tipsy blogging with a bruised heart

it shouldn't have it me as hard. It shouldn't have been such a surprise. I knew that just by placing even a small bet on you would still yield losing results. The attention I thought you gave just me was shared round the town. You're just a mere flirt. I shouldn't sit here like a fool, I've already graduated from this different kind of school. But all the same, just a little bit, it hurts.

There must by someone out there, waiting for me, there just has to be.

dreams in bags that float out to sea
full of colors that don't mix
silence I attack, I never hear you enter
there's no month of June
we don't smile or laugh together
I always hide my bad mood

look at me and tell me what you see
look at you and tell me if we go
together like A and B
you and I, always you and I
never you and I
fit in the same place and time

my eyes are tired of tears
give me a hug, give me a kiss
we both try and escape
the love that turns to venom
each scene is supervised
every gesture calculated

look at me, look at the sky
see the butterfly fly
no one will hear us march
we know we must
never you and I
fit in the same place and time

psycho stalker insecurities

We're out. Come too! (God I can't wait to see you again)

You should come, we're all here. (God-damnit I'm here, come fucking see me)

Who am I gonna do a walk shot with? Don't be a pooper. (For fuck's sake, get the fuck over here. I'm losing my patience. Why the fuck don't you want to see me? You don't fucking like me, you fucker.)

I understand, sometimes the couch is the best place. (Why the fuck are you calling him, don't you know that he's right by me?! I saw you call him. Asshole. Fucking asshole. You fucking lied to me. All I get is a fucking text. Fine, I don't expect much from you. Asshole.)

I hope you have a good night. (I hope you die 1000 horrible deaths and eat shit and yet still live to see how awful you are and suffer.)

Sometimes I forget to remember

I thought I was happy not knowing anyone like that.
I thought I could exist in a plane all my own.
But I forgot how easy it is to feel for you, how this feeling inside me sends me sky high.
I know you're good for me.

It's been awhile since I've wanted to get to know someone.
It's been awhile since I've worried I can't say anything right.
But the smile that comes when I think of you, how I wish I could look into your eyes again.
You're good for me.

clouds in my coffee

I have a front row seat, while watching your show
All eyes on you as you enter a room
the center of attention, the eye of the storm

Walking around on a cloud cuz every boy just trips on you; saying your name out loud

You silently assured me that you were mine
while slipping some your number
When your heart beats next to mine
your thoughts thinking of that other, the other night

the words you speak soothed my fears
and your actions seemed to do the same
I could never understand why you didn't set me free
why you had to keep me closer

I'm in love with your words

Why did you have to come along?

I can't remember when I was so captured by someone. Sure I do. But you're part of a select few. I can count your kind on one hand with a couple fingers left over. one: not ready. two: taken. three: you. Why don't you look at me like I look at you? Because that would be what I wanted. I'm not here to cry for me, but to think of you in text. I want you, I've wanted you, and I still do. I still want all three of you. But all three of you have affected me for the better. But now I want you.
I'm scared to make that leap. I'll try to sleep well.
xoxo,
ryan

I've had to work much harder than this for something I want

I'll give you love, if you turn the key.

So I'm back. I survived some rumors of me dating people and why I broke up. And I like to be back to me. Of course I have found someone new to keep my attention, and I'm doing well in my summer class. I don't have much time, but gosh I think swimming is my new favorite sport.

Erotic, Erotic, put your hands all over my stuff...

And help me move! Ugh, moving is going much slower than anticipated. Mostly because I've hit a wall and can no longer fathom even packing a box. But my mom and dad came to town today with their big, huge truck. We loaded the couches in the back and took them to storage. Now that they are there, they are going to stay there, and I don't have to deal with them for a couple months at least. I'm just exhausted of packing.

I did just a few mins ago send out the general text to see what was going on in the world of friends tonight. Last night Cw and I went out and had a blast! It was so much fun to just go out and be wild and crazy. And by wild and crazy, I mean that I didn't have the bf breathing down my neck and pulling me away from any boy that I tried to talk to... be friend or acquaintance. I might have exaggerated there, but sometimes I get tired of him. Lately I've been getting really tired of him. Almost to the extent that I may be getting ready to let him go for good. But I know not for sure. These are rash thoughts that I'm entertaining, all I know is that the freedom was nice and it's been nice not having to work around him, listen to his jokes for the 92,837th time, nor babysit him when he gets drunk. But at the same time, he is a great guy. But I'm wondering if he's great for me.

I talked to a friend today, whom I admire muchly, and he and his bf of 3 years have split. Wow. I was in shock. Upon hearing this news I wanted to raise my hand and shout, "Oh, Oh, pick me, pick me!" He is bright, handsome, fun, easy going, and great to talk to. So of course I intruded some when I asked if there was someone else... he paused and said nothing serious, just a friend, and followed that by saying it's nice to hang around someone that he has a good time with, and who makes him feel good and special. I was going to get a name and an address so I could dispose of this competition, but then realized that I was in a relationship myself already. But if my heart's no longer in it, what's keeping me there?

I saw two guys last night, one of whom I also have had a longstanding crush on, and his bf was so nice and cute. They looked so happy and content together. They have been dating for awhile now, I think one to two years, and they are still like newly-weds. They held hands to go get a drink together, they were by each other all the time, but there was a comfort around them that they did it cuz they wanted to, not cuz they felt they had to. I don't feel like that.

Putting this all into text makes me realize that I either need to work on my relationship or end it to be fair to him. But I know that I don't have what I want, or what I need.

But I don't know. Please don't say you're sorry.

After the bar last night, my friend and I were discussing the cute boys and my friend told me that if I'd tone up, I'd be "freakin' sexy." He then said, "you hide your weight well though." He's seen me in my underwear. I knew what he meant. And he is right. I would have much more confidence if I would just eat right and exercise on a regular basis. Seriously. He then said if I'm not planning on staying with this bf then I need to get back in shape. He was reading my thoughts. He knows. He knows me well, I wonder how. But he has said somethings that are totally my character to the core. But at the same time, I know he doesn't say them out of spite, but that he really cares about me, and he knows that him saying a few, possibly true things about me is not going to challenge our friendship. If your friends can't say it, who can?

So this is a call to arms that I need to get things in order, like my love life, and my body. I'm going to summer school in a little more than a week, and I need to spend a lot of time on that. Anyway, my thoughts need sorting. This was a help.

And Tell Me Boy, Now Wouldn't That Be Sweet?

And I could be your sweet escape.


Once again I think that I'm the last person in the world to get mildy fascinated with Ryan Seacrest. I watched the Wednesday night show last night, and when Ryan was interviewing on the street, or talking to people about the show, his shirt looked soo good on him.

This isn't the shirt, it was just a picture that google image search results yielded.

Moist, warm desire. Fly to me. I'm you Candy-Perfume Boy. The Sacred Nerve is Magic Poison.On to other news:

I have passed all my classes this semester and officially I will be applying to pharm schools. I'm nervous. What if they say no? I'm not going to think about that. Today I also began my official Get-In-Shape-To-Look-Hot-Like-Ryan-Seacrest diet routine. And actually I should say it's a Life-style change.

My goal is to look like Mr. Craig in swimming trunks. I'm tired of having to beware of Capt. Nemo when I'm out in the pool or lake. I wish I could go to the beach. I think it's about time to go to San Diego.

Well, I think it's time for me to go hang out by the pool.

Circles in the sand,
Ryan

Hey you, I don't like your gf, I could be your gf!!

Why am I the last one in the world to finally get into Fall Out Boy? I absolutely love the songs "It's not a Scene, It's an Arms Race" and "Sugar, We're going Down."

The hot guy from the ASU book store is my good friend's new boyfriend. I've know K since before I came out of the closet. His bf, Mr. ASU-Bookstore is a hottie. Wait, Hottie (capital "H"). I'm happy for them.

I went to BS West last night and saw SX. LOVE him. He hooked me up with drinks all night and did it with his pearly smile. Mmm, mmm. He has his own shop on Mill Ave that he makes t-shirts to order. I've had a few shirts made there and I love to go in with an idea and walk out wearing it. I think the store is called Brand-X. If any of you all are in Tempe or visit AZ, you should go. And by you all I mean you, Anthony. I think you're the only one who reads this silly little blog of mine.

I love her.

