Interesting article on what women (and men) like about the male physique.
Enjoying some time with the family and especially the weather!!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
learning to move fast
She said that your body wants to heal itself. That made me think that it could be my mind that is working against my body in a sense. Are we on the same team? I also remember hearing someone say that you need to take care of and respect your body by how you treat it and what you put in it. It is the vessel that carries us through this life.
Interesting article on what women (and men) like about the male physique.
This is a friend of mine and he has worked hard for his physique, also in med school so he knows how to prioritize.. he's in insipration to get it done.
Enjoying some time with the family and especially the weather!!
Interesting article on what women (and men) like about the male physique.
Enjoying some time with the family and especially the weather!!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Whist
He lied in the sun, soaking up the rays but only enjoying them for a brief moment before the heat was too much. The party circled around him and he slipped into the pool to cool down and to visit with some friends. I know he wasn't watching me, I can't read his thoughts, but I was pretending I did. I wanted to get to know him, or get to know him better. But it's like that guy I'll never talk to. The combination hasn't lined up for me to try and give him a shot. I'm frightened of his rejection or him asking to just be friends, or even his disinterest in pursuing a friendship. I want to deserve him. I want to shine in his eye like a jewel.
Wa wa wa... enough longing and yearning for one night.
Wa wa wa... enough longing and yearning for one night.
Today went running around a pond, or whatever can be considered a pond in this part of AZ. But it it felt good to go for a run. It was start and stop a lot, but I did it; I got out and about!! That was a good thing for me. It was also out by my grandpa's farm... or what we called a farm.
The best part of the day way taking my nephew out for a walk around the park.
He pushed his stroller around most of the way. He is definitely a tank!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Ancient Thursday
When he thought I thought today. But that's been thrown around for years with no weight anymore. You're right, but let's not lose hope, comrade.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Frankly if my name was
Eww... broccoli just went in to be steamed and it really makes the place smell, but oh well. I went to the gym, first time in ages - 7 weeks I think. I weight myself and 291 is a large number. Scary large. I knew I gained weight, per the mirror, but morbidly obese is not what I want for myself.
I also had dinner with a friend last night, TH. The impression I left with from him was that life is what you make of it. He said that if you find happiness in eating a bag of cookies every night, then do it. I think I may have read into what he was saying also as to say, "so stop complaining and do something about it, I just don't want to waste our time together with you complaining about a situation you've never done much to try and change." Yeah, that's what I heard you say because that's what I needed to hear.
I also had dinner with a friend last night, TH. The impression I left with from him was that life is what you make of it. He said that if you find happiness in eating a bag of cookies every night, then do it. I think I may have read into what he was saying also as to say, "so stop complaining and do something about it, I just don't want to waste our time together with you complaining about a situation you've never done much to try and change." Yeah, that's what I heard you say because that's what I needed to hear.
Random the Thoughts
It's easy to fall into thinking of these drug consuming entities and forget that they are people.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
the end of the end of the end
It's not that I'm not interested. It's not that I don't think about the what ifs. It's not that I don't want it to go somewhere. It's that I know the timing is wrong. A long time ago JR kept saying that I wanted to play the field; was't ready to find a one. I never told him I was too insecure to try and pursue something serious with him. He was too beautiful in my eyes. I felt that once he got to know me and spend time with me, he would lose interest. I still think like that. That moment in my life is now in the open.
Not like that feel that with IJ, my confidence is boosted muchly than the past. I see him as not ready for a one. I see him still feeling like an attraction, not ready, but wanting to be around people to be free around people. That is what my gut instinct tells me.
I'm running and sabotaging it anyway. I'll always do that. I am still me. But I think there's a reason beyond my fucked up problems. Maybe.
Not like that feel that with IJ, my confidence is boosted muchly than the past. I see him as not ready for a one. I see him still feeling like an attraction, not ready, but wanting to be around people to be free around people. That is what my gut instinct tells me.
I'm running and sabotaging it anyway. I'll always do that. I am still me. But I think there's a reason beyond my fucked up problems. Maybe.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Love Spent
I don't understand. Foot in the door waiting for the better to spring up. I can only hope you find it. Actually, who actually hopes for that? I don't. I guess it just stings right now. You jumped on the next best visual forgetting all the visceral we shared. When you gonna come into reality? End angry rant.
Monday, April 16, 2012
convo
My sister. She told me that I had a core of awesomeness that I haven't even touched. I have everything going for me, I just need to stop being a coward and tap into it and be great. I see her that way. Only I see that she is tapping into it. I love her. We are so similar. I love our honest, loving connection.
I'm currently obsessed with this song:
Where life is perfect.
I'm currently obsessed with this song:
Where life is perfect.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Go to Marz
Not so good. Poor tests. Poor bread count. Scraping bottom and I don't want to know what's underneath. Not so good. Today.
New. Venlafaxine. So far really good. Good placebo. Placebo effect. Effective. New spark. New.
So carry on.
As for everything else. I forgot what I wanted to say. House clean, except for the papers. The papers that have been there since six years ago. Or something.
"But you didn't have to cut me off." Stuck in my head. Great song. I don't want to get used to this certain kind of sadness. Not the end, not always the end.
"Hold me like your money."
New. Venlafaxine. So far really good. Good placebo. Placebo effect. Effective. New spark. New.
So carry on.
As for everything else. I forgot what I wanted to say. House clean, except for the papers. The papers that have been there since six years ago. Or something.
"But you didn't have to cut me off." Stuck in my head. Great song. I don't want to get used to this certain kind of sadness. Not the end, not always the end.
"Hold me like your money."
Monday, April 09, 2012
What if I had fallen in?
What do you get when you ask Angry Angela to tell her sister Hysterical Hillary to inform Fatty Felicia that she cannot have Jack in the Box tonight? They are triplets, just turned 15 years old, it's that time of month. Yeah, welcome to my head.
I slept in until way too late and then did homework like a marathon runner with brief water and pee breaks.
Jump to me at the gym and trying.
Take out the recycling.
I was in a daze all day today and still feel like it. While I was at the gym, I thought about just accepting that the daze was the new life. I hope not. I don't like it.
I do like the silk robe. But it's about too hot these days. Grr. I'm over the Phoenix summer.
I slept in until way too late and then did homework like a marathon runner with brief water and pee breaks.
Jump to me at the gym and trying.
Take out the recycling.
I was in a daze all day today and still feel like it. While I was at the gym, I thought about just accepting that the daze was the new life. I hope not. I don't like it.
I do like the silk robe. But it's about too hot these days. Grr. I'm over the Phoenix summer.
Sunday, April 08, 2012
Easter passed over
He woke up, 7:30 bright and early. It was a new thing for him, to wake up so early; early since just a few weeks earlier crawling out of bed before 9 was a feat of greatest proportions. Immediately thoughts of the movie the previous night played in his mind's eye: Catniss' expression when Peeta didn't want to pretend, his look into her eyes on the train home after The Games.
Shower.
Clean up some clutter. Still not the desk. Never the desk. Last place on earth to get organized. Cleaning merely meant putting the piles of paper elsewhere in the room, on a seat, floor, anywhere but on the glass desk top.
Oatmeal, coffee. Not in that order.
Watch a movie of Argentine origin. Let's call it Plan B. The movie was great, good-ish. Okay, he liked it. He liked how there was a lot of "thinking time" in the movie. Lots to think about. People don't just rush in. Some do, but they are fools. These characters thought a lot about where they were going. Or so it seemed. Maybe it was just a weekend. Weekend. That show was amazing. He was still in a daze over it. Well done. They tried, kind of, but tried still. Kind of. But they did entertain the thought of trying. They grew. One grew. They both may have grown. He grew: it allowed a few precious tear drops to fall from his dry eyes. He wishes he could cry more. He feels like he has sobs that are yearning to come out. But they cannot. He doesn't suppress them, they just don't come. Sobs feel good. Releasing the emotion feels good. He likes to cry but cannot so instead listens to lots of sad songs. These sad movies are a new venture. He's watched more movies in the past four days than he has in the previous four months.
A phone call with a dear friend who was celebrating graduating pharmacy school and her new tattoos in honor of her achievement. She's got issues but he was only all too happy to talk to her, and express his issues too. But hers are more interesting for him. They involve scandal in a benign sense of the word. Not much more than any other stressed mother about to graduate a doctorate program. Good for her.
Not much else. Kramer vs. Kramer. A movie he's been meaning to get through. Good show. Safeway and run into an attractive older man, attractive friend. Attractive and partnered friend. Run into him at Safeway in front of the chocolate. Attractive Friend looked good, he always does. He keeps up appearances well. Damn you chocolate aisle.
Shower.
Clean up some clutter. Still not the desk. Never the desk. Last place on earth to get organized. Cleaning merely meant putting the piles of paper elsewhere in the room, on a seat, floor, anywhere but on the glass desk top.
Oatmeal, coffee. Not in that order.
Watch a movie of Argentine origin. Let's call it Plan B. The movie was great, good-ish. Okay, he liked it. He liked how there was a lot of "thinking time" in the movie. Lots to think about. People don't just rush in. Some do, but they are fools. These characters thought a lot about where they were going. Or so it seemed. Maybe it was just a weekend. Weekend. That show was amazing. He was still in a daze over it. Well done. They tried, kind of, but tried still. Kind of. But they did entertain the thought of trying. They grew. One grew. They both may have grown. He grew: it allowed a few precious tear drops to fall from his dry eyes. He wishes he could cry more. He feels like he has sobs that are yearning to come out. But they cannot. He doesn't suppress them, they just don't come. Sobs feel good. Releasing the emotion feels good. He likes to cry but cannot so instead listens to lots of sad songs. These sad movies are a new venture. He's watched more movies in the past four days than he has in the previous four months.
A phone call with a dear friend who was celebrating graduating pharmacy school and her new tattoos in honor of her achievement. She's got issues but he was only all too happy to talk to her, and express his issues too. But hers are more interesting for him. They involve scandal in a benign sense of the word. Not much more than any other stressed mother about to graduate a doctorate program. Good for her.
Not much else. Kramer vs. Kramer. A movie he's been meaning to get through. Good show. Safeway and run into an attractive older man, attractive friend. Attractive and partnered friend. Run into him at Safeway in front of the chocolate. Attractive Friend looked good, he always does. He keeps up appearances well. Damn you chocolate aisle.
Monday, January 09, 2012
This short has been everywhere and it hit me again today (Madonna's facebook page posted it):
This morning I left my head in bed and had a Dr's appt, went to the gym and did a few errands. My head still feels like I haven't quite woken up. So with that light I looked at my PoF account. And since I'm not thinking clearly I looked at SG's profile. He is the one that I allowed myself to like too much too quickly. And two weeks (yeah, two weeks) I was into him and he told me that he only felt friendship, that he couldn't offer more than that and wasn't attracted to me sexually. For some reason I got the crazy notion in my head that if I got my butt to the gym then over a few months he'd see that he does indeed need me, and is attracted to me, blah blah blah.
So he's been on that dating site within the past week and I knew it was going to sit and ache in my stomach when I saw that. He's just moving on with his life. Good for him. I'm stuck right now, but going to the gym is going to be good for me. I am still trying to focus on myself, stop this silly relationship lusting and busting and just be myself for a few months.
And then I see the movie like the one above and my heart feels a bit heavy again, longing for a guy to like me back. WaWaWa...
So, strong face forward and take that step:
Can you tell I've just found out that I can add youtube videos? sweet.
Classes start today so here goes the final didactic semester. Yay!
This morning I left my head in bed and had a Dr's appt, went to the gym and did a few errands. My head still feels like I haven't quite woken up. So with that light I looked at my PoF account. And since I'm not thinking clearly I looked at SG's profile. He is the one that I allowed myself to like too much too quickly. And two weeks (yeah, two weeks) I was into him and he told me that he only felt friendship, that he couldn't offer more than that and wasn't attracted to me sexually. For some reason I got the crazy notion in my head that if I got my butt to the gym then over a few months he'd see that he does indeed need me, and is attracted to me, blah blah blah.
So he's been on that dating site within the past week and I knew it was going to sit and ache in my stomach when I saw that. He's just moving on with his life. Good for him. I'm stuck right now, but going to the gym is going to be good for me. I am still trying to focus on myself, stop this silly relationship lusting and busting and just be myself for a few months.
And then I see the movie like the one above and my heart feels a bit heavy again, longing for a guy to like me back. WaWaWa...
So, strong face forward and take that step:
Can you tell I've just found out that I can add youtube videos? sweet.
Classes start today so here goes the final didactic semester. Yay!
Friday, January 06, 2012
I'm nearing the end of my first 3-week get-in-better-health program thingy. So far, not so bueno. But still bueno because I at least have made it to the gym 3-4 times a week for the past three weeks, in spite of those damned holidays! I also attempted for a cool beard, with the inspiration being:
Mine never even got close to that. Probably because I was hoping the beard would give me that full head of hair and the toned, defined shoulders/pecs. Also while we're walking down pipe-dream lane, the beard would take a few years off me. But as most people told me, I looked older. I guess beards do that normally. Looking at his eyes, the area around the eyes, he probably is in early to mid 20s? I wonder if he's single and will love me... hahahaha.
But the next three weeks my goal is to lift at least 4 times a week, only 20 mins of lifting and to do some sort of cardio/fat burn for at least 30 mins five times a week, which equals 150mins of c/fb. Or I guess as long as I get the 150 mins in, i.e. 20 mins one day and 40 another. Also, I know I am soooo bad at eating healthy. I love, love, love, love to eat late at night. Trying to break that carnal pleasure is going to have to probably require an alteration in my DNA. But necessary.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Not sure
I feel like I'm stumbling while holding something precious in my arms. Yet I don't know what it is. And I don't know why I'm stumbling. I wonder if it's an introspective picture representation of how I'm feeling about my life. Have I really grown? Have I developed myself, my life. How do I do that. Concentric thoughts mar my conversation; I don't know how to not talk about me.
I'm hoping, wishing, waiting, willing to learn to break out of myself. I need to focus on others, I need to serve others. I'm not religious but I feel moved to pray for this.
I'm hoping, wishing, waiting, willing to learn to break out of myself. I need to focus on others, I need to serve others. I'm not religious but I feel moved to pray for this.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
I'll take the stairs
There is always something to prove. The second I become complacent in my surroundings I have lost. I lose the game, I lose the battle. The constant struggle between what I am and what I know I can be. I must keep the mindset that there is always something I can do to better myself. I cannot stop reaching for the top. Learning to enjoy the journey and be content with my never-ending evolution to become better but not becoming complacent and stalling. I will never reach the summit, but the summits will reveal to be plateaus and clearings that present a further uphill climb. Stopping on that plateau will only cause me to become lazy and though I don't intend, I begin to descend. If I'm not going up, I'm going down.
I severely lack will power, and the thought of climbing can be overwhelming. But it's not judged by the summits I have reached, but the steps taken to get me there. I can take even but just one step up every day.
I severely lack will power, and the thought of climbing can be overwhelming. But it's not judged by the summits I have reached, but the steps taken to get me there. I can take even but just one step up every day.
Writing a letter to you
So we're supposed to be mature about this? Though thinking about your words, the jr.high school boy wants to point fingers and accuse your words of making circles and containing no reason or message except to lose touch.
