I am special too

I jump in.
No, stand back.
Take it slowly.
Take your time.
You've gone too far
too soon.
Take a step back while there
is still time.
You found someone beautiful.
Someone who makes you
feel beautiful.
But take back your heart.
It's too early to hand out.
Don't play the fool.
Again.

You are still special.
You are already whole.
You have your own life.
You fight for your own way.
You have shown that you
can make it alone.

Life will never be complete,
that's the best part.
Always changing,
always evolving.

Let go of illusions.
Stay with the truth.
Remember who you are.
I am still special.
I am me, and I am loved.

Just breathe

Wow, stress to the maximum is how I feel: finals, new relationship, being sick. I don't like it.

I am already terrible at relationships so I'm trying really hard to chill with this one and just keep it chill. Especially since it's just been a few weeks. But exacerbated with finals and being sick, I feel like the end is very near, and inevitable... ugh.

Breathe, breathe, breathe, xanax... lol

Still good advice...

I still remember a friend telling me to not be the victim. So I'm not going to fall into that trap again. I won't be the victim when it comes to this relationship. He seems to be perfect: met through good, mutual friends, we share similar interests, we are attracted to each other, I love his personality, I can listen to him talk - he keeps my interest... just so happy with him.

But with it come the fears of the unknown and uncertainties... but just have fun with it, keep from getting too involved too quickly, and of course when something doesn't work out the way I want, I will not be the victim but rather I will be a part in adjusting, fixing, and working to keep this good thing good. ;)

So I might be a hypocrite. Jealous. Loud. Pretentious. Threatened. Capitalist. Heaven forbid I be ignored or criticized. I may have abused my power, forgive me. I don't want to accept that we are all one.

You said wouldn't it be a shame to know how great I was minutes before I died. I cringed.

I was hoping we could heal each other. I was hoping we could be more together.

bring it back

Just burn all the memories, too many names and information.
Shadows on the floor in the kitchen.
Still trying to not be naive.

Going to New York, leave this behind in AZ.
I needed to know what type of people I'd deal with there.
I'm now overly cautious. I try not to be head-strong.

Terrified.

I'm not wanting to stare, but why you haven't cracked open yet has me amazed.
I tried to be there, but you pused us away.

Resilient. Big-time. Ahead-of-your-time.
You are. I am.

I can still get mad

I'd be lying if I said I was alright with how you've moved behind my back.
I'd just be proving you right by keeping quiet or speaking up.
What can my reaction be? You have me figured out, don't you?
I just can't not. I can't not fight when I'm misread.

Needing a hug is whining. You'd be slighted if I said your love isn't love.
But I can't complain can I? Because I'm the one reaching for it, aren't I?
I can't help wonder why you even ask me.

You think you're the right one.
You think you're the charmed one.
Who do you think you are really, underneath?

Why do you offend me?
Why do you affect me still?
Why to you hinder me?
Why do you unnerve me still?
Why do you trigger me after all this time?

I can't like everyone

Are you still trying to make up for what you lack?
Are you mad that I had to have emotional affairs?
Are you still mad I didn't play into your palm?
Of course you are.

Do you still want to make me jealous by flirting wildly?
Do you remember that I always had one foot out the door?
Do you want to still use me as a cruch?
Of yours you do.

Are you mad that I could only like your potential?
Are you mad that I threw in the towel?
Are you mad that I gave up long before you did?
Of course you are.

Hope is no Secret

I don't know how many times I've hit a wall. And then hit another, and another, and another. It's like I get off by hitting walls. I like to put myself in positions to squirm, and fret, and try to find the light and air. Always fighting to make it work when I'm the one sabotaging myself.

Sabotaging myself. But I still hope I'll get better.

I've talked about a guy. I've wanted a guy. I've crushed after him, I've lusted after him.
But I wouldn't date me either. I wouldn't date me either.
Will things be the same? Or will I make them better?

Happiness lies in my own hands, will I take me longer to understand that?

I need to learn to love myself, I need to learn to love who I am. No more fighting, no more hollow promises, only to return to the sloth and envy, the self-spoiling.

So I share a secret, I share what I feel inside, I share in hopes I'll be held accountable by myself. So let me start. Let me accomplish much as I work hard for it. Let me enjoy the things I've earned. Let me feel content that I have worked hard and I deserve happiness, and I'll let myself be happy, finally.

When you play the game too long, no one can take you seriously.
I never got to tell you how I feel.

I put my bets on the table, my cards in my hand.
But set the stakes too high, you're bound to lose.
This game of love only brings pain.

I'll never be more than just a friend.
But you gave me something to remember.
You told me to love myself first, then someone else can.
We weren't meant to be.

Happiness I thought was with you,
wish I had the chance to prove.
What a shame, who's to blame?

I place my bets and show my cards.
Just friends,
but you gave me something to remember.

That's Funny!

(Mommy works at Home Depot – she was selling a shovel, not pole dancing!)