And if anyone knows who this is, please let him know that I'm open to the idea of a date and then possibly marriage and children. What a beautiful, artistic picture. I hope he likes Madonna. And if not, then I'll become a closeted Madonna fan. For the first date. First five minutes of the first date. I'll try not to introduce myself as Ryan, a fan of Madonna.

xoxo,

Ryan

puer prudentior est quam puer

Probably what the sculptures of Rome in antiquity would pound out on a daily basis. The nobility seemed to have them, and the world today calls it Roman when it's that prominent. Sometimes they don't work on faces, but on his it does. "Mmm, mmm, some thing's coming over me..." I'm stealing peaks like a child behind a pew at church, very interested in the person sitting behind me. But in this case he is on my left. He just stretched, his arms are that of a Greek god.

Anyway this is the end of the school year. And good riddance. I'm done with this place... for a few weeks anyway. I just wanted to get some thoughts out while I give my over-worked, saturated, Economically-challenged brain a rest.

Relationships. I was thinking in the shower today what mine right now is building off from, and what is its foundation. I had trouble defining anything and wonder if it's comfort I feel now or if this is the beginning of love and I'm waiting for the show to start. Or I may just be incapable of feeling anything deeper with my heart. What a great guy he is. But sometimes I want him to go sit over there while I have some time to myself.

A guy that I was interested in, and from what he said, he felt similar said, "When we get together we just talk about us." At the time, it was as if that was a no no. We needed to get together and discuss the world, art, philosophy, government, politics, the social structure, drugs, the rising costs of health care, and when I would be able to meet grandma. But when we got together we just talked about the bazaar attraction we felt for each other. Founded only on the fact that we liked each other. Unexplained. Our common ground was that we enjoyed each others' company and felt good around the other, and so would discuss it. It was only a short week and was doomed from the beginning; he moved on to bigger and better things (a great guy) and I moved on as well. No milk was spilled so no need to cry.
Sometimes I wonder where the relationship would have gone. Would I have eventually gotten sick of his bourgeoisie attitude and kicked his ass to the curb? Or would I have tried to make it work? Would my eyes start to wander? That I'm sure they wouldn't. Even though it never happened completely, I'm willing to bet that it would have been good. And I always found him attractive. But it would never have been able. It was under odd circumstances that we met and spent time together.

Music, Over and Over.

I am beyond happy that I found my ipod. It was in my car. I felt like a dummy. But now the good times can roll once again.

sic te occurro: unus

The snow outside the window made a small loop before the breeze carried it off to its new home. He looked through the photo albums; his thoughts within the realm of the past. What has become of these people he thought.

The sun set in a spectacular show, as I sipped a cocktail with my good friend on his back patio. "So what are we going to do tonight?" I asked him. He responded with an unsure grunt and sipped his wine. The day had been torpid and we were enjoying it; but that's as far as emotion went. The weeks prior were full of running, hectic, loud, must-be-there events. Today we weren't there, or anywhere really. I got up to plop more ice in my drink and noticed that my friend had missed a text. "impromptu party, my house, 8pm." It was from someone he knew and I didn't. "Hey, I took the liberties of reading your text, here." He took the phone, "I haven't heard from him in quite sometime."
8pm we were just getting into the shower. He had a huge shower with what seemed like 8900 water heads, and we had since lost the modesty as well as the Eros for each other. Getting dressed we hemmed and hawed over how much we had gained and how we needed to get back to the gym. I broke a bottle and slit his throat because he was bemoaning his disappearing sculpted abdomen. Which in all reality was as defined as ever. I on the other hand, well, never mind.
At 9pm he drove me to a strange part of the city, or really just a street I had never gone down. But I could easily have found my way to the nearest bar should this party be a bust. I'm vigilant like that. The party was well lit, and full of beautiful men. I surmised most of the group and when the cute host came to greet us, and forgot to even look in my direction, I figured that I'd just make friends with his vodka. Hmm, where is the good stuff, ah, tucked under the counter like most good vodka so that other people won't drink it. I'm sure some saw me open the new bottle, but they might have had to talk to me to interfere. I wasn't too worried about the cuties stooping like that. I'd rather give them fodder to burn for a few minutes as they burn my back with cold words. Besides, after a few sips, they'd be a blur anyway.
I settled into a soft patio sofa near the waterfall to the pool. The water was so blue. It was so well lit. I wondered how much it would cost to fill it with vodka.
"What's your name sexy?" I looked up to see a tipsy man swoop down into the seat next to me. "What great teeth you have, I'm Neil."
"I'm Ryan." I shook his hand and wondered if his dentist used a bull-dozer to get that effect and then commented on the blueness of the pool. He actually did turn out to be a nice guy, despite his poorly lined teeth, and after another vodka soda, I forgot to look for him again. My friend was catching up with old acquaintances and I decided to circumvent the groups standing in the kitchen and dining room, and pretty much everywhere else, and dart through the master bedroom to use the bathroom. I was all alone and rather happy to be in solitude. I finished up and then ran right into the other cute host of the evening. I just smiled and excused myself, embarrassed that he was really cute and I was in his bedroom uninvited. I tried to exit but he grabbed my arm, and said something about how he loves to see attractive men in his room, and then I smiled and said something, I don't remember, since all I could think of was how attracted I was to him, how nice he was, how great of a smile he had, what pretty eyes were looking back at me, and then I became an eagle and flew to the door, landing on my friend's shoulder and regaining my composure. I searched for some water. I will NOT be tipsy in that man's house. I need to gather my wits should he find me again, so I can present myself with poise and dignity.

was 2005 really just two years ago?

Lately I've been dipping into '05 here and there... pictures and such. I think it's because I've just been in touch some with someone who was a major part of my life that year. It's nice returning to some damn good times. I felt like nothing could get better. Everything was going my way. I think that it was definitely a golden time of my 20s. I've been playing with pictures and some thoughts that have come to mind...

A sushi with sake. I don't remember winning or losing. We believed the world was at our feet.

Only the good moments of yesterday seem to remain. The entire nights with out sleeping. Wishing you'd just arrive already.

There was never a bad time, just ingenuity. When I sleep, the silence constructs a time that we shared smiles often, and the lights shone so brightly.
You'd just be lazy and I'd be lazy too. Who knew responsibility would sneak up on you and then on me. Who knew that I'd be writing you letters via snail mail, wishing you were somehow here again, yet so happy for your success.
My eyes wide open and ear full of water. Dreaming a dream of euphoria. Because everything.
I'm not very smart. I knew something was wrong. But I can't feel bad for what I never had. I'll turn to stone and lose my faith before I let it happen again. I'll be gone. Selling out is not my thing. Walk away. I won't be broken again, I won't fall apart.
"I still believe in your eyes. I just don't care what you've done in your life. I'll always be here by your side. Don't leave me waiting too long, please come by. I still believe in your eyes. There is no choice, I belong to your life. I live to love you someday. You'll be my baby and we'll fly away. And I'll fly with you. Every day and every night, I always dream that you are by my side, every day and every night. I said every thing's gonna be alright. And I'll fly with you."

Dream of me. I felt like I was going to explode of so much happiness. But when you go quiet, alone at night. Not at all. Look at me, who to be? Should I give a damn? I don't know who I am. Wishing to find beauty, someone as talented. I can say now you are special, you are someone I still look up to. But now I know that I am special too, special like you.

Some where way up high, as dreams fly with blue birds. They come true, just wish upon a star and look beyond the clouds. No toubles, somewhere. With green and red trees and flowers. Brightness of day, I like to laugh.

And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

I'm not sure, but I think that I don't need to explain myself. We all interact in this life, and we all learn from each other. I have come in contact with some great people, and then some others. I enjoy the effect people have on my life when it's good, but I still learn from the bad. I might write in a script, coded by letters, but to me I let out my heart's and mind's thoughts, yearnings, cries, and joys. I don't know what to say to you except that I'm happy for you, or at least trying to be. Somewhere soul-deep down I still feel that we shouldn't have gone wrong, but stayed right. But trees sprout leaves in the spring; I still water my plants. I see the signs along the road I'm traveling and try my best to read them.

I simply cannot get enough of "Like a Virgin" on the Confession Tour CD. Seriously one of the best songs and renditions of the song as far as I'm concerned... yes I even think better than Blond Ambition.

