Like the 90s but with cappuccino now

Simple concepts are like hors d'oeuvres.  But at times left untouched.  I prefer to fill my plate with the possibility of never reached filled-up.  Wide-eyed as ever but wearing sunglasses to keep from showing too much emotion.


I think I forgot who I was, and forget to remember who I am.  Caught up, but differently this time.  But still in what I cannot see.

My focus is out.  I dream but I can't live the dream anymore.  I need to ground myself and walk on.


Excuses.  Action.  ;)


Now to start getting me where I want... 

Welcome to the evolution (or continuation thereof really).

Restless thoughts.
So many roads traveled, so many times it seems I return to the lessons I thought learned.
I try to keep my eyes on the light, but the tunnel gave way to a field.
A dark wanderer in lands mapped and charted.
Still feeling lost.

The shades are drawn. I wait for dusk.
I try to keep busy, but drift to fears.
The night is the time for tears.
I can't let the sun catch me crying.

Pouring water into a vase, to watch it spill.
Wring the washcloth out and throw it into the sink.
No sense to spill it again.
No sense to watch the water fall.
No longer having the same effect it once had.

Jumping to reach the sun,
Once I had him in my hands.
I'd like to change my losses for wins.
My toes are cold again.
Despite the layers of socks.

Just some stupid sad songs

I thought so. But then I thought not.

I'm not sure how to feel. I feel sad, I feel happy, I feel content. I feel like I've been burning the midnight oil too much, but I feel it all worth it. I knew this would happen, but I set myself up to be the perfect victim. I knew I'd feel like beauty #2, and "you only have one" would be on the tip of my tongue. I knew there'd be so much more I'd want to say but forget. I wish I could take back a few words, but I guess it's now water under the bridge. I knew time would stand still, and I'm happy to return to reality. Like a castle in the sand I knew this would fall apart. But positive, happy, no regrets in the end. But there's still that knot in my stomach, there's still the longing for just one more minute.
I'm not sure how I feel, but I'm happy to feel again.

It's now ten on my watch, and I'm still here wondering why my heart feels like it might break, despite you've already left. I see an illusion, the same one I taught myself and swore my love to. But what once was a simple understanding, a friendship of sorts is now my weakness. Sure, there's no reason to cry, but why do I still see this grey sky?

"I want to have you cuz you're all I got. Don't want to lose you cuz it means a lot. All the joy this world can bring doesn't give me anything when you're not here. Idiot me, Stupid fool. How could you be so uncool. To fall in love with someone who doesn't really care for you, it's so obscure. But I feel wonderful. Yes I feel wonderful. God it makes me feel so good everytime I think about you. All of the heat of my desire, smoke and lights some crazy fire. Come on kid look at me where I stand, can't you see my heart burning in my hand? Do you want me do you not? Does it feel cold baby or does it feel hot? I want to hold you and be so held back. Do want to need you but it's where I'm at. Thinking about you everyday, how come I was made this way? It's so surreal. But I feel wonderful." "Wonderful" Annie Lenox

"I don't want to talk about things we've gone through, though it's hurting me now it's history. I've played all my cards and that's what you've done too. Nothing more to say no more ace to play. The winner takes it all. The loser standing small. Beside the victory that's our destiny. I was in you arms, thinking I'd belong there. Figured it made sense building the offense. Building me a home, thinking I'd be strong there. But I was a fool, playing by the rules. The gods my throw a dice, their minds as cold as ice. And someone waydown here loses someone dear. The winner takes it all, the loser has to fall. It's simple and it's plain why should I complain? But tell me does she kiss like I used to kiss you? Does it feel the same when she calls your name? Somewhere deep inside you must know I miss you, but what can I say rules must be obeyed. The judges will decide the likes of me abide. Spectators of the show always staying low. The game is on again, a lover or a friend? A big thing or a small? The winner takes it all. I don't want to talk if it makes you feel sad and I understand you've come to shake my hand. I apologize if it makes you feel bad seeing me so tense, loss of confidence. But you see, the winner takes it all." "The winner takes it all" Abba

"You've been my golden best friend. I can't go to you for cosolation, cuz you're off limits during this transition. This grief overwhelms me it burns in my stomach and I can't stop bumping into things. I thought we'd be simple together. I thought we'd be happy together. I thought limitless together. I thought we'd be precious together but I was sadly mistaken. You've been my soulmate and then some. I remembered you the moment I met you. With you I knew God's face was handsome. With you I saw fun and expansion. This loss is hard, it peirces my chest, and I can't stop dropping everything." "Simple Together" Alanis

"It's gonna take some time this time to get me myself in shape. I really fell out of line this time, I really missed the gate. The birds on the telephone line are crying out to me, next time. And I won't be so blind next time and I'll find some harmony. But it's going to take some time this time and I can't make demands, but like the young the young tree in the wintertime I learn how to bend." "Take Some Time" The Carpenters

"There's no need to argue anymore. I gave all I could but it left me so sore. And the thing that makes me mad is the one thing that I had: I knew I'd lose you. You'll always be special to me. And I remember all the things we once shared, watching tv, movies together. But they say it will work out fine. Was it all a waste of time, cuz I knew I'd lose you. You'll always be special to me."

"I can't find a feeling to let go. Even though you have a new love and he's what your dreams are made of. I can't find a reason to hang on, but when a wrong can be forgiven without you it ain't worth living alone. Sometimes I wakeup crying at night and sometimes I scream out your name."

"I don't know where to start. Say I'm tired or throw a party. These cucumber rines are lying the more that I smile about it and all my clothes feel like someone's old throw-aways. It's good to be in love and really that's so true. I'm happy you're in love. Cuz every color goes where you do. I'm adoring you. It's all good. You're so beautiful, I'm black and blue all over. You're breaking my flow how could you know what I'm saying about it? When all of my clothes feel old, I don't like it. It's good to be in love and really that's so true. I'm happy you're in love cuz every color goes where you do. I feel so powerless. I've got to stop this somewhere, come on what could I do? Why's it happening, how's it happening that he feels it without me?"

"It's late, the end of the month. I look at my watch, the rain begins. In the distance I see the memory of a love. He doesn't see me. It was a long time ago."

"Let me spend my life devouring your every thought and step. Let your moles be erased and then reappear with every hug and kiss. And now that you're here I'm happy again. I once understood you were mine. Let me love you and that my tears dry yours. Let every sky have a cloud and let it rain until it makes puddles. Let me kiss you until you are breathless, and hug you so tightly to separate your bones. And now you're here again and I remember the happiness I felt. I want to pursue you, to learn of you, to love you day and night, spend my whole life on you. I want to tie you to my heart, carry you like a tatoo, I want to lose my sanity in you."

"Maybe it's the daily rain that has risen your level. Music no longer has the same effect it once had. Maybe I've lived too much in such a small, short time that now I don't remember my own language or how I used to feel. I feel that I no longer have the strength to jump and grab the sun. And despite how much I try, I don't listen to my own voice. I don't know if I've lived 1000 days or one day 1000 times and I add you to my story wishing I could change my losses for wins. I need you. You are part of me, I need you here, it's that I haven't learned how to live without you."

"Say goodbye to now knowing when the truth in my whole life began. Say goodbye to know knowing how to cry, you taught me that.
And I'll remember the strength that you gave me now that I'm standing here on my own. I'll remember the way that you saved me. I'll remember.
Inside I was a child that could not mend a broken wing. Outside I looked for a way to teach my heart to sing. And I'll remember the love that you gave me, now that I'm standing on my own, I'll remember the way that you changed me, I'll remember.
I learn to let go of the illusion that we could posess. I learn to let go, I travel in stillness, and I'll remember happiness, I'll remember love..."

Sucks to Grow Up

It's been several years on this blog. It's been years longer waiting to wake up arrived. It's been a life in progress even longer, and I feel worn out. I feel a change, I feel an acceptance, I feel like I'm finally starting to grow up.

I've been fighting the truth for a decade. I've been in denial most of my life. I've been beating around the bush, and I see I'm still where I was. I feel different, I see the world in a new light, I know that it's time to start to grow up.

I've been pushing some boundaries, while abiding by others. I excuse myself from myself. I have tales and secrets untold. I know, I've known it would culminate. I've known I'd have to face my demons myself, and I know that this is part of growing up.

heart

I have rocks in my stomach again. I guess I should stop serving myself stone soup.

Not Sure...Just Thoughts, nothing more than words...

I went kicking and screaming.
I wasn't going to have anything to do with it.
But the truth paralyzes me.
Exposure to what I thought I wanted makes me see I don't want it.

I can't face myself sometimes. Like standing outside of a theater trying to tell a story to a lady selling flowers. I promised I'd would complete the mission, but after the victory, I saw I may have lost more than gained. When all are sleeping, I escape to the night and wonder if I have learned anything at all. I don't know, but I know that life keeps moving regardless.