Like I'm in the front row of a movie theater featuring your words and I get to run them over the seats of the empty theater, barely seating myself and certainly no reason.
But I'm not mad at you and really not your words now that I have boiled them down to what they really wanted to say. I get it, all's fair in love and war, and front-rows of movie theaters. You said let's hang out again, but not make an effort to actually hang out. I will wait for you to move your pawn first in this game, though I walk miles away from the board. You know how to reach me.
Like I'm in the front row of a movie theater featuring your words and I get to run them over the seats of the empty theater, barely seating myself and certainly no reason.
But I'm not mad at you and really not your words now that I have boiled them down to what they really wanted to say. I get it, all's fair in love and war, and front-rows of movie theaters. You said let's hang out again, but not make an effort to actually hang out. I will wait for you to move your pawn first in this game, though I walk miles away from the board. You know how to reach me.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Friday, December 09, 2011
don't forget me
I can't help but return to last night. He said I was great, there was a connection, but there was nothing more and he wanted to be with me, but as a friend only. I knew it was coming but was still a blow to my ego. I am taking to mean that I am not physically attractive enough for him. I did like him, I was ready to try and date him. I spoke candidly with him. I was able to be myself.
Speculation: He may want someone younger, he's only 25. He called me handsome in emails before meeting. I'm sure like all other gay men, he wants to date a 6-pack, and fall in love with a strong chest, and of course a tight ass.
He said he didn't want to lose touch but also said new friends are a matter of convenience and not really with whom to make definite plans. So I resolved to just let him go. I am walking away and will let it all rest on him. Life still has to happen, and now mine won't include or make efforts.
So my new lesson: to learn to love myself and carry on with out regard to the thoughts I think others have of me.
Speculation: He may want someone younger, he's only 25. He called me handsome in emails before meeting. I'm sure like all other gay men, he wants to date a 6-pack, and fall in love with a strong chest, and of course a tight ass.
He said he didn't want to lose touch but also said new friends are a matter of convenience and not really with whom to make definite plans. So I resolved to just let him go. I am walking away and will let it all rest on him. Life still has to happen, and now mine won't include or make efforts.
So my new lesson: to learn to love myself and carry on with out regard to the thoughts I think others have of me.
Thursday, December 08, 2011
the end before the beginning
It kind of took the wind out of me. One of those times when I just wanted to leave and not hear or pretend to be happy about it at all. What a fool I was. The signs were all there. Once again I chose to ignore them. Believing lies about myself that I tell myself is not a console right now, I can't sink into that line of thought.
Candidly typing: The numbness has set in. I'm not going to feel for the rest of the night. Still learning this lesson.
Candidly typing: The numbness has set in. I'm not going to feel for the rest of the night. Still learning this lesson.
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
With all my Education
and just put words into poetry and have the goals accomplished and be done with it. what I'd give to be at my peak for only just a moment, just to understand what I could be, and let the memory inspire me to climb higher. my stumbling attempts are life.
Friday, December 02, 2011
Continue
My body and mind work in unison to prevent me from being productive. Last night the party was a flashback to 2005: Pretty people avoiding carbs like the plague. I think I was the only one who was eating bread. But I home-made bread. It was fantastic! And the food processor was a cinch to use for it! It whipped that dough into a sticky blob in no time! Great first experience.
Back to the party. I know that the Pretties were just as shy of my as I was of them. They gloated nothing over me except what I allowed them to in my mind. But speaking from a severe eye-candy point of view, they were pretty; all had tight (douche) shirts on showing off their big, defined arms and chests. It was a glass menagerie of delectable douchi-ness.
--> but let me qualify that I don't know them. They may have been some of the sweetest guys out there who just so happened to look sweet in a tight-fitting shirt. These are my perceptions of just the light bouncing off them onto my retina.
But I feel like a matured a teeny tiny bit since 2005 (wow, I hope so!). I was able to relax and have fun.
On to something completely different, I LOVE the Florence + the Machine song "Shake it Out." L.o.v.e. it.
Back to the party. I know that the Pretties were just as shy of my as I was of them. They gloated nothing over me except what I allowed them to in my mind. But speaking from a severe eye-candy point of view, they were pretty; all had tight (douche) shirts on showing off their big, defined arms and chests. It was a glass menagerie of delectable douchi-ness.
--> but let me qualify that I don't know them. They may have been some of the sweetest guys out there who just so happened to look sweet in a tight-fitting shirt. These are my perceptions of just the light bouncing off them onto my retina.
But I feel like a matured a teeny tiny bit since 2005 (wow, I hope so!). I was able to relax and have fun.
On to something completely different, I LOVE the Florence + the Machine song "Shake it Out." L.o.v.e. it.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Thursday, September 01, 2011
Thursday, April 01, 2010
The world changed today
Take a breath, and now play the part.
Take your heavy, sad heart and place it on the shelf, in a box.
Now remember to smile like you mean it.
Place up the your defenses, hide your tears for the night.
Don't let anyone in, don't let yourself out.
Hands together, don't show the trembling.
The crowd expects you to be perfect.
And perfection is what you give them.
Careful when it rains, it could strip off your mask.
And then what? And then what?
But when it rains, it rains on my face,
On my skin, on my arms, on my chest.
I can feel life again, I can feel again.
But then you must walk away,
And return to what they want to see.
What they want you to be.
It will be alright. Down the street
Walking down an empty street.
Take your heavy, sad heart and place it on the shelf, in a box.
Now remember to smile like you mean it.
Place up the your defenses, hide your tears for the night.
Don't let anyone in, don't let yourself out.
Hands together, don't show the trembling.
The crowd expects you to be perfect.
And perfection is what you give them.
Careful when it rains, it could strip off your mask.
And then what? And then what?
But when it rains, it rains on my face,
On my skin, on my arms, on my chest.
I can feel life again, I can feel again.
But then you must walk away,
And return to what they want to see.
What they want you to be.
It will be alright. Down the street
Walking down an empty street.
Friday, March 26, 2010
we run from the presence of the sun...
Beginning again. I see you, I see myself in the mirror. My friend and enemy.
I try to be, but so often drape cloths and linens over your eyes. And mine.
I try to be, but so often drape cloths and linens over your eyes. And mine.
Sunday, March 07, 2010
angry, bitter, jaded, over it, mad, etc. venting thoughts
I'm so over this whole dating scene here in Phoenix. I just can't anymore. I want so much and feel like I can bring some to the table, but apparently I'm fated to just be alone. I want to cry but there are no tears. I can't express emotion that well anymore. I need a good cry, I want to just scream and cry and pout and then scream and cry and pout more. These are not times for the weak of heart. I am raked-over coals. I can't put myself back out there again. I can't do it. I can't pretend to care and be in a good mood anymore. I thought I'd be in a different place right now and I fucking can't stand this anymore. I am done, done, done. I miss things I haven't ever even got to experience. I don't want to be strong anymore. I just am not going to care anymore. I don't give a flying fuck anymore. I lay down this torch.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Like the 90s but with cappuccino now
Simple concepts are like hors d'oeuvres. But at times left untouched. I prefer to fill my plate with the possibility of never reached filled-up. Wide-eyed as ever but wearing sunglasses to keep from showing too much emotion.
I think I forgot who I was, and forget to remember who I am. Caught up, but differently this time. But still in what I cannot see.
My focus is out. I dream but I can't live the dream anymore. I need to ground myself and walk on.
Excuses. Action. ;)
Now to start getting me where I want...
Welcome to the evolution (or continuation thereof really).
I think I forgot who I was, and forget to remember who I am. Caught up, but differently this time. But still in what I cannot see.
My focus is out. I dream but I can't live the dream anymore. I need to ground myself and walk on.
Now to start getting me where I want...
Welcome to the evolution (or continuation thereof really).
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Restless thoughts.
So many roads traveled, so many times it seems I return to the lessons I thought learned.
I try to keep my eyes on the light, but the tunnel gave way to a field.
A dark wanderer in lands mapped and charted.
Still feeling lost.
The shades are drawn. I wait for dusk.
I try to keep busy, but drift to fears.
The night is the time for tears.
I can't let the sun catch me crying.
Pouring water into a vase, to watch it spill.
Wring the washcloth out and throw it into the sink.
No sense to spill it again.
No sense to watch the water fall.
No longer having the same effect it once had.
Jumping to reach the sun,
Once I had him in my hands.
I'd like to change my losses for wins.
My toes are cold again.
Despite the layers of socks.
So many roads traveled, so many times it seems I return to the lessons I thought learned.
I try to keep my eyes on the light, but the tunnel gave way to a field.
A dark wanderer in lands mapped and charted.
Still feeling lost.
The shades are drawn. I wait for dusk.
I try to keep busy, but drift to fears.
The night is the time for tears.
I can't let the sun catch me crying.
Pouring water into a vase, to watch it spill.
Wring the washcloth out and throw it into the sink.
No sense to spill it again.
No sense to watch the water fall.
No longer having the same effect it once had.
Jumping to reach the sun,
Once I had him in my hands.
I'd like to change my losses for wins.
My toes are cold again.
Despite the layers of socks.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Just some stupid sad songs
I thought so. But then I thought not.
I'm not sure how to feel. I feel sad, I feel happy, I feel content. I feel like I've been burning the midnight oil too much, but I feel it all worth it. I knew this would happen, but I set myself up to be the perfect victim. I knew I'd feel like beauty #2, and "you only have one" would be on the tip of my tongue. I knew there'd be so much more I'd want to say but forget. I wish I could take back a few words, but I guess it's now water under the bridge. I knew time would stand still, and I'm happy to return to reality. Like a castle in the sand I knew this would fall apart. But positive, happy, no regrets in the end. But there's still that knot in my stomach, there's still the longing for just one more minute.
I'm not sure how I feel, but I'm happy to feel again.
It's now ten on my watch, and I'm still here wondering why my heart feels like it might break, despite you've already left. I see an illusion, the same one I taught myself and swore my love to. But what once was a simple understanding, a friendship of sorts is now my weakness. Sure, there's no reason to cry, but why do I still see this grey sky?
"I want to have you cuz you're all I got. Don't want to lose you cuz it means a lot. All the joy this world can bring doesn't give me anything when you're not here. Idiot me, Stupid fool. How could you be so uncool. To fall in love with someone who doesn't really care for you, it's so obscure. But I feel wonderful. Yes I feel wonderful. God it makes me feel so good everytime I think about you. All of the heat of my desire, smoke and lights some crazy fire. Come on kid look at me where I stand, can't you see my heart burning in my hand? Do you want me do you not? Does it feel cold baby or does it feel hot? I want to hold you and be so held back. Do want to need you but it's where I'm at. Thinking about you everyday, how come I was made this way? It's so surreal. But I feel wonderful." "Wonderful" Annie Lenox
"I don't want to talk about things we've gone through, though it's hurting me now it's history. I've played all my cards and that's what you've done too. Nothing more to say no more ace to play. The winner takes it all. The loser standing small. Beside the victory that's our destiny. I was in you arms, thinking I'd belong there. Figured it made sense building the offense. Building me a home, thinking I'd be strong there. But I was a fool, playing by the rules. The gods my throw a dice, their minds as cold as ice. And someone waydown here loses someone dear. The winner takes it all, the loser has to fall. It's simple and it's plain why should I complain? But tell me does she kiss like I used to kiss you? Does it feel the same when she calls your name? Somewhere deep inside you must know I miss you, but what can I say rules must be obeyed. The judges will decide the likes of me abide. Spectators of the show always staying low. The game is on again, a lover or a friend? A big thing or a small? The winner takes it all. I don't want to talk if it makes you feel sad and I understand you've come to shake my hand. I apologize if it makes you feel bad seeing me so tense, loss of confidence. But you see, the winner takes it all." "The winner takes it all" Abba
"You've been my golden best friend. I can't go to you for cosolation, cuz you're off limits during this transition. This grief overwhelms me it burns in my stomach and I can't stop bumping into things. I thought we'd be simple together. I thought we'd be happy together. I thought limitless together. I thought we'd be precious together but I was sadly mistaken. You've been my soulmate and then some. I remembered you the moment I met you. With you I knew God's face was handsome. With you I saw fun and expansion. This loss is hard, it peirces my chest, and I can't stop dropping everything." "Simple Together" Alanis
"It's gonna take some time this time to get me myself in shape. I really fell out of line this time, I really missed the gate. The birds on the telephone line are crying out to me, next time. And I won't be so blind next time and I'll find some harmony. But it's going to take some time this time and I can't make demands, but like the young the young tree in the wintertime I learn how to bend." "Take Some Time" The Carpenters
"There's no need to argue anymore. I gave all I could but it left me so sore. And the thing that makes me mad is the one thing that I had: I knew I'd lose you. You'll always be special to me. And I remember all the things we once shared, watching tv, movies together. But they say it will work out fine. Was it all a waste of time, cuz I knew I'd lose you. You'll always be special to me."
"I can't find a feeling to let go. Even though you have a new love and he's what your dreams are made of. I can't find a reason to hang on, but when a wrong can be forgiven without you it ain't worth living alone. Sometimes I wakeup crying at night and sometimes I scream out your name."
"I don't know where to start. Say I'm tired or throw a party. These cucumber rines are lying the more that I smile about it and all my clothes feel like someone's old throw-aways. It's good to be in love and really that's so true. I'm happy you're in love. Cuz every color goes where you do. I'm adoring you. It's all good. You're so beautiful, I'm black and blue all over. You're breaking my flow how could you know what I'm saying about it? When all of my clothes feel old, I don't like it. It's good to be in love and really that's so true. I'm happy you're in love cuz every color goes where you do. I feel so powerless. I've got to stop this somewhere, come on what could I do? Why's it happening, how's it happening that he feels it without me?"
"It's late, the end of the month. I look at my watch, the rain begins. In the distance I see the memory of a love. He doesn't see me. It was a long time ago."
"Let me spend my life devouring your every thought and step. Let your moles be erased and then reappear with every hug and kiss. And now that you're here I'm happy again. I once understood you were mine. Let me love you and that my tears dry yours. Let every sky have a cloud and let it rain until it makes puddles. Let me kiss you until you are breathless, and hug you so tightly to separate your bones. And now you're here again and I remember the happiness I felt. I want to pursue you, to learn of you, to love you day and night, spend my whole life on you. I want to tie you to my heart, carry you like a tatoo, I want to lose my sanity in you."
"Maybe it's the daily rain that has risen your level. Music no longer has the same effect it once had. Maybe I've lived too much in such a small, short time that now I don't remember my own language or how I used to feel. I feel that I no longer have the strength to jump and grab the sun. And despite how much I try, I don't listen to my own voice. I don't know if I've lived 1000 days or one day 1000 times and I add you to my story wishing I could change my losses for wins. I need you. You are part of me, I need you here, it's that I haven't learned how to live without you."
"Say goodbye to now knowing when the truth in my whole life began. Say goodbye to know knowing how to cry, you taught me that.
And I'll remember the strength that you gave me now that I'm standing here on my own. I'll remember the way that you saved me. I'll remember.
Inside I was a child that could not mend a broken wing. Outside I looked for a way to teach my heart to sing. And I'll remember the love that you gave me, now that I'm standing on my own, I'll remember the way that you changed me, I'll remember.
