Cinco

1) Intervention - Madonna
2) Heat of the Night - Aikawa Nanase
3) Overdue Goodbye - Anastacia
4) No Games - Breaking Benjamin
5) En Medio de Nada - OBK

My Fuuucking Drunk Post #2

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My Somewhat Stormy Weather Soundtrack

Intervention - Madonna
Breathe - Erasure
Utopia - Alanis Morisette
El 28 - La Oreja de Van Gogh
Nothing Fails - Madonna
Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice
Forget It - Breaking Benjamin
Mariposa - La Oreja de Van Gogh
Watermark - Enya
Moscas en la Casa - Shakira
Sunday - 10000 Maniacs
Talvez - Paulina Rubio
Ode to My Family - The Cranberries

"In the Blink of an Eye, Everything Could Change"

For the record, I think that C wrote one of his best posts ever. Carrie Bradshaw definitely has some competition... ;-)

I went to coffee plant to meet up with an old friend last night. Kind of funny how we met: I had seen him out and thought he was cute. Months past and I just saw him around here and there. I was content with the eye candy relation we had. Then I found that one of my friends knew him. So the introductions were made. He was nice. Really nice and really cute. Time pasted and a few weeks later we met up randomly again, talked and exchanged numbers. Since then we really don't keep in touch on a regular basis. He is a lawyer always busy, and then I'm kinda busy too. But once in awhile a phone call will be made or we'll meet out for coffee. Last night I remembered why I had a crush on him, and why I still do. But I'm content to leave it at that.

As I was leaving the coffee plant, a friend from my Spanish class called and we met up at BS. She is wonderful to hang out with. There is a really cute guy in out Spanish class that we are going to invite out to a G bar. We both think he has tendancies.

I was getting ready to leave BS when my ex found me. It had been awhile since we talked. It was really nice catching up. He's moving to San Jose. Maybe that information influenced me, but we ended up making out in the parking lot like high school kids. But last night after the animal instincs and wildness had run its course, the mood changed; it was tender, soft, slow and quiet. Like time had slowed and given us that moment to share. He'll always be someone in my life, but things have changed.

"People change over time, which needs to be accepted and encouraged. I believe any relationship is like a two-person team that has the same goals and a willingness to proceed even through hardships." Someone I know wrote that and I haven't found anything to be more eloquent.
People do change. It's called life. Sometimes they grow closer to others and at times they grow distant.

I know that love will keep us together

"In the blink of an eye, everything could change.
Say hello to your life, now you're living.
This is it, from now on it's a brand new day.
It was time to wake up from this dream.

I know the road looks lonely, but that's just Satan's game.
But either way, we'll never be the same."

I love Spain

In April of 1998 I went to Spain as my graduation present from my parents. That was 7 years ago (I am old). From that trip I fell in love with Spain. With the culture, the land, with the people. I posted some pictures of the trip below. I will return, if not live there for a time. I said as a teenager when I was there that I left my heart in Spain, and I still feel homesick para el pais.

The Court of Lions in the Alhombra in Granada.

A street in Granada

Santo Toledo!

A random shot of the spanish countryside from the bus.

My first time ever to see the ocean, this being the Mediterrainian Sea.

Me being a total DORK in Madrid.

A shot of Sevilla from the catherdral bellfry.

My aunt and mom in Cordoba

My Five

1) La Tortura - Shakira
2) Heat of the Night - some japanese group - name to follow
3) Utopia - Alanis Morisette
4) Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
5) Overdue Goodbye - Anastacia

Madonna:
1) Till Death Do Us Part - Like a Prayer
2) Nothing Really Matters - Ray of Light
3) Gambler - Unreleased
4) Words - Erotica
5) Nobody's Perfect - Music

I added this Madonna section in honer of C and his dream breakthrough with Madonna. My goal is to get a poster up on his wall... hehe

Express Myself through Alanis

This is utopia this is my utopia.
This is my ideal my end in sight.
Utopia this is my utopia.
This is my nirvana.
My ultimate.

