Talking of Things, of Cabbages and Kings

Something weird is going on. I'm not sure what to do, but what's funny is that I feel I don't need to know. I have found many things wrong with him. He is too this and too that, and not enough here and there. But I find myself still, with him. Into his eyes myself is carried. The looks he gives me. I feel things are just falling into place. I feel like I know him. I feel like the person who he is overrides any physical short comings or any annoying mannerisms he may have. Could I be maturing and falling for a guy rather than falling for his teeth or car or quick wit? It is still much too early to tell. The fruit basket could be turned over tomorrow, and everything could become a large muddle. But for now I find I'm content to let things happen, I'm content to not know where we are going or not going.

I bought a new shower curtain today. The old one hung in there well, but was getting as all shower curtains get. And it was time for a change. The new one has some of my favorite colors in it, a small array of blues. They make me happy to see them.

C once told me, after I had just finished a spiel about how I was done playing social coordinator and just going to concentrate on enriching my life without staying socially abreast, that he hoped I would still talk to people so we could get invited to parties. That comment made me realize that talking to new people and making friends, whether they become just acquaintances, friends for a day, week, month, year, or life, is just part of me. That is what I do. I am very generous with my friendship. CC has thanked me many times for being his friend and for taking him under my wing and including him. I told him that it just seemed natural, and that is what friends do.
That is what friends do, they make small sacrifices with out expecting anything in return (unless you borrow a 20 from me bitch... ;) and they give, and they take. I find that the relationships that last and are most dear to me are the ones that I feel I am in a constant receiving state. I try to give back as best I know how and as much as I can, but I still feel the debtor. I feel for any act of kindness I may give or show, I receive 10 fold in return. I feel that they will never turn on me, that they will never betray my trust, that they will stand by me in all things. I feel that I can trust my life with them.
And we may call each other friend, but actions speak louder than words and their actions have spoken. They are very few and very far between, but I know them and they know me.

Tal Vez El Puede Vivir Sin Aire Tambien

Hoy yo estaba jugando en la red, y deambulé por un sitio que me fascinó bastante. La dirección es flipflop (dot) typepad (dot) com. Leí un poco del sitio y este hombre me pareció como fuera hecho de ficción. El tiene un carácter muy pensativo y su sabiduría salpica por palabras e ideas muy breves. El ofrece una ventana muy chiquita a su interior. Pero al ver a él, parece como modelo de A&F. ¿Podría existir alguien tan perfecto? Pensé que fuera un hombre o mujer que inventó a esta personaje para ser el imagen de lo que quisiera ser. Tal vez hay alguien en este mundo que está jugando ser un dios, y me fascinó. Si este hombre es real o una ilusión, no me importa realmente, me entretiene, y esto es solo lo que pido.

And I Breathe

25 years old now. By this age I thought that I would be married with at least one child. I guess I always assumed I'd still be in school since I was planning to head to a medical school after graduation, but now it's a pharmacy school. I think other than the marraige part, I'm on track.

I'm happy with where I am in life. I have great friends, my family is wonderful, and right now my need to be loved by another is muted by the communication with One in Chicago. I am in a secure, relatively easy job which works with my school schedule. I'm slowly attaining my goals mentally, physically, and (ever-so-slowly) spiritually.

I find also that I care for people deeper than I thought I did. I have had to allow some friends to go because I realize that when everything is said and done at the end of the day, they bring me down. I don't want to hurt, I don't want someone who I care for to hurt me. I feel my heart ache for things to be good between us, but I simply don't want to set myself up to be knocked down again.

This weekend will be very low-key for me. Of course there will be partys and BBQs, but I have avoided most of them and I will be content to lay low. The storm of school and work begins Tuesday. It's been since high school that I've taken physics. I'm worried and I will need to dedicate much time to that study.

I haven't had much to say lately. I feel like my insight on life has burned out, and I'm fumbling along in the dark and only when I stub my toe on something, or have my face slapped do I realize anything.
But I feel that I'm slowly waking up. I feel that things are going to get better. Call it a hunch.

