So I’ve been musing what I could write about today. I’m enjoying this space I have to jot down whatever little thoughts might make their way into my head and want to be released.
I’ve been thinking of getting my own place. Yup, getting rid of the roommate situation. I’ve really wanting that for sometime now. And I think that the time is nearing. But there are a few things I need to make sure will happen before I do that. I need to see if my mom is ready to sell me her old furniture, or if g’ma will be wanting to sell me hers. They are both ready to buy new furniture and have told me they’d sell me theirs for really cheap. So I’m thinking I might instigate this reaction. I would LOVE to have my own space. But I might get lonely, but loniness is something I really need to become familiar with. I need to be alone for a time. No boys, no roommates, no distractions. I need to focus on me for a time. “Yes, I’m ready to jump!”

Also today An Imogen Heap song jumped out at me, grabbed me and shook me up. It was saying exactly what I was looking for in a song. I like the music I listen to to describe how I’m feeling, it’s something I’ve always done. I think everyone does that. But it’s called “The Walk.” It discusses about how she isn’t in a place to like someone, yet she’s feeling like for someone. That’s me. The Sunday date was a lot of fun, and I know that I could like him too much, and get stuck in the same cycle all over again. No thank you. So I am just going to continue walking without him. I’ll keep his number for a rainy day as the song goes. But other than that I am not going to let myself even fall the least for him. Like I want to call him tonight and see how he’s doing, but I’m not going to. If he wants to talk, then he can call me.

sometimes my thoughts come out differently

Paul wasn’t aware that he was being watched. He meticulously diced the tomatoes deep in his thoughts. The bright kitchen lights were illuminating everything, everything except what workings his neurons produced deep inside his head. Eric watched the dust settle in Paul’s heavy eyes. The small fire crackled producing extra warmth in their comfortable apartment on this cold Manhattan night. He had known for about a month now that Paul was drifting away. Had he met someone new? What was going on?
Eric had tread very lightly lately, not asking too many questions and allowing Paul his space; his heart slowly losing feeling, preparing itself for the inevitable.
Paul looked up, met Eric’s eyes, and smiled weakly; embarrassed he had been caught. Eric lowered his eyes embarrassed he too had been caught.
The night ensued mostly in silence, exchanging only a few pleasantries.

The following morning was Sunday and they usually attended a small church service followed by brunch at a café just across the street. Much to Eric’s surprise, Paul got ready just as he had most of the Sundays since they moved in together four years prior. Their six year anniversary was nearing. Eric wondered if they would make it to that mark. He would keep the apartment; Paul always talked about wanting to get out of the city, off the east coast altogether. He had friends in Phoenix that they would go visit in the winter to get out of the cold for a few days. Eric suspected that that is where Paul will go.

After brunch Paul opened the newspaper and settled in the big chair by the bay window and Eric began to pick up around the apartment and wrote a few letters to some friends with whom he had needed to get caught up. He bored them with news of his job, and the slow renovations he and Paul had been making in the apartment. “Do you want to walk to mail these with me?” he asked Paul. To his surprise again that day, Paul conceded.

The air was chilly, but the sun was out and when in the sun warmth could be detected. They walked in the usual silence and dropped the letters off. Eric turned to go home when Paul grabbed his hand, “Eric,” he said. “I know I’ve been distant lately and very unfair to you, and I know that you are giving me space, and I thank you for that.” Eric was bewildered. This was the longest sentence Paul had said to him in weeks, and addressing what was thick in the air at that. “Eric, I do love you. I’ve been doubting about if this is the right thing, if we belong together. But last night when I saw you looking at me, I realized that I’ve been far away from you and you knew it. And I’ve been lonely with you right there, always ready to give me what I need. And I realized that that’s what’s been missing in my life; you’ve been missing from my life because I’ve pushed you away, not wanting to accept the fact that I am human and that I need you, I need what you give me. I need your love, your smile, your touch, your laugh, your tears. They… you are a part of me now. And I’ve realized that, I’ve accepted that, and I love that I love you and need you.”

the hunter and the hunted

We've all been on both ends of it. Admit it. We've been hurt and we've hurt. But no matter how many times I may have been in either position, it never seems to get much easier.

