SD R+32

And then it came to be that I thought I should just focus on myself and not worry about what all was going on around me.  I made a promise to myself that for the next three days I would just be a calm sea.  I want to just roll and flow with the waves and currents.  I don't want to take a stand or be assertive.  Tomorrow is my Water Day 1/3.

At the rotation things are going better than I had imagined.  My preceptor is cool, chill and flew to see Madonna in Warsaw, Poland.  He is top of my list.

So these days have been going by much too quickly.  There is soo much to do each day with the rotation, trying to get in shape, enjoying San Diego and trying to build a better, stornger, deeper friendship with Christian.  Above is Fargo who managed to dress herself yesterday in some old things she had lying around. I don't know how she got herself into the handle space of the bag, but she did.  It was hilarious.  And you can see that she was very proud of it.

I want to take more pictures, I feel like I have to capture so much emotion, excitement, apprehension, so much life in just a few words and pictures.  This is definitely a high point of my life.  I feel like I'm getting a handle on things.

SD R+33

Since returning to Phx is inevitable, I have decided that I will use "Return (day) + number of days still in SD" as a means of keeping track of the days.  Not that am looking forward to returning, but that as I said, it is inevitable.  So why not.

Yesterday my friend Merylita was out to visit with her manpanion who I met for the very first time.  Super nice, but that was no surprise since she is picky and also not blind to BS other guys have tried to throw her way.

My daily commute to the rotation

And Meryl and I got photo-bombed by some LA plastics, but they look ok.  But yeah, I need to get into some sort of a shape.  So I joined a gym for just a month here in SD.  The guy who joined me in was Blake, and Christian said that his calves looked like his knees swallowed grapefruits... haha!  But Meryl and I did biuy matching straw hats at the Cityfest street fair.  We had a good time despite the humidity! 

 Me and a dear bestie who lives here now, Liz Honey is wonderful.  And me and my mustache for just one day.

Meryl and her awesome man, Isaiah, enjoying the Cityfest street fair with me.  Such a fun weekend!

San Diego Day 1

First day here.  with Phx in the rear-view mirror:

And then tragedy: the hanger rod snapped.  But I did replace it with a very sturdy rod purchased at Target in Yuma.  But I found I did like to have the rear-view that the fallen clothes gave me.

Sad Sinking Shirts

The drive was long and there was an accident just on the other side of El Centro.  But I should say that I ventured up Imperial Ave in El Centro looking for the Costco and it was quite the drive.  The town has a small town feel to it, but the activity is very down one street.  Felt like El Centro is shaped like a large butterfly.  And then just 10 miles beyond the butterfly, there was an accident.  Seemed to be a rough one since about 6 helicopters, firetrucks, towtrucks, and 2,234 policemen were there.  I hope everyone survived.


I was waiting and driving with the sun screen up to keep the angry sun off me.  And we waited. And waited. And waited.  And then finally we were able to move some!!!


 So I tried to get some shots of the hot fire fighters but I was also so happy to be moving that I really didn't care much! So there is the end of the fire truck and then you can kind of see the squished care on the left, at the left.  there was a heafty down slope on the other side that I think a few cars may have taken a dive down... not sure.

Finally after being on the road for 7.5 hours I arrived in SD, unloaded and turned into a vegetable.  Now bed on this first uneventful day.  But it was a travel day.

Week: Leave for SD

I leave for SD on Friday and I'm curled up into a small ball of anxiety for no other reason than for what I could leave behind.  It's a situation where I get so caught up into what I'm not bringing and that "what if I will need it" voice rings in true and hard.  So fighting that has been a bit of the up-hill battle today.  But I got a spirit lifter from my buddy there:

He understands my core needs and emotions... haha.

So the heat here is going to kill me, which is why I'm going to bed early and going to try and be as productive as possible during the not so hot part of the day.  Tomorrow is the last day of work for 6 weeks!!

I went to the gym today and weighted in at 288.  But this week I got a call from my Dr's office and my lipids are all still out of whack.  So I'm stopping me eating as much fat as I used to allow myself.  Last night was the first night I didn't have a spoonful (or four) of peanut butter before bed.  I want to eat, but I need to overcome my mental addiction to a full belly and just let full be enough.



