lifting the work of giants

The music quiets, just a beat. Build. It was too much. The man couldn't take it. it was bound to break. sooner or later. you were all I could trust. I was facing the world and dark days alone. all ran away. but you're still here. but you're still here. when it all falls down. all ran away. but you're still here.
I'm scared tonight. But you're still by my side. The world is cold. Could we really grow old with each other? This far, with all men struggling for themselves, all seems to go to hell and dust. What do we have. You show me love, you show me us, we build a new song. You're scared tonight, I'm still by your side. just 2 souls.

I guess it made me feel

I watched a movie that was stupid. But really, actually a good movie. Right now. It just made me feel that ache in my heart that I know all too well. (Am I still processing that break-up that is now almost 1 year in the past, more if you count when we stopped loving).

Up in Alaska. Sometimes I feel like the world is turning and I'm not part of it. Scares me. But up here is where I am right now.

I found chasing shadows. Shakira song. Makes me think of the drive up to Alaska.

Arizona red runs in my blue veins
sometimes I get home sick. I'm ready to go back. Really ready to be with my people and my land.

All this time, still falling out of love

I don't remember, CW, if I ever really loved you. But I know I felt something real for you. I won't say that now I'm strong after all these years. I can't say I'm no longer hurt. But I can say that I try to see from your angle and it was I who had to go. You had to let me go. I was poison and only poisoning you. I had to go learn. I'm still learning, but still falling out of love. You'll always be special to me. You were there during those impressionable years when I was young and learning who I was and where I was and what I was. God help me to still learn those enigmas. I don't know how to approach you, I don't know how to say I'm sorry since I still feel I left so much destruction behind me. I listen to the Nightbird and remember I'll Fly with You.
and then
the thought of you moving on without me. the thought that I'm not anything to you. you moved on and I still pine over this. I still struggle. I still can't learn to let you go. I still hold to the illusion of could have been.

well, that was a nice, cathartic stroll down some memories... now back to the regularly scheduled programs...

What happened?

At this point I feel like my hopes and dreams are leaking out slowly. It's a phase. I need to re-charge. But right now I feel sad, I feel bad, I'm in a bad mood and I know I can feel this way. It's normal to have moments of sadness. I hope.

Wunderkind

A long time ago, when I was younger - much younger - I used to feel like my life had a melody to it. It seemed that there was always a happy tune playing somewhere in some sphere that I couldn't sense but a metaphysical auditory sensation. Life was easy. I had troubles, but they all seemed like nothing some good thought and hard work wouldn't clear up (that's still how I feel about most obstacles these days too, but my energy is waning and I'm not sure I've had a good thought in years). The music seemed to be everyday, but I only ever noticed it's presence when it was gone. For a few years afterwards I don't think I heard any of it, or had a time when I noticed it's absence. But the past few years it's come and gone. This isn't to bemoan it's current departure, but to rejoice that I feel that there are moments that it has returned.

Ignorance is not bliss

Like most of the country, or those with souls, I am heartbroken with the amount of violence and terror that is rampaging in this world. It comes without warning, its wake is tears - but as long as it's far away it's just a sad, sad story.
We're all made of flesh and blood, why should others be treated differently? Why does it matter who you love. Love is love.
Loss of words.

I wanted to post about the amazing hike I had today, and I still will. Moving on with life and not letting the fear and retaliated anger pollute and mar my mind is my response to the hate.

A.M. bien

It was the wrong time we met and fell for each other. But it seemed okay despite all the wrong staring at us. It was only for a moment that we shared the universe and slept in the stars and floated on clouds. Then quickly it was over. Real life shook it's head at us. Then you started to wander into your past. I still held on to that same star-lit night when we were up in the stars. I should leave. But I have a firm grip on hope. Though that hope as let go of it's grip on me.

There was no interaction. He wasn't here. He was here, but still only wanted to talk to him. I thought we could spend some time together. He never really did much for me anyway. This is usual I guess.

