learning each day to be freinds...

So I may have defined S as a filler. Something that my life lacked that I should is some way be able to provide for myself, but am incapable of doing so.

I changed my mind.

We talked today. We got on the same page. We are not boyfriends. We are not just freinds. He told me that right now all he can give is some vague more than friendship, but not much more than friendship.
He explained his life. I know what he is going through, or I can appreciate it. He's starting over and though he would never say scared, he is scared out of his mind. Uncertainty is a constant companion each day in his life. He's trying to be brave but it's draining him.

All I ask is that he is honest with me. I don't think that he isn't. I realized today that I am willing to slow things down. I might just be able to learn how to be slow, and to like and possibly love someone (one day), and not get jealous and worry that I am being kept around only to be hurt.

I realized that it's not all about me.
He is going through enough. I know that I want to be there to help but all he can handle is a meager, undefined "friends..." The ellipses meaning "and a little more."
I feel like I won today. I won a battle that has been raging within my soul for years now. How if something doesn't fit the mold I have created in my mind, then it's not good enough and must be cast out. I bended to something new. Accepting that we will just be friends... For a time. We may become more, we may not. I might find someone, he might too. But for the time being, this is what we have. I need to learn to freaking chill out. And this will help me to do that. If I see him out at a party or at a bar and we hadn't contacted each other, or he didn't tell me then I will accept that. After all, we are only friends.... Yes lots of questions are forming in my mind, what if I see him with another boy, what if I hear that he is dating someone else? I guess I would have to remember what he and I share, and I will have to talk with him.

Communication is key. As long as we keep open and honest communication then I don't worry. I trust him.

He was sweet in asking if I'm already into him, then am I capable of just backing off to just friends.... I had to hear it from his mouth. He didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know, but just hearing it from his mouth. That made the difference for me. I know that, though it will take work on my part, I know that friends... will work for me.

Where is it going to go? What will happen in four days, weeks, or months? I don't know. But then do you ever really know what is going to happen even with a spoken vow?
We trust each day that fate will allow us one more breath, one more smile, one more kiss.

I'm learning to just let things be. It is what it is. Let it will be.

Time Out

I am heading out to visit the family. This has been a crazy, tumultuous week. I feel like I just need a time to clear my head and straighten out my heart.

This guy is hot. I thought I'd leave a delightful something. And I love Madonna and her new album is AMAZING!!!

still getting there

More and more each day, I have realized that S was just filling a hole in my life. I don’t have any particular affinity for him. He was nice and cute. He was fun to talk to. But I can’t deny that things began to go in a sour direction. There was a loss of magic in the air when we were together. I recognized all this, I just didn’t want to open up the space again.
Maybe he felt that. I don’t know what happened. We just moved on in separate directions.

Today was fine until I got into work. I just didn’t have the energy levels to deal with the energy sucking atmosphere that work was today. There were a few times that I wanted to just walk out and leave. Not tell anyone where I was going because I didn’t know myself. But leaving was what I wanted to do.

I’m going home to my parent’s house tomorrow. I think a break in the cycle of my life is what I need. Badly.

But I knew that it would be hard. I’ve been weighing negative thoughts into my life for so long that trying to up-beat and positive is something that takes much energy out of me. And it’s easy to lose sight of my goal. I just want to curl up and cry today. But I’m going to just move on with my life. Things happen for a reason. In no time I’ll be fine again, no problem.

“There’s only so much you can learn in one place. The more that I wait the more time that I waste.”

Progression in the right direction

Those who run seem to have all the fun. It’s time I stop waiting and get moving… I’ve wasted enough time waiting for guys to come around.

I have been basing my self-worth on the approval and attention of others. This is making me unhappy. I need to reach and attain my goals and keep them in sight.
A lot of unhappiness has come from me waiting for someone. I plan my life around them. I lose sight of my goals and forget about myself. That only hurts me in the end.

I’m attracted to ambition and confidence. I need to obtain both. I am going to start thinking positively.

I’m going to live unapologetically. Take me or leave me. I’m not going to waste my time wondering if I’m good enough for you. I’m a great guy with a lot to offer, I can’t wait around for you to make up your mind.

Positive thinking isn’t something that comes naturally to my when I think about myself.

