it's there, I think it's there in everyone. A divinity. A portion of heaven that everyone carries in their soul. And everyone has access to it. It's just a question of faith.
I remember being a missionary. I knew then. Why? One might ask, if I knew it was right then, is it still not right now? Is it still true? I think so. I like to believe so now.
I don't believe in a hell. I believe that God loves us too much. I don't believe that all the non-Christians are going to hell. How can they be held responsible for something they never knew they needed to know? I believe God's plan of salvation is much more infinite than any person here on earth can comprehend.
Where does homosexuality fit into all of this? I don't know. I don't have an answer for that nor do I readily accept any of the answers out there. I want to find one that I feel I can live with for the rest of eternity. And I am still searching.
Friday, October 22, 2004
At My Most Beautiful
Despite the fact that my sinus issues developed into a full blown cold, my spirits remain high. I went to class this morning but while sitting in lecture I got somewhat dizzy. That was when I decided to give up the superhero act and just be sick for the day. I called mom to get the recipie for the concoction of grapefruit for when one is sick, and then proceeded to watch Buffy season 3. I'm not a huge Buffy fan, so after 1.5 episodes, I had to turn it off. And I'm really not one to watch TV or movies for that matter. I feel there is something better to do with my time, and for now that is sleep. I slept 11 hours last night, so I'm waiting for the Nyquil to kick in to take a nap now. I'm just not tired. So in the meantime, I'm going to let off random thoughts that have been going through my mind for some time now:
1) I think I like c. I'm not a phone talker but we can carry on for quite some time. We always have fun together. And he's sweet. But I haven't given up on my uncanny ability to talk myself out of any possible relationship.
2) I am not a morning person. I have tried and tried to be so, but it is all futile efforts.
3) How do the molecules in our bodies know to do what they do?
4) okay, nyquil kicked in.
Note: The grapefruit concoction tastes just as bad as I remember.
1) I think I like c. I'm not a phone talker but we can carry on for quite some time. We always have fun together. And he's sweet. But I haven't given up on my uncanny ability to talk myself out of any possible relationship.
2) I am not a morning person. I have tried and tried to be so, but it is all futile efforts.
3) How do the molecules in our bodies know to do what they do?
4) okay, nyquil kicked in.
Note: The grapefruit concoction tastes just as bad as I remember.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Bruta, Ciega, Sordomuda
In celebration that all my midterms were officially over, I decided to take the 1/2 hour that I usually study in to stalk an Adonis. But my scheme was thwarted as he evaded me within the first 30 seconds (there is also the fact he had a 50yd head start, and it was in between classes so lots of traffic on the sidewalk (who lets those damn vehicles on the sidewalks on campus anyway? Especially between classes!)) So I decided to instead perpetuate this blog of mine.
My sinuses are acting up. I hate it when that happens.
I have a date tonight. I hope all goes well.
I want the weekend to come now. I mean now!
How much of the world do we really see around us? I have been in this particular study room several times now, and have just cogitated the dimensions of the room. It is much larger than I assumed previously.
The girl next to me keeps discretely shooting disapproving looks at me. I can't help it if my keyboard rivals that of some percussion instruments. Okay she finally vacated... and went to the other end of the room.
My sinuses are acting up. I hate it when that happens.
I have a date tonight. I hope all goes well.
I want the weekend to come now. I mean now!
How much of the world do we really see around us? I have been in this particular study room several times now, and have just cogitated the dimensions of the room. It is much larger than I assumed previously.
The girl next to me keeps discretely shooting disapproving looks at me. I can't help it if my keyboard rivals that of some percussion instruments. Okay she finally vacated... and went to the other end of the room.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Art
I just noticed today that the toothbrush I bought yesterday is pink. I'm not a huge pink fan, but I guess a toothbrush is a toothbrush is a toothbrush.
I also was messing around with my scanner for the first time. I'm not sure but I think part of the agreement of this site was to never place questionable images on line. So this is as brave as I'm going to get. And really there are plenty of other sites if one really needs to see more. But this is art. And I think I like Madonna. A lot.
