In the illusion but not of it. Write a lot and write even more to get better. This is me.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
No Joke, Jack Frost
I used to think that the holidays were a joke. But today I wonder: They are a time the world has allowed us to set aside life and be with loved ones. If we choose. We get to let go of the world, return to a simpler time, remember our traditions - what makes us a family - and celebrate ourselves, celebrate our family, be them blood, kinship, doing, making, the wrong turn made right; however, whoever, family. We get to remember years past, stories, good times, and remember that there was plenty of bad times too, but those are also what have helped us to arrive to here, now. We get to let go of the illusions and create new ones. We can laugh and cry with our love, see the joy in a child's smile and see the contentment of a beautiful life in our parents' eyes.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
turn around
I remember when I was younger, I used to think that the world was full of any possibility I wanted; anything that I set my mind to, could be mine. But over the years I have felt that feeling wane. I have felt the acceptance of myself, both a very good thing, and a very bad thing. I am not looking to change what I want to change, but just accepting it that that is the way it is. That is the way it has been and history is just going to repeat itself.
I look for that spark. I know I used to have it, and if even just the memory of it is all I have remaining, I know it once existed.
Turn this around, turn this from a losing game to a winning game. I can still do this. And only I can win it for me.
I look for that spark. I know I used to have it, and if even just the memory of it is all I have remaining, I know it once existed.
Turn this around, turn this from a losing game to a winning game. I can still do this. And only I can win it for me.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Yet still Happier
I admit I'm in LOVe with this album. It seemed to find me and hit my strings just in the right vibration. I want to do everything to it: Clean, blog, facebook, study, even play it during commercials. Okay, not quite that extreme.
Could this be the beginning of a new crush? Who knew I'd like Mika so much. I did recently, after delving into this album a little bit more, find out that he has come out as a homo. Good for him, and that takes my chances up to marry him and live happily ever after. In my head we're already living that way.
As of right now these are my top songs:
1) Overrated - Mika
2) Stardust - Mika
3) Try - P!nk
4) Somebody I used to know - Glee Cast - recent resurgence
5) Underwater - Mika
Surprisingly there is no Madonna right now in my top listens. The concert. Oh the concert. Amazing. I sang and screamed and cried and everything. I do enjoy the Madonna.
Could this be the beginning of a new crush? Who knew I'd like Mika so much. I did recently, after delving into this album a little bit more, find out that he has come out as a homo. Good for him, and that takes my chances up to marry him and live happily ever after. In my head we're already living that way.
As of right now these are my top songs:
1) Overrated - Mika
2) Stardust - Mika
3) Try - P!nk
4) Somebody I used to know - Glee Cast - recent resurgence
5) Underwater - Mika
Surprisingly there is no Madonna right now in my top listens. The concert. Oh the concert. Amazing. I sang and screamed and cried and everything. I do enjoy the Madonna.
So much left unsaid
In the end how does it turn out? I can only cater to so many egos and forget myself so much. I need to keep myself first in a sense of balance. I can't keep giving and I'm not your whore. That's right baby, Bang Bang.
It was twisting my soul to be there for you but only suffer so much before I can't go on. I won't tell you since you're a master of words and manipulation. I have no contest to win, I just leave. That's how I feel.
It was twisting my soul to be there for you but only suffer so much before I can't go on. I won't tell you since you're a master of words and manipulation. I have no contest to win, I just leave. That's how I feel.
Tuesday, October 02, 2012
For now
"You can always trim you chest hair," I said. "Some will like that look, and others will be disappointed. But at the sunset, it's you whose opinion matters."
He flashed his sapphire eyes and gleaming smile at my comment. Three years ago, six months, hell, even last night I would have been smitten with him. Blessing every last photon that transmitted his image into my being. But tonight I smiled in return, amused as if I were watching a toothpaste commercial and then debated if it would be too late to fit in an episode of White Collar before bed. I took a sip of my beer and measured the volume remaining vs. the time.
Flash back to my present scene as my friends tickle the boy's ego. He's caught some other PrettyYoungThings's attention and I steer the conversation to such, facilitate a meeting and return to my friends who are pouting that SapphireEyes is gone.
"He'll be back ladies, maybe not tonight, but you'll see him again."
And it was true. He was a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend. Yes, four friends away was our initial meeting, but thankfully we were direct acquaintances now. However FourthFriend was having a get-together of some sort and he would be there. I let my mind wander to a beach with BlueEyes on it. I was intrigued by him, but he deserves someone to chase after him who actually has a heart and is capable of emotion. My heart just pumps the blood these days. And quite frankly, that makes me happy.
He flashed his sapphire eyes and gleaming smile at my comment. Three years ago, six months, hell, even last night I would have been smitten with him. Blessing every last photon that transmitted his image into my being. But tonight I smiled in return, amused as if I were watching a toothpaste commercial and then debated if it would be too late to fit in an episode of White Collar before bed. I took a sip of my beer and measured the volume remaining vs. the time.
Flash back to my present scene as my friends tickle the boy's ego. He's caught some other PrettyYoungThings's attention and I steer the conversation to such, facilitate a meeting and return to my friends who are pouting that SapphireEyes is gone.
