X-static blog

Dear Ancient Ice,

I don't really know what you're about. But I've had fun with you. I'm happy that you've morphed and changed with me. I still like you.

Love,
Ryan

I think Love hates me

Where did we go?
When did we go off track?
But this is where we are.
There's no point in looking back.

I don't know if those are lyrics, more than likely are, but I cannot place the song they belong to.

Someone from your past lingers in your life. You never know where you stand with him. You just think it's nothing, but every time you see him you have to fight a feeling. Something you don't understand. Something that you know you feel for him, and you don't know why. So you fight it. Dismiss it as nought. It's nothing. Make it go away. You've known him for almost a year now. Nothing has ever happened. Nothing ever will. Accept it and move on. Distance and lack of communication help you to move on. You're okay. It was nothing. Just a moment that has passed.

Months later he's in town again. You go to his mom's house to help set up a Christmas tree. You immediately feel at home. It's a fun evening, setting up a Christmas tree, who wouldn't feel at home? Laughter and conversation fill the evening. Then you look at him and as if you were hit by a large stick, all those feelings come back. The rest of the evening you try to be cool, and you think you've gotten away with it. But at the same time you're sick. You wish you could just reach out to him and pull him close to you. You long touch his face, yearn to steal a kiss. The same void opens slightly in your chest, between your lungs. The goodbye was painful; the hug awkward. You want to just kiss him, but at the same time petrified of ruining anything. His actions all night were friendly. Nothing less, nothing more. You release from the hug and duck out of the door. The walk to the car is a blur. You can only think that you're walking away, not towards.

Now is the time get over it. But anger surges: WHY THE FUCK AM I ALWAYS SAYING GOODBYE TO THE PEOPLE I FEEL MOST STRONGLY ABOUT? WHO DEALT THESE FUCKING CARDS? WHEN CAN I GET OFF THIS FUCKING RIDE? I'm ready to be done. I don't know how much more I can take.

Go on don't sit there like a fool. You've graduated from a different kind of school. At least I have felt for him what I thought I was no longer able to feel. At least I know I still can feel strongly for someone. I know there's someone out there waiting for me. There must be someone, there just has to be.

too late. too little sleep.

Is that seat taken? Congratulations.
Would you like to take a walk with me?
My mind it kinda goes fast. I'll try and slow it down for you.
Think I'm going to take a drive.
I'm going to give you something I've been wanting to give you to:
My heart.

I came to see the light in my best friend
You seem to be the happiest you've ever been
Now you belong to him.

I can't change this. I can never change it back.
But now I can't change your mind.
And I can't take this. I could never take this back but now,
I can't change your mind.

Analytical Chemistry

I was too much. I left solid ground and let myself get caught up.
I could not see. Despite the downtown lights.

Energy swirling, warming my skin. Then vacancy.
Was it ever even there to begin with?
Was I alone in the empty street?
No one around.

I thought you feel it.
I saw you feel it.
I felt you feel it.
How do I know?

Empty stairs, quiet hallway, lonely room.
I let myself out. Too much too soon.
Tuck my pain away, I should have known.

Each word you spoke staccato.
A whiter shade of pale in the moonlight.
The shame I feel for feeling.

good for me

Siento que hoy no puedo describir porque me has afectado tanto. Yo era tu enemigo fiel que pisaba siempre solo pocas huelgas atrás de la fantasía, echando la razón olvidando imaginar. Pero siento que de nuevo respiro la vida.

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.-Carl Jung.

Who? and I like.

So finally there's someone who has brought all tall man's problems to the shorter folk. And called it style (on purpose (I know!)). Pants with the cuff too short. I think it's great. Really.

And then how much fun would suits be if you could wear shorts?

I liked the look. I think it'd be fun to play around with the suit like this.

Hmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm Hmmm

Normally like most other gays, I flip through the magazines targeted towards homo adults looking for the hot guys and pretty pictures. I've been reading some of the stories, while most of them were that usual tone of... hmmm, I'm-trying-to-relate-to-you-normal-people-but-since-I'm-writing-for-Out-and-you're-not-and-I'm-fabulous-and-I-guess-you-can-be-too-if-you-tried-like-me-but-so-far-you're-still-just-a-reader-so-this-will-have-to-do-cuz-I-need-to-get-ready-for-a-night-out-with-famous-people-and-my-picture-will-be-in-the-next-issue-of-me-next-to-Kathy-Griffin-like writing. But I found a writer that seemed like he came from the people and still kinda remembers that, though we do still need to adore him, so Christian Dior him? From his head to his toe? No, but read what he has to say.
Mr. Josh Kilmer-Purcell. I don't know. Maybe one is his maiden name, and the other not. Maybe his parents felt it necessary to give him both last names, when I write him a letter I will be sure to ask, but read his words. I really thought he was clever and funny. http://www.iamnotmyselfthesedays.com/
He used to do drag. Who knew? He's delectably cute these days. I tried to find a picture of the one of him in the magazine, but couldn't.

capture our story in one second

A million miles from my skin. But my heart just right here.
The image, walking in daydreams, el mar, el cielo.
It was the first, and keeps in my heart forever.
Embraced my embraces. Everyday waking up.
I realized a new empty, that you were filling.
But more than fifty thousand passed by, I learned to quit them all.
But I need a reason more, than just I feel.
Though excess abounds.

Time stitched a thread in my heart.
Pass the days, while seeing the sky deeper as taught.
Shoes no longer glued to the cement.
But teach one last lesson: how do I live without?

Let the rain make puddles, and raise the level.
Lived so much in such a short and small time, forgot what language I spoke.
Have I lived ten thousand days? or one day ten thousand times?

So far from me. Looking in my soul, a garden, I lost myself.
Let myself be carried away, my faithful enemy, that there could be so much more.
Errors boarding a ship, watching the rain. I'm not able.
I close my eyes:

The sun still down, the clock chimes early. I snuggle in, I like that it smells of you.
You're still asleep as I turn the soft light off. I hear you breathing and heartbeat.
You stir and wrap me in, the clocks lose count of time.
One lifetime is too short for me.

The butterfly replaces her guise, ending the ancient story, taking care that no one hears her leave.

Smothered in a frothy sauce of near-pseudo optimism, who could tell the outcome this time around. What appears to rocket from the doldrums to an orbit that no foundation could support.

Where was the middle ground?
Where is the infrastructure to execute such a radical change?

If you reap what you sow, then where are the fields upon fields full of the white fluffy substance to bring existentialism to what appears to be yet another fabricated display of contrite penance and humble accord for empirical nothingness?

Would sir care to beg the question?
Would sir care to answer at all?
Even a little bit?

Sincerely,
We've Seen It All Before

Cloudy Day

Will you remember?

I'm in a good mood today. Je suis en un bien humor. Oui. C'est vrais et je suis d'accord avec la vie maintenant. Not really. I botched the French language. Despite my incredible, masterful handle that I have on it.
I'm off to study...

