ice sets in

The city lights shine dimly in the darkness. Watching from my window the cars drive by. My breath leaves moisture on the glass. The light from the bathroom is all that illuminates the small space. Everything in the room stands quiet, except the ticking of the clocks. I ponder what the best escape might be, burning up quietly by the window. My reflection stares back at me. I used to dwell in the sun. The moon has become my only friend. I took a leap too soon, there was nothing on the other side. I fell hard twice. Twice the brokens. Twice the water. Twice the faded smile. Twice I learn, twice I forget. I forge an ice from the bellows; iron tough, yet fragile. I forget again to lean on my own.

please clear the area

The crop-dusting airplane has flown low over my neurons, causing a haze to settle over my thoughts. A dónde voy ahora? Busco en cuartos oscuros, explorando los rincones escondidos de mi celebro. Pero ciego ando; botando cosas y papeles. No sé como guardar el corazón del otro. Maybe I should let it go. Maybe I should hold it close. But it burns my hands either way.

El porvenir me confunda. Quiero creer tanto en algunas cosas, pero cuido mi esperaza. Demasiado he confiado en algo que me lastimó en el final. Quiero creer sus palabras. Quiero creer que me quiere tanto como dice. Y dice que somos buenos para el otro. Pero también dice que marchamos lentamente. Y estoy de aquerdo con esto. Dentro mi corazón espero lo mejor para él y para mi.

It's been awhile

I don't know what to write though I was thinking today that I should write. Last night I went out to a bar and had a great time. There were these two guys there, who were partners but they were so much fun. We just talked and danced and all that good stuff. I was out with a couple of my friends. They were the type of guys that I would totally want to invite over to my house for games and dinner and drinks. I also realized last night that I am at the point in my life where I think I would do better in a relationship than the sporadic dating that I've been doing. I just need to find the right guy.

But you gots ta be patient. So patience is something I try to develope and understand. It's never been one of my strong points.

if I was an actor I'd be Marlon Brando

The glamour of the golden age of cinema. Back when actors really could act rather than just stand in front of the camera and look pretty.

Well, that's my opinion anyway. I just watched A Streetcar Named Desire and was blown away by how well it was acted and of course how incredibly hot Marlon Brando was. So I have decided that I need to explore more of his movies to see if I think he was a good actor or not.

But back to today's actors: Yes, Heath Ledger did very well in BBM. I think he should win an oscar for that performance. He was sullen, lost in his confused thoughts most of the time. I yearned to shake him and tell him to wake up and go with his gut reaction. But how often do we hesitate? Sometimes for just minutes, days, months, a lifetime. Carpe Diem. That's a message I walked away with from the movie. It was incredible. I loved it.

I'm still thinking of Brokeback Mountain. I think I'd like to watch it again, and read the story again. I did cry some when I read it. It's very brief and to the point. In a sentence the author sums up immense emotion between these two men. I still think that the way the story was portrayed it could have easily been between a man and a woman... kinda like that one that got away. Or that you didn't know you needed in your life until he/she was gone. Quite possibly Jake's character was willing to chance death or murder rather than shielding his emotions. He wanted to be happy at any cost. But then they say if you set your stakes to high, you're bound to lose. Sad that he just wanted to be happy with the person he loved and for that wound up dead. But then it's also said, "We weren't meant to be, at least not in this life time." They must have been star-crossed lovers, like Romeo and Juliet. A love so deep that only death could fulfill it; too pure for this world.

What price would we pay to be happy? Do we deny ourselves moments of happiness out of fear or society? I remember when you said that you deny yourself nothing. (Kept in moderation) I think you're on to something. ;)

"A man can tell one thousand lies, I've learned my lesson well. Hope I live to tell the secret I have learned. Until then it will burn inside of me."

I was wrong to let you go

I just saw Brokeback Mountain with my good friend A. I wanted to cry, and I did for a brief moment. But the MD put me on some meds that kinda make my emotions numb.

I like it.

I've felt enough for awhile now (the movie too). I just want to not feel. I get too wrapped up in people and too up-tight and all that. I just want to let things go for awhile. I don't want to feel anything.

And I think for now I don't.