Erotic

what a week. Last night I was all wiggles and nerves until I got home from work and then c-r-a-s-h-e-d. I don't know why I was sooooo tired. But the pharmacist that I work with gave me her number. I think she would like to go out sometime. I'm open to the idea. Dating a girl again might be good, and who knows, I could fall in love and get married and have children. Or something.

but on the gay side of things, a guy that I hung out with Sat night totally caught my attention. He's totally straight, except he's open to the idea of sex with guys, but he just exudes sexuality. I loved it. Def a sexual being. When I hear Madonna sing "Erotic, erotic, put your hands all over my body... erotica... romance... erotica... romance... I'd like to put you in a trance... (all over me)..." I think of him and just being completely sexual with him. Mmmmm......

Don Ryan Triumphant: The Return

No, that's not me. And really I'm not aspiring to look like that. But if I did I wouldn't complain. I just finally since the fisrt of December, returned to the gym today! I also got over a friend mess-up. Though I don't hold any grudge against him, anymore, I find I do like lower doses of him in my life. And two of my favorite people in the world might be returning to Phx.

So here is my boy situation in plain English:

I was seeing a guy, but he isn't really putting much effort into seeing me. So it's died down and I'm not looking to revive it. He wasn't that much fun anyway, kinda high maintenance... however if he does put some energy into it, I will respond. It's not over, just kinda dying. I'm also talking to another guy but we've tried to date before, there's just still a lot of left over sexual tension. I don't want to date him really, I just want to be sexual with him in a committed kinda way, if that makes sense. But more than likely that won't happen, and that's fine by me.

So for those of you who are long-time readers you might be thinking, "wow, he's not all obsessive over any guy, he's actually just letting things develolpe as they will." Or something similar.

;)

I knew the day was dawning

"She could have easily disappeared into pop obscurity like the other frothy pop tartlets (Cyndi Lauper, Neneh Cherry) who came to fame on nascent MTV in the early 1980s. But Madonna's masterful manipulation of her image and the press, combined with an astute business sense, have crowned her as one of entertainment's wealthiest and most enduring acts. While her albums don't sell like they used to, her concerts still set attendance records all over the world, grossing $1 billion over the course of her 20-year career. The Material Girl's portfolio is also crammed with expensive items like contemporary art, real estate and a wardrobe of no small historical significance." -forbes

I wish that they did, but alas, they don't. But I still love her!

college fever

OMG!!!!!!

This was my horrorscope for today:

"The trouble with some neighbors can be ironed out by simply moving on. You are on automatic pilot today. Offer no opinions but accept any leads graciously and follow them. Soulmate energy could be stalled because of too much attention."

not sure what

I awoke last night to the evil, rude, loud neighbors doing. There was a loud knocking on the wall. Despite that I'm all for copulation, I hate these people. But put up with it anyway. But I decided this morning it's on. I'm going to pound on the wall and begin to make their lives miserable. And I'm out of there at the end of May. Only 4.5 short months away!
But the part that annoys me the most: the power I'm allowing them to have over me. If I hear some loud music or get woken at night I'm pissed and they determine my mood. So now I'm going to try and just look beyond that; learn to be in the mood I want to be in.
On to other news:
I still haven't gotten my ass to the gym. I did run two miles last night and I'm eating much better... trying to stay to the basic groups, away from the preservative stuff and the bad carbs (except breads and pasta and everything like that). I mean like donuts, fast food, etc.
But I'm still far from the physique I want to be. But I'm working there. March 15th is coming quick!

Fire in my core

I've been dealing with some pretty bad heartburn lately. I'm on the ranitidine, but it's not kicking it as well as it used to. I think I need to start eating better. Ugh. I don't want to say good bye to my Jack in the Box, or Taco Bell. Eww. I just read that I eat there and got sick. I think my alter ego was the one who bought it. I'll have to get after her. She is a fat girl after all. I need to skinny her down.

Over a Glittering Cloud

It's been so long since I've been on this thing. I was looking around various shops today and thought that I wanted to really blog again. I thought I wanted to be edgy, thoughtful, sexy, forward. Because that seems to be where I'm at in life. Not that I'm those things, but that I'm ready for change and I'm ready for a new me.

I was talking with my good friends who's visiting from Italy this holiday season and said that I just wanted to be stronger: physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, liguistically, intellectually, etc. The list goes on and on. This though was stemming from talking about how I feel that 2007 is such a strong year, the numbers are strong, 20, 7, even 00. I like the look of them together. And they are all numbers that I've liked in my life. Then next year that will have this effect on me I think is 2013, another strong year.

I like this mindset because I want to get my ducks in a row, so to speak. And for me to get them all in a row I will have to be very disiplined and very strong. The hardest will be myself. I'm naturally very lazy and just let things happen. Sometimes I'm a bomb that ticking and sometimes I explode.

I went to the art walk/first friday that Phx does. It felt good to get out and about. I also felt the creation there, and felt like I wanted to be apart of it. The creation, making things, making things better. Making my life what I want it to be. Finally, doing it. So let's see, I'm going to try my hardest.

weep not for the memories

So a tale of two boys has come to a close. I think I cared a great deal for them, but I never felt like there was much returned to me. I don't have the energy anymore to continue blowing in the wind.
Yeah, I'm kind of a wreck right now. But I'm happy with it, or at least I know that I have done something good for me. I'm sure I could write pages on both of them, but it suffices to say that they are part of the past. I'll look back on the times we shared, and I think I'll smile. I'll only let myself remember the sweetness, not the bitterness.

you left me out

I'm not always like this. It's something I've become. He is dating again. He's not dating me. I blacked him out of my life. It's all over. So dramatic, so over in a flash... I run faster, faster, I wish I could dance with you just one more time. Faster, faster I run from him. Don't blame me, I can't help who I am.
Go, go, go, go, faster, not fast enough. Run before the pain catches up, run faster. No time to look at the stars. No time to start again.

Stop. Wait. Turn around. Would you like to walk back with me? But I think I'll need to be walking for awhile. I wanted to give you my heart. My pain I feel is a real emotion. I'm jealous that you're dating another boy. I'm dark in my corner now that you have wings. I can't look you in the face just yet. I'm still trying to mean it when I will say I'm happy for you. Look at the earth, the brown dust. When will you take me? When will I return to my warm, brown mother? I hoped you would sleep next to me for all our nights and then the long one.

Something I've become. Terrible weakness, but it's my nature, it's my blood. I feel that if you heard me say I love you, you would not listen. It's all over, I don't think you care for me like I do you. I know this, you know this.

Okay, I need to walk alone for awhile now.

Some boys kiss me, some hug me, I think they're okay...

What a weekend. I've been kinda seeing a guy for about two weeks and this weekend I broke it off completely with him. I realized that I was always in trouble with him and for one reason or another I was having to apologize. For stupid things. I just got tired of it. I also realized that I was only really physically attracted to him. He's 21 and pretty darn cute. But for me, that's about where it stopped. So immature and also way too into himself for my tastes. Ugh. Really I'm happy I nipped that in the bud before it got out of hand.

"There are too many questions, there is not one solution... There is so much confusion."
Yesterday John and I went up to Jerome to get the hell out of Phx for awhile. It was wonderful. I totally felt that I left Phx in Phx. Everything that had gotten under my skin was left behind. My head felt clear and I could think. I loved it. The town was so peaceful and QUIET!!! I loved that silence.

School is really beginning to kick my ass. I am so swamped with things to get done and homework and all that. So of course in the middle of it all I find this time to write... lol.

Yesterday my family got family pictures, great people.

many hearts; many years

This year I didn't go to the town's GI fest... known as the "M.E.A.T. Party." I'm not sure why, I didn't get an invitation in the mail... wait, I never got one in the mail. I always got my invite from someone at a bar. But I didn't go to bars much, so I didn't get an invite. And the part that I think of the most is that I really don't care.



I'm not who I was a year ago, thank goodness. I'm at a place in my life where I think I'm back on track. I wasn't myself for a few years, caught up in the glitz and glam of the gay lifestyle... it's fun and exciting. But I think I've learned to take it in moderation. At least I hope so.

Lately there have been a few hoops that I've needed to jump through, a few bumps for which I've needed to slow down. I've had to take a few steps back and think about what is important to me. Family, good friends, good grades in school, honesty, and integrety. I'm doing much better about my budget and I'm also doing much better about homework and getting to the gym and running a few miles.