We'd gather around all in a room, fasten our belts engage in dialogue.
We'd all slow down, rest without guilt,
not lie without fear,
disagree sans judgment.

we would stay
and respond
and expand
and include
and allow
and forgive
and enjoy
and evolve
and discern
and inquire
and accept
and admit
and divulge
and open
and reach out
and speak up.

We'd open our arms, we'd all jump in, we'd all coast down into safety nets.

we would share
and listen
and support
and welcome,
be propelled by passion
not invest in outcomes,
we would breathe
and be charmed
and amused by difference,
be gentle
and make room for every emotion.

We'd provide forums, we'd all speak out, we'd all be heard, we'd all feel seen.

we'd rise post-obstacle,
more defined,
more grateful,
we would heal be humbled,
and be unstoppable,
we'd hold close and let go and know when to do which,
we'd release and disarm
and stand up
and feel safe.

This is my ideal my end in sight
This is my nirvana
My ultimate.

I'm hating right now

And the recipients of my hate are all the pho-to-genic people in the world. You know the type. They are usually those that also can wake up in the morning after crashing on the couch after a long night of drinking and dancing and look shower fresh. I hate you. And if you don't understand why I'm so perturbed, or that I'm unnecessarily hating, then you probably are one of the enemy.

Just one look at all the boys on connexion.org and you will know what I mean. I want to contact them all and state that I find all their pictures very becoming and for that reason alone I hate them. ALL OF THEM!!!

And I have not one, but two cold sores coming on. I hate cold sores. DAMN YOU!

You'd think that after so many years of fearing God, I'd have some amount of leeway, but nope. I've definitely made my way onto some sort of bad list.

But I am told that this will be for my own good. Vaya pues. Venga lo que venga.

My Overdue Goodbye

Today I slept in until 9:30, was 25 mins late for my Spanish class, but still made it in time to listen to the really cute guy give his presentation and then get sufficiently bored with the other presentations.

On my way to work today, I watched a bird fly in front of my car. I never made its way to the other side of my car. In my rear view mirror I saw a puff of feathers behind me. I just thought to myself that this was natural selection in motion.

I know that my energy has decreased much. And not my physical energy, but my emotional. I feel drained. I feel I have nothing more to give. I feel that it's slowly being replenished, but not fast enough for me to deal with myself and others. I know that no one really has an idea how much stress and pressure I have been under. I have things going on in my life that I simply don't mention to other people. I hint at them, but in such a way that it comes across as little things that I'll get over in a few days. And I hint at the surface stuff; stuff that normally I don't even notice, but when so much in me is taking all my energy to keep moving forward on a daily basis, trying to balance all that I used to, and still deal with my problems and everything else that I become irritable. I avoid people because I know that I can't give them the energy they deserve or require. And I feel bad. They are important to me, but I just am not in a position to be around much of anyone.

So my overdue goodbye is I'm going to say goodbye to all the superfluous things in my life. I just don't have the energy to work 35-40 hours a week, go to school full time, get to the gym on a regular basis, spend time studying, keep my house in a presentable state of cleanliness, have a social life, and balance the stresses of my existence.

My fuse is short, and I hate that. So I need time to get back to normal. I'm not going to become a recluse, nor cut anyone out of my life, and hopefully most don't even notice that I'm on overload right now. I usually can keep the exterior appearing carefree. But I may not be there like I was in the past.

How can I give what I don't posses?

hay mi amor, me duele tanto

How can I ask that the winter allow a rose to live?
How can I ask that an oak tree give forth apples?
How can I ask that the wind let the fallen leaves lay still?
How can I tell my heart to get over you?

Why do I feel that I am casting my pearls before swine?
Why do I feel the time with you is lost forever?
Why do I feel a chill when you touch my skin?
Why do I feel my heart burn when you speak?

aye que me mate el corazon.