"He'll be back ladies, maybe not tonight, but you'll see him again."
And it was true. He was a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend. Yes, four friends away was our initial meeting, but thankfully we were direct acquaintances now. However FourthFriend was having a get-together of some sort and he would be there. I let my mind wander to a beach with BlueEyes on it. I was intrigued by him, but he deserves someone to chase after him who actually has a heart and is capable of emotion. My heart just pumps the blood these days. And quite frankly, that makes me happy.
Monday, October 01, 2012
Yesterday's newspaper.
He wasn't sure if it was a good day, or a bad day. The clouds were indecisive all day as well; letting in the sun then shutting it out as if it were a game of strategy. He wondered who would win, if it were strategy. Now the report, the insignificant report had no answers for it's ripples. It was inconsequential and yet persisted to the paramount thoughts in his head. The interview was important. It was his future. But he had answers to that. He knew the whys of the directions and the ebbing and flowing of that tide. The report was masked. It was that mask that he yearned to remove. But the answers were not his, nor were anywhere in place to obtain. Letting go the paper boat in the river. There will be others.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
no substitute
The stars were out that night
It's been awhile and I still want
I still wonder if I'll see you again.
I'd like to try to add a little light
I'd like to try and bring you flowers
A bouquet of flowers and leave them
leave them on the floor just waiting
waiting for when I may see you again.
I wonder when I will see you again.
So just like that moth I ran to your flame
But the flame wasn't burning - oh...
So just like that moth I tried to look for your flame
I wanted to find just a small one, just something
I wanted to just find something that would let me know
I wanted to know that there might be just a small flame
Burning brightly for my advent.
Burning even just faintly just so I could find you.
Nothing between us but our empty night sky
Gilded with the stars
Don't forget that you are still written in the scars on my heart.
I'm still wanting to just run to your flame, just like a moth.
It's been awhile and I still want
I still wonder if I'll see you again.
I'd like to try to add a little light
I'd like to try and bring you flowers
A bouquet of flowers and leave them
leave them on the floor just waiting
waiting for when I may see you again.
I wonder when I will see you again.
So just like that moth I ran to your flame
But the flame wasn't burning - oh...
So just like that moth I tried to look for your flame
I wanted to find just a small one, just something
I wanted to just find something that would let me know
I wanted to know that there might be just a small flame
Burning brightly for my advent.
Burning even just faintly just so I could find you.
Nothing between us but our empty night sky
Gilded with the stars
Don't forget that you are still written in the scars on my heart.
I'm still wanting to just run to your flame, just like a moth.
Thursday, September 06, 2012
SD -9: Breakdown
This morning was a nightmare. Preceded by a very nice jog/walk in Balboa Park. Sat down in my new pants and ripped the hell out of them. I was feeling fat, couldn't cool down so just sweating like a pig and everything seemed to just not be going my way. I was ready to call in sick to rotation and sit at home and cry.
Then.
Then I remembered what my mom told me about my dad:
I think one of his metatarsals needs to be shaved down or even removed, due to constant skin irritation and hence a perpetual infection - that jumping into my thoughts this morning made me feel better.
Better about myself.
Better because what is happening to him is so much more grave. And I know he's not happy about it but I'm sure he'll joke about it and have a smile - though at times I'm sure it's his base facial expression and not necessarily what he's feeling. He's moving on with life despite the troubles and dealing with them.
No, ripped pants and being overweight are not the end of the world.
If he can deal with foot surgery then I will deal with my overweight and just move on, resolve to change since I have that power and carry on.
Last night we went to Sunset Cliffs. Beautiful.
All is well, I control that aspect.
Then.
Then I remembered what my mom told me about my dad:
I think one of his metatarsals needs to be shaved down or even removed, due to constant skin irritation and hence a perpetual infection - that jumping into my thoughts this morning made me feel better.
Better about myself.
Better because what is happening to him is so much more grave. And I know he's not happy about it but I'm sure he'll joke about it and have a smile - though at times I'm sure it's his base facial expression and not necessarily what he's feeling. He's moving on with life despite the troubles and dealing with them.
No, ripped pants and being overweight are not the end of the world.
If he can deal with foot surgery then I will deal with my overweight and just move on, resolve to change since I have that power and carry on.
Last night we went to Sunset Cliffs. Beautiful.
All is well, I control that aspect.
Tuesday, September 04, 2012
SD -11 --the prozac edition--
Here I go. So may questions, so many impulses, rants, raves. I can't put my train of thoughts back in an order, on a track or even bundle them up and stick them in an ice cream truck.
Today I made an impulse decision to get back on chemicals. It was an honest trial phase and I'm tired of feeling that lump of black sadness grow in my throat. I can't avoid things I've been avoiding and I certainly am not finding comfort in food. I'm just gaining weight. I'll admit I'm at a messy crossroads. Today was when I felt that all too familiar feeling of all that depression brings. I know it well, like that all too familiar feeling of getting a paper cut. Distinct: nothing else like it in the world. And then if it's a bleeder you get the blood everywhere. Wondering where it all went. I'm in SD and I should be happy but all I do is sleep and dream away my time. I avoid projects and advancement. I avoid evolution and just find my worries at the bottom of a bowl of peanut m&ms. I've been looking for comfort from other chemicals. Let's get real, I'm trained in chemicals and I'm going about this all wrong. So to an extent I feel like I've lost. I feel like I'm the loser. But there is a freedom in finding a small bandage to help. Rant, rave, tears, lumps in throat, I just don't have it in me right now.
