Restless thoughts.
So many roads traveled, so many times it seems I return to the lessons I thought learned.
I try to keep my eyes on the light, but the tunnel gave way to a field.
A dark wanderer in lands mapped and charted.
Still feeling lost.
The shades are drawn. I wait for dusk.
I try to keep busy, but drift to fears.
The night is the time for tears.
I can't let the sun catch me crying.
Pouring water into a vase, to watch it spill.
Wring the washcloth out and throw it into the sink.
No sense to spill it again.
No sense to watch the water fall.
No longer having the same effect it once had.
Jumping to reach the sun,
Once I had him in my hands.
I'd like to change my losses for wins.
My toes are cold again.
Despite the layers of socks.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Just some stupid sad songs
I thought so. But then I thought not.
I'm not sure how to feel. I feel sad, I feel happy, I feel content. I feel like I've been burning the midnight oil too much, but I feel it all worth it. I knew this would happen, but I set myself up to be the perfect victim. I knew I'd feel like beauty #2, and "you only have one" would be on the tip of my tongue. I knew there'd be so much more I'd want to say but forget. I wish I could take back a few words, but I guess it's now water under the bridge. I knew time would stand still, and I'm happy to return to reality. Like a castle in the sand I knew this would fall apart. But positive, happy, no regrets in the end. But there's still that knot in my stomach, there's still the longing for just one more minute.
I'm not sure how I feel, but I'm happy to feel again.
It's now ten on my watch, and I'm still here wondering why my heart feels like it might break, despite you've already left. I see an illusion, the same one I taught myself and swore my love to. But what once was a simple understanding, a friendship of sorts is now my weakness. Sure, there's no reason to cry, but why do I still see this grey sky?
"I want to have you cuz you're all I got. Don't want to lose you cuz it means a lot. All the joy this world can bring doesn't give me anything when you're not here. Idiot me, Stupid fool. How could you be so uncool. To fall in love with someone who doesn't really care for you, it's so obscure. But I feel wonderful. Yes I feel wonderful. God it makes me feel so good everytime I think about you. All of the heat of my desire, smoke and lights some crazy fire. Come on kid look at me where I stand, can't you see my heart burning in my hand? Do you want me do you not? Does it feel cold baby or does it feel hot? I want to hold you and be so held back. Do want to need you but it's where I'm at. Thinking about you everyday, how come I was made this way? It's so surreal. But I feel wonderful." "Wonderful" Annie Lenox
"I don't want to talk about things we've gone through, though it's hurting me now it's history. I've played all my cards and that's what you've done too. Nothing more to say no more ace to play. The winner takes it all. The loser standing small. Beside the victory that's our destiny. I was in you arms, thinking I'd belong there. Figured it made sense building the offense. Building me a home, thinking I'd be strong there. But I was a fool, playing by the rules. The gods my throw a dice, their minds as cold as ice. And someone waydown here loses someone dear. The winner takes it all, the loser has to fall. It's simple and it's plain why should I complain? But tell me does she kiss like I used to kiss you? Does it feel the same when she calls your name? Somewhere deep inside you must know I miss you, but what can I say rules must be obeyed. The judges will decide the likes of me abide. Spectators of the show always staying low. The game is on again, a lover or a friend? A big thing or a small? The winner takes it all. I don't want to talk if it makes you feel sad and I understand you've come to shake my hand. I apologize if it makes you feel bad seeing me so tense, loss of confidence. But you see, the winner takes it all." "The winner takes it all" Abba
"You've been my golden best friend. I can't go to you for cosolation, cuz you're off limits during this transition. This grief overwhelms me it burns in my stomach and I can't stop bumping into things. I thought we'd be simple together. I thought we'd be happy together. I thought limitless together. I thought we'd be precious together but I was sadly mistaken. You've been my soulmate and then some. I remembered you the moment I met you. With you I knew God's face was handsome. With you I saw fun and expansion. This loss is hard, it peirces my chest, and I can't stop dropping everything." "Simple Together" Alanis
"It's gonna take some time this time to get me myself in shape. I really fell out of line this time, I really missed the gate. The birds on the telephone line are crying out to me, next time. And I won't be so blind next time and I'll find some harmony. But it's going to take some time this time and I can't make demands, but like the young the young tree in the wintertime I learn how to bend." "Take Some Time" The Carpenters
"There's no need to argue anymore. I gave all I could but it left me so sore. And the thing that makes me mad is the one thing that I had: I knew I'd lose you. You'll always be special to me. And I remember all the things we once shared, watching tv, movies together. But they say it will work out fine. Was it all a waste of time, cuz I knew I'd lose you. You'll always be special to me."
"I can't find a feeling to let go. Even though you have a new love and he's what your dreams are made of. I can't find a reason to hang on, but when a wrong can be forgiven without you it ain't worth living alone. Sometimes I wakeup crying at night and sometimes I scream out your name."
"I don't know where to start. Say I'm tired or throw a party. These cucumber rines are lying the more that I smile about it and all my clothes feel like someone's old throw-aways. It's good to be in love and really that's so true. I'm happy you're in love. Cuz every color goes where you do. I'm adoring you. It's all good. You're so beautiful, I'm black and blue all over. You're breaking my flow how could you know what I'm saying about it? When all of my clothes feel old, I don't like it. It's good to be in love and really that's so true. I'm happy you're in love cuz every color goes where you do. I feel so powerless. I've got to stop this somewhere, come on what could I do? Why's it happening, how's it happening that he feels it without me?"
"It's late, the end of the month. I look at my watch, the rain begins. In the distance I see the memory of a love. He doesn't see me. It was a long time ago."
"Let me spend my life devouring your every thought and step. Let your moles be erased and then reappear with every hug and kiss. And now that you're here I'm happy again. I once understood you were mine. Let me love you and that my tears dry yours. Let every sky have a cloud and let it rain until it makes puddles. Let me kiss you until you are breathless, and hug you so tightly to separate your bones. And now you're here again and I remember the happiness I felt. I want to pursue you, to learn of you, to love you day and night, spend my whole life on you. I want to tie you to my heart, carry you like a tatoo, I want to lose my sanity in you."
"Maybe it's the daily rain that has risen your level. Music no longer has the same effect it once had. Maybe I've lived too much in such a small, short time that now I don't remember my own language or how I used to feel. I feel that I no longer have the strength to jump and grab the sun. And despite how much I try, I don't listen to my own voice. I don't know if I've lived 1000 days or one day 1000 times and I add you to my story wishing I could change my losses for wins. I need you. You are part of me, I need you here, it's that I haven't learned how to live without you."
"Say goodbye to now knowing when the truth in my whole life began. Say goodbye to know knowing how to cry, you taught me that.
And I'll remember the strength that you gave me now that I'm standing here on my own. I'll remember the way that you saved me. I'll remember.
Inside I was a child that could not mend a broken wing. Outside I looked for a way to teach my heart to sing. And I'll remember the love that you gave me, now that I'm standing on my own, I'll remember the way that you changed me, I'll remember.
I learn to let go of the illusion that we could posess. I learn to let go, I travel in stillness, and I'll remember happiness, I'll remember love..."
I'm not sure how to feel. I feel sad, I feel happy, I feel content. I feel like I've been burning the midnight oil too much, but I feel it all worth it. I knew this would happen, but I set myself up to be the perfect victim. I knew I'd feel like beauty #2, and "you only have one" would be on the tip of my tongue. I knew there'd be so much more I'd want to say but forget. I wish I could take back a few words, but I guess it's now water under the bridge. I knew time would stand still, and I'm happy to return to reality. Like a castle in the sand I knew this would fall apart. But positive, happy, no regrets in the end. But there's still that knot in my stomach, there's still the longing for just one more minute.