Too prideful to look behind me. Too prideful to realize that I am wrong. Too selfish to be happy for the fortune of others, like winning the game means more than a person.


I would give you my waist. I would give you my lips to kiss when ever you wanted. I give you my sanity and few neurons that remain. I give you my faded shoes, my journals, my breaths... just don't leave again. You are my sun, the faith with which I live. My love, my desire to live and laugh. Your the goodbye I will never know how to say because I could never live with out you. If one day you decide to leave again, I would lock all the doors and close all the windows, so you could never leave me. I would give you my silence, my nose, my bones, just stay with me. You are my voice, my feet to walk, my starlight, my life.

I feel that an old tale doesn't have all the answers that I thought it did. I feel that I can't hear or write down the sadness I feel. But there, there is some hope that burns in my heart, but I lose it in myself. I feel I've been a faithful enemy, a blue devil. I feel I've another dream, something that watches the sky rain. And there is an old tale that was written, I wasn't able to understand it. I lost myself in me.

Smile like you mean it. Just let go. It's all in the hands of something more. Just take a bow, play the part of a lonely heart.

For as long as I can remember I've been longing for something like you to come my way. It felt right. And then it slipped away. How am I to fall in love like that again? I'm still thinking of you with tears in the pouring rain, I'm still missing those nights of us together. You see, I thought I'd found the love I'd have forever.
Now I hide in myself, behind this shadowed smile. Only myself to blame. Tell me how will I ever fall in love like that again? I'm still remembering the walks in the dark, the trips out of town for the night, the days we never left the house. Now this house holds your memory and all in it. I never knew I'd have so many tears to cry.
Missing you, missing you, missing you.

You were my best friend. And now I lay my hand down. I can't run to you because you're now off limits. I don't know where to go now, just grief burning in my stomach, and I can't stop bumping into things. I thought we'd be simple, happy, limitless, precious together. But I was wrong. You were my soul mate and then some. I remembered you the moment I met you, With you I knew God's face was handsome. With you I saw the universe expanding. This loss is wrong, I can't stop dropping everything. I thought we'd be sexy, evolving, have a family together. If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented, a dime for all the hands thrown up in the air, my wealth would run over. I thought we'd be genius, healing, growing, adventurous, exploring, inspired, flying, on fire together. But I was sadly mistaken.

I loved how you smelt after a shower. I miss your smile, how you would try and look at both sides to drive me crazy. How you would play music just to annoy me and then hug me. How you would speak of your family. How you would tell me about your day. I miss these things about you. This is not time for a weak heart. These days I keep my raw heart wrapped up tight. I struggle to lay down my torch for you like this.
I miss your head on my pillow, miss you petting the dog, I miss you dragging me to a boring movie, I miss you talking to your friends on the phone, I miss the light in your eyes when we sip our coffee in the morning. I miss the way your shoes were never in the closet.
So one step forward, I keep going. I try to tell myself to move on. But I still miss your head by mine, I miss talking about the future, I miss you telling me to read more books. My heart is left weak, not time for stumbling, not the days for broken dreams. I struggle to lay down my torch for you.

Every dream, every impression. Every fault, every detail all under control. Every certainty, every approximation. Every scene under supervision. The casualty has taken on the guise of a butterfly that could be love. You have no idea how much I would have loved you, if you had just waited a moment longer. My gestures, my voice, no longer.

colors that could never mix, dreams in bags of ice floating out to sea. Silence that we attacked. We are lovers that never felt spring, that can't make each other laugh. Just venom in our love. We always hid out bad moods. So look at me, and look at you, tell me what you see.
It's that you and I never fit in the same love song. We are A and B.
My eyes are tired of crying, they want to rest. So give me a hug and let's say goodbye, don't try and fix what cannot be fixed.

But me and my armor, I've had to grow strong. I have duel coats, not been trusted with a heart. I'm a sweet piece of work, with good intentions, not perfect, wrongly labeled, treated as a rose when really an orchid. My friends cannot be objective, but truly wanting what's best. Misunderstood, I learn to learn about myself.. I require a special care. So I live in my blind spot, I thought I was usual when I'm not... so this sweet piece of work, I'm high maintenance, different, and deserving of all happiness. I get overwhelmed, I'm unobserved, I've been misread, don't know who I'm supposed to be, but always hoping, never losing hope.

So it begins. I am going to mold my body into the shape I want it. Enough is enough applies to me and this point. I'm the only obstacle in my way. And thanks to my sister who was the one to convince me to finally do it. Not by telling me to do it, but by doing it herself! ;)

Still working through...

I still have to close my eyes while the internal storm and numbness sets in.
Despite thinking that I was over it.
When I read that you have moved on and I still stand still with my dirty hands.
I'm left quiet and disturbed.
Numb.
I still want to blame you for everything.

I thought I had a handle on it all.
I thought I had no more emotion.
I thought I was done finally.
But I still want you to hurt like you hurt me.
The return of Saturn.

Still...

I'm still hindered by my own disdane. I wish I could let go, but I have learned that sometimes I'm not meant to be happy in every aspect of my life. Something has to give.

So I finally have some free time to muse. Sitting at the airport in Omaha waiting for my flight to board, an hour to go.
I'm 29. I want to have goals for this year. I want to start my 30s on a good, solid footing. So many thoughts swirl in my head as to what I want to accomplish by May of next year. I feel like I have a lot already set in motion.
So my goal is in two major areas: I want to get a much better body and I want to get a 3.5 GPA in school this next semester. I have a lot of other goals, but those are big ones because they require a lot of dedication. I will have to sacrifice a lot for them, but looking over the past years that I have spent in my 20s, I feel that I have been extravagant enough. I have had, and enjoyed the good foods, now it's time to be healthy. I have done poorly in school, but now I need to perform, and not only get good grades, but actually learn the information because this is my profession and what I am going to be doing to help people.

Writing to write to express to be

The rain came down on the window of the red car. The wipers needed to be replaced. The trees swam by in a blur. It had been hours since leaving the house.

The lights were low. sillouettes darted back and forth. The beat was intoxicating. Pulsating through veins, fibers, tissues. Moving, bouncing, gliding, driving, tapping, snapping, clapping, other hot bodies turning, bending on the floor. Feeling the touch of strangers swaying to the same call, the same rhythm, separate in a mass as one.

I was waiting for you. You told me to be there, to wait there for you. So I waited, in the night. Just one word I wanted to hear. My pain could have been cured. Just one lie broke my soul. Underlying emotions being swept in the waves of out sea. So I leave, I leave without knowing if you ever really kissed me. I can pretend all is peaceful, wonderful, the memories only bring smiles and laughs. But just one gesture brought back my memory, those that now make me cry. You knew me, but never got to know me. I handed you my heart, and you sold it to the wind. I know have my own path, and I leave.

What are you doing? I never was supposed to meet you, so leave. I don't feel safe anymore since you bring out my weaknesses. Maybe I can just pretend that you will love me. Don't let my imagination run away with me. But it just isn't meant to be, not planned. I don't want to feel anything for you, stop making me feel. I was so happy on my own. The world turned over and under, really stop getting any closer to me. You're already making this too hard and complicated. This can't be happening. I run for cover, trouble ensuing. I can't resist you any more, I nearing my point of no return. I'm at bay, a siege, surrounded, I can only give in to survive, I can only try to let you love me since I never had the chance to chose to love you or not. I wish I wasn't so weak, it's all your fault.

I'm trading in my social smile for a taste and smell of something real.
The whirlwind in my head no longer trying to comprehend you or your thoughts.
I accept you how you want me to perceive you.
I understand the work involved, I do it too.
But some things cannot be bought, only given.
I thought it was what I wanted. So badly.
But I have changed my mind.

I try to learn to see the sky. To measure it's blue.
I want to taste the salt of the ocean and appreciate its life.
The strum of a guitar in the night equates peace.
Coloring a paper princess with a future queen at my side.
The text into my brain to lighten my doubts.

My energy is finite. My love infinite.
I hope, I have always hoped,
and I will forever hope. Forever evolve,
forever change, forever question.

Life is here and now. I am here and now.

I wish we were talking. I heard this amazing new song today; you'd love it.
The hallway is still, the lights are on and my keys dangling in the doorknob.
The light brush of your hand on my memory.
Were you afraid to fall? Were you scared to fly?

I load the dishwasher, remembering your advice.
I hold the frame for a picture, but there's no camera.
Close your eyes, it's getting late again, but no sleep comes.
Looking under my bed for lost tokens and tickets to ride.

The sun streams though the curtains. Making my walls striped.
Canceling the thoughts before they can impulse my veins.
Imagining what life could be, when I'm back to normal.
I stepped from one roller coaster to another.

Ice in my water, condensation dripping on the table.
I just wasn't prepared for the end of the show.
Let's just get back on and ride the big one, give it all.
But I guess we did, and now it's come to a complete stop.

still live to tell

You had to tell me when the sky was blue and clear.
You had to tell me to listen to the music in the breeze.
You told me how to dance to time.