Shall we just say I'm nursing my wounds right now. But I finally understand that I need to be alone, single, date me for a time. I don't know how one individual can have such a string of unsuccessful relationships as I have. Is it my luck? Is it me?

But I'm really not trying to pin-point what is wrong. Instead I'm taking a step back. There is obviously something with me that needs improvement.
And I'm starting with the thing I know will be the most difficult for me: Solitude.

I'm hoping that in this time I will be able to focus on me and learn to really be happy with who I am. I'm tired of falling all over a guy the minute he shows some affection in my path.
Also I fear I have been living a selfish existence, and so I need to correct those two things.

So I have two very simple goals. The first is to live in Gratitude each day. It's not mine for the taking, it's mine as a gift.
And I am going to focus on myself. I went on a date with a wonderful guy yesterday. I've been admiring him for sometime now, but I had a talk with myself last night, and I know that this will end up no different if I go about it the same way. I'm prepared that this may never happen because right now I'm not in the position to try and date. I jump from date to date, man to man.

I choose these two because I feel they balance each other. I could get very egocentric fast, which is why I need to keep a thankful, and humble heart. And work at keeping it.

And then I ask what about me? I'm getting lost in my pursuit of acceptance by another.

This will be something very hard for me. I'm not good at being alone. I get insecure fast. I feel like the world is turning without me. I feel forgotten. But I'll just have to learn how. There are many things about me that I don't know, and it's time I spent some time with myself, to learn to like and love me, before I can have the foundation to give love to another.

No U-turns, and the daffodils look lovely today

I think it’s finally beginning to click. So much doesn’t add up, because I’m using imaginary numbers. I realized that I was looking for something more where it doesn’t exist.

Three songs in a row came on my ipod… kinda freaky but it just seemed to finally push that lever to the “realize” position in my head…

“Bye Bye Baby”
“Power of Goodbye”
“Has to Be”

“I keep on waiting anticipating, but I can’t wait forever. You say you (like) me, you’re thinking of me, but we’re never together.”

“Your heart is not open, so I must go. The spell has been broken, I loved you so. You were my lesson I had to learn, I was your fortress you had to burn.”

“I know there’s someone out there, waiting for me. There must be someone out there, there just has to be.”

I deserve better than what I’m receiving. He has said just friends+, but I guess I was focusing on the + portion of it. Well, I’ve graduated from that different kind of school. I’m moving on. I’ve been hoping that he’d come around, but nope. No luck for that. So I move on.

But I’m not going to do any “break-up” anything. I’m just going to drift away. Maybe there will be something in the future, maybe not. But I move on.

“I always wished that I could find someone as beautiful as you, but in the process I forgot that I was special too. I always wished that I could find someone as talented as you, but in the process if forgot that I am just as good as you.”

Thinking straight

My mind kicks into overdrive to reason craziness. I don’t like it. I don’t like having to fight myself.
I don’t like being clingy-obsessive.
I don’t like needing you here now. I want you to have your space and time to breathe and think.
I wish I wanted that too.
I wish I didn’t think you were lying. I know you’re telling me the truth I need to hear.
Why do I doubt you? I doubt everyone I’m interested in.
No matter who,
I doubt you tell me the truth.
I try not to lie and I don’t. Truth is all I try to say.

I’ve got it bad for you. What’s best for me is to be alone for a time and learn silence, internally.

---------------------------------------------

Bury my heart in my controlling mind. Mindset of single and ever more. Focus on school. Sorrow is ever a guest in my soul. You only meant well. It’s all for the best, but you decided that on your own.

closing in

I'm feeling closer to that breaking point. When I need to just start living the way my life is in my head. I am learning each day to let things be.

It is what it is.

I am trying really hard to not define things with S and I and I am slowly understanding that he probably is kinda scared to date someone like me. He needs space and understanding. I can give both because I'm learning to give both at the same time.

But I know that I do like him. And I do hope we continue as we are.

Seriously

It really is an incredible album. Even my hip-hop homie likes 4 of the 12 songs. So there is something for everyone.

Confessions on a Dancefloor is incredible... my favorite songs are "Sorry" and "Jump." They are beyond what I was hoping for.

you push me

So have you ever had a thought in the back of your head, and you think about it, and then send it back to the back of your mind? And then it comes back and you entertain it again, and then send it back to where it was? And then it comes back again and you muse over it for a time, and return it? And then there comes a time when you try and figure out what next step you need to take, and like a bat out of hell that thought smacks you in the head? Yeah, me too.