Memories on a Shelf

die another day

So much in my head right now. I know what's right. I know what's wrong. But it seems I'm a catch 22.

When will I learn?

When will I just give up?

A Candy-Perfum Boy, Please.

If any of you fear me going back to Mormon lifestyles, see here. It's frightening to think of the kind of people I'd be dealing with.

I'd rather deal with these types of mormons. And of course these:

“I think that you’re afraid to look in my eye, you look a little sad boy I wonder why.”

Last night I went out with a boy from CA. He was nice and fun, but all night he kept telling me that I was acting different when I thought I wasn’t. I don’t know. He so funny, he’s the first to get on a crate to speak about love and how it takes work, but he simply won’t do it. Oh I’m not looking to date him (he lives in CA, long distant really doesn’t work).

Last night I had a dream, I can’t remember much of it, some of the details were very vivid but others were blurry. I remember colors: I remember deep earth tones which seemed to penetrate the sunshine. The walls, if they were walls, were like large sides of cliffs stretching towards the heavens. I tried to look up. It wasn’t dark, like the sun was shinning right on me. But there was no sun. Vegetation was everywhere and the sounds of the jungle though I really don’t remember a jungle.
I walked to the ocean and just watched the blue mass billow in front of me. I only contemplated the blue, there was so much blue. I remember wanting to walk into the blue aggregate to be apart of it, to know why it was so blue, but I couldn’t move. I was firmly planted on the sand; I even checked my soles for roots.
No hubo sonido. Recuerdo el silencio. Pensé que vi barquitos en la distancia, como luzes pequeñas. Y me desperté.

“I took me by surprise that you understood.”

Update

I'm addicted to America's Next Top Model. I try and watch it every week. I even requested from the roomie that we record it should I be busy and can't be there for it. I even like it better than Heroes. Heroes has begun to get too messy for me. I don't really care for it really anymore... but I'll give it a few weeks to get better.

My absolute favorite of the show is Heather. I simply cannot get enough of her. She's akward, bumbles, and is plan wonderful. I totally identify with her. Not that I'm even 0.12 as attractive as she is. But she isn't classic beauty. There's something about her, maybe the underdog, maybe wondering how she is hanging in there with all these other girls... But she is doing it well.

Love you Heather!I absolutely loved to hate Ebony. And I miss her. I didn't want her to leave. I really didn't. She was amazing and I loved how she looked like a big tomboy at panel but would be a feirce woman in her photos. Come back Ebony!And I cried when Sarah got the boot. She was the plus-size girl and I loved her for it. She knew she was going home. This is a testament that fat people are still not socially acceptable in society. We don't want to see no fat girl. Tyra, you need to reconsider!And then here is my latest picture. I was resing from a 3 mile jog I was on... sorry about the hair.

I haven't learned the lines you'd like to hear

I look out at the scenery while driving away. No specific destination, just away from the city. I need to leave behind what it is, who I am there. Just for a few hours. I conceal a lot, and I get tired of concealing it. Deep in my heart, and I can't confess what I'm feeling. I'm scared, I fear. I try to keep my brave face on and go forward. But all alone it's hard. all alone I sit and think about what I may be giving up, what I may be letting go. I'm frustrated if I should fight for it. Firstly I don't know why I'm so caught up. I thought I could let go just as easily as I took hold.

I'm watching some bits of Evita. Despite being a 2 hour Madonna music video, I do like it for what it portrays. I love the deceit, the sex, the scandal, the intentions, the trust, the guile, the betray. I think my favorite part is when she is dying and worries that she is no longer of use to him, and she appeals to love. Love is the fabric that holds us together, at least that's what I think. I like to think that he did truly love her. And she continued feeling like she had something to prove to him, she had to show that she was worth something. And when all that disappeared, she became vulnerable.

I've never really understood love. I never could feel it for most anyone. I love my family, but that's a different love from romantic love. I used to wonder if I would ever feel it. I think I've felt it. And I think I've decided that if you truly love someone then you will let them go. There's a cliche for you. Anyway, that's what's been on my mind.

"Where do we go from here? This isn't where I intended to be. We had it all... Certainties disappear. How do we keep all our passions alive? Deep in my heart I'm concealing things that I'm longing to say, scared to confess what I'm feeling, frightened you'll slip away."

today

I met a lady that sat in the audience where JK Rowling first said that Dumbeldor was gay. She wanted to know if half a witch would cost the same as a whole witch. And then showed me a picture she carries around of the pumpkin she carved. I liked her.

tonight I thought I wanted to go out and sit in one of the best lit bars in Phx and talk with an old friend. But now I'm just ready to go to bed. But I'd still like to talk to him, someday soon.

I'm still wondering what's going to happen in life.

My dad said some really good stuff to me the other day. He's an amazing man.

I can't stop listening to two slow, sad songs. Maybe if I listen to them enough, they will resolve themselves and there might be a happy ending.

advanced therapy

My skin is so dry. I looked at my upper arms this morning and wondered when all the ash blew in. So I lubed up this morning, and then went to go get my check-up. You know, the one that all sexually active men should. All's well.
The PA who serviced me today was very cute. 38 from Tennessee. Mark is his name with crystal blue eyes... like that icy, crystal blue. His puppy, Buddy, is 17 years old and keeping him up at night because he's slowly dying. Mark got kinda choked up. It was cute, endearing, and the poor dog. I thought about saying that at least he got 17 good years but decided to let it drop. I'm trying to learn the art of silence. All went well. We talked about David Sedaris, of course Amy and on the tip of my tongue was if maybe I'd see him out sometime. But I didn't. You don't ask the man who just felt you up, probed you for bacteria, and drew blood if you'll see him around. Do you believe in love at first sight? It's an illusion...

Besides, I know that right now it was just my need for a band aid. I need someone to tell me Let's forget your life, forget your problems, administration, bills, and loads. Come with me (in the evidence of its brilliance). I am listening to a lot of Confessions these days. I hadn't listened to a song for quite sometime from that album, listening (when I listen to Madonna) to the 2 new songs, or Ray of Light or stuff from her first two albums, Borderline being a favorite of mine right now. You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline.

There's this guy. He's young, and he likes me. He needs to know that those are two detrimental attributes right now. If I have it, I don't want it. But if I can't have it, then I want it badly. Well, actually that's not the case so much. It just seems that right now I'm not meant to have another in my life acting as boyfriend or lover. I think I would like it. But it needs to be the right guy. I've been around long enough that I feel I'm not going to settle. If he doesn't meet my requirements or excel beyond them, then I don't want him. I've met a few that I'd love to love. And despite myself I do love them. But the number is very small. I think I know enough between something that feels real and something that feels fleeting.