What about you keeps me coming back?
What about you makes my breath stop?
What about you lures my feet to your door?
What about you deceives my senses?

I don't ask that everyday have sunshine.
I don't ask that we celebrate every weekend.
I don't ask that it remain spring year round.
I don't ask that we remain dry in a rainstorm.

aye que me mate el amor.

la tortura

This morning I got an email from a guy in LA whose blog was the very first I started reading on a regular basis. If I remember correctly, I think that his was whose inspired me to start my own. His proved to be the only that I kept reading on a regualr basis. I liked how he used words. But he has moved on, and left the blog behind. Now I have to figure out something new I will read while sitting bored at work. But I cheers the run. Que tu adventura nueva sea lo que estas buscando.

I am listening to Shakira's new song. I think I really like the remix better. but it's good stuff either way.

LMAO!!!!

I figured it out

I now know why I'm feeling like I'm in a daze. It's because I am. I'm confused and unsure about a position that I was very firm on just last week. And also I am finding that some old demons have come back to have their go with me. again.
So I'm trying to figure out just what it is and it's distracting me from pretty much everything.
I'm thinking that the position issue has something to do with my resolution to avoid love for awhile. Was it something said this weekend? Was it something done this weekend? I don't feel a pining to call or talk to anyone that I didn't know before this weekend. Is it the idea of loving someone, a man? I think it may be me. I honestly still feel like in the end I will marry a woman and have a family. And I want a family. That has to be a source of imbalance... being gay and being attracted to men, wanting to spend time with men, wanting to be physical with men, and then knowing that I will drop it and marry a woman. Or at least thinking that way. Is that fair to her? To me? No. Now that I have an idea about what's going on, I can let it drift to the back of my mind, and I can summon it when I find threads of knowledge that might help to unravel the mystery of it.
The demons are simple to identify, since they have been a part of my life since I can remember. I knew they were making a come back Saturday night. I felt like everyone wanted everyone else. And that everyone was seeing right through me. I was getting that invisible feeling again. I was basing my worth on the attention and acceptance of people. But the acceptance in a physical, satisfy the moment sense. no, not sex itself, but that I could be desireable, someone could see me and want me in that sense. I felt like I was blocking everyone else's view of everyone else. I am making this seem like a sex party or something. Not like that. I just mean that I felt like everyone else at the party was beautiful and I wasn't. That people were seeing me and wishing I would go away.
But I know how to deal with these demons. I have to do things that make me feel positive: sutdy, workout, run, go above and beyond at work. Things that make me feel better. I don't like to wallow in self-pity and now that I have recognized what's going on, I can pull out of it. okay, well that's enough of that.

taking my own advice

Today I have stared at the screen for 15 mins without anything to say. I want to type something, but nothing is coming. Then I remembered two important factors of a blog... 1) Just write, no matter what the content, and 2) I'm doing this for me.

My mood is fair weather today. The weekend killed me. I stayed up way too late everynight. and woke up way too early every morning. It was fun, no regrets, but hindsight says try and get at least one decent night's sleep in and try and do some homework. Course I completely forgot about tests this week. So I can't say too much about that.

Gosh I wish I were gradated and could just make a decent amount of money and when I went home from work, I didn't have any homework to do.

Well I've learned from experience that when you have to ask for something once or twice it wasn't meant in the first place. And it's hard to accept when you love someone, that you're lead to believe that in your moment of need that they want what you want, but they don't.
It was so easy in the beginning, when you didn't feel like running from your feelings, like you are now. What happened? What do I remind you of? Your past? Your dreams? Or some part of yourself that you just can't love?

As They say, All Good Things Must Come To An End

I've decided that after picking up the kitchen some, and piling the dishes in a corner to await their turn in the machine, that it was in sufficient condition to wait a more energetic cleaning which it truly merits on the morrow.
I paused before turning off the lights to retreat to my bedroom to perform my nightly bedtime rituals, and thought of the happenings of the evening; the happenings of the weekend.