I'm not sure how I feel, but I'm happy to feel again.
It's now ten on my watch, and I'm still here wondering why my heart feels like it might break, despite you've already left. I see an illusion, the same one I taught myself and swore my love to. But what once was a simple understanding, a friendship of sorts is now my weakness. Sure, there's no reason to cry, but why do I still see this grey sky?
"I want to have you cuz you're all I got. Don't want to lose you cuz it means a lot. All the joy this world can bring doesn't give me anything when you're not here. Idiot me, Stupid fool. How could you be so uncool. To fall in love with someone who doesn't really care for you, it's so obscure. But I feel wonderful. Yes I feel wonderful. God it makes me feel so good everytime I think about you. All of the heat of my desire, smoke and lights some crazy fire. Come on kid look at me where I stand, can't you see my heart burning in my hand? Do you want me do you not? Does it feel cold baby or does it feel hot? I want to hold you and be so held back. Do want to need you but it's where I'm at. Thinking about you everyday, how come I was made this way? It's so surreal. But I feel wonderful." "Wonderful" Annie Lenox
"I don't want to talk about things we've gone through, though it's hurting me now it's history. I've played all my cards and that's what you've done too. Nothing more to say no more ace to play. The winner takes it all. The loser standing small. Beside the victory that's our destiny. I was in you arms, thinking I'd belong there. Figured it made sense building the offense. Building me a home, thinking I'd be strong there. But I was a fool, playing by the rules. The gods my throw a dice, their minds as cold as ice. And someone waydown here loses someone dear. The winner takes it all, the loser has to fall. It's simple and it's plain why should I complain? But tell me does she kiss like I used to kiss you? Does it feel the same when she calls your name? Somewhere deep inside you must know I miss you, but what can I say rules must be obeyed. The judges will decide the likes of me abide. Spectators of the show always staying low. The game is on again, a lover or a friend? A big thing or a small? The winner takes it all. I don't want to talk if it makes you feel sad and I understand you've come to shake my hand. I apologize if it makes you feel bad seeing me so tense, loss of confidence. But you see, the winner takes it all." "The winner takes it all" Abba
"You've been my golden best friend. I can't go to you for cosolation, cuz you're off limits during this transition. This grief overwhelms me it burns in my stomach and I can't stop bumping into things. I thought we'd be simple together. I thought we'd be happy together. I thought limitless together. I thought we'd be precious together but I was sadly mistaken. You've been my soulmate and then some. I remembered you the moment I met you. With you I knew God's face was handsome. With you I saw fun and expansion. This loss is hard, it peirces my chest, and I can't stop dropping everything." "Simple Together" Alanis
"It's gonna take some time this time to get me myself in shape. I really fell out of line this time, I really missed the gate. The birds on the telephone line are crying out to me, next time. And I won't be so blind next time and I'll find some harmony. But it's going to take some time this time and I can't make demands, but like the young the young tree in the wintertime I learn how to bend." "Take Some Time" The Carpenters
"There's no need to argue anymore. I gave all I could but it left me so sore. And the thing that makes me mad is the one thing that I had: I knew I'd lose you. You'll always be special to me. And I remember all the things we once shared, watching tv, movies together. But they say it will work out fine. Was it all a waste of time, cuz I knew I'd lose you. You'll always be special to me."
"I can't find a feeling to let go. Even though you have a new love and he's what your dreams are made of. I can't find a reason to hang on, but when a wrong can be forgiven without you it ain't worth living alone. Sometimes I wakeup crying at night and sometimes I scream out your name."
"I don't know where to start. Say I'm tired or throw a party. These cucumber rines are lying the more that I smile about it and all my clothes feel like someone's old throw-aways. It's good to be in love and really that's so true. I'm happy you're in love. Cuz every color goes where you do. I'm adoring you. It's all good. You're so beautiful, I'm black and blue all over. You're breaking my flow how could you know what I'm saying about it? When all of my clothes feel old, I don't like it. It's good to be in love and really that's so true. I'm happy you're in love cuz every color goes where you do. I feel so powerless. I've got to stop this somewhere, come on what could I do? Why's it happening, how's it happening that he feels it without me?"
"It's late, the end of the month. I look at my watch, the rain begins. In the distance I see the memory of a love. He doesn't see me. It was a long time ago."
"Let me spend my life devouring your every thought and step. Let your moles be erased and then reappear with every hug and kiss. And now that you're here I'm happy again. I once understood you were mine. Let me love you and that my tears dry yours. Let every sky have a cloud and let it rain until it makes puddles. Let me kiss you until you are breathless, and hug you so tightly to separate your bones. And now you're here again and I remember the happiness I felt. I want to pursue you, to learn of you, to love you day and night, spend my whole life on you. I want to tie you to my heart, carry you like a tatoo, I want to lose my sanity in you."
"Maybe it's the daily rain that has risen your level. Music no longer has the same effect it once had. Maybe I've lived too much in such a small, short time that now I don't remember my own language or how I used to feel. I feel that I no longer have the strength to jump and grab the sun. And despite how much I try, I don't listen to my own voice. I don't know if I've lived 1000 days or one day 1000 times and I add you to my story wishing I could change my losses for wins. I need you. You are part of me, I need you here, it's that I haven't learned how to live without you."
"Say goodbye to now knowing when the truth in my whole life began. Say goodbye to know knowing how to cry, you taught me that.
And I'll remember the strength that you gave me now that I'm standing here on my own. I'll remember the way that you saved me. I'll remember.
Inside I was a child that could not mend a broken wing. Outside I looked for a way to teach my heart to sing. And I'll remember the love that you gave me, now that I'm standing on my own, I'll remember the way that you changed me, I'll remember.
I learn to let go of the illusion that we could posess. I learn to let go, I travel in stillness, and I'll remember happiness, I'll remember love..."
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Sucks to Grow Up
It's been several years on this blog. It's been years longer waiting to wake up arrived. It's been a life in progress even longer, and I feel worn out. I feel a change, I feel an acceptance, I feel like I'm finally starting to grow up.
I've been fighting the truth for a decade. I've been in denial most of my life. I've been beating around the bush, and I see I'm still where I was. I feel different, I see the world in a new light, I know that it's time to start to grow up.
I've been pushing some boundaries, while abiding by others. I excuse myself from myself. I have tales and secrets untold. I know, I've known it would culminate. I've known I'd have to face my demons myself, and I know that this is part of growing up.
I've been fighting the truth for a decade. I've been in denial most of my life. I've been beating around the bush, and I see I'm still where I was. I feel different, I see the world in a new light, I know that it's time to start to grow up.
I've been pushing some boundaries, while abiding by others. I excuse myself from myself. I have tales and secrets untold. I know, I've known it would culminate. I've known I'd have to face my demons myself, and I know that this is part of growing up.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Not Sure...Just Thoughts, nothing more than words...
I went kicking and screaming.
I wasn't going to have anything to do with it.
But the truth paralyzes me.
Exposure to what I thought I wanted makes me see I don't want it.
I can't face myself sometimes. Like standing outside of a theater trying to tell a story to a lady selling flowers. I promised I'd would complete the mission, but after the victory, I saw I may have lost more than gained. When all are sleeping, I escape to the night and wonder if I have learned anything at all. I don't know, but I know that life keeps moving regardless.
Too prideful to look behind me. Too prideful to realize that I am wrong. Too selfish to be happy for the fortune of others, like winning the game means more than a person.
