Happiness lies in your own hands, and Happy Birthday Mom

I'm listening to ATB "I wanna cry." That song seems to fit my moods more often than not. Not because I want to cry, but because it puts me in a pensive mood. When I analyze my life and where I've been and where I'm going.

I told my mom I'm not an active Mormon anymore and she cried. I felt bad. Nobody likes it when their mom cries. But I'm still resolved in my decision. She told me that no matter what she is my mom and she will always love me.

I wavered some on the boy. But once again I'm firm in my knowledge that trying to get close to him is like opening up a pretty package of poison. I'll get hurt in the end. A little bit of me got really attached to him where I remember him often throughout the day but don't feel any real pain. Mostly I wonder what we could have been, and it's kinda too bad because we could have had much more fun.






I'm really busy with school. I'm trying to learn French again and it's totally kicking my butt, but I'm going to do it.

I saw today that last week over 100 people (okay like 102) visited my site. I once again wondered who would want to read the ramblings of a nut. But then saw that the average time spend in the site was 7 seconds. LOL. Long enough for some poor soul to realize where he/she is and move on... ;)

Bathwater

That’s what I’ve been doing. Bathing in his old bathwater. Telling myself that he’d never love another.

Until he no longer had much time to hang out or be together because all of a sudden he owed lots of other people his time. Others who he had continued to flirt with.

I don’t grovel. Like me because I’m me. Not because I text you every waking hour of the day and night. Not because I buy you lots of things or give you everything you mention. Not because I run by your side the moment you say you don’t feel well.

But because you know that I could give you support and will accept you and your dreams and will do what I can to help you reach them. That one day I could love you and put you first in my life. And try and make you happy.

Of course I know you would never do that for me.

I don’t feel or want to say that someday you’ll regret letting me go. I don’t want there to be pain for anyone. I don’t hate you.
You were simply a lesson I needed to learn. I feel I have come out of this as a wiser man. I understand things about love and friendship a bit better. I know what is important and what can be gilded.
I just simply want to wave and walk away. I’ll see you again. Maybe in the arms of your new lover. But I don’t want to feel bad, or happy for you.

I simply want to let you pass into the past. And not forget you, nor remember you.
I’ll never say goodbye, but I let go of all the hope I ever had for us.

She's got a separate universe

And I feel like everything will be okay.
I feel like everything is going as it should.

But I can't deny there is still that nagging voice of doubt in the back of it all. I wish I could return to my youth, to my childhood only in the sense that everything was so innocent.

one cannot live with such poison

We began under doomed circumstances, circumstances with which I was never very comfortable.

I'm going to ask that you never return. I feel inside you still hurt me.

I never saw forever in your eyes. While we cannot predict the future, it's nice to know that someone is going to fight for it at least.

I'm going to ask you to never come back. My heart still hurts. You should know well what it is to break the heart of someone.

I cannot live with such poison.

set your stakes too high, you're bound to lose

So I finally accepted what deep down I knew all along. He's no good for me.

I can't try and give in a relationship only to receive very little in return. I need something in return.

I felt like I could never fully relax around him. I always had to be on my gaurd. It was only 2.5 weeks. But there was more. I never felt I could trust him. And around his "friend" we had to act like near strangers.

I can't be in anything like that. Make up your mind to date me and not be worried that someone will find out. Or just let it go. Before I get anymore involved.

Well, you don't have to let go, I just did.

one more step into the unknown

I have been thinking a lot today. I'm not sure if my life is going where I want it to be going.

School began today and I think that I'll be able to do well in my classes but I will have to work hard, study hard and give up a lot of my social activities.

Directions that I really have no idea where they are leading to, I am heading. But I feel that I just need to hang in there. I feel in my bones that things are happening right now, things that are going to cause great change, necessary change, in my life. That's why I'm just trying to deal with life on a daily basis. I am trying to keep abreast on things that I can control, but as they say, you can plan a picnic but you can't predict the weather.

I was also wondering, when a friend told me that he read my blog, if anyone really reads this thing anymore. I know it's moved onto the back shelf in my life. I write when I have time and the urge to say something. But then that's why it's here. For me. ;)

I have already gone further and relaxed more and accepted things in such a way that has proved to be VERY difficult for me in the past. Maybe the change I feel is going to be more of an internal change than an external change.

