SD -11 --the prozac edition--

Here I go.  So may questions, so many impulses, rants, raves.  I can't put my train of thoughts back in an order, on a track or even bundle them up and stick them in an ice cream truck.

Today I made an impulse decision to get back on chemicals.  It was an honest trial phase and I'm tired of feeling that lump of black sadness grow in my throat.  I can't avoid things I've been avoiding and I certainly am not finding comfort in food.  I'm just gaining weight.  I'll admit I'm at a messy crossroads.  Today was when I felt that all too familiar feeling of all that depression brings.  I know it well, like that all too familiar feeling of getting a paper cut.  Distinct: nothing else like it in the world.  And then if it's a bleeder you get the blood everywhere.  Wondering where it all went.  I'm in SD and I should be happy but all I do is sleep and dream away my time.  I avoid projects and advancement.  I avoid evolution and just find my worries at the bottom of a bowl of peanut m&ms.  I've been looking for comfort from other chemicals.  Let's get real, I'm trained in chemicals and I'm going about this all wrong.  So to an extent I feel like I've lost.  I feel like I'm the loser.  But there is a freedom in finding a small bandage to help.  Rant, rave, tears, lumps in throat, I just don't have it in me right now.

Moving on is the key.  I don't want to sit down.  I have to keep moving on.

SD -16

I feel that I gather things from what I observe to make up myself.  I'm a potpourri of my experiences, perceptions, and people in my life.

SD -17

Are we our own keepers?

SD -18

No, haven't been very good with this updating thing.  Oh well.  This is the essence of my past few days.  Cat walking around.  Me at the table.  Trying to pretend to at least study.  But I go to gym often, well, daily.  Cute older guy there plus a TON of eye candy.  I don't know if at all I have lost any weight, but I hope this is a platform from which to jump back to Phoenix.  I feel I have developed better habits with exercise and eating.  I don't want to return.

I downloaded Alanis's new album and so far it's a score with me.  I love the song "Guardian."  Love it.  It evokes my inner, old poet that used to live on this page.  That was a young Ryan light years ago.

SD-24d

Therapy needed. Venting ahead.  What's on my mind to look this gift horse in it's mouth.  Things are perfect, but my mind distorts them.
Big breath.
Now, I understand that we all don't have to love and like and cherish and admire the same people, the same things.  He gets it, I am still learning.
Headache at this time of night?
I breathe.  True Blood is addicting.  I am liking the social commentary.  At least what I think it may be.
Still trying to lose weight.  I was so hungry today.  I don't even know if I followed a diet or not.
Today I felt the twing of wanting to return to my stuff, to return to my space.  I love SD and love the weather and love the rotation and love rooming with CT.  It's like there is so much amazing going on that I'm swallowed up in my own personal quest for something negative.  Let it go my dear.  Let it go my love.  I learn to let go.
Remembering when I was young and all I want to do is be something that I cannot be, I will never allow myself to be that person.  I have spent so much time and energy trying to become and arrive.  But they say the journey.  The journey it is.  I may only ever have the jorney under my belt.  I may never arrive at that ultimate space in my head.
Enjoy the journey, it's all that I"m going to have.
Enjoy the journey.  Don't fret about the weight not coming off in 1.7 weeks.  Just enjoy the journey of developing a healthier lifestyle.  Enjoy the journey of sneaking in a tub of ice cream.  I am always going to be on a quest for that illusive arrival, but enjoy the journey.
Venting came out rather nicely.
Focus on the positive, the beautiful here. Don't get caught up on the arrival, spend your energy on the journey.  Love the journey.

SD +30

Today - where do I start?  slept in and then rushed to get to the pharmacy on time.  The first half of the day just seemed to float by in a dream.  Then Brandon gave me a very informative presentation on the overview of HIV.  It was fun to talk to him some.  I still am not sure what he things of me, nothing bad I am pretty syre of... it's more just the tweeking of our personalities and if they will complement or what with the other.  Ya know?
This is my scene walking into the pharmacy building every day.  Such a pleasant scene.  I do enjoy it quite a bit!

And then I HAD to get some soda:

In the end I just worked on NNRTIs and got some exposure to them.

When I got home, I lied down on the couch and then the thought hit me that I need to start to include more spiritual time in my life.  More quiet times when I can meditate on something, or nothing.  I do feel that is a balance.

So my question these days is that I'm debating if removing myself from some or even most aspects of social life, will I have a quieter life and allow the balance of spirituality to equate?  Or is it like removing old shirts from the closet so that there will be a balance of room in the refridgerator?  Are they related?  I think that energywise they certainly do.

How will I address this tomorrow?  Especially with friends coming into town... Hmm...

I want to focus on my self while here in SD, but friends offer the perfect opportunity to lose sight.  More later...

SD R+32

And then it came to be that I thought I should just focus on myself and not worry about what all was going on around me.  I made a promise to myself that for the next three days I would just be a calm sea.  I want to just roll and flow with the waves and currents.  I don't want to take a stand or be assertive.  Tomorrow is my Water Day 1/3.