Like a ribbon tied around my senses I kept myself from living.
I waited for the clouds to part rather than enjoy the rain.
I stayed on the ground not trusting my balance.

The illusions came, you presented them to me.
I looked into them, into your eyes and believed.
Soon they faded, you no longer played your charade.

You left me weak and a mess. I forgot who I was.
I departed from you, but always turning to look back.
I wasn't ready.

Who were you to affect me so much?
Who were you that I handed my soul over to you?
Who was I that I let go so easily?

But now I see on my own, I hear on my own again.
I am happy to feel and sense on my own again.
A lesson you are still teaching, I am still learning.

But I recognize, and remember. I am still learning of myself.
I am not afriad to fall again, it will happen, I am only human.
I am not afraid to love again, I am human afterall.

Caution is now guilded in my actions, for I am still new.
Action is my plan, and walking, running, loving, laughing.
With myself, with another, but fully with myself.

Finishing Thoughts

No longer do you ask to be excused.
You just leave.
You don't speak of you and me.
The excuses were here before you were.
You don't look at me like you used to.

I need to ask you to let me be.
I need time.
You still hurt here inside.
No one can live with such venom.

You should recognize by now when you have begun to break a heart.
You do is so well.

I hope that you still hope for hope.
But patience has gone to my feet.
I flood myself in unconcious gestures,
painting on my smile. looking without seeing.
Waiting for your absence.

No one can live such a life.
The hope your love gave me I never felt before.
No one can die from this venom,
only slowly go mad.

I need you to just leave,
and please let me be.
You still hurt inside me where you dwell.
You should stop breaking hearts.

warm

The grey sky fit my stomach. I watched the drops of rain sprinkling from the sky. The world seemed to hold it's breath, watching the few drops of water fall.

I put on my coat and walked out into the misty silence. The clouds were low in the sky. No one was out, it was barely light. The first rays of the sun caught this delicate closing to a ferocious night.

The morning was cool, the desert drinking in all the liquid. The rain picked up some but I didn't mind. My mind was in the clouds. Just as quickly as it had started the rain backed off to the light drizzle. The light few stronger and the clouds showed signs of thinning.

I wanted to freeze the world. I wasn't ready for the sunlight. I wasn't ready for my clouds to lift. I broke into a jog, the purpose of this outing. I wasn't ready to let go. So much happened so quickly that I wasn't ready to let it go. I was happy, I was building a life, I was ready to feel something new. But just as quickly as it started, it ended.

The sun broke in thin streams through the clouds. The rain had stopped. I stopped and looked up to the sky. The silence of the world around me enveloped me. It stopped the clamor in my head. I breathed and began to walk, then to jog.

Things were good for me. I knew this was all for the best, all for my better.

It's funny how the past blurs the tears and pain.
It's funny how I can't remember much of the bad,
the good is what my mind recalls.
All the times I would wait for you to come around.
All the times I waited for you.

I wonder, did you really want to live that way?
Did you want to hurt me?
Why are you running away?

Maybe someday I'll look back and see
you never meant to be cruel.
It's just that someone hurt you too.

I tell myself

It's okay to remember the good times,
and the bad.
It's okay to remember laughter,
and tears.
It's okay to think of eyes lighting up.

Keep your head held high,
Don't look behind, life isn't fair.

It's okay to run away fast,
but also okay to kiss goodbye.
It's okay to cry when you stumble and fall.
It's okay to cry out in the night.
No more tears, it will be alright.

Fight to be strong, and understand fear is okay too.

It's time to forget the past
and learn to forgive.
Promise to try.
Memories may play games with your mind.
Faded smiles frozen in time.
Hang on, promise to try.

rinse and repeat

Day one. Day one again.
I feel like I start over each day.
I box up yesterday.
Store it in a corner,
or throw it out.

Forward is a slow process,
but standing still isn't an option.

I close my eyes and remember the good,
the great of my life.
Why should I feel sad?
For what I never had?
But all that I do have surrounds me, and is abundant.
It is enough. More than enough.
I am blessed.

So day one is here again.
I chose to go on, go on.
Standing still is not an option.

still here

Heal. I hate that word because it usually means that there's pain involved. My mind is all over the place. I don't know what I feel any more. I'm tired of feeling bad. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm just tired of not being over Matt. He has moved on. Calls me the "ex who still has feelings." He is so over me it's like we never had a past together in his head.

So now I heal. I need to focus on me. I focus on my life. I went for a run. I will do homework tonight. I will go to bed. Wake up and do a little homework and go to the gym. Then work, come home and do more homework. I need Ryan time. I don't want much contact with him. I need me own space for awhile.

still, after this much time...

My mind still wanders to Matt and tries to understand what I'm not meant to understand. I still want to know why he let me go. But I know. I want to know why he feels the way he feels, and why he can't feel the way I want him to. I want him to like me still.

But so much of it feels like a dream that happened a long time ago. We have worked on building a new friendship. I do view him as my friend. But there is still some past of the old Matt that I dated that returns to my mind and makes me wish he were back, whatever he was to me.

It's more meta-physical, like a memory that I had of something good and I remember wanting that, and so I want it back because that's how I remember it. But when I think of Matt, I don't want him back because I guess I have moved on from him. I'm happy with the friendship, with how things have turned out. But there's still that empty that I remember he filled and so I sometimes wish for him to fill it again.

There was a lot of bad that I put up with. But it's funny how I forget that part.
But it's obvious that we did the best for us. He needs to be alone, and I need to remember that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel for me.

The other night, I asked him if he had any residual feelings for me. He said that he felt bad and didn't want to answer. I said he needed to tell me the truth because I needed to hear it. He said that he is checked-out on guys all together. That he just cannot feel any deep emotion for anyone right now.
I then asked why he dated me. He said because I was everything that he could want, and his head said to date me, and he wanted to like me, and he wanted to be in a healthy relationship, but his heart just never felt it.

His heart was never into me.
I want, I deserve someone who is into me both mind, body, and heart.

So in the end, I don't want Matt, I don't want what he had to offer because it wasn't much.
But sometimes I still want that hole in my heart to be filled, and right now I remember the memory of when it was filled, and it was him filling it, and so in that sense, I still miss him.

Still Trying to put it in the Past

I stumble under the weight.
I try to put it in the past.
But I keep holding on to this illusion.
I'm not ready to try and live without you.

But I'm tired of feeling this pain,
What good does it do me now?

I want to let go, no longer slip into your memory.
I want to fly away and feel the sun on my face.
But all I can feel is the shadow of your absence.
I guess I need more time to figure it out.

Part of me still beleives that you'll come back.
Part of me still believes that we will work it out.
Part of me wants to cry out for your return.
But I need to say goodbye to you, as my lover, forever.

I'm tired of feeling this pain,
what good does it do me now?

I'll get it all figured out it time.

So now I learn to let go of our relationship, let go of the good times and bad times we shared as lovers, but I tell myself to look forward to the friendship we can now build... funny that I got my wish of being able to still be in his life as a friend. I'm happy and should be glad, as it could have been much worse. I might have never had the chance to try and love him, and I wouldn't have known his worth, and how beautiful he is both inside and out. And I learned more about my worth.

I know there's someone out there waiting for me... be it someone new, or a new Matt who has learned about himself, progressed, and can now give himself to a relationship, I don't know. But I know that everything happens for a reason and I will go forward with faith.

raw words expressing raw emotions

M and I had lunch yesterday. I told him that I still wasn't over him and wasn't ready for things to end. I also told him that I understand though that they need to be over, or we cannot be romantically linked right now. I told him that I understand that friends is best for where he and I are at in out lives.
It still hurts to think of him as just a friend when I was wanting so much more. And I still do. But with time the pain will wane and eventually go away.
He opened up that he isn't happy with where he is in life right now. He still needs to get over his ex, he needs to get his life in order.
I said that I will be there to help out, to be a friend, a shoulder to cry on and someone to laugh with. I miss my Matty but I know that this is for the better, despite the pain I feel right now. I am prepared to make that sacrifice to be his friend.

So I need to say goodbye to Matty my lover, say thank you for the good times and the bad because I learned from there. But still say goodbye to the past. Bye Matt, I will miss you as my lover, but I look forward to building a good, healthy friendship with you.

So I say goodbye, lower my head and close my eyes. And I open them and look up to see you still there, as a friend in my life. Thank you Matty.

So I can be overbearing. I need to remember to listen. I need to remember to feel for where he is. We are going to have lunch on Sunday. I need to not control the lunch, but let it go. Let it go where it takes us.

Thoughts about where I am

I don't think I want to do anything this Friday night with anyone. I feel like I should do some homework and then go to bed. I'm tired. I have had a productive day as far as house tasks, but have done no homework yet. I need to get to that.