I would give you my waist. I would give you my lips to kiss when ever you wanted. I give you my sanity and few neurons that remain. I give you my faded shoes, my journals, my breaths... just don't leave again. You are my sun, the faith with which I live. My love, my desire to live and laugh. Your the goodbye I will never know how to say because I could never live with out you. If one day you decide to leave again, I would lock all the doors and close all the windows, so you could never leave me. I would give you my silence, my nose, my bones, just stay with me. You are my voice, my feet to walk, my starlight, my life.
I feel that an old tale doesn't have all the answers that I thought it did. I feel that I can't hear or write down the sadness I feel. But there, there is some hope that burns in my heart, but I lose it in myself. I feel I've been a faithful enemy, a blue devil. I feel I've another dream, something that watches the sky rain. And there is an old tale that was written, I wasn't able to understand it. I lost myself in me.
Smile like you mean it. Just let go. It's all in the hands of something more. Just take a bow, play the part of a lonely heart.
For as long as I can remember I've been longing for something like you to come my way. It felt right. And then it slipped away. How am I to fall in love like that again? I'm still thinking of you with tears in the pouring rain, I'm still missing those nights of us together. You see, I thought I'd found the love I'd have forever.
Now I hide in myself, behind this shadowed smile. Only myself to blame. Tell me how will I ever fall in love like that again? I'm still remembering the walks in the dark, the trips out of town for the night, the days we never left the house. Now this house holds your memory and all in it. I never knew I'd have so many tears to cry.
Missing you, missing you, missing you.
You were my best friend. And now I lay my hand down. I can't run to you because you're now off limits. I don't know where to go now, just grief burning in my stomach, and I can't stop bumping into things. I thought we'd be simple, happy, limitless, precious together. But I was wrong. You were my soul mate and then some. I remembered you the moment I met you, With you I knew God's face was handsome. With you I saw the universe expanding. This loss is wrong, I can't stop dropping everything. I thought we'd be sexy, evolving, have a family together. If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented, a dime for all the hands thrown up in the air, my wealth would run over. I thought we'd be genius, healing, growing, adventurous, exploring, inspired, flying, on fire together. But I was sadly mistaken.
I loved how you smelt after a shower. I miss your smile, how you would try and look at both sides to drive me crazy. How you would play music just to annoy me and then hug me. How you would speak of your family. How you would tell me about your day. I miss these things about you. This is not time for a weak heart. These days I keep my raw heart wrapped up tight. I struggle to lay down my torch for you like this.
I miss your head on my pillow, miss you petting the dog, I miss you dragging me to a boring movie, I miss you talking to your friends on the phone, I miss the light in your eyes when we sip our coffee in the morning. I miss the way your shoes were never in the closet.
So one step forward, I keep going. I try to tell myself to move on. But I still miss your head by mine, I miss talking about the future, I miss you telling me to read more books. My heart is left weak, not time for stumbling, not the days for broken dreams. I struggle to lay down my torch for you.
Every dream, every impression. Every fault, every detail all under control. Every certainty, every approximation. Every scene under supervision. The casualty has taken on the guise of a butterfly that could be love. You have no idea how much I would have loved you, if you had just waited a moment longer. My gestures, my voice, no longer.
colors that could never mix, dreams in bags of ice floating out to sea. Silence that we attacked. We are lovers that never felt spring, that can't make each other laugh. Just venom in our love. We always hid out bad moods. So look at me, and look at you, tell me what you see.
It's that you and I never fit in the same love song. We are A and B.
My eyes are tired of crying, they want to rest. So give me a hug and let's say goodbye, don't try and fix what cannot be fixed.
But me and my armor, I've had to grow strong. I have duel coats, not been trusted with a heart. I'm a sweet piece of work, with good intentions, not perfect, wrongly labeled, treated as a rose when really an orchid. My friends cannot be objective, but truly wanting what's best. Misunderstood, I learn to learn about myself.. I require a special care. So I live in my blind spot, I thought I was usual when I'm not... so this sweet piece of work, I'm high maintenance, different, and deserving of all happiness. I get overwhelmed, I'm unobserved, I've been misread, don't know who I'm supposed to be, but always hoping, never losing hope.
I wasn't going to have anything to do with it.
But the truth paralyzes me.
Exposure to what I thought I wanted makes me see I don't want it.
I can't face myself sometimes. Like standing outside of a theater trying to tell a story to a lady selling flowers. I promised I'd would complete the mission, but after the victory, I saw I may have lost more than gained. When all are sleeping, I escape to the night and wonder if I have learned anything at all. I don't know, but I know that life keeps moving regardless.
Too prideful to look behind me. Too prideful to realize that I am wrong. Too selfish to be happy for the fortune of others, like winning the game means more than a person.
I would give you my waist. I would give you my lips to kiss when ever you wanted. I give you my sanity and few neurons that remain. I give you my faded shoes, my journals, my breaths... just don't leave again. You are my sun, the faith with which I live. My love, my desire to live and laugh. Your the goodbye I will never know how to say because I could never live with out you. If one day you decide to leave again, I would lock all the doors and close all the windows, so you could never leave me. I would give you my silence, my nose, my bones, just stay with me. You are my voice, my feet to walk, my starlight, my life.
I feel that an old tale doesn't have all the answers that I thought it did. I feel that I can't hear or write down the sadness I feel. But there, there is some hope that burns in my heart, but I lose it in myself. I feel I've been a faithful enemy, a blue devil. I feel I've another dream, something that watches the sky rain. And there is an old tale that was written, I wasn't able to understand it. I lost myself in me.
Smile like you mean it. Just let go. It's all in the hands of something more. Just take a bow, play the part of a lonely heart.
For as long as I can remember I've been longing for something like you to come my way. It felt right. And then it slipped away. How am I to fall in love like that again? I'm still thinking of you with tears in the pouring rain, I'm still missing those nights of us together. You see, I thought I'd found the love I'd have forever.
Now I hide in myself, behind this shadowed smile. Only myself to blame. Tell me how will I ever fall in love like that again? I'm still remembering the walks in the dark, the trips out of town for the night, the days we never left the house. Now this house holds your memory and all in it. I never knew I'd have so many tears to cry.
Missing you, missing you, missing you.
You were my best friend. And now I lay my hand down. I can't run to you because you're now off limits. I don't know where to go now, just grief burning in my stomach, and I can't stop bumping into things. I thought we'd be simple, happy, limitless, precious together. But I was wrong. You were my soul mate and then some. I remembered you the moment I met you, With you I knew God's face was handsome. With you I saw the universe expanding. This loss is wrong, I can't stop dropping everything. I thought we'd be sexy, evolving, have a family together. If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented, a dime for all the hands thrown up in the air, my wealth would run over. I thought we'd be genius, healing, growing, adventurous, exploring, inspired, flying, on fire together. But I was sadly mistaken.
I loved how you smelt after a shower. I miss your smile, how you would try and look at both sides to drive me crazy. How you would play music just to annoy me and then hug me. How you would speak of your family. How you would tell me about your day. I miss these things about you. This is not time for a weak heart. These days I keep my raw heart wrapped up tight. I struggle to lay down my torch for you like this.
I miss your head on my pillow, miss you petting the dog, I miss you dragging me to a boring movie, I miss you talking to your friends on the phone, I miss the light in your eyes when we sip our coffee in the morning. I miss the way your shoes were never in the closet.
So one step forward, I keep going. I try to tell myself to move on. But I still miss your head by mine, I miss talking about the future, I miss you telling me to read more books. My heart is left weak, not time for stumbling, not the days for broken dreams. I struggle to lay down my torch for you.