I learn to let go of the illusion that we could posess. I learn to let go, I travel in stillness, and I'll remember happiness, I'll remember love..."
I'm not sure how to feel. I feel sad, I feel happy, I feel content. I feel like I've been burning the midnight oil too much, but I feel it all worth it. I knew this would happen, but I set myself up to be the perfect victim. I knew I'd feel like beauty #2, and "you only have one" would be on the tip of my tongue. I knew there'd be so much more I'd want to say but forget. I wish I could take back a few words, but I guess it's now water under the bridge. I knew time would stand still, and I'm happy to return to reality. Like a castle in the sand I knew this would fall apart. But positive, happy, no regrets in the end. But there's still that knot in my stomach, there's still the longing for just one more minute.
I'm not sure how I feel, but I'm happy to feel again.
It's now ten on my watch, and I'm still here wondering why my heart feels like it might break, despite you've already left. I see an illusion, the same one I taught myself and swore my love to. But what once was a simple understanding, a friendship of sorts is now my weakness. Sure, there's no reason to cry, but why do I still see this grey sky?
"I want to have you cuz you're all I got. Don't want to lose you cuz it means a lot. All the joy this world can bring doesn't give me anything when you're not here. Idiot me, Stupid fool. How could you be so uncool. To fall in love with someone who doesn't really care for you, it's so obscure. But I feel wonderful. Yes I feel wonderful. God it makes me feel so good everytime I think about you. All of the heat of my desire, smoke and lights some crazy fire. Come on kid look at me where I stand, can't you see my heart burning in my hand? Do you want me do you not? Does it feel cold baby or does it feel hot? I want to hold you and be so held back. Do want to need you but it's where I'm at. Thinking about you everyday, how come I was made this way? It's so surreal. But I feel wonderful." "Wonderful" Annie Lenox
"I don't want to talk about things we've gone through, though it's hurting me now it's history. I've played all my cards and that's what you've done too. Nothing more to say no more ace to play. The winner takes it all. The loser standing small. Beside the victory that's our destiny. I was in you arms, thinking I'd belong there. Figured it made sense building the offense. Building me a home, thinking I'd be strong there. But I was a fool, playing by the rules. The gods my throw a dice, their minds as cold as ice. And someone waydown here loses someone dear. The winner takes it all, the loser has to fall. It's simple and it's plain why should I complain? But tell me does she kiss like I used to kiss you? Does it feel the same when she calls your name? Somewhere deep inside you must know I miss you, but what can I say rules must be obeyed. The judges will decide the likes of me abide. Spectators of the show always staying low. The game is on again, a lover or a friend? A big thing or a small? The winner takes it all. I don't want to talk if it makes you feel sad and I understand you've come to shake my hand. I apologize if it makes you feel bad seeing me so tense, loss of confidence. But you see, the winner takes it all." "The winner takes it all" Abba
"You've been my golden best friend. I can't go to you for cosolation, cuz you're off limits during this transition. This grief overwhelms me it burns in my stomach and I can't stop bumping into things. I thought we'd be simple together. I thought we'd be happy together. I thought limitless together. I thought we'd be precious together but I was sadly mistaken. You've been my soulmate and then some. I remembered you the moment I met you. With you I knew God's face was handsome. With you I saw fun and expansion. This loss is hard, it peirces my chest, and I can't stop dropping everything." "Simple Together" Alanis
"It's gonna take some time this time to get me myself in shape. I really fell out of line this time, I really missed the gate. The birds on the telephone line are crying out to me, next time. And I won't be so blind next time and I'll find some harmony. But it's going to take some time this time and I can't make demands, but like the young the young tree in the wintertime I learn how to bend." "Take Some Time" The Carpenters
"There's no need to argue anymore. I gave all I could but it left me so sore. And the thing that makes me mad is the one thing that I had: I knew I'd lose you. You'll always be special to me. And I remember all the things we once shared, watching tv, movies together. But they say it will work out fine. Was it all a waste of time, cuz I knew I'd lose you. You'll always be special to me."
"I can't find a feeling to let go. Even though you have a new love and he's what your dreams are made of. I can't find a reason to hang on, but when a wrong can be forgiven without you it ain't worth living alone. Sometimes I wakeup crying at night and sometimes I scream out your name."
"I don't know where to start. Say I'm tired or throw a party. These cucumber rines are lying the more that I smile about it and all my clothes feel like someone's old throw-aways. It's good to be in love and really that's so true. I'm happy you're in love. Cuz every color goes where you do. I'm adoring you. It's all good. You're so beautiful, I'm black and blue all over. You're breaking my flow how could you know what I'm saying about it? When all of my clothes feel old, I don't like it. It's good to be in love and really that's so true. I'm happy you're in love cuz every color goes where you do. I feel so powerless. I've got to stop this somewhere, come on what could I do? Why's it happening, how's it happening that he feels it without me?"
"It's late, the end of the month. I look at my watch, the rain begins. In the distance I see the memory of a love. He doesn't see me. It was a long time ago."
"Let me spend my life devouring your every thought and step. Let your moles be erased and then reappear with every hug and kiss. And now that you're here I'm happy again. I once understood you were mine. Let me love you and that my tears dry yours. Let every sky have a cloud and let it rain until it makes puddles. Let me kiss you until you are breathless, and hug you so tightly to separate your bones. And now you're here again and I remember the happiness I felt. I want to pursue you, to learn of you, to love you day and night, spend my whole life on you. I want to tie you to my heart, carry you like a tatoo, I want to lose my sanity in you."
"Maybe it's the daily rain that has risen your level. Music no longer has the same effect it once had. Maybe I've lived too much in such a small, short time that now I don't remember my own language or how I used to feel. I feel that I no longer have the strength to jump and grab the sun. And despite how much I try, I don't listen to my own voice. I don't know if I've lived 1000 days or one day 1000 times and I add you to my story wishing I could change my losses for wins. I need you. You are part of me, I need you here, it's that I haven't learned how to live without you."
"Say goodbye to now knowing when the truth in my whole life began. Say goodbye to know knowing how to cry, you taught me that.
And I'll remember the strength that you gave me now that I'm standing here on my own. I'll remember the way that you saved me. I'll remember.
Inside I was a child that could not mend a broken wing. Outside I looked for a way to teach my heart to sing. And I'll remember the love that you gave me, now that I'm standing on my own, I'll remember the way that you changed me, I'll remember.
I learn to let go of the illusion that we could posess. I learn to let go, I travel in stillness, and I'll remember happiness, I'll remember love..."
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Sucks to Grow Up
It's been several years on this blog. It's been years longer waiting to wake up arrived. It's been a life in progress even longer, and I feel worn out. I feel a change, I feel an acceptance, I feel like I'm finally starting to grow up.
I've been fighting the truth for a decade. I've been in denial most of my life. I've been beating around the bush, and I see I'm still where I was. I feel different, I see the world in a new light, I know that it's time to start to grow up.
I've been pushing some boundaries, while abiding by others. I excuse myself from myself. I have tales and secrets untold. I know, I've known it would culminate. I've known I'd have to face my demons myself, and I know that this is part of growing up.
I've been fighting the truth for a decade. I've been in denial most of my life. I've been beating around the bush, and I see I'm still where I was. I feel different, I see the world in a new light, I know that it's time to start to grow up.
I've been pushing some boundaries, while abiding by others. I excuse myself from myself. I have tales and secrets untold. I know, I've known it would culminate. I've known I'd have to face my demons myself, and I know that this is part of growing up.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Not Sure...Just Thoughts, nothing more than words...
I went kicking and screaming.
I wasn't going to have anything to do with it.
But the truth paralyzes me.
Exposure to what I thought I wanted makes me see I don't want it.
I can't face myself sometimes. Like standing outside of a theater trying to tell a story to a lady selling flowers. I promised I'd would complete the mission, but after the victory, I saw I may have lost more than gained. When all are sleeping, I escape to the night and wonder if I have learned anything at all. I don't know, but I know that life keeps moving regardless.
Too prideful to look behind me. Too prideful to realize that I am wrong. Too selfish to be happy for the fortune of others, like winning the game means more than a person.
I would give you my waist. I would give you my lips to kiss when ever you wanted. I give you my sanity and few neurons that remain. I give you my faded shoes, my journals, my breaths... just don't leave again. You are my sun, the faith with which I live. My love, my desire to live and laugh. Your the goodbye I will never know how to say because I could never live with out you. If one day you decide to leave again, I would lock all the doors and close all the windows, so you could never leave me. I would give you my silence, my nose, my bones, just stay with me. You are my voice, my feet to walk, my starlight, my life.
I feel that an old tale doesn't have all the answers that I thought it did. I feel that I can't hear or write down the sadness I feel. But there, there is some hope that burns in my heart, but I lose it in myself. I feel I've been a faithful enemy, a blue devil. I feel I've another dream, something that watches the sky rain. And there is an old tale that was written, I wasn't able to understand it. I lost myself in me.
Smile like you mean it. Just let go. It's all in the hands of something more. Just take a bow, play the part of a lonely heart.
For as long as I can remember I've been longing for something like you to come my way. It felt right. And then it slipped away. How am I to fall in love like that again? I'm still thinking of you with tears in the pouring rain, I'm still missing those nights of us together. You see, I thought I'd found the love I'd have forever.
Now I hide in myself, behind this shadowed smile. Only myself to blame. Tell me how will I ever fall in love like that again? I'm still remembering the walks in the dark, the trips out of town for the night, the days we never left the house. Now this house holds your memory and all in it. I never knew I'd have so many tears to cry.
Missing you, missing you, missing you.
You were my best friend. And now I lay my hand down. I can't run to you because you're now off limits. I don't know where to go now, just grief burning in my stomach, and I can't stop bumping into things. I thought we'd be simple, happy, limitless, precious together. But I was wrong. You were my soul mate and then some. I remembered you the moment I met you, With you I knew God's face was handsome. With you I saw the universe expanding. This loss is wrong, I can't stop dropping everything. I thought we'd be sexy, evolving, have a family together. If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented, a dime for all the hands thrown up in the air, my wealth would run over. I thought we'd be genius, healing, growing, adventurous, exploring, inspired, flying, on fire together. But I was sadly mistaken.
I loved how you smelt after a shower. I miss your smile, how you would try and look at both sides to drive me crazy. How you would play music just to annoy me and then hug me. How you would speak of your family. How you would tell me about your day. I miss these things about you. This is not time for a weak heart. These days I keep my raw heart wrapped up tight. I struggle to lay down my torch for you like this.
I miss your head on my pillow, miss you petting the dog, I miss you dragging me to a boring movie, I miss you talking to your friends on the phone, I miss the light in your eyes when we sip our coffee in the morning. I miss the way your shoes were never in the closet.
So one step forward, I keep going. I try to tell myself to move on. But I still miss your head by mine, I miss talking about the future, I miss you telling me to read more books. My heart is left weak, not time for stumbling, not the days for broken dreams. I struggle to lay down my torch for you.
Every dream, every impression. Every fault, every detail all under control. Every certainty, every approximation. Every scene under supervision. The casualty has taken on the guise of a butterfly that could be love. You have no idea how much I would have loved you, if you had just waited a moment longer. My gestures, my voice, no longer.
colors that could never mix, dreams in bags of ice floating out to sea. Silence that we attacked. We are lovers that never felt spring, that can't make each other laugh. Just venom in our love. We always hid out bad moods. So look at me, and look at you, tell me what you see.
It's that you and I never fit in the same love song. We are A and B.
My eyes are tired of crying, they want to rest. So give me a hug and let's say goodbye, don't try and fix what cannot be fixed.
But me and my armor, I've had to grow strong. I have duel coats, not been trusted with a heart. I'm a sweet piece of work, with good intentions, not perfect, wrongly labeled, treated as a rose when really an orchid. My friends cannot be objective, but truly wanting what's best. Misunderstood, I learn to learn about myself.. I require a special care. So I live in my blind spot, I thought I was usual when I'm not... so this sweet piece of work, I'm high maintenance, different, and deserving of all happiness. I get overwhelmed, I'm unobserved, I've been misread, don't know who I'm supposed to be, but always hoping, never losing hope.
I wasn't going to have anything to do with it.
But the truth paralyzes me.
Exposure to what I thought I wanted makes me see I don't want it.
I can't face myself sometimes. Like standing outside of a theater trying to tell a story to a lady selling flowers. I promised I'd would complete the mission, but after the victory, I saw I may have lost more than gained. When all are sleeping, I escape to the night and wonder if I have learned anything at all. I don't know, but I know that life keeps moving regardless.
Too prideful to look behind me. Too prideful to realize that I am wrong. Too selfish to be happy for the fortune of others, like winning the game means more than a person.
I would give you my waist. I would give you my lips to kiss when ever you wanted. I give you my sanity and few neurons that remain. I give you my faded shoes, my journals, my breaths... just don't leave again. You are my sun, the faith with which I live. My love, my desire to live and laugh. Your the goodbye I will never know how to say because I could never live with out you. If one day you decide to leave again, I would lock all the doors and close all the windows, so you could never leave me. I would give you my silence, my nose, my bones, just stay with me. You are my voice, my feet to walk, my starlight, my life.
I feel that an old tale doesn't have all the answers that I thought it did. I feel that I can't hear or write down the sadness I feel. But there, there is some hope that burns in my heart, but I lose it in myself. I feel I've been a faithful enemy, a blue devil. I feel I've another dream, something that watches the sky rain. And there is an old tale that was written, I wasn't able to understand it. I lost myself in me.
Smile like you mean it. Just let go. It's all in the hands of something more. Just take a bow, play the part of a lonely heart.
For as long as I can remember I've been longing for something like you to come my way. It felt right. And then it slipped away. How am I to fall in love like that again? I'm still thinking of you with tears in the pouring rain, I'm still missing those nights of us together. You see, I thought I'd found the love I'd have forever.
Now I hide in myself, behind this shadowed smile. Only myself to blame. Tell me how will I ever fall in love like that again? I'm still remembering the walks in the dark, the trips out of town for the night, the days we never left the house. Now this house holds your memory and all in it. I never knew I'd have so many tears to cry.
Missing you, missing you, missing you.
You were my best friend. And now I lay my hand down. I can't run to you because you're now off limits. I don't know where to go now, just grief burning in my stomach, and I can't stop bumping into things. I thought we'd be simple, happy, limitless, precious together. But I was wrong. You were my soul mate and then some. I remembered you the moment I met you, With you I knew God's face was handsome. With you I saw the universe expanding. This loss is wrong, I can't stop dropping everything. I thought we'd be sexy, evolving, have a family together. If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented, a dime for all the hands thrown up in the air, my wealth would run over. I thought we'd be genius, healing, growing, adventurous, exploring, inspired, flying, on fire together. But I was sadly mistaken.
I loved how you smelt after a shower. I miss your smile, how you would try and look at both sides to drive me crazy. How you would play music just to annoy me and then hug me. How you would speak of your family. How you would tell me about your day. I miss these things about you. This is not time for a weak heart. These days I keep my raw heart wrapped up tight. I struggle to lay down my torch for you like this.
I miss your head on my pillow, miss you petting the dog, I miss you dragging me to a boring movie, I miss you talking to your friends on the phone, I miss the light in your eyes when we sip our coffee in the morning. I miss the way your shoes were never in the closet.