But I was walking out to my car when a realization seemed to unload into my head all at once. I realized that these past two weeks of M and I being broken up have been so good for me. I say good because they have forced me to focus on myself. I have had to do things with me to keep busy and keep my mind of the absence of M in my life. I have gotten reacquainted with who I am again and what I want.
The realization was that I was running full force towards a life with Matt, I was running to him, but I was running away from me. He wanted to move slow, and yet after two months I began to think how soon it would be before I could convince him to move in together. Two months. I think I scared him off. I think that he was feeling suffocated. I think he was feeling like he was drowning. I think he was feeling like he was getting in way over his head, and it was me who was causing him.
I've taken a step back and find that I need time for myself. I need to focus on school, gym, making sure I'm where I need to be. That takes time and energy. I was focusing on Matt and putting too much too soon into him, into us.
The realization also showed that he isn't to blame completely. I was pushing for something he wasn't ready for mentally or emotionally. I scared him off. He couldn't keep up with me. He wasn't ready to lose himself in a relationship with me. And I'm grateful he didn't because I see that I wasn't healthy.
Entering a future relationship, I need to remember to take time for me, especially at the beginning. I bull-dozed too quickly into M's life and I see now that it's not that his heart wasn't opening for me, it just wasn't opening as quickly as I was forcing it to. So he had to make the decision to call it off. He was looking out for himself. He was just doing what he felt was best.

I'm happy with who I am, but still get insecure. I still avoid things, I still run from things. I still have to learn more about myself. I'm not afraid of a relationship, but I'm afraid of how I handle them. I don't like how I get caught up in what I cannot see, but the ideas in my head. I get afraid of myself in a relationship. Of course I will date again when the right boy comes along and I feel inclined to do so, but for now I am really loving myself, in the sense that I've been to the gym four times this week, been studying, eating healthy.

I'm happy. My happiness weighed on M when we were dating. And that thought scares me. I should thank him next I see him. I still do care for him a lot. But it's so plain to me now that I was more of the problem than I had thought. I'm happy I can see this, so that I correct myself and work on being me, remembering myself, and remembering that individuality is an essential element in a relationship.

I want to just put the past behind me. I've learned from it and that is its purpose. I want to move on, leaving the pain, the anger, the sadness, I want to leave it all behind me and keep my focus on the road ahead.

Since he and I ended, I no longer take sleeping aides. I get up early again. I am going to the gym and eating more healthy. I remember that I forget myself in a relationship and need to work on my self-esteem. I have been studying a lot more for classes. I have become closer with my family, I have recognized the importance of good friends in my life.

I am happy. I still feel sad, anger, but much much less, and soon I will be over it and ready to move on, and be myself again.

Not just for Gemini

Before she died at the age of 101, photographer Ruth Bernhard attributed her longevity to her restlessness. "Never get used to anything," she advised.
I recommend that approach to you right now, Gemini. You're in a phase of your astrological cycle when thinking big and wild and free will be rewarded.
To improve your physical health and boost your mental hygiene, unfamiliarize yourself with the people and things you've grown accustomed to. Sneak away from your habits. Disrupt and tamper with your normal responses. Find good excuses to be unpredictable.

ready for enough

Quiet in the morning.
The window with just a faint glow, just enough light.
The early of day surrounds my senses.

That faint knot in my stomach stretches and yawns.
I get out of bed and to my tasks.
Plan the day, today is a day.

Ready for change, ready for life.
Scared of myself, scared of the empty,
but tired and ready to accept incomplete.

I can't sit still any longer.
The knot in my stomach,
the knot of my past,
will be let go.

This is a day.
I know what I want.
I know what I need.
I take this day.
Not yet looking forward,
and tired of the past,
today is my day.

wishing I wasn't so affected

The evening is quiet. I think about you.
I miss your smell, your style, the way you form your words.
I think of how you look at me.
These are the things that I miss.
Now I enter a time not for the weak.
I've stood at the top of a tower and dreamt from the fields.
Why I let myself think I'd take you in my arms.
Traveling to that land not many have let me go.
I wonder what you do in your free time now.
I lay down my torch.
I lay down my sword.
I lay down my shield.
I lay down my heart.
I lay down my abandonment.
I lay down my breath.
I lay down my thoughts.
I lay down.
Five story fire. What a game we played.
What a mess we made.
What a fool I was.
What a mess I was.
A design I placed in the stars, but only to flush out with water.

A new start, but remembering the past

As Madonna says, "Say goodbye to not knowing when the truth in my whole life began... and I'll remember the way that you changed me..."

I try to remember many things everyday of my life: How much my family loves me, trying to focus on the positive of a break-up, that I need to study more for the test next week, etc. But I know that I'm no longer a guest in my own life. It's mine and I finally feel like I have the strength to reach out and grab it, and take it back.

But the road has been long, and I've had to sit down many times, and I've gotten lost and given up many times. But I'm happy. I can say that I am happy with where I am in life right now. I still see a road ahead of me, many opportunities to learn, grow, stumble, laugh, and cry.

But that is life and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I went to a funeral of a close family friend this past weekend. She had a difficult, but good life. As we all do. But the thought that stayed close to me the whole weekend was that life is too short for grudges, hate, dislike, and all the things that in the end, only hurt the bearer.

It was important for my family to know me, know who I am. So I came out to my sister. We had been close growing up, but when I finally figured that girls just didn't make the mark, I closed her from my life, fearing that she would reject me. I need her and her family in my life. No one else seems to get me life she does. No one else can discuss growing up and how we felt and the trials we went though, and the good times we shared. No one else listens to my problems and rantings and then she vents and then gets mad when I won't just listen, she needs to get things off her chest and be heard, so she teaches me to just listen. I love that we are really talking again. I love that we can bare our souls and know that the other is just as vulnerable. I love having my sister in my life again.

I recently broke up with a man I thought I could start planning a life with. He wasn't ready. I mourn that I can no longer hold a great, beautiful man in my arms and call him lover, but I keep my eyes and thoughts fixed that one day I may hold this great, beautiful man in my arms and call him friend. I wasn't ready to let him go. I'm still holding on to him. But each day I'm learning to let go of the illusion we can posses. Each day I let him go a little more, and for now I travel in stillness. But I'll remember him, I'll remember happiness.

So I lift my head up and look toward the sun, and know that I must follow my heart. In this time of confusion and change, it's a very good place to start.

So to begin, I have decided that this is the year, my last full year in my 20s, and I am going to do what I keep not doing... haha.
I'm going to get in shape. I'm going to be more professional at work. I bought new pants and shirts for work so that can be a little more dressy, but still not too dressy. ;)
I want to change my image and start to be more classy. I want to be dapper at times.

Each day I hope to get a little more closer to who I am.

I am special too

I jump in.
No, stand back.
Take it slowly.
Take your time.
You've gone too far
too soon.
Take a step back while there
is still time.
You found someone beautiful.
Someone who makes you
feel beautiful.
But take back your heart.
It's too early to hand out.
Don't play the fool.
Again.

You are still special.
You are already whole.
You have your own life.
You fight for your own way.
You have shown that you
can make it alone.

Life will never be complete,
that's the best part.
Always changing,
always evolving.

Let go of illusions.
Stay with the truth.
Remember who you are.
I am still special.
I am me, and I am loved.

Just breathe

Wow, stress to the maximum is how I feel: finals, new relationship, being sick. I don't like it.

I am already terrible at relationships so I'm trying really hard to chill with this one and just keep it chill. Especially since it's just been a few weeks. But exacerbated with finals and being sick, I feel like the end is very near, and inevitable... ugh.

Breathe, breathe, breathe, xanax... lol

Still good advice...

I still remember a friend telling me to not be the victim. So I'm not going to fall into that trap again. I won't be the victim when it comes to this relationship. He seems to be perfect: met through good, mutual friends, we share similar interests, we are attracted to each other, I love his personality, I can listen to him talk - he keeps my interest... just so happy with him.

But with it come the fears of the unknown and uncertainties... but just have fun with it, keep from getting too involved too quickly, and of course when something doesn't work out the way I want, I will not be the victim but rather I will be a part in adjusting, fixing, and working to keep this good thing good. ;)

So I might be a hypocrite. Jealous. Loud. Pretentious. Threatened. Capitalist. Heaven forbid I be ignored or criticized. I may have abused my power, forgive me. I don't want to accept that we are all one.

You said wouldn't it be a shame to know how great I was minutes before I died. I cringed.

I was hoping we could heal each other. I was hoping we could be more together.

bring it back

Just burn all the memories, too many names and information.
Shadows on the floor in the kitchen.
Still trying to not be naive.

Going to New York, leave this behind in AZ.
I needed to know what type of people I'd deal with there.
I'm now overly cautious. I try not to be head-strong.

Terrified.

I'm not wanting to stare, but why you haven't cracked open yet has me amazed.
I tried to be there, but you pused us away.

Resilient. Big-time. Ahead-of-your-time.
You are. I am.

I can still get mad

I'd be lying if I said I was alright with how you've moved behind my back.
I'd just be proving you right by keeping quiet or speaking up.
What can my reaction be? You have me figured out, don't you?
I just can't not. I can't not fight when I'm misread.