1/4 of a Century

There is no better way to begin my 25th year than surrounded by the people I love and love me. I know first hand that the best things in life really are free.

oh nightlark, lay your head on my pillow (but let me put a case on it first)

I think tonight was one of the more enchanted evenings I have had in a long time. Thank you muchly again C.
I was treated to a wonderful dinner for my birthday at a Hawaiian restaurant. The conversation was relaxed and truthful. I love how we bat around ideas, toy with concepts, try and solve the world's problems, define that which we really don't understand, and in the end reach no real conclusions yet comprehend the world and ourselves a little bit better.
Last night was also spent in wonderful company, and dancing never felt so good. I was lost in the glee of friendship and swam in a sea of witty banter and laughter.
I helped my little sister move into her new house this morning while letting those who crashed at my house finish sleeping off the effects of drinking. I'm happy she's in town now. It will give me an opportunity to get to know her better and share in her life a bit more.
My brain is full of thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. I am really beginning to like Chicago Boy. I am falling for his words. I still have no expectations or intentions with him. I'm just enjoying the correspondence. Another's perspective is always appreciated.
I know that love should be effortless hard work. I hope things will fall into place as I guide them in.
Something that stuck on my mind from pillow talk was genuine people, also how much I've learned about myself in the past 6 months.

Sometimes I'd Trade Love for Fame

hal sparks was out at a local bar this evening performing for a charity, the Wildhorse Ranch Rescue, Inc. I didn't get to see him perfom, but I did shake his hand. He is short and adorable.

Dear Murphy,

Why is it that whenever I wear my button fly jeans, it happens to also be the same day I have to urinate every 45 minutes?

Hollywood

Sometimes I feel a shade whiter than pale. Sometimes I feel I'm a mere stumbling block in the path for others. Sometimes I feel that if I weren't so loud, I'd be forgotten. Sometimes I feel that I'm not liked for me. Sometimes I don't want to meet new people for fear that they'll see I really am just 2nd best and they'll leave dissapointed. Sometimes I get like this. Always around my birthday I get like this. Which is why I usually leave town.

What would everyone think if I told them my birthday was really April 24th and since we missed it, let's just forget it and try again next year?

Can I cancel my birthday? Better yet, I will just convince myself that nothing special for me is coming up. It's just another day.

Fuck I hate birthdays.

Why do you drink Red Bull?

1) It goes well with vodka.
2) Provides an energy boost.
3) It goes will with vodka.
4) Give you wings so you can fly.
5) It goes well with vodka.
6) For the flavor.
7) On those late weekend nights when you're exhausted, it goes well with vodka.

What I feel for you has created a monster.
I don't understand these rules of love.

I try and be still when you're around.
I try and not shake in my boots when you're around.

My need to be near you leaves me bewildered.
I guess I am understanding that I don't know how to release you.

My soul still burns for your heat.
When you're here I understand life.

I can't be with you, I know.
I can never be with you.

I don't know how to let you go.

I still think it was best said

When I said we were nothing but a fantasy. Maybe some reality is mixed up in all of it. But we weren't supposed to happen. We were supposed to remain separate. We were supposed to remain a figment of my imagination. So I place you back into my thoughts, allowing the physical to die with yesterday.

I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light. He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be soon and he's gotta be larger than life.

Thanks for listening C. ;0)

Can't you see the downtown lights?

Preface: Today I have had around 18 million thought running through my head, give or take 1000 or so. You know how this is. So rather than try and formulate them into something organized, I decided to let chaos prevail in this case. So I may not make any sense, I may seem irrational, I may even come across as clever... haha riiight.

Are you vulnerable? It takes much to unknowingly walk into your life and ask you to love me as I tell you I will give love back. Who can see the future? I sometimes like to think that I can but my tears blur the vision. It's might just be a prolongation of deceit. Don't make me wait for long because I cannot remain here forever. Maybe a star will fall, maybe the sun will not go down. I feel you take me and all I am for granted. Luck will not play with you much longer. If you care for me, be there for me.