At the rotation things are going better than I had imagined.  My preceptor is cool, chill and flew to see Madonna in Warsaw, Poland.  He is top of my list.

So these days have been going by much too quickly.  There is soo much to do each day with the rotation, trying to get in shape, enjoying San Diego and trying to build a better, stornger, deeper friendship with Christian.  Above is Fargo who managed to dress herself yesterday in some old things she had lying around. I don't know how she got herself into the handle space of the bag, but she did.  It was hilarious.  And you can see that she was very proud of it.

I want to take more pictures, I feel like I have to capture so much emotion, excitement, apprehension, so much life in just a few words and pictures.  This is definitely a high point of my life.  I feel like I'm getting a handle on things.

SD R+33

Since returning to Phx is inevitable, I have decided that I will use "Return (day) + number of days still in SD" as a means of keeping track of the days.  Not that am looking forward to returning, but that as I said, it is inevitable.  So why not.

Yesterday my friend Merylita was out to visit with her manpanion who I met for the very first time.  Super nice, but that was no surprise since she is picky and also not blind to BS other guys have tried to throw her way.

My daily commute to the rotation

And Meryl and I got photo-bombed by some LA plastics, but they look ok.  But yeah, I need to get into some sort of a shape.  So I joined a gym for just a month here in SD.  The guy who joined me in was Blake, and Christian said that his calves looked like his knees swallowed grapefruits... haha!  But Meryl and I did biuy matching straw hats at the Cityfest street fair.  We had a good time despite the humidity! 

 Me and a dear bestie who lives here now, Liz Honey is wonderful.  And me and my mustache for just one day.

Meryl and her awesome man, Isaiah, enjoying the Cityfest street fair with me.  Such a fun weekend!

San Diego Day 1

First day here.  with Phx in the rear-view mirror:

And then tragedy: the hanger rod snapped.  But I did replace it with a very sturdy rod purchased at Target in Yuma.  But I found I did like to have the rear-view that the fallen clothes gave me.

Sad Sinking Shirts

The drive was long and there was an accident just on the other side of El Centro.  But I should say that I ventured up Imperial Ave in El Centro looking for the Costco and it was quite the drive.  The town has a small town feel to it, but the activity is very down one street.  Felt like El Centro is shaped like a large butterfly.  And then just 10 miles beyond the butterfly, there was an accident.  Seemed to be a rough one since about 6 helicopters, firetrucks, towtrucks, and 2,234 policemen were there.  I hope everyone survived.


I was waiting and driving with the sun screen up to keep the angry sun off me.  And we waited. And waited. And waited.  And then finally we were able to move some!!!


 So I tried to get some shots of the hot fire fighters but I was also so happy to be moving that I really didn't care much! So there is the end of the fire truck and then you can kind of see the squished care on the left, at the left.  there was a heafty down slope on the other side that I think a few cars may have taken a dive down... not sure.

Finally after being on the road for 7.5 hours I arrived in SD, unloaded and turned into a vegetable.  Now bed on this first uneventful day.  But it was a travel day.

Week: Leave for SD

I leave for SD on Friday and I'm curled up into a small ball of anxiety for no other reason than for what I could leave behind.  It's a situation where I get so caught up into what I'm not bringing and that "what if I will need it" voice rings in true and hard.  So fighting that has been a bit of the up-hill battle today.  But I got a spirit lifter from my buddy there:

He understands my core needs and emotions... haha.

So the heat here is going to kill me, which is why I'm going to bed early and going to try and be as productive as possible during the not so hot part of the day.  Tomorrow is the last day of work for 6 weeks!!

I went to the gym today and weighted in at 288.  But this week I got a call from my Dr's office and my lipids are all still out of whack.  So I'm stopping me eating as much fat as I used to allow myself.  Last night was the first night I didn't have a spoonful (or four) of peanut butter before bed.  I want to eat, but I need to overcome my mental addiction to a full belly and just let full be enough.



Nothing like some rowing to get the juices flowing to get in shape. If I do say so myself.

Monday Check In

It's still crazy hot these days.  I'm slowing dying - and melodramatic, yes.  This morning I got myself to the gym and did a full run, meaning I did 25-30mins of weights and then did ~1hour of some sort of cardio or related movement, not being full-blown cardio.  It felt good and I went to a swanky new gym that had little tvs on all the treadmills and ellipticals, it was a real treat.  Also it was fun to see some new eye candy.

But on to other news, I weighted in at 289.  Still heavy, fat, obese, yuck, but at least it was 2 lbs less than last time.

Confession:  I am addicted to food.  I ate good all day and because I cut my carb intake by quite a bit today I was STARVING by 5pm.  So early (for me) dinner and now I am battling the snackys.  So I am blogging about it.  I do enjoy food but I get to a point that if I say no to myself, then I get all anxious that I'll never be able to enjoy food again.  And I'm addicted to that full and totally satisfied feeling.  It's a comfort thing that I crave to lull me to sleep at night.