Well, I still feel, it's just muted. It's not quite the impact that I used to feel. So I'm not going to cry today.

On a different note, here are some notes that I jotted down during work the last few days:

The stars shone brightly that night.
But reason says put the stardust in your pocket
and turn you head to the sun once again.
Dreams are to be followed, but fools follow star wishes.
______________________
It's better to cash in the chips
and take what I already have.
Anything from here on out is a gamble.
And I know setting my stakes too high,
I'm bound to lose.
----------------------------------------------------------------
I find myself walking into your life.
We share no history except days.
I love you with out knowing you.
I must be out of my mind.
-----------------------
Let the rain fall.
Let it cover the earth
and nourish my hope.
And spite my overwhelming despair.
_________________
My best relationships are with blotches of ink strategically placed on paper, and with the neurons that fuel my imagination.
_______________________________________
It takes a lot to always be on form.
Make sure my safety vest is on tight.
It's been one of those days.
I can't go any faster
for fear of losing myself.

Coffee rings help me search my heart.
Careful not to cross over the line.
The sky is blue and swallows me.
Please don't come any closer
for fear of losing you.

more random notes

Must be Dreaming
Collide
Let’s Take One More Rocket to the
Moon
Must Get Out
Forbidden Love
I Need a Hero


Do I know you from somewhere? Why do you leave me wanting more?

The thought enraptured me, warming my soul. And I allowed myself to be carried away in euphoria. But just as soon as I let myself go, I woke from dreaming and returned to my cold, grey world.

I’d bike, run, swim. I’d learn French. I’d save and scrimp. I’d buy lavishness. I’d give my all. It’d still not be enough.

If luck would smile and fortune send a sign, I’d wish upon a star that you’d be mine.

I pray for God to send me an angel,
to send me someone to warm my soul.
I wished upon stars and moonbeams.


What am I doing for the rest of my life? I guess striving for your happiness ;) (That may have been cheesy). I was reading through your profile and it left me wanting more. I was enraptured by what you said and how handsome you are. And since I only get one shot at life and with nothing to lose, I thought I’d send you a message. You replying was alone more than I had anticipated, so thank you muchly for that.
There was an honesty in your words, and I too have reached that point where I can’t shake off that empty feeling as easily as I used to, and I know the best things in life are free. Who is this crazy guy you might be thinking? Well I thought that hope, the thing with feathers, had left me for good. But something so simple as reading your profile sparked an unknown reserve within me.

notes at work

the first time

learning how to breathe.

Top 10 of 2005

1) Since you been gone
2) Sick and tired

I’m scared to let myself out again. I need to have time to myself to be alone, to discover things, whatever they may be.
I don’t want to lose myself again and lose focus of what I need to be doing.

Mom said to bring:
- a $2-4 gift
- potato chips for snacking
- the harry potter book.

I need space from this guy, though we have nothing spoken between us, I’m finding I think about him more and more. TIME OFF! TIME OUT! TIME FREEZE!
I need to step away before IT happens again… gosh!

wrestle with my darkness

So I think to a certain degree I'm still searching. I don't know what I'm looking for. I have an idea, but not anything set in stone.

I feel like Jabba the Gut today. I've been under the weather lately which has postponed my gym attendance even longer. I think I'm pushing a month of non-attendance. While I've been happy in my repose and eating all the chocolate I can lay my hands on while on this creative-difference break, I find that I am now thinking the gym is more my friend than chocolate. But both make me feel so good. Of course this is a simple everything-in-moderation fable (course between you and me and my belly an overdose of carido wouldn't kill me).

The girl of my dreams has consented to hang with me New Year's Eve (Yes, I am gay, but don't look too deeply into it). I'm so enraptured with her. "Once upon a time, there was a boy and there was a girl." Anyway, she makes me feel all warm and tingly inside. But I'd never date her. Did I mention I'm gay? That's just a great way to complicate things.

This weekend I was able to get up to visit my grandparents, whom I haven't seen in about a year. It was time. They were happy and healthy, it was a nice visit. But the 7 hours total on the road in one day was tough for me, but well worth it.

I'm losing

"And I imagine me alone somewhere, traveling, maybe with Louie, going anywhere and nowhere and back again."