You only get one chance. Or another if I deem necessary. But this is the only life you will have. You choose how you will spend it. Will I be apart of those clear mornings and stormy nights? I'm here with my raincoat and umbrella, I'm here with my swimtrunks and flip flops. Do I unpack or should I head on out?

I only believe half of what you say. I have tried to see things from your point of view. But it seems that my point of view is non-existent. Don't you realize that the sun doesn't revolve around you? There are other people out there. Take a deep breath. Stop playing the victim. Stop looking for reasons to be upset and hurt. It's summer time. Can we please just enjoy the break with out having to deal with all this shit you keep piling on us? I thought you wanted to simplify? You are? What the hell do you call this then?

I'm trying to find peace and resolution in just letting things go and not worrying about the details of everything. I need to not seek what I consider to be closure or having the last word. No matter how right I think I may be, I need to let things go. It just isn't worth the mess. Go your way, and I'll go mine.

Analyzing you, you, I see that you are more crazy than I. I could bring you so much pleasure. A small heat from within I want you to warm me again. I want you.

Look at you now, you have no where to go.
I could have been the one to save your soul.

Knowing when to hold close and when to let go. Knowing that people need space just as they do attention.

Astronomy Lesson

The chances of us working out are non-existent.

I want answers, you want space.
I want to call you mine, you want to lift your roots.
My love is ready to seek you.
Your love is ready to break free.

How we came to be, us, was by chance.
Two orbiting bodies in the vastness of space.

A mere chance that fate allowed.
Hum, chant, sing, talk, scream, whisper, yell, know.

For a small second our spheres shared the same time and place.
Blinking my eyes it was past, you were gone.
A fantasy based in reality wronging right for precious minutes.
I asked to not completely forget me, or I pray to forget you.

But we will continue to be, in wonderland.

Question

How healthy is it to copulate with someone you care for a great deal, but deep down you know you never will call him yours?

Why'd he have to be so damn cute?

my soul drew back

My disposition is a complex one at this time. I want to make life all that I have always wanted it to be. Usually that meant to fill it full of wonderful things and people.
But I find that now I'm seeing that I want to cut a lot of things out of my life. Things that I just don't think really make me happy. Things and people that sap my energy. I think that I have already been heading in that direction some.
I feel bad about it too.

I used to be such the guy to get the groups together. But lately I'm finding that I prefer the company of really close friends. I don't want to babysit anymore.

I'm still wondering what to do for my birthday. I think that going out will be what I do. But I'm not going to call all the people. Rather just a few people.

As my friend said, sometimes I feel like this is just a game of pick-up-stix, being played by fucking lunatics. I would be that lunatic. Am I making the right choices? What if so-and-so doesn't like me anymore? I never call anymore. But I'm tired of hearing the same old shit. Does that make me a bad person? A bad friend? I listened for as long as I could and it never seemed to change.

Why this sudden urge to simplify? I don't understand my disposition right now. I'm completely happy to go to work, do schoolwork, and go to the gym. Go out once in awhile. Am I getting older?

I guess I can only do what I think is right at the time, and try and learn when I make mistakes.

My heart continues to be a lonely hunter.

PS

I cannot date a guy seriously if he has any sort of a lisp, or if he's kinda femmy. I have lots of friends like that. I just don't want to date them. Wear make-up? Bye. Wear more than two rings on a hand? See ya. Have that high pitched voice? Don't come knocking on my door.