You can't say

You knew what would happen.
You knew how it would end.
You read the signs.
You saw the subtleties.
This should be no surprise.

So do you twist the truth now?
Are you happy now?
So it's time to hold on.
It's time to move on.

In the night, I cried so hard.
These ridiculous thoughts fill my head.

I shouldn't have trusted.
It's not going to happen now.
So now it's time to move on.
Now it's time to move on.

Still I wish I didn't feel the cry.
I wish I didn't allow such ridiculous thoughts to fill my head.
So now I hold on,
So now I move on.

sideways tonight, then logical tomorrow

Do I allow myself to dream when I know it will end?
What do I say when confronted with 10 minutes of joy?
What happens when the song is over?
Do I concentraite on the end or the beginning?
Can I run that far?

No I will grow weary.
I will need to sit down.
I cannot knowingly lead my heart to an end.
I will no longer fight uphill.

But in my dreams just tonight
I will run until I can run no more.
I will kiss until my lips feel no more.
I will love until my heart aches,
I will love until my heart breaks,
I will love until there's nothing more to live for.

we hold the key to the cause right here, underneath

Look at me jumping ship when I say I'm on board.
Look at me try to love you when I hate myself.
Look at me open my arms wide and form a clique.
Watch me as I begin to turn the tide.
I hold the key to the cause.


I'm in the middle of a crazy 4-test week. But so far I'm surviving...


Hottie:

The morning came quickly. He dressed quietly and opened the bedroom door. It had been a fun, crazy night. He had shared a cab to his friend's house and crashed in the guest bedroom. At the time he was excited to go home with his firend, he had had a crush on him since they met just a couple months earlier. He'd left his car there in anticipation of cabbing it. He got to his car and went home. He enjoyed a good crush, but it was time to let this one go, and just enjoy the friendship. He had stayed in the guest room.

in praise of a vulnerable man

Funny. Most other bloggers want people to read and comment on what they write, but I find that I avoid sometimes writing because I don't want people to read what I write.

But at the same time I don't care that people read my thoughts and what's in my head. Not like I'm going to divulge any super personal information, but anyway... I really like writing. I like to express myself through words. It's a me thing.

I saw Madonna. I saw Alanis. I loved both concerts.

Last night we had a theme party and everyone dressed in drag. It was a hoot. I was going for a $2 hooker look. I totally achieved it.

The man I want to unravel is tightly knit. He won't budge from is tower. I can only walk up to the wall and talk, hoping to get information, to learn of him. I wonder why he has a shell up. My friends say not to bother with him, but there's something in me that wants to continue prying, probing, hoping that I might find a crack. He said that he is boring. I asked about lovers and he said he's not at a place right now for that.
I wonder what happened to him, or what happened in the past to cause such thoughts and actions.

I of course continually battle myself and my insecurities. I'm happy but know I need to do so much more. I'm the one that stands in my way. But learning to accept myself and accepting that I need to change... it's quite the feat. I feel that I've moved into a space in my life where I feel comfortable, but fortunate. If that makes sense. I don't want to take anything for granted, so the "comfortable" can be misleading. I've played my cards wrong with others and ended up losing some good people and causing more work for myself down the road. But I don't cry for them anymore, and I don't cry for me anymore. I try to remember that setting stakes too high is bound for a loss.

So trying to relax these days, yet get tons of work done. Pharmacy school is not for the faint of heart. I hope I do well on these tests coming up. I will need to get my act together definitely by tomorrow. Today I went to a friend's baby shower and it was soo good to see her. I'm really happy that we're still friends. She and I have been though a lot together.

Some really good advice that I am learning to incorporate in my life:

"Be wise." My mom said that to me and it's an all-encompassing phrase. She meant that with my time and my priorities to be wise. Wow... I needed to write this to remind myself that I have a bit more work to finish before I'm off for the night.

"There comes a point where you just have to stop." A friend from Chicago said this to me when he and I were visiting San Diego. It was in a little restaurant in Hillcrest. I'd been drinking and he was put out by me. I was pressing why he had flirted with me before we met, and after we met he was totally aloof, or very "just friends." I understand now why. Or at least I've answered it for myself. But back to the advice. Stopping me when I'm full is difficult. I have an obsessive personality and when I get on a kick, I tend to ride it to the highest tide. It can be damaging. Learning to control myself, and learning to stop when I know I reach the stopping point.

I'm constantly feeling like I'm learning to trade fame for love, but I always second think things. I run, rush into things I know won't make me happy in the long run, well, be wise Ryan, be wise.

I won't be bothered

The rain was warm. Despite the drops of water falling from the sky the night was still. 14 years I hadn't felt like this. I once drempt of sailing on a clear water with the stars looking down on me. I didn't know where I was going, and I didn't care. I woke up and thought what a terrible metaphore that is.

"My name is Dita, I'll be your mistress tonight."