So one step forward, I keep going. I try to tell myself to move on. But I still miss your head by mine, I miss talking about the future, I miss you telling me to read more books. My heart is left weak, not time for stumbling, not the days for broken dreams. I struggle to lay down my torch for you.
Every dream, every impression. Every fault, every detail all under control. Every certainty, every approximation. Every scene under supervision. The casualty has taken on the guise of a butterfly that could be love. You have no idea how much I would have loved you, if you had just waited a moment longer. My gestures, my voice, no longer.
colors that could never mix, dreams in bags of ice floating out to sea. Silence that we attacked. We are lovers that never felt spring, that can't make each other laugh. Just venom in our love. We always hid out bad moods. So look at me, and look at you, tell me what you see.
It's that you and I never fit in the same love song. We are A and B.
My eyes are tired of crying, they want to rest. So give me a hug and let's say goodbye, don't try and fix what cannot be fixed.
But me and my armor, I've had to grow strong. I have duel coats, not been trusted with a heart. I'm a sweet piece of work, with good intentions, not perfect, wrongly labeled, treated as a rose when really an orchid. My friends cannot be objective, but truly wanting what's best. Misunderstood, I learn to learn about myself.. I require a special care. So I live in my blind spot, I thought I was usual when I'm not... so this sweet piece of work, I'm high maintenance, different, and deserving of all happiness. I get overwhelmed, I'm unobserved, I've been misread, don't know who I'm supposed to be, but always hoping, never losing hope.
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Still working through...
I still have to close my eyes while the internal storm and numbness sets in.
Despite thinking that I was over it.
When I read that you have moved on and I still stand still with my dirty hands.
I'm left quiet and disturbed.
Numb.
I still want to blame you for everything.
I thought I had a handle on it all.
I thought I had no more emotion.
I thought I was done finally.
But I still want you to hurt like you hurt me.
The return of Saturn.
Despite thinking that I was over it.
When I read that you have moved on and I still stand still with my dirty hands.
I'm left quiet and disturbed.
Numb.
I still want to blame you for everything.
I thought I had a handle on it all.
I thought I had no more emotion.
I thought I was done finally.
But I still want you to hurt like you hurt me.
The return of Saturn.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Still...
I'm still hindered by my own disdane. I wish I could let go, but I have learned that sometimes I'm not meant to be happy in every aspect of my life. Something has to give.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
So I finally have some free time to muse. Sitting at the airport in Omaha waiting for my flight to board, an hour to go.
I'm 29. I want to have goals for this year. I want to start my 30s on a good, solid footing. So many thoughts swirl in my head as to what I want to accomplish by May of next year. I feel like I have a lot already set in motion.
So my goal is in two major areas: I want to get a much better body and I want to get a 3.5 GPA in school this next semester. I have a lot of other goals, but those are big ones because they require a lot of dedication. I will have to sacrifice a lot for them, but looking over the past years that I have spent in my 20s, I feel that I have been extravagant enough. I have had, and enjoyed the good foods, now it's time to be healthy. I have done poorly in school, but now I need to perform, and not only get good grades, but actually learn the information because this is my profession and what I am going to be doing to help people.
I'm 29. I want to have goals for this year. I want to start my 30s on a good, solid footing. So many thoughts swirl in my head as to what I want to accomplish by May of next year. I feel like I have a lot already set in motion.
So my goal is in two major areas: I want to get a much better body and I want to get a 3.5 GPA in school this next semester. I have a lot of other goals, but those are big ones because they require a lot of dedication. I will have to sacrifice a lot for them, but looking over the past years that I have spent in my 20s, I feel that I have been extravagant enough. I have had, and enjoyed the good foods, now it's time to be healthy. I have done poorly in school, but now I need to perform, and not only get good grades, but actually learn the information because this is my profession and what I am going to be doing to help people.
Saturday, June 06, 2009
Writing to write to express to be
The rain came down on the window of the red car. The wipers needed to be replaced. The trees swam by in a blur. It had been hours since leaving the house.
The lights were low. sillouettes darted back and forth. The beat was intoxicating. Pulsating through veins, fibers, tissues. Moving, bouncing, gliding, driving, tapping, snapping, clapping, other hot bodies turning, bending on the floor. Feeling the touch of strangers swaying to the same call, the same rhythm, separate in a mass as one.
I was waiting for you. You told me to be there, to wait there for you. So I waited, in the night. Just one word I wanted to hear. My pain could have been cured. Just one lie broke my soul. Underlying emotions being swept in the waves of out sea. So I leave, I leave without knowing if you ever really kissed me. I can pretend all is peaceful, wonderful, the memories only bring smiles and laughs. But just one gesture brought back my memory, those that now make me cry. You knew me, but never got to know me. I handed you my heart, and you sold it to the wind. I know have my own path, and I leave.
What are you doing? I never was supposed to meet you, so leave. I don't feel safe anymore since you bring out my weaknesses. Maybe I can just pretend that you will love me. Don't let my imagination run away with me. But it just isn't meant to be, not planned. I don't want to feel anything for you, stop making me feel. I was so happy on my own. The world turned over and under, really stop getting any closer to me. You're already making this too hard and complicated. This can't be happening. I run for cover, trouble ensuing. I can't resist you any more, I nearing my point of no return. I'm at bay, a siege, surrounded, I can only give in to survive, I can only try to let you love me since I never had the chance to chose to love you or not. I wish I wasn't so weak, it's all your fault.
The lights were low. sillouettes darted back and forth. The beat was intoxicating. Pulsating through veins, fibers, tissues. Moving, bouncing, gliding, driving, tapping, snapping, clapping, other hot bodies turning, bending on the floor. Feeling the touch of strangers swaying to the same call, the same rhythm, separate in a mass as one.
I was waiting for you. You told me to be there, to wait there for you. So I waited, in the night. Just one word I wanted to hear. My pain could have been cured. Just one lie broke my soul. Underlying emotions being swept in the waves of out sea. So I leave, I leave without knowing if you ever really kissed me. I can pretend all is peaceful, wonderful, the memories only bring smiles and laughs. But just one gesture brought back my memory, those that now make me cry. You knew me, but never got to know me. I handed you my heart, and you sold it to the wind. I know have my own path, and I leave.
What are you doing? I never was supposed to meet you, so leave. I don't feel safe anymore since you bring out my weaknesses. Maybe I can just pretend that you will love me. Don't let my imagination run away with me. But it just isn't meant to be, not planned. I don't want to feel anything for you, stop making me feel. I was so happy on my own. The world turned over and under, really stop getting any closer to me. You're already making this too hard and complicated. This can't be happening. I run for cover, trouble ensuing. I can't resist you any more, I nearing my point of no return. I'm at bay, a siege, surrounded, I can only give in to survive, I can only try to let you love me since I never had the chance to chose to love you or not. I wish I wasn't so weak, it's all your fault.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
I'm trading in my social smile for a taste and smell of something real.
The whirlwind in my head no longer trying to comprehend you or your thoughts.
I accept you how you want me to perceive you.
I understand the work involved, I do it too.
But some things cannot be bought, only given.
I thought it was what I wanted. So badly.
But I have changed my mind.
I try to learn to see the sky. To measure it's blue.
I want to taste the salt of the ocean and appreciate its life.
The strum of a guitar in the night equates peace.
Coloring a paper princess with a future queen at my side.
The text into my brain to lighten my doubts.
My energy is finite. My love infinite.
I hope, I have always hoped,
and I will forever hope. Forever evolve,
forever change, forever question.
Life is here and now. I am here and now.
The whirlwind in my head no longer trying to comprehend you or your thoughts.
I accept you how you want me to perceive you.
I understand the work involved, I do it too.
But some things cannot be bought, only given.
I thought it was what I wanted. So badly.
But I have changed my mind.
I try to learn to see the sky. To measure it's blue.
I want to taste the salt of the ocean and appreciate its life.
The strum of a guitar in the night equates peace.
Coloring a paper princess with a future queen at my side.
The text into my brain to lighten my doubts.
My energy is finite. My love infinite.
I hope, I have always hoped,
and I will forever hope. Forever evolve,
forever change, forever question.
Life is here and now. I am here and now.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
I wish we were talking. I heard this amazing new song today; you'd love it.
The hallway is still, the lights are on and my keys dangling in the doorknob.
The light brush of your hand on my memory.
Were you afraid to fall? Were you scared to fly?
I load the dishwasher, remembering your advice.
I hold the frame for a picture, but there's no camera.
Close your eyes, it's getting late again, but no sleep comes.
Looking under my bed for lost tokens and tickets to ride.
The sun streams though the curtains. Making my walls striped.
Canceling the thoughts before they can impulse my veins.
Imagining what life could be, when I'm back to normal.
I stepped from one roller coaster to another.
Ice in my water, condensation dripping on the table.
I just wasn't prepared for the end of the show.
Let's just get back on and ride the big one, give it all.
But I guess we did, and now it's come to a complete stop.
The hallway is still, the lights are on and my keys dangling in the doorknob.
The light brush of your hand on my memory.
Were you afraid to fall? Were you scared to fly?
I load the dishwasher, remembering your advice.
I hold the frame for a picture, but there's no camera.
Close your eyes, it's getting late again, but no sleep comes.
Looking under my bed for lost tokens and tickets to ride.
The sun streams though the curtains. Making my walls striped.
Canceling the thoughts before they can impulse my veins.
Imagining what life could be, when I'm back to normal.
I stepped from one roller coaster to another.
Ice in my water, condensation dripping on the table.
I just wasn't prepared for the end of the show.
Let's just get back on and ride the big one, give it all.
But I guess we did, and now it's come to a complete stop.
Monday, March 02, 2009
still live to tell
You had to tell me when the sky was blue and clear.
You had to tell me to listen to the music in the breeze.
You told me how to dance to time.
Like a ribbon tied around my senses I kept myself from living.
I waited for the clouds to part rather than enjoy the rain.
I stayed on the ground not trusting my balance.
The illusions came, you presented them to me.
I looked into them, into your eyes and believed.
Soon they faded, you no longer played your charade.
You left me weak and a mess. I forgot who I was.
I departed from you, but always turning to look back.
I wasn't ready.
Who were you to affect me so much?
Who were you that I handed my soul over to you?
Who was I that I let go so easily?
But now I see on my own, I hear on my own again.
I am happy to feel and sense on my own again.
A lesson you are still teaching, I am still learning.
But I recognize, and remember. I am still learning of myself.
I am not afriad to fall again, it will happen, I am only human.
I am not afraid to love again, I am human afterall.
Caution is now guilded in my actions, for I am still new.
Action is my plan, and walking, running, loving, laughing.
With myself, with another, but fully with myself.
You had to tell me to listen to the music in the breeze.
You told me how to dance to time.
Like a ribbon tied around my senses I kept myself from living.
I waited for the clouds to part rather than enjoy the rain.
I stayed on the ground not trusting my balance.
The illusions came, you presented them to me.
I looked into them, into your eyes and believed.
Soon they faded, you no longer played your charade.
You left me weak and a mess. I forgot who I was.
I departed from you, but always turning to look back.
I wasn't ready.
Who were you to affect me so much?
Who were you that I handed my soul over to you?
Who was I that I let go so easily?
But now I see on my own, I hear on my own again.
I am happy to feel and sense on my own again.
A lesson you are still teaching, I am still learning.
But I recognize, and remember. I am still learning of myself.
I am not afriad to fall again, it will happen, I am only human.
I am not afraid to love again, I am human afterall.
Caution is now guilded in my actions, for I am still new.
Action is my plan, and walking, running, loving, laughing.
With myself, with another, but fully with myself.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Finishing Thoughts
No longer do you ask to be excused.
You just leave.
You don't speak of you and me.
The excuses were here before you were.
You don't look at me like you used to.
I need to ask you to let me be.
I need time.
You still hurt here inside.
No one can live with such venom.
You should recognize by now when you have begun to break a heart.
You do is so well.
I hope that you still hope for hope.
But patience has gone to my feet.
I flood myself in unconcious gestures,
painting on my smile. looking without seeing.
Waiting for your absence.
No one can live such a life.
The hope your love gave me I never felt before.
No one can die from this venom,
only slowly go mad.
I need you to just leave,
and please let me be.
You still hurt inside me where you dwell.
You should stop breaking hearts.
You just leave.
You don't speak of you and me.
The excuses were here before you were.
You don't look at me like you used to.
I need to ask you to let me be.
I need time.
You still hurt here inside.
No one can live with such venom.
You should recognize by now when you have begun to break a heart.
You do is so well.
I hope that you still hope for hope.
But patience has gone to my feet.
I flood myself in unconcious gestures,
painting on my smile. looking without seeing.
Waiting for your absence.
No one can live such a life.
The hope your love gave me I never felt before.
No one can die from this venom,
only slowly go mad.
I need you to just leave,
and please let me be.
You still hurt inside me where you dwell.
You should stop breaking hearts.
Monday, February 16, 2009
warm
The grey sky fit my stomach. I watched the drops of rain sprinkling from the sky. The world seemed to hold it's breath, watching the few drops of water fall.
I put on my coat and walked out into the misty silence. The clouds were low in the sky. No one was out, it was barely light. The first rays of the sun caught this delicate closing to a ferocious night.
The morning was cool, the desert drinking in all the liquid. The rain picked up some but I didn't mind. My mind was in the clouds. Just as quickly as it had started the rain backed off to the light drizzle. The light few stronger and the clouds showed signs of thinning.
I wanted to freeze the world. I wasn't ready for the sunlight. I wasn't ready for my clouds to lift. I broke into a jog, the purpose of this outing. I wasn't ready to let go. So much happened so quickly that I wasn't ready to let it go. I was happy, I was building a life, I was ready to feel something new. But just as quickly as it started, it ended.
The sun broke in thin streams through the clouds. The rain had stopped. I stopped and looked up to the sky. The silence of the world around me enveloped me. It stopped the clamor in my head. I breathed and began to walk, then to jog.
Things were good for me. I knew this was all for the best, all for my better.
I put on my coat and walked out into the misty silence. The clouds were low in the sky. No one was out, it was barely light. The first rays of the sun caught this delicate closing to a ferocious night.
The morning was cool, the desert drinking in all the liquid. The rain picked up some but I didn't mind. My mind was in the clouds. Just as quickly as it had started the rain backed off to the light drizzle. The light few stronger and the clouds showed signs of thinning.
I wanted to freeze the world. I wasn't ready for the sunlight. I wasn't ready for my clouds to lift. I broke into a jog, the purpose of this outing. I wasn't ready to let go. So much happened so quickly that I wasn't ready to let it go. I was happy, I was building a life, I was ready to feel something new. But just as quickly as it started, it ended.
The sun broke in thin streams through the clouds. The rain had stopped. I stopped and looked up to the sky. The silence of the world around me enveloped me. It stopped the clamor in my head. I breathed and began to walk, then to jog.
Things were good for me. I knew this was all for the best, all for my better.
Friday, February 13, 2009
It's funny how the past blurs the tears and pain.
It's funny how I can't remember much of the bad,
the good is what my mind recalls.
All the times I would wait for you to come around.
All the times I waited for you.
I wonder, did you really want to live that way?
Did you want to hurt me?
Why are you running away?
Maybe someday I'll look back and see
you never meant to be cruel.
It's just that someone hurt you too.