Moving on is the key. I don't want to sit down. I have to keep moving on.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
SD -16
I feel that I gather things from what I observe to make up myself. I'm a potpourri of my experiences, perceptions, and people in my life.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
SD -18
No, haven't been very good with this updating thing. Oh well. This is the essence of my past few days. Cat walking around. Me at the table. Trying to pretend to at least study. But I go to gym often, well, daily. Cute older guy there plus a TON of eye candy. I don't know if at all I have lost any weight, but I hope this is a platform from which to jump back to Phoenix. I feel I have developed better habits with exercise and eating. I don't want to return.
I downloaded Alanis's new album and so far it's a score with me. I love the song "Guardian." Love it. It evokes my inner, old poet that used to live on this page. That was a young Ryan light years ago.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
SD-24d
Therapy needed. Venting ahead. What's on my mind to look this gift horse in it's mouth. Things are perfect, but my mind distorts them.
Big breath.
Now, I understand that we all don't have to love and like and cherish and admire the same people, the same things. He gets it, I am still learning.
Headache at this time of night?
I breathe. True Blood is addicting. I am liking the social commentary. At least what I think it may be.
Still trying to lose weight. I was so hungry today. I don't even know if I followed a diet or not.
Today I felt the twing of wanting to return to my stuff, to return to my space. I love SD and love the weather and love the rotation and love rooming with CT. It's like there is so much amazing going on that I'm swallowed up in my own personal quest for something negative. Let it go my dear. Let it go my love. I learn to let go.
Remembering when I was young and all I want to do is be something that I cannot be, I will never allow myself to be that person. I have spent so much time and energy trying to become and arrive. But they say the journey. The journey it is. I may only ever have the jorney under my belt. I may never arrive at that ultimate space in my head.
Enjoy the journey, it's all that I"m going to have.
Enjoy the journey. Don't fret about the weight not coming off in 1.7 weeks. Just enjoy the journey of developing a healthier lifestyle. Enjoy the journey of sneaking in a tub of ice cream. I am always going to be on a quest for that illusive arrival, but enjoy the journey.
Venting came out rather nicely.
Focus on the positive, the beautiful here. Don't get caught up on the arrival, spend your energy on the journey. Love the journey.
Big breath.
Now, I understand that we all don't have to love and like and cherish and admire the same people, the same things. He gets it, I am still learning.
Headache at this time of night?
I breathe. True Blood is addicting. I am liking the social commentary. At least what I think it may be.
Still trying to lose weight. I was so hungry today. I don't even know if I followed a diet or not.
Today I felt the twing of wanting to return to my stuff, to return to my space. I love SD and love the weather and love the rotation and love rooming with CT. It's like there is so much amazing going on that I'm swallowed up in my own personal quest for something negative. Let it go my dear. Let it go my love. I learn to let go.
Remembering when I was young and all I want to do is be something that I cannot be, I will never allow myself to be that person. I have spent so much time and energy trying to become and arrive. But they say the journey. The journey it is. I may only ever have the jorney under my belt. I may never arrive at that ultimate space in my head.
Enjoy the journey, it's all that I"m going to have.
Enjoy the journey. Don't fret about the weight not coming off in 1.7 weeks. Just enjoy the journey of developing a healthier lifestyle. Enjoy the journey of sneaking in a tub of ice cream. I am always going to be on a quest for that illusive arrival, but enjoy the journey.
Venting came out rather nicely.
Focus on the positive, the beautiful here. Don't get caught up on the arrival, spend your energy on the journey. Love the journey.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
SD +30
Today - where do I start? slept in and then rushed to get to the pharmacy on time. The first half of the day just seemed to float by in a dream. Then Brandon gave me a very informative presentation on the overview of HIV. It was fun to talk to him some. I still am not sure what he things of me, nothing bad I am pretty syre of... it's more just the tweeking of our personalities and if they will complement or what with the other. Ya know?
This is my scene walking into the pharmacy building every day. Such a pleasant scene. I do enjoy it quite a bit!
And then I HAD to get some soda:
In the end I just worked on NNRTIs and got some exposure to them.
When I got home, I lied down on the couch and then the thought hit me that I need to start to include more spiritual time in my life. More quiet times when I can meditate on something, or nothing. I do feel that is a balance.
So my question these days is that I'm debating if removing myself from some or even most aspects of social life, will I have a quieter life and allow the balance of spirituality to equate? Or is it like removing old shirts from the closet so that there will be a balance of room in the refridgerator? Are they related? I think that energywise they certainly do.
How will I address this tomorrow? Especially with friends coming into town... Hmm...
I want to focus on my self while here in SD, but friends offer the perfect opportunity to lose sight. More later...
This is my scene walking into the pharmacy building every day. Such a pleasant scene. I do enjoy it quite a bit!
And then I HAD to get some soda:
In the end I just worked on NNRTIs and got some exposure to them.