I started reading A Picture of Dorian Gray. Could it be anymore gay? But all the same, I like it. I especially like to be reading novels again. It adds a dimension to my life that I once enjoyed but since have forgotten. It will take awhile for me to get back to cogitating like I think I once used to.
And my car got egged last night. One egg that dug unto the hood of my car. Hooray. I would kill the little bitches if I ever could pin them down in the haystack. Maybe not kill but definitely make sure they knew and felt my rage, if not from me, then certainly their apathetic, terrible parents, or the police, or my car... lol... that nice thought I will leave with you.

Connect to the sky future lovers rise their ambition high, would you like to try? Let me be your guide put aside your pride future lovers hide love inside their eyes. Not controlled by time future lovers shine for eternity in a world that's free. Put away your past love will never last if you're holding on to a dream that's gone. I'm going to tell you about love. Would you like to try?

We'd be good, we'd be great together.

still not over it, after all these years

Looking from a window above, just like a story of love. Do I see you?
All I needed was the love you gave, all I needed for another day.
You're all I ever knew. Only you.
Sometimes when I think of her name, it's only a game. I still need you.
This will take some time, getting over you're not mine. I can't take any more.
Will you understand it's the touch of your hand behind a closed door?

I had been longing for as long as I can remember
For something like this to come my way.
It always felt so right, and then you take it all away.

Tell me how will I fall in love like that again?
I'm still walking through my tears in the pouring rain.
I'm still dreaming about those nights of us together.
See I thought I'd found the love I'd have forever.

but you know I'll be true

I understand. I need to be humble. I don't like having to learn humility but that's what's going on. I'm trying to be happy and learn from it, this is the course that I need to take. I'm happy for him, I really am. But the happiness comes with jealousy and regret. I had to call my mom and talk about it. She said that the past is in the past, nobody is perfect. Really he is just the catalyst that brought all the thoughts out and it's time to face the demons, the skeletons in my closet, and all that I don't like about me.

Dear Nate,

A new Elizabeth movie is out and I'd like to see it. You were the first one I was going to call to go see it. I'm sure you've already seen it, devoured it, and saw it again. I was just thinking about you. I'd contact you for real, but I just don't think it's the right thing to do.

Questions to Myself

Lately I've felt that I'm in an introspective state. I feel like my past and present are beginning to fuse and make more sense to me. I feel like I'm a bit more aware of what's going on around me in my life, and I'm concentrating more on what I need to do to accomplish my goals.

I hope I'm not becoming more selfish. While that's always been one of my faults, I am hoping that I am just not as concerned with what others may think of me. I want to be involved in the lives of my friends, a support, but I don't want to be a crutch, if that makes sense. Also I don't want to rely heavily on others. I'll tell them what's going on in my life, and I certainly don't expect them to resolve anything.

I'm on track to graduate (FINALLY!!!) and apply to pharm school. I'm uber nervous about applying to pharm school, but until I try I'll never know.

Yeah, I'm still unhappy with my physical condition, but I know that it's all me. And my fault I'm not happy with it. It's not that I need to learn to accept me the way I am... No, I mean I need to start doing the right choices so that I will feel like I am trying to make things better, and if nothing changes then I will accept who I am because I know I'm doing what I can.

This applies to school. Yeah, I'm not going out as much and not keeping in touch with a lot of people anymore. I think maybe because I'm more comfortable in my skin. I used to, and still do to an extent, get affirmation from how many people I'm around. That's so temporary. I remember I'd have wonderful nights out when I was like the bell of the ball, or treated as the prom queen. And if no attention then I'd have an awful time out. Lately I've been avoiding attention (not to say I don't LOVE it when it comes) but I have a wonderful time just connecting with friends and totally okay if they are all I talk to in the evening... gosh that just sounds so silly saying that, but that's finally where I'm at.

I knew you were going to bring up love. I'm not into anyone right now and really not looking. I find that I'm really happy just figuring out what I want. I think everyone can see that too. I was seeing a guy, kinda, but he said that he and his bf were on a break trying to figure things out... and he said technically they weren't together... I'm okay with that. But as soon as I heard, "we're back together but we can still get together now and again" I was out of there. I don't need that, nor does my karma. And truth be told, I'm currently waiting for the hottie in my p-chem class to ask me out... lol. which is my way of saying nothing's happening or gonna happen for awhile.

It's time for me to go study before class.

Ni un adios al partir

Creo que estoy afinando "el typo" de hombre que tengo. El los dias pasadas he visto algunos chavos que me hacen mirar mucho. Y todos tienen algo similar fisicamente, y su personalidad - pues de lo que observo. Todos tienen pelo oscuro con piel blanca. Y ellos se parecen como son "nerds." esto es todo que tengo en este momento.

Snap out of it.

So I ran 4 miles tonight to just get rid of some of my angst and to clear my head. I know what I need to do to improve, it's all good.

Dear Nate,
Did you see Tyramail?! OMG! I knew the yalie-girl was gonna hit the showers. Her attitude that she swung around those judges, I'd have sent her packing then and there! I miss being able to talk to you sometimes. Hope all is well.
Ryan

It's personal, and I'll be gone before it happens

I can't be up-beat all the time. It's okay when I'm in a bad mood; and a sad mood. I guess I'm still paying my dues in life and still letting karma clean itself up after I've taken advantage of it in the past.
It's hard to go on sometimes. Sometimes I feel like everything drops on me at once and I want to bow out of life. If all the world is a stage then I just want to exit stage right and hang out on the side for a time. I've got some straightening out to do. "It's time to be a big girl now, and big girls don't cry."
I'm not very smart. turn to stone. Lose my faith. I'll be gone before it happens.

I'm not resilient like I used to be. I've taken a lot of blows, and now in my older age, I can't take them as often as they've come. "All of my clothes feel like somebody's old throw-aways."

Dream away your life, dream away your dream.
I won't sell out, but I'll walk away before I'm broken.

When's this d@** season going to pull up its stakes and leave!?! I'm ready for it all to get colder. But they do say that it gets cold on Halloween. Halloween.

I'm not ready to celebrate Haloween this year.

So far I've heard two of the new songs from Madonna's up-coming album. It sounds very much like her first album... there's an underlying beat, some other background sounds and then lyrics. I think, at least in my "totally unbiased opinion" that it embodies the direction that music is going in the US right now... the 80s are defing in the sound nowadays, and who was 80s pop music? That's right, you know who.

Hear Me Out

I just sent an email to an ex explaining that I really don't like it when people just cut me out of their life. If that's what he wants to do, then I told him to at least tell me and to go into the reasons. I'm a big boy, I can take it.
I think it mostly came from that he is worried that I'll get upset that he's dating someone new. On the contrary I'm happy for him.

yesterday I spent the whole day with Ami. I think she's the best. Ever, full stop.

I'm with Verizon now with no changes in the digits. I got my bro's old phone. It's a palm phone and it's big and bulky and I think I like it... lol... I like how it shows things better than the flip phones, but it's a brick to carry around.

