good things still come from TX

This is David Carr. Hot. I don't really follow football, but I just might start.

All I ever knew

Looking from a window above,
Watching this story we call love.
Seems like it started yesterday.
It was getting harder to stay.

Sometimes I think of your name,
How to you it was a game.
I see the blue-grey sky.
It sees me when I cry.

Can you hear me? I want you near me.

All I needed was the love you gave.
That was all I needed for another day.
Please understand I always knew
All I ever needed was you.

I sit behind a closed door,
Numb, I can’t take anymore.
All the words that you said,
Not making sense in my head.

I wish my memory would rest
Forgetting you is now best.
This will take me a long time
I wonder what’s left is mine.

I need you.
When I see you.

All I needed was the love you gave.
All I needed was another day.
I know that you always knew,
All I ever needed was you.

you've taken my breath away but I've never held it for you

Time goes by so slowly. Not much to say. I wish you would open your heart to me. But I won't stand in your way. simplement je ne veux pas. I don't want to complicate things. I want to help you succeed. I don't want to be your lover. I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to be your enemy. I don't want to be your partner. I don't want to be an obstruction.

I just want to be undefined apart of your life.

I don't want to hang in the shadows, nor do I want to embrace the light. Let me just be there with you. This isn't love. This isn't hate. This isn't anything but a positive feeling. Bells don't ring when you're there. My life isn't stopped when you're gone.

But there is something good about you. Otherwise I wouldn't expel this energy in your name.

hmmmm

"Where do you stand morally?"

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

THE SITUATION:

You are in New Orleans.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo journalist working for a major newspaper and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer.

Somehow the man looks familiar.

You suddenly realize who it is.It's the President, George W. Bush.

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options - you can save the life of the President, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most famous men.

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

poisoning my own head

He said, "I like you and I want to let you into my heart, but first you'll need to change everything you are."

He said, "I'm going out with a friend. Ryan, he's just a friend. I'll call you when dinner is done."
--There was never a phone call that night, or ever again.--

He said, "I like you because you're smart and engaging in conversation. But you'd better put out before I lose interest."

He said, "I like where this is going, it feels really good. I think we click well together. But I've found someone else closer to my age, I'll call you soon."

So what's weighing on your mind, Ryan? And spare us no details.

I've really tried, however unsuccessful, to keep from whining on this blog. But today I just want to send all my worries out there. I need to get them off my chest and this is the only place I thought I could express them all.

Firstly, I have to write an organic chemistry lab paper tonight. It was my own fault for waiting until the last minute but it's nonetheless nerve-wracking. I hate writing lab reports. There is always SOMETHING that I failed to mention. I have yet to hear of anyone writing a perfect lab report first time through. I'll bet that's why you always get a bad grade. Because the TA who is grading it is pissed off at the professor for picking his report apart who is upset at his colleagues for being so critical of his thesis 20 years ago. It's a vicious cycle.

The next item of business is my friends. It seems we have drifted apart. While I have enjoyed the time away from them, getting to know new people and explore different facets of my life, it seems that they are gone for good. They have formed a little clique and I'm not apart of it. I've done ugly things to one especially. And so I cannot feel the victim at all in his case. But another seems to be playing along with him. I want to feel mad at them, I want to scream and holler at them, but I can't. I respect one enough to just let them go. If they feel that is better, then I won't stand in their way. I guess I'll have to move on.
Course I have enjoyed being back to just me. It's something I know well. And I like being a drifter, floating from person to group depending on my mood at the time. But I'll admit it was nice to have a home team too.

The third is I found out why I was suddenly dropped by one for whom I cared deeply. He was dating me and another at the same time. I understand that and do it myself. But I don't go telling someone that I really like the direction we are going in and that I like him and I can't wait to see him again and then NOT CALL EVER AGAIN. I usually tell him that it's just not going to work out.
But I found out that my competition was a 37-year-old guy. I'm sure he is out of school, has a steady job. Probably even a dog. The guy I fell for was 43. I know, I know. It's good in the long run, but right now my heart is heavy. It's not sad anymore because I found out I was too young, I have a reason to hang on to. And I can accept that. I just wish that we could have spent a little more time together. I knew he and I weren't going to last, but I feel like my five-day ticket to Disneyland expired two days early.