The smoke in the road has hidden all his tracks. It's over. It's over. Where are you going now friend? Why is it dark around here. Why must I bleed to catch your attention? Believe that I am bleeding. But you're still lost in the smoke in the road.

A recurring theme would be disappointment. You wouldn't have done, you couldn't have done. This thing that defines the rest. I hope you find your way. And it won't get any higher, but just boils down to what you did then.

Hoy, al viejo cuento se rompo. No se si puedo oyer ni escribir. no fui capaz, me perdí en mi misma. siguiendo tu diablo azul y fiel. otras cosas que veo.

Well here she comes. acting like she needs all this attention only to pull a knife out and slit my throat.  what a thief of hearts. you'll be sorry. little miss think she can have what she wants in the blink of an eye. Turn your back and she's off with your guy.

be careful with  my heart. don't take me for granted. things may change. I go insane, and play your fool. I'll never be the same with you gone. cuidado, me siento algo desnudo.  be careful and don't take my love for granted. I'm insane. I'm your fool and you play me like your fool. I try to just understand from the dark you have kept me in.  I tried to reach out to you. take your head in my hands, kiss your eyes and sing you to sleep. the voice of an angel. here is my heart, please to keep it.

every fault. every impression. every detail, everything under control. every truth, every approximation. every scene under supervision. The casualty is putting a guise of a butterfly that will fly away and leave us bare in the sun. You can't even imagine how I would have been, if you'd have just waited 1 second longer with you love. my gestures and voice, my kisses, they are gone.  The butterfly has flown away again. it's effect has come to look for reality. I just can only write hoping to not be heard again.

He didn't come again. I was waiting at the bar near some new aquantences. I was hoping to have just a moment with him. There were words about some grand meeting. I wouldn't have to renounce any glories. but the night aged on, and the bar grew quiet. and I haven't learned anything. just tears and sadness in my looks I give to the moon and stars. the song isn't sung and I don't have the desires to even try anymore. So I leave without even saying good bye.

You're a little late. I'm already torn. I see now what is here and no longer the holy light. you want to move on with out me. so many things I can't process but I see them now. They are here in my face. Illusion is all it was. never anything real.

Emotional, Still

I think... I think I might finally be getting out of the funk that I've been in for awhile now. It's been disheartening to see him move on without me. He is done with me. We are just friends in his eyes. I hurt; though my head comprehends, my heart is miles behind the time frame. Possibly it's been this weekend of moping and ignoring and distancing that has helped me to at least recognize where I am in this mess and how I'm feeling about it.



But I still reserve the right to feel bad about it.



Remember, I tried. I tried to love this love until there was nothing more. Despite my heart hurting because of this failed love. I tried. That in and of itself is a ray of light on this dark circumstance I'm in. Remember that I tried.

I'm really not sure right now

It's been a few months. I don't know if I'm just starting or at the end of it.
I get angry, apathetic, frustrated, happy, sad, content all at once. Or the emotions seem to race through my veins, all fighting for their turn in my brain and to occupy my thoughts. I don't regret and everything is as it should be, I trust that feeling. But I guess this is the grieving process. It's not supposed to happen and resolve in 8 easy steps or after a paragraph of woes. So this is me here, where I am right now.
Currently I'm not feeling angry, thought I'm avoiding my phone it's text messages. He asked me to remember that I'm moving out. And then disappeared for three days. I held my breath and got lost in coffee rings. Then moved on, but came back. It's a circle. But I don't want it back. I think this is how I'm reacting to the change. At least that's my best guess. I see instagrams of past crushes and see him and his beautiful boyfriend still lost in the giddy and happy of love. I wonder if he and I could have ever felt that. Or would it end since I'd be in the duo? I guess I'm in my pessimistic phase currently. Give me 3 minutes, it'll pass.

I'll Remember

Those songs that time-travel you to a distinct time and place in your past.

