a las estrellas pido

Do you ever find yourself walking down your particular chosen path in life and then find that not only did it prove to be the wrong path, but you have to retrace your steps, moving back to where you already were? And the 2nd time around isn't going to be any easier than the first, if not a bit more difficult?

I'm sure that is just a common misfortune of life, without immunity. Happens to everybody.

But that's where I find myself.

Sin ni una palabra, me di cuenta que lo que estábamos compartiendo se acabó. Durante nuestra conversación había el sentido que algo cambió. Pero primeramente sentí que el mundo iba a dejar de gira.

Duele el amor sin ti. Duele mis ojos por no verte. Duele mis labios por no besarte. Duele mis dedos por no tocarte. Duele mi alma por no sentir tu calor.

Quisiera que me amaras.
Quisiera estar contigo siempre.

El cielo se apagó desde que te fuiste. El sol se escondió su cara. Para no ver mis lágrimas congelados en cristal. En la noche busco tu fantasma que se burla de me dentro de mis sueños.

Quiero preguntarte por qué no me diste ni una mentira para creer.

Pero todo esto no pasaba. Porque aprendo del pasado. No te quería más que un amigo. Sin embargo en las noches, cuando estoy al punto de entrar el mundo de los sueños, dejo pensar como sería si estuvieras conmigo, viviendo una vida juntos. No puedo caer así, porque solo fue un sueño, en realidad no pienso así.

rain, rain, come today

Yesterday all I wanted to do was absolve myself from the real world. I wanted to close my door and windows and just watch a good movie wrapped in a blanket on the sofa. So I rented Mean Girls. Decent flick.
That was my recovery from the weekend of out-too-late nights. But I have to say that this weekend was wonderful. I had fun. My usual depression from bar attendance was surprisingly low. Met some nice people. Had fun with the family. And decided it was time I took a break from my life. Not getting away. Just ducking out for awhile. Not too much before the wonderful holidays, but enough to prep for next year.
I'm toying with the idea that I need to lay low again. All summer I was never out, and this time I want to be gone before the summer. Not so that I can make a grand entrance with the heat. I just want to get out of it for awhile.
I feel that when I try and stretch myself too many ways at once I begin to lose my center of gravity, or I forget my goals.
This dawned on me when I was out with a frined and he said that he'd call me the next day, and when no phone call came at the expected time I was midly troubled that I was an awful boring person that no one would ever in their right mind would ever want to be around. Yes, flashback five years. That was me on a daily basis.
I've come so far. So far from who I used to be. I'm not the neurotic mess I was. I still have my moments, but I'm so much the stronger person.
I find that if I'm okay with me, then so is the world. I have goals that have been placed in the freezer for sometime now, I need to get them out, thaw them, and then see what I can do to develope them.
What happened to running? Working out? Reading novels? Wrinting in my journal? Yes, I have a paper journal.
I've been reading the Book of Mormon again lately. I remember so much about my past when I read that book. How I used to be. I would never want to return, but visiting is nice.
My ideal is I will be my past, present and future. I'm still working on the gay mormon thing...

A veces me siento que di mi vida al viento.
y ahora la busco.
Pero ya me doy cuenta que estuvo en mi mano.
siempre la tuve.

In a Crowded Room, Feeling so Alone

For the longest time I've felt I was the odd man out on a ship of fools. Now I realize I just may be the fool.

Imagine my Reality

This morning in the shower I did something I haven't done in quite some time. I day-dreamed. I was up earlier this morning so I had a few extra minutes to spare and before I knew it I was performing Evita on Broadway and had millions of adoring fans and was going to film a movie co-starring Jude Law.

And then the thought hit me: I couldn't remember the last time I was in a day dream that was all about me being something incredibly wonderful, living a wonderful life. I couldn't remember the last time I day-dreamed. I loved it. I devoured the self-indulgence.

I have been so preoccupied with school, work, and so much other stuff that sums up reality, I forgot to just let my mind free and live in whimsy. It was most liberating. As I walked out to my car in my scarf, gloves, and sunglasses (why not?) I wondered if my neighbors knew they were living next to one of the world's most famous actors/singers.

I used to have a pretty good imagination. Even to the point the art teacher in high school was recruiting me to be on the year-book staff. When I would do things for my classes that entailed props, I never went half-way. To this day, the set I designed and built for Act 5 of Romeo and Juliet to be perfomed using puppets is in that English teacher's room.