Drugs:  I have taken myself off completely of my Prozac.  Very excited to no longer be on it.  It's been, oh about seven years now and it was just time.  I still get some headaches but I attribute that to my decrease of caffeine intake.  I really am trying to get things under control.  Visiting my family, I was amazed at how much discipline my father uses in his diet now.  He is borderline diabetic and he is on meds for it but wants to be off them.  So he's trying really hard to watch his diet and it's amazing to see him, he's a totally different man when it comes to eating habits than he was just a few months ago.  I too am on track to go the diabetic route if I don't stop eating when I'm full right now.

Every once in a while I come across a picture of a guy who I feel I have it in me to look like or he just gives me that extra mental push to do better.  And I'm also enjoying Picasa a lot so I like to tweek photos.

This picture for me oozes confidence.  Someday I want to lay out by the pool and feel as confident as he seems - course I may not be in the itsy-bitsy green plaid bikini bottom... haha... but he def wears it well!

Exploding thoughts, 2nd go

I can't shake that people I may know and write about will be reading this.  I so do need to censor some - my paper journal is to reveal names and such, this is not the forum for such words.
But there are people in my life who have been bugging me.  I have thought long and hard about how to deal with them, what direction to take: do I approach them and speak directly?  Do I ignore them?  My final answer is to serve them.  I want to show them by my actions that they are important to me and therefore I will do what I can to keep them in my life.

Still enjoying my time here in SJ.  We took my nephew for a walk at the park but just got started when his dad arrived from a four day hike.  The kid was happy to see his dad!  ;)

Then we went to a Mexican food shoppe for some food and though it wasn't the best Mexican I've had, I'm not really a picky eater so I'm not going to say anything.  But I will say the company was great!  My mom enjoying dinner.  I love family.

learning to move fast

She said that your body wants to heal itself.  That made me think that it could be my mind that is working against my body in a sense.  Are we on the same team?  I also remember hearing someone say that you need to take care of and respect your body by how you treat it and what you put in it.  It is the vessel that carries us through this life.
Interesting article on what women (and men) like about the male physique.

This is a friend of mine and he has worked hard for his physique, also in med school so he knows how to prioritize.. he's in insipration to get it done.

Enjoying some time with the family and especially the weather!!

Whist

He lied in the sun, soaking up the rays but only enjoying them for a brief moment before the heat was too much.  The party circled around him and he slipped into the pool to cool down and to visit with some friends.  I know he wasn't watching me, I can't read his thoughts, but I was pretending I did.  I wanted to get to know him, or get to know him better.  But it's like that guy I'll never talk to.  The combination hasn't lined up for me to try and give him a shot.  I'm frightened of his rejection or him asking to just be friends, or even his disinterest in pursuing a friendship.  I want to deserve him.  I want to shine in his eye like a jewel.
Wa wa wa... enough longing and yearning for one night.

Today went running around a pond, or whatever can be considered a pond in this part of AZ. But it it felt good to go for a run. It was start and stop a lot, but I did it; I got out and about!! That was a good thing for me. It was also out by my grandpa's farm... or what we called a farm.
The best part of the day way taking my nephew out for a walk around the park.
He pushed his stroller around most of the way. He is definitely a tank!

Ancient Thursday

When he thought I thought today.  But that's been thrown around for years with no weight anymore.  You're right, but let's not lose hope, comrade.

Frankly if my name was

Eww... broccoli just went in to be steamed and it really makes the place smell, but oh well.  I went to the gym, first time in ages - 7 weeks I think.  I weight myself and 291 is a large number.  Scary large.  I knew I gained weight, per the mirror, but morbidly obese is not what I want for myself.

I also had dinner with a friend last night, TH.  The impression I left with from him was that life is what you make of it.  He said that if you find happiness in eating a bag of cookies every night, then do it.  I think I may have read into what he was saying also as to say, "so stop complaining and do something about it, I just don't want to waste our time together with you complaining about a situation you've never done much to try and change." Yeah, that's what I heard you say because that's what I needed to hear.

Random the Thoughts

It's easy to fall into thinking of these drug consuming entities and forget that they are people.

the end of the end of the end

It's not that I'm not interested.  It's not that I don't think about the what ifs.  It's not that I don't want it to go somewhere.  It's that I know the timing is wrong.  A long time ago JR kept saying that I wanted to play the field; was't ready to find a one.  I never told him I was too insecure to try and pursue something serious with him.  He was too beautiful in my eyes.  I felt that once he got to know me and spend time with me, he would lose interest.  I still think like that.  That moment in my life is now in the open.
Not like that feel that with IJ, my confidence is boosted muchly than the past.  I see him as not ready for a one. I see him still feeling like an attraction, not ready, but wanting to be around people to be free around people.  That is what my gut instinct tells me.
I'm running and sabotaging it anyway.  I'll always do that.  I am still me.  But I think there's a reason beyond my fucked up problems.  Maybe.

Love Spent

I don't understand.  Foot in the door waiting for the better to spring up.  I can only hope you find it.  Actually, who actually hopes for that?  I don't.  I guess it just stings right now.  You jumped on the next best visual forgetting all the visceral we shared.  When you gonna come into reality?  End angry rant.