It's Time
My whole life I have had this image of perfection that I needed to attain. And when I would constantly fall below that, I would try again. But after "failing" or not being perfect in something, I would just give up. I would rather go into something unprepared or half-assed rather than try again and fail. It was easier mentally to just give up and fail rather than try and fail. Mind you anything below perfection was failure. I think I'm over that now. I just want to do what I can do, and start being happy with it. A good week doesn't entail running and lifting daily, studying 2 hours daily, and the weekends 8 hours. It doesn't mean that I have money to go buy a new shirt.
I think a good week should mean that I did what I could. I wasn't lazy and wasn't a super hero, but was realistic in my goals and my life. I'm not going to have the 6-pack and pecs that I dream about in three weeks. I'm not going to understand everything about a class by just sitting through the lecture and thinking I should study more.
This transition will take time because I essentially have to give up an old form of thinking and adopt a new form. That will be tough because how easy will it be to slip back into old habits. But I know that I am capable of so much more. I just need to free myself from this incarceration I have built for myself, get over trying to be perfect, and just live life. I may look like a failure in the eyes of everyone else, including my mother, but that is something with time I won't worry about anymore. I think I'm ready. It's time.
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, WOW-- What a Ride"
I think a good week should mean that I did what I could. I wasn't lazy and wasn't a super hero, but was realistic in my goals and my life. I'm not going to have the 6-pack and pecs that I dream about in three weeks. I'm not going to understand everything about a class by just sitting through the lecture and thinking I should study more.
This transition will take time because I essentially have to give up an old form of thinking and adopt a new form. That will be tough because how easy will it be to slip back into old habits. But I know that I am capable of so much more. I just need to free myself from this incarceration I have built for myself, get over trying to be perfect, and just live life. I may look like a failure in the eyes of everyone else, including my mother, but that is something with time I won't worry about anymore. I think I'm ready. It's time.
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, WOW-- What a Ride"
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Candy Perfume Boy
Sinking back into the realm of obscurity, I feel a certain freedom that previously was under restricted and carefully watched circumstances. Defeating the whole point of freedom.
I don't understand why you had come to me in the first place. But I see you're still the candy perfume boy I left behind. You still walk into every room like you're walking on to a yacht. Clouds in my Coffee. It was nice to see you, I still have your sweater. But don't come over to get it. I left you behind. I'm better without you. So take your sweater and leave. Why are you still here? I asked you to go. The end.
Is it possible to find someone new so soon after an end? And I wasn't even wanting anything. I don't want anything. I want to be alone. I want to be myself for a spell. I simply won't have any of this. Wait, don't go, hold on just a sec.
I never knew you were so interesting. I don't usually let anyone talk as long as you have. I think after talking to you, you just got better looking. And so my shallow side can be appeased. I know I shouldn't be one to worry about looks. But the words you used, the phrases you composed. I wanted to kiss those lips. But I resisted. I don't understand why I would feel this way. Ya estoy tan confundido.
Things could get really messy, fast. But I don't think I mind. And you seem to be game. Why not? Should I talk myself out of a possibility of happiness? But I don't want to think. I want to drive really fast, I want to go too far, I want to crash into you.
Arms stretched out wide, dancing under the street lights, drunk on wine. It feels so good to laugh and hold you, I knew that it would. Not letting a moment go by, without getting caught up in things I cannot see, the heat of passion. Hold me, I hold you. Stay with me a moment longer. I'll stay with you a moment longer.
I think I... like you... a lot... It's all too soon to be feeling this way. But I forget to reason as I fade into you.
I don't understand why you had come to me in the first place. But I see you're still the candy perfume boy I left behind. You still walk into every room like you're walking on to a yacht. Clouds in my Coffee. It was nice to see you, I still have your sweater. But don't come over to get it. I left you behind. I'm better without you. So take your sweater and leave. Why are you still here? I asked you to go. The end.
Is it possible to find someone new so soon after an end? And I wasn't even wanting anything. I don't want anything. I want to be alone. I want to be myself for a spell. I simply won't have any of this. Wait, don't go, hold on just a sec.
I never knew you were so interesting. I don't usually let anyone talk as long as you have. I think after talking to you, you just got better looking. And so my shallow side can be appeased. I know I shouldn't be one to worry about looks. But the words you used, the phrases you composed. I wanted to kiss those lips. But I resisted. I don't understand why I would feel this way. Ya estoy tan confundido.