Full Dream

He saw the lines of light on the wall, sneaking though the thick drapes, heralding the rise of the sun. He wanted to return to sleep but his mind lurched forward to begin thinking of all he needed to do that day. A moment of solace would be wonderful he thought to himself. The night seemed to cloak the wearies of the day, to put off the events and accomplishments for just a few hours. He was happy enough, grateful even for having such occupancies of his time. Really he'd rather be no where else. But a moment, a second of peace was more relished than a gold coin might.
This was the dream he had been dreaming. This is what he wanted, he knew it. Now with a course in sight, he would bloom out to capture more of his goals and dreams. But just a few more moments of sleep would oblige him greatly.

up & down & all around: survival

I'm not going to be an angel. But it seems I try to attain it.

I feel like I'm in the same rut I have been in for a long time now. confidence is so funny. When will I get it? When I'm not confident, what am I? A victim?

I no longer wonder what happened, why things happened as they did between C and I.
I get it now.
I get that I was a mess beyond help, except though experience and my own introspection would I lift myself from. I think I'm still lifting. I think I'm over it. I hope I am. I'm pretty sure. I no longer look back with a devout fondness, nor disdain. I look back at it as a time in my life, just like other times in my life. There was joy, there was sorrow, but it was a time all the same.

This is fresh in my mind because a friend pulled some games on me and I saw that I didn't want to play anymore. And I feel that the only thing I can to which is best for both of us is to walk away.

Now I see that it's time to put my shoulder to the wheel. Rome was not built in one day, and neither will I become what I want to be. But it will take one day at a time.

I find I'm still running

stop stop
run run
block block
look for a way out
run to the sun
run to the moon
avoid the sun
avoid the rain
hide your tears
hide your fears
run run
stop stop

I'm looking for me

I run past my school
I run past my mom
I run past my life

stop, hold my breath.
I'm accountable
It's me
I'm not ready, still preparing myself

time to taste the rain,
time to taste my tears
time to face my fears

time to stop running
and face me

on me

some time for myself
I fell hard this time
good friends, next time
I won't be so blind
But for me now
I'll chalk it up to experience
and take some time
this time

not mine

I see you out, alone. No there are gloves on the chair next to you.
I'm happy you're happy, call me sometime.
My mind races, I try to slow down.
You've been on my mind.

Give you my heart
my pain won't cover up
I can't take it
You left me alone

I saw all that you are
I wanted to be open
But the works were awkward,
For years I needed to give you something.

You left me in the past.
Can't hold this love.
I can't change this,
Can't take it back (can't change your mind)

sometimes

I had to walk on,
I just wanted to hold you.
I say I can love you.
But it's fine.
I see the stars.

Walking down an empty street,
no one near.
But I know it's fine,
I see the stars.

(How do you know you?)
(How do I know you're true?)

Tonight like all the others,
we walk in the cool evening.
I'm alright,
I see the lights.

Neon lights, cigarettes, rented rooms, empty bars, golden lights, misty breath, colored shoes, I'm tired of crying on the stairs...

I couldn't

The orchestra started up.
I confess I was a little nervous,
I didn't recognize the song.

The people began to show up
In their party clothes.
The line was bowing.

You said what a pretty thing,
the steps to dance, leading me through.
suddenly I thought I knew the song.

I see how they follow, jump
(they jump)
turn (they turn)
I look back,
I won't be there.

on my mind

My mom sent an email that was kind of against gays. It offended me. But I kept quiet. But I felt some distance form between us. I just don't know still what to think abou it...

But on better news, I feel like I'm getting into the swing of school.

Smoke and Lights

The evening is quiet. I think about you.
I miss your smell, your style, the way you form your words.
I think of how you look at me.
These are the things that I miss.

Now I enter a time not for the weak.
I've stood at the top of a tower and dreamt from the fields.
Why I let myself think I'd take you in my arms.
Traveling to that land not many have let me go.
I wonder what you do in your free time now.

I lay down my torch. I lay down my sword. I lay down my shield. I lay down my heart. I lay down my abandonment. I lay down my breath. I lay down my thoughts. I lay down.

Five story fire. What a game we played. What a mess we made. What a fool I was. What a mess I was. A design I placed in the stars, but only to flush out with water.

Nothing has been clear for me. Nothing has been warm to me. I have kept one foot out the door. I have been looking for a home. I live in a limbo.
My identity.
My dreams.
My hopes.
My truths.
My breath.
My home.
My family.
My self.
What I see around me. Dear friends, my books, my memories, my treasures, my home.
I learn my purpose, I begin to set my roots. I know I can be apart of. No precluding myself, applying my wisdom. Why I think I'm not when I am.

I'm ready to be forward, moving, going, happening.

I think I put my heart back to me. No more trying to speak to a cold wall. Change is in the ground, the foundation. Giving in to so many monsters and demons. No more window dreams when I have a world all around me. Dream my own priority, my own self, my own voice, my own heart.

I know what I am, what I can become. I see the road blocks, I see my self as a part of it.
Step me over, step over me.
Bring myself to me, meet for the first time.
Dream big, dream small, dream at night, Dream at Day, dream often, dream much.