A wrote:
We are put into each other's lives for a reason, even if for just a short while. People change and some grow. This is inevitable, and not always do two people grow in the same direction. This doesn't mean that it's someone's fault, but it really is just a part of life. You have to keep along your own path. You need to continue to grow and learn and better yourself. Someone will come along that is walking in the same direction. I'm not sure if anything is forever. When you are searching for the "One" or Mr. Right or Mr. Perfect, you're just setting yourself for failure. There is no such thing. People and relationships aren't perfect, they'll never be. Imagine trying to be happy with just yourself, see how hard that is? Now imagine trying to keep that up and someone else's happiness. That will exhaust a man very fast. It's true though, you really need to be complete with yourself. How can you expect someone to make you happy when you can't make yourself happy? It all starts with you, only you can save yourself

Let It Be

So why am I so worried that he will never call? I have tried and tried to let him be the one to call and now I need to just do it. I have a suspition that he's just sticking around because I am making it so convenient for him.

Last night was fun. Just chilling on Mill with some friends, and then Mr. Dr. and I started texting and it was nice hearing from him. I'll admit that some feelings for him were scratched to the surface briefly and I'm still trying to let them go. Let him go.

But the boy that I'm currently interested in, I just don't think that he is interested in me, in a relationship. It's the actions. He seems to always call his friends but never seems to get a call my way. I think I need to jump from this plateau with him and move on. I've been a fool in a waiting room, hoping that he will call out my number. But it seems that my number isn't a concern of his.

"Yes I'm ready to jump." -Madonna

Scary though. But I guess I need to just move on and let life be what it is. I know that remembering myself and keeping my life in perspective is what I need.
I don't ask for much, just some recognition. I'm letting him call me, and I may never hear from him again. Am I ready for that? No. But I will never be ready for it. It's a bridge I'll have to cross when I get there.

Two different worlds. My heart feels alone, but that's why McCullers said it's a lonely hunter. Lonely definitely. I wish I were strong. I'll get strong with time.

I guess I'm setting myself up for the worst. I can't keep worrying about things. I'm trying to play it cool, and that is what I'll do.

The MD sure was fun back in our day. Despite the 20 years difference, I was the one trying to keep up with him. He had an intensity that would infiltrate my soul and I remember I couldn't sleep next to him, his mind still moving 1000 miles a second even in still slumber. But it was fun. He was fun. It was a paradox being insanely attracted to him yet knowing that it just wouldn't ever be, and being okay with that.

On Your Mark, Get Set....

confessions on a dancefloor is great. I love it. It is definitely a driving album... I need to test it out... San Diego anyone?

It's also a great high-energy album. Dancefloors, work ear-phones, gym... it's all going to get heavy rotation.

10 mins typing unedited

Dear S,

I need to tell you what is on my mind. I’m in a very volatile state right now. At least my emotions are. I am trying to deal with my best friend essentially breaking up with me. We were joined at the hip, and well, now I haven’t spoken to him in about two months. We had plans to go to LA for Halloween that were in the works since the 4th of July and so I’m trying to cope with that. I know that I won’t make up excuses to stay at home and not go out into the world that I feel has it in for me.
But I will tell you that I don’t feel capable to try and be anything more than friends with you. You are a great guy, and I have really enjoyed the past times we have shared. But I feel I cannot try and date someone right now. I worry that you don’t like me, I’m scared that you’re going to hurt me. I don’t trust you. I am suspicious as to why you say we’ll hand out and then I don’t hear from you until I call. Right now in my heart… I don’t know what my heart feels. That was the point of this letter: to get to the basis of my heart’s feelings. Right now I enjoy the attention from you. But my heart has not let you in. Even a little bit. It’s my head that is upset. I am feeling that I’m going to be rejected yet again by someone I care for. We are too different. I think that you are seeing other people, and I am just an angry bitch right now. A confused, angry bitch.
I wish that things would work out, but I just don’t want to take that chance right now. I need to concentrate on my school work. Until I am able to perform well in my classes and do well in work, then I’ll be able to begin to seek out other of my heart’s desires. Until then, I must only offer friendship to you. We can only be just friends. A good friend you will be. I know that I do not occupy any real place in your heart and therefore I only ask friends.

PS. I’m not stupid, and not going to be so. You are just like K, and J. I am silly AGAIN. But I leave. I leave. My time will come.

Keep Dry. Try At The Least.

I’ve felt very distant lately. Like even when writing on my own blog I am a stranger, a visitor. And the real Ryan may not be happy with the content that I have written.

But only in I plunge.