The walls echoed the laughter of good friends; the clinking of glasses and scrapes of forks on plates filled my mind's ears. Smiles and warm eyes were reflecting from the bamboo near the dining table. The aroma of shortbread and either accomplishment or thank-God-I-pulled-it-off was still hinting in the air. It was a wonderful evening, that left a warmth which only true friendship can create in my heart. A perfect cadence to a good weekend.

And so relaxing was this weekend. Spent almost entirely in the company of good friends, and new acquaintances. Sitting by the pool. Lunch at a Chinese restaurant where they bring the buffet to you. Witty banter about a myriad of subjects, some light, some heavy. Hot tubbing with cute guys. Finally kissing your crush of two years, and realizing it was fun, but a crush is all you'll really ever be able to feel for this person. Emailing back and forth with your best friend while she's at work and you're still in your jammys at home. Spending an afternoon at the pool. Trying out a new bar and then after five minutes there, telling your friends to stay close as there is strength in numbers, and with no sudden movements to start heading towards the door. Preparing dinner in an attempt to repay for kindness and friendship given. Listening to talented musicians sing Broadway tunes. Being so utterly exhausted from having so much fun you are ready to fall asleep at your computer, but memories made must be documented.

This weekend passed like a dream. A wonderful, happy dream. Tomorrow I wake up and return to reality. But I feel rested and ready to take it on.

Only the night can say
Why it will never show
All the dreams there are to know
And keep hidden from the day.

This Week's Picks

1) Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
2) Sometimes - James
3) Ray of Light - Madonna
4) 24 - Jem
5) All Through the Night - Cyndi Lauper
6) Forget It - Breaking Benjamin

if you're wondering what to get me for my birthday

http://www.airquee.co.uk/pub/

it's stupid, but I laughed cuz it was so pointless (I didn't write this, received it as an email)

I just have one question about whales: who cares? All I ever hear are people pissing and moaning about saving the whales. Why save the whales? Screw them, what have they done for me? How would you like to go to the beach one day and read a sign that says "Sorry, all out of water." Not likely? Think again. Here's a little fact about whales that not many people know:

Whales are drinking all our water and eating our sailors.

When they're not busy ravaging the high seas, they're getting beached and rotting to death out of spite so nobody can enjoy the beach.

Then there are the people who say whales are smart. If whales are so smart, then how come they still haven't learned to breathe under water like everything else that lives in the ocean? They've only had 40-million years to do it and they still don't have their shit together. And now researchers are saying that they've found gay whales. Duh.

Is it too much to ask for a whale to save me for a change? When is the last time you procrastinated by putting up a stupid web page instead of studying and a whale saved your ass during the test? Never. In fact, when is the last time a whale did anything other than some stupid trick like jumping out of the water? Ooh, the whale can jump out of the water. Big deal.

Try building an oil rig, then I'll be impressed asshole.

Reading blogs and email: here are some of my favorites

"I was so excited cuz I had only one exam today so I got to come home at ten. So I was being all excited for 5 minutes and running around the house like the crazed person that I am. Then I decided I was bored and lonely and wished I had a car."


"Sometimes I feel like my usually innocent sidekick phone turns into an evil monster that won't ring (when I want a certain guy to call) lol" -L

Celebrating that today is today

Vaya, realmente no me importa que hoy es hoy. Solamente hay pensamientos dentro mi cabeza que tengo que expresar y no quiero expresarme en ingles. Puse este titulo porque quiero que piensen que soy feliz ahorrita. Preo realmente me siento que un pedazo de me alma se me fue. No fue una persona, solo se que hay algo diferente conmigo.