Unconventional kid, intense, piercing eyes. Overrated, deserving. but wanting to just be happy. I'm nice, I'm good, I'm loved, I'm cared, I'm me.
By my own hand
underfed, labeled, canceled out by others, allowing, (stand up).
much intentions, mis read understood.
Bravery intrinsically. Bravery alone, all by myself.

Not living in my blind spot. Not usual. Deserving. Treat me like me.
Love me. So much to offer.

My secrets. My problems. No one to solve them but me.
No one else belongs here with me.
Hello, is there something wrong with me?
Sunday I cry all night. I hurt.
But this is who I am.
No one else belongs here with me.
Color code my swords and clean clothes.
I want you to be proud of me.
Am I that crazy? Is there something wrong with me?
Try to understand, this is who I am.
No one else belongs here with me.
But me.

Ha.

I guess I still have miles to go. Wow, the victim crept out of nowhere last night and setteled in all night. But when too much EtOH happens, that can happen. Ugh.

I felt like I was invisible last night. I didn't like it and I didn't like how I was handling it. I was trying to be someone else. Yearning to pretend to be someone else. Just for a moment. I wish I could displace myself 6000 miles.

Words are never enough.

So far away from what I want to be. So far away.
So I begin the journey. I begin my quest.
I'm alright, don't be sorry, but it's true.
In my voice I waiver and sometimes crumble.

So far away,
words are never enough.

wow

it all came back. he woke something in me. that something that makes me remember. i remember why I date men. i hope to date him.

el ultimo vals

wow. I cannot believe it. My favorite band in the world broke up. Well, the lead singer, whose voice was so distinctive and for me almost the band, left them. I'll miss her.So I have listened to the new voice of LodVG. She is good too, but not the same.

So I'm going to give them a shot... but I do love them... I saw them in concert... This makes me a little sad...

So I've developed a little crush on the base player of LOdVG. Alvaro. I'll be dreaming my dreams... ;)

The new paperboy done gone and broke my sternum

I'm tired. There's so much I need to do tomorrow for school. videogameboy done gone and caught my attention again. Rowingboy is surely a hottie, and nice, and smart.

Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Night.

Orchid, no rose please

It's very east to get distracted, side-tracked, amused with a site, caught up in other stuff... really anything applies when I'm not accomplishing the task I set out to do. I was in the shower and realized that I haven't written in this thing for some time. I was thinking how much fun I've had doing this. I like to let my thoughts out and allow them to flow to the world.

My favorite Alanis song right now is "Orchid." It makes me think about myself and how I view who I am. For so long I've defined myself based on how I perceive others seeing me. I look at my life, my room, my belongings like I'm looking through the eyes of others. It seems I'm always trying to please. Also I had a recent incident of "the victim" crop up. It worried me. I don't want to digress.

I've been thinking a lot about VideoGameBoy (VGB). He said a very poignant comment. I was looking though his library and admiring, commenting, and asking about the books he had read, or at least had on his shelf. And then when we settled down to play a video game, he asked what the last book I read was. It was Wicked. And I think that is the only book I have read this year. This year. Wow.
I really had thought that I had read more than that. So I've been thinking that I need to read more. I'm trying to read The Other Bolyn Girl and also Lord Jim, but I have only just read few pages into them. It seems I'm much more intrigued to watch a re-run of The Simpsons.

Who am I now? Where did the Ryan go that used to read? That used to have a zest for life? Am I treating my life like a rose when really it's an orchid? Wanting, seeing, hoping, waiting, doing what I think I should do, but going about it all wrong?

Am I happy? Not fully I don't think. Not fully.

Today I weighed in. I weight X. I want to become X-12lbs by the end of Sept. My late evening snacking is what I really, really need to work on. On a 1-5 scale, I snacked at a 3 tonight. It was awful. I'm trying to not be upset, I snack all the time, and old habits die hard. I need to progress.

I miss some people tonight. I miss The Waterless Fish. But he's out of my life, and despite the sentiments dwelling on his absence, I am happy. I think I'm beginning to love what we shared and I'm okay with him moving on with his life. I have a few questions, but the fact that they have no answer may be the answer.
I miss the dancing girls. They always knew how to make me feel like the most special guy in the world.

Class is going well. I am trying to get a handle on what I'm doing with it all. 17 credits is a heavy load and juggling it is rough for me. But worth it. It has to be, is this my dream, or a hurdle? It's all about perspective.

Lastly, Xaiver has been on my mind a lot. He's bust with his job, love life, family, schooling, his life. I wish I could just hold him tonight as I fall asleep. Silly of me to even muse of him, but I do so tonight.

I'm on the road to get happy, not that I'm not happy, but I know I have potential.