Every dream, every impression. Every fault, every detail all under control. Every certainty, every approximation. Every scene under supervision. The casualty has taken on the guise of a butterfly that could be love. You have no idea how much I would have loved you, if you had just waited a moment longer. My gestures, my voice, no longer.
colors that could never mix, dreams in bags of ice floating out to sea. Silence that we attacked. We are lovers that never felt spring, that can't make each other laugh. Just venom in our love. We always hid out bad moods. So look at me, and look at you, tell me what you see.
It's that you and I never fit in the same love song. We are A and B.
My eyes are tired of crying, they want to rest. So give me a hug and let's say goodbye, don't try and fix what cannot be fixed.
But me and my armor, I've had to grow strong. I have duel coats, not been trusted with a heart. I'm a sweet piece of work, with good intentions, not perfect, wrongly labeled, treated as a rose when really an orchid. My friends cannot be objective, but truly wanting what's best. Misunderstood, I learn to learn about myself.. I require a special care. So I live in my blind spot, I thought I was usual when I'm not... so this sweet piece of work, I'm high maintenance, different, and deserving of all happiness. I get overwhelmed, I'm unobserved, I've been misread, don't know who I'm supposed to be, but always hoping, never losing hope.
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Still working through...
I still have to close my eyes while the internal storm and numbness sets in.
Despite thinking that I was over it.
When I read that you have moved on and I still stand still with my dirty hands.
I'm left quiet and disturbed.
Numb.
I still want to blame you for everything.
I thought I had a handle on it all.
I thought I had no more emotion.
I thought I was done finally.
But I still want you to hurt like you hurt me.
The return of Saturn.
Despite thinking that I was over it.
When I read that you have moved on and I still stand still with my dirty hands.
I'm left quiet and disturbed.
Numb.
I still want to blame you for everything.
I thought I had a handle on it all.
I thought I had no more emotion.
I thought I was done finally.
But I still want you to hurt like you hurt me.
The return of Saturn.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Still...
I'm still hindered by my own disdane. I wish I could let go, but I have learned that sometimes I'm not meant to be happy in every aspect of my life. Something has to give.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
So I finally have some free time to muse. Sitting at the airport in Omaha waiting for my flight to board, an hour to go.
I'm 29. I want to have goals for this year. I want to start my 30s on a good, solid footing. So many thoughts swirl in my head as to what I want to accomplish by May of next year. I feel like I have a lot already set in motion.
So my goal is in two major areas: I want to get a much better body and I want to get a 3.5 GPA in school this next semester. I have a lot of other goals, but those are big ones because they require a lot of dedication. I will have to sacrifice a lot for them, but looking over the past years that I have spent in my 20s, I feel that I have been extravagant enough. I have had, and enjoyed the good foods, now it's time to be healthy. I have done poorly in school, but now I need to perform, and not only get good grades, but actually learn the information because this is my profession and what I am going to be doing to help people.
I'm 29. I want to have goals for this year. I want to start my 30s on a good, solid footing. So many thoughts swirl in my head as to what I want to accomplish by May of next year. I feel like I have a lot already set in motion.
So my goal is in two major areas: I want to get a much better body and I want to get a 3.5 GPA in school this next semester. I have a lot of other goals, but those are big ones because they require a lot of dedication. I will have to sacrifice a lot for them, but looking over the past years that I have spent in my 20s, I feel that I have been extravagant enough. I have had, and enjoyed the good foods, now it's time to be healthy. I have done poorly in school, but now I need to perform, and not only get good grades, but actually learn the information because this is my profession and what I am going to be doing to help people.
Saturday, June 06, 2009
Writing to write to express to be
The rain came down on the window of the red car. The wipers needed to be replaced. The trees swam by in a blur. It had been hours since leaving the house.
The lights were low. sillouettes darted back and forth. The beat was intoxicating. Pulsating through veins, fibers, tissues. Moving, bouncing, gliding, driving, tapping, snapping, clapping, other hot bodies turning, bending on the floor. Feeling the touch of strangers swaying to the same call, the same rhythm, separate in a mass as one.
I was waiting for you. You told me to be there, to wait there for you. So I waited, in the night. Just one word I wanted to hear. My pain could have been cured. Just one lie broke my soul. Underlying emotions being swept in the waves of out sea. So I leave, I leave without knowing if you ever really kissed me. I can pretend all is peaceful, wonderful, the memories only bring smiles and laughs. But just one gesture brought back my memory, those that now make me cry. You knew me, but never got to know me. I handed you my heart, and you sold it to the wind. I know have my own path, and I leave.
What are you doing? I never was supposed to meet you, so leave. I don't feel safe anymore since you bring out my weaknesses. Maybe I can just pretend that you will love me. Don't let my imagination run away with me. But it just isn't meant to be, not planned. I don't want to feel anything for you, stop making me feel. I was so happy on my own. The world turned over and under, really stop getting any closer to me. You're already making this too hard and complicated. This can't be happening. I run for cover, trouble ensuing. I can't resist you any more, I nearing my point of no return. I'm at bay, a siege, surrounded, I can only give in to survive, I can only try to let you love me since I never had the chance to chose to love you or not. I wish I wasn't so weak, it's all your fault.
The lights were low. sillouettes darted back and forth. The beat was intoxicating. Pulsating through veins, fibers, tissues. Moving, bouncing, gliding, driving, tapping, snapping, clapping, other hot bodies turning, bending on the floor. Feeling the touch of strangers swaying to the same call, the same rhythm, separate in a mass as one.
I was waiting for you. You told me to be there, to wait there for you. So I waited, in the night. Just one word I wanted to hear. My pain could have been cured. Just one lie broke my soul. Underlying emotions being swept in the waves of out sea. So I leave, I leave without knowing if you ever really kissed me. I can pretend all is peaceful, wonderful, the memories only bring smiles and laughs. But just one gesture brought back my memory, those that now make me cry. You knew me, but never got to know me. I handed you my heart, and you sold it to the wind. I know have my own path, and I leave.
What are you doing? I never was supposed to meet you, so leave. I don't feel safe anymore since you bring out my weaknesses. Maybe I can just pretend that you will love me. Don't let my imagination run away with me. But it just isn't meant to be, not planned. I don't want to feel anything for you, stop making me feel. I was so happy on my own. The world turned over and under, really stop getting any closer to me. You're already making this too hard and complicated. This can't be happening. I run for cover, trouble ensuing. I can't resist you any more, I nearing my point of no return. I'm at bay, a siege, surrounded, I can only give in to survive, I can only try to let you love me since I never had the chance to chose to love you or not. I wish I wasn't so weak, it's all your fault.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
I'm trading in my social smile for a taste and smell of something real.
The whirlwind in my head no longer trying to comprehend you or your thoughts.
I accept you how you want me to perceive you.
I understand the work involved, I do it too.
But some things cannot be bought, only given.
I thought it was what I wanted. So badly.
But I have changed my mind.
I try to learn to see the sky. To measure it's blue.
I want to taste the salt of the ocean and appreciate its life.
The strum of a guitar in the night equates peace.
Coloring a paper princess with a future queen at my side.
The text into my brain to lighten my doubts.
My energy is finite. My love infinite.
I hope, I have always hoped,
and I will forever hope. Forever evolve,
forever change, forever question.
Life is here and now. I am here and now.
The whirlwind in my head no longer trying to comprehend you or your thoughts.
I accept you how you want me to perceive you.
I understand the work involved, I do it too.
But some things cannot be bought, only given.
I thought it was what I wanted. So badly.
But I have changed my mind.
I try to learn to see the sky. To measure it's blue.
I want to taste the salt of the ocean and appreciate its life.
The strum of a guitar in the night equates peace.