This poet captured a sentiment I've felt for a long time. I know that I've got some traveling to do. And I must do it alone. I think I've began the journey... the destination is only a blur in my mind.

de vez en cuando

So where do I find myself today? I think more on the right track than I was yesterday. Last night I went on a date with a guy that I have been talking to for awhile now. He had the personality of a cardboard box. I know that I misspell things, and sometimes I don’t convey my thoughts very well, but at least I think. That sounded harsh. He was a very nice guy but just not for me at all. I mean, he has been working at a grocery store for 9 years. He hasn’t gone to school. No ambition. None.

Anyway, in other news… hmmm… there’s really no further news.

I guess I could say I feel zapped. I feel like a well run dry. I feel blah. I know that I’m starting to feel like my life will start when I have my new place. But I have to avert those thoughts and continue to do things and enjoy my time from school.

Oígame. Ya es tiempo para segir adelante. Tengo metas, y las cumpliré.

Aveces cuando cierro mis ojos, peinso en un lugar no tan lejos. El ambiente es quieto y estoy relajado en el sofa, tal vez leyendo una novela. Me gusta imaginar que hay un él que se esta sentado cerca de me. Pero este no tiene cara. No tiene voz ni pies. Espero que conozca a alguien con quien puedo vivir feliz.

Aveces pienso que nunca pasará. Pero tengo que guardar la esperanza.

“I’m really a cat you see, and it’s not my last life at all.”

bringing it back in

How well do I know myself? Who am I? What makes me, me?

Funny, but when I try and answer myself this question, I always say "Well, I like Madonna." It seems that that is only thing that has been constant in my life. I no longer attend the church I once thought I'd die for. My parents have drawn close in some aspects and built up walls in others.
Though it pains me to say it, I am just not very close to my parents. I'm not really close to anyone. I fear I will be rejected or forgotten or have to start playing by their rules in order to be loved. I've done that my whole life. "I'll be loved if..." I still don't understand this much myself so I certainly can't write much coherency about it.

But I realized over time, over much time, that I don't know myself. That I carry the same set of rules with myself. "Ryan, you will be good and acceptable when and if..." Usually followed by phrases such as "Get 6-pack abs" or "become a straight A student again."

Pretty much I have always wanted myself to become perfect but I never have been. I've let myself down not being attracted to women. I've let myself down needing more than 4 hours of sleep a night and not being able to read and study through the night. I've let myself down for eating several chocolate chip cookies yesterday.

It seems I'm my worst critic.

Well, I've decided that since I've only got one life, I'm going to do it better and stop living by these rules that I picked up as truths somewhere along the way.

I've forgotten to live MY life. I want so desperately to fit into these molds I cast myself that I forget to relax and live and enjoy moments. And learn that there's a time to play and a time to work.

Why else do I fall for people so much? I feel like I have to make them like me cuz anyone with any sense wouldn't waste 30 seconds with me.

So I'm dating myself. I'm going to get to know me. I'm going to get comfortable with myself. I'm going to take myself to the movies. I'm going to spend time just reading with myself and having thoughtful discussions about what I've read. I'm going to go to the gym and be workout partners with myself. Everything I've wanted in a mate I will be myself.

I'm getting my own apartment in Feb. This will require me to live with myself too.

I have a general idea what I'm going to do, but details are not specified. I think I'm going to try and make the most of each moment, and learn about me and how I handle situations.

I'll keep you posted.

Forbidden Love

Last night I read the short story "Brokeback Mountain." It was simply amazing. I know what it's like wishing you could let someone go, yearning to not have feelings for them, even living in denial to escape what you don't want to feel. These days it's a familiar story, but BM seems to tell the tale differently. These men fight it, but give in to emotions they just don't understand.

"I wish I could quit you."

That is my favorite line from the story.
The title of the story itself implies something that will never be completely whole, something that can never survive because of it's mere nature and those whom it influences.