Needing a hug is whining. You'd be slighted if I said your love isn't love.
But I can't complain can I? Because I'm the one reaching for it, aren't I?
I can't help wonder why you even ask me.

You think you're the right one.
You think you're the charmed one.
Who do you think you are really, underneath?

Why do you offend me?
Why do you affect me still?
Why to you hinder me?
Why do you unnerve me still?
Why do you trigger me after all this time?

I can't like everyone

Are you still trying to make up for what you lack?
Are you mad that I had to have emotional affairs?
Are you still mad I didn't play into your palm?
Of course you are.

Do you still want to make me jealous by flirting wildly?
Do you remember that I always had one foot out the door?
Do you want to still use me as a cruch?
Of yours you do.

Are you mad that I could only like your potential?
Are you mad that I threw in the towel?
Are you mad that I gave up long before you did?
Of course you are.

Hope is no Secret

I don't know how many times I've hit a wall. And then hit another, and another, and another. It's like I get off by hitting walls. I like to put myself in positions to squirm, and fret, and try to find the light and air. Always fighting to make it work when I'm the one sabotaging myself.

Sabotaging myself. But I still hope I'll get better.

I've talked about a guy. I've wanted a guy. I've crushed after him, I've lusted after him.
But I wouldn't date me either. I wouldn't date me either.
Will things be the same? Or will I make them better?

Happiness lies in my own hands, will I take me longer to understand that?

I need to learn to love myself, I need to learn to love who I am. No more fighting, no more hollow promises, only to return to the sloth and envy, the self-spoiling.

So I share a secret, I share what I feel inside, I share in hopes I'll be held accountable by myself. So let me start. Let me accomplish much as I work hard for it. Let me enjoy the things I've earned. Let me feel content that I have worked hard and I deserve happiness, and I'll let myself be happy, finally.

When you play the game too long, no one can take you seriously.
I never got to tell you how I feel.

I put my bets on the table, my cards in my hand.
But set the stakes too high, you're bound to lose.
This game of love only brings pain.

I'll never be more than just a friend.
But you gave me something to remember.
You told me to love myself first, then someone else can.
We weren't meant to be.

Happiness I thought was with you,
wish I had the chance to prove.
What a shame, who's to blame?

I place my bets and show my cards.
Just friends,
but you gave me something to remember.

That's Funny!

(Mommy works at Home Depot – she was selling a shovel, not pole dancing!)

You can't say

You knew what would happen.
You knew how it would end.
You read the signs.
You saw the subtleties.
This should be no surprise.

So do you twist the truth now?
Are you happy now?
So it's time to hold on.
It's time to move on.

In the night, I cried so hard.
These ridiculous thoughts fill my head.

I shouldn't have trusted.
It's not going to happen now.
So now it's time to move on.
Now it's time to move on.

Still I wish I didn't feel the cry.
I wish I didn't allow such ridiculous thoughts to fill my head.
So now I hold on,
So now I move on.

sideways tonight, then logical tomorrow

Do I allow myself to dream when I know it will end?
What do I say when confronted with 10 minutes of joy?
What happens when the song is over?
Do I concentraite on the end or the beginning?
Can I run that far?

No I will grow weary.
I will need to sit down.
I cannot knowingly lead my heart to an end.
I will no longer fight uphill.

But in my dreams just tonight
I will run until I can run no more.
I will kiss until my lips feel no more.
I will love until my heart aches,
I will love until my heart breaks,
I will love until there's nothing more to live for.

we hold the key to the cause right here, underneath

Look at me jumping ship when I say I'm on board.
Look at me try to love you when I hate myself.
Look at me open my arms wide and form a clique.
Watch me as I begin to turn the tide.
I hold the key to the cause.


I'm in the middle of a crazy 4-test week. But so far I'm surviving...


Hottie:

The morning came quickly. He dressed quietly and opened the bedroom door. It had been a fun, crazy night. He had shared a cab to his friend's house and crashed in the guest bedroom. At the time he was excited to go home with his firend, he had had a crush on him since they met just a couple months earlier. He'd left his car there in anticipation of cabbing it. He got to his car and went home. He enjoyed a good crush, but it was time to let this one go, and just enjoy the friendship. He had stayed in the guest room.

in praise of a vulnerable man

Funny. Most other bloggers want people to read and comment on what they write, but I find that I avoid sometimes writing because I don't want people to read what I write.

But at the same time I don't care that people read my thoughts and what's in my head. Not like I'm going to divulge any super personal information, but anyway... I really like writing. I like to express myself through words. It's a me thing.

I saw Madonna. I saw Alanis. I loved both concerts.

Last night we had a theme party and everyone dressed in drag. It was a hoot. I was going for a $2 hooker look. I totally achieved it.

The man I want to unravel is tightly knit. He won't budge from is tower. I can only walk up to the wall and talk, hoping to get information, to learn of him. I wonder why he has a shell up. My friends say not to bother with him, but there's something in me that wants to continue prying, probing, hoping that I might find a crack. He said that he is boring. I asked about lovers and he said he's not at a place right now for that.
I wonder what happened to him, or what happened in the past to cause such thoughts and actions.

I of course continually battle myself and my insecurities. I'm happy but know I need to do so much more. I'm the one that stands in my way. But learning to accept myself and accepting that I need to change... it's quite the feat. I feel that I've moved into a space in my life where I feel comfortable, but fortunate. If that makes sense. I don't want to take anything for granted, so the "comfortable" can be misleading. I've played my cards wrong with others and ended up losing some good people and causing more work for myself down the road. But I don't cry for them anymore, and I don't cry for me anymore. I try to remember that setting stakes too high is bound for a loss.

So trying to relax these days, yet get tons of work done. Pharmacy school is not for the faint of heart. I hope I do well on these tests coming up. I will need to get my act together definitely by tomorrow. Today I went to a friend's baby shower and it was soo good to see her. I'm really happy that we're still friends. She and I have been though a lot together.

Some really good advice that I am learning to incorporate in my life:

"Be wise." My mom said that to me and it's an all-encompassing phrase. She meant that with my time and my priorities to be wise. Wow... I needed to write this to remind myself that I have a bit more work to finish before I'm off for the night.

"There comes a point where you just have to stop." A friend from Chicago said this to me when he and I were visiting San Diego. It was in a little restaurant in Hillcrest. I'd been drinking and he was put out by me. I was pressing why he had flirted with me before we met, and after we met he was totally aloof, or very "just friends." I understand now why. Or at least I've answered it for myself. But back to the advice. Stopping me when I'm full is difficult. I have an obsessive personality and when I get on a kick, I tend to ride it to the highest tide. It can be damaging. Learning to control myself, and learning to stop when I know I reach the stopping point.

I'm constantly feeling like I'm learning to trade fame for love, but I always second think things. I run, rush into things I know won't make me happy in the long run, well, be wise Ryan, be wise.

I won't be bothered

The rain was warm. Despite the drops of water falling from the sky the night was still. 14 years I hadn't felt like this. I once drempt of sailing on a clear water with the stars looking down on me. I didn't know where I was going, and I didn't care. I woke up and thought what a terrible metaphore that is.

"My name is Dita, I'll be your mistress tonight."

Full Dream

He saw the lines of light on the wall, sneaking though the thick drapes, heralding the rise of the sun. He wanted to return to sleep but his mind lurched forward to begin thinking of all he needed to do that day. A moment of solace would be wonderful he thought to himself. The night seemed to cloak the wearies of the day, to put off the events and accomplishments for just a few hours. He was happy enough, grateful even for having such occupancies of his time. Really he'd rather be no where else. But a moment, a second of peace was more relished than a gold coin might.
This was the dream he had been dreaming. This is what he wanted, he knew it. Now with a course in sight, he would bloom out to capture more of his goals and dreams. But just a few more moments of sleep would oblige him greatly.

up & down & all around: survival

I'm not going to be an angel. But it seems I try to attain it.

I feel like I'm in the same rut I have been in for a long time now. confidence is so funny. When will I get it? When I'm not confident, what am I? A victim?

I no longer wonder what happened, why things happened as they did between C and I.
I get it now.
I get that I was a mess beyond help, except though experience and my own introspection would I lift myself from. I think I'm still lifting. I think I'm over it. I hope I am. I'm pretty sure. I no longer look back with a devout fondness, nor disdain. I look back at it as a time in my life, just like other times in my life. There was joy, there was sorrow, but it was a time all the same.

This is fresh in my mind because a friend pulled some games on me and I saw that I didn't want to play anymore. And I feel that the only thing I can to which is best for both of us is to walk away.

Now I see that it's time to put my shoulder to the wheel. Rome was not built in one day, and neither will I become what I want to be. But it will take one day at a time.