Who is that Ryan? How could I be so care free and relaxed, that things just came, just flowed to me; that imagination was always part of my reality. It kept life exciting for me as a child. As I've gotten older, I've lost a lot of it. But I want to reinstitute it. I want to not take life so seriously, and not take love so seriously. "I know there's someone out there, waiting for me. There must be someone out there, there just has to be." But in the meantime, I'm going to find me and love me. I 'm going to love strangers again, and make people I hardly know feel they are important. I thrive on seeing others happy, I've been somewhat caught up on myself lately, or on the illusion of me, working, studying, being boring.

I want to love life, just like I used to when I was a kid, when I was a teenager. There are still a lot of first times out there, and second times, and fiftieth times. If the imagination is present, why should I ever live a mundane life again? Others may perceive me as that, but only if they could taste the adventure that I am going to call life. And of course, everyone is invited.

T = 5days

Song of the Day: "Live To Tell"

can I stay in love forever?

Reno/Tahoe is where it’s at this week. Well, it’s where JV is. He left Sunday morning 7am. I wanted to be there at 6:45 with a coffee to send him on his way. But I thought too much about it and decided that I would then be on stalker boundaries with that one. In jest, as I was leaving Sat afternoon, I said for him to send a postcard my way and he got all serious and took my address down. I don’t expect one, but it would still be something fun.
My roommate is convinced that this thing with JV and I is going to all come crashing down soon. I must admit that things seem to be going too well also. I’ve learned that my love affairs don’t last for long; I never fool myself that my dreams will actually come true.
But I keep telling myself that we are just friends, and really that is all it should be. However I cannot deny that I would like it to develop into something more, something bigger, something wonderful. I’m a hopeless romantic.
But I like the ambiguity. There was that talk that I brought up a few weeks ago, and since then I have been very content to just let it take shape as the fates see fit to form it.
I’ve never moved this slowly, I usually get impatient and either try and define the relationship or just drop it. Someone new usually comes along towards the floundering end anyway.

Someone new has cropped up.

JV and I are not floundering. We are establishing a friendship that is mandatory and fun. It’s still exciting to go over to his house, and talk. I feel like I could talk forever with him and still not know enough about him.

I’ve never really been in this situation. Well once, but I bullocked that one up rather well. So I’m resolved to just take is slowly with this other guy as well. Funny thing though with this other, A, is that we too have been moving rather slowly. I met him about a month ago, and we’ve been meaning to get together, but nothing has worked out. Not that it was difficult planning something, just I never felt any pressure to get things going.
And now we’re meeting up for coffee this week. JV is out of town. I can’t wait for him to get back so I can hear about his trip. But knowing him, his trip will probably be summed up in about 30 seconds. He never waists words.
On Saturday we were ending and I stood up to leave and he stood up on the couch to be taller than me, but quickly got off. In those seconds that he was there where I looked up to him, I wanted to either hug him or kiss him or both. Or I wanted to play punch him.
All that went through my mind, but as usual, when uncertain, I just remain still.

RESOLUTION:

I have decided that the outlook I need to assume with JV is one that I want to give him support and friendship and love, and I don’t want to expect anything in return. I want to give and give and give to him. I don’t want him to feel he needs to give me anything. I don’t want to think he needs to give anything to me. I just want him to know how much I like to be in his presence. I feel like I can accomplish anything when I’m with him. I feel like I could live forever should I choose to do so. That is gift enough for me. But it’s a dangerous high. I could become addicted to him. So by giving much to him, I’m hoping I’ll give more than I receive and will wear out eventually and then I will lose interest because it’s too much work to be around him. That is my defense mechanism.

Just from the friendship I feel like I have a level of peace in my life that I haven’t experienced in years. Things just make sense when he’s there. And there are after effects. Spending time with him will usually put me in a good mood for the rest of the day.
The usual doubt and uncertainty that plagues me with anybody that I like is gone with JV. Deep down I know I trust him. And if he feels that nothing more than a friendship, or even ending the friendship is best, then I know that I can just trust him and accept his decision wasn’t made in spite, but in the best interest of the situation.

He’s in Reno/Tahoe this week. I miss him. Just a little bit every now and then.