When I got home, I lied down on the couch and then the thought hit me that I need to start to include more spiritual time in my life. More quiet times when I can meditate on something, or nothing. I do feel that is a balance.
So my question these days is that I'm debating if removing myself from some or even most aspects of social life, will I have a quieter life and allow the balance of spirituality to equate? Or is it like removing old shirts from the closet so that there will be a balance of room in the refridgerator? Are they related? I think that energywise they certainly do.
How will I address this tomorrow? Especially with friends coming into town... Hmm...
I want to focus on my self while here in SD, but friends offer the perfect opportunity to lose sight. More later...
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
SD R+32
And then it came to be that I thought I should just focus on myself and not worry about what all was going on around me. I made a promise to myself that for the next three days I would just be a calm sea. I want to just roll and flow with the waves and currents. I don't want to take a stand or be assertive. Tomorrow is my Water Day 1/3.
At the rotation things are going better than I had imagined. My preceptor is cool, chill and flew to see Madonna in Warsaw, Poland. He is top of my list.
So these days have been going by much too quickly. There is soo much to do each day with the rotation, trying to get in shape, enjoying San Diego and trying to build a better, stornger, deeper friendship with Christian. Above is Fargo who managed to dress herself yesterday in some old things she had lying around. I don't know how she got herself into the handle space of the bag, but she did. It was hilarious. And you can see that she was very proud of it.
I want to take more pictures, I feel like I have to capture so much emotion, excitement, apprehension, so much life in just a few words and pictures. This is definitely a high point of my life. I feel like I'm getting a handle on things.
At the rotation things are going better than I had imagined. My preceptor is cool, chill and flew to see Madonna in Warsaw, Poland. He is top of my list.
So these days have been going by much too quickly. There is soo much to do each day with the rotation, trying to get in shape, enjoying San Diego and trying to build a better, stornger, deeper friendship with Christian. Above is Fargo who managed to dress herself yesterday in some old things she had lying around. I don't know how she got herself into the handle space of the bag, but she did. It was hilarious. And you can see that she was very proud of it.
I want to take more pictures, I feel like I have to capture so much emotion, excitement, apprehension, so much life in just a few words and pictures. This is definitely a high point of my life. I feel like I'm getting a handle on things.
Monday, August 13, 2012
SD R+33
Since returning to Phx is inevitable, I have decided that I will use "Return (day) + number of days still in SD" as a means of keeping track of the days. Not that am looking forward to returning, but that as I said, it is inevitable. So why not.
Yesterday my friend Merylita was out to visit with her manpanion who I met for the very first time. Super nice, but that was no surprise since she is picky and also not blind to BS other guys have tried to throw her way.
Me and a dear bestie who lives here now, Liz Honey is wonderful. And me and my mustache for just one day.
Meryl and her awesome man, Isaiah, enjoying the Cityfest street fair with me. Such a fun weekend!
My daily commute to the rotation |
And Meryl and I got photo-bombed by some LA plastics, but they look ok. But yeah, I need to get into some sort of a shape. So I joined a gym for just a month here in SD. The guy who joined me in was Blake, and Christian said that his calves looked like his knees swallowed grapefruits... haha! But Meryl and I did biuy matching straw hats at the Cityfest street fair. We had a good time despite the humidity!
Me and a dear bestie who lives here now, Liz Honey is wonderful. And me and my mustache for just one day.
Meryl and her awesome man, Isaiah, enjoying the Cityfest street fair with me. Such a fun weekend!
Saturday, August 11, 2012
San Diego Day 1
First day here. with Phx in the rear-view mirror:
The drive was long and there was an accident just on the other side of El Centro. But I should say that I ventured up Imperial Ave in El Centro looking for the Costco and it was quite the drive. The town has a small town feel to it, but the activity is very down one street. Felt like El Centro is shaped like a large butterfly. And then just 10 miles beyond the butterfly, there was an accident. Seemed to be a rough one since about 6 helicopters, firetrucks, towtrucks, and 2,234 policemen were there. I hope everyone survived.
I was waiting and driving with the sun screen up to keep the angry sun off me. And we waited. And waited. And waited. And then finally we were able to move some!!!
So I tried to get some shots of the hot fire fighters but I was also so happy to be moving that I really didn't care much! So there is the end of the fire truck and then you can kind of see the squished care on the left, at the left. there was a heafty down slope on the other side that I think a few cars may have taken a dive down... not sure.
Finally after being on the road for 7.5 hours I arrived in SD, unloaded and turned into a vegetable. Now bed on this first uneventful day. But it was a travel day.
And then tragedy: the hanger rod snapped. But I did replace it with a very sturdy rod purchased at Target in Yuma. But I found I did like to have the rear-view that the fallen clothes gave me.
Sad Sinking Shirts |
The drive was long and there was an accident just on the other side of El Centro. But I should say that I ventured up Imperial Ave in El Centro looking for the Costco and it was quite the drive. The town has a small town feel to it, but the activity is very down one street. Felt like El Centro is shaped like a large butterfly. And then just 10 miles beyond the butterfly, there was an accident. Seemed to be a rough one since about 6 helicopters, firetrucks, towtrucks, and 2,234 policemen were there. I hope everyone survived.