Coloring a paper princess with a future queen at my side.
The text into my brain to lighten my doubts.
My energy is finite. My love infinite.
I hope, I have always hoped,
and I will forever hope. Forever evolve,
forever change, forever question.
Life is here and now. I am here and now.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
I wish we were talking. I heard this amazing new song today; you'd love it.
The hallway is still, the lights are on and my keys dangling in the doorknob.
The light brush of your hand on my memory.
Were you afraid to fall? Were you scared to fly?
I load the dishwasher, remembering your advice.
I hold the frame for a picture, but there's no camera.
Close your eyes, it's getting late again, but no sleep comes.
Looking under my bed for lost tokens and tickets to ride.
The sun streams though the curtains. Making my walls striped.
Canceling the thoughts before they can impulse my veins.
Imagining what life could be, when I'm back to normal.
I stepped from one roller coaster to another.
Ice in my water, condensation dripping on the table.
I just wasn't prepared for the end of the show.
Let's just get back on and ride the big one, give it all.
But I guess we did, and now it's come to a complete stop.
The hallway is still, the lights are on and my keys dangling in the doorknob.
The light brush of your hand on my memory.
Were you afraid to fall? Were you scared to fly?
I load the dishwasher, remembering your advice.
I hold the frame for a picture, but there's no camera.
Close your eyes, it's getting late again, but no sleep comes.
Looking under my bed for lost tokens and tickets to ride.
The sun streams though the curtains. Making my walls striped.
Canceling the thoughts before they can impulse my veins.
Imagining what life could be, when I'm back to normal.
I stepped from one roller coaster to another.
Ice in my water, condensation dripping on the table.
I just wasn't prepared for the end of the show.
Let's just get back on and ride the big one, give it all.
But I guess we did, and now it's come to a complete stop.
Monday, March 02, 2009
still live to tell
You had to tell me when the sky was blue and clear.
You had to tell me to listen to the music in the breeze.
You told me how to dance to time.
Like a ribbon tied around my senses I kept myself from living.
I waited for the clouds to part rather than enjoy the rain.
I stayed on the ground not trusting my balance.
The illusions came, you presented them to me.
I looked into them, into your eyes and believed.
Soon they faded, you no longer played your charade.
You left me weak and a mess. I forgot who I was.
I departed from you, but always turning to look back.
I wasn't ready.
Who were you to affect me so much?
Who were you that I handed my soul over to you?
Who was I that I let go so easily?
But now I see on my own, I hear on my own again.
I am happy to feel and sense on my own again.
A lesson you are still teaching, I am still learning.
But I recognize, and remember. I am still learning of myself.
I am not afriad to fall again, it will happen, I am only human.
I am not afraid to love again, I am human afterall.
Caution is now guilded in my actions, for I am still new.
Action is my plan, and walking, running, loving, laughing.
With myself, with another, but fully with myself.
You had to tell me to listen to the music in the breeze.
You told me how to dance to time.
Like a ribbon tied around my senses I kept myself from living.
I waited for the clouds to part rather than enjoy the rain.
I stayed on the ground not trusting my balance.
The illusions came, you presented them to me.
I looked into them, into your eyes and believed.
Soon they faded, you no longer played your charade.
You left me weak and a mess. I forgot who I was.
I departed from you, but always turning to look back.
I wasn't ready.
Who were you to affect me so much?
Who were you that I handed my soul over to you?
Who was I that I let go so easily?
But now I see on my own, I hear on my own again.
I am happy to feel and sense on my own again.
A lesson you are still teaching, I am still learning.
But I recognize, and remember. I am still learning of myself.
I am not afriad to fall again, it will happen, I am only human.
I am not afraid to love again, I am human afterall.
Caution is now guilded in my actions, for I am still new.
Action is my plan, and walking, running, loving, laughing.
With myself, with another, but fully with myself.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Finishing Thoughts
No longer do you ask to be excused.
You just leave.
You don't speak of you and me.
The excuses were here before you were.
You don't look at me like you used to.
I need to ask you to let me be.
I need time.
You still hurt here inside.
No one can live with such venom.
You should recognize by now when you have begun to break a heart.
You do is so well.
I hope that you still hope for hope.
But patience has gone to my feet.
I flood myself in unconcious gestures,
painting on my smile. looking without seeing.
Waiting for your absence.
No one can live such a life.
The hope your love gave me I never felt before.
No one can die from this venom,
only slowly go mad.
I need you to just leave,
and please let me be.
You still hurt inside me where you dwell.
You should stop breaking hearts.
You just leave.
You don't speak of you and me.
The excuses were here before you were.
You don't look at me like you used to.
I need to ask you to let me be.
I need time.
You still hurt here inside.
No one can live with such venom.
You should recognize by now when you have begun to break a heart.
You do is so well.
I hope that you still hope for hope.
But patience has gone to my feet.
I flood myself in unconcious gestures,
painting on my smile. looking without seeing.
Waiting for your absence.
No one can live such a life.
The hope your love gave me I never felt before.
No one can die from this venom,
only slowly go mad.
I need you to just leave,
and please let me be.
You still hurt inside me where you dwell.
You should stop breaking hearts.
Monday, February 16, 2009
warm
The grey sky fit my stomach. I watched the drops of rain sprinkling from the sky. The world seemed to hold it's breath, watching the few drops of water fall.
I put on my coat and walked out into the misty silence. The clouds were low in the sky. No one was out, it was barely light. The first rays of the sun caught this delicate closing to a ferocious night.
The morning was cool, the desert drinking in all the liquid. The rain picked up some but I didn't mind. My mind was in the clouds. Just as quickly as it had started the rain backed off to the light drizzle. The light few stronger and the clouds showed signs of thinning.
I wanted to freeze the world. I wasn't ready for the sunlight. I wasn't ready for my clouds to lift. I broke into a jog, the purpose of this outing. I wasn't ready to let go. So much happened so quickly that I wasn't ready to let it go. I was happy, I was building a life, I was ready to feel something new. But just as quickly as it started, it ended.
The sun broke in thin streams through the clouds. The rain had stopped. I stopped and looked up to the sky. The silence of the world around me enveloped me. It stopped the clamor in my head. I breathed and began to walk, then to jog.
Things were good for me. I knew this was all for the best, all for my better.
I put on my coat and walked out into the misty silence. The clouds were low in the sky. No one was out, it was barely light. The first rays of the sun caught this delicate closing to a ferocious night.
The morning was cool, the desert drinking in all the liquid. The rain picked up some but I didn't mind. My mind was in the clouds. Just as quickly as it had started the rain backed off to the light drizzle. The light few stronger and the clouds showed signs of thinning.
I wanted to freeze the world. I wasn't ready for the sunlight. I wasn't ready for my clouds to lift. I broke into a jog, the purpose of this outing. I wasn't ready to let go. So much happened so quickly that I wasn't ready to let it go. I was happy, I was building a life, I was ready to feel something new. But just as quickly as it started, it ended.
The sun broke in thin streams through the clouds. The rain had stopped. I stopped and looked up to the sky. The silence of the world around me enveloped me. It stopped the clamor in my head. I breathed and began to walk, then to jog.
Things were good for me. I knew this was all for the best, all for my better.
Friday, February 13, 2009
It's funny how the past blurs the tears and pain.
It's funny how I can't remember much of the bad,
the good is what my mind recalls.
All the times I would wait for you to come around.
All the times I waited for you.
I wonder, did you really want to live that way?
Did you want to hurt me?
Why are you running away?
Maybe someday I'll look back and see
you never meant to be cruel.
It's just that someone hurt you too.
It's funny how I can't remember much of the bad,
the good is what my mind recalls.