I have Madonna's new song, "The Beat Goes On." It's effing awesome! It's a total parody of "Hung Up" but I like the message just as I did in HU. "I can't keep on waiting for you, anticipating that you won't keep me waiting... Always the bride's maid, never the bride, two steps behind, you've got too much pride, always supporting never the star, get it together cuz the beat goes on..."

I made a decision that I'm not waiting anymore. It's a broad statement but I like it. I feel alive now that I'm doing my thing. If I can find someone who can keep up then great. Both friends and lovers. I'm over trying to appease or walk on eggshells, I like it straight to the point or you're done. I'm not cold, but I scrutinise much more about the people in my life.

humble pie anyone?

(I apologize)

intuition hasta el sol

I've been fussing lately over what songs I want on my Fall 2007 compilation CD. I like them to mean something to me; carry a personal significance. I like the CD to tell a story.

Stolen - "We watch the season pull up its own stakes, and catch the last weekend of the last week... Watch you spin around in your highest heels, you are the best one of the best ones. We all look like we feel."
How could I not put this song on? It wraps into a few versus and choruses emotions that I feel about the summer, and the end of the summer, when much was going on in my life.

Good for Me - "To feel for you is easy, my baby. I know you're good for me. This feeling inside me, oh it sends me sky high. You're good for me my baby."
Who doesn't want to feel like this about someone? I've felt it, I've loved it. It reminds me of that happy feeling of having someone in your life that is good for you, just having them there is enough, when your heart feels so euphoric that it might burst open.

Puede Ser - "No sé si quedan amigos, y si existe el amor. Si puedo contarte contigo... Puede ser que la vida me guia hasta el sol." (I don't know if friends will remain, and if love exists. If I can count on you... It could be that life will guide me towards the sun.)
Como quiero esta canción. Me da sentimientos de que lo que pasará en la vida estará bien... yo puedo guiar mi vida a lo que quiero, pero al mismo tiempo hay algo que afectará mi vida, sobre lo cual, no tengo elección.

Wonderland Theme - There's a feeling of new mystery, of a new story beginning, though the story is old and been told many times.

Borderline - "If you want me let me know, baby let it show, honey don't you fool around."
A return to my girl's early 80s stuff. I love the old sound of it, the simple music and even more simple lyrics. It's simple. That's what I'm looking to do with my life. I want to simplify, get back to the basics of life. I think happiness is fundamental; it's easy to get lost in too much stuff and forget to be happy with all I already have.

Pure Intuition - "We've been wanting each other since before we were born, and I will want you even after I am gone."
So many memories with this song. Once again that love that is so powerful, so obvious, is what I desire. I refuse to settle. I can count on one hand the number of people have I felt this passionate about.

Please don't stop the Music - "I wasn't looking for nobody when you came my way."
Love when I see some one new who gives me that unknown thrill of not knowing where it might go..."

The Music's no Good Without you - "We skid along the razor's edge, but you were crazy to be free... I miss you boy, I really do, come back to me... the music's no good without you baby, the music's no good at all."
I've ruined some of my best friendships. Some I don't know how or why, others I know exactly why. I'll never give up on them or think that it's over. They will always be in my heart, because what you love can never let you go.

Who Knew - "If someone said three years from now, you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out... I wish could touch you again, I with I could still call you friend."
People come and go. I'm still learning to recognize and hang on to the special ones.

Cuídate - "Tus ojos me cuentan que te han visto llorar. Llena dos copas de recuerdos de historias que tus manos aún tiemblan si me escuchan hablar. Tu cuídate, aquí yo estaré bien, olvídame yo te recordaré." (Your eyes tell me that they've seen you cry. Fill two cups of memories and stories so that your hands tremble when they hear me speak. Take care of yourself, I will be fine here, forget me, I will remember you.)
Enough said.

White Flag - "I'm not trying to make your life harder or return to where we were... There will be no white flag above my door... And when we meet, which I'm sure we will... I'll let it pass and hold my tongue and you will think that I've moved on, I will go down with this ship."
Recently I broke off a friendship, but I'll always love him.

Alive Again - "And it cuts like a knife as I watch you walk away. There's a bridge I need to burn before I leave, I just want to live again, like a story rain, I need to hear it beat again. I only want to keep the storm from rolling, I only want to learn to feel the rain..."
I'm making changes, learning what I want out of life and how to make it happen.

Call on Me - Great beat, takes me back to when I was just coming out, I kinda feel like that again. I think I'm learning how to be me, how to get closer to myself.

Vogue - "Beaty's where you find it, not just where you bump and grind it... Get up on the dance floor... Bettie Davis we love you."
;)

Secret - "Until I learn to love myself, there was never any loving anybody else. Happiness lies in your own hands. It took me much too long to understand how it could be."
I've made some stupid choices, done stupid things, but I recognize that, I own it as they say now. And I'm going to get better.

Nobody Knows Me - "No one's telling you what to do how to live your life but it's a set up, until you're fed up. This world is not so kind, people trap your mind. I sleep much better at night, I feel closer to the light, now I'm gonna try to improve my life."
Learning from my mistakes and moving forward positively.

X-Static Process - Not myself when you're around... in a crowd... all alone at night. ...will you look at me, don't know who I'm supposed to be. I always wished that I could find someone as beautiful as you, but in the process I forgot that I was special too."
I'll probably never have it figured out. I'll always be searching, my only goal is to progress and get as close to myself as I can.

Can't Take It In - "It couldn't be anymore beautiful. I can't take it in."
I'm really happy with life and where it's going. I still have so much to correct and improve, but I'm on the right track, and that makes me happy.

Keep It Together

This weekend I went up to my parents' house for my little brother's farewell. That means in Mormon terms that in the church meeting he had to get up and give a talk, talking about how he is excited that he has been called to serve in the Porto Alegre, Brazil, Mission.
It was really a great time with the family. All of us kids were there for it. It was a lot of fun to talk with them and just spend time.
There was a huge crash on the I-17 South yesterday, and though it was terrible, I did trace the silver lining which allowed the family to stay together much longer as we waited it out. I love when we all get together.
I don't have more fun with anybody than I do with my sisters, parents, and brother.

Family is better than gold.

I also thought a lot about when I was going on my mission to Guatemala. It was an experience that was simply amazing. In the setting apart of my bro, I remembered the excitement of going into the unknown, going off to a totally foreign country to live and serve for two years. I think I was a bit jealous that he was going and I wasn't.

All this made me think of the good times and feelings I had in the church. Though currently I'm not practicing the religion, I still really love it and remember that I was at one point very happy to be a member.
Where does this leave me now? I little closer to myself I think.

yes ant, I think you are.