I was waiting and driving with the sun screen up to keep the angry sun off me. And we waited. And waited. And waited. And then finally we were able to move some!!!
So I tried to get some shots of the hot fire fighters but I was also so happy to be moving that I really didn't care much! So there is the end of the fire truck and then you can kind of see the squished care on the left, at the left. there was a heafty down slope on the other side that I think a few cars may have taken a dive down... not sure.
Finally after being on the road for 7.5 hours I arrived in SD, unloaded and turned into a vegetable. Now bed on this first uneventful day. But it was a travel day.
Tuesday, August 07, 2012
Week: Leave for SD
I leave for SD on Friday and I'm curled up into a small ball of anxiety for no other reason than for what I could leave behind. It's a situation where I get so caught up into what I'm not bringing and that "what if I will need it" voice rings in true and hard. So fighting that has been a bit of the up-hill battle today. But I got a spirit lifter from my buddy there:
He understands my core needs and emotions... haha.
So the heat here is going to kill me, which is why I'm going to bed early and going to try and be as productive as possible during the not so hot part of the day. Tomorrow is the last day of work for 6 weeks!!
I went to the gym today and weighted in at 288. But this week I got a call from my Dr's office and my lipids are all still out of whack. So I'm stopping me eating as much fat as I used to allow myself. Last night was the first night I didn't have a spoonful (or four) of peanut butter before bed. I want to eat, but I need to overcome my mental addiction to a full belly and just let full be enough.
Nothing like some rowing to get the juices flowing to get in shape. If I do say so myself.
He understands my core needs and emotions... haha.
So the heat here is going to kill me, which is why I'm going to bed early and going to try and be as productive as possible during the not so hot part of the day. Tomorrow is the last day of work for 6 weeks!!
I went to the gym today and weighted in at 288. But this week I got a call from my Dr's office and my lipids are all still out of whack. So I'm stopping me eating as much fat as I used to allow myself. Last night was the first night I didn't have a spoonful (or four) of peanut butter before bed. I want to eat, but I need to overcome my mental addiction to a full belly and just let full be enough.
Nothing like some rowing to get the juices flowing to get in shape. If I do say so myself.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Monday Check In
It's still crazy hot these days. I'm slowing dying - and melodramatic, yes. This morning I got myself to the gym and did a full run, meaning I did 25-30mins of weights and then did ~1hour of some sort of cardio or related movement, not being full-blown cardio. It felt good and I went to a swanky new gym that had little tvs on all the treadmills and ellipticals, it was a real treat. Also it was fun to see some new eye candy.
But on to other news, I weighted in at 289. Still heavy, fat, obese, yuck, but at least it was 2 lbs less than last time.
Confession: I am addicted to food. I ate good all day and because I cut my carb intake by quite a bit today I was STARVING by 5pm. So early (for me) dinner and now I am battling the snackys. So I am blogging about it. I do enjoy food but I get to a point that if I say no to myself, then I get all anxious that I'll never be able to enjoy food again. And I'm addicted to that full and totally satisfied feeling. It's a comfort thing that I crave to lull me to sleep at night.
Drugs: I have taken myself off completely of my Prozac. Very excited to no longer be on it. It's been, oh about seven years now and it was just time. I still get some headaches but I attribute that to my decrease of caffeine intake. I really am trying to get things under control. Visiting my family, I was amazed at how much discipline my father uses in his diet now. He is borderline diabetic and he is on meds for it but wants to be off them. So he's trying really hard to watch his diet and it's amazing to see him, he's a totally different man when it comes to eating habits than he was just a few months ago. I too am on track to go the diabetic route if I don't stop eating when I'm full right now.
Every once in a while I come across a picture of a guy who I feel I have it in me to look like or he just gives me that extra mental push to do better. And I'm also enjoying Picasa a lot so I like to tweek photos.
This picture for me oozes confidence. Someday I want to lay out by the pool and feel as confident as he seems - course I may not be in the itsy-bitsy green plaid bikini bottom... haha... but he def wears it well!
But on to other news, I weighted in at 289. Still heavy, fat, obese, yuck, but at least it was 2 lbs less than last time.
Confession: I am addicted to food. I ate good all day and because I cut my carb intake by quite a bit today I was STARVING by 5pm. So early (for me) dinner and now I am battling the snackys. So I am blogging about it. I do enjoy food but I get to a point that if I say no to myself, then I get all anxious that I'll never be able to enjoy food again. And I'm addicted to that full and totally satisfied feeling. It's a comfort thing that I crave to lull me to sleep at night.
Drugs: I have taken myself off completely of my Prozac. Very excited to no longer be on it. It's been, oh about seven years now and it was just time. I still get some headaches but I attribute that to my decrease of caffeine intake. I really am trying to get things under control. Visiting my family, I was amazed at how much discipline my father uses in his diet now. He is borderline diabetic and he is on meds for it but wants to be off them. So he's trying really hard to watch his diet and it's amazing to see him, he's a totally different man when it comes to eating habits than he was just a few months ago. I too am on track to go the diabetic route if I don't stop eating when I'm full right now.
Every once in a while I come across a picture of a guy who I feel I have it in me to look like or he just gives me that extra mental push to do better. And I'm also enjoying Picasa a lot so I like to tweek photos.