It's funny how I can't remember much of the bad,
the good is what my mind recalls.
All the times I would wait for you to come around.
All the times I waited for you.
I wonder, did you really want to live that way?
Did you want to hurt me?
Why are you running away?
Maybe someday I'll look back and see
you never meant to be cruel.
It's just that someone hurt you too.
I tell myself
It's okay to remember the good times,
and the bad.
It's okay to remember laughter,
and tears.
It's okay to think of eyes lighting up.
Keep your head held high,
Don't look behind, life isn't fair.
It's okay to run away fast,
but also okay to kiss goodbye.
It's okay to cry when you stumble and fall.
It's okay to cry out in the night.
No more tears, it will be alright.
Fight to be strong, and understand fear is okay too.
It's time to forget the past
and learn to forgive.
Promise to try.
Memories may play games with your mind.
Faded smiles frozen in time.
Hang on, promise to try.
and the bad.
It's okay to remember laughter,
and tears.
It's okay to think of eyes lighting up.
Keep your head held high,
Don't look behind, life isn't fair.
It's okay to run away fast,
but also okay to kiss goodbye.
It's okay to cry when you stumble and fall.
It's okay to cry out in the night.
No more tears, it will be alright.
Fight to be strong, and understand fear is okay too.
It's time to forget the past
and learn to forgive.
Promise to try.
Memories may play games with your mind.
Faded smiles frozen in time.
Hang on, promise to try.
rinse and repeat
Day one. Day one again.
I feel like I start over each day.
I box up yesterday.
Store it in a corner,
or throw it out.
Forward is a slow process,
but standing still isn't an option.
I close my eyes and remember the good,
the great of my life.
Why should I feel sad?
For what I never had?
But all that I do have surrounds me, and is abundant.
It is enough. More than enough.
I am blessed.
So day one is here again.
I chose to go on, go on.
Standing still is not an option.
I feel like I start over each day.
I box up yesterday.
Store it in a corner,
or throw it out.
Forward is a slow process,
but standing still isn't an option.
I close my eyes and remember the good,
the great of my life.
Why should I feel sad?
For what I never had?
But all that I do have surrounds me, and is abundant.
It is enough. More than enough.
I am blessed.
So day one is here again.
I chose to go on, go on.
Standing still is not an option.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
still here
Heal. I hate that word because it usually means that there's pain involved. My mind is all over the place. I don't know what I feel any more. I'm tired of feeling bad. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm just tired of not being over Matt. He has moved on. Calls me the "ex who still has feelings." He is so over me it's like we never had a past together in his head.
So now I heal. I need to focus on me. I focus on my life. I went for a run. I will do homework tonight. I will go to bed. Wake up and do a little homework and go to the gym. Then work, come home and do more homework. I need Ryan time. I don't want much contact with him. I need me own space for awhile.
So now I heal. I need to focus on me. I focus on my life. I went for a run. I will do homework tonight. I will go to bed. Wake up and do a little homework and go to the gym. Then work, come home and do more homework. I need Ryan time. I don't want much contact with him. I need me own space for awhile.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
still, after this much time...
My mind still wanders to Matt and tries to understand what I'm not meant to understand. I still want to know why he let me go. But I know. I want to know why he feels the way he feels, and why he can't feel the way I want him to. I want him to like me still.
But so much of it feels like a dream that happened a long time ago. We have worked on building a new friendship. I do view him as my friend. But there is still some past of the old Matt that I dated that returns to my mind and makes me wish he were back, whatever he was to me.
It's more meta-physical, like a memory that I had of something good and I remember wanting that, and so I want it back because that's how I remember it. But when I think of Matt, I don't want him back because I guess I have moved on from him. I'm happy with the friendship, with how things have turned out. But there's still that empty that I remember he filled and so I sometimes wish for him to fill it again.
There was a lot of bad that I put up with. But it's funny how I forget that part.
But it's obvious that we did the best for us. He needs to be alone, and I need to remember that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel for me.
The other night, I asked him if he had any residual feelings for me. He said that he felt bad and didn't want to answer. I said he needed to tell me the truth because I needed to hear it. He said that he is checked-out on guys all together. That he just cannot feel any deep emotion for anyone right now.
I then asked why he dated me. He said because I was everything that he could want, and his head said to date me, and he wanted to like me, and he wanted to be in a healthy relationship, but his heart just never felt it.
His heart was never into me.
I want, I deserve someone who is into me both mind, body, and heart.
So in the end, I don't want Matt, I don't want what he had to offer because it wasn't much.
But sometimes I still want that hole in my heart to be filled, and right now I remember the memory of when it was filled, and it was him filling it, and so in that sense, I still miss him.
But so much of it feels like a dream that happened a long time ago. We have worked on building a new friendship. I do view him as my friend. But there is still some past of the old Matt that I dated that returns to my mind and makes me wish he were back, whatever he was to me.
It's more meta-physical, like a memory that I had of something good and I remember wanting that, and so I want it back because that's how I remember it. But when I think of Matt, I don't want him back because I guess I have moved on from him. I'm happy with the friendship, with how things have turned out. But there's still that empty that I remember he filled and so I sometimes wish for him to fill it again.
There was a lot of bad that I put up with. But it's funny how I forget that part.
But it's obvious that we did the best for us. He needs to be alone, and I need to remember that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel for me.
The other night, I asked him if he had any residual feelings for me. He said that he felt bad and didn't want to answer. I said he needed to tell me the truth because I needed to hear it. He said that he is checked-out on guys all together. That he just cannot feel any deep emotion for anyone right now.
I then asked why he dated me. He said because I was everything that he could want, and his head said to date me, and he wanted to like me, and he wanted to be in a healthy relationship, but his heart just never felt it.
His heart was never into me.
I want, I deserve someone who is into me both mind, body, and heart.
So in the end, I don't want Matt, I don't want what he had to offer because it wasn't much.
But sometimes I still want that hole in my heart to be filled, and right now I remember the memory of when it was filled, and it was him filling it, and so in that sense, I still miss him.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Still Trying to put it in the Past
I stumble under the weight.
I try to put it in the past.
But I keep holding on to this illusion.
I'm not ready to try and live without you.
But I'm tired of feeling this pain,
What good does it do me now?
I want to let go, no longer slip into your memory.
I want to fly away and feel the sun on my face.
But all I can feel is the shadow of your absence.
I guess I need more time to figure it out.
Part of me still beleives that you'll come back.
Part of me still believes that we will work it out.
Part of me wants to cry out for your return.
But I need to say goodbye to you, as my lover, forever.
I'm tired of feeling this pain,
what good does it do me now?
I'll get it all figured out it time.
I try to put it in the past.
But I keep holding on to this illusion.
I'm not ready to try and live without you.
But I'm tired of feeling this pain,
What good does it do me now?
I want to let go, no longer slip into your memory.
I want to fly away and feel the sun on my face.
But all I can feel is the shadow of your absence.
I guess I need more time to figure it out.
Part of me still beleives that you'll come back.
Part of me still believes that we will work it out.
Part of me wants to cry out for your return.
But I need to say goodbye to you, as my lover, forever.
I'm tired of feeling this pain,
what good does it do me now?
I'll get it all figured out it time.
Monday, February 02, 2009
So now I learn to let go of our relationship, let go of the good times and bad times we shared as lovers, but I tell myself to look forward to the friendship we can now build... funny that I got my wish of being able to still be in his life as a friend. I'm happy and should be glad, as it could have been much worse. I might have never had the chance to try and love him, and I wouldn't have known his worth, and how beautiful he is both inside and out. And I learned more about my worth.
I know there's someone out there waiting for me... be it someone new, or a new Matt who has learned about himself, progressed, and can now give himself to a relationship, I don't know. But I know that everything happens for a reason and I will go forward with faith.
I know there's someone out there waiting for me... be it someone new, or a new Matt who has learned about himself, progressed, and can now give himself to a relationship, I don't know. But I know that everything happens for a reason and I will go forward with faith.
raw words expressing raw emotions
M and I had lunch yesterday. I told him that I still wasn't over him and wasn't ready for things to end. I also told him that I understand though that they need to be over, or we cannot be romantically linked right now. I told him that I understand that friends is best for where he and I are at in out lives.
It still hurts to think of him as just a friend when I was wanting so much more. And I still do. But with time the pain will wane and eventually go away.
He opened up that he isn't happy with where he is in life right now. He still needs to get over his ex, he needs to get his life in order.
I said that I will be there to help out, to be a friend, a shoulder to cry on and someone to laugh with. I miss my Matty but I know that this is for the better, despite the pain I feel right now. I am prepared to make that sacrifice to be his friend.
So I need to say goodbye to Matty my lover, say thank you for the good times and the bad because I learned from there. But still say goodbye to the past. Bye Matt, I will miss you as my lover, but I look forward to building a good, healthy friendship with you.
So I say goodbye, lower my head and close my eyes. And I open them and look up to see you still there, as a friend in my life. Thank you Matty.
It still hurts to think of him as just a friend when I was wanting so much more. And I still do. But with time the pain will wane and eventually go away.
He opened up that he isn't happy with where he is in life right now. He still needs to get over his ex, he needs to get his life in order.
I said that I will be there to help out, to be a friend, a shoulder to cry on and someone to laugh with. I miss my Matty but I know that this is for the better, despite the pain I feel right now. I am prepared to make that sacrifice to be his friend.
So I need to say goodbye to Matty my lover, say thank you for the good times and the bad because I learned from there. But still say goodbye to the past. Bye Matt, I will miss you as my lover, but I look forward to building a good, healthy friendship with you.
So I say goodbye, lower my head and close my eyes. And I open them and look up to see you still there, as a friend in my life. Thank you Matty.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thoughts about where I am
I don't think I want to do anything this Friday night with anyone. I feel like I should do some homework and then go to bed. I'm tired. I have had a productive day as far as house tasks, but have done no homework yet. I need to get to that.
But I was walking out to my car when a realization seemed to unload into my head all at once. I realized that these past two weeks of M and I being broken up have been so good for me. I say good because they have forced me to focus on myself. I have had to do things with me to keep busy and keep my mind of the absence of M in my life. I have gotten reacquainted with who I am again and what I want.
The realization was that I was running full force towards a life with Matt, I was running to him, but I was running away from me. He wanted to move slow, and yet after two months I began to think how soon it would be before I could convince him to move in together. Two months. I think I scared him off. I think that he was feeling suffocated. I think he was feeling like he was drowning. I think he was feeling like he was getting in way over his head, and it was me who was causing him.
I've taken a step back and find that I need time for myself. I need to focus on school, gym, making sure I'm where I need to be. That takes time and energy. I was focusing on Matt and putting too much too soon into him, into us.
The realization also showed that he isn't to blame completely. I was pushing for something he wasn't ready for mentally or emotionally. I scared him off. He couldn't keep up with me. He wasn't ready to lose himself in a relationship with me. And I'm grateful he didn't because I see that I wasn't healthy.
Entering a future relationship, I need to remember to take time for me, especially at the beginning. I bull-dozed too quickly into M's life and I see now that it's not that his heart wasn't opening for me, it just wasn't opening as quickly as I was forcing it to. So he had to make the decision to call it off. He was looking out for himself. He was just doing what he felt was best.
I'm happy with who I am, but still get insecure. I still avoid things, I still run from things. I still have to learn more about myself. I'm not afraid of a relationship, but I'm afraid of how I handle them. I don't like how I get caught up in what I cannot see, but the ideas in my head. I get afraid of myself in a relationship. Of course I will date again when the right boy comes along and I feel inclined to do so, but for now I am really loving myself, in the sense that I've been to the gym four times this week, been studying, eating healthy.
I'm happy. My happiness weighed on M when we were dating. And that thought scares me. I should thank him next I see him. I still do care for him a lot. But it's so plain to me now that I was more of the problem than I had thought. I'm happy I can see this, so that I correct myself and work on being me, remembering myself, and remembering that individuality is an essential element in a relationship.
But I was walking out to my car when a realization seemed to unload into my head all at once. I realized that these past two weeks of M and I being broken up have been so good for me. I say good because they have forced me to focus on myself. I have had to do things with me to keep busy and keep my mind of the absence of M in my life. I have gotten reacquainted with who I am again and what I want.
The realization was that I was running full force towards a life with Matt, I was running to him, but I was running away from me. He wanted to move slow, and yet after two months I began to think how soon it would be before I could convince him to move in together. Two months. I think I scared him off. I think that he was feeling suffocated. I think he was feeling like he was drowning. I think he was feeling like he was getting in way over his head, and it was me who was causing him.
I've taken a step back and find that I need time for myself. I need to focus on school, gym, making sure I'm where I need to be. That takes time and energy. I was focusing on Matt and putting too much too soon into him, into us.
The realization also showed that he isn't to blame completely. I was pushing for something he wasn't ready for mentally or emotionally. I scared him off. He couldn't keep up with me. He wasn't ready to lose himself in a relationship with me. And I'm grateful he didn't because I see that I wasn't healthy.
Entering a future relationship, I need to remember to take time for me, especially at the beginning. I bull-dozed too quickly into M's life and I see now that it's not that his heart wasn't opening for me, it just wasn't opening as quickly as I was forcing it to. So he had to make the decision to call it off. He was looking out for himself. He was just doing what he felt was best.
I'm happy with who I am, but still get insecure. I still avoid things, I still run from things. I still have to learn more about myself. I'm not afraid of a relationship, but I'm afraid of how I handle them. I don't like how I get caught up in what I cannot see, but the ideas in my head. I get afraid of myself in a relationship. Of course I will date again when the right boy comes along and I feel inclined to do so, but for now I am really loving myself, in the sense that I've been to the gym four times this week, been studying, eating healthy.
I'm happy. My happiness weighed on M when we were dating. And that thought scares me. I should thank him next I see him. I still do care for him a lot. But it's so plain to me now that I was more of the problem than I had thought. I'm happy I can see this, so that I correct myself and work on being me, remembering myself, and remembering that individuality is an essential element in a relationship.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I want to just put the past behind me. I've learned from it and that is its purpose. I want to move on, leaving the pain, the anger, the sadness, I want to leave it all behind me and keep my focus on the road ahead.
Since he and I ended, I no longer take sleeping aides. I get up early again. I am going to the gym and eating more healthy. I remember that I forget myself in a relationship and need to work on my self-esteem. I have been studying a lot more for classes. I have become closer with my family, I have recognized the importance of good friends in my life.
I am happy. I still feel sad, anger, but much much less, and soon I will be over it and ready to move on, and be myself again.
Since he and I ended, I no longer take sleeping aides. I get up early again. I am going to the gym and eating more healthy. I remember that I forget myself in a relationship and need to work on my self-esteem. I have been studying a lot more for classes. I have become closer with my family, I have recognized the importance of good friends in my life.
I am happy. I still feel sad, anger, but much much less, and soon I will be over it and ready to move on, and be myself again.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Not just for Gemini
Before she died at the age of 101, photographer Ruth Bernhard attributed her longevity to her restlessness. "Never get used to anything," she advised.
I recommend that approach to you right now, Gemini. You're in a phase of your astrological cycle when thinking big and wild and free will be rewarded.
To improve your physical health and boost your mental hygiene, unfamiliarize yourself with the people and things you've grown accustomed to. Sneak away from your habits. Disrupt and tamper with your normal responses. Find good excuses to be unpredictable.