I'M BACK!!!

That's right bitches, I'm back! I have been in dowdyville long enough. I am too great a person to worry about if some indecisive person likes me or not. Tonight I have the strength to take my life off the waiting list and do my own thing.

(He is still a friend+, but I guess it finally clicked that essentially all we are, are friends. So me moping for him will get me nowhere. Maybe with time we'll be more, but until then I have a life I need to live).

And live I will.

I have my friends that I need to keep in touch with, there are new boys out there who will like me and who I will like in return. I forget at times that S wasn't the beginning and he certainly isn't the end. I do like him, but I was losing myself. That is where my unhappiness comes from.

"I'd take two if I was you."

I looked in the mirror this morning. Though it was only for a few seconds, the image remained in my mind's eye. I realized that I looked and felt about what I saw as I do a stranger.

some background on the subject: I have never been a fan of what the mirror has reflected when I peer in. And there are even times that people are talking to me and in the back of my mind I feel bad for them because I know what visage they are having to endure. This isn't healthy.

I mused while frantically getting ready that I might need to start staring in the mirror and learning to like what I see. This goes back to that whole confidence thing. I need to get there. But I do wish at times I could trade this one in for something custom made. It's funny but I've always felt that my body isn't me. It's just a form that I've taken on, but I'm something totally different.

Well, I have my goals physically, and I'm the only one standing in my way.

learning each day to be freinds...

So I may have defined S as a filler. Something that my life lacked that I should is some way be able to provide for myself, but am incapable of doing so.

I changed my mind.

We talked today. We got on the same page. We are not boyfriends. We are not just freinds. He told me that right now all he can give is some vague more than friendship, but not much more than friendship.
He explained his life. I know what he is going through, or I can appreciate it. He's starting over and though he would never say scared, he is scared out of his mind. Uncertainty is a constant companion each day in his life. He's trying to be brave but it's draining him.

All I ask is that he is honest with me. I don't think that he isn't. I realized today that I am willing to slow things down. I might just be able to learn how to be slow, and to like and possibly love someone (one day), and not get jealous and worry that I am being kept around only to be hurt.

I realized that it's not all about me.
He is going through enough. I know that I want to be there to help but all he can handle is a meager, undefined "friends..." The ellipses meaning "and a little more."
I feel like I won today. I won a battle that has been raging within my soul for years now. How if something doesn't fit the mold I have created in my mind, then it's not good enough and must be cast out. I bended to something new. Accepting that we will just be friends... For a time. We may become more, we may not. I might find someone, he might too. But for the time being, this is what we have. I need to learn to freaking chill out. And this will help me to do that. If I see him out at a party or at a bar and we hadn't contacted each other, or he didn't tell me then I will accept that. After all, we are only friends.... Yes lots of questions are forming in my mind, what if I see him with another boy, what if I hear that he is dating someone else? I guess I would have to remember what he and I share, and I will have to talk with him.

Communication is key. As long as we keep open and honest communication then I don't worry. I trust him.

He was sweet in asking if I'm already into him, then am I capable of just backing off to just friends.... I had to hear it from his mouth. He didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know, but just hearing it from his mouth. That made the difference for me. I know that, though it will take work on my part, I know that friends... will work for me.

Where is it going to go? What will happen in four days, weeks, or months? I don't know. But then do you ever really know what is going to happen even with a spoken vow?
We trust each day that fate will allow us one more breath, one more smile, one more kiss.

I'm learning to just let things be. It is what it is. Let it will be.

Time Out

I am heading out to visit the family. This has been a crazy, tumultuous week. I feel like I just need a time to clear my head and straighten out my heart.

This guy is hot. I thought I'd leave a delightful something. And I love Madonna and her new album is AMAZING!!!

still getting there

More and more each day, I have realized that S was just filling a hole in my life. I don’t have any particular affinity for him. He was nice and cute. He was fun to talk to. But I can’t deny that things began to go in a sour direction. There was a loss of magic in the air when we were together. I recognized all this, I just didn’t want to open up the space again.
Maybe he felt that. I don’t know what happened. We just moved on in separate directions.