This picture for me oozes confidence. Someday I want to lay out by the pool and feel as confident as he seems - course I may not be in the itsy-bitsy green plaid bikini bottom... haha... but he def wears it well!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Exploding thoughts, 2nd go
I can't shake that people I may know and write about will be reading this. I so do need to censor some - my paper journal is to reveal names and such, this is not the forum for such words.
But there are people in my life who have been bugging me. I have thought long and hard about how to deal with them, what direction to take: do I approach them and speak directly? Do I ignore them? My final answer is to serve them. I want to show them by my actions that they are important to me and therefore I will do what I can to keep them in my life.
Still enjoying my time here in SJ. We took my nephew for a walk at the park but just got started when his dad arrived from a four day hike. The kid was happy to see his dad! ;)
Then we went to a Mexican food shoppe for some food and though it wasn't the best Mexican I've had, I'm not really a picky eater so I'm not going to say anything. But I will say the company was great! My mom enjoying dinner. I love family.
But there are people in my life who have been bugging me. I have thought long and hard about how to deal with them, what direction to take: do I approach them and speak directly? Do I ignore them? My final answer is to serve them. I want to show them by my actions that they are important to me and therefore I will do what I can to keep them in my life.
Still enjoying my time here in SJ. We took my nephew for a walk at the park but just got started when his dad arrived from a four day hike. The kid was happy to see his dad! ;)
Then we went to a Mexican food shoppe for some food and though it wasn't the best Mexican I've had, I'm not really a picky eater so I'm not going to say anything. But I will say the company was great! My mom enjoying dinner. I love family.
learning to move fast
She said that your body wants to heal itself. That made me think that it could be my mind that is working against my body in a sense. Are we on the same team? I also remember hearing someone say that you need to take care of and respect your body by how you treat it and what you put in it. It is the vessel that carries us through this life.
Interesting article on what women (and men) like about the male physique.
This is a friend of mine and he has worked hard for his physique, also in med school so he knows how to prioritize.. he's in insipration to get it done.
Enjoying some time with the family and especially the weather!!
Interesting article on what women (and men) like about the male physique.
This is a friend of mine and he has worked hard for his physique, also in med school so he knows how to prioritize.. he's in insipration to get it done.
Enjoying some time with the family and especially the weather!!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Whist
He lied in the sun, soaking up the rays but only enjoying them for a brief moment before the heat was too much. The party circled around him and he slipped into the pool to cool down and to visit with some friends. I know he wasn't watching me, I can't read his thoughts, but I was pretending I did. I wanted to get to know him, or get to know him better. But it's like that guy I'll never talk to. The combination hasn't lined up for me to try and give him a shot. I'm frightened of his rejection or him asking to just be friends, or even his disinterest in pursuing a friendship. I want to deserve him. I want to shine in his eye like a jewel.
Wa wa wa... enough longing and yearning for one night.
Wa wa wa... enough longing and yearning for one night.
Today went running around a pond, or whatever can be considered a pond in this part of AZ. But it it felt good to go for a run. It was start and stop a lot, but I did it; I got out and about!! That was a good thing for me. It was also out by my grandpa's farm... or what we called a farm.
The best part of the day way taking my nephew out for a walk around the park.
He pushed his stroller around most of the way. He is definitely a tank!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Ancient Thursday
When he thought I thought today. But that's been thrown around for years with no weight anymore. You're right, but let's not lose hope, comrade.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Frankly if my name was
Eww... broccoli just went in to be steamed and it really makes the place smell, but oh well. I went to the gym, first time in ages - 7 weeks I think. I weight myself and 291 is a large number. Scary large. I knew I gained weight, per the mirror, but morbidly obese is not what I want for myself.
I also had dinner with a friend last night, TH. The impression I left with from him was that life is what you make of it. He said that if you find happiness in eating a bag of cookies every night, then do it. I think I may have read into what he was saying also as to say, "so stop complaining and do something about it, I just don't want to waste our time together with you complaining about a situation you've never done much to try and change." Yeah, that's what I heard you say because that's what I needed to hear.
I also had dinner with a friend last night, TH. The impression I left with from him was that life is what you make of it. He said that if you find happiness in eating a bag of cookies every night, then do it. I think I may have read into what he was saying also as to say, "so stop complaining and do something about it, I just don't want to waste our time together with you complaining about a situation you've never done much to try and change." Yeah, that's what I heard you say because that's what I needed to hear.
Random the Thoughts
It's easy to fall into thinking of these drug consuming entities and forget that they are people.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
the end of the end of the end
It's not that I'm not interested. It's not that I don't think about the what ifs. It's not that I don't want it to go somewhere. It's that I know the timing is wrong. A long time ago JR kept saying that I wanted to play the field; was't ready to find a one. I never told him I was too insecure to try and pursue something serious with him. He was too beautiful in my eyes. I felt that once he got to know me and spend time with me, he would lose interest. I still think like that. That moment in my life is now in the open.
Not like that feel that with IJ, my confidence is boosted muchly than the past. I see him as not ready for a one. I see him still feeling like an attraction, not ready, but wanting to be around people to be free around people. That is what my gut instinct tells me.