I find I'm still running

stop stop
run run
block block
look for a way out
run to the sun
run to the moon
avoid the sun
avoid the rain
hide your tears
hide your fears
run run
stop stop

I'm looking for me

I run past my school
I run past my mom
I run past my life

stop, hold my breath.
I'm accountable
It's me
I'm not ready, still preparing myself

time to taste the rain,
time to taste my tears
time to face my fears

time to stop running
and face me

on me

some time for myself
I fell hard this time
good friends, next time
I won't be so blind
But for me now
I'll chalk it up to experience
and take some time
this time

not mine

I see you out, alone. No there are gloves on the chair next to you.
I'm happy you're happy, call me sometime.
My mind races, I try to slow down.
You've been on my mind.

Give you my heart
my pain won't cover up
I can't take it
You left me alone

I saw all that you are
I wanted to be open
But the works were awkward,
For years I needed to give you something.

You left me in the past.
Can't hold this love.
I can't change this,
Can't take it back (can't change your mind)

sometimes

I had to walk on,
I just wanted to hold you.
I say I can love you.
But it's fine.
I see the stars.

Walking down an empty street,
no one near.
But I know it's fine,
I see the stars.

(How do you know you?)
(How do I know you're true?)

Tonight like all the others,
we walk in the cool evening.
I'm alright,
I see the lights.

Neon lights, cigarettes, rented rooms, empty bars, golden lights, misty breath, colored shoes, I'm tired of crying on the stairs...

I couldn't

The orchestra started up.
I confess I was a little nervous,
I didn't recognize the song.

The people began to show up
In their party clothes.
The line was bowing.

You said what a pretty thing,
the steps to dance, leading me through.
suddenly I thought I knew the song.

I see how they follow, jump
(they jump)
turn (they turn)
I look back,
I won't be there.

on my mind

My mom sent an email that was kind of against gays. It offended me. But I kept quiet. But I felt some distance form between us. I just don't know still what to think abou it...

But on better news, I feel like I'm getting into the swing of school.

Smoke and Lights

The evening is quiet. I think about you.
I miss your smell, your style, the way you form your words.
I think of how you look at me.
These are the things that I miss.

Now I enter a time not for the weak.
I've stood at the top of a tower and dreamt from the fields.
Why I let myself think I'd take you in my arms.
Traveling to that land not many have let me go.
I wonder what you do in your free time now.

I lay down my torch. I lay down my sword. I lay down my shield. I lay down my heart. I lay down my abandonment. I lay down my breath. I lay down my thoughts. I lay down.

Five story fire. What a game we played. What a mess we made. What a fool I was. What a mess I was. A design I placed in the stars, but only to flush out with water.

Nothing has been clear for me. Nothing has been warm to me. I have kept one foot out the door. I have been looking for a home. I live in a limbo.
My identity.
My dreams.
My hopes.
My truths.
My breath.
My home.
My family.
My self.
What I see around me. Dear friends, my books, my memories, my treasures, my home.
I learn my purpose, I begin to set my roots. I know I can be apart of. No precluding myself, applying my wisdom. Why I think I'm not when I am.

I'm ready to be forward, moving, going, happening.

I think I put my heart back to me. No more trying to speak to a cold wall. Change is in the ground, the foundation. Giving in to so many monsters and demons. No more window dreams when I have a world all around me. Dream my own priority, my own self, my own voice, my own heart.

I know what I am, what I can become. I see the road blocks, I see my self as a part of it.
Step me over, step over me.
Bring myself to me, meet for the first time.
Dream big, dream small, dream at night, Dream at Day, dream often, dream much.

Unconventional kid, intense, piercing eyes. Overrated, deserving. but wanting to just be happy. I'm nice, I'm good, I'm loved, I'm cared, I'm me.
By my own hand
underfed, labeled, canceled out by others, allowing, (stand up).
much intentions, mis read understood.
Bravery intrinsically. Bravery alone, all by myself.

Not living in my blind spot. Not usual. Deserving. Treat me like me.
Love me. So much to offer.

My secrets. My problems. No one to solve them but me.
No one else belongs here with me.
Hello, is there something wrong with me?
Sunday I cry all night. I hurt.
But this is who I am.
No one else belongs here with me.
Color code my swords and clean clothes.
I want you to be proud of me.
Am I that crazy? Is there something wrong with me?
Try to understand, this is who I am.
No one else belongs here with me.
But me.

Ha.

I guess I still have miles to go. Wow, the victim crept out of nowhere last night and setteled in all night. But when too much EtOH happens, that can happen. Ugh.

I felt like I was invisible last night. I didn't like it and I didn't like how I was handling it. I was trying to be someone else. Yearning to pretend to be someone else. Just for a moment. I wish I could displace myself 6000 miles.

Words are never enough.

So far away from what I want to be. So far away.
So I begin the journey. I begin my quest.
I'm alright, don't be sorry, but it's true.
In my voice I waiver and sometimes crumble.

So far away,
words are never enough.

wow

it all came back. he woke something in me. that something that makes me remember. i remember why I date men. i hope to date him.

el ultimo vals

wow. I cannot believe it. My favorite band in the world broke up. Well, the lead singer, whose voice was so distinctive and for me almost the band, left them. I'll miss her.So I have listened to the new voice of LodVG. She is good too, but not the same.

So I'm going to give them a shot... but I do love them... I saw them in concert... This makes me a little sad...

So I've developed a little crush on the base player of LOdVG. Alvaro. I'll be dreaming my dreams... ;)

The new paperboy done gone and broke my sternum

I'm tired. There's so much I need to do tomorrow for school. videogameboy done gone and caught my attention again. Rowingboy is surely a hottie, and nice, and smart.

Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Night.

Orchid, no rose please

It's very east to get distracted, side-tracked, amused with a site, caught up in other stuff... really anything applies when I'm not accomplishing the task I set out to do. I was in the shower and realized that I haven't written in this thing for some time. I was thinking how much fun I've had doing this. I like to let my thoughts out and allow them to flow to the world.

My favorite Alanis song right now is "Orchid." It makes me think about myself and how I view who I am. For so long I've defined myself based on how I perceive others seeing me. I look at my life, my room, my belongings like I'm looking through the eyes of others. It seems I'm always trying to please. Also I had a recent incident of "the victim" crop up. It worried me. I don't want to digress.

I've been thinking a lot about VideoGameBoy (VGB). He said a very poignant comment. I was looking though his library and admiring, commenting, and asking about the books he had read, or at least had on his shelf. And then when we settled down to play a video game, he asked what the last book I read was. It was Wicked. And I think that is the only book I have read this year. This year. Wow.
I really had thought that I had read more than that. So I've been thinking that I need to read more. I'm trying to read The Other Bolyn Girl and also Lord Jim, but I have only just read few pages into them. It seems I'm much more intrigued to watch a re-run of The Simpsons.

Who am I now? Where did the Ryan go that used to read? That used to have a zest for life? Am I treating my life like a rose when really it's an orchid? Wanting, seeing, hoping, waiting, doing what I think I should do, but going about it all wrong?

Am I happy? Not fully I don't think. Not fully.

Today I weighed in. I weight X. I want to become X-12lbs by the end of Sept. My late evening snacking is what I really, really need to work on. On a 1-5 scale, I snacked at a 3 tonight. It was awful. I'm trying to not be upset, I snack all the time, and old habits die hard. I need to progress.

I miss some people tonight. I miss The Waterless Fish. But he's out of my life, and despite the sentiments dwelling on his absence, I am happy. I think I'm beginning to love what we shared and I'm okay with him moving on with his life. I have a few questions, but the fact that they have no answer may be the answer.
I miss the dancing girls. They always knew how to make me feel like the most special guy in the world.

Class is going well. I am trying to get a handle on what I'm doing with it all. 17 credits is a heavy load and juggling it is rough for me. But worth it. It has to be, is this my dream, or a hurdle? It's all about perspective.

Lastly, Xaiver has been on my mind a lot. He's bust with his job, love life, family, schooling, his life. I wish I could just hold him tonight as I fall asleep. Silly of me to even muse of him, but I do so tonight.

I'm on the road to get happy, not that I'm not happy, but I know I have potential.

"I'm a sweet piece of work
Well intentioned and unloved
Unlabeled and misunderstood
Treated like a rose as an orchid"

Good for me

So it was good for me to hang out with R. He reminded me that I'm not as busy, or even fit-to-be-tied as I thought I was. I can do so much more.
So much more.
He's good for me.
I need to start reading again. I need to clean my room again. I need to look at the sky again. I need to enjoy the birds chirping again. I need to take Ginger for walks again. I need to call my mom more often. I need to babysit my neices and nephews more.
So much more.
A bump on a log no longer. A heap on my bed no more.
I can be so much more.

Something

So Madonna is now 50. I'm looking to move, and I'm tired.

I may have it a wall

I'm so tired of all the crap. Really.
I'm tired of these ideals, and if you're not up to par, you suck.

Wow.

I'm tired of all this crap.

I think I allow myself to be in the crap.
I'm getting out.