Today was fine until I got into work. I just didn’t have the energy levels to deal with the energy sucking atmosphere that work was today. There were a few times that I wanted to just walk out and leave. Not tell anyone where I was going because I didn’t know myself. But leaving was what I wanted to do.

I’m going home to my parent’s house tomorrow. I think a break in the cycle of my life is what I need. Badly.

But I knew that it would be hard. I’ve been weighing negative thoughts into my life for so long that trying to up-beat and positive is something that takes much energy out of me. And it’s easy to lose sight of my goal. I just want to curl up and cry today. But I’m going to just move on with my life. Things happen for a reason. In no time I’ll be fine again, no problem.

“There’s only so much you can learn in one place. The more that I wait the more time that I waste.”

Progression in the right direction

Those who run seem to have all the fun. It’s time I stop waiting and get moving… I’ve wasted enough time waiting for guys to come around.

I have been basing my self-worth on the approval and attention of others. This is making me unhappy. I need to reach and attain my goals and keep them in sight.
A lot of unhappiness has come from me waiting for someone. I plan my life around them. I lose sight of my goals and forget about myself. That only hurts me in the end.

I’m attracted to ambition and confidence. I need to obtain both. I am going to start thinking positively.

I’m going to live unapologetically. Take me or leave me. I’m not going to waste my time wondering if I’m good enough for you. I’m a great guy with a lot to offer, I can’t wait around for you to make up your mind.

Positive thinking isn’t something that comes naturally to my when I think about myself.

A wrote:
We are put into each other's lives for a reason, even if for just a short while. People change and some grow. This is inevitable, and not always do two people grow in the same direction. This doesn't mean that it's someone's fault, but it really is just a part of life. You have to keep along your own path. You need to continue to grow and learn and better yourself. Someone will come along that is walking in the same direction. I'm not sure if anything is forever. When you are searching for the "One" or Mr. Right or Mr. Perfect, you're just setting yourself for failure. There is no such thing. People and relationships aren't perfect, they'll never be. Imagine trying to be happy with just yourself, see how hard that is? Now imagine trying to keep that up and someone else's happiness. That will exhaust a man very fast. It's true though, you really need to be complete with yourself. How can you expect someone to make you happy when you can't make yourself happy? It all starts with you, only you can save yourself

Let It Be

So why am I so worried that he will never call? I have tried and tried to let him be the one to call and now I need to just do it. I have a suspition that he's just sticking around because I am making it so convenient for him.

Last night was fun. Just chilling on Mill with some friends, and then Mr. Dr. and I started texting and it was nice hearing from him. I'll admit that some feelings for him were scratched to the surface briefly and I'm still trying to let them go. Let him go.

But the boy that I'm currently interested in, I just don't think that he is interested in me, in a relationship. It's the actions. He seems to always call his friends but never seems to get a call my way. I think I need to jump from this plateau with him and move on. I've been a fool in a waiting room, hoping that he will call out my number. But it seems that my number isn't a concern of his.

"Yes I'm ready to jump." -Madonna

Scary though. But I guess I need to just move on and let life be what it is. I know that remembering myself and keeping my life in perspective is what I need.
I don't ask for much, just some recognition. I'm letting him call me, and I may never hear from him again. Am I ready for that? No. But I will never be ready for it. It's a bridge I'll have to cross when I get there.

Two different worlds. My heart feels alone, but that's why McCullers said it's a lonely hunter. Lonely definitely. I wish I were strong. I'll get strong with time.

I guess I'm setting myself up for the worst. I can't keep worrying about things. I'm trying to play it cool, and that is what I'll do.

The MD sure was fun back in our day. Despite the 20 years difference, I was the one trying to keep up with him. He had an intensity that would infiltrate my soul and I remember I couldn't sleep next to him, his mind still moving 1000 miles a second even in still slumber. But it was fun. He was fun. It was a paradox being insanely attracted to him yet knowing that it just wouldn't ever be, and being okay with that.

On Your Mark, Get Set....

confessions on a dancefloor is great. I love it. It is definitely a driving album... I need to test it out... San Diego anyone?

It's also a great high-energy album. Dancefloors, work ear-phones, gym... it's all going to get heavy rotation.