Nothing like some rowing to get the juices flowing to get in shape. If I do say so myself.

Monday Check In

It's still crazy hot these days.  I'm slowing dying - and melodramatic, yes.  This morning I got myself to the gym and did a full run, meaning I did 25-30mins of weights and then did ~1hour of some sort of cardio or related movement, not being full-blown cardio.  It felt good and I went to a swanky new gym that had little tvs on all the treadmills and ellipticals, it was a real treat.  Also it was fun to see some new eye candy.

But on to other news, I weighted in at 289.  Still heavy, fat, obese, yuck, but at least it was 2 lbs less than last time.

Confession:  I am addicted to food.  I ate good all day and because I cut my carb intake by quite a bit today I was STARVING by 5pm.  So early (for me) dinner and now I am battling the snackys.  So I am blogging about it.  I do enjoy food but I get to a point that if I say no to myself, then I get all anxious that I'll never be able to enjoy food again.  And I'm addicted to that full and totally satisfied feeling.  It's a comfort thing that I crave to lull me to sleep at night.

Drugs:  I have taken myself off completely of my Prozac.  Very excited to no longer be on it.  It's been, oh about seven years now and it was just time.  I still get some headaches but I attribute that to my decrease of caffeine intake.  I really am trying to get things under control.  Visiting my family, I was amazed at how much discipline my father uses in his diet now.  He is borderline diabetic and he is on meds for it but wants to be off them.  So he's trying really hard to watch his diet and it's amazing to see him, he's a totally different man when it comes to eating habits than he was just a few months ago.  I too am on track to go the diabetic route if I don't stop eating when I'm full right now.

Every once in a while I come across a picture of a guy who I feel I have it in me to look like or he just gives me that extra mental push to do better.  And I'm also enjoying Picasa a lot so I like to tweek photos.

This picture for me oozes confidence.  Someday I want to lay out by the pool and feel as confident as he seems - course I may not be in the itsy-bitsy green plaid bikini bottom... haha... but he def wears it well!

Exploding thoughts, 2nd go

I can't shake that people I may know and write about will be reading this.  I so do need to censor some - my paper journal is to reveal names and such, this is not the forum for such words.
But there are people in my life who have been bugging me.  I have thought long and hard about how to deal with them, what direction to take: do I approach them and speak directly?  Do I ignore them?  My final answer is to serve them.  I want to show them by my actions that they are important to me and therefore I will do what I can to keep them in my life.

Still enjoying my time here in SJ.  We took my nephew for a walk at the park but just got started when his dad arrived from a four day hike.  The kid was happy to see his dad!  ;)

Then we went to a Mexican food shoppe for some food and though it wasn't the best Mexican I've had, I'm not really a picky eater so I'm not going to say anything.  But I will say the company was great!  My mom enjoying dinner.  I love family.

learning to move fast

She said that your body wants to heal itself.  That made me think that it could be my mind that is working against my body in a sense.  Are we on the same team?  I also remember hearing someone say that you need to take care of and respect your body by how you treat it and what you put in it.  It is the vessel that carries us through this life.
Interesting article on what women (and men) like about the male physique.

This is a friend of mine and he has worked hard for his physique, also in med school so he knows how to prioritize.. he's in insipration to get it done.

Enjoying some time with the family and especially the weather!!

Whist

He lied in the sun, soaking up the rays but only enjoying them for a brief moment before the heat was too much.  The party circled around him and he slipped into the pool to cool down and to visit with some friends.  I know he wasn't watching me, I can't read his thoughts, but I was pretending I did.  I wanted to get to know him, or get to know him better.  But it's like that guy I'll never talk to.  The combination hasn't lined up for me to try and give him a shot.  I'm frightened of his rejection or him asking to just be friends, or even his disinterest in pursuing a friendship.  I want to deserve him.  I want to shine in his eye like a jewel.
Wa wa wa... enough longing and yearning for one night.