Okay this is all cuz I'm trying to convince myself about my resolution with C2. But I know how this will end. I'm just not attracted to him. Friends - yes. But I feel about him like I did for Curtis. It was something to take my mind off the present situation but I knew that I never was really attracted from the beginning. And I certainly couldn't ever do anything in bed with him. Eww. Just not attracted. At all. End of story. So get off your blog and go to the gym.

no fun with no guilt feeling

1) Say Goodnight and Go - Imogen Heap
2) Hear Me Out - Frou Frou
3) Blow Me Away - Breaking Benjamin
4) Ironic - Alanis Morisette
5) Hollywood - Madonna
6) Nadie Como Tu - La Oreja de Van Gogh


Nobody but you is capable of easing my pain. There's no one like you when I need to talk. There's no one I trust quite like I do you. Frozen feelings are warmed with you. You ask for forgivness when you need to, you give me your protection, you wrap me in peace. Just a look is enough to speak. Sharing memories I'll never forget.

I'm still waiting for someone to blow me away. I know I'm just not one to settle down right now. I'm not going to allow the meantime to interfere with my future. I want to lose myself in a joyous tune.

Jelly Bracelets?

So apparently there are bracelets that kids wear now days that mean sexual favors in various degrees. If I were to wear a black one, and you broke it off my wrist then that would mean you were willing to give me sex. Yellow = BJ. Wow, kids these days...

Where do they sell those bracelets?

Push the Button, Don't Push the Button, Trip the Station, Change the Channel

Just the other day I was remembering how I would feel inferior at bars, or the watering holes of some of the Phoenix fags. I would walk into a bar and thought that everybody was thinking that I was a wretched mess that wandered off the street. Now I have to laugh, I've learned that everyone is too caught up on themselves and other things they can't see clearly to even bother with thinking about me. And also quite frankly, I just don't care so much these days.

I'm over the flashing lights and painted faces. I'm over the chiseled abs and the prada shoes.

I guess you could say I have found other things in life that mean so much more to me than the acceptance of perfect strangers. Things that make me happy.

And I don't try and make everyone happy anymore. I'm happier that way. I'm still in the process of hanging my social cooridnator hat up, but I don't wear it so much anymore at all. I'm done calling everyone to invite out. I have plans and I'm content to just carry it out with the people with whom I make the initial plans. I just don't feel like I need to invite everyone I know to come. I've noticed that the people that I seemed to always invite along I don't hear from so much anymore. I guess they waited for me to plan. I'm not upset or spiteful. They would be more than welcome to come along, I'm just over the guest list thing.

This whole thought process has spawned from birthday celebration thoughts. I don't know what I'm going to do. But I've never been one to sit around and wait for someone to plan it for me. Mom did that when I was seven. I'm turning 25. I can plan my own celebration, and just because someone didn't plan it for me or do a surprise something or other means nothing to me. I'm sure I'll come up with something and let people know about it.

And the more I think about it, the more I am content to not do a huge thing, but small. Just go out with a couple friends to a bar and enjoy the night in good company. I think dinner at My Florist sounds nice. But that will be small. I just don't want to deal with the huge crowd. Maybe lunch on Sunday, but I want the piano player there... hmmmm

I guess I had always thought I would ring in the 25th year with a bang. But I find I'm content to just enjoy a simpler atmosphere, yet deeper in meaning. Quality over quantity. Maybe that's a sign of me growing up.

Who's that (boy)? Definitely a Beautiful Stranger

to (see) you is to love you...

Haven't we met?

You could be good for me, I have a taste for danger...

Why I love to Appreciate Male Beauty... And I Love to Touch Pretty Things...

..

.if I'm smart then I'll run away, but I'm not so I guess I'll stay.

.Da-da-da-dum da-dum da-dum da da da-da dum.

.I've paid for you with tears, and swallowed all my pride.

.You're the devil in disguise.

..

..

Why I Want to be on the French Rugby Team...

..

..

Another Reason to envy Alanis Morisette...

The first time ever I really wanted to be a pair of pajama bottoms.

On his knees.

"That" cover. I'm sure we all bought the issue. I did.

soooo....

My car has to spend the night. I tried to watch a movie, but I my mind loses interest rather quickly. I invited C over for pizza and a movie. I thought about inviting C2 but vetoed. I still need time. So I will busy myself.....