"I'm a sweet piece of work
Well intentioned and unloved
Unlabeled and misunderstood
Treated like a rose as an orchid"

Good for me

So it was good for me to hang out with R. He reminded me that I'm not as busy, or even fit-to-be-tied as I thought I was. I can do so much more.
So much more.
He's good for me.
I need to start reading again. I need to clean my room again. I need to look at the sky again. I need to enjoy the birds chirping again. I need to take Ginger for walks again. I need to call my mom more often. I need to babysit my neices and nephews more.
So much more.
A bump on a log no longer. A heap on my bed no more.
I can be so much more.

Something

So Madonna is now 50. I'm looking to move, and I'm tired.

I may have it a wall

I'm so tired of all the crap. Really.
I'm tired of these ideals, and if you're not up to par, you suck.

Wow.

I'm tired of all this crap.

I think I allow myself to be in the crap.
I'm getting out.

I don't care if it's not right,

I still want your arms around me.

Pot of coffee, consulting the coffee rings. When do I tell myself to get over you?
The the unknown intrigues me. I want to get into your head, learn your thoughts.

I could never know you well, you're too complex.
That is what draws me to you.
(The coffee's cold now)
My attention is drawn to thoughts of you sleeping next to me. You move, your leg touches mine.
I debate internally if I should respond or if you just sleeping. Sleep usually won, and still wins.
I want to put my thoughts of you to sleep.

Be the friend you indirectly tell me you need.
I think that I'll be done with it. Tell myself to just be done with it.

I wonder if the microwave should heat the coffee.
I wonder if the microwave could heat your emotions.
I wonder if the microwave would bring us together.
And then I laugh.

Chasing what I thought

I tried to think you were good for me. You were though. I thought I knew.

But I try to remain unaffected.

There's this emotion that I feel in my core. I know what it means, I know who makes me feel it. But with him, lonely is a garuntee, he's not coming home to me.
Please can I go with you? I'll be your beauty #2.
Hey can I go with you? My beauty is only number two.
It's over, I don't want to be over. It's not over.

I wish I were. I wish I were the object he wanted.
But he sees me as a rose, to not be touched.
I know I'm not, I'm an orchid.
I'm all intense around him, trying to hide my faults.
I want to trust him with my heart, and have him trust me.

Happy to be incomplete

By that I mean still evolving. I am a sweet piece of work, or I want to think so. I wonder if I'm like an orchid but trying to live like a rose.

Putting both feet into my life. I don't want to live half-way anymore.

it's been awhile

I'm good, but...
I like him, but...
They like me, but...
I think I want to, but...

Are you limitations? Until I try I won't know.
I wish you would just like myself. Happy in chosing this moratorium.

Moratorium from the flavors of entanglement. (By Alanis) (I good new word)

So now I chose to fly solo, to fly free. Just like Elphaba.
I hope I'm happy.

sense of myself

Finally understand where I go wrong. Comprehend my mistakes. A foundation of direction. No more limbo. Still growing up. Still making mistakes. Still not understanding. Still falling off my foundation. Hoping for divine perfection.
Done.
Gone. Here.
Starting. Beginning.
Commencement. Finished.
End.
Fun now, fun later. Learn from my past. Smile, love, accept, enjoy, utopia, hell, cry, friends, lovers, cheating, honesty, it's a bitch to learn, it's wonderful to love, knowledge is power.

Keep going forward, I'm afraid to be stagnant.

myself/ground

I've lost myself. I'm not writing for me anymore:

I forget why I do what I do.
Why I like what I like.
What makes me, me.

So much has happened, and rather quickly. I thought I wanted it so badly. But now I find I don't want all that.

I want to be happy. I've changed my mind on people, places, things, etc. I'm trying to be what I'm not. I'm trying to be what I think I should be. But not what I am.

Stepping out of the whirlwind. Finding the light and quiet again. Watching a leaf fall to the groud; blow in the wind. When the sun sets and the city sky reflects the particles to its canvas. Feeling words get caught under my fingernails. Digging in the water, running to catch the dust. Remembering to remember much and often, and smile twice that. Looking for my room's ground. New goals phoenix the old ones. Old knowledge pouring new. A life of understanding, fruition, events, passings, etc. Making bonds, mending damaged bonds, breaking bad bonds. Anticipating May, brooding over December.

Heavy on my heart

It's hard. I say. Can the sun ever shine too much?

In My Mind's Eye

I am sitting on a large rock, over a stream. My feet are in the water, being stirred by the current, and I'm enjoying the cool water. I feel like I've walked a very long way.

Recently some stuff has gone down. And I find that after my initial reaction of feeling hurt and betrayed, I am stepping back to analyze the situation.
Am I happy? Was I happy? What went wrong? Was I completely to blame? Do I want to hang around to see if it gets better? I was hurt once already.
I'm always quick to point out that I'm not perfect. But I don't think I deserved all that was shot out at me. The silence. The disregard. Treating me like a child. Talking down to me.
My emotions have recoiled. It's not the same: things are different, things have changed for me. It's still weird. I'm in a limbo. I know that I am waiting, I'm hesitating.

I'm hoping that he will try to make amends, try to reach out to me. But I can't return on my own.