Today went running around a pond, or whatever can be considered a pond in this part of AZ. But it it felt good to go for a run. It was start and stop a lot, but I did it; I got out and about!! That was a good thing for me. It was also out by my grandpa's farm... or what we called a farm.
The best part of the day way taking my nephew out for a walk around the park.
He pushed his stroller around most of the way. He is definitely a tank!

Ancient Thursday

When he thought I thought today.  But that's been thrown around for years with no weight anymore.  You're right, but let's not lose hope, comrade.

Frankly if my name was

Eww... broccoli just went in to be steamed and it really makes the place smell, but oh well.  I went to the gym, first time in ages - 7 weeks I think.  I weight myself and 291 is a large number.  Scary large.  I knew I gained weight, per the mirror, but morbidly obese is not what I want for myself.

I also had dinner with a friend last night, TH.  The impression I left with from him was that life is what you make of it.  He said that if you find happiness in eating a bag of cookies every night, then do it.  I think I may have read into what he was saying also as to say, "so stop complaining and do something about it, I just don't want to waste our time together with you complaining about a situation you've never done much to try and change." Yeah, that's what I heard you say because that's what I needed to hear.

Random the Thoughts

It's easy to fall into thinking of these drug consuming entities and forget that they are people.

the end of the end of the end

It's not that I'm not interested.  It's not that I don't think about the what ifs.  It's not that I don't want it to go somewhere.  It's that I know the timing is wrong.  A long time ago JR kept saying that I wanted to play the field; was't ready to find a one.  I never told him I was too insecure to try and pursue something serious with him.  He was too beautiful in my eyes.  I felt that once he got to know me and spend time with me, he would lose interest.  I still think like that.  That moment in my life is now in the open.
Not like that feel that with IJ, my confidence is boosted muchly than the past.  I see him as not ready for a one. I see him still feeling like an attraction, not ready, but wanting to be around people to be free around people.  That is what my gut instinct tells me.
I'm running and sabotaging it anyway.  I'll always do that.  I am still me.  But I think there's a reason beyond my fucked up problems.  Maybe.

Love Spent

I don't understand.  Foot in the door waiting for the better to spring up.  I can only hope you find it.  Actually, who actually hopes for that?  I don't.  I guess it just stings right now.  You jumped on the next best visual forgetting all the visceral we shared.  When you gonna come into reality?  End angry rant.

convo

My sister.  She told me that I had a core of awesomeness that I haven't even touched.  I have everything going for me, I just need to stop being a coward and tap into it and be great.  I see her that way.  Only I see that she is tapping into it.  I love her.  We are so similar.  I love our honest, loving connection.

I'm currently obsessed with this song:

Where life is perfect.

Go to Marz

Not so good.  Poor tests.  Poor bread count.  Scraping bottom and I don't want to know what's underneath.  Not so good.  Today.
New. Venlafaxine.  So far really good.  Good placebo.  Placebo effect.  Effective.  New spark.  New.

So carry on.

As for everything else.  I forgot what I wanted to say.  House clean, except for the papers.  The papers that have been there since six years ago.  Or something.
"But you didn't have to cut me off."  Stuck in my head.  Great song.  I don't want to get used to this certain kind of sadness.  Not the end, not always the end.
"Hold me like your money."

What if I had fallen in?

What do you get when you ask Angry Angela to tell her sister Hysterical Hillary to inform Fatty Felicia that she cannot have Jack in the Box tonight?  They are triplets, just turned 15 years old, it's that time of month.  Yeah, welcome to my head.
I slept in until way too late and then did homework like a marathon runner with brief water and pee breaks.
Jump to me at the gym and trying.
Take out the recycling.
I was in a daze all day today and still feel like it.  While I was at the gym, I thought about just accepting that the daze was the new life.  I hope not.  I don't like it.
I do like the silk robe.  But it's about too hot these days.  Grr.  I'm over the Phoenix summer.