This is a picture of my grandma, uncle and mother, straight from the 1960s.

Sick Day

Only I'm not sick. My car is. It's in the shop now getting all better. In the meantime I'm thinking of all this stuff I can do... Like go lay out by the pool, wait can't do that. I need to be ready to get picked up and head to work at any time. They might call at any moment. And I can't go anywhere.
So I'm contenting myself with cleaning the house. It did need it. So in that sense it's good.
I have realized that with time I am feeling better about the boy thing. He called to just give me his new cell number. I think my mind was over-reacting and blowing things out of proportion. Time is definitely what I needed. I need more. But I don't feel so panicked. Que juego de amor.
Siento que tal vez puedo estar feliz un poco con este. Pero al mismo vez no voy a pensar en nada asi. Somos amigos y voy a pensar en el asi. Si algo desarrolla, entonces que bueno!

Under Where?

I haven't done laundry in a very long time. I blame finals. And the normal chones are fresh out. So I'm forced to move on to a small pile exotic novelties that I hardly use and I still wonder why I have them. I suppose for times like these.
The draw string low-rise briefs are really trying my patience. They ride up. They slide down. They are a bitch to try and use the restroom with. No fly, no elastic. I thought that I would just untie, do my business and then tie up. It went so much smoother in my mind. I didn't take into account that I would have a belt getting in the way, the jeans' fly isn't big enough to work in that alone, so it's essentially a full out all involved process to pee. By the time I'm done, the other urinals have been used three times and I feel like I had to re-dress myself.
But on the second trip to the bathroom I decided to just pretend there is elastic. It worked fine, or as well as it could with out actually having elastic.

And now I think, what possessed me to purchase those over a pair of normal underwear?

I figured it out.

I now know why I'm dragging my feet. The magic isn't there. I do feel an attraction, but birds don't chirp when he's around and bells don't ring. I don't feel that for anyone right now. At all.

But now this is where I falter in my judgement. Do I wait around and see if things change? Will I be leading him on if I do that? He knows that I'm not ready to settle down. I just don't want to be in constant contact with him right now. I need a few days off.

I need a few days off, again, from all people. And I think that the trip to Prescott may be just what I need. I think that I will definitely go. And if my mother wants me to go to the full three hours of church I'll do it. I'll just bring my ipod. ;-) C, you can come and go as you please.
The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of isolation from my life here in Phoenix. Just a few days off... nice.

But I want a resolution. I need a resolution.

Right now I'm tired and my brain hurts from this. So I'm going to just let things happen. If I don't feel it, I don't feel it. If I do, then I do.

It is what it is. Come what may.

Rapture

my velvet porcelain boy devour me as I devour you. the sea moves me where you want. fill my eyes with delicious fire. brush me close to dream the center I find in you. sweet whispers whet my soul blue and soft. needs to sting my fever drift in gentle hurricane lines. moist passion flys me at your feet. candy sweat dries on my hunger. crush my green fixation in the swirls tainted by raw shiver. nerves sprung scraping in blind lusciousness. a sacred poison is wild honey.

Take a Bow

I'm happy. I ran out of my last final throwing papers in the air, screaming that it was all finally over! (okay, not really). And I get to spend my first free night in the embrace of happy eyes, perfume smiles, and inebriated banter. Good times.

My Team

Sometimes I think having a naked mole rat sidekick that could understand English and speak some too is just what I need. And throw in that he knows karate and is just damn cute. How cool would that be?

Focus

Small Talk With Myself

Up is a place I no longer allow my hopes to be.

I've been on this rollercoaster long enough to know that the highs make the lows worth it all.
But I don't want to feel anything right now. I'm happy just being on the plateau in the middle.

I've felt rather invisible for weeks now. I'm realizing that I don't mind it. I am very safe to assume that all interests and gazes fall past me. "Maybe it's time for me to pack it in, maybe it's time for me to track it in." I was accepting of it all.