I recommend that approach to you right now, Gemini. You're in a phase of your astrological cycle when thinking big and wild and free will be rewarded.
To improve your physical health and boost your mental hygiene, unfamiliarize yourself with the people and things you've grown accustomed to. Sneak away from your habits. Disrupt and tamper with your normal responses. Find good excuses to be unpredictable.
ready for enough
Quiet in the morning.
The window with just a faint glow, just enough light.
The early of day surrounds my senses.
That faint knot in my stomach stretches and yawns.
I get out of bed and to my tasks.
Plan the day, today is a day.
Ready for change, ready for life.
Scared of myself, scared of the empty,
but tired and ready to accept incomplete.
I can't sit still any longer.
The knot in my stomach,
the knot of my past,
will be let go.
This is a day.
I know what I want.
I know what I need.
I take this day.
Not yet looking forward,
and tired of the past,
today is my day.
The window with just a faint glow, just enough light.
The early of day surrounds my senses.
That faint knot in my stomach stretches and yawns.
I get out of bed and to my tasks.
Plan the day, today is a day.
Ready for change, ready for life.
Scared of myself, scared of the empty,
but tired and ready to accept incomplete.
I can't sit still any longer.
The knot in my stomach,
the knot of my past,
will be let go.
This is a day.
I know what I want.
I know what I need.
I take this day.
Not yet looking forward,
and tired of the past,
today is my day.
Monday, January 26, 2009
wishing I wasn't so affected
The evening is quiet. I think about you.
I miss your smell, your style, the way you form your words.
I think of how you look at me.
These are the things that I miss.
Now I enter a time not for the weak.
I've stood at the top of a tower and dreamt from the fields.
Why I let myself think I'd take you in my arms.
Traveling to that land not many have let me go.
I wonder what you do in your free time now.
I lay down my torch.
I lay down my sword.
I lay down my shield.
I lay down my heart.
I lay down my abandonment.
I lay down my breath.
I lay down my thoughts.
I lay down.
Five story fire. What a game we played.
What a mess we made.
What a fool I was.
What a mess I was.
A design I placed in the stars, but only to flush out with water.
I miss your smell, your style, the way you form your words.
I think of how you look at me.
These are the things that I miss.
Now I enter a time not for the weak.
I've stood at the top of a tower and dreamt from the fields.
Why I let myself think I'd take you in my arms.
Traveling to that land not many have let me go.
I wonder what you do in your free time now.
I lay down my torch.
I lay down my sword.
I lay down my shield.
I lay down my heart.
I lay down my abandonment.
I lay down my breath.
I lay down my thoughts.
I lay down.
Five story fire. What a game we played.
What a mess we made.
What a fool I was.
What a mess I was.
A design I placed in the stars, but only to flush out with water.
A new start, but remembering the past
As Madonna says, "Say goodbye to not knowing when the truth in my whole life began... and I'll remember the way that you changed me..."
I try to remember many things everyday of my life: How much my family loves me, trying to focus on the positive of a break-up, that I need to study more for the test next week, etc. But I know that I'm no longer a guest in my own life. It's mine and I finally feel like I have the strength to reach out and grab it, and take it back.
But the road has been long, and I've had to sit down many times, and I've gotten lost and given up many times. But I'm happy. I can say that I am happy with where I am in life right now. I still see a road ahead of me, many opportunities to learn, grow, stumble, laugh, and cry.
But that is life and I wouldn't want it any other way.
I went to a funeral of a close family friend this past weekend. She had a difficult, but good life. As we all do. But the thought that stayed close to me the whole weekend was that life is too short for grudges, hate, dislike, and all the things that in the end, only hurt the bearer.
It was important for my family to know me, know who I am. So I came out to my sister. We had been close growing up, but when I finally figured that girls just didn't make the mark, I closed her from my life, fearing that she would reject me. I need her and her family in my life. No one else seems to get me life she does. No one else can discuss growing up and how we felt and the trials we went though, and the good times we shared. No one else listens to my problems and rantings and then she vents and then gets mad when I won't just listen, she needs to get things off her chest and be heard, so she teaches me to just listen. I love that we are really talking again. I love that we can bare our souls and know that the other is just as vulnerable. I love having my sister in my life again.
I recently broke up with a man I thought I could start planning a life with. He wasn't ready. I mourn that I can no longer hold a great, beautiful man in my arms and call him lover, but I keep my eyes and thoughts fixed that one day I may hold this great, beautiful man in my arms and call him friend. I wasn't ready to let him go. I'm still holding on to him. But each day I'm learning to let go of the illusion we can posses. Each day I let him go a little more, and for now I travel in stillness. But I'll remember him, I'll remember happiness.
So I lift my head up and look toward the sun, and know that I must follow my heart. In this time of confusion and change, it's a very good place to start.
So to begin, I have decided that this is the year, my last full year in my 20s, and I am going to do what I keep not doing... haha.
I'm going to get in shape. I'm going to be more professional at work. I bought new pants and shirts for work so that can be a little more dressy, but still not too dressy. ;)
I want to change my image and start to be more classy. I want to be dapper at times.
Each day I hope to get a little more closer to who I am.
I try to remember many things everyday of my life: How much my family loves me, trying to focus on the positive of a break-up, that I need to study more for the test next week, etc. But I know that I'm no longer a guest in my own life. It's mine and I finally feel like I have the strength to reach out and grab it, and take it back.
But the road has been long, and I've had to sit down many times, and I've gotten lost and given up many times. But I'm happy. I can say that I am happy with where I am in life right now. I still see a road ahead of me, many opportunities to learn, grow, stumble, laugh, and cry.
But that is life and I wouldn't want it any other way.
I went to a funeral of a close family friend this past weekend. She had a difficult, but good life. As we all do. But the thought that stayed close to me the whole weekend was that life is too short for grudges, hate, dislike, and all the things that in the end, only hurt the bearer.
It was important for my family to know me, know who I am. So I came out to my sister. We had been close growing up, but when I finally figured that girls just didn't make the mark, I closed her from my life, fearing that she would reject me. I need her and her family in my life. No one else seems to get me life she does. No one else can discuss growing up and how we felt and the trials we went though, and the good times we shared. No one else listens to my problems and rantings and then she vents and then gets mad when I won't just listen, she needs to get things off her chest and be heard, so she teaches me to just listen. I love that we are really talking again. I love that we can bare our souls and know that the other is just as vulnerable. I love having my sister in my life again.
I recently broke up with a man I thought I could start planning a life with. He wasn't ready. I mourn that I can no longer hold a great, beautiful man in my arms and call him lover, but I keep my eyes and thoughts fixed that one day I may hold this great, beautiful man in my arms and call him friend. I wasn't ready to let him go. I'm still holding on to him. But each day I'm learning to let go of the illusion we can posses. Each day I let him go a little more, and for now I travel in stillness. But I'll remember him, I'll remember happiness.
So I lift my head up and look toward the sun, and know that I must follow my heart. In this time of confusion and change, it's a very good place to start.
So to begin, I have decided that this is the year, my last full year in my 20s, and I am going to do what I keep not doing... haha.
I'm going to get in shape. I'm going to be more professional at work. I bought new pants and shirts for work so that can be a little more dressy, but still not too dressy. ;)
I want to change my image and start to be more classy. I want to be dapper at times.
Each day I hope to get a little more closer to who I am.
Monday, December 15, 2008
I am special too
I jump in.
No, stand back.
Take it slowly.
Take your time.
You've gone too far
too soon.
Take a step back while there
is still time.
You found someone beautiful.
Someone who makes you
feel beautiful.
But take back your heart.
It's too early to hand out.
Don't play the fool.
Again.
You are still special.
You are already whole.
You have your own life.
You fight for your own way.
You have shown that you
can make it alone.
Life will never be complete,
that's the best part.
Always changing,
always evolving.
Let go of illusions.
Stay with the truth.
Remember who you are.
I am still special.
I am me, and I am loved.
No, stand back.
Take it slowly.
Take your time.
You've gone too far
too soon.
Take a step back while there
is still time.
You found someone beautiful.
Someone who makes you
feel beautiful.
But take back your heart.
It's too early to hand out.
Don't play the fool.
Again.
You are still special.
You are already whole.
You have your own life.
You fight for your own way.
You have shown that you
can make it alone.
Life will never be complete,
that's the best part.
Always changing,
always evolving.
Let go of illusions.
Stay with the truth.
Remember who you are.
I am still special.
I am me, and I am loved.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Just breathe
Wow, stress to the maximum is how I feel: finals, new relationship, being sick. I don't like it.
I am already terrible at relationships so I'm trying really hard to chill with this one and just keep it chill. Especially since it's just been a few weeks. But exacerbated with finals and being sick, I feel like the end is very near, and inevitable... ugh.
Breathe, breathe, breathe, xanax... lol
I am already terrible at relationships so I'm trying really hard to chill with this one and just keep it chill. Especially since it's just been a few weeks. But exacerbated with finals and being sick, I feel like the end is very near, and inevitable... ugh.
Breathe, breathe, breathe, xanax... lol
Friday, December 05, 2008
Still good advice...
I still remember a friend telling me to not be the victim. So I'm not going to fall into that trap again. I won't be the victim when it comes to this relationship. He seems to be perfect: met through good, mutual friends, we share similar interests, we are attracted to each other, I love his personality, I can listen to him talk - he keeps my interest... just so happy with him.
But with it come the fears of the unknown and uncertainties... but just have fun with it, keep from getting too involved too quickly, and of course when something doesn't work out the way I want, I will not be the victim but rather I will be a part in adjusting, fixing, and working to keep this good thing good. ;)
But with it come the fears of the unknown and uncertainties... but just have fun with it, keep from getting too involved too quickly, and of course when something doesn't work out the way I want, I will not be the victim but rather I will be a part in adjusting, fixing, and working to keep this good thing good. ;)
Sunday, November 23, 2008
So I might be a hypocrite. Jealous. Loud. Pretentious. Threatened. Capitalist. Heaven forbid I be ignored or criticized. I may have abused my power, forgive me. I don't want to accept that we are all one.
You said wouldn't it be a shame to know how great I was minutes before I died. I cringed.
I was hoping we could heal each other. I was hoping we could be more together.
You said wouldn't it be a shame to know how great I was minutes before I died. I cringed.
I was hoping we could heal each other. I was hoping we could be more together.
bring it back
Just burn all the memories, too many names and information.
Shadows on the floor in the kitchen.
Still trying to not be naive.
Going to New York, leave this behind in AZ.
I needed to know what type of people I'd deal with there.
I'm now overly cautious. I try not to be head-strong.
Terrified.
I'm not wanting to stare, but why you haven't cracked open yet has me amazed.
I tried to be there, but you pused us away.
Resilient. Big-time. Ahead-of-your-time.
You are. I am.
Shadows on the floor in the kitchen.
Still trying to not be naive.
Going to New York, leave this behind in AZ.
I needed to know what type of people I'd deal with there.
I'm now overly cautious. I try not to be head-strong.
Terrified.
I'm not wanting to stare, but why you haven't cracked open yet has me amazed.
I tried to be there, but you pused us away.
Resilient. Big-time. Ahead-of-your-time.
You are. I am.
I can still get mad
I'd be lying if I said I was alright with how you've moved behind my back.
I'd just be proving you right by keeping quiet or speaking up.
What can my reaction be? You have me figured out, don't you?
I just can't not. I can't not fight when I'm misread.
Needing a hug is whining. You'd be slighted if I said your love isn't love.
But I can't complain can I? Because I'm the one reaching for it, aren't I?
I can't help wonder why you even ask me.
You think you're the right one.
You think you're the charmed one.
Who do you think you are really, underneath?
Why do you offend me?
Why do you affect me still?
Why to you hinder me?
Why do you unnerve me still?
Why do you trigger me after all this time?
I'd just be proving you right by keeping quiet or speaking up.
What can my reaction be? You have me figured out, don't you?
I just can't not. I can't not fight when I'm misread.
Needing a hug is whining. You'd be slighted if I said your love isn't love.
But I can't complain can I? Because I'm the one reaching for it, aren't I?
I can't help wonder why you even ask me.
You think you're the right one.
You think you're the charmed one.
Who do you think you are really, underneath?
Why do you offend me?
Why do you affect me still?
Why to you hinder me?
Why do you unnerve me still?
Why do you trigger me after all this time?
I can't like everyone
Are you still trying to make up for what you lack?
Are you mad that I had to have emotional affairs?
Are you still mad I didn't play into your palm?
Of course you are.
Do you still want to make me jealous by flirting wildly?
Do you remember that I always had one foot out the door?
Do you want to still use me as a cruch?
Of yours you do.
Are you mad that I could only like your potential?
Are you mad that I threw in the towel?
Are you mad that I gave up long before you did?
Of course you are.
Are you mad that I had to have emotional affairs?
Are you still mad I didn't play into your palm?
Of course you are.
Do you still want to make me jealous by flirting wildly?
Do you remember that I always had one foot out the door?
Do you want to still use me as a cruch?
Of yours you do.
Are you mad that I could only like your potential?
Are you mad that I threw in the towel?
Are you mad that I gave up long before you did?
Of course you are.
Hope is no Secret
I don't know how many times I've hit a wall. And then hit another, and another, and another. It's like I get off by hitting walls. I like to put myself in positions to squirm, and fret, and try to find the light and air. Always fighting to make it work when I'm the one sabotaging myself.
Sabotaging myself. But I still hope I'll get better.
I've talked about a guy. I've wanted a guy. I've crushed after him, I've lusted after him.
But I wouldn't date me either. I wouldn't date me either.
Will things be the same? Or will I make them better?
Happiness lies in my own hands, will I take me longer to understand that?
I need to learn to love myself, I need to learn to love who I am. No more fighting, no more hollow promises, only to return to the sloth and envy, the self-spoiling.
So I share a secret, I share what I feel inside, I share in hopes I'll be held accountable by myself. So let me start. Let me accomplish much as I work hard for it. Let me enjoy the things I've earned. Let me feel content that I have worked hard and I deserve happiness, and I'll let myself be happy, finally.
Sabotaging myself. But I still hope I'll get better.
I've talked about a guy. I've wanted a guy. I've crushed after him, I've lusted after him.
But I wouldn't date me either. I wouldn't date me either.
Will things be the same? Or will I make them better?
Happiness lies in my own hands, will I take me longer to understand that?
I need to learn to love myself, I need to learn to love who I am. No more fighting, no more hollow promises, only to return to the sloth and envy, the self-spoiling.
So I share a secret, I share what I feel inside, I share in hopes I'll be held accountable by myself. So let me start. Let me accomplish much as I work hard for it. Let me enjoy the things I've earned. Let me feel content that I have worked hard and I deserve happiness, and I'll let myself be happy, finally.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
When you play the game too long, no one can take you seriously.
I never got to tell you how I feel.
I put my bets on the table, my cards in my hand.
But set the stakes too high, you're bound to lose.
This game of love only brings pain.
I'll never be more than just a friend.
But you gave me something to remember.
You told me to love myself first, then someone else can.
We weren't meant to be.
Happiness I thought was with you,
wish I had the chance to prove.
What a shame, who's to blame?
I place my bets and show my cards.