I'm running and sabotaging it anyway. I'll always do that. I am still me. But I think there's a reason beyond my fucked up problems. Maybe.
Not like that feel that with IJ, my confidence is boosted muchly than the past. I see him as not ready for a one. I see him still feeling like an attraction, not ready, but wanting to be around people to be free around people. That is what my gut instinct tells me.
I'm running and sabotaging it anyway. I'll always do that. I am still me. But I think there's a reason beyond my fucked up problems. Maybe.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Love Spent
I don't understand. Foot in the door waiting for the better to spring up. I can only hope you find it. Actually, who actually hopes for that? I don't. I guess it just stings right now. You jumped on the next best visual forgetting all the visceral we shared. When you gonna come into reality? End angry rant.
Monday, April 16, 2012
convo
My sister. She told me that I had a core of awesomeness that I haven't even touched. I have everything going for me, I just need to stop being a coward and tap into it and be great. I see her that way. Only I see that she is tapping into it. I love her. We are so similar. I love our honest, loving connection.
I'm currently obsessed with this song:
Where life is perfect.
I'm currently obsessed with this song:
Where life is perfect.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Go to Marz
Not so good. Poor tests. Poor bread count. Scraping bottom and I don't want to know what's underneath. Not so good. Today.
New. Venlafaxine. So far really good. Good placebo. Placebo effect. Effective. New spark. New.
So carry on.
As for everything else. I forgot what I wanted to say. House clean, except for the papers. The papers that have been there since six years ago. Or something.
"But you didn't have to cut me off." Stuck in my head. Great song. I don't want to get used to this certain kind of sadness. Not the end, not always the end.
"Hold me like your money."
New. Venlafaxine. So far really good. Good placebo. Placebo effect. Effective. New spark. New.
So carry on.
As for everything else. I forgot what I wanted to say. House clean, except for the papers. The papers that have been there since six years ago. Or something.
"But you didn't have to cut me off." Stuck in my head. Great song. I don't want to get used to this certain kind of sadness. Not the end, not always the end.
"Hold me like your money."
Monday, April 09, 2012
What if I had fallen in?
What do you get when you ask Angry Angela to tell her sister Hysterical Hillary to inform Fatty Felicia that she cannot have Jack in the Box tonight? They are triplets, just turned 15 years old, it's that time of month. Yeah, welcome to my head.
I slept in until way too late and then did homework like a marathon runner with brief water and pee breaks.
Jump to me at the gym and trying.
Take out the recycling.
I was in a daze all day today and still feel like it. While I was at the gym, I thought about just accepting that the daze was the new life. I hope not. I don't like it.
I do like the silk robe. But it's about too hot these days. Grr. I'm over the Phoenix summer.
I slept in until way too late and then did homework like a marathon runner with brief water and pee breaks.
Jump to me at the gym and trying.
Take out the recycling.
I was in a daze all day today and still feel like it. While I was at the gym, I thought about just accepting that the daze was the new life. I hope not. I don't like it.
I do like the silk robe. But it's about too hot these days. Grr. I'm over the Phoenix summer.
Sunday, April 08, 2012
Easter passed over
He woke up, 7:30 bright and early. It was a new thing for him, to wake up so early; early since just a few weeks earlier crawling out of bed before 9 was a feat of greatest proportions. Immediately thoughts of the movie the previous night played in his mind's eye: Catniss' expression when Peeta didn't want to pretend, his look into her eyes on the train home after The Games.
Shower.
Clean up some clutter. Still not the desk. Never the desk. Last place on earth to get organized. Cleaning merely meant putting the piles of paper elsewhere in the room, on a seat, floor, anywhere but on the glass desk top.
Oatmeal, coffee. Not in that order.
Watch a movie of Argentine origin. Let's call it Plan B. The movie was great, good-ish. Okay, he liked it. He liked how there was a lot of "thinking time" in the movie. Lots to think about. People don't just rush in. Some do, but they are fools. These characters thought a lot about where they were going. Or so it seemed. Maybe it was just a weekend. Weekend. That show was amazing. He was still in a daze over it. Well done. They tried, kind of, but tried still. Kind of. But they did entertain the thought of trying. They grew. One grew. They both may have grown. He grew: it allowed a few precious tear drops to fall from his dry eyes. He wishes he could cry more. He feels like he has sobs that are yearning to come out. But they cannot. He doesn't suppress them, they just don't come. Sobs feel good. Releasing the emotion feels good. He likes to cry but cannot so instead listens to lots of sad songs. These sad movies are a new venture. He's watched more movies in the past four days than he has in the previous four months.
A phone call with a dear friend who was celebrating graduating pharmacy school and her new tattoos in honor of her achievement. She's got issues but he was only all too happy to talk to her, and express his issues too. But hers are more interesting for him. They involve scandal in a benign sense of the word. Not much more than any other stressed mother about to graduate a doctorate program. Good for her.
Not much else. Kramer vs. Kramer. A movie he's been meaning to get through. Good show. Safeway and run into an attractive older man, attractive friend. Attractive and partnered friend. Run into him at Safeway in front of the chocolate. Attractive Friend looked good, he always does. He keeps up appearances well. Damn you chocolate aisle.