I watched Mansfield Park this weekend and thoroughly enjoyed it. But I have liked most of the Jane Austen type movies.

Hmm, I just got bored of complaining about love. I guess I’m not even going to start on it then. It’s making me mad that this always happens to me.

Here are some sentences I wrote:

Since I met you I never let my heart show anymore.
Since you came into my life I remind myself nothing will last forever.
When you enter my thoughts a chill runs though my soul.
You were my lesson to learn to never give my heart out fully again.

Stepped on, left out in the cold, brushed off.
Looked over, quieted when I tried to speak.
You always seemed so gracious to take and receive.

I knew what to expect from you when you stopped calling and coming ‘round.
Despite that I realized you were just playing and I had lost the game.
I still hurt knowing I showed you my hand, trusting you with my heart.

I count myself as part of the blame; I was naïve and a bit ignorant.
I gave my heart to your words, I believed when you said I was special.
Your smile and kind eyes deceived me of the cold truth you kept secret.

Yeah, I know that was just more complaining, that which I wasn’t going to do from the beginning. Maybe I got it out of my system.

I’m learning why the caged bird sings and what it feels like being on the last-chance street car when it goes off the tracks.

prop me up with another pill

I'm nervous. I had this huge entry that got lost, somewhere. Oh well. I'm still learning to just breathe and not make things happen but let them happen. In a relationship sense.

Date tonight and I don't feel like going. But I think it will go well. I like the guy, but I know that I'm fine with or without him in my life. So far so good on that I want him in my life. We'll see though. He may turn out too flakey.

But I need to remember it's his life too. And he's doing something that he doesn't have to. I thought about it. He is starting a new job, like a total career change. He just got back from vacation. A friend of his is flying in tonight. And he's still meeting up with me. It seems his life is really kinda crazy right now, and he still is willing to see me. That says enough for me. I think I'm going to concentrate on this: rather then pick apart all that he isn't doing, I'm going to concentrate on all that he is doing.

it's your life, it's my life

So when was the last time I went on about Madonna? Love her new single. I wish her the best. I remember that when I was younger I would get stomach knots hoping that she does well on the charts and sales and such. But I have to tell myself that she's a big girl and obviously is doing well on her own, and my worries don't help much. Who else has been around for so long? I wish she and Mariah Carey would kiss and make up. Their feud upsets me. I don't care for carey's music, but I respect her as a musician.

1-888-226-6337

Here is the confession I left for Madonna:

"From time to time when I see a particular coworker, I get the urge to strip him naked and kiss and caress his freshly exposed skin. I want to explore his body with my lips and make passionate love to him. I want to look into his eyes and lose myself and help bring his dreams to fruition being in the front row of his life. I want to love him. Then I catch myself and realize how ridiculous that all sounds, and I go back to work."

and if I fall I get up again now

I guess sometimes you just have to watch the days go by, watch the hours pass, count the minutes and seconds. Sometimes you have to reflect how silly it was, the way you acted. Sometimes you have to be grateful for the time that was shared, reflecting on the good and the fun. Sometimes you have to content yourself it wasn't meant to go any further.

The time we shared. The small kisses we gave. The engaging conversations. The movies we cuddled during.

I'm not too proud to say that it was good. I'll look back on those times as one might look back on an outstanding summer vacation. A beginning full of possibilities but always aware that an end was inevitable. But I don't cry, I smile.

Somewhat Indignant

I wonder if you go the dungeon to make peace with your days of hurt.
Writing you a letter gave no more peace than what I felt when we weren’t speaking.
I used to think you were kissed by God full on the lips.

I just have no ambition to try and resurrect what we had.
You said so many things that were easily refuted.
But the conversation began to lack anyway, I’m kinda happy you’ve shut your stuff off.

You know how much you hated to be interrupted, you were so egocentric.
It always had to be about you. I like the fact that you’re nothing like me.
You gloated of your charmed life, and never seemed to understand the rest of us.

I was tired of your jeckyl and hydeness, why did I put up with it?
You need a figurative slap on the wrist.
Nothing here allotted will make an ounce of difference.

I was in the front row, I saw you close up.
I was your friend, that’s why I loved you regardless.
And that’s all I asked for in return. Why?

Sex is Not the Enemy

I miss the raunchy Madonna sometimes. Whatever happened to the Blond Ambition Bitch? There is lots of stress in my life right now. This pic has always been one of my favorites, I think the guy's ass is hot and his legs, and of course, I love Madonna! This was a secret picture I tood with my phone when I was in the Special Collections at ASU Library. I felt so dirty. I feel so dirty putting this on my page. But today I'm not too worried about if I offend someone. It's just a reminder that it's my blog.

