Talking of Things, of Cabbages and Kings

Something weird is going on. I'm not sure what to do, but what's funny is that I feel I don't need to know. I have found many things wrong with him. He is too this and too that, and not enough here and there. But I find myself still, with him. Into his eyes myself is carried. The looks he gives me. I feel things are just falling into place. I feel like I know him. I feel like the person who he is overrides any physical short comings or any annoying mannerisms he may have. Could I be maturing and falling for a guy rather than falling for his teeth or car or quick wit? It is still much too early to tell. The fruit basket could be turned over tomorrow, and everything could become a large muddle. But for now I find I'm content to let things happen, I'm content to not know where we are going or not going.

I bought a new shower curtain today. The old one hung in there well, but was getting as all shower curtains get. And it was time for a change. The new one has some of my favorite colors in it, a small array of blues. They make me happy to see them.

C once told me, after I had just finished a spiel about how I was done playing social coordinator and just going to concentrate on enriching my life without staying socially abreast, that he hoped I would still talk to people so we could get invited to parties. That comment made me realize that talking to new people and making friends, whether they become just acquaintances, friends for a day, week, month, year, or life, is just part of me. That is what I do. I am very generous with my friendship. CC has thanked me many times for being his friend and for taking him under my wing and including him. I told him that it just seemed natural, and that is what friends do.
That is what friends do, they make small sacrifices with out expecting anything in return (unless you borrow a 20 from me bitch... ;) and they give, and they take. I find that the relationships that last and are most dear to me are the ones that I feel I am in a constant receiving state. I try to give back as best I know how and as much as I can, but I still feel the debtor. I feel for any act of kindness I may give or show, I receive 10 fold in return. I feel that they will never turn on me, that they will never betray my trust, that they will stand by me in all things. I feel that I can trust my life with them.
And we may call each other friend, but actions speak louder than words and their actions have spoken. They are very few and very far between, but I know them and they know me.

Tal Vez El Puede Vivir Sin Aire Tambien

Hoy yo estaba jugando en la red, y deambulé por un sitio que me fascinó bastante. La dirección es flipflop (dot) typepad (dot) com. Leí un poco del sitio y este hombre me pareció como fuera hecho de ficción. El tiene un carácter muy pensativo y su sabiduría salpica por palabras e ideas muy breves. El ofrece una ventana muy chiquita a su interior. Pero al ver a él, parece como modelo de A&F. ¿Podría existir alguien tan perfecto? Pensé que fuera un hombre o mujer que inventó a esta personaje para ser el imagen de lo que quisiera ser. Tal vez hay alguien en este mundo que está jugando ser un dios, y me fascinó. Si este hombre es real o una ilusión, no me importa realmente, me entretiene, y esto es solo lo que pido.

And I Breathe

25 years old now. By this age I thought that I would be married with at least one child. I guess I always assumed I'd still be in school since I was planning to head to a medical school after graduation, but now it's a pharmacy school. I think other than the marraige part, I'm on track.

I'm happy with where I am in life. I have great friends, my family is wonderful, and right now my need to be loved by another is muted by the communication with One in Chicago. I am in a secure, relatively easy job which works with my school schedule. I'm slowly attaining my goals mentally, physically, and (ever-so-slowly) spiritually.

I find also that I care for people deeper than I thought I did. I have had to allow some friends to go because I realize that when everything is said and done at the end of the day, they bring me down. I don't want to hurt, I don't want someone who I care for to hurt me. I feel my heart ache for things to be good between us, but I simply don't want to set myself up to be knocked down again.

This weekend will be very low-key for me. Of course there will be partys and BBQs, but I have avoided most of them and I will be content to lay low. The storm of school and work begins Tuesday. It's been since high school that I've taken physics. I'm worried and I will need to dedicate much time to that study.

I haven't had much to say lately. I feel like my insight on life has burned out, and I'm fumbling along in the dark and only when I stub my toe on something, or have my face slapped do I realize anything.
But I feel that I'm slowly waking up. I feel that things are going to get better. Call it a hunch.

1/4 of a Century

There is no better way to begin my 25th year than surrounded by the people I love and love me. I know first hand that the best things in life really are free.

oh nightlark, lay your head on my pillow (but let me put a case on it first)

I think tonight was one of the more enchanted evenings I have had in a long time. Thank you muchly again C.
I was treated to a wonderful dinner for my birthday at a Hawaiian restaurant. The conversation was relaxed and truthful. I love how we bat around ideas, toy with concepts, try and solve the world's problems, define that which we really don't understand, and in the end reach no real conclusions yet comprehend the world and ourselves a little bit better.
Last night was also spent in wonderful company, and dancing never felt so good. I was lost in the glee of friendship and swam in a sea of witty banter and laughter.
I helped my little sister move into her new house this morning while letting those who crashed at my house finish sleeping off the effects of drinking. I'm happy she's in town now. It will give me an opportunity to get to know her better and share in her life a bit more.
My brain is full of thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. I am really beginning to like Chicago Boy. I am falling for his words. I still have no expectations or intentions with him. I'm just enjoying the correspondence. Another's perspective is always appreciated.
I know that love should be effortless hard work. I hope things will fall into place as I guide them in.
Something that stuck on my mind from pillow talk was genuine people, also how much I've learned about myself in the past 6 months.