All the times I would wait for you to come around.
All the times I waited for you.
I wonder, did you really want to live that way?
Did you want to hurt me?
Why are you running away?
Maybe someday I'll look back and see
you never meant to be cruel.
It's just that someone hurt you too.
I tell myself
It's okay to remember the good times,
and the bad.
It's okay to remember laughter,
and tears.
It's okay to think of eyes lighting up.
Keep your head held high,
Don't look behind, life isn't fair.
It's okay to run away fast,
but also okay to kiss goodbye.
It's okay to cry when you stumble and fall.
It's okay to cry out in the night.
No more tears, it will be alright.
Fight to be strong, and understand fear is okay too.
It's time to forget the past
and learn to forgive.
Promise to try.
Memories may play games with your mind.
Faded smiles frozen in time.
Hang on, promise to try.
and the bad.
It's okay to remember laughter,
and tears.
It's okay to think of eyes lighting up.
Keep your head held high,
Don't look behind, life isn't fair.
It's okay to run away fast,
but also okay to kiss goodbye.
It's okay to cry when you stumble and fall.
It's okay to cry out in the night.
No more tears, it will be alright.
Fight to be strong, and understand fear is okay too.
It's time to forget the past
and learn to forgive.
Promise to try.
Memories may play games with your mind.
Faded smiles frozen in time.
Hang on, promise to try.
rinse and repeat
Day one. Day one again.
I feel like I start over each day.
I box up yesterday.
Store it in a corner,
or throw it out.
Forward is a slow process,
but standing still isn't an option.
I close my eyes and remember the good,
the great of my life.
Why should I feel sad?
For what I never had?
But all that I do have surrounds me, and is abundant.
It is enough. More than enough.
I am blessed.
So day one is here again.
I chose to go on, go on.
Standing still is not an option.
I feel like I start over each day.
I box up yesterday.
Store it in a corner,
or throw it out.
Forward is a slow process,
but standing still isn't an option.
I close my eyes and remember the good,
the great of my life.
Why should I feel sad?
For what I never had?
But all that I do have surrounds me, and is abundant.
It is enough. More than enough.
I am blessed.
So day one is here again.
I chose to go on, go on.
Standing still is not an option.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
still here
Heal. I hate that word because it usually means that there's pain involved. My mind is all over the place. I don't know what I feel any more. I'm tired of feeling bad. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm just tired of not being over Matt. He has moved on. Calls me the "ex who still has feelings." He is so over me it's like we never had a past together in his head.
So now I heal. I need to focus on me. I focus on my life. I went for a run. I will do homework tonight. I will go to bed. Wake up and do a little homework and go to the gym. Then work, come home and do more homework. I need Ryan time. I don't want much contact with him. I need me own space for awhile.
So now I heal. I need to focus on me. I focus on my life. I went for a run. I will do homework tonight. I will go to bed. Wake up and do a little homework and go to the gym. Then work, come home and do more homework. I need Ryan time. I don't want much contact with him. I need me own space for awhile.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
still, after this much time...
My mind still wanders to Matt and tries to understand what I'm not meant to understand. I still want to know why he let me go. But I know. I want to know why he feels the way he feels, and why he can't feel the way I want him to. I want him to like me still.
But so much of it feels like a dream that happened a long time ago. We have worked on building a new friendship. I do view him as my friend. But there is still some past of the old Matt that I dated that returns to my mind and makes me wish he were back, whatever he was to me.
It's more meta-physical, like a memory that I had of something good and I remember wanting that, and so I want it back because that's how I remember it. But when I think of Matt, I don't want him back because I guess I have moved on from him. I'm happy with the friendship, with how things have turned out. But there's still that empty that I remember he filled and so I sometimes wish for him to fill it again.
There was a lot of bad that I put up with. But it's funny how I forget that part.
But it's obvious that we did the best for us. He needs to be alone, and I need to remember that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel for me.
The other night, I asked him if he had any residual feelings for me. He said that he felt bad and didn't want to answer. I said he needed to tell me the truth because I needed to hear it. He said that he is checked-out on guys all together. That he just cannot feel any deep emotion for anyone right now.
I then asked why he dated me. He said because I was everything that he could want, and his head said to date me, and he wanted to like me, and he wanted to be in a healthy relationship, but his heart just never felt it.
His heart was never into me.
I want, I deserve someone who is into me both mind, body, and heart.
So in the end, I don't want Matt, I don't want what he had to offer because it wasn't much.
But sometimes I still want that hole in my heart to be filled, and right now I remember the memory of when it was filled, and it was him filling it, and so in that sense, I still miss him.
But so much of it feels like a dream that happened a long time ago. We have worked on building a new friendship. I do view him as my friend. But there is still some past of the old Matt that I dated that returns to my mind and makes me wish he were back, whatever he was to me.
It's more meta-physical, like a memory that I had of something good and I remember wanting that, and so I want it back because that's how I remember it. But when I think of Matt, I don't want him back because I guess I have moved on from him. I'm happy with the friendship, with how things have turned out. But there's still that empty that I remember he filled and so I sometimes wish for him to fill it again.
There was a lot of bad that I put up with. But it's funny how I forget that part.
But it's obvious that we did the best for us. He needs to be alone, and I need to remember that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel for me.
The other night, I asked him if he had any residual feelings for me. He said that he felt bad and didn't want to answer. I said he needed to tell me the truth because I needed to hear it. He said that he is checked-out on guys all together. That he just cannot feel any deep emotion for anyone right now.
I then asked why he dated me. He said because I was everything that he could want, and his head said to date me, and he wanted to like me, and he wanted to be in a healthy relationship, but his heart just never felt it.
His heart was never into me.
I want, I deserve someone who is into me both mind, body, and heart.
So in the end, I don't want Matt, I don't want what he had to offer because it wasn't much.
But sometimes I still want that hole in my heart to be filled, and right now I remember the memory of when it was filled, and it was him filling it, and so in that sense, I still miss him.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Still Trying to put it in the Past
I stumble under the weight.
I try to put it in the past.
But I keep holding on to this illusion.
I'm not ready to try and live without you.
But I'm tired of feeling this pain,
What good does it do me now?
I want to let go, no longer slip into your memory.
I want to fly away and feel the sun on my face.
But all I can feel is the shadow of your absence.
I guess I need more time to figure it out.
Part of me still beleives that you'll come back.
Part of me still believes that we will work it out.
Part of me wants to cry out for your return.
But I need to say goodbye to you, as my lover, forever.
I'm tired of feeling this pain,
what good does it do me now?
I'll get it all figured out it time.
I try to put it in the past.
But I keep holding on to this illusion.
I'm not ready to try and live without you.
But I'm tired of feeling this pain,
What good does it do me now?
I want to let go, no longer slip into your memory.
I want to fly away and feel the sun on my face.
But all I can feel is the shadow of your absence.
I guess I need more time to figure it out.
Part of me still beleives that you'll come back.
Part of me still believes that we will work it out.
Part of me wants to cry out for your return.
But I need to say goodbye to you, as my lover, forever.
I'm tired of feeling this pain,
what good does it do me now?
I'll get it all figured out it time.
Monday, February 02, 2009
So now I learn to let go of our relationship, let go of the good times and bad times we shared as lovers, but I tell myself to look forward to the friendship we can now build... funny that I got my wish of being able to still be in his life as a friend. I'm happy and should be glad, as it could have been much worse. I might have never had the chance to try and love him, and I wouldn't have known his worth, and how beautiful he is both inside and out. And I learned more about my worth.