Siento que hay un agujero en mi piel, donde al amor que tuve se derramo bastante. Hasta que ya no siento con mi corazon. puedo sentir amistad con mis amigos. Pero mas de esto, no hay nada.

los nubles han bajado. me cubren hasta los hombros. veo, pienos, sino no siento. el corazon dejo de funcionar. estoy cansado de preguntarle al amor donde esta. no lo busco. no lo encuentro. Parece que por lo menos todos han tenido un poco amor en sus vidas. yo no. y por esto he decedido que no hay un amor para mi.

es la misma historia. quiero a una persona. esta person no me quiere a mi. solamente he conocido esto de amor. se como vivir sin el.

estos dias pienso que mi vida es mejor sin el pinche sentimiento. ya no me voy a enganar. no quiero que venga el amor. no quiero encontrarme en los subidos y bajidos de el. de hecho, pienso en personas que a penas hace dos semanas en encantaran, y hoy. no quiero estar con ellos.

supongo que por fin mi corazon se dio cuenta que es azul y negro. se que vivire solo por mi vida. sere un amigo a todos, pero nadie me puede dar amor romantico. y que me importa a mi? No conozco diferente.

Tengo que ser feliz todo el dia. No quiero que mis amogos sepan que guardo tristeza en mi corazon.

It's 3:30 PM...

I would KILL, yes KILL, for a bag of cheese-its.

Sometimes it just comes, and you gotta write

I feel that the tumultuous storm I've been feeling in my life these past months has slowly knocked off pretenses I may have created in my own mind. Maybe to protect me from who I was and who I was becoming. I feel it was a process.
I can't help but think that certain people were catalysts in this reaction with in my soul. But I feel I'm pulling out, or that I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel better and more comfortable in this skin than I ever have before, yet I feel I have once again become the person I used to be. I feel closer to who I am.
I feel my past and my present are uniting. I feel I am better capable of accepting what the future brings because I see that so much of it depends on decisions I make now.
I guess life's trials are like a refiner's fire. I feel refined, that some of my dull spots are a bit more polished and as a blacksmith shapes metal, so I have been shaped to become better.

This all kind of came to me when I was walking to biochem class. I realized that I'm still sitting on the fence; doing my best to be a gay Mormon. Never accepting that I was one or the other, but both. I realized that for me to be happy in this life, I need to chose one way or the other. Yeah, it does suck to be a gay mormon. And I think, what if it is all true? But then I have felt lately that I'm slowly choosing a way... I feel myself drifting to a decision. I'm just gathering speed and strength to go that direction.
On my death bed, I want to utter the words, Absolutely no regrets.

erotica (part 2)

The evening was wonderful... well until I came home and started homework and house chores. I think I'm tired of being my roommate's maid. But also I'm am a ray of sunshine right now. So I will just say that the "friend" was a very nice guy. I tried to not like him, but couldn't help myself. ;) jk.

And I think I like the band James now.

E#R&O*T@I%C$A

So all day today I've been musing in the back of my mind what I will talk about. But before I get to anything of substance, I hope that everyone is aware that Mariah's new album came out today. Actually I was in a blissful state of ignorance all day... well almost... at 7AM my friend texted me to go buy it. Riiight. I'll get right on that.

I've been rather productive at work today. To put it in perspective my boss expects a 'C' out of us each day. I usually shoot for a 'B.' I actually had a talk about this with my friend who owns his own business and all he wants is work out of his employees. Wants them to earn their keep. Stop talking. Stop getting paid to blog... uh... anyway... today I have achieved an 'A.' I could shoot for that 'A+' but I really don't want my supervisor to get used to the fact that I am capable of putting out. And rather well if I do say so myself. (now comes the justification...)

I feel that if I get done what is required of me, then a little downtime is fine. Now before the stones are cast, I am going to school full time, trying to keep my grades up in those classes, working 35 hours a week, trying to get to a gym now and then, and having somewhat of a social life. And for the first time in a long time, I feel the stress of it. Not enough that I will crack just yet, but I feel I've been worn thin. So if I seem a bit short, don't take it personally. I'm just really, really stressed. I HATE my speech class. I hate public speaking. I HATE, HATE, HATE it.