Elucidation of metabolic pathways

I hate biochem. I have been studying non-stop for like three days and I feel likeI know nothing. Granted I had four weeks to study for this test, but what fun would that be to not cram before the test, like I always do? Course this is the last time, I will be preparing on a daily basis for it for every test hereafter. Mark my words.

Hey Mr. Cooper,

Feel free to do your thing. Just have more shirtless photos taken. That will be all. And maybe check out this site.

Why Annie?

Why do I talk to the dog in a gushy, luvy-wuvy voice? Will she understand me better? Maybe I think that it will convey my affection for her three-fold as opposed to the normal, boring, one-fold voice.

The Front Row

I finally saw Casino Royal. It was a good show. But watching it just for D.Craig was totally worth it. I can't say I really followed the plot line (it takes a lot these days for me to just sit and watch a movie, unless of course I'm in a theater).

This past weekend I had a pool party, got too drunk and spent yesterday recovering.

Too drunk. I had a very large blow out with a friend. It was dramatic; el final. I don't plan on being in touch with him any longer. I did send an apology email but I didn't beg for forgivness. I did say I was sorry and was wrong. But I could never get our relationship right: I always wanted more, he kept me at an arm's length.

So I have to go on, go on, don't sit there like a fool. You've graduated from a different kind of school.

(I guess this could be a good time to just lay low. I feel like I've been making some stupid decisions lately. It's time to get back on the track I was on just last week)

From what the Dr. says, I have an inflamed sciatic nerve. So now I'm on 550mg of naproxen bid, and tramadol prn. The tramadol is fun.

But also, I cannot go to the gym, or run. Maybe swim. He says let the pain be my guide... what's that pain? I need a bag of cookies and an old Betty Davis movie? Ok.(I wish)

So I told myself that since I can't do much exercise, I will begin to eat properly. Once and for all. And thus, in these two weeks, I will have laid the foundation for healthier eating, and be closer to being healthy and physically fit and begin working out again already with good eating habits in place.

(this is my before picture) (lol... riiiight...)

As of right now, I don't have the internet at my house, I hate it. But so far I'm managing to stay alive. I'm back at school, and this is (finally) the last year! And there are soo many cute guys on campus this year. Since it's my last I think I'm going to try and be a little more brave this year... what are they going to do, beat me up? ;)

Downtown Lights

Over a bottle of wine on a Monday night. We talked of foreign cities and dancing till dawn. You showed me pictures of your recent travels and I told you of my classes, and all the new information.
I tried to tell you of the ways my heart tends to wander. I don't love you anymore, but I hold you very dear in my heart.
A common friend, new to the group, the group formed as I stood on the sidelines hoping to be called over, this friend who stole my heart. He used words to barter for my emotions. But his actions were all pointing down a dead end street. You liked him, but didn't want his heart, carnal was on your plate only.
He and you. He and you. You didn't do anything. You two are still strangers. But I see the ground work being laid for the future. I'm not stupid and I can read certain signs. I know when you two run off on your drug-induced cruise, I know when you two are no longer bound by the ropes I've tied around you, I haven't tied nor ever wanted you to feel bound, but you two have unspoken emotions, emotions that stop before the world of emotion. Physical.
I might be jealous, I might be insecure.
I guess the dice have been thrown, though it's hurting me. Now it's history.

The winner takes it all, the loser standing small.

aww...

aww...
Originally uploaded by rkf524

This was a good night out... kinda like a farewell for me. I think that once these dog days of summer draw to a close, I might go into hibernation for a time. Not sure of the details, but I feel like I need to drop out of sight, then later, maybe 2,3,6 months, I'll come back.

that oak trees bear pears

I can't explain how I feel. I can't pin-point what thoughts are in my head. I can only try to perceive the swirling mist in my head as a whole, and try to interpret.

Anoche, siento que una parte se quebrantó de mi y cayó al suelo hecho de madera oscura. Respiro. Pienso en lo que pasé, dentro de aquella cocina dentro de mi corazón. I know there’s someone out there waiting for me. El estaba hablando de su visita a España, estuvo ahí por meses, por un año y meses. Pero no estaba yo escuchando. Solo pude pensar en aquel que se sentaba al lado mío. I might have never loved at all. Que pensaba? Sé su nombre. El tomaba bastante. Junto a mi. Que podía yo hacer? Las paredes blancas me miraban.

(No quiero matar a nadie. Pero quiero, quiero, quiero lo que no puedo querer)

Entonces el reloj timbró mis esperanzas, mi corazón escondió de la noche. El sonido me marchó a la puerta. El cielo era negra, el mío gris.
No te puedo tener debido que tu es de él. Y él es de ti. No te propongo será de ti, no puedo querer.

Quero decirle a él que no te propongo.

Ya no lloro piedras por ti.

can't change your mind

He never did anything to suggest I should keep it up.
He never tried to 'suade my thoughts, my emotions.
It was all me, I locked on him, I wanted it.
He never wanted me to hurt.

Like a moth to a flame, I was to blame.

The hurt, deep in the core, slowly diminishes.
Everyday gets a little better, the sky more blue.
As time marches forward, things get easier.
Soon I'll be able to call him friend, and feel just that.

set your stakes too high, you're bound to lose

"...that feeling of excitement when thinking about him. The automatic lift in spirits when thinking that you get to see him again."
"Yeah, I still get that, not as strong as it used to be, but it's still there. When was your last time?"
"B--- gave me that feeling. It was fun but it waned with time. We never dated, we just were friends. I knew he knew but I guess he chose to do nothing about it. And that was his decision and I never forced anything, well one night I did... at the bar, I got shot down. We never spoke of that again, just went on like nothing had happened. I always figured that we'd be good... even great together. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Oh well, that's just part of the game. I feel like I've played the game for too long. I'm ready to bow out for awhile."

tipsy blogging with a bruised heart

it shouldn't have it me as hard. It shouldn't have been such a surprise. I knew that just by placing even a small bet on you would still yield losing results. The attention I thought you gave just me was shared round the town. You're just a mere flirt. I shouldn't sit here like a fool, I've already graduated from this different kind of school. But all the same, just a little bit, it hurts.

There must by someone out there, waiting for me, there just has to be.

dreams in bags that float out to sea
full of colors that don't mix
silence I attack, I never hear you enter
there's no month of June
we don't smile or laugh together
I always hide my bad mood

look at me and tell me what you see
look at you and tell me if we go
together like A and B
you and I, always you and I
never you and I
fit in the same place and time

my eyes are tired of tears
give me a hug, give me a kiss
we both try and escape
the love that turns to venom
each scene is supervised
every gesture calculated

look at me, look at the sky
see the butterfly fly
no one will hear us march
we know we must
never you and I
fit in the same place and time

psycho stalker insecurities

We're out. Come too! (God I can't wait to see you again)

You should come, we're all here. (God-damnit I'm here, come fucking see me)

Who am I gonna do a walk shot with? Don't be a pooper. (For fuck's sake, get the fuck over here. I'm losing my patience. Why the fuck don't you want to see me? You don't fucking like me, you fucker.)