Oxymoron

Slowly, ever so slowly. I feel myself breaking away from him. I have set out with the goal to make my heart feel only friendship for him. I want him in my life. Anything more than friendship is unhealthy at this point. We need to start at friendship (and we never proceed further). When I’m away from him, I’m fine. But can’t say that the incriminating little though of wishing I could see him never crosses my mind. It’s when I’m around him I either want to tackle him and dig myself into his soul or I can hold back the deluge of affectivity. I need more practice being around him (That was a fun sentence).
Hmmm, just read the last few sentences and nothing really made sense or totally contradicted itself. But I do love a good contradiction now and then, being a gay mormon and all.

Also to anyone reading, I would definitely recommend reading Edinburgh by Alexander Chee. A very good book. I couldn’t put it down. I’m thinking that since I’m all about supporting the arts, I will buy the book and I’d like to read it again and write notes in it. There are a lot of hidden intricacies that tickled my fancy. Who said that good literature could only come from England, and selected neighboring countries between the years 1800 – 1950 (oh, that was me).

Stranger than Fiction

I can't put my finger on it, but I know that something has changed. In me. I'm not who I was a week ago. I've changed. There are still remnants of the man who used to live in me, and they are part of me. I have to clean up what he left behind. I need to learn how to live in this being. The eyes seem so large, what is peering through them so small. I don't mourn the departure of this man. Actually glad that he has moved on. I feel closer to myself than I have felt in years. I feel like I can move on. The man left behind much. I learned to act like him, I learned to think like him. But now that he is gone I must learn to develop who I am. Everything that goes wrong is no longer is fault, but mine. Everything good no longer will go to his credit. It it me. This existence feels strange. Like a newborn opening her eyes. But I remember how I used to be. At least I think I do. I'm scared. I'm excited. I can do this. I won't fail. I won't run away.

I'll taste my tears.
I'll face my fears.

Voy

I should wear black. I'm mourning right now. Only I don't know why. Maybe it's me. I'm not who I used to be. And I'm not sure I know who I am right now. I think I have an idea. But deep down I know that this isn't me.

Recently a close friend wrote me a letter out of the blue. I had been trying to push her away gently, along with that circle of friends. I no longer cared to associate with them. Here's what she wrote:

"Ryan, I really do hope you are doing well and happy. I know that you like to experience life - usually in a direction that I'm not familiar with - but I hope you don't ever get too caught up in all of that. I know great things are in your path if you decide to pick up the responsibility (but I don't say a word, not one word). And as much as I love your playful banter and laugh, sometimes I feel like part of you is missing. I do hope you are happy and close to the Lord and that you remember what is truly important to you. I hope you are praying for strength."

I know the Ryan she is writing to. I used to be him. But that Ryan doesn't exist anymore. I used to think that I would keep him in my back pocket and assume the identity when needed. But I guess even a Gemini cannot play duel roles for very long. I feel I almost don't know how to be that person any more. And we're not talking about progression. We're talking that I have gone a different direction than what I, just four years ago, ever thought I'd take.

I cannot deny what I know. I also cannot deny what I feel. A battleground of sorts. Fighting for happiness, for joy I suppose. Where do I go from here? I remember what joy is. At least I think I do.

I want to be rainbow high

All my reason and defenses desert me when a cute boy with an English accents takes a fancy to me. I crumble under the advances of those from London. And especially when he is nice, polite, kind. Definitely marriage material. But he lives in London. But then I guess I'll just have to go visit him.

A large party ensued this weekend. It was titled M.E.A.T. and themed military. I went in with the notion that I was just as good as any other there. Confidence is always a mandatory accessory at any gay function. I also viewed the situation that I was going to just have a good time. And I did have a good time. What I think or how I tell myself to perceive the situation is working. I met a few nice people last night. And briefly fell in love with a boy from England.

My poor roommate is on the verge of a breakdown. But I'm strong enough for both of us right now. He needs help. He has been used and abused. He needs to learn confidence. I'm not much of a teacher in that sense, since I'm a student myself. But I am further along than him. I want him to see himself as the great person that he is.
We are going to work out together, and since I can talk to pretty much anything that has lips (thanks to the mission), I will take him out and introduce him to my friends, and help him learn to talk to other people, not just close friends. He's very shy. I think I'll call him Eliza, and just call me Higgins.

My current interest introduced me to a friend of his. He is like god. Very cute, body formed after Apollo's, and nice. Very nice. And he is rather interesting to talk to. I looked at my interest in comparison to this new boy. My interest is older, not a body of stone, and not quite as good looking. Sometimes hard to talk to. But I still would have taken him given the choice. I don't know what he has that draws me to him. I want to live inside his soul.