Things could get really messy, fast. But I don't think I mind. And you seem to be game. Why not? Should I talk myself out of a possibility of happiness? But I don't want to think. I want to drive really fast, I want to go too far, I want to crash into you.
Arms stretched out wide, dancing under the street lights, drunk on wine. It feels so good to laugh and hold you, I knew that it would. Not letting a moment go by, without getting caught up in things I cannot see, the heat of passion. Hold me, I hold you. Stay with me a moment longer. I'll stay with you a moment longer.
I think I... like you... a lot... It's all too soon to be feeling this way. But I forget to reason as I fade into you.
I Need Missiles
No, I'm not a terrorist. All I would like to do is rid the streets of Phoenix of wretched drivers. (And is it just me, or do these days almost reminisce to the days of the Red Scare and the Salem Witch Trials?) The missiles would be attached to my car and I would deploy them much as a pilot does, but they would be strong enough only to cause minor damage to the car so that it would have to pull to the side of the road, and get out of the flow of traffic. So that those of us who do understand the game of driving can continue to compete for the best spot on the road.
The weather is incredible here in the Valley of the Sun. Now is the time to visit. To finally drive with your windows down and leave the windows in your house open. When you can comfortably wear shorts or pants during the day, and same for flip-flops vs shoes. And at night it is brisk enough that pants are desired more than shorts, but shorts can be done. Ah, I love this time of year.
I don't know where to begin. In my 20-odd years. I have been silent most of the time. I have been observing, and still I feel like I don't know much. I thought going to school would teach me, it did. But only in certain areas. I walk sometimes confused, sometimes ready to crack open wide, sometimes indignant, sometimes confidant. I'm always searching for more. I'm struggling to learn to enjoy what I have and not always be on the lookout for what is better. Sometimes I understand why some people want to relocate to a cabin in the mountains. I could deal with an apartment in Madrid.
Monday, October 18, 2004
That voice in the back of my head
All day I have been resisting the urge to break down and express myself in the middle of class or at work. How fun would that be!?! Of course I would then get attention and everybody would look at me. I couldn't deal with that. I like to be the center of attenetion in small groups, no greater than four. Anything larger and I freak.
And one more thing, that back stabbing son of a bitch.
And one more thing, that back stabbing son of a bitch.
bad girl, drunk by six, kissing some kind strangers lips
That age old lesson of time management is something that I seem to need to learn over and over. My test in biochemistry went so-so. I have a test in cell biology on Thursday. Will I study? I have to.
My roommate and I got into a discussion about religion and homosexuality. I don't think that one is born gay. I think that there are certain biological and psychological factors that affect an individual, but I don't think one is born that way.
He says that it is nature's way of population control. That seemed to make sense to me, or I liked that theory. I don't know that I readily accept it, considering that I believe the human race to a certain degree can charter it's own course, and isn't subject to certain observations prevalent in other species' growth curves. But then who am I?
I have resolved to realize certain goals that I have set for myself in order to become better. I think that they are a way I can attain happiness. Sometimes I wonder if anyone is truly happy. I'm sure they're out there, and I want to be one of them. Or at least content with my life and situation. I'm finally beginning to feel the strain of the years of school. I should be graduated by now, but I was seduced by knowledge and took too many classes that seemed interesting rather than head toward my goal of graduation. In light of this, I'm thinking of applying to a pharmacy school and attending regardless that I haven't finished my undergrad.
Life is still a mystery.
My roommate and I got into a discussion about religion and homosexuality. I don't think that one is born gay. I think that there are certain biological and psychological factors that affect an individual, but I don't think one is born that way.
He says that it is nature's way of population control. That seemed to make sense to me, or I liked that theory. I don't know that I readily accept it, considering that I believe the human race to a certain degree can charter it's own course, and isn't subject to certain observations prevalent in other species' growth curves. But then who am I?
I have resolved to realize certain goals that I have set for myself in order to become better. I think that they are a way I can attain happiness. Sometimes I wonder if anyone is truly happy. I'm sure they're out there, and I want to be one of them. Or at least content with my life and situation. I'm finally beginning to feel the strain of the years of school. I should be graduated by now, but I was seduced by knowledge and took too many classes that seemed interesting rather than head toward my goal of graduation. In light of this, I'm thinking of applying to a pharmacy school and attending regardless that I haven't finished my undergrad.