Shower.
Clean up some clutter. Still not the desk. Never the desk. Last place on earth to get organized. Cleaning merely meant putting the piles of paper elsewhere in the room, on a seat, floor, anywhere but on the glass desk top.
Oatmeal, coffee. Not in that order.
Watch a movie of Argentine origin. Let's call it Plan B. The movie was great, good-ish. Okay, he liked it. He liked how there was a lot of "thinking time" in the movie. Lots to think about. People don't just rush in. Some do, but they are fools. These characters thought a lot about where they were going. Or so it seemed. Maybe it was just a weekend. Weekend. That show was amazing. He was still in a daze over it. Well done. They tried, kind of, but tried still. Kind of. But they did entertain the thought of trying. They grew. One grew. They both may have grown. He grew: it allowed a few precious tear drops to fall from his dry eyes. He wishes he could cry more. He feels like he has sobs that are yearning to come out. But they cannot. He doesn't suppress them, they just don't come. Sobs feel good. Releasing the emotion feels good. He likes to cry but cannot so instead listens to lots of sad songs. These sad movies are a new venture. He's watched more movies in the past four days than he has in the previous four months.
A phone call with a dear friend who was celebrating graduating pharmacy school and her new tattoos in honor of her achievement. She's got issues but he was only all too happy to talk to her, and express his issues too. But hers are more interesting for him. They involve scandal in a benign sense of the word. Not much more than any other stressed mother about to graduate a doctorate program. Good for her.
Not much else. Kramer vs. Kramer. A movie he's been meaning to get through. Good show. Safeway and run into an attractive older man, attractive friend. Attractive and partnered friend. Run into him at Safeway in front of the chocolate. Attractive Friend looked good, he always does. He keeps up appearances well. Damn you chocolate aisle.
Monday, January 09, 2012
This short has been everywhere and it hit me again today (Madonna's facebook page posted it):
This morning I left my head in bed and had a Dr's appt, went to the gym and did a few errands. My head still feels like I haven't quite woken up. So with that light I looked at my PoF account. And since I'm not thinking clearly I looked at SG's profile. He is the one that I allowed myself to like too much too quickly. And two weeks (yeah, two weeks) I was into him and he told me that he only felt friendship, that he couldn't offer more than that and wasn't attracted to me sexually. For some reason I got the crazy notion in my head that if I got my butt to the gym then over a few months he'd see that he does indeed need me, and is attracted to me, blah blah blah.
So he's been on that dating site within the past week and I knew it was going to sit and ache in my stomach when I saw that. He's just moving on with his life. Good for him. I'm stuck right now, but going to the gym is going to be good for me. I am still trying to focus on myself, stop this silly relationship lusting and busting and just be myself for a few months.
And then I see the movie like the one above and my heart feels a bit heavy again, longing for a guy to like me back. WaWaWa...
So, strong face forward and take that step:
Can you tell I've just found out that I can add youtube videos? sweet.
Classes start today so here goes the final didactic semester. Yay!
This morning I left my head in bed and had a Dr's appt, went to the gym and did a few errands. My head still feels like I haven't quite woken up. So with that light I looked at my PoF account. And since I'm not thinking clearly I looked at SG's profile. He is the one that I allowed myself to like too much too quickly. And two weeks (yeah, two weeks) I was into him and he told me that he only felt friendship, that he couldn't offer more than that and wasn't attracted to me sexually. For some reason I got the crazy notion in my head that if I got my butt to the gym then over a few months he'd see that he does indeed need me, and is attracted to me, blah blah blah.
So he's been on that dating site within the past week and I knew it was going to sit and ache in my stomach when I saw that. He's just moving on with his life. Good for him. I'm stuck right now, but going to the gym is going to be good for me. I am still trying to focus on myself, stop this silly relationship lusting and busting and just be myself for a few months.
And then I see the movie like the one above and my heart feels a bit heavy again, longing for a guy to like me back. WaWaWa...
So, strong face forward and take that step:
Can you tell I've just found out that I can add youtube videos? sweet.
Classes start today so here goes the final didactic semester. Yay!
Friday, January 06, 2012
I'm nearing the end of my first 3-week get-in-better-health program thingy. So far, not so bueno. But still bueno because I at least have made it to the gym 3-4 times a week for the past three weeks, in spite of those damned holidays! I also attempted for a cool beard, with the inspiration being:
Mine never even got close to that. Probably because I was hoping the beard would give me that full head of hair and the toned, defined shoulders/pecs. Also while we're walking down pipe-dream lane, the beard would take a few years off me. But as most people told me, I looked older. I guess beards do that normally. Looking at his eyes, the area around the eyes, he probably is in early to mid 20s? I wonder if he's single and will love me... hahahaha.
But the next three weeks my goal is to lift at least 4 times a week, only 20 mins of lifting and to do some sort of cardio/fat burn for at least 30 mins five times a week, which equals 150mins of c/fb. Or I guess as long as I get the 150 mins in, i.e. 20 mins one day and 40 another. Also, I know I am soooo bad at eating healthy. I love, love, love, love to eat late at night. Trying to break that carnal pleasure is going to have to probably require an alteration in my DNA. But necessary.
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