I don't care if it's not right,

I still want your arms around me.

Pot of coffee, consulting the coffee rings. When do I tell myself to get over you?
The the unknown intrigues me. I want to get into your head, learn your thoughts.

I could never know you well, you're too complex.
That is what draws me to you.
(The coffee's cold now)
My attention is drawn to thoughts of you sleeping next to me. You move, your leg touches mine.
I debate internally if I should respond or if you just sleeping. Sleep usually won, and still wins.
I want to put my thoughts of you to sleep.

Be the friend you indirectly tell me you need.
I think that I'll be done with it. Tell myself to just be done with it.

I wonder if the microwave should heat the coffee.
I wonder if the microwave could heat your emotions.
I wonder if the microwave would bring us together.
And then I laugh.

Chasing what I thought

I tried to think you were good for me. You were though. I thought I knew.

But I try to remain unaffected.

There's this emotion that I feel in my core. I know what it means, I know who makes me feel it. But with him, lonely is a garuntee, he's not coming home to me.
Please can I go with you? I'll be your beauty #2.
Hey can I go with you? My beauty is only number two.
It's over, I don't want to be over. It's not over.

I wish I were. I wish I were the object he wanted.
But he sees me as a rose, to not be touched.
I know I'm not, I'm an orchid.
I'm all intense around him, trying to hide my faults.
I want to trust him with my heart, and have him trust me.

Happy to be incomplete

By that I mean still evolving. I am a sweet piece of work, or I want to think so. I wonder if I'm like an orchid but trying to live like a rose.

Putting both feet into my life. I don't want to live half-way anymore.

it's been awhile

I'm good, but...
I like him, but...
They like me, but...
I think I want to, but...

Are you limitations? Until I try I won't know.
I wish you would just like myself. Happy in chosing this moratorium.

Moratorium from the flavors of entanglement. (By Alanis) (I good new word)

So now I chose to fly solo, to fly free. Just like Elphaba.
I hope I'm happy.

sense of myself

Finally understand where I go wrong. Comprehend my mistakes. A foundation of direction. No more limbo. Still growing up. Still making mistakes. Still not understanding. Still falling off my foundation. Hoping for divine perfection.
Done.
Gone. Here.
Starting. Beginning.
Commencement. Finished.
End.
Fun now, fun later. Learn from my past. Smile, love, accept, enjoy, utopia, hell, cry, friends, lovers, cheating, honesty, it's a bitch to learn, it's wonderful to love, knowledge is power.

Keep going forward, I'm afraid to be stagnant.

myself/ground

I've lost myself. I'm not writing for me anymore:

I forget why I do what I do.
Why I like what I like.
What makes me, me.

So much has happened, and rather quickly. I thought I wanted it so badly. But now I find I don't want all that.

I want to be happy. I've changed my mind on people, places, things, etc. I'm trying to be what I'm not. I'm trying to be what I think I should be. But not what I am.

Stepping out of the whirlwind. Finding the light and quiet again. Watching a leaf fall to the groud; blow in the wind. When the sun sets and the city sky reflects the particles to its canvas. Feeling words get caught under my fingernails. Digging in the water, running to catch the dust. Remembering to remember much and often, and smile twice that. Looking for my room's ground. New goals phoenix the old ones. Old knowledge pouring new. A life of understanding, fruition, events, passings, etc. Making bonds, mending damaged bonds, breaking bad bonds. Anticipating May, brooding over December.

Heavy on my heart

It's hard. I say. Can the sun ever shine too much?

In My Mind's Eye

I am sitting on a large rock, over a stream. My feet are in the water, being stirred by the current, and I'm enjoying the cool water. I feel like I've walked a very long way.

Recently some stuff has gone down. And I find that after my initial reaction of feeling hurt and betrayed, I am stepping back to analyze the situation.
Am I happy? Was I happy? What went wrong? Was I completely to blame? Do I want to hang around to see if it gets better? I was hurt once already.
I'm always quick to point out that I'm not perfect. But I don't think I deserved all that was shot out at me. The silence. The disregard. Treating me like a child. Talking down to me.
My emotions have recoiled. It's not the same: things are different, things have changed for me. It's still weird. I'm in a limbo. I know that I am waiting, I'm hesitating.

I'm hoping that he will try to make amends, try to reach out to me. But I can't return on my own.

Once bitten, twice shy.

Things are different, but have things changed?

I saw something very similar written on someone's myspace. It made me think. And I think I liked the implications of it. You can move to a different spot in the theater, but still see the same show. Only your view is different. Hopefully it's a bit more clear. I hate to think someone would move to distort or block his/her view.

I know that I view things much more differently. I think it is more clear too. But I still have a lot of uncertanties in my mind. But only time carries the answers. And my job is to be patient.

I knew I wasn't ready to be done, I knew I needed to try again. I knew I needed to explore other possibilities. I knew I was not going to give up. And I had to start to look at things differently. I had to look at myself, my life, where I was going. I can't forget who I am, but I always want to learn how to become a better person.

So it's the summer-- summertime...

So much swirling around my thoughts: new boy, graduation, pharmacy school in the fall, etc. I think you can call me happy.

At the Polls...

Which one do you like best? From left to right: #1, 2, 3, or 4?

Day 1 - voices ring in my head

I woke up with this song in my head. He was staying over. I worried that he didn't sleep well. I know that I was up a lot. Weird, but I think I'm at the two-week-withdrawl. I find that I'm starting to find why I shouldn't like him. But it's just fear. He's still good, a great guy. My insecurities usually pop up around this time to convince me I'm happier alone. They say that he really doesn't like me. But what do they know?

I find that when he's away from me, I like him more.

My nail biting needs to come to an end. That is something I need to work on. Also I'm going to the gym right after the laundry gets done in the washer. This is all part of my goal for the 90 days.

I'm getting over some of my past. The only conclusion I could draw was that I just need to put it in a box and forget about it for now. I don't know how to deal with certain emotions and feelings that still creep up from time to time. I'm hoping that as time goes by I'll understand them more, or really learn to not worry about them. I'll truly get over them. I think it's all part of getting my ego in check. I'm still prideful about a lot of things and still indignat and angry about them as well. I still blame others in my heart for what happened.

I blame them for their weaknesses. I don't feel they are totally unscathed, and totally in the right. I don't think they handled it as they should have. But we are all still just kids.

I've learned that with age one does get wiser, but one is still prone to act childish. I thought that adults had it all figured out, but I see that we all are still trying to understand life and figure ourselves out. I don't think anyone really has it figured out.

More Musing

I feel like a fuzzy dream is just ending. What was ASU? I'm no longer there, I'm no longer in my undergrad. I'm going to be starting a doctorate program. Technically you could call me a Dr. when I graduate from pharm school. I always wanted to be a Dr, and I guess now I'll be one. Course I always thought It'd be a medical doctor. But I don't want to practice medicine.

This summer I want to concentrate on goals that I simply need to accomplish.

Tomorrow thought Aug 2nd starts a 90-days programme. I don't know what it entails totally, but that I'm going to be very productive... lol.

"Miles Away"

That's my favorite song from the album so far. "All my dreams, they fade away. I'll never be the same." I feel that I'm in a transition: graduation, pharmacy school, new boy. My coworker and I were talking that life just seems to be going really, really well. We're both waiting for the shoe to drop, for life to slap us back down with a splintered ruler. But I get that life is what you make it. You get what you give. What goes around comes around. I've been trying really hard to be a good person; to not be victimized, to be strong, to let little shit go. "So far away..." could possibly be an introspection to where she wishes she were, to where she wants to get.
I feel so far away still from what I want to be, but so much closer at the same time.

I still struggle with letting the past go. There are still people who creep around in my thoughts that I thought, that I hoped were resolved, but they are not.
I still silently cringe when I hear their name. I still lower my eyes when I see them out. I still feel a hollow lump form in my chest when I hear news about them.

I wish I could let it go.
I wish I could just get over it.
I wish I could just go on.

I have moved on in my life. I have made progression. I think I'm a good person. I've learned from my mistakes. I've learned not to assume the worst. I've learned to just let people be who they are. I've learned to not expect anything from others, except myself.

But I still don't move on. I still digress. I still let myself get tripped up on illusions.

I hope with time I'll get better.

My thoughts, my rants, my raves

So I was just browsing the other day, and decided to visit http://ohlalaparis.com and I see that they've GROWN. A lot. I remember when they were just beginning, or at least when I first started to visit. I haven't been by but a handful of times in the past 2 years, and I guess they've moved onto bigger and better, and I'm sure much more lucrative things. I still remember when they were smaller and I LOVED one of the pics they took.

So I tried to look for it and ended up going through some memories, lots of old friends and good times... wow. But I couldn't find it. But the point was that one of the guys emailed me directly. I'm sure they are still in touch, but I'm sure they are much more busy.

What was the point? I don't know other than things change. sigh.

I cannot wait for Madonna's new album. YUM!