But I do love the new gym I joined. It's really family like, and full of happy people and the beautiful men just never strip... er... stop showing up. The field is white, ready to harvest.

Tonight I'm meeting a friend for drinks. I'm excited to meet the someone in his life. Honestly I'm not sure what they are. Friends? Lovers? Eff-Buddys? But whoever he is, my friend seems to like him to be around. So I can't wait to meet him. I'll probably give a detailed report of the evening tomorrow. Or maybe not.

"Give it up, do as I say. Give it up, let me have my way. I'll give you love, I'll hit you like a truck. I'll give you love, I'll teach you how to fuck." She never says the last word, but sometimes I wish she would. Ask anyone who has been in my presence when I'm singing some songs... I tend to insert words I think should have been there. For reasons as to why, please see paragraph 3.

I think I'm going to take a picture of what I see when looking out my window at work. Sometimes it surprises me just how pretty it is. I like the green of the trees with the desert colors and hills behind them. Granted it is in the middle of the 5th-worst-traffic city in the country, but I still like it.

Have I mentioned lately that I'm so happy to be single? I've been trying to remember why I was all worried that no one will like me, and I'll never find a mate... blah, blah, blah... I can't imagine trying to share my life with someone right now. Way too busy. Course tomorrow my thread line will be something to the stomach-turning effect of "I'm In Love!" or something.

Words of Wisdom: "...maybe it's better that you know he's an a-hole now....know what i mean. rather than you going around thinking some a-hole was a nice guy." -D

From my Heart

I find that despite my deliberate planning and careful attention to details, the bottom still seems to fall right out from under me. I used to not be the least bit resilient. But now I find I am getting better.

I'm still trying to clam my life down and not let criticism and imperfections get me caught up in things I cannot see.

I may never be an angel, I may never be a saint. But I'm trying to survive the best I know how. I understand no risk, no glory.

I feel that I try and be a good person. I feel that I try and treat the people in my life, be it an old friend or a new acquaintance, so that they feel special. I feel I go out of my way to accommodate others, sacrificing my time and resources so that for a few minutes he/she will feel that someone in this crazy world cares for them, and wants them to be happy. Sometimes I feel foolish for extending my hand. Sometimes it's slapped back at me. Sometimes I worry that this world is so cynical that my good intentions are mistaken for a hidden agenda.
Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry. And sometimes I have to laugh to keep from crying.
And sometimes I know that people believe in me. That I am loved unconditionally. That I am accepted for all that I am. That certain people in my life are not going anywhere. I'm really bad at expressing how much I appreciate it sometimes, but I remember it all. And for these people I would give all I have, even my life should it ever come to that.

And PS... if we spend all Wednesday night together, don't pretend you don't see me Saturday night, and when I finally talk to you, act distant and uninterested. But then I suppose you have your reasons. And let those reasons keep your heart warm, for I have removed you from mine and withdrawn all friendship.

In Memory of...

When we went to dinner, my friend who is a server there said to come look at something and when we arrived, this was found on a table. Looks like the patrons who sat here previously were feeling particularly religious. It was rather funny...

Is it already Thursday again?

1) Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
2) Univited - Alanis Morisette
3) I Believe in You - Kyle Minogue
4) (Untitled Track) - Breaking Benjamin
5) Puedes Contar Conmigo - La Oreja De Van Gogh

Note: #3 is on the list because while that song was playing at the bar last night, we sang and danced to it, and the rest of the bar dissapeared. And for that reason it is on the list, and of course being a good song. Now when I listen to it, I hear all the good memories of the previous night.
I'm sure you've had a night that was so wonderful, the next day you were still trying to absorb it all.

Some of the Best Teeth You'll Ever see in the Same Room

My Friend from Omaha was in town on business and so he was able to set a night aside to hang out with me. Nothing better than a little My Florist and BS to make for a wonderful night. I guess I'll start looking forward to the next trip... but then I just might have to visit Omaha one of these days...