I know there's someone out there waiting for me... be it someone new, or a new Matt who has learned about himself, progressed, and can now give himself to a relationship, I don't know. But I know that everything happens for a reason and I will go forward with faith.
I know there's someone out there waiting for me... be it someone new, or a new Matt who has learned about himself, progressed, and can now give himself to a relationship, I don't know. But I know that everything happens for a reason and I will go forward with faith.
raw words expressing raw emotions
M and I had lunch yesterday. I told him that I still wasn't over him and wasn't ready for things to end. I also told him that I understand though that they need to be over, or we cannot be romantically linked right now. I told him that I understand that friends is best for where he and I are at in out lives.
It still hurts to think of him as just a friend when I was wanting so much more. And I still do. But with time the pain will wane and eventually go away.
He opened up that he isn't happy with where he is in life right now. He still needs to get over his ex, he needs to get his life in order.
I said that I will be there to help out, to be a friend, a shoulder to cry on and someone to laugh with. I miss my Matty but I know that this is for the better, despite the pain I feel right now. I am prepared to make that sacrifice to be his friend.
So I need to say goodbye to Matty my lover, say thank you for the good times and the bad because I learned from there. But still say goodbye to the past. Bye Matt, I will miss you as my lover, but I look forward to building a good, healthy friendship with you.
So I say goodbye, lower my head and close my eyes. And I open them and look up to see you still there, as a friend in my life. Thank you Matty.
It still hurts to think of him as just a friend when I was wanting so much more. And I still do. But with time the pain will wane and eventually go away.
He opened up that he isn't happy with where he is in life right now. He still needs to get over his ex, he needs to get his life in order.
I said that I will be there to help out, to be a friend, a shoulder to cry on and someone to laugh with. I miss my Matty but I know that this is for the better, despite the pain I feel right now. I am prepared to make that sacrifice to be his friend.
So I need to say goodbye to Matty my lover, say thank you for the good times and the bad because I learned from there. But still say goodbye to the past. Bye Matt, I will miss you as my lover, but I look forward to building a good, healthy friendship with you.
So I say goodbye, lower my head and close my eyes. And I open them and look up to see you still there, as a friend in my life. Thank you Matty.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thoughts about where I am
I don't think I want to do anything this Friday night with anyone. I feel like I should do some homework and then go to bed. I'm tired. I have had a productive day as far as house tasks, but have done no homework yet. I need to get to that.
But I was walking out to my car when a realization seemed to unload into my head all at once. I realized that these past two weeks of M and I being broken up have been so good for me. I say good because they have forced me to focus on myself. I have had to do things with me to keep busy and keep my mind of the absence of M in my life. I have gotten reacquainted with who I am again and what I want.
The realization was that I was running full force towards a life with Matt, I was running to him, but I was running away from me. He wanted to move slow, and yet after two months I began to think how soon it would be before I could convince him to move in together. Two months. I think I scared him off. I think that he was feeling suffocated. I think he was feeling like he was drowning. I think he was feeling like he was getting in way over his head, and it was me who was causing him.
I've taken a step back and find that I need time for myself. I need to focus on school, gym, making sure I'm where I need to be. That takes time and energy. I was focusing on Matt and putting too much too soon into him, into us.
The realization also showed that he isn't to blame completely. I was pushing for something he wasn't ready for mentally or emotionally. I scared him off. He couldn't keep up with me. He wasn't ready to lose himself in a relationship with me. And I'm grateful he didn't because I see that I wasn't healthy.
Entering a future relationship, I need to remember to take time for me, especially at the beginning. I bull-dozed too quickly into M's life and I see now that it's not that his heart wasn't opening for me, it just wasn't opening as quickly as I was forcing it to. So he had to make the decision to call it off. He was looking out for himself. He was just doing what he felt was best.
I'm happy with who I am, but still get insecure. I still avoid things, I still run from things. I still have to learn more about myself. I'm not afraid of a relationship, but I'm afraid of how I handle them. I don't like how I get caught up in what I cannot see, but the ideas in my head. I get afraid of myself in a relationship. Of course I will date again when the right boy comes along and I feel inclined to do so, but for now I am really loving myself, in the sense that I've been to the gym four times this week, been studying, eating healthy.
I'm happy. My happiness weighed on M when we were dating. And that thought scares me. I should thank him next I see him. I still do care for him a lot. But it's so plain to me now that I was more of the problem than I had thought. I'm happy I can see this, so that I correct myself and work on being me, remembering myself, and remembering that individuality is an essential element in a relationship.
But I was walking out to my car when a realization seemed to unload into my head all at once. I realized that these past two weeks of M and I being broken up have been so good for me. I say good because they have forced me to focus on myself. I have had to do things with me to keep busy and keep my mind of the absence of M in my life. I have gotten reacquainted with who I am again and what I want.
The realization was that I was running full force towards a life with Matt, I was running to him, but I was running away from me. He wanted to move slow, and yet after two months I began to think how soon it would be before I could convince him to move in together. Two months. I think I scared him off. I think that he was feeling suffocated. I think he was feeling like he was drowning. I think he was feeling like he was getting in way over his head, and it was me who was causing him.
I've taken a step back and find that I need time for myself. I need to focus on school, gym, making sure I'm where I need to be. That takes time and energy. I was focusing on Matt and putting too much too soon into him, into us.
The realization also showed that he isn't to blame completely. I was pushing for something he wasn't ready for mentally or emotionally. I scared him off. He couldn't keep up with me. He wasn't ready to lose himself in a relationship with me. And I'm grateful he didn't because I see that I wasn't healthy.
Entering a future relationship, I need to remember to take time for me, especially at the beginning. I bull-dozed too quickly into M's life and I see now that it's not that his heart wasn't opening for me, it just wasn't opening as quickly as I was forcing it to. So he had to make the decision to call it off. He was looking out for himself. He was just doing what he felt was best.
I'm happy with who I am, but still get insecure. I still avoid things, I still run from things. I still have to learn more about myself. I'm not afraid of a relationship, but I'm afraid of how I handle them. I don't like how I get caught up in what I cannot see, but the ideas in my head. I get afraid of myself in a relationship. Of course I will date again when the right boy comes along and I feel inclined to do so, but for now I am really loving myself, in the sense that I've been to the gym four times this week, been studying, eating healthy.
I'm happy. My happiness weighed on M when we were dating. And that thought scares me. I should thank him next I see him. I still do care for him a lot. But it's so plain to me now that I was more of the problem than I had thought. I'm happy I can see this, so that I correct myself and work on being me, remembering myself, and remembering that individuality is an essential element in a relationship.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I want to just put the past behind me. I've learned from it and that is its purpose. I want to move on, leaving the pain, the anger, the sadness, I want to leave it all behind me and keep my focus on the road ahead.
Since he and I ended, I no longer take sleeping aides. I get up early again. I am going to the gym and eating more healthy. I remember that I forget myself in a relationship and need to work on my self-esteem. I have been studying a lot more for classes. I have become closer with my family, I have recognized the importance of good friends in my life.
I am happy. I still feel sad, anger, but much much less, and soon I will be over it and ready to move on, and be myself again.
Since he and I ended, I no longer take sleeping aides. I get up early again. I am going to the gym and eating more healthy. I remember that I forget myself in a relationship and need to work on my self-esteem. I have been studying a lot more for classes. I have become closer with my family, I have recognized the importance of good friends in my life.
I am happy. I still feel sad, anger, but much much less, and soon I will be over it and ready to move on, and be myself again.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Not just for Gemini
Before she died at the age of 101, photographer Ruth Bernhard attributed her longevity to her restlessness. "Never get used to anything," she advised.
