I'll Remember

Those songs that time-travel you to a distinct time and place in your past.

And so now

This is the part where it's going to take some time to feel again. Well, feel normal again. I was happy for the freedom, but now that it's a Friday night and the ex is out with his ?new flame? and I'm at home because I have to work in the morning and I feel like the world has turned and forgot to take me with it. So I handle this with some Cranberries in the headphones and realize that I chose this. I knew it was going to be over. I knew that I'd have to start over brand new. I knew there would be limited people here. But work is so good. My people there are great. I will make friends, this is just the point where I need to really focus on me. Get me back to where I derailed back in my early 20s.  Not that I'm unhappy, I just feel like I parted from where and what I knew I should do and the such. I don't regret but it's put me "behind" some.

finest hours?

I saw the film The Finest Hours and it was good. It made me think that when the guys were on the ship if at one point they'd say, "I'm old enough, the young ones first." Well I never heard that because it was happy and everyone was going to live, but it made me think. And my thoughts were, what would I do, and the most powerful thought, I'm at that age where I may need to step back and let the younger guys do their thing. Not like right now, but if I were on a boat and only so many people could live, then I may be one of the older guys. Makes my head swim with thoughts.

It's been 8

Almost 8 months here in Anchorage and I feel like I'm still just 2 weeks in. Wow. So with more time to process it, yes, processing that FA finally broke up with me. I was going to do it in March, or April, or some time convenient for myself, but he beat me to the punch and I'm happy he did. The feelings of disdain, all the wrong he was doing - it all flew out the window. I was shocked in that he did it so soon. He usually let things die out on their own, his words. And he finally ended something that wasn't healthy. Good. So. Now what do I do with myself?

We shall see, that is the question of this new year, new life. 2 years with Fa, and I forget how to be single

And so it goes...

Well, he did it. He finally pulled the plug on us and we are no more. I was planning for this to happen, but A) I was going to be the one to be the plug puller and B) I wasn't ready for it to happen so soon. But this is good. This is good that he did it. He was finally ready to express his feelings and confess that he just isn't in a place to be in a relationship with me. He understood that it wasn't fair for me and I had been patient enough so it was time he stopped living in his world of complacency and comfort and pushed the house down. And I'm good. I'm happy that he finally came to those terms. I feel like him being the one to actually end it hopefully helped him to go places emotionally with himself of what he needs and what needs to occur for him to feel something.
Back to me.
Like I said, I was planning on this anyway, just a little shocked at the quickness that it unraveled; and happy and sad. We are now just roommates and that is nice to have a nice bed all to myself. He has been gracious to let me have the master room and said there is no time frame from which to work, but I feel that being out of the apt into my own space in a month or so will be good for us both. It will help the transition. But right now, so much change, I need to take it a little at a time. So the month or two that we'll be roommates will also be good for me. I feel that I still feel for him. ;)

to be so strong

I’ve fought so hard to not lose a piece of me, but being with you I see that I’m sacrificing a different piece of me.  This voice inside has been eating at me, I can no longer embrace this beautiful picture I’ve created in my head out of hope and love. I can’t be the only artist on our picture.

all the time I’ve wasted hoping you’d come around with just a little more time. But I can’t regret, looking back I see I had to do that for me. I had to feel I gave what I could.

I was letting the rain in

I have been bitching a lot about the situation. Well, I'm planning on leaving him. The deal is done. But I don't need to tear him down. Like I said, he is a good guy, just not emotionally able to give me what I need in a relationship. So he folded laundry last night and that was very nice. Also I really like his childlike interest in things. He still enjoys silly penguins on his bed sheets. Things like that which I enjoyed about him.

But also I cam across this gem:



I remember to have ambitions, I call this one Green Ambition. I want to look like that someday and I need to get on it!

Everything Changes, even in 2016

2015 could be described as my year of unblinking hope.  But now I see that even after all the hope in the world, all the positive energy, all the emotional support, all the space needed, it just wasn't enough.  I'm not angry, but I'm going to ready myself to move on. I have to. I'm frightened to be this age and starting all over again. I don't even know where or how to proceed. But I can't stay here.