I find that I'm happier these days as well. And I think I'm finally understanding that happiness really does lie in your own hands. And that's no secret.

Get Ready to Jump

"I'll work and I'll fight till I find a place of my own, it sways and it sings and it bends until you make it your own... I can make it alone!"

Last night I watched Desperate Housewives with N. It was fun, and I could relax around him I found out. He also got me to thinking: I want to get on with it. I've been stuck in a slump for a few weeks now and I need to move on. Not look back anymore. So with school, my apt, my body... I'm moving on. Time for me to learn this lesson and move on to another.

really quickly

So here I am in Hayden Library. I refuse to this day of liberal coffee shops everywhere, to bring a drink into the library. I cannot for the life of me do it. I guess it's a little of the old world still left in me. But right now really what's on my mind is the need to come up with a DNA model of an alien species that doesn't have okazaki fragments and also the telomeres at one end get shorter. I don't know!!! But also I'm comforted by the mass amounts of eye candy that roam this campus... yum. This was just a short break to write to my legions of readers, or really who I think are normal people who just happen to pass by this silly (yet I love it) blog.

So, any ideas on the DNA?

2 Years; Forbidden Love

So as of tomorrow, I will have been doing this blog for two years. And really, I'm quite happy with it. It has been just what I was wanting: a release for my thoughts.

So I continue:

This weekend was amazing, but due to it, I got sick yesterday and some today. I am now just feeling better. It was because I was having too much fun. But the rainbow festival was amazing. I spent it with my good friend CW and we interacted with his and my friends while there. I sometimes wish that there was more of an attraction between us because he would be the perfect boyfriend. But he is also one of the best friends I have. Not that we are constantly hanging out, but that I can trust him 100% and I know that he would be there for me, and he knows that about me.

Though the whole weekend (up until Monday morning) was a blast!, one particular instance remains in my head. That instance is seeing Joe. Joe has been with his bf for more than 10 years, I don't know the exact time, so I know that they are committed, but all the same I know that I have a huge crush on him. I have met him and talked with him many times before. Also, I know that he likes me more than just an acquaintance or as a friend of CW's. In other words there is an attraction between us and I can't help but flirt when I'm near him, and he does the same. CW even told me that Joe's bf was talking to him while Joe and I were talking, and mentioned that we were flirting. So it's no secret. And I'm definitely not going to act on anything. I'd love to, Joe is sexy and nice and someone to whom I'm very attracted. I want to kiss him, I want to experience what he tastes like. I'd like to feel his lips on mine. I'd like to brush his cheek and neck with my lips. That's my fantasy... and the only thing that I will do is continue to work out, jog, and eat right so that if anything, I know that him seeing me will give him a small high, in the sense that he knows that if he wanted me, he could have me.

"...will you look at me, don't know who I'm supposed to be."

Last night I was just thinking about life as I was drifting into slumber, and the thought entered my mind that it's hard to become the person that you know you can be.

I know I can be so much more, I know I am capable of much more. But I'm holding myself back.

I'm learning who I am and who I'm not.

I do a lot and don't do a lot based on fear: Fear of failure, rejection, losing, etc. But I'm not being true to myself. So I need to face my fear.

I may not have a very good idea of all that I am capable of, I just know it's much more than this. I'm wanting to keep a journal on here of how I am improving, how I am going to attain my goals.

"I always wished that I could find, someone as beautiful as you. But in the process I forgot that I was just as good as you."

I'll survive, I know I'll stay alive

These past few days have been hard. I've been going through a low spell lately. I'm trying to lift myself out of it, and it's really taking its toll. I am finding that I'm motivated enough to clean a little here and there, but the whole house (minus the bathroom) needs attention (I never let the bathroom get bad). The kitchen is the major area of concentration when I clean tomorrow!

School is better but I still need to do a lot more studying!

My phisical regeim is still floundering... some days I'm good, others not so good. Ugh.

But tonight I went to a pot luck and was really nice to see some old friends. I miss D. I forget that we really were good friends. I'm happy that I've gotten over my crap and I am able to move on. I like that I have forgiven her, though I really don't know if she needed to be forgiven. I hold no grudge against her is what I'm trying to say.

Lately I have been soo tired. I don't know why.

And finally. I am really crushing hard on my boss. Last night I worked with him and he was a lot of fun, and he was looking good, and all I could think about was what it would feel like to kiss him. But then that might be what keeps work interesting for me... well, that, and I adore my other co-workers. Work is really good for me. I really am blessed to be there with that crew.

Does no one in AZ use connexion.org? I already know that answer. No.

So my friend from the old job text awhile back and said that there was the perfect guy for me. And she's been trying to set us up. While my interested is spiked, and I'm curious to find out who this guy is, I am doing all I can to not think about the future and the "what ifs." But I already have and thus jinxed the whole thing.

There's some optimism for you. hehe.

But I'm actually finally able to breathe freely again. My tests are over and I just finished up my oral presentation in Spanish!!! Yea me!

;0)

Working and going to school Monday through Friday takes up a lot of my time. Sometimes I think that if I can just get to the weekend then everything will be all right. That's when I can go crazy, that's when I can have fun. There is time to be with my friends, I can just come undone.
I don't want to grow up too fast, I'll be part of the working force soon enough. As for now I love the good times and like to make them last. And I'm ready now to get it going, so where's the party?

madonna reinvention tour paris nobody knows me

Here is a decent video that I think best capures the energy on stage... it was amazing!

Top 5 this week

1) "Beautiful Love" - The Afters
2) "Jump" - Madonna
3) "The World is not Enough" - Garbage
4) "Nobody Knows Me" (Live) - Madonna
5) "Can't Take it In" - Imogen Heap

This Show is Over Say Goodbye

I don't want to face it. The notion has been creeping into the back of my mind for a few weeks now, if not a few months: There may not be anyone out there for me. I never thought of that. I just thought that I'd eventually meet the right guy. But with the prospect of leaving Phoenix in less than a year, for the first time in my life, I think that is true. At least for now that is the case. But I'm also taking that and trying to make it in my favor. I can concetrait on homework with out wondering if Mr. Right is going to pass me by. I do that a lot. And I'm sure therein lies the problem. But for so long I have wallowed in self pity that this wake up call is good... though I'd still like to find someone. There are lessons that I still need to learn... I know.

But further news on my boss... he and his partner and I went out Saturday night. They are fun to hang with. And I've decided that while I still have a crush on him, OF COURSE I'm not going to ever act on it. I'm not like that.

Madonna's tour is nearing its end. I can't believe that I saw her, and she let me sing into the mike and did a little dance in front of me. I knew that we were soul mates... lol.

cupio in tacitum

So I'm eating broccoli as a snack now days. I'm serious about getting that Roman-warrior body. Though I'm a far cry from it these days. Last night I went out with my boss. I have a huge crush on him... and I found out that he and his partner are in an open relationship. That got me to thinking: I will become very sexy, with my lean, tough, warrior body and get him drunk and seduce him. Yum.

He also informed me that he scored in the 99% on the PCAT. My competition allele came out of its dormancy and sprang to life.

He asked me if I was husband shopping. I told him that I'm in the store but I'm sitting in the lobby area. I'm not looking, but I'm not not looking. It'd be nice to find someone who seemed to get me and my unusual ways, and still liked me for me. Though I'm beginning to think that he is just as mythological as some of the ancient Roman heroes.

It's never easy to let go. Even when the evidence begins to increase, and all signs are pointing away, and there are even red flags and a few sirens, it's still hard to let go of someone who was a major part of your life.

But I know that for reasons I can't see clearly right now, I need to let go.

Breathe in, breath out.
I say a little prayer.
How the gods above, could be so unfair.

I know there's someone out there,
waiting for me.
There must be someone out there,
there just has to be.

Go on, go on.
Don't sit there like a fool.
You've graduated from a different kind of school.

I should be glad, that I'm alive.
It could have been much worse.
I might have never loved at all,
and known what I am worth.

How the gods above could be so unfair?

I know there's someone out there,
waiting for me.
There must be someone out there,
there just has to be.

School has begun and I'm taking up a valuable computer in the library to write this while waiting for my next class to begin. I'm finding that I'm not so good at interim stuff. But as long as there are emails to write and computers to disable for the truly scholarly seeking library information, I should be just fine.