Easter passed over

He woke up, 7:30 bright and early.  It was a new thing for him, to wake up so early; early since just a few weeks earlier crawling out of bed before 9 was a feat of greatest proportions.  Immediately thoughts of the movie the previous night played in his mind's eye: Catniss' expression when Peeta didn't want to pretend, his look into her eyes on the train home after The Games.
Shower.
Clean up some clutter.  Still not the desk.  Never the desk.  Last place on earth to get organized.  Cleaning merely meant putting the piles of paper elsewhere in the room, on a seat, floor, anywhere but on the glass desk top.
Oatmeal, coffee.  Not in that order.
Watch a movie of Argentine origin.  Let's call it Plan B.  The movie was great, good-ish.  Okay, he liked it.  He liked how there was a lot of "thinking time" in the movie.  Lots to think about.  People don't just rush in.  Some do, but they are fools.  These characters thought a lot about where they were going.  Or so it seemed.  Maybe it was just a weekend.  Weekend.  That show was amazing.  He was still in a daze over it.  Well done.  They tried, kind of, but tried still.  Kind of.  But they did entertain the thought of trying.  They grew.  One grew.  They both may have grown.  He grew: it allowed a few precious tear drops to fall from his dry eyes.  He wishes he could cry more.  He feels like he has sobs that are yearning to come out.  But they cannot.  He doesn't suppress them, they just don't come.  Sobs feel good.  Releasing the emotion feels good.  He likes to cry but cannot so instead listens to lots of sad songs.  These sad movies are a new venture.  He's watched more movies in the past four days than he has in the previous four months.
A phone call with a dear friend who was celebrating graduating pharmacy school and her new tattoos in honor of her achievement.  She's got issues but he was only all too happy to talk to her, and express his issues too.  But hers are more interesting for him.  They involve scandal in a benign sense of the word.  Not much more than any other stressed mother about to graduate a doctorate program.  Good for her.
Not much else.  Kramer vs. Kramer. A movie he's been meaning to get through.  Good show.  Safeway and run into an attractive older man, attractive friend.  Attractive and partnered friend.  Run into him at Safeway in front of the chocolate.  Attractive Friend looked good, he always does.  He keeps up appearances well.  Damn you chocolate aisle.

This short has been everywhere and it hit me again today (Madonna's facebook page posted it):

This morning I left my head in bed and had a Dr's appt, went to the gym and did a few errands.  My head still feels like I haven't quite woken up.  So with that light I looked at my PoF account.  And since I'm not thinking clearly I looked at SG's profile.  He is the one that I allowed myself to like too much too quickly.  And two weeks (yeah, two weeks) I was into him and he told me that he only felt friendship, that he couldn't offer more than that and wasn't attracted to me sexually.  For some reason I got the crazy notion in my head that if I got my butt to the gym then over a few months he'd see that he does indeed need me, and is attracted to me, blah blah blah.
So he's been on that dating site within the past week and I knew it was going to sit and ache in my stomach when I saw that.  He's just moving on with his life.  Good for him.  I'm stuck right now, but going to the gym is going to be good for me.  I am still trying to focus on myself, stop this silly relationship lusting and busting and just be myself for a few months.
And then I see the movie like the one above and my heart feels a bit heavy again, longing for a guy to like me back.  WaWaWa...
So, strong face forward and take that step:

Can you tell I've just found out that I can add youtube videos?  sweet.

Classes start today so here goes the final didactic semester.  Yay!

I'm nearing the end of my first 3-week get-in-better-health program thingy.  So far, not so bueno.  But still bueno because I at least have made it to the gym 3-4 times a week for the past three weeks, in spite of those damned holidays!  I also attempted for a cool beard, with the inspiration being:

Mine never even got close to that.  Probably because I was hoping the beard would give me that full head of hair and the toned, defined shoulders/pecs.  Also while we're walking down pipe-dream lane, the beard would take a few years off me.  But as most people told me, I looked older.  I guess beards do that normally.  Looking at his eyes, the area around the eyes, he probably is in early to mid 20s?  I wonder if he's single and will love me... hahahaha.

But the next three weeks my goal is to lift at least 4 times a week, only 20 mins of lifting and to do some sort of cardio/fat burn for at least 30 mins five times a week, which equals 150mins of c/fb.  Or I guess as long as I get the 150 mins in, i.e. 20 mins one day and 40 another.  Also, I know I am soooo bad at eating healthy.  I love, love, love, love to eat late at night.  Trying to break that carnal pleasure is going to have to probably require an alteration in my DNA.  But necessary.