Sometimes I'd Trade Love for Fame

hal sparks was out at a local bar this evening performing for a charity, the Wildhorse Ranch Rescue, Inc. I didn't get to see him perfom, but I did shake his hand. He is short and adorable.

Dear Murphy,

Why is it that whenever I wear my button fly jeans, it happens to also be the same day I have to urinate every 45 minutes?

Hollywood

Sometimes I feel a shade whiter than pale. Sometimes I feel I'm a mere stumbling block in the path for others. Sometimes I feel that if I weren't so loud, I'd be forgotten. Sometimes I feel that I'm not liked for me. Sometimes I don't want to meet new people for fear that they'll see I really am just 2nd best and they'll leave dissapointed. Sometimes I get like this. Always around my birthday I get like this. Which is why I usually leave town.

What would everyone think if I told them my birthday was really April 24th and since we missed it, let's just forget it and try again next year?

Can I cancel my birthday? Better yet, I will just convince myself that nothing special for me is coming up. It's just another day.

Fuck I hate birthdays.

Why do you drink Red Bull?

1) It goes well with vodka.
2) Provides an energy boost.
3) It goes will with vodka.
4) Give you wings so you can fly.
5) It goes well with vodka.
6) For the flavor.
7) On those late weekend nights when you're exhausted, it goes well with vodka.

What I feel for you has created a monster.
I don't understand these rules of love.

I try and be still when you're around.
I try and not shake in my boots when you're around.

My need to be near you leaves me bewildered.
I guess I am understanding that I don't know how to release you.

My soul still burns for your heat.
When you're here I understand life.

I can't be with you, I know.
I can never be with you.

I don't know how to let you go.

I still think it was best said

When I said we were nothing but a fantasy. Maybe some reality is mixed up in all of it. But we weren't supposed to happen. We were supposed to remain separate. We were supposed to remain a figment of my imagination. So I place you back into my thoughts, allowing the physical to die with yesterday.

I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light. He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be soon and he's gotta be larger than life.

Thanks for listening C. ;0)

Can't you see the downtown lights?

Preface: Today I have had around 18 million thought running through my head, give or take 1000 or so. You know how this is. So rather than try and formulate them into something organized, I decided to let chaos prevail in this case. So I may not make any sense, I may seem irrational, I may even come across as clever... haha riiight.

Are you vulnerable? It takes much to unknowingly walk into your life and ask you to love me as I tell you I will give love back. Who can see the future? I sometimes like to think that I can but my tears blur the vision. It's might just be a prolongation of deceit. Don't make me wait for long because I cannot remain here forever. Maybe a star will fall, maybe the sun will not go down. I feel you take me and all I am for granted. Luck will not play with you much longer. If you care for me, be there for me.

You only get one chance. Or another if I deem necessary. But this is the only life you will have. You choose how you will spend it. Will I be apart of those clear mornings and stormy nights? I'm here with my raincoat and umbrella, I'm here with my swimtrunks and flip flops. Do I unpack or should I head on out?

I only believe half of what you say. I have tried to see things from your point of view. But it seems that my point of view is non-existent. Don't you realize that the sun doesn't revolve around you? There are other people out there. Take a deep breath. Stop playing the victim. Stop looking for reasons to be upset and hurt. It's summer time. Can we please just enjoy the break with out having to deal with all this shit you keep piling on us? I thought you wanted to simplify? You are? What the hell do you call this then?

I'm trying to find peace and resolution in just letting things go and not worrying about the details of everything. I need to not seek what I consider to be closure or having the last word. No matter how right I think I may be, I need to let things go. It just isn't worth the mess. Go your way, and I'll go mine.

Analyzing you, you, I see that you are more crazy than I. I could bring you so much pleasure. A small heat from within I want you to warm me again. I want you.

Look at you now, you have no where to go.
I could have been the one to save your soul.

Knowing when to hold close and when to let go. Knowing that people need space just as they do attention.

Astronomy Lesson

The chances of us working out are non-existent.

I want answers, you want space.
I want to call you mine, you want to lift your roots.
My love is ready to seek you.
Your love is ready to break free.

How we came to be, us, was by chance.
Two orbiting bodies in the vastness of space.

A mere chance that fate allowed.
Hum, chant, sing, talk, scream, whisper, yell, know.

For a small second our spheres shared the same time and place.
Blinking my eyes it was past, you were gone.
A fantasy based in reality wronging right for precious minutes.
I asked to not completely forget me, or I pray to forget you.

But we will continue to be, in wonderland.

Question

How healthy is it to copulate with someone you care for a great deal, but deep down you know you never will call him yours?