Plato vs. Eros

I think for the first time since I was a school boy, I am choosing to sit under a tree and read a book than go play during recess. Too many times lately I've felt myself wishing I could look at the ground and kick the dirt. I feel awkward and crude again, yet closer to myself than I've ever been.

I'm happy and content with where I am in life, and especially with where I'm going. I'm not perfect by any means, but I feel that I have the strength in me to conquer some old demons. And I must do it alone. For so long I've been pining for someone to cherish. But now I'm happy I don't have such a person in my life. The friendships I have give me all the companionship I need at this time.

But rather than feel my friends are going to run ahead of me on this road chasing their own dreams and passions and in the end leave me, I feel that I am here to cheer them on while I figure out my own path. I may not be as far as they are, but I'm no longer in any hurry.

I feel that I no longer need to base my life on where everyone else is, but rather where I am, and where I'm going.

I guess metaphorically speaking I'm drawing my bubble bath and I've lit a scented candle and selected a long novel to read. But my phone will be by the tub, should you call, or I need to chat.

Please Take Note:

When I'm busy at work trying to snack/email/blog/listen to music/write a to-do list/study/organize my desk/and from time to time work, and you (as my co-worker) come up to my personal area/desk and tell me AGAIN about your @ss-hole husband/a story I just head you tell the person that sits right by me/the same story you told me yesterday at this time/a story about how your child of 4 years talked back to you and how cute it was/that you think I look like that one actor and how you want to see that one movie he's in/how your sister said for the 4th time this week she will no longer babysit your children, please expect me to go "uh-hu" and continue what I was doing/all-of-a-sudden need to go to the bathroom (you don't know that I just went 10 mins ago)/look at you blankly and slip into la-la land while waiting for your lips to stop moving/involve another co-worker in the conversation, get you two talking, and slip away (the wrath of involved co-worker is worth getting out of the conversation).

Consider yourself informed.

We Was Conversatin'

D: hanging around with people who WANT to be around me and ENJOY being around me is turning me into a happier person minute by minute. i am that in no time i won't even think about b. so sad for him!

R: That's really good. I'm happy that you have been able to get to that point. Yeah I would def say that I think that being around people who want to be around you is a def ego boost.

D: and being around people who don't want to be around you will make you miserable and destroy your self esteem.

..........................................................................

R: GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have some news that will make you FREAK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

D: tell me your news. i don't think i have even ever written that many exclamation points.
i will take a stab. u got a good grade on your econ exam?????

R: No, I failed it. But it will be dropped anyway. YOU ARE IN ONE OF THE GAY MAGAZINES!!!! THERE IS AN ALL OUT PHOTO OF YOU AND THAT DARK HARIED MODEL GIRL FROM WHEN WE WENT TO ROSCOES THAT ONE NIGHT AND I WAS REALLY BITCHY. but THERE YOU ARE, SMILING. YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD THOUGH. SHE'S ALL TRYING TO BE MODEL AND YOU'RE SMILING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. i SAW IT LAST NIGHT AND WAS GONNA CALL YOU BUT IS WAS LIKE 12AM AND MY PHONE WAS DEAD. cool huh?

D: cool!!!! can you get me a copy so i can show all my friends! hehehe

R: I'll see if I can find one. If not you can have the beat up copy I have...

D: cool, thanks. i want to send a copy to all my family and freinds! NOT!!!! was it just me and her? are people going to think i am a lesbian?

R: totally

D: OMG!!!!! i am going to die. i guess worse things have happened. they must have cut out the interior designer from the pic.

R: yeah, it was just you two. But those who know and love you will know that you are 100% str8. The rest will just think you're a hot lesbo.

D: OMG!