And so now

This is the part where it's going to take some time to feel again. Well, feel normal again. I was happy for the freedom, but now that it's a Friday night and the ex is out with his ?new flame? and I'm at home because I have to work in the morning and I feel like the world has turned and forgot to take me with it. So I handle this with some Cranberries in the headphones and realize that I chose this. I knew it was going to be over. I knew that I'd have to start over brand new. I knew there would be limited people here. But work is so good. My people there are great. I will make friends, this is just the point where I need to really focus on me. Get me back to where I derailed back in my early 20s.  Not that I'm unhappy, I just feel like I parted from where and what I knew I should do and the such. I don't regret but it's put me "behind" some.

finest hours?

I saw the film The Finest Hours and it was good. It made me think that when the guys were on the ship if at one point they'd say, "I'm old enough, the young ones first." Well I never heard that because it was happy and everyone was going to live, but it made me think. And my thoughts were, what would I do, and the most powerful thought, I'm at that age where I may need to step back and let the younger guys do their thing. Not like right now, but if I were on a boat and only so many people could live, then I may be one of the older guys. Makes my head swim with thoughts.

It's been 8

Almost 8 months here in Anchorage and I feel like I'm still just 2 weeks in. Wow. So with more time to process it, yes, processing that FA finally broke up with me. I was going to do it in March, or April, or some time convenient for myself, but he beat me to the punch and I'm happy he did. The feelings of disdain, all the wrong he was doing - it all flew out the window. I was shocked in that he did it so soon. He usually let things die out on their own, his words. And he finally ended something that wasn't healthy. Good. So. Now what do I do with myself?

We shall see, that is the question of this new year, new life. 2 years with Fa, and I forget how to be single

And so it goes...

Well, he did it. He finally pulled the plug on us and we are no more. I was planning for this to happen, but A) I was going to be the one to be the plug puller and B) I wasn't ready for it to happen so soon. But this is good. This is good that he did it. He was finally ready to express his feelings and confess that he just isn't in a place to be in a relationship with me. He understood that it wasn't fair for me and I had been patient enough so it was time he stopped living in his world of complacency and comfort and pushed the house down. And I'm good. I'm happy that he finally came to those terms. I feel like him being the one to actually end it hopefully helped him to go places emotionally with himself of what he needs and what needs to occur for him to feel something.
Back to me.
Like I said, I was planning on this anyway, just a little shocked at the quickness that it unraveled; and happy and sad. We are now just roommates and that is nice to have a nice bed all to myself. He has been gracious to let me have the master room and said there is no time frame from which to work, but I feel that being out of the apt into my own space in a month or so will be good for us both. It will help the transition. But right now, so much change, I need to take it a little at a time. So the month or two that we'll be roommates will also be good for me. I feel that I still feel for him. ;)

to be so strong

I’ve fought so hard to not lose a piece of me, but being with you I see that I’m sacrificing a different piece of me.  This voice inside has been eating at me, I can no longer embrace this beautiful picture I’ve created in my head out of hope and love. I can’t be the only artist on our picture.

all the time I’ve wasted hoping you’d come around with just a little more time. But I can’t regret, looking back I see I had to do that for me. I had to feel I gave what I could.

I was letting the rain in

I have been bitching a lot about the situation. Well, I'm planning on leaving him. The deal is done. But I don't need to tear him down. Like I said, he is a good guy, just not emotionally able to give me what I need in a relationship. So he folded laundry last night and that was very nice. Also I really like his childlike interest in things. He still enjoys silly penguins on his bed sheets. Things like that which I enjoyed about him.

But also I cam across this gem:



I remember to have ambitions, I call this one Green Ambition. I want to look like that someday and I need to get on it!

Everything Changes, even in 2016

2015 could be described as my year of unblinking hope.  But now I see that even after all the hope in the world, all the positive energy, all the emotional support, all the space needed, it just wasn't enough.  I'm not angry, but I'm going to ready myself to move on. I have to. I'm frightened to be this age and starting all over again. I don't even know where or how to proceed. But I can't stay here.

I've already walked through door #2, 2016 will be time to walk through door number three.
I tried to stand by you, even when it got tough. I tried to walk next to you to support, but I don't know what you need.  It's not clear where to go from here with you, but it's clear I need to keep walking. I keep walking for me.

I always knew we were built to fall apart.