That Colorful State

Just when you think you are strong, you remember you're weak.
Just when you think the light is brighter, a cloud covers the sun.

The casualty takes on the guise of a butterfly.

And flies around with its painted smile.

Untouched by reality, untouched by the movement of time.
Just taking precautions that nobody hears us leave.

MAD TV- Dot

This is my favorite!

Mad TV - Dot's Missing Glove

off to San Diego, and final time. But this made me laugh.

learning curve

His eyes were dark and no end could be seen, like peering into a well. I lowered my eyes contemplating what he was saying to me. All I could think about though were that his eyes reminded me of a weasel. I had never seen a weasel's eyes before, but I was sure they would resemble his. He was still talking. I focused on his lips moving. He had great lips. They were soft and fun to kiss. What a shame that I was cutting myself off from them. They were the lure into his lair. Not that I was prudish, but I knew that with this one, I couldn't keep it at just a physical level. He knew that about me too, and still he was out for himself.

His words were pretty, but his actions spoke volumes.
He simply cannot be trusted.

And he admits openly that he cannot be trusted. Like I should just roll my concerns up in a handkerchief and put them in my pocket since he admitted to it.

I won't walk away, but I'm not going to stand around either. I have already stood around waiting for something that would never come (and only because the one I knew I could live with sailed across the ocean, but that is a different story).

But the weasel has left the state for a few weeks. My repose. I need to to get over him completely and no longer allow myself to fall under his spell. Sometimes I think my heart likes to be all hurt and only thinks of itself. I wish it'd get over itself and let me live. And then I laugh to myself; the weasel and my heart would get along fine. Just not me.

jump into empty

Feeling the rain drip from my eyes.
Silent waters escaping with my hope.
My soul fills with numb empty.
Time is slow in healing my heart.
Time has become my opponent.
My soul learns to pass each second.
Silent waters collect in puddles.
Feeling the rain drip on my fingertips.

on my own - just some thoughts

Last night the electricity went out. Luckily I had already made plans to go to dinner with a friend. Course I was his last resort since all his other friends had already made plans. But since I couldn't write the report, there was no point in staying at home. Dinner, ice cream, and then a drag show at a bar downtown. We saw some people there, some he was just getting to know and the same ones, I have known for quite sometime and acutally used to hang out with.

Just how quickly do I let friends go? Or do I get bored of people and move on? Maybe I'm looking for something and still haven't found it.

What do I enjoy in friends? I love to have conversations. Last night Na and I had a wonderful conversation during dinner. There was no real depth to it, no arguing, it was just very enjoyable talking about the shootings going around, about a cute guy in the resaurante, about our food, about a bazillion other things. He even commented that it was a conversation like we had on the first night we met. Maybe our friendship is like a sine curve, and the reason we get along so well is becuase we started at the peak or maximum of the curve, and have cycled through to the peak again.

interesting

Jeannette Wall's The Scoop column on MSNBC.com has picked up on the 'Madonna radio boycott' story that Billboard reported last week:
Singer’s fans have organized a petition demanding justice for Material Girl. Is Madonna the subject of a Dixie Chicks-like boycott? Songs from the Material Girl’s latest album, 'Confessions on a Dance Floor,' have been hits around the world, but hasn’t fared as well in the U.S. Some fans are alleging that radio stations owned by Clear Channel - a company with strong ties to the Republican party - are refusing to play her music because of the pop star’s comments blasting George Bush and the war in Iraq. Madonna has been an outspoken critic of the war and during her current 'Confessions' concert tour, makes obscene comments about President Bush. Clear Channel stations were said to be key in keeping the Dixie Chicks’ music off the air after one of them made highly publicized comments about being 'embarrassed' to be from the same state as George Bush. Nearly 5,000 Madonna fans have signed a petition that’s being sent to Clear Channel head Mark P. Mays, accusing the company of keeping the singer off the radio airwaves. 'The evidence that there is a boycott from American Radio is too obvious for words....Madonna rules the planet, EXCEPT for the USA,' according to the petition writer, who went on to note that Madonna holds the two top positions in the United World Chart, but a number of petition signers report that when they request Madonna’s music, they’re told by Clear Channel-owned stations she’s too old or not popular enough. A spokesman for Clear Channel told the Scoop he had no comment on the alleged boycott. 'It's not to say we won't have comment in the future - just not right now,' he said.

I hope it rains

The sky is overcast. But it's still 100+ degrees out there. I want it to rain. I'm almost ready to just drive to a city where it will rain. I want to sit in a cafe near a window so I can watch it. Or rent a room for the night and let the curtains be my shroud.

Sometimes, I remember. And the small hole in my heart, the one I am trying so hard to patch up, opens wide and takes me in.

That is why I want it to rain.

I went far too long, far too intense when I was younger. I forgot about me, and lost me. I know where I stand now, but it's very easy to slip back into yesteryear. But I have learned to not look back, but press forward. That is the only way I know to move on. I also have to move on despite where I would like to stay.

up and coming

The song going through my head, and the song playing on the stereo is "Speeding Cars" by Imogen Heap.

The lyrics that run from neuron to neuron are "...it's just textbook stuff, it's in the ABC of growing up..."

I always wanted other people so listen to her quiet wisdom, and then I realized that they applied to me. I'm still sumbling and fumbling about in my heart-brain connection. I'm trying to get things in order and it's not coming along as quickly as I'd like it to be.

But safety first, don't push please, what's the hurry?

Slowly my feet are returning to the ground after they were temporarily unglued from the cement, and I was able to escape and fly for a time.

up and coming

The song going through my head, and the song playing on the stereo is "Speeding Cars" by Imogen Heap.

The lyrics that run from neuron to neuron are "...it's just textbook stuff, it's in the ABC of growing up..."

I always wanted other people so listen to her quiet wisdom, and then I realized that they applied to me. I'm still sumbling and fumbling about in my heart-brain connection. I'm trying to get things in order and it's not coming along as quickly as I'd like it to be.

But safety first, don't push please, what's the hurry?

Slowly my feet are returning to the ground after they were temporarily unglued from the cement, and I was able to escape and fly for a time.

another day

To give you an insight on how amazingly dull my life is, the highlight was when a friend came over so we could go grocery shopping together. Lately it has become a group effort because he isn’t leaving the house much since in exactly one week, he will be in Tucson preparing to take the Bar Exam tomorrow, in a week. So in an effort to make the most of every minute, he has combined necessary chores with socializing. He feels that he has had human connection while at the same time he is able to buy bread and sustain his life one day more. This makes perfect sense. If you’re studying for the bar.
I on the other hand, really have no excuse or real social life for that matter other than sitting at home pretending to study for physics and I am constantly cleaning up the apartment. I can’t prove anything, but I swear there are some gnomes that come into the apartment when I’m not here and trash the place. And by trash the place I mean they use dishes and don’t wash them when done, and leave lots of papers around my desk, and worst of all, they get that black stuff and make sure it gets all over the bottom of the bathtub so I have to scrub it every four days just to keep somewhat clean, because the next time I go to take a shower, yup, there’s the black stuff again. But I should add that Tuesdays are extra busy because I have to water the seven plants that live, or mostly live, in my house. But I love them, and I tell them that. And I think I have four of the seven fooled. But definitely not the fern. I have to keep an eye on him. I think he’s got the potential to become unruly. I do have a job at a restaurant, but due to scheduling conflicts I don’t work there a lot. But I am hoping to find a job at a pharmacy soon.

as of lately

More often than not, these days, I find that I really don't have a lot to say. To friends. To family. To myself even. I wish that I had the answers, or a remark, or even something germain to perpetuate the conversation. But I don't.

I might be meloncholy these days. I can't say why. My life goes on but not the same. I was touched by people. I know that I lived a lot of life in a short and small time. Now I'm playing catch up for my already spent time.

But it was worth it. Well beyond worth it.

I've got some bemoanings to do, and dwell on negative things, but I won't. Not tonight. I've also got a lot of reasons to be happy. Good friends who make me dinner on a Sunday night. Sweet people who live half way across the world who have made my life better. Family that will stick by me in the think and thin.

I'm blessed.

I just wish that I could solve problems I see people I care for go through. But they need those trials. That is the only way that they will learn. And as a friend, all I can do is be there to dust them off, pick up pieces if needs be, extend an encouraging word, be there just to give a hug.