I never knew what it was to cry and feel the pain of love until I let myself fall for a man. I never felt like I couldn't go on unless he was in my life. I felt like he was my sun, the faith by which I lived, the potential of my voice, the feet which which I walked. He was my love, my desires to laugh. He was a goodbye I didn't know how to say, I couldn't live without him.
I felt if one day he were ever to leave me, I would close all the doors so that he couldn't ever leave. I gave him my silence, my nose, my bones, just to keep him here.

But it was a boy. A boy evoked all those emotions from me. Why a girl can't I always wonder.

But I only have one chance at this life. We all do. We've only got one as Frou Frou says. But after being raised to behave and think in a certain way, it's just too difficult to deviate from that mind set.

BM captured this so well.

hmmmm

I think due to the recent tumultuous events regarding relationships, I have taken on the notion that love is a story that unfolds much the same way for me. First there are excitement and anticipation, followed by uncertainty and suspicion, and then it ends. I’m seeing a few guys right now, again, and honestly I feel like a spectator. I’m just hanging around to see the story; front row seats in my own life.

I’m not terribly worried about any of them actually liking me. They all are showing the same signs as what I’m used to. Maybe if I could learn to use people in a heartless, cold manner. Course I’d have to learn an evil way to laugh, and maybe get a cape. This is going to take some preparation.

But really, I feel like love is a concept in the past I thought I understood, but now I feel like it’s a fable told by rabbits. I think this is the absolute refractory period for my heart.

have you got it in you?

So I'm always the one to be the friend. Which I don't mind. I'm good at being a friend. I think sometimes I just wish I could let people know that there is someone out there who thinks they are great. Not every person, a few in particular.

It seems that sometimes guys think I want to get in their pants when all I want to do is get to know them cuz I think they are nice people. And they push me away. And if I tell them I'm not interested beyond friendship, they take offense or get embarresed.

So I just try and be there. Be there. Be there. And be there. It's silly really. But that's who I am.

I know where beauty lives

Today is world aids day. This day has caused me to take a step back and re-evaluate everything and do some introspection. I feel like this day was a gift, as they all are. I will get up tomorrow morning, I will go to school tomorrow, I will go to work tomorrow. I will watch Swept Away tomorrow (I’ve never seen it and was told to have plenty of booze on hand).

I will breathe tomorrow.

How great is that? A blessing.

I work at a pharmacy and I have come to see there is a small, yet noticeable difference between patients. I find that patients who are on meds for pain or something temporary, who could cut down on their drug dependency if they would improve their lifestyle, are the ones who are trouble. They are the ones screaming about insurance, about things not running according to their schedules. They are the ones that you take a deep breath before greeting. But the ones who are on meds because it is making a difference in a situation they have no control over, they are much calmer and grateful. This is all generally speaking, but I have noticed the difference.

I wonder how the world would be if we all had such an apparent count down hanging over us. Would the world become dark and troublesome? Would friends lose contact with each other? Would people hurt others for personal gain? Maybe so.
Or would the air smell sweeter? Would you stop and take time to appreciate the clouds, or how your favorite shirt feels next to your skin. The rhythm and warmth of your nephew’s breath on your neck as he’s sleeping. I like to think I would chose the latter, and I think that I will. I may not have aids, but I’m still moral. I don’t know where a car is that has my name on it, or what the future brings.

This makes all my other worries and fusses silly and small.

These days are here, at least for me, to make me realize that I’m human, and so is everyone around me. And reminds me that since we’re human together, we should fight diseases like aids together and stop fighting each other. How far could we advance as a human race? I’m not one to stick my neck out and try and change the world, but changing myself is something I am one for.

It’s world aids day, I could just as easily think of it as world human hope day.

“A man can tell a thousand lies / I’ve learned my lesson well / hope I live to tell the secret I have learned / till then it will burn inside of me.”

it needs to be said, but not to their face

Dear S,
Hmm, what you said; you decided this all on your own. I still think you’re running away. From what I don’t know, but I hope you find what it is you lack or are looking for. And for what it’s worth, I still think you took the easy way out.

Dear P,
You’ve made it quite obvious that you’re around for friends only. That’s cool. Though my too-fast-moving self might want more, based solely on the fact that physically you are the epitome of my type, I will hold back and concentrate on the fact that I know you are not what I’m looking for in a man. But GOD you’re beautiful. If I were a player and didn’t get all involved when I’m physical with someone I like, I’d totally work to get in your pants. GRRRRR!!!!