My head is cloudy from grey thoughts. I can't seem to process anything much beyond the basic survial necessities. All I can seem to briefly focus on is a passing thought: Have I accepted that we are just friends.
Turbulent winds bluster within my soul. I want to reach out to him, I want to take his head in my hands, I want to kiss his eyes, I want to sing him to sleep.

My exterior remains placid as a pool in the July afternoon. But I am caught by the undertow. Within I claw for solid ground. I can't feel anything but his absence, and the storm thereof. And I'm sure I am nothing to him, but a friend. When will I accept our beautiful, innocent frinedship.

My mind has split into 1000 pieces. Not enough strength to fully formulate any thought. My heart is numb. Only divinity or death can realease me from this tumultuous pain.

But I know I will survive, if only by the memory that for a few sacred seconds I was yours and you were mine.

Ideas

I've had so many ideas about what to write next. Where do I want to go? I'm bored of whining about love. But it's cathartic for me. I never will stop falling in love or give up hope. So feeling the anquish of a failed affair is just part of the game. I accept that.

I wanted him to be mine so badly. I tried to play it cool. Finally I told him what I felt. It may have damaged, but I don't know. I do know that I was able to go on much easier. He told me that he just isn't ready for a relationship with anybody right now. So friendship it is. Now I'm expending my energy developing a friendship with him, and no longer worried about if something more will arise. If so, then so be it.

There is a huge army themed party tonight. I'm rather excited for it. I've heard of it before, but never have gone. It's by invitaion only, so I guess yours truly made the cut.

If our reality is made or shaped by a large percentage of how we think or perceive it, then wouldn't we have the power to shape our reality?

Surely we all think that what we sense is truth. What we see is there, what we feel is there, but then proceeding into the metaphysical. I am one to get lost there. What I think may be totally not what is truth. So in that sense, I can start to shape what I want. Nobody else can do so for me. They can tell me what they think, but that is just their reality.

She wasn't the most beautiful girl in the room. She wasn't by any means one who stood out intellectually, or in any other sense. She was, as perceived by me, plane. But if I were to talk to her. If I were to take the time to see who she was, then my reality would change and she possibly could be seen as so much more.

I wonder if people think that about me.

But then I saw a guy in the library. He also wasn't very attractive, or seemed to scream special in anyway... but then he did. He had an air of confidence around him that immediately made me wonder who he was and I almost wanted to go figure out when he knew and I didn't that could make him so confident.

If my reality consists of me knowing that I am just fine, and I like me, then would others see that? I think so. Confidence is a quality that I will work towards.

Lessons from Coffee

He called and asked if I would be able to meet him for coffee around 4:30 at the Starbucks on 7th and McDowell. It seems that Starbucks went out of their way to provide a small floor show at that time, enlisting the talent of a local mendicant. He and I chatted during the show, and a few times were part of the audience participation portions.

Chatter mostly consisted of small talk: the weather, work, school, etc. He brought coupons to clip. He's a lawyer. I haven't asked him, but talk from his friends is that he probably doesn't know who his real father is. He put himself through school. He said that he was always really mature for his age. He knew what he needed to do to get into college, and so he did it. He was valedictorian of a class of 400. I was #3 in a class of 100. He made me want to accomplish much. He had so little, and I have the help of parents when the going gets tight, he didn't. He knew he wanted to be a lawyer since he was in high school, and followed through with it. Ambition is so sexy. He is sexy. There were a few times that I just wanted to kiss him.

He's 34. I'm 24.

I know that that is an issue for him. I'm trying really hard to come across as myself. All my friends tell me that I need to stop being so mature and do stupid kid stuff once in awhile.
I wish that I could be 30 right now, graduated and with my phamD. I like mature guys that still can have a good time but are down to earth, they have a direction. 30+ seems to fit that rather well. The problem is they are usually looking for the same thing and just see me as a kid, possibly looking to piggy-back them and get a free handout now and then. Students aren't too popular with those who are now working. (But I work 35 hours a week).

I felt that the best thing I could do for him in that moment was study a little harder and make something out of myself as he did.

At six on the dot, he said it was time to leave. 2.5 hours was more than I had imagined.

Honestly I thought he'd never call.

He left with the statement "Thanks for meeting me for coffee. Have fun studying."

No mention of a next time, no see you later. But I had to smile anyway.

Three months ago, I assumed that I'd never meet him. He was an untouchable for me. Too good for the likes of me. But him getting my phone number and then calling, was more than I had ever fathomed.

He makes me want to surpass all expectations and be perfect.