My April 9th's Resolution

One of my goals I made at the new year was to get in better shape physically. I am now seeing that I cannot do this on my own. I am lazy and will choose to eat and watch TV during my gym time rather than go to the gym. That is unhealthy. So I am joining a gym where I will have a freind that will go with me. If I don't go, then I will let him down. But also this appeals to my competitive spirit and my penny-pinching self. I cannot let said friend go the the gym and get more buff than me (despite the fact that he already is well on his way), and I'm not going to pay for something I never use. I already do that with my fake baking. But that all will change. I also find that I want to eat healthier when I'm working out. I have more energy. And I'm more alert. So why do I not work out? Maybe cuz I'm a dummy. A lazy dummy. A God-fearing lazy dummy. A God-fearing lazy corpulent dummy. A God-fearing lazy corpulent poor dummy. OR, maybe just a dummy. I'll get back to you on that...

I also wanted to learn French better this year. I have signed up for a French class next semester. I'm SOO excited for it. You might ask why I want to learn French? Well, Spanish and French are the two languaes that a good portion of the world speaks (Madarin Chinese is on the agenda, but I'm just not ready yet).

J'aime le langue de francais, et je voudrais aprender ce laungue. Aussi, mon amie parle le langue et je veux parler comment il. --wow that was really testing all the French I can speak at this time. I have taken 2 semesters of it... back in 1999. I'm sure already speaking Spanish will help me a lot in the class.

There was one more, and that was to do better in school. Yeah, totally not doing as good as I was hoping. Will do better. Must do better.

No Need To Argue

This weekend was full of events. Events that solidified my resolution in some aspects. I realized just how important my friends are to me. I realized that I will be there with them through the thick and the thin. I realized that their happiness makes me happy. I wrote an entry, but wasn't ready to post it. Afraid I exposed too much of myself, too much of my thoughts. But that's what this is about. My friends are too dear and wonderful to ever let them slip away. I have learned so much, and there is so much more to learn.

Home after the long night, yet fun, and educational.

When I said no sugar coating, I meant it.

I have really been on edge this week. It was the latter half of the week mostly that I was on edge. I've known why, but I never told anyone. I wanted to be sure. And now I know for sure.

I wasn't sure that I would be able to carry on the friendship with C. I hurt too much. My heart wasn't accepting that he was having fun, and I wasn't there; that he could feel strong emotions without me. I tried to be strong, but it wasn't working. I felt I was slowly loosing grip on what I tried so desperately to keep hold of. It was an uphill battle; I was almost ready to just walk away.

But somewhere between leaving Charlie’s and saying goodbye for the night, it all changed. Like a small flower that very quickly and silently blossomed in my soul, not allowing its presence to be detected until it had fully matured did I realize that he is my friend, in the truest most pure sense of the word. He has a soul of gold. And I had allowed my pride to take over my thoughts, and distort my senses. Like this flower brought intelligence I realized I was the one at fault.

I can almost say I know that our situation was meant to be. I realized that I may feel discomfort now and again and a surge of jealousy may need to be suppressed, but our friendship has a divine purpose. Our friendship is right. What will happen in the future, I don't know. But I will never find another like him. And to cut him from my life would be like cutting a portion of my soul out. It just makes sense to have him in my life. It's like he was always there, as natural as breathing is, he is my friend. It's like a scientific law; I don't question it, that's just how it is.

It is late and I feel my words are far from eloquent. I know that the road of this friendship will not be a normal one for me. But I know that it will be much deeper and stronger than anything I've ever known. Tonight is a testament that while I will struggle with accepting our situation, I will also have the strength to learn and grow from it. Is this a lesson the heavens have decided I need to learn? I don't know, nor do I feel I will question it much longer. But I just feel that it is right. I can honestly say I feel that what we share is the best for both of us and meant to be; that C and I were meant to be: Meant to be best friends forever.

Small Conversation

D: do u have to feel pain to grow?

R: I think that you don't if you grow really slowly, but when you have to grow really fast to accomodate a new feeling, then I think it hurts. Or at least uncomfortable.

D: ooooooooooh. makes sense.

A view from my balcony. It seems fitting. I love dusk.