I am trying to be positive and I want that positive energy to circulate in my life and those with whom I come in contact. So much to be grateful for, so much to make me smile.

Yes, I am happy.

you know who you are

When do you lie? When do you tell the truth? Do you laugh when you're happy? Do you cry when you're sad? Do you remember when you were young? On a clear day do you see forever? In the early morning can you hear angels whisper? When with friends do you feel love? If you're alone do you let down your guard? Or is it from yourself that you're running? Do you know who you are?

I've been so high, to the sky. I've been so down, to the ground.
I was so blind I could not see, your paradise is not for me.

But I remain in your life with a light above my head.

should I just swallow the hot coal? or take a bow?

What to do when you think your heart is going to burst right out of your chest? What to do when you think you must be dreaming, when all five of your senses have been heightened, when reality seems to have taken a momentary detour leaving you in something sur-real? Euphoria settles in and all reason leaves. You give in to everything you know you shouldn't.

But just as quickly as it began, it is over. Reality comes rushing back to take hold of your existence once again. What do you do?

I took a bow, the night was over, the masquerade had ended.

But was it me that was acting? I wonder if when you say your lines, do you feel them? Do you mean what you say when there's no one around, watching you watching me?

I'm not in love with you, but I could easily should I let myself. But I think it's better to end this show before you get to the part where you break my heart. You play the clown so well, you deserve an award for the role that you played.

But neither one of us know which way this story will go. You're my lonely star, someday you'll know who you are.

musings

I was cleaning out my closet today and wow there was a lot of junk that I got rid of and re-organized everthing. When I moved in, I was so tired of unpacking that a lot of stuff just got thrown in the closet.

So today I finished unpacking. I came across some old stuff from years gone by: an old journal from the mission, a book full of writings that people had written for me when I left that country, some old papers I wrote in freshman English. These were all memories that I placed back in their boxes and hopefully in years to come I will enjoy finding them again.

And then there were a few items that belonged neither on the shelf or in a box. They were the space clutters as I call them. They are out since there is really no place for them. "I should just throw them away." That is what I thought about them, but the instant afterwards I knew that I couldn't. They didn't have a special space or carefully wrapped and stored in a box. They weren't on display on a shelf somewhere. But all the same, they belonged.

Aren't there things in life that we don't know where they really go? But they are in our lives and should they be thrown out or dissapear, we would realize their absence?

An old Abercrombie cologne box that I have and just keep a few odds and ends in... nothing really important, but I can't bring myself to throw it away. It gets tossed aside everytime I clean, yet I always fish it out of the trash in the end. Does it have sentimental value to me? It might but I can't really place a memory to it. It's just been around for a long time and I can't get rid of it. I'm by no means a pack rat. I tossed quite a bit of stuff, including some old high school papers that I'd been holding on to for no real reason. Some old binders got the boot.

Sometimes I wish that I had a laptop. Just so I could lay in bed and type down all my thoughts as they enter my head. It seems that the 12 feet from my bed to the computer desk is enough time and distance to dissolve any brilliant ideas I have while laying down, watching the fan make its endless rotations, both of us wishing we lived in a place where it didn't have to constantly be in motion.

But for breakfast I had toast with boysenberry jam. Yum.

The day looks like it's going to be hot today. So much for thinking I might trail run today. But there's always tomorrow, though for some strange reason, I don't think I will be getting up at 6am to go running.

Last night a lot of the past people in my life were out and about. It was kinda weird when you remember how you two used to be pretty darn close and always had a good time and for some undefined reason, yet definitely a reason, you now just look at each other when glancing up from your conversation with the same regard as a stranger. In some aspects it's good, in others it's creepy that people could be so cold.

Do we give to just get something? Do we want something back?

When we no longer feel that we are getting what we need, do we turn our backs? Or do we overlook the lack of reciprocation? Maybe that is why we love and cannot for the life of us define love. It's that endless mass of energy that fills in the cracks where our mortality simply cannot cover. It bends and molds to how we need it to be. It comes in varying forms, from common courtesy to passionate love to a quiet friendship. That's how we make sense of putting up with the constant flaking out of some friends while others get the slip and we "forget" to return their text messages.

Or why we still call our mothers even though she will in one way or another add in the conversation that we need to leave our wicked ways and return to the light of God... "So you made chicken last night? I always knew you were a good cook, just like you are a strong person, are you going to go to church on Sunday? You have to work at it to get a testimony." And I reply, "the chicken was good, but I liked the tomato based sauce better."

Don't ask the question, it has no answer.
The blinding light of the city, find it there.
Sidewalk illusions to try your soul.
Are you good enough? Am I good enough?

Famous places, foreign places, I've traveled them all.
Trading in the starlight only to see traffic lights.
The lead in my bones in the morning.

Take away my city girl,
Take her far away.
Take away my city girl,
Take her far away.

Little boats, little shoes, little hopes, little dreams.
The night air on my skin illuminated by neon.
Coffee rings hold no wisdom, silence no action.
Why would I want them to be you?

A stolen touch the last stolen glance, last breath.
Reflection in the water in the eye.
A substitute for the truth, for life, for love.

Take away my city girl,
Take her far away.
Take away my city girl,
Take her far away.

hello, here I am. are you there C

I know that the internet is not the best place to bare your soul, but I do it because I need to know that anyone heard my thoughts. But today I do it so if by chance, he will read these words. At least I know that I did what I needed to do. I can't call or email him. I can't be direct. So I write to C.

You were the best friend I ever had. I see just how rich my life has become because you were in it. Thank you. You will never know just how profoundly you have affected my life.
I thought that I would not be able to live or breathe unless you were doing it with me. But you are. Though time and distance separates us we still breathe together, and that is enough for me.
I will always keep you in my heart, and when you creep into my thoughts I will no longer push it back but take time to think of you, and just how special you are to me.

mi orito

I watch the light slowly fade from the sky. I connect to the shadows as they fall, remembering the dark versus the light.
The sun turns a soft, golden face to the world for just moments more, before disappearing for another night.
The leaves wave in the gentle breeze as if bidding adieu to the long summer day and welcoming the cooler evening air.
I may have lived so much life in such a small and such a short time, that I didn’t even notice my own funeral.

The evening falls and the sun’s last few rays mingle and reflect from the moisture collected at the corners of my eyes.
As our short time together grew to a close, I fought to keep reality at bay, wanting our lives to intertwine forever.
When I was with him, I was a different person. I was carefree, I was all smiles, I was confident in the future. I placed my life on hold so as to be apart of his. Ashamed of the boring life I lead until he came, bursting into mine.

Just as magnesium burns with the luster of the noon day sun, our time at each other’s side shone like a sign to the future.
But just as quickly and intense as it burned, the light vanished and I was left in darkness. Wondering what became of us.
The sun’s last light bravely challenges the horizon, but as the cycle dictates, darkness has come to take its place.
I draw the curtains and turn on a small lamp. The dim, gold light it exudes brings a small smile to my face. I loved him.

And what you love can never let you go.

no one thinks of you, quite the way I do

I was watching the "Inevitable" music video. I haven't seen it too many times, but this time it struck me that she is singing a sad song about losing her lover in front of 1000s of screaming fans.

This caused me to think: Here she was with thousands of people loving her and screaming for her and yet she can only think about the loss of her man. When you lose the person who means the most to you, everybody else just becomes part of the background. You really don't notice that they are there or not because the one that you love isn't there.

Human, we are all too human.

I'm sure we've all been there. Probably more than once. But we always return to love and find someone new. After time of course. I'm a true believer that time heals all wounds.

Here are the English lyrics of "Inevitable" as sung by Shakira. Whether or not she translated them matters not. They are the closest translation in meaning I've ever hear a song translated from Spanish to English.

To be true I must confess, making coffee I'm a mess.
Don't know anything 'bout football.
Been unfaithful once or twice, cannot even win at dice,
As for watches I don't use one.

To be completely honest no one thinks of you, quite the way I do.
It's all the same to you now.

To be true I must confess, I never sleep at 12 or less,
Never take a bath on Sundays.
Since I'm telling you so much, I cry in earnest once a month,
When the weather turns to freezing.

With me nothing is easy, only you can tell,
you know me so well.
(without you everything's a bore)

(chorus)
The sky has seen a million rain drops fall, the hours seem to crawl.
And every day that passes is the same, just like yesterday.
I can't find anyway to forget you because to keep on loving you is inevitable.