Funny, I noticed that when I was with him, I was so comfortable, the words didn't stutter out, and my mouth wasn't dry when talking to him as it usually is when I'm with people I like a lot. When he left, that's when the nerves would kick in. I liked how I felt when I was with him.
But I don't expect much to last for long. I'm done fooling myself that what I want will come true.

When I think like that, I breathe.

I still have so much to learn about me and about life. If this works out then I'll be happy. If it doesn't work out, I'll still go on, wiser.

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Give it up do as I say, give it up and let me have my way.
Give yourself to me.

(poem by Pablo Neruda, last two lines by Madonna)

I'm not too vocal about the current situation, and am trying desperatly to keep a positive out look and to always keep hope, but I thought this was too funny.

Happy Friday

I think I'm going to fashion something similar to her tiara thing. And I need a cute dog. It's a wonderful day today. Everything is all good. It's Friday!

wa Wa, wa Wa-wa.

Hypersensitive would be an understatement. Or maybe more accurate would be extremely stressed (and trying really hard to just be cool and function as normal). Fuck, Fuck, Fuck. Fuck, Fuck, Fuckety Fuck.
My friends have all decided to cut each other’s throats. I have to pass a test on Monday if I want a shot at a semi decent grade in my biochemistry class. I need to let a “someone” know that I’m just not feeling it, and we need to just be friends. The one, in whom I’m interested, and I have skidded to a stand still. I want to push us on again, but he’s acting like he’s wanting to get out of it… or I just may be hypersensitive. Maybe what I should just do is let him tell the other what he might tell me and I can just avoid it all.
Maybe the only bright spot this weekend is that I get to babysit my niece and nephew. They are so sweet. And I’m really looking forward to just spending time with them.

I’m always an optimists (except when it comes to relationships. But right now the positive energy has gone off to fuck itself. I want to be upset and mad right now. I want to be depressed and indignant. I want to beat the living hell out of something. I want to drive my car really fast for a very long time. I want to cry and pout.
But doing any of those just isn’t me. I deal with my pain, anger, depression by either going jogging or calling my mom. I just don’t have time to be upset. Life is too short. So I guess after I write this and scare away what two or three readers I may attract on a bi monthly basis, I’ll feel better (if I haven’t bored them away as of yet). I tell ya, this blog has been rather boring, and I just am at a loss at what to do to spice it up. I know that it’s all about me, and what I want to write, but even I’m bored of it.
I wish I had clever things to say about life like the other bolgs that I read. I wish I had the time to search out beautiful boys and put them here. I love ohlalaparis.com. I leave that to them. And they put stuff on about Madonna every one in awhile. They were the first blog I ever visited.

Story:
I was bored at work and so I went surfing for Madonna pictures. A google image search. I saw one of Lourdes, Madonna and the Versace lady. And it took me to ohlalaparis. I’ve been a fan ever since. So I go through their blog mates and then eventually end up on tlc’s page. I really liked and identified with what he said. The phrase that won me over was “The memories of my childhood and adolescence are now so far removed from whom and where I am now, they have become more than just an arm length away. You see, I can’t reach back and hold on to them like I used to.” That explained how I was feeling at that particular time. So I’ve been a fan since. I think my ideal blog would be a hybrid of those two.

There I feel much better already.

y aconteció

I guess we can’t keep pretending nothing ever happened.
So the drapes must be fully pulled from the windows.
There’s no sense in holding up the pretenses if they’ve been breeched.

We thought we were in love and would run away together.
Slip away in the dark and become one.
You’d leave yours and I’d leave mine.

Leaving our lives and starting anew,
Didn’t seem like the right thing on the morrow.
So we went back to our lives content.

A once stained history we’ve shared since.
Rational said it was over, we’ve moved on, no need to revisit.
But someone went looking under the rug.

I’m not sorry for what we shared. I don’t regret,
But growth since then demands that consequences are resolved.
I won’t run, I know that I must ask forgiveness.

Freedom, hear me

I'm not a political person, but when I was driving away from the polls this morning, I felt a great feeling of accomplishment. My voice will be heard.

hehe

musing, again

How can I capture our story with just words?
The memories of yesterday press at my neurons.
What does a moment know of our future?
The sky has closed your eyes.


¿Como puedo capturar nuestra historia en tan solo palabras?
Las memorias de un ayer me apretan los neurones.
¿Que sabe de nuestro porvenir un momento?
El cielo ha cerrado tus ojos.