I've already walked through door #2, 2016 will be time to walk through door number three.
I tried to stand by you, even when it got tough. I tried to walk next to you to support, but I don't know what you need.  It's not clear where to go from here with you, but it's clear I need to keep walking. I keep walking for me.

I always knew we were built to fall apart.

So count to 15

So this guy has been spinning quite a bit on my playlist.

And I think he's he is 20yo from South Africa.

Sings a song, "Heaven." Where was that song when I was growing up and coming out?

And now today. I listen to the songs of yesterday and remember the emotions and feelings they evoked, and now the memory is all I feel. It's time to grow up and move on. but it's sad. It's never easy to leave familiar and jump into that unknown. I wanted to be the hero. I wanted our empires to grow and conquer each other, to become one and we'd rule the world from the top of the world. It would be our playground and we'd love each other and love in this life.
               But sadness is no longer a stranger
               Spring is turning into winter

               I can still laugh, but I'm forgetting all the happiness
               My heart is preparing to become a lonely hunter again

The only thing I can do is leave. He's content to be best of friends/roommates. He's honest with me. I'm not angry at him, I'm not upset with the situation. I just need to either settle (which I won't) or leave. Which I will.  I don't regret anything, I have learned.

Absolutely no regrets.

A Beautiful

So I've been thinking that I need to write again. Not for any reason other than sometimes I feel like the words, ideas, and sentences formulating in my mind are going to burst. Not that I have anything to say on anything regarding anyone else, but myself. Isn't that why most folks write? for themselves? Oh well. I begin this journey again. Welcome back, Welcome to join, Welcome, welcome.

So let's start the sweet madness:

I live in Anchorage now. And so far I love it. I moved up here for a boy. Well, it was the boy who helped pull the trigger to get me the hell out of Phoenix. I'm very happy to be gone, to be here.



I love this photo. Taken near my favorite group of trails. well, my favorite because I have explored them and feel that they are my home base. There are so many more trails to figure out and explore which are still only minutes from my front door.

I'll admit it's weird not having any friends here, or I should say any friends like I have in Phoenix. It's hard but at the same time it allows me the time I need right now to keep myself in perspective. I'm not getting any younger and still have a list a mile long of things I must accomplish before I sell the farm, so to speak.

Some goals - I think the same. I want to get that body and need to find the energy and the will power to actually do it.  The clock is my enemy (and yet I'm obsessed with time). I do collect hour glasses. Tonight I need to take it all in.

So just this bit of writing has helped to calm the swirling and whirling in my head. Mostly I just don't know where to go or what to do next. I shall do my bedtime routine and then read a book. Reading the Golden Compass books. So far pretty good.

It's still there, but I'm gonna try to get it better

Incessent talking from the next walled-in room over.  We share that unfortunate wall.  It tells me things from that enclosed space that I'd really rather not hear.  So as much that I aquired a trickling fountian to help the talking wall blend into the rest of the white noise from city and water.

I like my space.  It's lofty.  Very lofty.  I'm also tired.  Full-time position is making me sleep normally and a lot of it.

Going to bed, friends.

nothing's forever cuz we're just star dust

A couple Selena Gomez songs make me remember some ~2004 ryan.  Pieces of who I used to be.  "Forget Forever" and "Save the Day" are the two.  I like them quite a bit because they remind me of how I used to get upset when someone didn't like me; I used to get all wrapped up in a guy and then when things didn't go accordingly I would fume, cry, extreme-never-love-again.  But on the other side, save the day reminds me of finding that someone I have an electric connection with and am ready to give him my all, within the first 20 minutes of meeting.  I don't feel either extreme at all anymore -> is that growing up?  saber vos.