A Petal that isn't Torn

I've been thinking that there's a lot that I need to drop from my life. I need to let go of a lot. Still.
I feel that I have made much progress, but it's still so easy to fall into the same habits and the same ruts. I've fought to be so strong, and move beyond my hang-ups. But I still fall.
Sometimes I go to a secret garden, a place that I can be where there is no bad and all the crazy thoughts in my head are normal. But I'm still thirsty to understand life, and my yearning for knowledge increases.
I've become very picky about lovers. I don't want just anyone. I'm happy to be alone, and can wait forever because I don't want to settle.

I am a fan of Madonna. But purely from a writing point of view, this article on Madonna was very well done. I thought so anyway. The writer apologetically uses references with out explaining the meaning and the context. I loved it. I felt like I was reading literature (to be so brash). I felt like it wasn't another "This is Madonna, and this is what I think of her" (though he did offer his opinion quite a bit). He painted her in shades and lights, used metaphors, and presented a story. I was intrigued. Oh, and reading something new on Madonna was nice.

So Many Thoughts...

I have so much swirling around in my head right now. It seems that finally things are going the way they need to. But more importantly, I think I finally understand that it's me who makes them happen.
I look back over this past year and I feel like it was a dark and bumpy road. I was unsure, depressed, and not doing a whole lot to get myself out of there. But around December I started to pull myself out of it. It was difficult. It was a process. I'm still working my way to a better me; a better life.
The road is still going to be rough and tough at times, I'm going to fall down and have to get back up, but I feel like I've made it though the longest stretch of hard terrain. I feel like I have the strength in me to deal with what may come next.

I'm looking forward to the road ahead.

I think the biggest change was that I accpted that I needed to change. I feel like I'm a better person, more so in my life. I'm doing what I know needs to get done. I'm trying to improve. My goals are to better myself and try to better the world around me. Then things will happen when they need to happen. I'm sure I'll find someone who fits like a glove into my life; someone I adore and who adores me.
I'm happy, I'm getting more happy as I continue to set and attain my goals. I know I'm capable of doing anything. It will just take hard work to do it. And I'll always reach for the things that may be just beyond my grasp. But I won't know until I try.

First; Latest

Just Friends

I at the wall by the fountain.
You walking to me.
Clear, fresh night. My flame for you strong.
My universe on you.

You low, me high.
Mirrors in the room.
You in my eyes.
What a dream.

I felt the same.
Like you had never left me.
One, two martini later.
Time always wins.

I wanted more.
I still want more.
But right is obeyed.
All a flash, in a dream.

Where to start. But I'm tired. I'm lying through my smile. I'm dying away inside. I'm happy you're in love. You are special.
I do adore you so. You're so beautiful. Do you know how I feel? How do you feel? How do you feel without me? I'm so powerless, I need to sit up straight. Why's it happening? How's it it happening that you feel it with out me?
It's good to be in love. I'm really happy for you. I'm happy you're in love.

You don't look at me like you used to. You don't speak anymore in "us." Excuses have taken your place, and I ask you to not come back. You should know well at your age what this does to a heart.

All the time I spent with you... all the time...

a letter not left behind

I'm not sure why, but as I entered the kitchen I immediately noticed that the bowl of fruit was different: one of the apples was missing. When I entered the office, I thought my desk looked like most things were shifted a few centimeters off. The bedroom had a faint hint of my cologne; the bed seemed to be straightened up just off from how I left it.

I opened the door, went to your room and laid on your bed. I closed my eyes, you were just on the other side, I didn't reach out. I sprayed your cologne and smelled you again. I saw the papers on your desk, same bills and correspondence as always. I knew you liked the apples the best, so I was able to taste you once more.
I should leave, the sun is setting. I should go before you catch me here.

I sat down at the table, staring at the fruit bowl. I'd have given you so much more if you had only waited just a minute longer.

You're Right,

I think I am tired of playing the victim. Thanks for pointing that out.

make right

A veces, cuando el aire se halla quieto, y mis pensamientos deambulan por donde quieran, te encuentro. Te encuentro sentado en un rincon de mi mente, a veces sonriendo, otras veces pensando en algo. Pero siempre veo tus ojoas oscuros sino claros. Me cuentan un cuento lleno de lomas y llanos, de una vida que esta envuelto en cristal.
Pero ya no escalo aquellas lomas de mi pasado contigo. Y todavia no se porque no. Te fuiste sinc decir me por donde.
Pero no te segi, quiero que tengas tu libertad.

ojos rosados, pienso en ti

I smile to myself, close my eyes, you were so close to me.
I could talk for hours about anything with you.
I would try to cature your image to hold you with my always.
I was never so happy as when you were with me.

So I don't question why sometimes I stumble.
I don't wonder when my eyes only look through tears.
I choke up at your memory, it's no mystery,
I don't know how to get over you.

laughing away the tears

Never forget. Keep it alive. Promise to try.
Head held high. Ride like the wind. Don't look behind.
Life isn't fair.
Don't run away so fast. Kiss goodbye.
It's gonna be alright.

I fought to be so strong. I was afraid.
You've got to forget the past. Learn to forgive.
Don't let memory play games. Just a faded smile frozen in time.

Can't kiss you goodbye, but I promise to try.

Something Different

I'm not sure if it was a benign break-up or if we really are going to give it a shot. I'd like to think the latter. It's been ages since I've found someone that my heart attatched to. Actually my heart threw itself on him and clutched at him so tightly that you could see the knuckles white with strain. I told it to get off, but really I was content.
The conversation was real, it was fun, it was with him.
He's at a point where he needs to devote a lot of his energy on himself.
I know in my heart I need to figure things out before I exert energy on someone else as well.

I suggested that we not say goodbye, but rather be in each others' lives. I said that we can move slowly, take time to see if it is something we have or if it's not. But in the meantime we wouldn't feel compelled to spend every moment with the other, rather get together when we can. We should be relaxed about it.

I don't know if it will work. Was it selfish on my part?

I just knew that I wasn't going to let him go without a fight.

I'm not going to demand his time or make him feel obligated to see me, talk to me, listen to me, be around me. I'm going to be casual about it, though right now my heart is feeling despondent because I have taken it away from him. Or trying.

But I felt urges to cry today. All day. I could feel the sobs creeping up my throat. I would have been happy to let them out, but they never fully came out. I knew why. I want him to want me. I'd love him to love me. But I couldn't cry. My heart was saying goodbye, releasing its grip. It's been a long time since I've felt that emotion. When something that made you feel good slipped though your hands.

But if you truly care for someone or something, you let him/it go and allow him/it to return on his/its own accord, right?

And if he doesn't come back, he did leave me with a memory and also a knowledge that I still can be found to be attractive, desirable, and all that. I've been batteling some strong self-doubt lately. He was a welcome breath of fresh air.

I've been in a low these past days. They've hurt. I've hurt. But this is who I am.

I yern to find that love. I've felt it, I know he can be found out there. But it seems that it's always just beyond my grasp. I look at a picture of two of my friends. They are so happy in the picture. I worry I'll never know it.

I worry. I learn. I let go.

How to jump into the darkness. How to see you leave paradise. How to make a circle on the beach. My heart is irreversible. Destiny marked it. Hearing the rain we sleep through.

I've been so high, to the sky. I've been so down, to the ground.

Your paradise is not for me.

since no one else belongs here with me (there must be something wrong with me)

(I can't forget what you've forgotten.
I was pretending, really your secret kiss was my escape.
The perfect game to play.)

10, 9, 8 and I'm breaking away
7, 6, 5, 4 and I'm over you
3, 2, 1 and I'm having fun.

(Your facination with bare walls and skin.
With no conditions I needed you to notice.
That's all I wanted.)

10, 9, 8 I'm dressed and ready to play
7, 6, 5, 4 there's much more to do
3, 2, 1 and I'm having fun.

(You sat in the morning light, color-coded.
Your back and star facing my direction with blank stares.
I try to understand.)

10,9 I can't wait it's a new day
8, 7, 6 error on us both
5, 4, 3 you don't belong with me
2, 1 this is who I am.

(I'm really not that crazy.
I tried so hard to not drop the pieces.
Sunday I cried all night, shattered dreams.
I wanted you to be here.)

amazed

I was fine walking alone.
I was okay with idle chat.
I felt it better we kept a distance.
I wish I would have.

If only I could let you go
I don't understand why I need you.
I cannot stop myself.
Want you and no one else.

Now this heavy and bitter arrow
in my heart.
I want to set you free,
yet you're inside of me.

It's amazing what a boy can say,
I cannot stop myself.
It's amazing what a boy can do to me,
It's amazing.

Rainy Sunday

You don't know how hard I've tried to convince myself that I can just forget.
This feeling is still inside, you left it.
It never fails to find me.

On a rainy Sunday I feel you here in me,
like the days of summer, windows down and warm ocean water.
I'll never admit that we went too far.
It guards my hope of someday.