"Edwin?"

I am thinking this will be me come Halloween.

be sure to eat ya din-din

I finally saw Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? and really enjoyed it. But mostly fell in love with Bette Davis. Growing up my mother forbade us to watch really anything with her in it, because she hated Bette Davis saying she was an evil woman. After doing some research (and watching some of Mommy Dearest) I think Joan Crawford was much worse. I really liked Ms. Davis's humor. She could laugh at herself, and gosh I think she was a beautiful woman.



I don't want anyone to think my mother was, well, "dearest" hehe, but it was tough as a child. But now as an adult I fully understand and recognize that I have the ability to realize she was doing it the best she knew how and I have chosen to let the hurt go and get to know my mother as an adult, and we have a much better relationship. It still is hard at times, but well worth it. She's my mom afterall.

justify me the next best thing

I used to have a day dream, or even a fantasy. It was set to ATB’s “I wanna cry” Every time I would hear that song, I would imagine me and my partner speeding along in the mountains just out side of San Diego at night, going home after visiting the family in AZ. It was quiet in the cab, I’m in the passenger’s seat with my hand on his leg and he has both hands on the steering wheel, speeding around the corners that the head lights illuminate. There is a tension in the cab as he drives, we both are anxious to get home and we are on the final stretch before entering the metropolitan area. There is a trust that he will get us there safe and sound, and a quiet understood love between us. It’s a nice picture. It represents the life I have with him. We love and trust each other. We are happy and content. While things are not perfect (I wish he wouldn’t go so fast) in our relationship, we work them out. I am there for him as he is for me.’

But lately I have found that this same scenario when played in my head to the song generally consists of me alone in the car with sleeping dogs (do dogs sleep in cars?) on the seat next to me. I’m still anxious to get home to SD but home alone I go. There is no one else. I worry just a little bit. I cannot trust people. I feel that they are going to hurt me, well, deliberately hurt me in the end. So I find it’s better to be alone and not go from relationship to relationship. I just can’t do that.

Am I it, or could you get more? It seems that guys are always looking for a better thing. I wonder if the time they spent and invested with someone will ever mean anything. Sure I may not be the most beautiful or the smartest or wealthiest, but I’m willing to give love a shot with you. I’m willing to put myself out there, and hope you are too. Does that count for anything? Sometimes I feel it doesn’t and never will.

hablo en silencio

Break you down, only someone left.
Save your lies.
Save your pretence.
Save your life you created.
For another.
I want to see the black spots on your soul.
I want to see the infant reaching for the hot stove.
I want to see you.

Play you down, not much left.
I don’t care that you have met.
I don’t care that you recognize.
I don’t care that you recall, that you saw.
It’s all just human.
I care that you are.
I care for your light.
I care for your soul.

Bring you down, I wrap you up.
Let me close you.
Let me know you.
Let me hear your blood flow.
Know I want,
Know I care,
Know I am,
You are beautiful, you are beauty.

behind a closed door

My head’s in a cloud today. The sky is my hat and the stars are in my eyes. I’m seeing things in a real sense, I feel so comfortable with where I am right now. But I remain aware that this is a high and the low will come again. But I try and learn from the lows as I do the highs.

Another day. Just breathing. Another day. Just breathing.

I’m learning to focus and concentrate on the journey and not the destination.
Understanding that pretty little definitions do not exist as commonly as I’d like in life.
Really trying to concentrate on the journey and not the destination. Remaining open to possibilities and just trying to learn about people and situations through the everyday occurrences.

some say love

I find that I’m everywhere and nowhere these days. My heart is afraid of breaking. My heart has been handed out too early, too quickly, too much. I simply cannot be taken right now. A perfect man has come into my life and I simply don’t feel anything for him. I think it’s a good thing. Friends are all we could be anyway. I just recognize that I’m not all over him like I would be had he entered my life a month ago.

I find I’m becoming happy at the though of a descent into anonymity. Disappearing from the scene… keeping in touch but attending house functions over bar attendance. Also giving much time to my studies and accomplishing my goals. That is something I know I need to do.

There’s something different in the air too. I can’t place my finger on it, but there is something brewing. Maybe my nerves from the midterm tomorrow.