Just friends,
but you gave me something to remember.
I never got to tell you how I feel.
I put my bets on the table, my cards in my hand.
But set the stakes too high, you're bound to lose.
This game of love only brings pain.
I'll never be more than just a friend.
But you gave me something to remember.
You told me to love myself first, then someone else can.
We weren't meant to be.
Happiness I thought was with you,
wish I had the chance to prove.
What a shame, who's to blame?
I place my bets and show my cards.
Just friends,
but you gave me something to remember.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
You can't say
You knew what would happen.
You knew how it would end.
You read the signs.
You saw the subtleties.
This should be no surprise.
So do you twist the truth now?
Are you happy now?
So it's time to hold on.
It's time to move on.
In the night, I cried so hard.
These ridiculous thoughts fill my head.
I shouldn't have trusted.
It's not going to happen now.
So now it's time to move on.
Now it's time to move on.
Still I wish I didn't feel the cry.
I wish I didn't allow such ridiculous thoughts to fill my head.
So now I hold on,
So now I move on.
You knew how it would end.
You read the signs.
You saw the subtleties.
This should be no surprise.
So do you twist the truth now?
Are you happy now?
So it's time to hold on.
It's time to move on.
In the night, I cried so hard.
These ridiculous thoughts fill my head.
I shouldn't have trusted.
It's not going to happen now.
So now it's time to move on.
Now it's time to move on.
Still I wish I didn't feel the cry.
I wish I didn't allow such ridiculous thoughts to fill my head.
So now I hold on,
So now I move on.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
sideways tonight, then logical tomorrow
Do I allow myself to dream when I know it will end?
What do I say when confronted with 10 minutes of joy?
What happens when the song is over?
Do I concentraite on the end or the beginning?
Can I run that far?
No I will grow weary.
I will need to sit down.
I cannot knowingly lead my heart to an end.
I will no longer fight uphill.
But in my dreams just tonight
I will run until I can run no more.
I will kiss until my lips feel no more.
I will love until my heart aches,
I will love until my heart breaks,
I will love until there's nothing more to live for.
What do I say when confronted with 10 minutes of joy?
What happens when the song is over?
Do I concentraite on the end or the beginning?
Can I run that far?
No I will grow weary.
I will need to sit down.
I cannot knowingly lead my heart to an end.
I will no longer fight uphill.
But in my dreams just tonight
I will run until I can run no more.
I will kiss until my lips feel no more.
I will love until my heart aches,
I will love until my heart breaks,
I will love until there's nothing more to live for.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
we hold the key to the cause right here, underneath
Look at me jumping ship when I say I'm on board.
Look at me try to love you when I hate myself.
Look at me open my arms wide and form a clique.
Watch me as I begin to turn the tide.
I hold the key to the cause.
I'm in the middle of a crazy 4-test week. But so far I'm surviving...
Hottie:
Look at me try to love you when I hate myself.
Look at me open my arms wide and form a clique.
Watch me as I begin to turn the tide.
I hold the key to the cause.
I'm in the middle of a crazy 4-test week. But so far I'm surviving...
Hottie:
Sunday, November 16, 2008
The morning came quickly. He dressed quietly and opened the bedroom door. It had been a fun, crazy night. He had shared a cab to his friend's house and crashed in the guest bedroom. At the time he was excited to go home with his firend, he had had a crush on him since they met just a couple months earlier. He'd left his car there in anticipation of cabbing it. He got to his car and went home. He enjoyed a good crush, but it was time to let this one go, and just enjoy the friendship. He had stayed in the guest room.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
in praise of a vulnerable man
Funny. Most other bloggers want people to read and comment on what they write, but I find that I avoid sometimes writing because I don't want people to read what I write.
But at the same time I don't care that people read my thoughts and what's in my head. Not like I'm going to divulge any super personal information, but anyway... I really like writing. I like to express myself through words. It's a me thing.
I saw Madonna. I saw Alanis. I loved both concerts.
Last night we had a theme party and everyone dressed in drag. It was a hoot. I was going for a $2 hooker look. I totally achieved it.
The man I want to unravel is tightly knit. He won't budge from is tower. I can only walk up to the wall and talk, hoping to get information, to learn of him. I wonder why he has a shell up. My friends say not to bother with him, but there's something in me that wants to continue prying, probing, hoping that I might find a crack. He said that he is boring. I asked about lovers and he said he's not at a place right now for that.
I wonder what happened to him, or what happened in the past to cause such thoughts and actions.
I of course continually battle myself and my insecurities. I'm happy but know I need to do so much more. I'm the one that stands in my way. But learning to accept myself and accepting that I need to change... it's quite the feat. I feel that I've moved into a space in my life where I feel comfortable, but fortunate. If that makes sense. I don't want to take anything for granted, so the "comfortable" can be misleading. I've played my cards wrong with others and ended up losing some good people and causing more work for myself down the road. But I don't cry for them anymore, and I don't cry for me anymore. I try to remember that setting stakes too high is bound for a loss.
So trying to relax these days, yet get tons of work done. Pharmacy school is not for the faint of heart. I hope I do well on these tests coming up. I will need to get my act together definitely by tomorrow. Today I went to a friend's baby shower and it was soo good to see her. I'm really happy that we're still friends. She and I have been though a lot together.
Some really good advice that I am learning to incorporate in my life:
"Be wise." My mom said that to me and it's an all-encompassing phrase. She meant that with my time and my priorities to be wise. Wow... I needed to write this to remind myself that I have a bit more work to finish before I'm off for the night.
"There comes a point where you just have to stop." A friend from Chicago said this to me when he and I were visiting San Diego. It was in a little restaurant in Hillcrest. I'd been drinking and he was put out by me. I was pressing why he had flirted with me before we met, and after we met he was totally aloof, or very "just friends." I understand now why. Or at least I've answered it for myself. But back to the advice. Stopping me when I'm full is difficult. I have an obsessive personality and when I get on a kick, I tend to ride it to the highest tide. It can be damaging. Learning to control myself, and learning to stop when I know I reach the stopping point.
I'm constantly feeling like I'm learning to trade fame for love, but I always second think things. I run, rush into things I know won't make me happy in the long run, well, be wise Ryan, be wise.
But at the same time I don't care that people read my thoughts and what's in my head. Not like I'm going to divulge any super personal information, but anyway... I really like writing. I like to express myself through words. It's a me thing.
I saw Madonna. I saw Alanis. I loved both concerts.
Last night we had a theme party and everyone dressed in drag. It was a hoot. I was going for a $2 hooker look. I totally achieved it.
The man I want to unravel is tightly knit. He won't budge from is tower. I can only walk up to the wall and talk, hoping to get information, to learn of him. I wonder why he has a shell up. My friends say not to bother with him, but there's something in me that wants to continue prying, probing, hoping that I might find a crack. He said that he is boring. I asked about lovers and he said he's not at a place right now for that.
I wonder what happened to him, or what happened in the past to cause such thoughts and actions.
I of course continually battle myself and my insecurities. I'm happy but know I need to do so much more. I'm the one that stands in my way. But learning to accept myself and accepting that I need to change... it's quite the feat. I feel that I've moved into a space in my life where I feel comfortable, but fortunate. If that makes sense. I don't want to take anything for granted, so the "comfortable" can be misleading. I've played my cards wrong with others and ended up losing some good people and causing more work for myself down the road. But I don't cry for them anymore, and I don't cry for me anymore. I try to remember that setting stakes too high is bound for a loss.
So trying to relax these days, yet get tons of work done. Pharmacy school is not for the faint of heart. I hope I do well on these tests coming up. I will need to get my act together definitely by tomorrow. Today I went to a friend's baby shower and it was soo good to see her. I'm really happy that we're still friends. She and I have been though a lot together.
Some really good advice that I am learning to incorporate in my life:
"Be wise." My mom said that to me and it's an all-encompassing phrase. She meant that with my time and my priorities to be wise. Wow... I needed to write this to remind myself that I have a bit more work to finish before I'm off for the night.
"There comes a point where you just have to stop." A friend from Chicago said this to me when he and I were visiting San Diego. It was in a little restaurant in Hillcrest. I'd been drinking and he was put out by me. I was pressing why he had flirted with me before we met, and after we met he was totally aloof, or very "just friends." I understand now why. Or at least I've answered it for myself. But back to the advice. Stopping me when I'm full is difficult. I have an obsessive personality and when I get on a kick, I tend to ride it to the highest tide. It can be damaging. Learning to control myself, and learning to stop when I know I reach the stopping point.
I'm constantly feeling like I'm learning to trade fame for love, but I always second think things. I run, rush into things I know won't make me happy in the long run, well, be wise Ryan, be wise.
Friday, October 24, 2008
I won't be bothered
The rain was warm. Despite the drops of water falling from the sky the night was still. 14 years I hadn't felt like this. I once drempt of sailing on a clear water with the stars looking down on me. I didn't know where I was going, and I didn't care. I woke up and thought what a terrible metaphore that is.
"My name is Dita, I'll be your mistress tonight."
"My name is Dita, I'll be your mistress tonight."
Friday, October 03, 2008
Full Dream
He saw the lines of light on the wall, sneaking though the thick drapes, heralding the rise of the sun. He wanted to return to sleep but his mind lurched forward to begin thinking of all he needed to do that day. A moment of solace would be wonderful he thought to himself. The night seemed to cloak the wearies of the day, to put off the events and accomplishments for just a few hours. He was happy enough, grateful even for having such occupancies of his time. Really he'd rather be no where else. But a moment, a second of peace was more relished than a gold coin might.
This was the dream he had been dreaming. This is what he wanted, he knew it. Now with a course in sight, he would bloom out to capture more of his goals and dreams. But just a few more moments of sleep would oblige him greatly.
This was the dream he had been dreaming. This is what he wanted, he knew it. Now with a course in sight, he would bloom out to capture more of his goals and dreams. But just a few more moments of sleep would oblige him greatly.
Friday, September 26, 2008
up & down & all around: survival
I'm not going to be an angel. But it seems I try to attain it.
I feel like I'm in the same rut I have been in for a long time now. confidence is so funny. When will I get it? When I'm not confident, what am I? A victim?
I no longer wonder what happened, why things happened as they did between C and I.
I get it now.
I get that I was a mess beyond help, except though experience and my own introspection would I lift myself from. I think I'm still lifting. I think I'm over it. I hope I am. I'm pretty sure. I no longer look back with a devout fondness, nor disdain. I look back at it as a time in my life, just like other times in my life. There was joy, there was sorrow, but it was a time all the same.
This is fresh in my mind because a friend pulled some games on me and I saw that I didn't want to play anymore. And I feel that the only thing I can to which is best for both of us is to walk away.
Now I see that it's time to put my shoulder to the wheel. Rome was not built in one day, and neither will I become what I want to be. But it will take one day at a time.
I feel like I'm in the same rut I have been in for a long time now. confidence is so funny. When will I get it? When I'm not confident, what am I? A victim?
I no longer wonder what happened, why things happened as they did between C and I.
I get it now.
I get that I was a mess beyond help, except though experience and my own introspection would I lift myself from. I think I'm still lifting. I think I'm over it. I hope I am. I'm pretty sure. I no longer look back with a devout fondness, nor disdain. I look back at it as a time in my life, just like other times in my life. There was joy, there was sorrow, but it was a time all the same.
This is fresh in my mind because a friend pulled some games on me and I saw that I didn't want to play anymore. And I feel that the only thing I can to which is best for both of us is to walk away.
Now I see that it's time to put my shoulder to the wheel. Rome was not built in one day, and neither will I become what I want to be. But it will take one day at a time.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I find I'm still running
stop stop
run run
block block
look for a way out
run to the sun
run to the moon
avoid the sun
avoid the rain
hide your tears
hide your fears
run run
stop stop
I'm looking for me
I run past my school
I run past my mom
I run past my life
stop, hold my breath.
I'm accountable
It's me
I'm not ready, still preparing myself
time to taste the rain,
time to taste my tears
time to face my fears
time to stop running
and face me
run run
block block
look for a way out
run to the sun
run to the moon
avoid the sun
avoid the rain
hide your tears
hide your fears
run run
stop stop
I'm looking for me
I run past my school
I run past my mom
I run past my life
stop, hold my breath.
I'm accountable
It's me
I'm not ready, still preparing myself
time to taste the rain,
time to taste my tears
time to face my fears
time to stop running
and face me
Monday, September 22, 2008
on me
some time for myself
I fell hard this time
good friends, next time
I won't be so blind
But for me now
I'll chalk it up to experience
and take some time
this time
I fell hard this time
good friends, next time
I won't be so blind
But for me now
I'll chalk it up to experience
and take some time
this time
not mine
I see you out, alone. No there are gloves on the chair next to you.
I'm happy you're happy, call me sometime.
My mind races, I try to slow down.
You've been on my mind.
Give you my heart
my pain won't cover up
I can't take it
You left me alone
I saw all that you are
I wanted to be open
But the works were awkward,
For years I needed to give you something.
You left me in the past.
Can't hold this love.
I can't change this,
Can't take it back (can't change your mind)
I'm happy you're happy, call me sometime.
My mind races, I try to slow down.
You've been on my mind.
Give you my heart
my pain won't cover up
I can't take it
You left me alone
I saw all that you are
I wanted to be open
But the works were awkward,
For years I needed to give you something.
You left me in the past.
Can't hold this love.
I can't change this,
Can't take it back (can't change your mind)
sometimes
I had to walk on,
I just wanted to hold you.
I say I can love you.
But it's fine.
I see the stars.
Walking down an empty street,
no one near.
But I know it's fine,
I see the stars.
(How do you know you?)
(How do I know you're true?)
Tonight like all the others,
we walk in the cool evening.
I'm alright,
I see the lights.
Neon lights, cigarettes, rented rooms, empty bars, golden lights, misty breath, colored shoes, I'm tired of crying on the stairs...
I just wanted to hold you.
I say I can love you.
But it's fine.
I see the stars.
Walking down an empty street,
no one near.
But I know it's fine,
I see the stars.
(How do you know you?)
(How do I know you're true?)
Tonight like all the others,
we walk in the cool evening.
I'm alright,
I see the lights.
Neon lights, cigarettes, rented rooms, empty bars, golden lights, misty breath, colored shoes, I'm tired of crying on the stairs...
I couldn't
The orchestra started up.
I confess I was a little nervous,
I didn't recognize the song.
The people began to show up
In their party clothes.
The line was bowing.
You said what a pretty thing,
the steps to dance, leading me through.
suddenly I thought I knew the song.
I see how they follow, jump
(they jump)
turn (they turn)
I look back,
I won't be there.
I confess I was a little nervous,
I didn't recognize the song.
The people began to show up
In their party clothes.
The line was bowing.
You said what a pretty thing,
the steps to dance, leading me through.
suddenly I thought I knew the song.
I see how they follow, jump
(they jump)
turn (they turn)
I look back,
I won't be there.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
on my mind
My mom sent an email that was kind of against gays. It offended me. But I kept quiet. But I felt some distance form between us. I just don't know still what to think abou it...
But on better news, I feel like I'm getting into the swing of school.
But on better news, I feel like I'm getting into the swing of school.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Smoke and Lights
The evening is quiet. I think about you.
I miss your smell, your style, the way you form your words.
I think of how you look at me.