I'm learning to accept that people have different views on relationships. What is acceptable, how fast one should move, when an open mouth kiss is just a kiss to one, but reaching a deeper level of intimacy for another. Learning to trust the words of another when everything in you wants to disbelieve all that is said. Understanding that come what may, I will always have myself to answer to, so making sure I can look myself in the mirror is important.

moving forward, it's just simply moving forward. making sacrifices now to help tomorrow be that much better. that's what I'm doing, what everyone does, and really though it's hard, it's worth it. It's definitely worth it.

yo yo yo what's up!

I'm exhausted. I'm sick and tired of hashing out my thoughts on paper, to friends, pretty much there still is no answer and there never will be one, yet I cannot relax about it. It's essentially going to come down to me just dealing with it.

Really what I need to do is have some quiet, alone time and just think about it. I know what conclusion I need to come to, it's just getting my heart and head up that hill to the same spot of understanding.

And sheesh. We've only been talking a couple of weeks.

And if it so be that ye should labor...

The following is a very strong and moving letter written by the mother ofa gay boy in Vermont...

"Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexualmenace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I've taken enough fromyou good people. I'm tired of your foolish rhetoric about the "homosexualagenda" and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant.

You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny.My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay.He never professed to be gay or had any association with anything gay, buthe had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the other boys. Hewas called "fag" incessantly, starting when he was 6.

In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn't bear to continue living any longer, that he didn't want to be gay and that he couldn't face a life without dignity.You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don't know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn't put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it's about time you started doing that.

At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won't get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don't know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.If you want to tout your own morality, you'd best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you.

If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it. For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I'm puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something youhave chosen, that you could change it at will? If that's not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?

A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul a Vermonter, so I'll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for "true Vermonters."

You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for this great country, saying that they didn't give their lives so that the "homosexual agenda" could tear down the principles they died defending. My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II, was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart.He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live. He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one. One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all. That wasn't the measure of the man.

You religious folk just can't bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities that he should request the right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance.How dare he? you say. These outrageous requests would threaten the very existence of your family, would undermine the sanctity of marriage. You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin.

The deep-thinking author of a letter to the April 12 Valley News who lectures about homosexual sin and tells us about "those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing" asks: "What ever happened to the idea of striving . . . to be better human beings than we are?"

Indeed, sir, what ever happened to that? "

it is what it is, and I know what I feel

How do you tell your friend, yes, we are talking. How do you tell your friend, yes, we are moving in that more-than-friends direction. How do you tell your friend that it's with someone he still isn't over?

I'm trying to be mature. Maturity is something I saw in N and liked. I have resolved to do what I can to let some of the little boy in me fall into the past. While fiercely guarding my childhood dreams, and the childlike ambitions and views, I know that I need to grow up in certain areas too. Relationships being one of them. No, I'm not going to find Mr. Perfect. He doesn't exist. If someone doesn't like me, then I accept that it happens. If someone has a life outside of me while we are just getting to know each other, that is their prerogative. I need to let the cynicism go. I need to stop worrying that they are spending time with me only so they can hurt me in the end.

I need to just relax and enjoy what I have. I'm a big boy. If you don't like me, then I'll move on just fine. I'll recover from the broken heart and bruises, I'll stay alive.

And I also know that I would rather my friend be happy and I temporarily unhappy rather than both unhappy. I know because I have had to watch a man I felt strongly for kiss and hold other men so a friendship could develop. In my heart I knew that is what I needed to do. And now I feel the same feeling that in my heart, I am doing what I need to be doing. I don't regret and I'm not looking for reasons. I'm following my intuition. And I can honestly say I'm happy, but not without the wish that my friend would accept that not everything is the way he thinks and expects it to be. But I'm not giving up on him either. I have a gut feeling that things will work out; everything is going to be alright.

a little bit of nothing

A summer party was thrown one beautiful, sunny day. A large, cool glass of lemonade was given to each guest upon arrival. All talked, laughed and shared one another’s company. As the glasses were emptied, the guests slowly left, and soon there was no one left in the yard. The streamers and banners gently wafted in the breeze, and darkness began to descend. No one ever noticed the large pitcher of lemonade on the table, brimming with the sweet juice. No one ever noticed it.