And then someone had to come along that I was sure would be like the others (after a few sentences from my mouth I would lose color, then outline, then my voice would be a static in the background). But I'm confused. This person still seems to be around. It's only been two days. But that's one day, 23 hours, and 45 minutes longer than most people look in my direction, let alone pay attention.

I'm not trying to be pitiful. I don't want that. I understand fully that this is just how things are. I am simply not a lot of people's cup of tea. That's life!

So content was I to just concentrait on my school work and spend time with friends. I don't need an interest. I still smile to myself thinking that he could feel anything, for me. C says he does. But C, I still can't help but think this is just another one who sees through me to get to you. Or he's only been in town for a few days. Friends are what he needs here. I'm his friend. I play the part of the friend so well. I don't want to take on any new roles now. I just want school to end and pass all my classes. I want to visit my family next weekend. I want to go to summer school and go to the gym. I want to work overtime. I like my invisible existence.

But I'm not worried. "I don't expect my love affairs to last for long. Never fool myself that my dreams will come true." So this too shall pass.

But between me and the internet, I think about him from time to time. I wonder what he's doing. I like to think that I'm in a queue for a few thoughts if his. I tell myself he's not my style. But every now and then I catch him out of the corner of my eye and think what an attractive man he is. My heart feels warm when I think about him now and again. Despite my judgement, I have wanted to kiss him twice. But I don't. I don't want him thinking I might could like him. I don't want to deal with that right now. Imogen, Andy and I have kept company well enough lately. I hope he calls me.

I've never hesitated before. He's univited.

Another Day, I think I'll die then...

Wow. Looking back with the perspective that only hindsight can give, I see that I was in a pit of tense agitation. I knew I was stressed, but didn't realize just how much until today, now that I am feeling relaxed and more myself again.

And I like it. I like to feel like me. I'm happy again. Like a soft shower of rain washed away my sorrow, took away my pain.

I also see how the friends reacted. They knew something was up. And I thank them for that. Love is understanding. They love me for me.

I feel like I have so much more to say, but the words aren't forming.

Your heart is not open, so I must go

Freedom comes when you learn to let go.
Creation comes when you learn to say no.

You were my lesson I had to learn.
I was your fortress you had to burn.

Pain is a warning that something's wrong.
I pray to God that it won't be long.

There's nothing left to lose,
There's no more heart to bruise.

Your heart is not open, so I must go.
The spell has been broken.
I loved you so.

Sometimes my Spirit just breaks

Just fade away.
Let me be a memory on a page inside a spiral notebook,
taken for granted.

Right now I'm tired of being positive and up-beat.
Lonliness has never been a stranger. I am cursed to be long, lost friends. I give up. I really do. I just accept the fact. The fact that is the elephant in the room I have been stairing at but never mention.

I honestly think that when people talk to me, they lose interest, in me.

Just Forget it. I have forgotten it. Just like it never knew me.

Love has never tried to welcome me.

How do I do normal?
I carry cue cards and super glue.
I'm a wreck with words
I don't carry glass eggs or crystal hearts.

I sit in my lawn chair,
but the sun never sets.
I am just holding breath.
Can't you tell I'm not myself?

I try to hear out but I'm not ready yet.
I'm a slow-motion existence.
Just hear me out.
Is that your final answer?


...................................................................................
Say goodnight and go.
Beats skipped, and blurry daydreams.
I carry the cafe in my bag.
Why are you so damn cute?

TV broadcasts series of moments.
We'll have drinks talk of things,
any excuse to stay awake with you.
Sort quick your beautiful eyes again.

You're so spot on.
You breathe the thoughts I think.
Beach balls sprouting on the street.
This can't be happening.

I ride a wave from all the waiting.
My circus marches circles advancingly.
Lucky to know you right now.
I can't help but reach for your arms.

my recent purchases

On Saturday I bought some full blown 100% boxer shorts. It has been years since I have worn anything thing like them. I am not used to all the freedom and well, stimulation. And I am now remembering that they don't hide anything either. So now my trips to the bathroom and water fountain are full of fun-filled surprises... for me and everybody I pass...