These are the things that I miss.
Now I enter a time not for the weak.
I've stood at the top of a tower and dreamt from the fields.
Why I let myself think I'd take you in my arms.
Traveling to that land not many have let me go.
I wonder what you do in your free time now.
I lay down my torch. I lay down my sword. I lay down my shield. I lay down my heart. I lay down my abandonment. I lay down my breath. I lay down my thoughts. I lay down.
Five story fire. What a game we played. What a mess we made. What a fool I was. What a mess I was. A design I placed in the stars, but only to flush out with water.
Nothing has been clear for me. Nothing has been warm to me. I have kept one foot out the door. I have been looking for a home. I live in a limbo.
My identity.
My dreams.
My hopes.
My truths.
My breath.
My home.
My family.
My self.
What I see around me. Dear friends, my books, my memories, my treasures, my home.
I learn my purpose, I begin to set my roots. I know I can be apart of. No precluding myself, applying my wisdom. Why I think I'm not when I am.
I'm ready to be forward, moving, going, happening.
I think I put my heart back to me. No more trying to speak to a cold wall. Change is in the ground, the foundation. Giving in to so many monsters and demons. No more window dreams when I have a world all around me. Dream my own priority, my own self, my own voice, my own heart.
I know what I am, what I can become. I see the road blocks, I see my self as a part of it.
Step me over, step over me.
Bring myself to me, meet for the first time.
Dream big, dream small, dream at night, Dream at Day, dream often, dream much.
Unconventional kid, intense, piercing eyes. Overrated, deserving. but wanting to just be happy. I'm nice, I'm good, I'm loved, I'm cared, I'm me.
By my own hand
underfed, labeled, canceled out by others, allowing, (stand up).
much intentions, mis read understood.
Bravery intrinsically. Bravery alone, all by myself.
Not living in my blind spot. Not usual. Deserving. Treat me like me.
Love me. So much to offer.
My secrets. My problems. No one to solve them but me.
No one else belongs here with me.
Hello, is there something wrong with me?
Sunday I cry all night. I hurt.
But this is who I am.
No one else belongs here with me.
Color code my swords and clean clothes.
I want you to be proud of me.
Am I that crazy? Is there something wrong with me?
Try to understand, this is who I am.
No one else belongs here with me.
But me.
I miss your smell, your style, the way you form your words.
I think of how you look at me.
These are the things that I miss.
Now I enter a time not for the weak.
I've stood at the top of a tower and dreamt from the fields.
Why I let myself think I'd take you in my arms.
Traveling to that land not many have let me go.
I wonder what you do in your free time now.
I lay down my torch. I lay down my sword. I lay down my shield. I lay down my heart. I lay down my abandonment. I lay down my breath. I lay down my thoughts. I lay down.
Five story fire. What a game we played. What a mess we made. What a fool I was. What a mess I was. A design I placed in the stars, but only to flush out with water.
Nothing has been clear for me. Nothing has been warm to me. I have kept one foot out the door. I have been looking for a home. I live in a limbo.
My identity.
My dreams.
My hopes.
My truths.
My breath.
My home.
My family.
My self.
What I see around me. Dear friends, my books, my memories, my treasures, my home.
I learn my purpose, I begin to set my roots. I know I can be apart of. No precluding myself, applying my wisdom. Why I think I'm not when I am.
I'm ready to be forward, moving, going, happening.
I think I put my heart back to me. No more trying to speak to a cold wall. Change is in the ground, the foundation. Giving in to so many monsters and demons. No more window dreams when I have a world all around me. Dream my own priority, my own self, my own voice, my own heart.
I know what I am, what I can become. I see the road blocks, I see my self as a part of it.
Step me over, step over me.
Bring myself to me, meet for the first time.
Dream big, dream small, dream at night, Dream at Day, dream often, dream much.
Unconventional kid, intense, piercing eyes. Overrated, deserving. but wanting to just be happy. I'm nice, I'm good, I'm loved, I'm cared, I'm me.
By my own hand
underfed, labeled, canceled out by others, allowing, (stand up).
much intentions, mis read understood.
Bravery intrinsically. Bravery alone, all by myself.
Not living in my blind spot. Not usual. Deserving. Treat me like me.
Love me. So much to offer.
My secrets. My problems. No one to solve them but me.
No one else belongs here with me.
Hello, is there something wrong with me?
Sunday I cry all night. I hurt.
But this is who I am.
No one else belongs here with me.
Color code my swords and clean clothes.
I want you to be proud of me.
Am I that crazy? Is there something wrong with me?
Try to understand, this is who I am.
No one else belongs here with me.
But me.
Ha.
I guess I still have miles to go. Wow, the victim crept out of nowhere last night and setteled in all night. But when too much EtOH happens, that can happen. Ugh.
I felt like I was invisible last night. I didn't like it and I didn't like how I was handling it. I was trying to be someone else. Yearning to pretend to be someone else. Just for a moment. I wish I could displace myself 6000 miles.
Words are never enough.
So far away from what I want to be. So far away.
So I begin the journey. I begin my quest.
I'm alright, don't be sorry, but it's true.
In my voice I waiver and sometimes crumble.
So far away,
words are never enough.
I felt like I was invisible last night. I didn't like it and I didn't like how I was handling it. I was trying to be someone else. Yearning to pretend to be someone else. Just for a moment. I wish I could displace myself 6000 miles.
Words are never enough.
So far away from what I want to be. So far away.
So I begin the journey. I begin my quest.
I'm alright, don't be sorry, but it's true.
In my voice I waiver and sometimes crumble.
So far away,
words are never enough.
Saturday, September 06, 2008
wow
it all came back. he woke something in me. that something that makes me remember. i remember why I date men. i hope to date him.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
el ultimo vals
wow. I cannot believe it. My favorite band in the world broke up. Well, the lead singer, whose voice was so distinctive and for me almost the band, left them. I'll miss her.
So I have listened to the new voice of LodVG. She is good too, but not the same.
So I have listened to the new voice of LodVG. She is good too, but not the same. 
So I'm going to give them a shot... but I do love them... I saw them in concert... This makes me a little sad...
So I've developed a little crush on the base player of LOdVG. Alvaro. I'll be dreaming my dreams... ;)
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
The new paperboy done gone and broke my sternum
I'm tired. There's so much I need to do tomorrow for school. videogameboy done gone and caught my attention again. Rowingboy is surely a hottie, and nice, and smart.
Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Night.
Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Night.
Monday, September 01, 2008
Orchid, no rose please
It's very east to get distracted, side-tracked, amused with a site, caught up in other stuff... really anything applies when I'm not accomplishing the task I set out to do. I was in the shower and realized that I haven't written in this thing for some time. I was thinking how much fun I've had doing this. I like to let my thoughts out and allow them to flow to the world.
My favorite Alanis song right now is "Orchid." It makes me think about myself and how I view who I am. For so long I've defined myself based on how I perceive others seeing me. I look at my life, my room, my belongings like I'm looking through the eyes of others. It seems I'm always trying to please. Also I had a recent incident of "the victim" crop up. It worried me. I don't want to digress.
I've been thinking a lot about VideoGameBoy (VGB). He said a very poignant comment. I was looking though his library and admiring, commenting, and asking about the books he had read, or at least had on his shelf. And then when we settled down to play a video game, he asked what the last book I read was. It was Wicked. And I think that is the only book I have read this year. This year. Wow.
I really had thought that I had read more than that. So I've been thinking that I need to read more. I'm trying to read The Other Bolyn Girl and also Lord Jim, but I have only just read few pages into them. It seems I'm much more intrigued to watch a re-run of The Simpsons.
Who am I now? Where did the Ryan go that used to read? That used to have a zest for life? Am I treating my life like a rose when really it's an orchid? Wanting, seeing, hoping, waiting, doing what I think I should do, but going about it all wrong?
Am I happy? Not fully I don't think. Not fully.
Today I weighed in. I weight X. I want to become X-12lbs by the end of Sept. My late evening snacking is what I really, really need to work on. On a 1-5 scale, I snacked at a 3 tonight. It was awful. I'm trying to not be upset, I snack all the time, and old habits die hard. I need to progress.
I miss some people tonight. I miss The Waterless Fish. But he's out of my life, and despite the sentiments dwelling on his absence, I am happy. I think I'm beginning to love what we shared and I'm okay with him moving on with his life. I have a few questions, but the fact that they have no answer may be the answer.
I miss the dancing girls. They always knew how to make me feel like the most special guy in the world.
Class is going well. I am trying to get a handle on what I'm doing with it all. 17 credits is a heavy load and juggling it is rough for me. But worth it. It has to be, is this my dream, or a hurdle? It's all about perspective.
Lastly, Xaiver has been on my mind a lot. He's bust with his job, love life, family, schooling, his life. I wish I could just hold him tonight as I fall asleep. Silly of me to even muse of him, but I do so tonight.
I'm on the road to get happy, not that I'm not happy, but I know I have potential.
"I'm a sweet piece of work
Well intentioned and unloved
Unlabeled and misunderstood
Treated like a rose as an orchid"
My favorite Alanis song right now is "Orchid." It makes me think about myself and how I view who I am. For so long I've defined myself based on how I perceive others seeing me. I look at my life, my room, my belongings like I'm looking through the eyes of others. It seems I'm always trying to please. Also I had a recent incident of "the victim" crop up. It worried me. I don't want to digress.
I've been thinking a lot about VideoGameBoy (VGB). He said a very poignant comment. I was looking though his library and admiring, commenting, and asking about the books he had read, or at least had on his shelf. And then when we settled down to play a video game, he asked what the last book I read was. It was Wicked. And I think that is the only book I have read this year. This year. Wow.
I really had thought that I had read more than that. So I've been thinking that I need to read more. I'm trying to read The Other Bolyn Girl and also Lord Jim, but I have only just read few pages into them. It seems I'm much more intrigued to watch a re-run of The Simpsons.
Who am I now? Where did the Ryan go that used to read? That used to have a zest for life? Am I treating my life like a rose when really it's an orchid? Wanting, seeing, hoping, waiting, doing what I think I should do, but going about it all wrong?
Am I happy? Not fully I don't think. Not fully.
Today I weighed in. I weight X. I want to become X-12lbs by the end of Sept. My late evening snacking is what I really, really need to work on. On a 1-5 scale, I snacked at a 3 tonight. It was awful. I'm trying to not be upset, I snack all the time, and old habits die hard. I need to progress.
I miss some people tonight. I miss The Waterless Fish. But he's out of my life, and despite the sentiments dwelling on his absence, I am happy. I think I'm beginning to love what we shared and I'm okay with him moving on with his life. I have a few questions, but the fact that they have no answer may be the answer.
I miss the dancing girls. They always knew how to make me feel like the most special guy in the world.
Class is going well. I am trying to get a handle on what I'm doing with it all. 17 credits is a heavy load and juggling it is rough for me. But worth it. It has to be, is this my dream, or a hurdle? It's all about perspective.
Lastly, Xaiver has been on my mind a lot. He's bust with his job, love life, family, schooling, his life. I wish I could just hold him tonight as I fall asleep. Silly of me to even muse of him, but I do so tonight.
I'm on the road to get happy, not that I'm not happy, but I know I have potential.
"I'm a sweet piece of work
Well intentioned and unloved
Unlabeled and misunderstood
Treated like a rose as an orchid"
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Good for me
So it was good for me to hang out with R. He reminded me that I'm not as busy, or even fit-to-be-tied as I thought I was. I can do so much more.
So much more.
He's good for me.
I need to start reading again. I need to clean my room again. I need to look at the sky again. I need to enjoy the birds chirping again. I need to take Ginger for walks again. I need to call my mom more often. I need to babysit my neices and nephews more.
So much more.
A bump on a log no longer. A heap on my bed no more.
I can be so much more.
So much more.
He's good for me.
I need to start reading again. I need to clean my room again. I need to look at the sky again. I need to enjoy the birds chirping again. I need to take Ginger for walks again. I need to call my mom more often. I need to babysit my neices and nephews more.
So much more.
A bump on a log no longer. A heap on my bed no more.
I can be so much more.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
I may have it a wall
I'm so tired of all the crap. Really.
I'm tired of these ideals, and if you're not up to par, you suck.
Wow.
I'm tired of all this crap.
I think I allow myself to be in the crap.
I'm getting out.
I'm tired of these ideals, and if you're not up to par, you suck.
Wow.
I'm tired of all this crap.
I think I allow myself to be in the crap.
I'm getting out.
Monday, July 14, 2008
I don't care if it's not right,
I still want your arms around me.
Pot of coffee, consulting the coffee rings. When do I tell myself to get over you?
The the unknown intrigues me. I want to get into your head, learn your thoughts.
I could never know you well, you're too complex.
That is what draws me to you.
(The coffee's cold now)
My attention is drawn to thoughts of you sleeping next to me. You move, your leg touches mine.
I debate internally if I should respond or if you just sleeping. Sleep usually won, and still wins.
I want to put my thoughts of you to sleep.
Be the friend you indirectly tell me you need.
I think that I'll be done with it. Tell myself to just be done with it.
I wonder if the microwave should heat the coffee.
I wonder if the microwave could heat your emotions.
I wonder if the microwave would bring us together.
And then I laugh.
Pot of coffee, consulting the coffee rings. When do I tell myself to get over you?
The the unknown intrigues me. I want to get into your head, learn your thoughts.
I could never know you well, you're too complex.
That is what draws me to you.
(The coffee's cold now)
My attention is drawn to thoughts of you sleeping next to me. You move, your leg touches mine.
I debate internally if I should respond or if you just sleeping. Sleep usually won, and still wins.
I want to put my thoughts of you to sleep.
Be the friend you indirectly tell me you need.
I think that I'll be done with it. Tell myself to just be done with it.
I wonder if the microwave should heat the coffee.
I wonder if the microwave could heat your emotions.
I wonder if the microwave would bring us together.
And then I laugh.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Chasing what I thought
I tried to think you were good for me. You were though. I thought I knew.
But I try to remain unaffected.
There's this emotion that I feel in my core. I know what it means, I know who makes me feel it. But with him, lonely is a garuntee, he's not coming home to me.
Please can I go with you? I'll be your beauty #2.
Hey can I go with you? My beauty is only number two.
It's over, I don't want to be over. It's not over.
I wish I were. I wish I were the object he wanted.
But he sees me as a rose, to not be touched.
I know I'm not, I'm an orchid.
I'm all intense around him, trying to hide my faults.
I want to trust him with my heart, and have him trust me.
But I try to remain unaffected.
There's this emotion that I feel in my core. I know what it means, I know who makes me feel it. But with him, lonely is a garuntee, he's not coming home to me.
Please can I go with you? I'll be your beauty #2.
Hey can I go with you? My beauty is only number two.
It's over, I don't want to be over. It's not over.
I wish I were. I wish I were the object he wanted.
But he sees me as a rose, to not be touched.
I know I'm not, I'm an orchid.
I'm all intense around him, trying to hide my faults.
I want to trust him with my heart, and have him trust me.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Happy to be incomplete
By that I mean still evolving. I am a sweet piece of work, or I want to think so. I wonder if I'm like an orchid but trying to live like a rose.
Putting both feet into my life. I don't want to live half-way anymore.
Putting both feet into my life. I don't want to live half-way anymore.
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