I understand, sometimes the couch is the best place. (Why the fuck are you calling him, don't you know that he's right by me?! I saw you call him. Asshole. Fucking asshole. You fucking lied to me. All I get is a fucking text. Fine, I don't expect much from you. Asshole.)

I hope you have a good night. (I hope you die 1000 horrible deaths and eat shit and yet still live to see how awful you are and suffer.)

Sometimes I forget to remember

I thought I was happy not knowing anyone like that.
I thought I could exist in a plane all my own.
But I forgot how easy it is to feel for you, how this feeling inside me sends me sky high.
I know you're good for me.

It's been awhile since I've wanted to get to know someone.
It's been awhile since I've worried I can't say anything right.
But the smile that comes when I think of you, how I wish I could look into your eyes again.
You're good for me.

clouds in my coffee

I have a front row seat, while watching your show
All eyes on you as you enter a room
the center of attention, the eye of the storm

Walking around on a cloud cuz every boy just trips on you; saying your name out loud

You silently assured me that you were mine
while slipping some your number
When your heart beats next to mine
your thoughts thinking of that other, the other night

the words you speak soothed my fears
and your actions seemed to do the same
I could never understand why you didn't set me free
why you had to keep me closer

I'm in love with your words

Why did you have to come along?

I can't remember when I was so captured by someone. Sure I do. But you're part of a select few. I can count your kind on one hand with a couple fingers left over. one: not ready. two: taken. three: you. Why don't you look at me like I look at you? Because that would be what I wanted. I'm not here to cry for me, but to think of you in text. I want you, I've wanted you, and I still do. I still want all three of you. But all three of you have affected me for the better. But now I want you.
I'm scared to make that leap. I'll try to sleep well.
xoxo,
ryan

I've had to work much harder than this for something I want

I'll give you love, if you turn the key.

So I'm back. I survived some rumors of me dating people and why I broke up. And I like to be back to me. Of course I have found someone new to keep my attention, and I'm doing well in my summer class. I don't have much time, but gosh I think swimming is my new favorite sport.

Erotic, Erotic, put your hands all over my stuff...

And help me move! Ugh, moving is going much slower than anticipated. Mostly because I've hit a wall and can no longer fathom even packing a box. But my mom and dad came to town today with their big, huge truck. We loaded the couches in the back and took them to storage. Now that they are there, they are going to stay there, and I don't have to deal with them for a couple months at least. I'm just exhausted of packing.

I did just a few mins ago send out the general text to see what was going on in the world of friends tonight. Last night Cw and I went out and had a blast! It was so much fun to just go out and be wild and crazy. And by wild and crazy, I mean that I didn't have the bf breathing down my neck and pulling me away from any boy that I tried to talk to... be friend or acquaintance. I might have exaggerated there, but sometimes I get tired of him. Lately I've been getting really tired of him. Almost to the extent that I may be getting ready to let him go for good. But I know not for sure. These are rash thoughts that I'm entertaining, all I know is that the freedom was nice and it's been nice not having to work around him, listen to his jokes for the 92,837th time, nor babysit him when he gets drunk. But at the same time, he is a great guy. But I'm wondering if he's great for me.

I talked to a friend today, whom I admire muchly, and he and his bf of 3 years have split. Wow. I was in shock. Upon hearing this news I wanted to raise my hand and shout, "Oh, Oh, pick me, pick me!" He is bright, handsome, fun, easy going, and great to talk to. So of course I intruded some when I asked if there was someone else... he paused and said nothing serious, just a friend, and followed that by saying it's nice to hang around someone that he has a good time with, and who makes him feel good and special. I was going to get a name and an address so I could dispose of this competition, but then realized that I was in a relationship myself already. But if my heart's no longer in it, what's keeping me there?

I saw two guys last night, one of whom I also have had a longstanding crush on, and his bf was so nice and cute. They looked so happy and content together. They have been dating for awhile now, I think one to two years, and they are still like newly-weds. They held hands to go get a drink together, they were by each other all the time, but there was a comfort around them that they did it cuz they wanted to, not cuz they felt they had to. I don't feel like that.

Putting this all into text makes me realize that I either need to work on my relationship or end it to be fair to him. But I know that I don't have what I want, or what I need.

But I don't know. Please don't say you're sorry.

After the bar last night, my friend and I were discussing the cute boys and my friend told me that if I'd tone up, I'd be "freakin' sexy." He then said, "you hide your weight well though." He's seen me in my underwear. I knew what he meant. And he is right. I would have much more confidence if I would just eat right and exercise on a regular basis. Seriously. He then said if I'm not planning on staying with this bf then I need to get back in shape. He was reading my thoughts. He knows. He knows me well, I wonder how. But he has said somethings that are totally my character to the core. But at the same time, I know he doesn't say them out of spite, but that he really cares about me, and he knows that him saying a few, possibly true things about me is not going to challenge our friendship. If your friends can't say it, who can?

So this is a call to arms that I need to get things in order, like my love life, and my body. I'm going to summer school in a little more than a week, and I need to spend a lot of time on that. Anyway, my thoughts need sorting. This was a help.

And Tell Me Boy, Now Wouldn't That Be Sweet?

And I could be your sweet escape.


Once again I think that I'm the last person in the world to get mildy fascinated with Ryan Seacrest. I watched the Wednesday night show last night, and when Ryan was interviewing on the street, or talking to people about the show, his shirt looked soo good on him.

This isn't the shirt, it was just a picture that google image search results yielded.

Moist, warm desire. Fly to me. I'm you Candy-Perfume Boy. The Sacred Nerve is Magic Poison.On to other news:

I have passed all my classes this semester and officially I will be applying to pharm schools. I'm nervous. What if they say no? I'm not going to think about that. Today I also began my official Get-In-Shape-To-Look-Hot-Like-Ryan-Seacrest diet routine. And actually I should say it's a Life-style change.

My goal is to look like Mr. Craig in swimming trunks. I'm tired of having to beware of Capt. Nemo when I'm out in the pool or lake. I wish I could go to the beach. I think it's about time to go to San Diego.

Well, I think it's time for me to go hang out by the pool.

Circles in the sand,
Ryan

Hey you, I don't like your gf, I could be your gf!!

Why am I the last one in the world to finally get into Fall Out Boy? I absolutely love the songs "It's not a Scene, It's an Arms Race" and "Sugar, We're going Down."

The hot guy from the ASU book store is my good friend's new boyfriend. I've know K since before I came out of the closet. His bf, Mr. ASU-Bookstore is a hottie. Wait, Hottie (capital "H"). I'm happy for them.