Life is still a mystery.
Sunday, October 17, 2004
Nothing Left to Lose
“I’m busy” he said.
“I know” I replied. I chanced a brief look into his eyes but retreated at his chin. We walked further down the sidewalk, towards his car.
He slowed pace and soon we came to a stop. “It’s just that…” He trailed off.
“Now would be an appropriate time for that song ‘Don’t Speak.’” He looked at me, I mustered a half smile. “So you know where I’m going then.”
“I may be perceived to be naïve, but I usually know what’s going on.” He looked at the ground. “But we still need to hang out once in awhile.”
“Of course” I replied incredulously.
A brief hug ensued. “Take care” I said.
The spell had been broken. I guess you could say I was set free. I had to learn a lesson from him, and I think I did. Pain is a warning that something is wrong. I couldn’t live in that limbo. There was nothing more to lose, no more heart to bruise. Sometimes goodbye is best. But it doesn’t make it any easier.
“I know” I replied. I chanced a brief look into his eyes but retreated at his chin. We walked further down the sidewalk, towards his car.
He slowed pace and soon we came to a stop. “It’s just that…” He trailed off.
“Now would be an appropriate time for that song ‘Don’t Speak.’” He looked at me, I mustered a half smile. “So you know where I’m going then.”
“I may be perceived to be naïve, but I usually know what’s going on.” He looked at the ground. “But we still need to hang out once in awhile.”
“Of course” I replied incredulously.
A brief hug ensued. “Take care” I said.
The spell had been broken. I guess you could say I was set free. I had to learn a lesson from him, and I think I did. Pain is a warning that something is wrong. I couldn’t live in that limbo. There was nothing more to lose, no more heart to bruise. Sometimes goodbye is best. But it doesn’t make it any easier.
Touchy Subject
So I have some really good friends that are HIV+. I try and be supportive in the best way I know how, and honestly don’t really think about it much. I don’t believe that is something that should hinder a relationship of any sort. Sometimes I get really frustrated that some seem to allow the disease to take over their life and essentially give up. To one I got so upset I commented that it seems he was already dead. I know this wasn’t the best thing to say, and I don’t have it so I don’t know what it is to go through it, so I try and keep quiet and be a good friend.
But last night a guy I have been seeing for a short time told me that he was +. It was one of those things I never really thought would happen to me. He told me he understood if I wanted him to leave and never see him again. But that was out of the question. We’re not serious by any means, but we could be. That is how well we’ve been getting along. I am dating others too; I’m not at a point of committing to anyone. But despite how open minded I try and remain, what he told me will bear a strong weight in my mind. Am I evil or bad for thinking like that? This is new to me. I need some time to deliberate.
But last night a guy I have been seeing for a short time told me that he was +. It was one of those things I never really thought would happen to me. He told me he understood if I wanted him to leave and never see him again. But that was out of the question. We’re not serious by any means, but we could be. That is how well we’ve been getting along. I am dating others too; I’m not at a point of committing to anyone. But despite how open minded I try and remain, what he told me will bear a strong weight in my mind. Am I evil or bad for thinking like that? This is new to me. I need some time to deliberate.
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Me Encantan
I just found out that La Oreja de Van Gogh will be in Phoenix on Oct 24th. They are my favorite band of all time, and I always thought I would have to go to Spain to see them. I first learned of them while living in Guatemala. And it's been a wonderful love affair ever since.
Friday, October 15, 2004
Good Stuff
I have had this album for quite some time now and finally realize that it has an untitled track at the end, and that quickly has become my favorite song, followed by Gwen's new song.
cierro la puerta
Weathered good looks. Lines that show the passing of time, the blows and kisses of life. But a smile undefeated. Eyes casting a depth to the beholder. A soul lurks internally. A soul full of light.
Entrancing my thoughts, impressing the fibers of my being. I feel I've know since the beginning of time but still learing something new.
Mi alma grita por tu ausencia. Donde estas? Por donde andas? No te puedo olvidar. Has dejado un rasgo en mi corazon. Quiero estar contigo siempre jamas. Dejare me vida para ti. Pero sabia que te perderia, desde el principio. Desde que te bese por la primera vez, sabia que te irias.