I recommend that approach to you right now, Gemini. You're in a phase of your astrological cycle when thinking big and wild and free will be rewarded.
To improve your physical health and boost your mental hygiene, unfamiliarize yourself with the people and things you've grown accustomed to. Sneak away from your habits. Disrupt and tamper with your normal responses. Find good excuses to be unpredictable.
I recommend that approach to you right now, Gemini. You're in a phase of your astrological cycle when thinking big and wild and free will be rewarded.
To improve your physical health and boost your mental hygiene, unfamiliarize yourself with the people and things you've grown accustomed to. Sneak away from your habits. Disrupt and tamper with your normal responses. Find good excuses to be unpredictable.
ready for enough
Quiet in the morning.
The window with just a faint glow, just enough light.
The early of day surrounds my senses.
That faint knot in my stomach stretches and yawns.
I get out of bed and to my tasks.
Plan the day, today is a day.
Ready for change, ready for life.
Scared of myself, scared of the empty,
but tired and ready to accept incomplete.
I can't sit still any longer.
The knot in my stomach,
the knot of my past,
will be let go.
This is a day.
I know what I want.
I know what I need.
I take this day.
Not yet looking forward,
and tired of the past,
today is my day.
The window with just a faint glow, just enough light.
The early of day surrounds my senses.
That faint knot in my stomach stretches and yawns.
I get out of bed and to my tasks.
Plan the day, today is a day.
Ready for change, ready for life.
Scared of myself, scared of the empty,
but tired and ready to accept incomplete.
I can't sit still any longer.
The knot in my stomach,
the knot of my past,
will be let go.
This is a day.
I know what I want.
I know what I need.
I take this day.
Not yet looking forward,
and tired of the past,
today is my day.
Monday, January 26, 2009
wishing I wasn't so affected
The evening is quiet. I think about you.
I miss your smell, your style, the way you form your words.
I think of how you look at me.
These are the things that I miss.
Now I enter a time not for the weak.
I've stood at the top of a tower and dreamt from the fields.
Why I let myself think I'd take you in my arms.
Traveling to that land not many have let me go.
I wonder what you do in your free time now.
I lay down my torch.
I lay down my sword.
I lay down my shield.
I lay down my heart.
I lay down my abandonment.
I lay down my breath.
I lay down my thoughts.
I lay down.
Five story fire. What a game we played.
What a mess we made.
What a fool I was.
What a mess I was.
A design I placed in the stars, but only to flush out with water.
I miss your smell, your style, the way you form your words.
I think of how you look at me.
These are the things that I miss.
Now I enter a time not for the weak.
I've stood at the top of a tower and dreamt from the fields.
Why I let myself think I'd take you in my arms.
Traveling to that land not many have let me go.
I wonder what you do in your free time now.
I lay down my torch.
I lay down my sword.
I lay down my shield.
I lay down my heart.
I lay down my abandonment.
I lay down my breath.
I lay down my thoughts.
I lay down.
Five story fire. What a game we played.
What a mess we made.
What a fool I was.
What a mess I was.
A design I placed in the stars, but only to flush out with water.
A new start, but remembering the past
As Madonna says, "Say goodbye to not knowing when the truth in my whole life began... and I'll remember the way that you changed me..."
I try to remember many things everyday of my life: How much my family loves me, trying to focus on the positive of a break-up, that I need to study more for the test next week, etc. But I know that I'm no longer a guest in my own life. It's mine and I finally feel like I have the strength to reach out and grab it, and take it back.
But the road has been long, and I've had to sit down many times, and I've gotten lost and given up many times. But I'm happy. I can say that I am happy with where I am in life right now. I still see a road ahead of me, many opportunities to learn, grow, stumble, laugh, and cry.
But that is life and I wouldn't want it any other way.
I went to a funeral of a close family friend this past weekend. She had a difficult, but good life. As we all do. But the thought that stayed close to me the whole weekend was that life is too short for grudges, hate, dislike, and all the things that in the end, only hurt the bearer.
It was important for my family to know me, know who I am. So I came out to my sister. We had been close growing up, but when I finally figured that girls just didn't make the mark, I closed her from my life, fearing that she would reject me. I need her and her family in my life. No one else seems to get me life she does. No one else can discuss growing up and how we felt and the trials we went though, and the good times we shared. No one else listens to my problems and rantings and then she vents and then gets mad when I won't just listen, she needs to get things off her chest and be heard, so she teaches me to just listen. I love that we are really talking again. I love that we can bare our souls and know that the other is just as vulnerable. I love having my sister in my life again.
I recently broke up with a man I thought I could start planning a life with. He wasn't ready. I mourn that I can no longer hold a great, beautiful man in my arms and call him lover, but I keep my eyes and thoughts fixed that one day I may hold this great, beautiful man in my arms and call him friend. I wasn't ready to let him go. I'm still holding on to him. But each day I'm learning to let go of the illusion we can posses. Each day I let him go a little more, and for now I travel in stillness. But I'll remember him, I'll remember happiness.
So I lift my head up and look toward the sun, and know that I must follow my heart. In this time of confusion and change, it's a very good place to start.
So to begin, I have decided that this is the year, my last full year in my 20s, and I am going to do what I keep not doing... haha.
I'm going to get in shape. I'm going to be more professional at work. I bought new pants and shirts for work so that can be a little more dressy, but still not too dressy. ;)
I want to change my image and start to be more classy. I want to be dapper at times.
Each day I hope to get a little more closer to who I am.
I try to remember many things everyday of my life: How much my family loves me, trying to focus on the positive of a break-up, that I need to study more for the test next week, etc. But I know that I'm no longer a guest in my own life. It's mine and I finally feel like I have the strength to reach out and grab it, and take it back.
But the road has been long, and I've had to sit down many times, and I've gotten lost and given up many times. But I'm happy. I can say that I am happy with where I am in life right now. I still see a road ahead of me, many opportunities to learn, grow, stumble, laugh, and cry.
But that is life and I wouldn't want it any other way.
I went to a funeral of a close family friend this past weekend. She had a difficult, but good life. As we all do. But the thought that stayed close to me the whole weekend was that life is too short for grudges, hate, dislike, and all the things that in the end, only hurt the bearer.
It was important for my family to know me, know who I am. So I came out to my sister. We had been close growing up, but when I finally figured that girls just didn't make the mark, I closed her from my life, fearing that she would reject me. I need her and her family in my life. No one else seems to get me life she does. No one else can discuss growing up and how we felt and the trials we went though, and the good times we shared. No one else listens to my problems and rantings and then she vents and then gets mad when I won't just listen, she needs to get things off her chest and be heard, so she teaches me to just listen. I love that we are really talking again. I love that we can bare our souls and know that the other is just as vulnerable. I love having my sister in my life again.
I recently broke up with a man I thought I could start planning a life with. He wasn't ready. I mourn that I can no longer hold a great, beautiful man in my arms and call him lover, but I keep my eyes and thoughts fixed that one day I may hold this great, beautiful man in my arms and call him friend. I wasn't ready to let him go. I'm still holding on to him. But each day I'm learning to let go of the illusion we can posses. Each day I let him go a little more, and for now I travel in stillness. But I'll remember him, I'll remember happiness.
So I lift my head up and look toward the sun, and know that I must follow my heart. In this time of confusion and change, it's a very good place to start.
So to begin, I have decided that this is the year, my last full year in my 20s, and I am going to do what I keep not doing... haha.
I'm going to get in shape. I'm going to be more professional at work. I bought new pants and shirts for work so that can be a little more dressy, but still not too dressy. ;)
I want to change my image and start to be more classy. I want to be dapper at times.
Each day I hope to get a little more closer to who I am.
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