I'm also stressing about moving. More so that with school and the advancement of technology most of my classes are heavily dependent on internet access, and high-speed access at that. It's going to be an investment to get internet. And I don't feel like making that expense right now. Sigh.

Thankfully things with the parents are going really well and I spent the evening with my sister Saturday. It was nice to connect with her again.

I'm currently corresponding with some nice people over the internet, on which we met. I'm not holding my breath in the least. I think this is one of the few times I'm content to let it be emails. But between me and the internet, one of them I'm increasingly interested in. He's not what I would normally consider my type, he's cute. But his personality is really winning me over. I think I would love to meet up with him and get lost in a conversation over coffee. That sounds nice.
Oh and I'm talking to another older guy. 45. ;) I don't base them on age, it just happens. He's nice. And he's a radiologist, and he is related to the head coach of an NFL team. He's wealthy. Too bad I'm not a gold digger. I paid for the last dinner out, and I really know that if I didn't feel something strong for someone, I couldn't live a lie. But I'd be lying if I said I would at least consider should he invite me to Europe someday. ;) He is interesting. We're still just talking, but I can't help but feel he's in a sense looking for a trophy wife. I know I don't fit any trophy category at all, which makes me think that I should just ride out this roller coaster because it will end here pretty quickly. Whether by him finding someone cuter or me telling him I want love and companionship and not money.

Here it is! This is the album cover! And I think it's GREAT!

I've been up and down and all around it's all about survival

This is me at three years. I think I was a cute kid. And look at the great hair! I was so innocent. But I wouldn't go back for the world. To live isn't easy, but I sure do have a great time most of the time.



So what is the measure of happiness? For me, it's accepting myself. That I'm not perfect. That I'm prone to be normal, yet unique in my own way. Being me and being happy with what I have and where I'm going. I find that I'm slowly still getting over my insecuritues. Oh my, he hasn't called! It must be me. I got a bad grade, it's because I'm just so stupid.

That isn't the answer. It took me so long to understand that I hold the key to my happiness. It's not if he calls me back. It's not how many frineds I have by my side. It's not driving a posh car. While all these help, it comes down to the fact that I'm comfortable in this skin.

I turned down a date tonight with a cute guy to study. I turned down going to see Tori Amos in concert tomorrow because I have a very big test on Saturday morning. While in the moment it was hard, I know that I will be happier for doing what I did, making that choice. Tori will come again. The cute guy and I are getting together on Tuesday. Things have a way of working out when you do what you know to be right.

I find I'm getting over my need to please other people and I feel more stable and happier. While I like to be nice and I want others to be happy there is a difference.

I feel like I'm kind of on my own these days. I'm exploring and I'm really enjoying it. I'm staying home on Friday nights so Saturday can be a full, productive day. I'm staying in to study so I can do well in school. I'm meeting guys out and focusing on being their friend rather than worrying where it's going to go.

"In the blink of an eye everything could change, say hello to your life now you're living. This is it from now on it's a brand new day, it was time to wake up from this dream."

I think I feel like I'm on my way home, finally.

Really, the world is your oyster

"Well, I think that being reduced is good for you. You can evolve from such an experience." -Guy Ritchie




It seems that everyday I learn a bit more that when it comes right down to it, I need to make sure I'm okay with me. When things go awry or people bail, you come back to you. But I find that it makes me stronger and I feel better about myself.

I find that being more comfortable with myself makes the world seem like a canvas. It's exciting to think of all the limitless possibilities.

I want the good life, but I don't want an easy ride

Although sometimes I think it would be a nice change. I spoke with my dad tonight and it helps to hear your dad say that things will be okay and everything will work out. I really needed to hear that. I am really lucky to have the dad that I have. He admits he doesn't understand, but he told me that he is my dad and I'm his son and he'll always love me. And he believes in me. I feel like because of the great parents that I have, I am able to be a better person.