Always felt that is was true, when we talk about us two,
I should be the first revealing.
I'm sure you know what's going on, nothing's better since you're gone.
At the very least I'm breathing, and you won't be returning.
Nothing left to tell, I know you so well.
(what will I ever do without you)

(chorus)

Always felt that it was true, when we talk about us two,
I should be the first revealing.

001 Shakira - Ciega, Sordomuda (Music Video Clip)

LOVE IT!

Shakira - Inevitable

This is also a song I love.

Shakira Ojos asi music video Spanish

This was my fist loved song by Shadira!

soapbox

So I'm breaking from the frenzy of information, and decided that I wanted to write notes on that Emerson speech. So I printed it out and began again. One of the things that jumped out at me was when he spoke of, "a people too busy to give to letters any more."

Well that sparked my memory, and I remember when no-so-many days ago, I used to get really nice emails from this guy N.

I think that we learned a lot about each other through those letters, and are most likely a reason why I feel like I've already known you for quite some time. And I think that Emerson may have been foretelling of an age when society is too caught up in being busy that it forgets to slow down and be personable with the other inhabitants of this world. Sure you know someone, but do you really know someone?

One of my favorite quotes is by Thomas Moore: "We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversation with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and risk."

You and I both know how difficult it is to open up and be honest with others... heck, we know how difficult it is to be open and honest with ourselves. But the recompense for doing so not only builds a strong relationship, but edifies oneself. I learn more of who I am and what makes me tick. Just like a therapist. A while back my aunt and I would talk for hours, ranging from our favorite works of art to who's dating who to why we want to relocate to Dallas to why we are so messed up in the head.

I'm not saying that you and I should feel compelled to do so, or that I'm looking to find something like what my aunt and I shared. I believe that every relationship is different, and it takes on the characteristics best suiting the included persons. But I am saying that the lines, the ideas that we have exchanged have been enjoyable for me and something good. I realized that even though we talk pretty much everyday, letter writing is a medium that has its own benefits, and allows certain ideas and subjects to develop and possibly form into more eloquence, thus being a necessary form of communication. Could you imagine me telling you this over the phone or text? LOL
So Emerson sparked me to take a break and let you know this via a letter.

I am looking forward to learning more of what The American Scholar has in store, but it seems it's time for study again.

Hope your day is going well and dinner with your uncle was nice. And you already know, but it seems appropriate to say it again, I'm proud to call you friend.

Truly,
ryan

the "lost" portion of the letter

I think I just worry about you. You said that I reminded you of a big bother. Maybe somehow, for some reason, I feel responsible for you in this big bad city Phoenix.

There's been a tough learning curve for me and I think I want to help you avoid that, or at least be there for you when you fall. Though I don't know what you've been through or what state you're in now. Maybe this is my subconscience thinking that I'm finally a trainer, and you're my greenie. Though I'm sure I'm far more green than you in many areas.

I care a lot about you, but I know that I'm at a point in my life where I cannot love you any more than that of a devoted friend. That may change in the future, but only time has that answer.

something I found interesting

What do you do when you find out that a part of the reason why your ex-best friend decided to quickly exit your life, is now calling that small reason boyfriend?

We were joined at the hip -almost- for quite sometime. Then, within weeks, I never heard from him again. He tried to act as if we could still hang out... when we happened to see each other out. But one night I slighted him by not even recognizing his presence. He got mad. And I buckled like I was the bad guy. I'll admit I was not wholly innocent in the matter but I was going through a tough time of my own. But I was still going to stay friends, after all, don't friends do that?

But he decided that no longer having me in the picture was best. And I didn't mind so much... afterall I wasn't totally innocent, as I said.

I tried a few nice emails, and he cordially returned them.

And then out of the blue, I get an email from "the small reason" full of pictures of their trip to Mexico.
So I'll give back ground on "the reason." I dated this guy for about three weeks. It took me that long to realize that he was a user, he was selfish, and without ambition. I didn't feel like getting caught up in a slug. So I bailed... on the night when he and I were supposed to hang, and he opted to watch a movie and spend the night with another guy.
This was for the better. Sure I was mad, felt betrayed, but he pointed out that we were only "just talking." True. But I ended it anyway, with a rather immature text, but oh well, shame on me.
I had another friend who had a huge crush on "the reason." I dated "reason" anyway, not listening to reason. I broke the number one friend rule. Shame on me.
So the ex-friend was upset with my behavior. Then the grand exit.

I don't know details of his reason for leaving my life so quickly, and I really thought that with time we would work things out, not to become what we were, but at least to be friends again.

But I realized that after seeing that he is dating one of my cast offs... not that I'm a casanova, and really this ex-friend is an amazing guy, I realized that I no longer want to try and make friends with him again. I completely got over him, us, the friendship.

Ex-friends. I'm okay with that being us now. I still think things a bit funny, and can't help but raise my eyebrow at his tactics. But then they might be in love. Just like he was in love with the pilot, with the model, with the guy after the pilot.

I think I might feel pity for him. We all lie in the beds we make. And I've laid in plenty of uncomfortable ones... but still, I find things peculiar.

But this is good, I no longer feel guilt or responsible for what happened. I feel like I've become wiser from all this. And I find that I'm much happier, now that I know he has his "reason."

exactly an hour

That was how long it took me to grow up, put the past behind me, admit my faults, and move on, and return his text.

A friend, a cordial friend, is the space I have decided to accept that he fits into my life. Him living in El Paso will allow the heart to heal in no time, but I hope I never forget what I was, what I became, how I acted, and how to accept that sometimes I'm not perfect. But most importantly to learn from it.

I'm not sure why my heart latches on to some people and not to others, but I am learning still about myself. I'm getting closer each day to who I am, and understanding that sometimes I need to not allow myself to even entertain certain thoughts.

5:27 p.m. I was going to fade him from my life.
6:27 p.m. I allowed a new friend into my life.

out of the cloud

I was not myself for the past two days. I was someone I used to be. I digressed. Flirting via text and phone calls to a guy in El Paso for the past three weeks got my hopes up for when he would be in town this weekend. Despite the great conversations and such, there wasn't any passion. There was no magic. I knew this from the beginning. But I, as I do so well, turned a blind eye to it. I held on to the image I had created in my mind. I have done that so often in the past. I knew the signs, I knew the actions, I knew the friendly courtesies void of emotion. I knew what was going on. Finally last night it hit me in the face... POW! But glad that it did. It was just an affirmation that I need to be alone, I need to be on my own.

Talking with Ami, it became apparent that I need to not even entertain the idea of a relationship in any form beyond that of a friendship with anyone right now. I need to be just Ryan for awhile. I think I need to decide on a time frame. I think it needs to be a long time. I think for the remainder of the year I will not date anyone, I will just concentrate on me. This will be something I need to practice at.

But on the plus side, I met some really nice people through him. One of his friends is a painter and another is a lesbian that has really got it going on. I wish I could have her determination and confidence. The bf of the painter was really sweet and mostly spoke Spanish which allowed me to practice with him. This guy wasn't a bad guy either. There just wasn't something there on his part. He was on vacation. He wanted to go out, he wanted to meet new people. He didn't want a weekend bf as I was thinking we would be. I lose who I am sometimes.

"Jesus Christ will you look at me, don't know who I'm supposed to be. Someone say if I should give a damn, when you're around, I don't know who I am. I always wished that I could find someone as beautiful as you, but in the process I forgot that I was special too. I always wished that I could find someone as talented as you, but in the process I forgot that I was just as good as you." -madonna

Are you ever on myspace just looking around and you see someone that you haven't seen in FOREVER and you used to hang out and stuff and you wonder, "why did I ever lose touch with him/her?" And then you click on to read about said person and within the first four words you remember exactly why you allowed yourself to forget him/her?

Me too.

better man

I feel closer to what I'd like to be. I have been getting things done that are in line with my goals. I also am learning to be flexible where if something went wrong in the morning then the whole day was shot. Not so much lately. I am finally getting to the point where I am doing things that I know I need to be doing.

An example was that I needed to get a jump start on a lab report last night and as I began at 9:45 my friend texted me and was going to be at a favorite bar of mine. I really wanted to meet him out. But I knew that if I went out it would be a long night and a bad morning. So I resisted. And I'm happier for it. My time to play and go out will come around soon enough. That I am sure of.