Once bitten, twice shy.

Things are different, but have things changed?

I saw something very similar written on someone's myspace. It made me think. And I think I liked the implications of it. You can move to a different spot in the theater, but still see the same show. Only your view is different. Hopefully it's a bit more clear. I hate to think someone would move to distort or block his/her view.

I know that I view things much more differently. I think it is more clear too. But I still have a lot of uncertanties in my mind. But only time carries the answers. And my job is to be patient.

I knew I wasn't ready to be done, I knew I needed to try again. I knew I needed to explore other possibilities. I knew I was not going to give up. And I had to start to look at things differently. I had to look at myself, my life, where I was going. I can't forget who I am, but I always want to learn how to become a better person.

So it's the summer-- summertime...

So much swirling around my thoughts: new boy, graduation, pharmacy school in the fall, etc. I think you can call me happy.

At the Polls...

Which one do you like best? From left to right: #1, 2, 3, or 4?

Day 1 - voices ring in my head

I woke up with this song in my head. He was staying over. I worried that he didn't sleep well. I know that I was up a lot. Weird, but I think I'm at the two-week-withdrawl. I find that I'm starting to find why I shouldn't like him. But it's just fear. He's still good, a great guy. My insecurities usually pop up around this time to convince me I'm happier alone. They say that he really doesn't like me. But what do they know?

I find that when he's away from me, I like him more.

My nail biting needs to come to an end. That is something I need to work on. Also I'm going to the gym right after the laundry gets done in the washer. This is all part of my goal for the 90 days.

I'm getting over some of my past. The only conclusion I could draw was that I just need to put it in a box and forget about it for now. I don't know how to deal with certain emotions and feelings that still creep up from time to time. I'm hoping that as time goes by I'll understand them more, or really learn to not worry about them. I'll truly get over them. I think it's all part of getting my ego in check. I'm still prideful about a lot of things and still indignat and angry about them as well. I still blame others in my heart for what happened.

I blame them for their weaknesses. I don't feel they are totally unscathed, and totally in the right. I don't think they handled it as they should have. But we are all still just kids.

I've learned that with age one does get wiser, but one is still prone to act childish. I thought that adults had it all figured out, but I see that we all are still trying to understand life and figure ourselves out. I don't think anyone really has it figured out.

More Musing

I feel like a fuzzy dream is just ending. What was ASU? I'm no longer there, I'm no longer in my undergrad. I'm going to be starting a doctorate program. Technically you could call me a Dr. when I graduate from pharm school. I always wanted to be a Dr, and I guess now I'll be one. Course I always thought It'd be a medical doctor. But I don't want to practice medicine.

This summer I want to concentrate on goals that I simply need to accomplish.

Tomorrow thought Aug 2nd starts a 90-days programme. I don't know what it entails totally, but that I'm going to be very productive... lol.

"Miles Away"

That's my favorite song from the album so far. "All my dreams, they fade away. I'll never be the same." I feel that I'm in a transition: graduation, pharmacy school, new boy. My coworker and I were talking that life just seems to be going really, really well. We're both waiting for the shoe to drop, for life to slap us back down with a splintered ruler. But I get that life is what you make it. You get what you give. What goes around comes around. I've been trying really hard to be a good person; to not be victimized, to be strong, to let little shit go. "So far away..." could possibly be an introspection to where she wishes she were, to where she wants to get.
I feel so far away still from what I want to be, but so much closer at the same time.

I still struggle with letting the past go. There are still people who creep around in my thoughts that I thought, that I hoped were resolved, but they are not.
I still silently cringe when I hear their name. I still lower my eyes when I see them out. I still feel a hollow lump form in my chest when I hear news about them.

I wish I could let it go.
I wish I could just get over it.
I wish I could just go on.

I have moved on in my life. I have made progression. I think I'm a good person. I've learned from my mistakes. I've learned not to assume the worst. I've learned to just let people be who they are. I've learned to not expect anything from others, except myself.

But I still don't move on. I still digress. I still let myself get tripped up on illusions.

I hope with time I'll get better.

My thoughts, my rants, my raves

So I was just browsing the other day, and decided to visit http://ohlalaparis.com and I see that they've GROWN. A lot. I remember when they were just beginning, or at least when I first started to visit. I haven't been by but a handful of times in the past 2 years, and I guess they've moved onto bigger and better, and I'm sure much more lucrative things. I still remember when they were smaller and I LOVED one of the pics they took.

So I tried to look for it and ended up going through some memories, lots of old friends and good times... wow. But I couldn't find it. But the point was that one of the guys emailed me directly. I'm sure they are still in touch, but I'm sure they are much more busy.

What was the point? I don't know other than things change. sigh.

I cannot wait for Madonna's new album. YUM!

