Ignorance is not bliss

Like most of the country, or those with souls, I am heartbroken with the amount of violence and terror that is rampaging in this world. It comes without warning, its wake is tears - but as long as it's far away it's just a sad, sad story.
We're all made of flesh and blood, why should others be treated differently? Why does it matter who you love. Love is love.
Loss of words.

I wanted to post about the amazing hike I had today, and I still will. Moving on with life and not letting the fear and retaliated anger pollute and mar my mind is my response to the hate.

A.M. bien

It was the wrong time we met and fell for each other. But it seemed okay despite all the wrong staring at us. It was only for a moment that we shared the universe and slept in the stars and floated on clouds. Then quickly it was over. Real life shook it's head at us. Then you started to wander into your past. I still held on to that same star-lit night when we were up in the stars. I should leave. But I have a firm grip on hope. Though that hope as let go of it's grip on me.

There was no interaction. He wasn't here. He was here, but still only wanted to talk to him. I thought we could spend some time together. He never really did much for me anyway. This is usual I guess.

The smoke in the road has hidden all his tracks. It's over. It's over. Where are you going now friend? Why is it dark around here. Why must I bleed to catch your attention? Believe that I am bleeding. But you're still lost in the smoke in the road.

A recurring theme would be disappointment. You wouldn't have done, you couldn't have done. This thing that defines the rest. I hope you find your way. And it won't get any higher, but just boils down to what you did then.

Hoy, al viejo cuento se rompo. No se si puedo oyer ni escribir. no fui capaz, me perdí en mi misma. siguiendo tu diablo azul y fiel. otras cosas que veo.

Well here she comes. acting like she needs all this attention only to pull a knife out and slit my throat.  what a thief of hearts. you'll be sorry. little miss think she can have what she wants in the blink of an eye. Turn your back and she's off with your guy.

be careful with  my heart. don't take me for granted. things may change. I go insane, and play your fool. I'll never be the same with you gone. cuidado, me siento algo desnudo.  be careful and don't take my love for granted. I'm insane. I'm your fool and you play me like your fool. I try to just understand from the dark you have kept me in.  I tried to reach out to you. take your head in my hands, kiss your eyes and sing you to sleep. the voice of an angel. here is my heart, please to keep it.

every fault. every impression. every detail, everything under control. every truth, every approximation. every scene under supervision. The casualty is putting a guise of a butterfly that will fly away and leave us bare in the sun. You can't even imagine how I would have been, if you'd have just waited 1 second longer with you love. my gestures and voice, my kisses, they are gone.  The butterfly has flown away again. it's effect has come to look for reality. I just can only write hoping to not be heard again.

He didn't come again. I was waiting at the bar near some new aquantences. I was hoping to have just a moment with him. There were words about some grand meeting. I wouldn't have to renounce any glories. but the night aged on, and the bar grew quiet. and I haven't learned anything. just tears and sadness in my looks I give to the moon and stars. the song isn't sung and I don't have the desires to even try anymore. So I leave without even saying good bye.

You're a little late. I'm already torn. I see now what is here and no longer the holy light. you want to move on with out me. so many things I can't process but I see them now. They are here in my face. Illusion is all it was. never anything real.

Emotional, Still

I think... I think I might finally be getting out of the funk that I've been in for awhile now. It's been disheartening to see him move on without me. He is done with me. We are just friends in his eyes. I hurt; though my head comprehends, my heart is miles behind the time frame. Possibly it's been this weekend of moping and ignoring and distancing that has helped me to at least recognize where I am in this mess and how I'm feeling about it.



But I still reserve the right to feel bad about it.



Remember, I tried. I tried to love this love until there was nothing more. Despite my heart hurting because of this failed love. I tried. That in and of itself is a ray of light on this dark circumstance I'm in. Remember that I tried.

I'm really not sure right now

It's been a few months. I don't know if I'm just starting or at the end of it.
I get angry, apathetic, frustrated, happy, sad, content all at once. Or the emotions seem to race through my veins, all fighting for their turn in my brain and to occupy my thoughts. I don't regret and everything is as it should be, I trust that feeling. But I guess this is the grieving process. It's not supposed to happen and resolve in 8 easy steps or after a paragraph of woes. So this is me here, where I am right now.
Currently I'm not feeling angry, thought I'm avoiding my phone it's text messages. He asked me to remember that I'm moving out. And then disappeared for three days. I held my breath and got lost in coffee rings. Then moved on, but came back. It's a circle. But I don't want it back. I think this is how I'm reacting to the change. At least that's my best guess. I see instagrams of past crushes and see him and his beautiful boyfriend still lost in the giddy and happy of love. I wonder if he and I could have ever felt that. Or would it end since I'd be in the duo? I guess I'm in my pessimistic phase currently. Give me 3 minutes, it'll pass.