I liked this picture of Madonna, she looks strong and ready. That's how I feel now, post-dad conversation feeling.

I found this to be the possible cover art for the sing Hung Up, but it's not very likely, but I like it nonetheless.

This is a fake, and I'm happy though it seems to be more along the lines of what I would expect from Madonna. If you'll notice, she doesn't have her face showing on only one of her discs (excluding the excerpts of Evita) and that's the Immacualte Collection.

Here is what the majority is saying Confessions on a Dancefloor cover will be. I like it. It's different from anything she has done.

some advice I just needed to hear

Keep your head held high, ride like the wind. Never look behind life isn’t fair. Don’t run away so fast. Wipe away all your tears, it’s gonna be alright.

I fought to be so strong, But I was afraid to be left behind.

You’ve got to forget the past, and learn to forgive. Don’t let memory play games with your mind. Let go of the faded smile frozen in time.

I am totally HUNG UP!

I LOVE the new Madonna single "Hung Up" It totally samples some of ABBA "Gimmie! Gimmie! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)" And I have included a link where you can hear a sample.


http://perso.wanadoo.es/spunky05/HUNG/index.htm

This song totally says what I feel everytime that DAMN GUY doesn't call when he says he will. Or my phone calls get screened and I NEVER HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN! Why can't guys just be mature about it and say, "I'm just not interested anymore." Why do they have to fall off the face of the earth?

Oh well.

As someone I dated told me, "It gets the point accross."

Sure it does.

But saying "We're over" is just as effective and saves a lot of dignity and time. Oh the time I've wasted calling guys, only to never hear from them again.

"Waiting for your call,
Baby night and day
I'M FED UP
I'm tired of waiting for you."

That I Would be Good

Do you ever get the feeling that the world has stopped turning and everyone has left you behind? Why am I so depressed? I knew he'd go. SO GET OVER IT RYAN!!! **fuck 'em all**

I feel like I'm back to square one. I must have burnt through my box of matches and now I need to build another one.
But I've always been a scrapper. I've worked from the bottom many times. I just feel this fall much more strongly.

I guess I felt like I finally got a handle on freindships and relationships. But those both went tumbling down. I want to leave this town.

But that'd just be running away. That's how I'm gonna look at things. I'm on my own again. Back to when I would read books on a Friday night and be asleep by 11pm. I rememeber I'd be up at like 7:30 on a Saturday morning to clean the bathroom.

Those days have returned. I feel it in my bones.

Well, I can complain or get going...

"And if I fall, I get up again now..."

“My Clothes Feel Like Someone’s Old Throw-aways”

Sometimes the only thing I can do is say goodbye. It rips my heart out and tears it open, but I’ll survive. No one has died yet of a broken heart.

I feel that if I try and get close to anyone, then that’s the beginning of the end. I must be cursed. Maybe this is karma coming back to get me. Whatever it is, I’ll have to muddle through and hopefully will learn a little something along the way.

Maybe it’s time I look for a substitute for love, since love itself has evaded me. Again.

I’ll look for the silly game, and things that can be bought. I’ll find a pretty face and keep it superficial. I’ll travel round the world and hunger for rooms full of pretentious strangers. I’ll buy trinkets, look for heady danger, try new drugs. I’ll play on the Ferris wheel, steal hearts, make laughter in the dark. Bring on the one night stands, I’ll spark fires and cause a blaze.

But I’ll be unhappy. Loneliness has never been a stranger. I just can no longer be a moth to a flame.

I guess it’s me. I just am terrible at anything more than friendship. So that’s where I’ll have to keep it for now.