Ya sigo con pesadumbre dentro mi alma. Le digo todo a la luna, pero solo me mira. Me iluma la cara, ensenando el dolor a la noche. Por donde te has fugado amor? Pues nunca te tuve, ni por un momento. Cuidate amor.
Entrancing my thoughts, impressing the fibers of my being. I feel I've know since the beginning of time but still learing something new.
Mi alma grita por tu ausencia. Donde estas? Por donde andas? No te puedo olvidar. Has dejado un rasgo en mi corazon. Quiero estar contigo siempre jamas. Dejare me vida para ti. Pero sabia que te perderia, desde el principio. Desde que te bese por la primera vez, sabia que te irias.
Ya sigo con pesadumbre dentro mi alma. Le digo todo a la luna, pero solo me mira. Me iluma la cara, ensenando el dolor a la noche. Por donde te has fugado amor? Pues nunca te tuve, ni por un momento. Cuidate amor.
"I'm so Fucking Bored of Cowards"
“Te di mi corazón y tú lo regalaste,te di todo el amor que pude darte y me robaste.He rasgado mi vestido con una copa de vino,hoy tu amor corta como el cristal.”
Buena suerte en tu camino yo ya tengo mi destino,con mi sangre escribo este final.”
“I tried to be a boy, I tried to be a girl, I tried to be the best, I tried to be a mess, I guess I did it wrong… I tried to stay ahead, I tried to stay on top, I tried to play the part, but somehow I forgot, just what I did it for and why I wanted more… this type of modern life is not for me, this type of modern life is not for free.”
“I don’t trust you, cuz every time you’re here your intentions are unclear, I spend every hour waiting for a phone call that I know will never come, I used to think you were the one, now I’m sick of thinking anything at all.”
“I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend. I hope I hold a special place with them, and you know it makes me sick to be on that list, but I should have thought of that before we kissed.”
“All my life I’ve been waiting for you to bring a fairytale my way… But I wonder if you know how it really feels to be left outside alone, well it’s cold out here. Well maybe you should know, just how it feels to be left out side alone.”
“I wanna say thank you, cuz it makes me that much stronger, makes me work a little bit harder, makes me that much wiser, so thanks for making me a fighter. Made me run a little bit faster, makes my skin a little bit thicker, makes me that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter.”
“I’m not your bitch, don’t hang your shit on me.”
“All by myself, I don’t need anyone at all, I know I’ll survive, I know I’ll stay alive. All on my own, I don’t need anyone this time, it will be mine, no one can take it from me, you’ll see.”
Buena suerte en tu camino yo ya tengo mi destino,con mi sangre escribo este final.”
“I tried to be a boy, I tried to be a girl, I tried to be the best, I tried to be a mess, I guess I did it wrong… I tried to stay ahead, I tried to stay on top, I tried to play the part, but somehow I forgot, just what I did it for and why I wanted more… this type of modern life is not for me, this type of modern life is not for free.”
“I don’t trust you, cuz every time you’re here your intentions are unclear, I spend every hour waiting for a phone call that I know will never come, I used to think you were the one, now I’m sick of thinking anything at all.”
“I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend. I hope I hold a special place with them, and you know it makes me sick to be on that list, but I should have thought of that before we kissed.”
“All my life I’ve been waiting for you to bring a fairytale my way… But I wonder if you know how it really feels to be left outside alone, well it’s cold out here. Well maybe you should know, just how it feels to be left out side alone.”
“I wanna say thank you, cuz it makes me that much stronger, makes me work a little bit harder, makes me that much wiser, so thanks for making me a fighter. Made me run a little bit faster, makes my skin a little bit thicker, makes me that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter.”
“I’m not your bitch, don’t hang your shit on me.”
“All by myself, I don’t need anyone at all, I know I’ll survive, I know I’ll stay alive. All on my own, I don’t need anyone this time, it will be mine, no one can take it from me, you’ll see.”
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Maundering Reflection
My world began to tremble as the present neared the end.
I why did I feel like I had to win?
And what does that give me now?