I'll Remember

Those songs that time-travel you to a distinct time and place in your past.

And so now

This is the part where it's going to take some time to feel again. Well, feel normal again. I was happy for the freedom, but now that it's a Friday night and the ex is out with his ?new flame? and I'm at home because I have to work in the morning and I feel like the world has turned and forgot to take me with it. So I handle this with some Cranberries in the headphones and realize that I chose this. I knew it was going to be over. I knew that I'd have to start over brand new. I knew there would be limited people here. But work is so good. My people there are great. I will make friends, this is just the point where I need to really focus on me. Get me back to where I derailed back in my early 20s.  Not that I'm unhappy, I just feel like I parted from where and what I knew I should do and the such. I don't regret but it's put me "behind" some.

finest hours?

I saw the film The Finest Hours and it was good. It made me think that when the guys were on the ship if at one point they'd say, "I'm old enough, the young ones first." Well I never heard that because it was happy and everyone was going to live, but it made me think. And my thoughts were, what would I do, and the most powerful thought, I'm at that age where I may need to step back and let the younger guys do their thing. Not like right now, but if I were on a boat and only so many people could live, then I may be one of the older guys. Makes my head swim with thoughts.

It's been 8

Almost 8 months here in Anchorage and I feel like I'm still just 2 weeks in. Wow. So with more time to process it, yes, processing that FA finally broke up with me. I was going to do it in March, or April, or some time convenient for myself, but he beat me to the punch and I'm happy he did. The feelings of disdain, all the wrong he was doing - it all flew out the window. I was shocked in that he did it so soon. He usually let things die out on their own, his words. And he finally ended something that wasn't healthy. Good. So. Now what do I do with myself?

We shall see, that is the question of this new year, new life. 2 years with Fa, and I forget how to be single

And so it goes...

Well, he did it. He finally pulled the plug on us and we are no more. I was planning for this to happen, but A) I was going to be the one to be the plug puller and B) I wasn't ready for it to happen so soon. But this is good. This is good that he did it. He was finally ready to express his feelings and confess that he just isn't in a place to be in a relationship with me. He understood that it wasn't fair for me and I had been patient enough so it was time he stopped living in his world of complacency and comfort and pushed the house down. And I'm good. I'm happy that he finally came to those terms. I feel like him being the one to actually end it hopefully helped him to go places emotionally with himself of what he needs and what needs to occur for him to feel something.
Back to me.
Like I said, I was planning on this anyway, just a little shocked at the quickness that it unraveled; and happy and sad. We are now just roommates and that is nice to have a nice bed all to myself. He has been gracious to let me have the master room and said there is no time frame from which to work, but I feel that being out of the apt into my own space in a month or so will be good for us both. It will help the transition. But right now, so much change, I need to take it a little at a time. So the month or two that we'll be roommates will also be good for me. I feel that I still feel for him. ;)

to be so strong

I’ve fought so hard to not lose a piece of me, but being with you I see that I’m sacrificing a different piece of me.  This voice inside has been eating at me, I can no longer embrace this beautiful picture I’ve created in my head out of hope and love. I can’t be the only artist on our picture.

all the time I’ve wasted hoping you’d come around with just a little more time. But I can’t regret, looking back I see I had to do that for me. I had to feel I gave what I could.

I was letting the rain in

I have been bitching a lot about the situation. Well, I'm planning on leaving him. The deal is done. But I don't need to tear him down. Like I said, he is a good guy, just not emotionally able to give me what I need in a relationship. So he folded laundry last night and that was very nice. Also I really like his childlike interest in things. He still enjoys silly penguins on his bed sheets. Things like that which I enjoyed about him.

But also I cam across this gem:



I remember to have ambitions, I call this one Green Ambition. I want to look like that someday and I need to get on it!

Everything Changes, even in 2016

2015 could be described as my year of unblinking hope.  But now I see that even after all the hope in the world, all the positive energy, all the emotional support, all the space needed, it just wasn't enough.  I'm not angry, but I'm going to ready myself to move on. I have to. I'm frightened to be this age and starting all over again. I don't even know where or how to proceed. But I can't stay here.

I've already walked through door #2, 2016 will be time to walk through door number three.
I tried to stand by you, even when it got tough. I tried to walk next to you to support, but I don't know what you need.  It's not clear where to go from here with you, but it's clear I need to keep walking. I keep walking for me.

I always knew we were built to fall apart.

So count to 15

So this guy has been spinning quite a bit on my playlist.

And I think he's he is 20yo from South Africa.

Sings a song, "Heaven." Where was that song when I was growing up and coming out?