I also just purchased Frou Frou's CD called Details. And I think I love it.

Homesick

For the first time since August 8, 2001, I am really missing Guatemala. After all, I did spend two years of my life there. And once you love something, do you ever really let it go? Or does it really ever let you go? I think my return trip may be sooner than I thought.

Sadly, this quote reminded me of Phoenix

"Well, it looks all right, but I don't like going into a club and seeing, just people...facades and fakes. Trying to be this and they all look the same, and they've all got fantastic bodies, and it's very boring. And you know, the bookshops are like completely empty, there's nobody walking around, they're all in the pubs getting kind of, doing their surfacing and checking each other out. I don't really like it."

-Imogen Heap


I find that I would much rather have a conversation than pick apart an appearance. I've never been very good at standing and posing. I've tried it. I don't think it's for me. I used to feel intimidated by all the pretty people, and wanted desperatly to be one of them. Then ever so slowly I have begun to realize that I love flesh and bone so much more than plastic.

The beginnings of a thought

I am learning. People change. I change. I have been thinking about relationships. I have been thinking about the people involved in them. We all are constantly becoming someone new. We are evolving. How can we expect a relationship to remain the same when the people involved are changing?
I have thought that we need to enjoy our relationships in the moments we are given. And when we see that a friend is moving on, or changing, that we need to evolve our relationship with them to accomodate the new feelings.
And I like this thought. People aren't static. Sometimes they aren't permanent in our lives either. They come into our lives to teach us what we need to learn from them, and they move on, or we do.
People and relationships changing should be encouraged. I like to think that I am someone different from just a few months ago. The change may not be huge, or even noticeable by anyone but me.
When one is changing and another isn't ready to move on in the relationship, then maybe that's how people come and go in our lives.
And of course, relationships require that the people involved work at keeping together.

if he only knew

So I get an email in which he says "I believe love has no boundaries, that's why. Yes the distance is bad, but I have seen it work, BUT I am really getting ahead of myself, so I don't want to scare you."

How funny is it that I was pricing plane tickets to Chicago just this morning?

so many thoughts

So when you find someone that you seem to really like, and yet you don't let yourself really ever like them. It just makes sense that it will never happen, so why even put forth the energy? Especially when 1500 miles are involved. That's a no-brainer.

I met a friend for brunch this morning. The weather was warm, yet cool in the shade. The sky was a friendly blue with wisps of white clouds. The hills on the horizon were beautiful despite the brown. Living in the desert can be wonderful at times.
The energy in the cafe was lively. It seemed to make even biochemistry somewhat interesting. I watched the people through biochemistry text until I saw a familiar outline in line. They didn't have pancakes. They are always out of pancakes. But the quiche was really good.
But the conversation was beautiful. We let words weave tapestries that mused of the good times we shared. We colored on a canvas of memory, and speculated with sound.
I feel so good around her. She believes in me. I never feel I have anything to prove or am being compared to others. Friendship is unique between every individual. It is impossible to feel a friendship for one person and feel the exact same for another. There are so many differences in my relations with others.
I ask about her life. She tells me all is good. I know there is a hard shell that conceals much. But I know it is not my place to get under. I know that I must be allowed in. I have seen glimpses and pieces of what lies beneath. A soul as infinite as the distance starlight travels.

So did you tell them? How do you feel? How did they react? Did you or didn't you? Gosh I wish you the best. But they are his parents and he said that they would still love him. I don't see them as getting the least upset. But I only know them through few pictures and some words. He always speaks so highly of them. I just want to hear your story when you want to tell me. But if you don't tell me, like tomorrow if you did or not, I'll call. ;)

I still think that it would be impossible for us to work out. But I am allowing myself to just live in a world of fantasy for now. Right now we will live happily ever after.