Silly government.  I saw a post on facebook wondering when public servants became royalty.  I agree.  They are in their ivory tower.  I don't have any answers and not even a bit of the facts.  I'm just currently weighing in how I feel - which in today's society is more news than actual fact.  More journalism and not so much truth.  But I'm not touting this blog to all I know.  if you come across this, then that's by your own happenstance so don't lump me into that category.  mofo.  ;)

Enigmas:  So glad he didn't come to brunch.  He is such a drama queen.  Wonder why I hear about the gathering an hour before it starts and you wonder why I'm not going.  It's simple addition really.  And you don't make my stars dance.  So I'm not giving energy.

The History Boys was a fantastic movie.  I thought.  So much to absorb.  Brilliant writing.

the random thoughts

And so it is, I can't wait to move out of the love bird's nest. While they are great friends, it's time for me to move on. And a great loft in the city is just the place.

If he's now a TV director, I'm very happy for him.

I've learned that when it comes to a job, there is never greener grass. Every place is going to have it's challenges. My higher ups go to bat for me, and I feel genuinely want me to succeed and care about my well being. They are a big part of making me feel like the grass is very green right under my feet.

 The TV show Suits is my obsession right now.

So long

Shut the front door. It's been such a long time. Coming. Wrinkles, under my eyes. Or nearing full-fledged wrinkles. I've been in the for for ages now, sitting on the fence. Time is now.

Dear Madonna,

I watched The Celluloid Closet today.  It held my interest the whole time.  I was amazed at these homosexual personalities portrayed throughout the decades.  I was most interested to find that a movie made in 1927 was rated as PG-13.

Dignity on my mind

I had parents who loved me, family, teachers who believed in me - I don't think that I had all those things dropped in my life to live silently.

I remember I was at church and the prophet said that we must love and pray for the gays.  I felt a message of love and understanding from Gordon B. Hinckley.  I knew I was gay, as most gay kids do.  I denied it, myself, until I had to explode - and I did.  I lived much, so much, in a short and small time.  I'm kind of surprised that I came out of it (relatively) unscathed.  I tried to run from who I was (I think I'm still trying today).  I ran from being gay and then I ran from ever trying to not be gay.  An extreme dichotomy in my life.  I worry that I'm 33 and still feel like I have infinite emotions to sort out before I'm "ready."  I desperately want to find a soulmate, someone who I can be myself around and who will love me regardless.  

I'm not sure how to live out loud.  I don't have a position that I would be listened to by the thousands.  I guess I can hope to touch a few lives.  I have my delusions.  I want to have adoring millions, I want to be loved by them.  But we can read into an internal black hole that needs filling the easy way.  I should love myself.

But I knew that I am not destined to be on some HBO comming out documentary.  I know that I'm meant to live a normal life.  But that doesn't diminish my ability to help people, to hopefully tell someone that having hopes and dreams is most important.  I want to share that putting your nose to the grind stone will reap you rewards.  I am in a good position in life.  I cannot complain.

The angry hatred that spews from the Mormon church these days is not a message of love and prayer any more.  It's an attack on different, it's a recoil to maintain an air of pride over a population.  I just want to know why?  Sin is choosing - choose ye this day whom you will serve.  But I never chose.  Other gays never chose.  If we didn't choose, how can it be a sin?  

I could get married, but I'd be lying to myself, and what hurts me more so is that I'd be lying to a woman I should love more than myself.  I couldn't give her what she deserves.  And us folks around here don't go for second best, baby.

I will taste the rain, I will taste my fears, I may curse the angels, but I will taste my fears.

I'll Fly With You

Sometimes, when the night has slowly crept up on me and my thoughts and mind are weary, I wonder if he ever thinks about me.  Having such a deep, intense relationship that ended overnight threw my world into a tail spin. My foundation was rocked. I still think about our times together... the city mural painted on his wall.  The trips to San Diego.  It was bazaar to lose a part of my life so suddenly like that.  Animosity.  Hate.  I confronted him and he apparently was tired of how selfish I was?  I'm not claiming innocence but I guess I hoped that he would have treated me differently.  Just walking away from someone in silence is a cruel punishment.  But I guess I needed to be punished.  I wish he would have felt comfortable, or even felt that I was at least worth a conversation.