I went to BS West last night and saw SX. LOVE him. He hooked me up with drinks all night and did it with his pearly smile. Mmm, mmm. He has his own shop on Mill Ave that he makes t-shirts to order. I've had a few shirts made there and I love to go in with an idea and walk out wearing it. I think the store is called Brand-X. If any of you all are in Tempe or visit AZ, you should go. And by you all I mean you, Anthony. I think you're the only one who reads this silly little blog of mine.

I love her.

And if anyone knows who this is, please let him know that I'm open to the idea of a date and then possibly marriage and children. What a beautiful, artistic picture. I hope he likes Madonna. And if not, then I'll become a closeted Madonna fan. For the first date. First five minutes of the first date. I'll try not to introduce myself as Ryan, a fan of Madonna.

xoxo,

Ryan

puer prudentior est quam puer

Probably what the sculptures of Rome in antiquity would pound out on a daily basis. The nobility seemed to have them, and the world today calls it Roman when it's that prominent. Sometimes they don't work on faces, but on his it does. "Mmm, mmm, some thing's coming over me..." I'm stealing peaks like a child behind a pew at church, very interested in the person sitting behind me. But in this case he is on my left. He just stretched, his arms are that of a Greek god.

Anyway this is the end of the school year. And good riddance. I'm done with this place... for a few weeks anyway. I just wanted to get some thoughts out while I give my over-worked, saturated, Economically-challenged brain a rest.

Relationships. I was thinking in the shower today what mine right now is building off from, and what is its foundation. I had trouble defining anything and wonder if it's comfort I feel now or if this is the beginning of love and I'm waiting for the show to start. Or I may just be incapable of feeling anything deeper with my heart. What a great guy he is. But sometimes I want him to go sit over there while I have some time to myself.

A guy that I was interested in, and from what he said, he felt similar said, "When we get together we just talk about us." At the time, it was as if that was a no no. We needed to get together and discuss the world, art, philosophy, government, politics, the social structure, drugs, the rising costs of health care, and when I would be able to meet grandma. But when we got together we just talked about the bazaar attraction we felt for each other. Founded only on the fact that we liked each other. Unexplained. Our common ground was that we enjoyed each others' company and felt good around the other, and so would discuss it. It was only a short week and was doomed from the beginning; he moved on to bigger and better things (a great guy) and I moved on as well. No milk was spilled so no need to cry.
Sometimes I wonder where the relationship would have gone. Would I have eventually gotten sick of his bourgeoisie attitude and kicked his ass to the curb? Or would I have tried to make it work? Would my eyes start to wander? That I'm sure they wouldn't. Even though it never happened completely, I'm willing to bet that it would have been good. And I always found him attractive. But it would never have been able. It was under odd circumstances that we met and spent time together.

Music, Over and Over.

I am beyond happy that I found my ipod. It was in my car. I felt like a dummy. But now the good times can roll once again.

sic te occurro: unus

The snow outside the window made a small loop before the breeze carried it off to its new home. He looked through the photo albums; his thoughts within the realm of the past. What has become of these people he thought.

The sun set in a spectacular show, as I sipped a cocktail with my good friend on his back patio. "So what are we going to do tonight?" I asked him. He responded with an unsure grunt and sipped his wine. The day had been torpid and we were enjoying it; but that's as far as emotion went. The weeks prior were full of running, hectic, loud, must-be-there events. Today we weren't there, or anywhere really. I got up to plop more ice in my drink and noticed that my friend had missed a text. "impromptu party, my house, 8pm." It was from someone he knew and I didn't. "Hey, I took the liberties of reading your text, here." He took the phone, "I haven't heard from him in quite sometime."
8pm we were just getting into the shower. He had a huge shower with what seemed like 8900 water heads, and we had since lost the modesty as well as the Eros for each other. Getting dressed we hemmed and hawed over how much we had gained and how we needed to get back to the gym. I broke a bottle and slit his throat because he was bemoaning his disappearing sculpted abdomen. Which in all reality was as defined as ever. I on the other hand, well, never mind.
At 9pm he drove me to a strange part of the city, or really just a street I had never gone down. But I could easily have found my way to the nearest bar should this party be a bust. I'm vigilant like that. The party was well lit, and full of beautiful men. I surmised most of the group and when the cute host came to greet us, and forgot to even look in my direction, I figured that I'd just make friends with his vodka. Hmm, where is the good stuff, ah, tucked under the counter like most good vodka so that other people won't drink it. I'm sure some saw me open the new bottle, but they might have had to talk to me to interfere. I wasn't too worried about the cuties stooping like that. I'd rather give them fodder to burn for a few minutes as they burn my back with cold words. Besides, after a few sips, they'd be a blur anyway.
I settled into a soft patio sofa near the waterfall to the pool. The water was so blue. It was so well lit. I wondered how much it would cost to fill it with vodka.
"What's your name sexy?" I looked up to see a tipsy man swoop down into the seat next to me. "What great teeth you have, I'm Neil."
"I'm Ryan." I shook his hand and wondered if his dentist used a bull-dozer to get that effect and then commented on the blueness of the pool. He actually did turn out to be a nice guy, despite his poorly lined teeth, and after another vodka soda, I forgot to look for him again. My friend was catching up with old acquaintances and I decided to circumvent the groups standing in the kitchen and dining room, and pretty much everywhere else, and dart through the master bedroom to use the bathroom. I was all alone and rather happy to be in solitude. I finished up and then ran right into the other cute host of the evening. I just smiled and excused myself, embarrassed that he was really cute and I was in his bedroom uninvited. I tried to exit but he grabbed my arm, and said something about how he loves to see attractive men in his room, and then I smiled and said something, I don't remember, since all I could think of was how attracted I was to him, how nice he was, how great of a smile he had, what pretty eyes were looking back at me, and then I became an eagle and flew to the door, landing on my friend's shoulder and regaining my composure. I searched for some water. I will NOT be tipsy in that man's house. I need to gather my wits should he find me again, so I can present myself with poise and dignity.

was 2005 really just two years ago?

Lately I've been dipping into '05 here and there... pictures and such. I think it's because I've just been in touch some with someone who was a major part of my life that year. It's nice returning to some damn good times. I felt like nothing could get better. Everything was going my way. I think that it was definitely a golden time of my 20s. I've been playing with pictures and some thoughts that have come to mind...

A sushi with sake. I don't remember winning or losing. We believed the world was at our feet.

Only the good moments of yesterday seem to remain. The entire nights with out sleeping. Wishing you'd just arrive already.