A Petal that isn't Torn

I've been thinking that there's a lot that I need to drop from my life. I need to let go of a lot. Still.
I feel that I have made much progress, but it's still so easy to fall into the same habits and the same ruts. I've fought to be so strong, and move beyond my hang-ups. But I still fall.
Sometimes I go to a secret garden, a place that I can be where there is no bad and all the crazy thoughts in my head are normal. But I'm still thirsty to understand life, and my yearning for knowledge increases.
I've become very picky about lovers. I don't want just anyone. I'm happy to be alone, and can wait forever because I don't want to settle.

I am a fan of Madonna. But purely from a writing point of view, this article on Madonna was very well done. I thought so anyway. The writer apologetically uses references with out explaining the meaning and the context. I loved it. I felt like I was reading literature (to be so brash). I felt like it wasn't another "This is Madonna, and this is what I think of her" (though he did offer his opinion quite a bit). He painted her in shades and lights, used metaphors, and presented a story. I was intrigued. Oh, and reading something new on Madonna was nice.

So Many Thoughts...

I have so much swirling around in my head right now. It seems that finally things are going the way they need to. But more importantly, I think I finally understand that it's me who makes them happen.
I look back over this past year and I feel like it was a dark and bumpy road. I was unsure, depressed, and not doing a whole lot to get myself out of there. But around December I started to pull myself out of it. It was difficult. It was a process. I'm still working my way to a better me; a better life.
The road is still going to be rough and tough at times, I'm going to fall down and have to get back up, but I feel like I've made it though the longest stretch of hard terrain. I feel like I have the strength in me to deal with what may come next.

I'm looking forward to the road ahead.

I think the biggest change was that I accpted that I needed to change. I feel like I'm a better person, more so in my life. I'm doing what I know needs to get done. I'm trying to improve. My goals are to better myself and try to better the world around me. Then things will happen when they need to happen. I'm sure I'll find someone who fits like a glove into my life; someone I adore and who adores me.
I'm happy, I'm getting more happy as I continue to set and attain my goals. I know I'm capable of doing anything. It will just take hard work to do it. And I'll always reach for the things that may be just beyond my grasp. But I won't know until I try.

First; Latest

Just Friends

I at the wall by the fountain.
You walking to me.
Clear, fresh night. My flame for you strong.
My universe on you.

You low, me high.
Mirrors in the room.
You in my eyes.
What a dream.

I felt the same.
Like you had never left me.
One, two martini later.
Time always wins.

I wanted more.
I still want more.
But right is obeyed.
All a flash, in a dream.

Where to start. But I'm tired. I'm lying through my smile. I'm dying away inside. I'm happy you're in love. You are special.
I do adore you so. You're so beautiful. Do you know how I feel? How do you feel? How do you feel without me? I'm so powerless, I need to sit up straight. Why's it happening? How's it it happening that you feel it with out me?
It's good to be in love. I'm really happy for you. I'm happy you're in love.

You don't look at me like you used to. You don't speak anymore in "us." Excuses have taken your place, and I ask you to not come back. You should know well at your age what this does to a heart.

All the time I spent with you... all the time...

a letter not left behind

I'm not sure why, but as I entered the kitchen I immediately noticed that the bowl of fruit was different: one of the apples was missing. When I entered the office, I thought my desk looked like most things were shifted a few centimeters off. The bedroom had a faint hint of my cologne; the bed seemed to be straightened up just off from how I left it.

I opened the door, went to your room and laid on your bed. I closed my eyes, you were just on the other side, I didn't reach out. I sprayed your cologne and smelled you again. I saw the papers on your desk, same bills and correspondence as always. I knew you liked the apples the best, so I was able to taste you once more.
I should leave, the sun is setting. I should go before you catch me here.

I sat down at the table, staring at the fruit bowl. I'd have given you so much more if you had only waited just a minute longer.

You're Right,

I think I am tired of playing the victim. Thanks for pointing that out.

make right

A veces, cuando el aire se halla quieto, y mis pensamientos deambulan por donde quieran, te encuentro. Te encuentro sentado en un rincon de mi mente, a veces sonriendo, otras veces pensando en algo. Pero siempre veo tus ojoas oscuros sino claros. Me cuentan un cuento lleno de lomas y llanos, de una vida que esta envuelto en cristal.
Pero ya no escalo aquellas lomas de mi pasado contigo. Y todavia no se porque no. Te fuiste sinc decir me por donde.
Pero no te segi, quiero que tengas tu libertad.

ojos rosados, pienso en ti

I smile to myself, close my eyes, you were so close to me.
I could talk for hours about anything with you.
I would try to cature your image to hold you with my always.
I was never so happy as when you were with me.

So I don't question why sometimes I stumble.
I don't wonder when my eyes only look through tears.
I choke up at your memory, it's no mystery,
I don't know how to get over you.

laughing away the tears

Never forget. Keep it alive. Promise to try.
Head held high. Ride like the wind. Don't look behind.
Life isn't fair.
Don't run away so fast. Kiss goodbye.
It's gonna be alright.

I fought to be so strong. I was afraid.
You've got to forget the past. Learn to forgive.
Don't let memory play games. Just a faded smile frozen in time.