Our past has brought us to where and who we are today.  I'm happy today.  I'm content with my life.  I've taken awhile to get going.  I wasn't perfect, nor a fantastic friend, but I thought we were good friends.  This was years ago.  Almost 10 years I think.

I try to empathize with where he was in his life.  I can cerebral-ly understand him.  I can understand why he did what he did.  But my heart still just asks, "why?"  What about what we had?

The world seemed to be all ours, and it wouldn't have been enough.  We wanted all that life had to offer, we wanted to drink it up, let it course through our veins.  We wanted to know who all were, what all tasted like, what all smelled like.  We wanted to skip small talk and run in the fields naked with life flowing past our skin.  And then a door into nothing.

It still leaves me silenced to this day.  I try to grow up, I try to just get over it.  But the ending was all on his terms.  I got no notice, there was no memo in my inbox.  I feel like I never got to close that book and walk out of the room and close the door.

[typing this i see how selfish i can come across. i see i'm only seeing what i had and lost. i don't know how else to deal with it.  i loved him.  i loved him like a partner in an intimate crime, involving time and many hearts.  a crime of hearts and time.  since he went away. but i also understand that he did what he needed to do the best way he knew how to do it and it was what he needed to do for him]

I don't want to go, I guess.  I am still hanging on to what we shared.  I must have felt differently about it.  I loved our illusion together.  It had to end.  I guess I was unhealthy for him.  Things happen as they need to, I trust the universe in that aspect.  But I don't want to wake up, and let him go.  I need get up, wake up, move on, go on, be gone.

San Diego and the fun

What to say? I had thoughts on many things, and they all seem to have left my mind. Sad. Connecting with family has been wonderful while here. This has been my reset and something that I've really been needing. Been needing a lot.

Sky Fits the Heaven - Fly It

I'm in a whimsical mood.  I don't know if it's the effects of the cocktail of pick-me-ups that I just swallowed, but I do feel like a kid again, at least not so gloomy.  I google-imaged "sky fits heaven" and here is what I got:

Obviously it's a Madonna song.  I have so many memories tied up in the 1998 Ray of Light period.  Wow, graduating high school.  I remember when I got the Ray of Light CD, I made my dad buy it for me when he was in Flagstaff that day it came out.  Small town, AZ didn't get CDs until about three months post-release.  And I would have died to wait that long for her new disc.  It pretty much defied that period of life... searching for something new, wanting to let the past go, "travel down my own road" so to speak.

 The weird ink-in-the-clouds is really cool.

The model, I dunno.  he looks good, like he fits that shirt really well.  <>








I felt judged at the pharmacy today.  The RPh seemed to side-eye my Rxs.  This was a learning experience for me, to learn to respect everyone individually - aren't they all fighting a hard battle?  I do judge, and will probably (more than likely) continue to do so.  But I felt the judged side of that.  And a walk around the tienda helped me to process my abhorence, dismay, embarrasment of being on that other side of the lens.  People gonna judge.  I can only let them.  True to myself, I have nothing to prove to them.  I'm comfortable with who I am... or at least trying and learning each day about it.

I made a mix-disc to send to my in-my-head-husband.  I would still marry him.  He has a wonderful man in his life and they are happy and they are beautiful.  But we have a weird snail mail relationship.  And it works.  I just add him to my menagerie of men with whom I feel a deep, one-sided connection.  ;)
The songs are:
How Do You Do, Lens, American Pie-JB's Mix, A Wake, Villains, Dear Prudence, For Me This Is Heaven, Take Me To The River, Overrated, Joining You, Run, Los Amantes Del Circulo Polar, Moon River, Sky Fits Heaven [Sasha], Come & Get It.

Most of these songs have a place in my life, they mean something to me.  Be it lyrics, the mood the music sets, I feel like these songs all point out personal pieces of myself.  They helped me learn about myself.

That's my theory on people in our lives - people enter and you learn something about yoruself through them, and sometimes you keep on learning and they remain, sometimes they only need to be there for a few minutes, seconds, etc.  That is how I see, in a nutshell, our interpersonal relationships.