If you could only see the way

My lunch today was a sandwich purchased from a vending multi-level refrigerated carousel. Ugh. It was only made bearable by pilfering for Wendy’s ketchup packets from my co-worker’s desk and then spurting the contents on the sandwich and squeezing out every last drop of red goodness. I’m sure I’ll survive, and yes, things were in such a state that I needed something solid. I can only drink water and coffee for so long.

The minute I walked into work this morning and unloaded all my unnecessary necessities, my co-worker/self-acclaimed clairvoyant came over with her ceramic turtle paper-weight and predicted that today not very much work would get done. Who am I to try and disprove the turtle? So not much work has been completed today.

I’m loving my new gmail account. It is the best thing since my first hotmail account. I feel all special when I get a new message and I can “archive” and then search for mail rather than sort it. Wow. I stand all amazed at the freedom gmail has given me.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I like The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf better than Starbucks. But I was recently introduced to the “Mocha Valencia” from SB. Not bad, but not very good either. No wonder they omitted that from the menu.

I am growing a beard, but today reached my threshold and cannot endure it any longer. I am going to trim it, shave it, not sure which. But something needs to change. Everyone says I look good with the beard, but I think I’ll experiment more with it in the fall.

I was reading a blog today and I saw an entry where Madonna’s acting was totally picked apart. I have to agree, but sheesh, stop looking for the man behind the curtain. It’s just like we know the beaches in Southern CA are sucky for swimming but we all go anyway. And on that note, I’d even love to move closer to them so I could be miserable many times a year, dealing with the horribly cold, murky water. And I will continue to see all of Madonna’s movies despite the fact that I cringe through the whole thing at the transparent, fully calculated delivery of the lines. BUT I LOVE YOU MADONNA!!! Don’t tell me I don’t sacrifice for true love. It’s all a give and take relationship.

I’ve almost finished the 6th Harry Potter book. I feel like nothing has been accomplished. I want to smack Harry and tell him to stop getting so wrapped up in Draco, and I need to let JK Rawling know that it seems she didn’t enjoy writing this book as much as the others. It seems that she rushed through it and just wanted to be done. Yes ma’am, we readers pick up on things like that. But since I’m addicted, and the story line is still rather enticing, I’ll finish it.

distressed that sometimes the XL shirt fits perfectly

I realized that it’s okay to feel bad for noticing a difference between the email N and the person that came to visit. I was feeling so upset because in my mind I was telling myself that I should not be feeling upset for the difference. The event showed that he and I can be good friends but nothing more and I was hurt that once he actually met me, he lost interest. I started figuring that there must be something terribly wrong with me. And I was mad at myself for feeling this way, that I should just be accepting of it. But it’s okay to feel bad. I know I’m not a perfect person, but I’m also a good person, and confusion of what was different about meeting in person is okay to feel. It’s also okay that we didn’t click. I know that it was not on my part. He had his reasons. While I would like to know the reasons, I don’t want to know them. I must just continue to try and improve myself on a daily basis. After all, everyone is just traveling down their own road, watching the signs as they go, following their own hearts.

never to send

I was hoping that you could breathe freely. But I focused so much on what I wasn’t feeling from you that I never realized that you never fully relaxed.

I understand now that we are two different people, but I don’t hesitate to say the same in so many ways. We were quick to attack any silence between us, the concern we feigned for the other became nearly a poison. I never heard you enter or leave. We never made each other laugh. It was a false situation and we always hid our bad moods. We don’t flow like A and B, we could never fit in the same room for long.

Tell me truthfully, don’t sensor your tears. I want to know where you run for comfort, I want to make sure you are loved. I want to reach out and hug you and hold you close so you feel that I care for you. And hold you with the knowledge that I will let go to let you fly freely. I worry that you are a scared child inside yet much braver than myself. I want to touch your face and feel where you think. I want to see you joyful in your lover’s arms. I no longer want to see the façade of a smile on your lips, but the real thing. Right now that is what I desire for you. Right now that is how I feel about you.