Dear C,
I’m still wondering some as to when you grew up and away so quickly.

Dear A,
I’m not attracted to girls in a relationship sense, but every time I’ve been down or sad, I think about you, and how you inspire me, how you are there with advice for me when I need it. I think about how I have leaned on you so many times I can’t count them. I’m scared to really think much more about it.

Dear Imogen Heap,
I think I love you, from an I-love-your-words-and-ideas point of view.

Dear R,
I know that your heart is still tender, and still hurts from time to time. I see it every time I see your broken smile. It’s not what it used to be. I understand that you’re at a point where you need to be alone and heal. But remember that you are loved. I know it’s not the same, but when the days get brighter again and that hole in your soul is filled up rather than just plastered over, you’ll be radiant once again.

Dear M,
I love your new album a lot, but lately what I’ve seen you wearing is less than flattering. Please stop trying to usher in a new wave of neo-70s.

Dear Brittany,
I really don’t care for the direction you took in your life. You are known for making hasty decisions that need to be annulled in the morning. Seriously, keep the kid, but as for the other, I think it’s morning. Seriously.

Dear Mariah,
I really don’t like you, nor your music. Really not anything about you, but for some reason I think I will give you a chance. Just one more.

So I’ve been musing what I could write about today. I’m enjoying this space I have to jot down whatever little thoughts might make their way into my head and want to be released.
I’ve been thinking of getting my own place. Yup, getting rid of the roommate situation. I’ve really wanting that for sometime now. And I think that the time is nearing. But there are a few things I need to make sure will happen before I do that. I need to see if my mom is ready to sell me her old furniture, or if g’ma will be wanting to sell me hers. They are both ready to buy new furniture and have told me they’d sell me theirs for really cheap. So I’m thinking I might instigate this reaction. I would LOVE to have my own space. But I might get lonely, but loniness is something I really need to become familiar with. I need to be alone for a time. No boys, no roommates, no distractions. I need to focus on me for a time. “Yes, I’m ready to jump!”

Also today An Imogen Heap song jumped out at me, grabbed me and shook me up. It was saying exactly what I was looking for in a song. I like the music I listen to to describe how I’m feeling, it’s something I’ve always done. I think everyone does that. But it’s called “The Walk.” It discusses about how she isn’t in a place to like someone, yet she’s feeling like for someone. That’s me. The Sunday date was a lot of fun, and I know that I could like him too much, and get stuck in the same cycle all over again. No thank you. So I am just going to continue walking without him. I’ll keep his number for a rainy day as the song goes. But other than that I am not going to let myself even fall the least for him. Like I want to call him tonight and see how he’s doing, but I’m not going to. If he wants to talk, then he can call me.

sometimes my thoughts come out differently

Paul wasn’t aware that he was being watched. He meticulously diced the tomatoes deep in his thoughts. The bright kitchen lights were illuminating everything, everything except what workings his neurons produced deep inside his head. Eric watched the dust settle in Paul’s heavy eyes. The small fire crackled producing extra warmth in their comfortable apartment on this cold Manhattan night. He had known for about a month now that Paul was drifting away. Had he met someone new? What was going on?
Eric had tread very lightly lately, not asking too many questions and allowing Paul his space; his heart slowly losing feeling, preparing itself for the inevitable.
Paul looked up, met Eric’s eyes, and smiled weakly; embarrassed he had been caught. Eric lowered his eyes embarrassed he too had been caught.
The night ensued mostly in silence, exchanging only a few pleasantries.

The following morning was Sunday and they usually attended a small church service followed by brunch at a café just across the street. Much to Eric’s surprise, Paul got ready just as he had most of the Sundays since they moved in together four years prior. Their six year anniversary was nearing. Eric wondered if they would make it to that mark. He would keep the apartment; Paul always talked about wanting to get out of the city, off the east coast altogether. He had friends in Phoenix that they would go visit in the winter to get out of the cold for a few days. Eric suspected that that is where Paul will go.