Why'd he have to be so damn cute?

my soul drew back

My disposition is a complex one at this time. I want to make life all that I have always wanted it to be. Usually that meant to fill it full of wonderful things and people.
But I find that now I'm seeing that I want to cut a lot of things out of my life. Things that I just don't think really make me happy. Things and people that sap my energy. I think that I have already been heading in that direction some.
I feel bad about it too.

I used to be such the guy to get the groups together. But lately I'm finding that I prefer the company of really close friends. I don't want to babysit anymore.

I'm still wondering what to do for my birthday. I think that going out will be what I do. But I'm not going to call all the people. Rather just a few people.

As my friend said, sometimes I feel like this is just a game of pick-up-stix, being played by fucking lunatics. I would be that lunatic. Am I making the right choices? What if so-and-so doesn't like me anymore? I never call anymore. But I'm tired of hearing the same old shit. Does that make me a bad person? A bad friend? I listened for as long as I could and it never seemed to change.

Why this sudden urge to simplify? I don't understand my disposition right now. I'm completely happy to go to work, do schoolwork, and go to the gym. Go out once in awhile. Am I getting older?

I guess I can only do what I think is right at the time, and try and learn when I make mistakes.

My heart continues to be a lonely hunter.

PS

I cannot date a guy seriously if he has any sort of a lisp, or if he's kinda femmy. I have lots of friends like that. I just don't want to date them. Wear make-up? Bye. Wear more than two rings on a hand? See ya. Have that high pitched voice? Don't come knocking on my door.

Okay this is all cuz I'm trying to convince myself about my resolution with C2. But I know how this will end. I'm just not attracted to him. Friends - yes. But I feel about him like I did for Curtis. It was something to take my mind off the present situation but I knew that I never was really attracted from the beginning. And I certainly couldn't ever do anything in bed with him. Eww. Just not attracted. At all. End of story. So get off your blog and go to the gym.

no fun with no guilt feeling

1) Say Goodnight and Go - Imogen Heap
2) Hear Me Out - Frou Frou
3) Blow Me Away - Breaking Benjamin
4) Ironic - Alanis Morisette
5) Hollywood - Madonna
6) Nadie Como Tu - La Oreja de Van Gogh


Nobody but you is capable of easing my pain. There's no one like you when I need to talk. There's no one I trust quite like I do you. Frozen feelings are warmed with you. You ask for forgivness when you need to, you give me your protection, you wrap me in peace. Just a look is enough to speak. Sharing memories I'll never forget.

I'm still waiting for someone to blow me away. I know I'm just not one to settle down right now. I'm not going to allow the meantime to interfere with my future. I want to lose myself in a joyous tune.

Jelly Bracelets?

So apparently there are bracelets that kids wear now days that mean sexual favors in various degrees. If I were to wear a black one, and you broke it off my wrist then that would mean you were willing to give me sex. Yellow = BJ. Wow, kids these days...

Where do they sell those bracelets?

Push the Button, Don't Push the Button, Trip the Station, Change the Channel

Just the other day I was remembering how I would feel inferior at bars, or the watering holes of some of the Phoenix fags. I would walk into a bar and thought that everybody was thinking that I was a wretched mess that wandered off the street. Now I have to laugh, I've learned that everyone is too caught up on themselves and other things they can't see clearly to even bother with thinking about me. And also quite frankly, I just don't care so much these days.

I'm over the flashing lights and painted faces. I'm over the chiseled abs and the prada shoes.

I guess you could say I have found other things in life that mean so much more to me than the acceptance of perfect strangers. Things that make me happy.

And I don't try and make everyone happy anymore. I'm happier that way. I'm still in the process of hanging my social cooridnator hat up, but I don't wear it so much anymore at all. I'm done calling everyone to invite out. I have plans and I'm content to just carry it out with the people with whom I make the initial plans. I just don't feel like I need to invite everyone I know to come. I've noticed that the people that I seemed to always invite along I don't hear from so much anymore. I guess they waited for me to plan. I'm not upset or spiteful. They would be more than welcome to come along, I'm just over the guest list thing.

This whole thought process has spawned from birthday celebration thoughts. I don't know what I'm going to do. But I've never been one to sit around and wait for someone to plan it for me. Mom did that when I was seven. I'm turning 25. I can plan my own celebration, and just because someone didn't plan it for me or do a surprise something or other means nothing to me. I'm sure I'll come up with something and let people know about it.

And the more I think about it, the more I am content to not do a huge thing, but small. Just go out with a couple friends to a bar and enjoy the night in good company. I think dinner at My Florist sounds nice. But that will be small. I just don't want to deal with the huge crowd. Maybe lunch on Sunday, but I want the piano player there... hmmmm

I guess I had always thought I would ring in the 25th year with a bang. But I find I'm content to just enjoy a simpler atmosphere, yet deeper in meaning. Quality over quantity. Maybe that's a sign of me growing up.

Who's that (boy)? Definitely a Beautiful Stranger

to (see) you is to love you...