There was never a bad time, just ingenuity. When I sleep, the silence constructs a time that we shared smiles often, and the lights shone so brightly.
You'd just be lazy and I'd be lazy too. Who knew responsibility would sneak up on you and then on me. Who knew that I'd be writing you letters via snail mail, wishing you were somehow here again, yet so happy for your success.
My eyes wide open and ear full of water. Dreaming a dream of euphoria. Because everything.
I'm not very smart. I knew something was wrong. But I can't feel bad for what I never had. I'll turn to stone and lose my faith before I let it happen again. I'll be gone. Selling out is not my thing. Walk away. I won't be broken again, I won't fall apart.
"I still believe in your eyes. I just don't care what you've done in your life. I'll always be here by your side. Don't leave me waiting too long, please come by. I still believe in your eyes. There is no choice, I belong to your life. I live to love you someday. You'll be my baby and we'll fly away. And I'll fly with you. Every day and every night, I always dream that you are by my side, every day and every night. I said every thing's gonna be alright. And I'll fly with you."

Dream of me. I felt like I was going to explode of so much happiness. But when you go quiet, alone at night. Not at all. Look at me, who to be? Should I give a damn? I don't know who I am. Wishing to find beauty, someone as talented. I can say now you are special, you are someone I still look up to. But now I know that I am special too, special like you.

Some where way up high, as dreams fly with blue birds. They come true, just wish upon a star and look beyond the clouds. No toubles, somewhere. With green and red trees and flowers. Brightness of day, I like to laugh.

And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

I'm not sure, but I think that I don't need to explain myself. We all interact in this life, and we all learn from each other. I have come in contact with some great people, and then some others. I enjoy the effect people have on my life when it's good, but I still learn from the bad. I might write in a script, coded by letters, but to me I let out my heart's and mind's thoughts, yearnings, cries, and joys. I don't know what to say to you except that I'm happy for you, or at least trying to be. Somewhere soul-deep down I still feel that we shouldn't have gone wrong, but stayed right. But trees sprout leaves in the spring; I still water my plants. I see the signs along the road I'm traveling and try my best to read them.

I simply cannot get enough of "Like a Virgin" on the Confession Tour CD. Seriously one of the best songs and renditions of the song as far as I'm concerned... yes I even think better than Blond Ambition.

Erotic

what a week. Last night I was all wiggles and nerves until I got home from work and then c-r-a-s-h-e-d. I don't know why I was sooooo tired. But the pharmacist that I work with gave me her number. I think she would like to go out sometime. I'm open to the idea. Dating a girl again might be good, and who knows, I could fall in love and get married and have children. Or something.

but on the gay side of things, a guy that I hung out with Sat night totally caught my attention. He's totally straight, except he's open to the idea of sex with guys, but he just exudes sexuality. I loved it. Def a sexual being. When I hear Madonna sing "Erotic, erotic, put your hands all over my body... erotica... romance... erotica... romance... I'd like to put you in a trance... (all over me)..." I think of him and just being completely sexual with him. Mmmmm......

Don Ryan Triumphant: The Return

No, that's not me. And really I'm not aspiring to look like that. But if I did I wouldn't complain. I just finally since the fisrt of December, returned to the gym today! I also got over a friend mess-up. Though I don't hold any grudge against him, anymore, I find I do like lower doses of him in my life. And two of my favorite people in the world might be returning to Phx.

So here is my boy situation in plain English:

I was seeing a guy, but he isn't really putting much effort into seeing me. So it's died down and I'm not looking to revive it. He wasn't that much fun anyway, kinda high maintenance... however if he does put some energy into it, I will respond. It's not over, just kinda dying. I'm also talking to another guy but we've tried to date before, there's just still a lot of left over sexual tension. I don't want to date him really, I just want to be sexual with him in a committed kinda way, if that makes sense. But more than likely that won't happen, and that's fine by me.

So for those of you who are long-time readers you might be thinking, "wow, he's not all obsessive over any guy, he's actually just letting things develolpe as they will." Or something similar.

;)

I knew the day was dawning

"She could have easily disappeared into pop obscurity like the other frothy pop tartlets (Cyndi Lauper, Neneh Cherry) who came to fame on nascent MTV in the early 1980s. But Madonna's masterful manipulation of her image and the press, combined with an astute business sense, have crowned her as one of entertainment's wealthiest and most enduring acts. While her albums don't sell like they used to, her concerts still set attendance records all over the world, grossing $1 billion over the course of her 20-year career. The Material Girl's portfolio is also crammed with expensive items like contemporary art, real estate and a wardrobe of no small historical significance." -forbes

I wish that they did, but alas, they don't. But I still love her!

college fever

OMG!!!!!!

This was my horrorscope for today:

"The trouble with some neighbors can be ironed out by simply moving on. You are on automatic pilot today. Offer no opinions but accept any leads graciously and follow them. Soulmate energy could be stalled because of too much attention."

not sure what

I awoke last night to the evil, rude, loud neighbors doing. There was a loud knocking on the wall. Despite that I'm all for copulation, I hate these people. But put up with it anyway. But I decided this morning it's on. I'm going to pound on the wall and begin to make their lives miserable. And I'm out of there at the end of May. Only 4.5 short months away!
But the part that annoys me the most: the power I'm allowing them to have over me. If I hear some loud music or get woken at night I'm pissed and they determine my mood. So now I'm going to try and just look beyond that; learn to be in the mood I want to be in.
On to other news:
I still haven't gotten my ass to the gym. I did run two miles last night and I'm eating much better... trying to stay to the basic groups, away from the preservative stuff and the bad carbs (except breads and pasta and everything like that). I mean like donuts, fast food, etc.
But I'm still far from the physique I want to be. But I'm working there. March 15th is coming quick!

Fire in my core

I've been dealing with some pretty bad heartburn lately. I'm on the ranitidine, but it's not kicking it as well as it used to. I think I need to start eating better. Ugh. I don't want to say good bye to my Jack in the Box, or Taco Bell. Eww. I just read that I eat there and got sick. I think my alter ego was the one who bought it. I'll have to get after her. She is a fat girl after all. I need to skinny her down.

Over a Glittering Cloud

It's been so long since I've been on this thing. I was looking around various shops today and thought that I wanted to really blog again. I thought I wanted to be edgy, thoughtful, sexy, forward. Because that seems to be where I'm at in life. Not that I'm those things, but that I'm ready for change and I'm ready for a new me.

I was talking with my good friends who's visiting from Italy this holiday season and said that I just wanted to be stronger: physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, liguistically, intellectually, etc. The list goes on and on. This though was stemming from talking about how I feel that 2007 is such a strong year, the numbers are strong, 20, 7, even 00. I like the look of them together. And they are all numbers that I've liked in my life. Then next year that will have this effect on me I think is 2013, another strong year.

I like this mindset because I want to get my ducks in a row, so to speak. And for me to get them all in a row I will have to be very disiplined and very strong. The hardest will be myself. I'm naturally very lazy and just let things happen. Sometimes I'm a bomb that ticking and sometimes I explode.

I went to the art walk/first friday that Phx does. It felt good to get out and about. I also felt the creation there, and felt like I wanted to be apart of it. The creation, making things, making things better. Making my life what I want it to be. Finally, doing it. So let's see, I'm going to try my hardest.