Ugh

So I think I'm coming down with something, but I'm going to try and nip it in the bud before it develops into something really ugly. It's def a Nyquil night!

i'm also really bad at taking things slowly. So no call or text for the whole day and I'm freaking out that he no longer even remembers I exist. But my coworker told me to "STOP FREAKING OUT!" she said that we're taking it slowly and that slowly means a day or even a few without talking. But I have tomorrow night off and I wanted to call and see if he'd be up for something. She said that is acceptable. But no calling to just chit chat, I can only call if I have a plan in mind. This is totally a lesson I'm learning that I NEED to learn.

I also figured that I'm probably a bit neurotic. I really think my reality, especially concerning myself is warped some. I remember that when I was a kid I would tell myself that nobody would ever love me, and I guess that's a part of my really bad self-esteem and self image. I finally believed myself. Why did I do that as a kid and adolescent? I guess I've hated myself for being gay for a very long time now. When I was in denial I really hated myself. I knew I was different and that's why there was hate. But I'm getting better. But it doesn't make things any easier now. but I think that I'm far along enough to tell myself to sit back and relax that things will be okay, I'm learning patience. And I've noticed that it's my clingy nature that has driven a lot of beaus away in the past...

Breathe...

in the good ol' summertime

So now that Labor Day is over, I guess it's time for me to let the summer go. I had much fun this summer. This pic kinda sums the summer up for me. If I were straight, she would be my wife.

I loved the sunset. It was breathtaking. This particular spot reminded me of the above place in guatemala...

Here's me with wild and crazy shorts on (I'm camping) and also this is my gosh-I-need-to-work-on-my-arms-much-more pose. hehe ;) But I was enamored by this place, I forgot how much I miss the forest. I was on sensory overload the whole trip, trying to take it all in.

Could you ever believe that something so pretty was in AZ?

why do the good girls always want the bad boys?

He's no good for me. I know, I know. But why does he still make my nerves boil? I have tried to play his games, and try and withstand all the doubt he brings me. And for the most part no longer feel he has much over me.

When I leave his side, I never feel reassured, I still feel I have next to nothing with him.
But he keeps calling me.

I felt guilty last night. He said that he was going to ask me to stay over. But since I never responded to his texts (I was at dinner with a friend) he played the rejected role and said, "But I guess you're busy, g-night."
I need more than a few hours to adjust my schedule. Does he expect me to wait around for his beckoning call?

I like him, but he's not good for me. I know, I know.

I know what it is. He's got walls and walls built. And I'm dying to get through them. But I just don't think I can. I honestly feel like a disposable person with him. Only wants me around when it's convenient for him. Ever since I started talking to him, I've been counting down to when I would be tossed aside. I never thought that I'd be voluntarily leaving, at least begin inching towards the door.

what are friends for...

We all know about MLK, Marcus Garvey, and the other famous, more prominent black figures in history, but what about the less famous ones who have made arguably as valuable contributions?

Take Exhibit 1...

Cheryl "Peaches" Delaney of Englewood, NJ, was working the night shift at a McDonalds in 1974. The 16 year-old high school junior had just been severely reprimanded by her manager, one Arnold McFarland, over her Afro hairdo being unprofessional. McFarland gave her an ultimatum of wearing a clown hat or being fired, and Delaney, working to save money for cosmetology school, relented and wore the clown hat.

Hours later, she noticed several of her classmates in the drive-through window, on their way to a party. Lucious Jones, Fred Williams, Eddie James, and Derrick Smith were riding in a green AMC Pacer. The four of them ordered four hamburgers, and were going to split three orders of fries and two cokes. Peaches, filling the order, noticed that McFarland (the manager) had taken his nightly thirty-minute bathroom break, had an epiphany.

She locked eyes with LaWanda, who was on fries, and Fat Sam, who was on the register, and in a blur of motion, they stuffed 5 jumbo bags with every single hamburger, cheeseburger, French fry, cookie, and other item they could find, accepting $1.01 from Lucious Jones as payment.

Cheryl "Peaches" Delaney had invented...

"The Hook-Up".

We salute you Ms. Cheryl "Peaches" Delaney...a Black pioneer and hero!