Can't kiss you goodbye, but I promise to try.

Something Different

I'm not sure if it was a benign break-up or if we really are going to give it a shot. I'd like to think the latter. It's been ages since I've found someone that my heart attatched to. Actually my heart threw itself on him and clutched at him so tightly that you could see the knuckles white with strain. I told it to get off, but really I was content.
The conversation was real, it was fun, it was with him.
He's at a point where he needs to devote a lot of his energy on himself.
I know in my heart I need to figure things out before I exert energy on someone else as well.

I suggested that we not say goodbye, but rather be in each others' lives. I said that we can move slowly, take time to see if it is something we have or if it's not. But in the meantime we wouldn't feel compelled to spend every moment with the other, rather get together when we can. We should be relaxed about it.

I don't know if it will work. Was it selfish on my part?

I just knew that I wasn't going to let him go without a fight.

I'm not going to demand his time or make him feel obligated to see me, talk to me, listen to me, be around me. I'm going to be casual about it, though right now my heart is feeling despondent because I have taken it away from him. Or trying.

But I felt urges to cry today. All day. I could feel the sobs creeping up my throat. I would have been happy to let them out, but they never fully came out. I knew why. I want him to want me. I'd love him to love me. But I couldn't cry. My heart was saying goodbye, releasing its grip. It's been a long time since I've felt that emotion. When something that made you feel good slipped though your hands.

But if you truly care for someone or something, you let him/it go and allow him/it to return on his/its own accord, right?

And if he doesn't come back, he did leave me with a memory and also a knowledge that I still can be found to be attractive, desirable, and all that. I've been batteling some strong self-doubt lately. He was a welcome breath of fresh air.

I've been in a low these past days. They've hurt. I've hurt. But this is who I am.

I yern to find that love. I've felt it, I know he can be found out there. But it seems that it's always just beyond my grasp. I look at a picture of two of my friends. They are so happy in the picture. I worry I'll never know it.

I worry. I learn. I let go.

How to jump into the darkness. How to see you leave paradise. How to make a circle on the beach. My heart is irreversible. Destiny marked it. Hearing the rain we sleep through.

I've been so high, to the sky. I've been so down, to the ground.

Your paradise is not for me.

since no one else belongs here with me (there must be something wrong with me)

(I can't forget what you've forgotten.
I was pretending, really your secret kiss was my escape.
The perfect game to play.)

10, 9, 8 and I'm breaking away
7, 6, 5, 4 and I'm over you
3, 2, 1 and I'm having fun.

(Your facination with bare walls and skin.
With no conditions I needed you to notice.
That's all I wanted.)

10, 9, 8 I'm dressed and ready to play
7, 6, 5, 4 there's much more to do
3, 2, 1 and I'm having fun.

(You sat in the morning light, color-coded.
Your back and star facing my direction with blank stares.
I try to understand.)

10,9 I can't wait it's a new day
8, 7, 6 error on us both
5, 4, 3 you don't belong with me
2, 1 this is who I am.

(I'm really not that crazy.
I tried so hard to not drop the pieces.
Sunday I cried all night, shattered dreams.
I wanted you to be here.)

amazed

I was fine walking alone.
I was okay with idle chat.
I felt it better we kept a distance.
I wish I would have.

If only I could let you go
I don't understand why I need you.
I cannot stop myself.
Want you and no one else.

Now this heavy and bitter arrow
in my heart.
I want to set you free,
yet you're inside of me.

It's amazing what a boy can say,
I cannot stop myself.
It's amazing what a boy can do to me,
It's amazing.

Rainy Sunday

You don't know how hard I've tried to convince myself that I can just forget.
This feeling is still inside, you left it.
It never fails to find me.

On a rainy Sunday I feel you here in me,
like the days of summer, windows down and warm ocean water.
I'll never admit that we went too far.
It guards my hope of someday.

she moves in colors

I liked all the colors around him. I don't care much for him flipping off the camera. He's attractive and of course a great body. And I'd kill to have an a** like his (course I could just do squats and lunges). But back to the colors... I like how they are vibrant and kind of blurry. Other than the finger, I really, really liked this picture.

I love the bucolic whimsy of the work. Set as it is on the vast open plains of ... perhaps Hampstead Heath. Or Le Jardin des Plantes. With its ferocious packs of indigenous poodles. And colonizing but now tentative giraffes, who are wondering to whom those bones once belonged.

take a bow, play the part

I'm back. And I started painting again. It's cathartic for me.
This was my first attempt at a human form and found that I enjoyed everything except the face. I hated trying to do that. The model has an incredibly cute face, but my rendition is kinda yucky. But oh well. I did have fun. I think I might want to start doing more human forms minus the face and hands... lol.For some reason Hawaii and Paris have been on my mind. I've never been to either place, but I've seen their faces. I think their faces have affected me more than I even realize. But I learn to let go...

I liked the colors. I liked the yellow over the dark colors. I was just thinking about something and it seems like Paris is always in the background of this thought.