I'm tired of inventing excuses that only lead to dead ends.
I would that only the good moments we shared survived.
Today I want to believe that you remember the winter evenings in the mountains.
The late nights we talked and never slept.
That time I found you sitting by my front door, counting on me that I would show up.
There was never really any ill will, just ingenuity.
We would muse over juice that the world was at our feet.
Sometimes before I drift to sleep I think of a world full of color where we live together.
I could never esteem you as less.
You stretched out your hand to me, but could only hold it there for so long.
Sometimes I just want to see you and see you, if just to see you.
You always believed you could count on me.
I why did I feel like I had to win?
And what does that give me now?
I'm tired of inventing excuses that only lead to dead ends.
I would that only the good moments we shared survived.
Today I want to believe that you remember the winter evenings in the mountains.
The late nights we talked and never slept.
That time I found you sitting by my front door, counting on me that I would show up.
There was never really any ill will, just ingenuity.
We would muse over juice that the world was at our feet.
Sometimes before I drift to sleep I think of a world full of color where we live together.
I could never esteem you as less.
You stretched out your hand to me, but could only hold it there for so long.
Sometimes I just want to see you and see you, if just to see you.
You always believed you could count on me.
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Dear Madonna,
You are so sexy. If I had the energy and the druthers, I'd totally go as you for Halloween. That was actually the idea about six months ago. But alas, my gym attendance left much to be desired (I was going to go as you Hitch-hiking on the streets of Miami) so I canceled the plans. I'm going to try again next year.
Are you watching the debates? They were at ASU last night. I was going to go to the post-debate party thing, but decided studying for philosophy would be a better use of my time. The test went okay. I'm just happy that we will move from Plato and on to Aristotle. Beleive me, I'm bursting with joy. But that class is full of cute boys. There is one that sits in front of me that I would like to reach out and take hold of, but then his girlfriend might get upset. She looks like and insecure bitch. But who am I to pass judgement. I'm sure she's a sweet girl, once you get under all the make-up. Maybe I'm the bitch.
Right now I'm listening to "The Promise" by When in Rome. It totally reminds me of dancing with this really hot guy, that I was totally into. We kissed on the dance floor. Not made out. Making out in bars is tacky. But kissed. It's fun kissing someone for the first time that you like. Definetly one of my favorite things to do. We met through mutual friends. But We've both been so busy that when one calls the other, there is an excuse why not to go. I don't think we'll keep in touch any more. But who can see the future.
I'm just traveling down this road, watching the signs as I go, I think I'll follow my heart, that's a good place to start. -ryan
Remember That One Time...
when you were jamming out to your favorite song in your car, totally singing and car dancing, and then realized that four other drivers were staring at you? Yeah, I feel like that. I had just gotten a blog and was playing around with it and determined to keep it quiet for awhile, and then one day I decided to play with the hyperlink and said things that probably shouldn't have been done by a novice (because this novice was under the assumption that his blog would never get traffic and remain virtually unheard of). And then there was a disconcerting moment when I popped into one of my fav bolgs to read and was horrified to see that the title of an entry was much too familiar to something I had written earlier. Even though he was super cool about it, I still felt this need to delete the blog, crawl into a small hole in the earth and wait for the world to turn a few times.
And then there was a particularly awful line I had in my blog about him, which I retracted immediately because it needed more formualtion to convey what I wanted it to (and yes, I love a good whale penis as much as the next guy).
I'm sure I'll look back on this incident and laugh and laugh. But really the last thing I wanted to do was have my blog associated with a negative connotation. Well, regardless of what more I may write I still feel like that hole in the ground is a pretty good option.
(How did this get to them? I only sent the URL to one person and I didn't know him, and he lives in DC. And honestly thought he'd only visit the site once, and then I would go back into non-existence.) Lesson learned.
And then there was a particularly awful line I had in my blog about him, which I retracted immediately because it needed more formualtion to convey what I wanted it to (and yes, I love a good whale penis as much as the next guy).
I'm sure I'll look back on this incident and laugh and laugh. But really the last thing I wanted to do was have my blog associated with a negative connotation. Well, regardless of what more I may write I still feel like that hole in the ground is a pretty good option.