And now today. I listen to the songs of yesterday and remember the emotions and feelings they evoked, and now the memory is all I feel. It's time to grow up and move on. but it's sad. It's never easy to leave familiar and jump into that unknown. I wanted to be the hero. I wanted our empires to grow and conquer each other, to become one and we'd rule the world from the top of the world. It would be our playground and we'd love each other and love in this life.
               But sadness is no longer a stranger
               Spring is turning into winter

               I can still laugh, but I'm forgetting all the happiness
               My heart is preparing to become a lonely hunter again

The only thing I can do is leave. He's content to be best of friends/roommates. He's honest with me. I'm not angry at him, I'm not upset with the situation. I just need to either settle (which I won't) or leave. Which I will.  I don't regret anything, I have learned.

Absolutely no regrets.

A Beautiful

So I've been thinking that I need to write again. Not for any reason other than sometimes I feel like the words, ideas, and sentences formulating in my mind are going to burst. Not that I have anything to say on anything regarding anyone else, but myself. Isn't that why most folks write? for themselves? Oh well. I begin this journey again. Welcome back, Welcome to join, Welcome, welcome.

So let's start the sweet madness:

I live in Anchorage now. And so far I love it. I moved up here for a boy. Well, it was the boy who helped pull the trigger to get me the hell out of Phoenix. I'm very happy to be gone, to be here.



I love this photo. Taken near my favorite group of trails. well, my favorite because I have explored them and feel that they are my home base. There are so many more trails to figure out and explore which are still only minutes from my front door.

I'll admit it's weird not having any friends here, or I should say any friends like I have in Phoenix. It's hard but at the same time it allows me the time I need right now to keep myself in perspective. I'm not getting any younger and still have a list a mile long of things I must accomplish before I sell the farm, so to speak.

Some goals - I think the same. I want to get that body and need to find the energy and the will power to actually do it.  The clock is my enemy (and yet I'm obsessed with time). I do collect hour glasses. Tonight I need to take it all in.

So just this bit of writing has helped to calm the swirling and whirling in my head. Mostly I just don't know where to go or what to do next. I shall do my bedtime routine and then read a book. Reading the Golden Compass books. So far pretty good.

It's still there, but I'm gonna try to get it better

Incessent talking from the next walled-in room over.  We share that unfortunate wall.  It tells me things from that enclosed space that I'd really rather not hear.  So as much that I aquired a trickling fountian to help the talking wall blend into the rest of the white noise from city and water.

I like my space.  It's lofty.  Very lofty.  I'm also tired.  Full-time position is making me sleep normally and a lot of it.

Going to bed, friends.

nothing's forever cuz we're just star dust

A couple Selena Gomez songs make me remember some ~2004 ryan.  Pieces of who I used to be.  "Forget Forever" and "Save the Day" are the two.  I like them quite a bit because they remind me of how I used to get upset when someone didn't like me; I used to get all wrapped up in a guy and then when things didn't go accordingly I would fume, cry, extreme-never-love-again.  But on the other side, save the day reminds me of finding that someone I have an electric connection with and am ready to give him my all, within the first 20 minutes of meeting.  I don't feel either extreme at all anymore -> is that growing up?  saber vos.

Silly government.  I saw a post on facebook wondering when public servants became royalty.  I agree.  They are in their ivory tower.  I don't have any answers and not even a bit of the facts.  I'm just currently weighing in how I feel - which in today's society is more news than actual fact.  More journalism and not so much truth.  But I'm not touting this blog to all I know.  if you come across this, then that's by your own happenstance so don't lump me into that category.  mofo.  ;)

Enigmas:  So glad he didn't come to brunch.  He is such a drama queen.  Wonder why I hear about the gathering an hour before it starts and you wonder why I'm not going.  It's simple addition really.  And you don't make my stars dance.  So I'm not giving energy.

The History Boys was a fantastic movie.  I thought.  So much to absorb.  Brilliant writing.

the random thoughts

And so it is, I can't wait to move out of the love bird's nest. While they are great friends, it's time for me to move on. And a great loft in the city is just the place.

If he's now a TV director, I'm very happy for him.

I've learned that when it comes to a job, there is never greener grass. Every place is going to have it's challenges. My higher ups go to bat for me, and I feel genuinely want me to succeed and care about my well being. They are a big part of making me feel like the grass is very green right under my feet.

 The TV show Suits is my obsession right now.

So long

Shut the front door. It's been such a long time. Coming. Wrinkles, under my eyes. Or nearing full-fledged wrinkles. I've been in the for for ages now, sitting on the fence. Time is now.

Dear Madonna,

I watched The Celluloid Closet today.  It held my interest the whole time.  I was amazed at these homosexual personalities portrayed throughout the decades.  I was most interested to find that a movie made in 1927 was rated as PG-13.