I wish I could see you as a little boy, before all the walls were built. I wish I knew you before I built mine. Your eyes always looked past me your voice always for another’s ears. I sought comfort from others and wished you had never come along.

I’m still accepting that you will never care for me the way I wish you would.

las horas tienen que segir

I dreamt last night that I tried to kill someone and then was running from the police for the rest of the dream. Why would I try and kill someone? It could represent many things. I think that it may be I’m still trying to figure out what went awry. Maybe I’m trying to just get rid of the confusion, or the hurt, or the memory. I don’t know. What I do know is that I was rejected for one reason or another, and it was only after meeting face to face. So I’m thinking it’s my physical appearance. Maybe I’m really ugly and everyone is just exceptionally nice to me.
It is what it is. But I still feel that I hit some sort of a wall. This has happened so many times that I would be foolish to get up again and dust myself off yet another time without putting some serious thought into what I need to do to change this predictable cycle.
I’m at a loss of thoughts on this matter. All I can think is that I need to bow out for an indefinite period of time.
I guess for now, I don’t believe in life after love. Sorry Cher, but I don’t for now. Um, really I don’t think I believe in love. Does that make me a stupid girl?
But I’m not selling out, I’m just walking away. I won’t be broken again. I’ll let it go for now, I’ll learn to not let it happen again.

Why do I feel sad for something I never had?

I'm sure he can cry with dry eyes and I'm done casting pearls before swine

I was thinking that I wanted to post something but I didn’t know what. I figured that I just wouldn’t, but I wanted to write. This blog seems to get more of the depression than the euphoria. I then realized that I was letting the blog dictate what I wrote in it. I was thinking I didn’t want to write anything depressing, despite that is how I feel. I then thought that I needed to get a new totally anonymous blog so I could bitch and no one would ever know, but then what’s the point of this blog? So I came round as so many others do that I need to remember this blog is mine. If I want to be sad and depressed on it, then that is what I can do.

With that justification I feel I owe the blog gods, I’ll proceed to the entry:

I feel like a butterfly that tried to spread his wings and fly but only realized he has so much more of the cocoon to break out of still.

Yet again, I have to chalk this weekend up to learning. A guy who I met came out to meet me. It was a giant leap for both of us since we met online. Over the emails we flirted and all that good stuff, but when he got here, it was like a glass wall was placed around him and I couldn’t break it. He seemed more interested in talking to and spending time with any other person in the room than me. So the illusion that months of email and such created was smashed to bits in only hours. I don’t know what to think. Did I disappoint him? Was I dishonest? I didn’t expect intimacy, but I certainly expected to feel closer to him rather than feel he was running from me and I was foolishly chasing after him. Even when we broke away from everyone at his request to talk, we didn’t talk. He became very quiet and aloof, just as he was all weekend. So that left me even more confused. But he’s home now, and I have a place to stay in Chicago should I so feel the need to visit. I was talking about that to him at the end of his visit and I said that I would definitely have to go there because I love the art museum there, or the pieces in it. He made the comment that he would be there too which took me a little by surprise because after the weekend we had just spent together, I really wasn’t looking forward to anther weekend of feeling like he was wishing he wasn’t there. I figured he wasn’t interested in the least should I breathe or asphyxiate.

I just felt torn all weekend. Until we were at the Zoo Party; I was still trying to make sense of something when it just dawned on me that it was a futile cause. He was on his phone all weekend for a reason. He would wander off and talk to other people for a reason. I saw the difference between a genuine and fake smile. Towards the end I saw a lot of the fake smile. Something was wearing on him. So then I just let it go as I said at the party and that was that. The ride back to Phx the following day was pleasant. Only after he left did all the doubts and such return. I guess I switched into survival mode to endure the last day with him. I couldn’t handle the pain and he seemed bent on keeping closed.

So that was my weekend. This is the last time I ever trust really anyone, even if they seem genuine. I’ll let him slip into the past, but I will keep in mind that he lives in Chicago, oh yes, I will remember that I owe him a visit to Chicago…