I also broke it off with a guy that was thinking we were dating and I set him straight. Not to be mean, but I could tell that he was getting too attached and it was time to tell him so before he got too involved. He took it hard.
But he knew I didn't want a relationship... he told me he looked at us as a companionship. Um, that's a relationship buddy. And a monogamous companionship at that. Can you say committed relationship? I'm happy I got out of that before too late. Not that I want to be a slut, but I want to just date right now. I was happy just dating him casually and hanging out. But he wanted more. Ugh. I hate when things get messy.

but in the process I forgot that I was just as good as you

Do we ever really stop learning about ourselves? I like to think that we don't. I went to dinner tonight with a guy that I had been seeing and though I didn't plan on it, I told him that I was only in the friendship frame of mind. He knew it was coming. He said that it still hurt, but of course it does.
He said that he is still trying to figure out what he wants in life. He is a successful guy so he's not wanting for much, but he still is searching. I could tell. I am too, which brings me to my question of whether or not we ever really know ourselves fully. I think that we can get close, but there's always something else to figure out.

Anyway I was just musing on that. Madonna's X-Static Process song is amazing on that subject. One of the most influential women in the world still isn't quite sure of who she is. I think that half the fun of life is getting to know who you are.

it all became a silly game

I find I have changed my mind. Realizing certain things about oneself. No substitute for love... none for life either.
I have hoped and tried. I realized that the reason I'm feeling so along is because i've abandoned myself. I am understanding that I'm tired of being the good guy. I'm tired of being there for others. I am sounding selfish right now. I will still be a friend to my friends, but what I'm saying is that I'm no longer going to try and be in people's lives.

I've had a change of heart, time for a brand new start. No more handsome faces, no foreign places, no more buying what I can't. No more heart to steal or give. No fire, no spark, no illusions.

I'm facing the truth and am going to forge my way, and I won't be waiting for you to come around this time. Don't expect me to be waiting when you're ready. I'm just at a place in my life where I can't anymore. I can't.

Cappuccino: it is what it is

My friend got me an espresso maker for my birthday. Wow. It was amazing getting that. He told me that he knows I will appreciate it and it's a gift. Nothing is expected in return. I'm not ready for a committment or even to try and date someone. We are what we are.

I saw an ex-friend last night. It hurt. The whole time we were talking I was remembering the friendship we had. I don't know exactly what I did to drive him away, but I know that I am not wholly innocent. But in the midst of talking I realized that he was over and done with it. He held no grudges, yet had no desire to ever become friends again. It hurt. We are what we are.

I will have to do some fancy dance work at school to correct my mistakes but there is a light of hope over my head. I have hit the bottom. But life will be okay. I will make it what it is.

methinks I saw an illusion

The place was Melorse Ave. I was waiting for my friend to come out of Urth Cafe with his drink. The sky was cloudy, the day was perfect. Especially to a phoenician.
A saw a guy approaching. At my first glance I thought that here comes another perfect LA guy. Since I didn't have much else to do, I watched his approach under the cover of my sunglasses.

But as he came nearer I felt drawn to him. I looked in his eyes and saw his soul. I knew that I could love him. I knew that we were meant to be.

He kept walking. But I stopped breathing. I had never been affected by someone on the street like that. No words exchanged. He held my eyes with his for seconds. The world slowed down and all others and even the street and sidewalk disappeared. Then it was over. I was back in life.

I'd never try to find him, I didn't want to chase after him on the street. The energy we shared was as it was supposed to be. He was a beautiful man, and the illusion I lived in for a few moments was beautiful as well.

catch up

I saw Madonna open in LA. She was amazing. I can't wait to see her again here in Phx.

Yesterday I turend 26. Went to dinner with close friends last night and had a good time.

Have decided that I'm going to try and not be so pessimistic about life and love. But I'm also not going to be stupid any more either.

Co-Dependant

A new word, only because I feel it might apply to me. A lot.

Do I validate myself on the admiration of others? Am I threatened when there is someone with bigger arms and a more narrow waist getting more attention than me? Do I surround myself with people who will make me feel fabulous?

I don't know, but I'm afraid that I think so.

What do I do? I think I will start by just being alone, then hopefully I'll transition into being just me. Secure. I'll have to gain strength.

I'll be a process. wow.

My life goes on, but not the same...

We are giving friendship a try. I miss him. But I know that it is right. I know that we simply do not fit.

Even though this is the right thing, I still need time, it is the only thing that will help my broken heart heal.

In the process I forgot that I was just as good as him. I was turning to stone and losing my faith. That is why I needed to end it.
But he was kind, he was sweet. He was patient.

But we both agreed that we are looking for different things, and we really weren't working out.

My life goes on, but not the same...

Drifting

Last night I went out and had an emotional affair. It was nice being the center of his attention. It was fun being something he couldn't get enough of. I liked the complements finally being returned.

do you believe in love at first sight?

I don't. I know it's an illusion as Madonna says. I don't even think I beleive in love after a few months. Today I felt like I was not really a major part of his life. I thought that if I broke it off completely that he wouldn't care and may be releived that the thorn in his side is finally gone.

I wish he'd give me some indication that he'd like me to stay.

I know that the time draws near that if he doesn't do something more, I am going to have to end it. I can't pretend to like what's going on between us for much longer.

I recently hung out with some great friends... kinda my possie if you will.


Good times with good friends.

it's been a long time

I have not forgotten you my blog. I just started another that I seem to connect with better. Aren't blogs about the person who is writing them? When does it convert to a readers' blog? When there are ads and sponsorship?

Dooce.com just published a lot of emails full of hate about her site. I thought it was her site and it would evolve with her. I know that I feel like (be it ever so little) my writing has changed. If those readers don't like her blog they ought to move along. I don't read it daily and sometimes I find I'm not too inerested into the subject matter but usually check it in a few days to see what's happened and find there are at least a few posts I really like...

Anyway I think I'm just up set that in all facets... there are always a few people who demand to be entertained, like she is a trained monkey and forget that the writer is a complex human being, just a small, small fraction of her life and personality is portrayed online. At least I know that online I come across as totally insecure and my heart on my sleeve, but mostly isn't me, and sometimes is true, like when I'm writing something on here.

laugh to keep from crying

I've kept a lot bottled up inside of me. I never realized I was doing this until my sister said tonight on the phone, "Ryan, you've been out of work for a week and just now you are telling me." My feeble reply was that I didn't want to burden people with my mess.
So yeah. I was fired. For "excessive internet usage." I think the details are a bit sketchy since I kept an email browser open and would read blogs intermittently throughout the day and so did quite a few other people, but I was let go. Oh well, it's in the past. C'est la vie.

Then I blew up at the guy I'm seeing. I spilled that I felt I was doing all the work in the relationship and he was planning on bailing out on me. He said I sounded like I'm stressed. Well, he's right. There is so much I'm longing to tell any willing ear. But nothing new that I haven't filled the ears already of both my mom and dad, good friends, and the more-than-a-friend.

I was scared to say what I'm feeling. I'm frightened that he will slip away. The one major hang up that I always have to deal with and in the end usually costs me everything is that I truly believe that I'm not worth loving. So I can't comprehend that anyone would stick around me for me. With time they will realize there isn't much to me and get bored and leave. Insecure. I know.

But I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. So I try and keep my mouth shut.

As far as the job, it was a blessing in disguise. I'm going to take out a loan and go to school more than full time. I'm going to end strong and graduate. I need to get into a pharmacy school, graduate and then deal with bills and the color of couch pillows.

So right now I do laugh to keep from crying.

Joining the Clouds

The breeze felt nice tonight as I walked to deliver the rent check. There were people out with their families going to the car or walking their dogs to let them do their dooty.

I've gone through a lot in the past 24 hours. Something that cut me to the quick. But I made it through. I told a lot of people that I can't cry over spilt milk, but rather look ahead with a fighting spirit in my soul. There's still a large amount of uncertainty and I do what I can to wade through that.

I think this blog is a diary blog of sorts. It is what it is. All too much I've heard that expression. But it seems now that I'm wrapping my neurons around it. I'm still befuddled that so many people read this thing on a daily basis. I think 20 - 30 stop by a day. That's plenty for my small tastes. I like to read blogs and hope that I can provide something beneficial for those who read; be it a chuckle that this guy is crazy... ;)