(How did this get to them? I only sent the URL to one person and I didn't know him, and he lives in DC. And honestly thought he'd only visit the site once, and then I would go back into non-existence.) Lesson learned.
A potpourri of thoughts...
I would love to have about a week where I could just do what I wanted to do and drink all the soda that I wanted and eat all the fattening foods that I wanted. Like a vacation from the daily fruits, vegtables and breads that I eat. That would be nice.
I've decided to experiment with the hyperlink, and say that my crush falls on This Person. Also the one who I read daily like it's a soap opera (becasue it's like I have to pop in to see what's going on, daily) is Him. He seems to me to be somewhat like myself. <<(se fue)>> And I think that I'm wishing that I too had a someone. (I now realize that before I go exposing this site to either one of them, I need to delete the hyperlinks. I simply wouldn't want them knowing.)
My friend from New York called last night. I only have one from NY. He said that he might come to Phoenix to visit me. I would love that. I haven't seen him since Madonna in Las Vegas.
I've decided that my cousin is one of the most brilliant people in the world. She seems to always be a few steps ahead of anybody else. When I grow up I want to be exactly like her, then grandma might call me once in awhile.
I've decided to experiment with the hyperlink, and say that my crush falls on This Person. Also the one who I read daily like it's a soap opera (becasue it's like I have to pop in to see what's going on, daily) is Him. He seems to me to be somewhat like myself. <<(se fue)>> And I think that I'm wishing that I too had a someone. (I now realize that before I go exposing this site to either one of them, I need to delete the hyperlinks. I simply wouldn't want them knowing.)
My friend from New York called last night. I only have one from NY. He said that he might come to Phoenix to visit me. I would love that. I haven't seen him since Madonna in Las Vegas.
I've decided that my cousin is one of the most brilliant people in the world. She seems to always be a few steps ahead of anybody else. When I grow up I want to be exactly like her, then grandma might call me once in awhile.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
En Silencio, Y Sin Cruzar una Palabra
I think that I might have a crush on a blogger in LA. I don't know him except through his blog. But Sometimes I wonder if I were to see him in real life. I think I would have fun entertaining the idea of talking to him, but in actuality, I'm chicken-shit when it comes to stuff like that.
On a different note, I'm finally begining to like ancient philosophy. Maybe Plato, Hesiod, Thales, and Protagarus knew a little something, at least how to branch out from the expected ways of thinking.
On a different note, I'm finally begining to like ancient philosophy. Maybe Plato, Hesiod, Thales, and Protagarus knew a little something, at least how to branch out from the expected ways of thinking.
There is a Learning Curve...
Slowly, very slowly I am getting a hang of this page. I was somewhat unsure if I wanted other people to know about this site. At this point the thought of my words, ideas and musings being out there for someone to stumble upon is good enough for me. I still feel like an infant. With time I'll understand more and start fixing it up the way I want. Kind of exciting. Yea!
Monday, October 11, 2004
No Quiero Ver un Cielo Grís
It was just he and I. I logged off my computer and tried to talk and walk to my car at the same time. I had to put much effort into not rambling and saying incoherent mumbles. I came very close and his confused "What?" brought me back to my senses, and I took a deep breath.
What were we talking about? "Uh, yeah, I can't wait to have a house to plant a yard..." (Didn't really make sense but he didn't seem to question). "What? You have a case that you need to prepare for?" (I'm not going to take up your whole week, I just want to see you for 15 mins). "I've heard Palm Springs is a nice town to go for vacation." (Are you taking me on a vacation?) "Oh, your TV show is on? Okay, have a good night, call me when you get a chance."
The door slammed shut and I stood out side alone. The weather was incredible so I guess I didn't mind being outside. But he was gone. I truned my head a bit and noticed the yard. It was nice.
What was up between us? The downward spiral of our relationship had taken on the guise of a butterfly. And neither one of us had a net nor wanted to go find one. As long as it fluttered around and didn't land on anything we were fine.
My own voice, my gestures, my kisses, nothing seems to make sense anymore.
You can imagine how I would have been, if you had waited with your love for just a second longer.
In The Beginning...
Funny how life can seem to close in on you, to the point that you have to analyze quickly what is really important and only do those necessary things to try and avoid being swallowed completely.
So here I go...
So here I go...
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