After brunch Paul opened the newspaper and settled in the big chair by the bay window and Eric began to pick up around the apartment and wrote a few letters to some friends with whom he had needed to get caught up. He bored them with news of his job, and the slow renovations he and Paul had been making in the apartment. “Do you want to walk to mail these with me?” he asked Paul. To his surprise again that day, Paul conceded.

The air was chilly, but the sun was out and when in the sun warmth could be detected. They walked in the usual silence and dropped the letters off. Eric turned to go home when Paul grabbed his hand, “Eric,” he said. “I know I’ve been distant lately and very unfair to you, and I know that you are giving me space, and I thank you for that.” Eric was bewildered. This was the longest sentence Paul had said to him in weeks, and addressing what was thick in the air at that. “Eric, I do love you. I’ve been doubting about if this is the right thing, if we belong together. But last night when I saw you looking at me, I realized that I’ve been far away from you and you knew it. And I’ve been lonely with you right there, always ready to give me what I need. And I realized that that’s what’s been missing in my life; you’ve been missing from my life because I’ve pushed you away, not wanting to accept the fact that I am human and that I need you, I need what you give me. I need your love, your smile, your touch, your laugh, your tears. They… you are a part of me now. And I’ve realized that, I’ve accepted that, and I love that I love you and need you.”

the hunter and the hunted

We've all been on both ends of it. Admit it. We've been hurt and we've hurt. But no matter how many times I may have been in either position, it never seems to get much easier.

Shall we just say I'm nursing my wounds right now. But I finally understand that I need to be alone, single, date me for a time. I don't know how one individual can have such a string of unsuccessful relationships as I have. Is it my luck? Is it me?

But I'm really not trying to pin-point what is wrong. Instead I'm taking a step back. There is obviously something with me that needs improvement.
And I'm starting with the thing I know will be the most difficult for me: Solitude.

I'm hoping that in this time I will be able to focus on me and learn to really be happy with who I am. I'm tired of falling all over a guy the minute he shows some affection in my path.
Also I fear I have been living a selfish existence, and so I need to correct those two things.

So I have two very simple goals. The first is to live in Gratitude each day. It's not mine for the taking, it's mine as a gift.
And I am going to focus on myself. I went on a date with a wonderful guy yesterday. I've been admiring him for sometime now, but I had a talk with myself last night, and I know that this will end up no different if I go about it the same way. I'm prepared that this may never happen because right now I'm not in the position to try and date. I jump from date to date, man to man.

I choose these two because I feel they balance each other. I could get very egocentric fast, which is why I need to keep a thankful, and humble heart. And work at keeping it.

And then I ask what about me? I'm getting lost in my pursuit of acceptance by another.

This will be something very hard for me. I'm not good at being alone. I get insecure fast. I feel like the world is turning without me. I feel forgotten. But I'll just have to learn how. There are many things about me that I don't know, and it's time I spent some time with myself, to learn to like and love me, before I can have the foundation to give love to another.

No U-turns, and the daffodils look lovely today

I think it’s finally beginning to click. So much doesn’t add up, because I’m using imaginary numbers. I realized that I was looking for something more where it doesn’t exist.

Three songs in a row came on my ipod… kinda freaky but it just seemed to finally push that lever to the “realize” position in my head…

“Bye Bye Baby”
“Power of Goodbye”
“Has to Be”

“I keep on waiting anticipating, but I can’t wait forever. You say you (like) me, you’re thinking of me, but we’re never together.”

“Your heart is not open, so I must go. The spell has been broken, I loved you so. You were my lesson I had to learn, I was your fortress you had to burn.”

“I know there’s someone out there, waiting for me. There must be someone out there, there just has to be.”

I deserve better than what I’m receiving. He has said just friends+, but I guess I was focusing on the + portion of it. Well, I’ve graduated from that different kind of school. I’m moving on. I’ve been hoping that he’d come around, but nope. No luck for that. So I move on.

But I’m not going to do any “break-up” anything. I’m just going to drift away. Maybe there will be something in the future, maybe not. But I move on.

“I always wished that I could find someone as beautiful as you, but in the process I forgot that I was special too. I always wished that I could find someone as talented as you, but in the process if forgot that I am just as good as you.”