I LOVE San Diego

I'm in Sand Diego now. Waiting for the boys to get ready so we can go to a car show and then be out and busy about. I think I like it a lot here. I could live here. We went to a bar called Flick's last night. It was a video bar. I must admit I like the music at the video bar in Scottsdale much more. There the DJ plays more top 40 and the popular songs that some fags hate to love... Like old Madonna, anything Janet, Christina's "Dirrty" is usually there.

But I did find it funny that both bars have their drink specials on Wednesday. Must be a video bar thing.

I think today we are going to a car show, and then to the Spaghetti Factory to eat and meet up with some people that we met last night at the bar...

Meeting people is one of my favorite things to do. It's so interesting to get to know a stranger. It's like a drug for me, I love it.

B made nut brittle yesterday and this morning it has to be the best breakfast that I have ever had! Only for a minute I was worried that my tooth broke off in the chewing process.

vaya

no he podido esta vez, vuelvo a caer. que importa nada si no se reir, no se sentir. quiero llorar, quiero darte un beso sin pensar. quiero que me ensenes a jugar. se que me vuelto a perder, que vuelto a desenterrar todo aquel que pase.

hoy he dejado de hablar. quiero disimular. reinviento. quiero que mi mundo deje de girar. quiero que mis manos tengan fuerzas para dar.

no se como explicar que solo puedo llorar. necesito la paz se que esconden tus ojos, que se anuncia tu boca,

cuenta me aquella historia de princesas y amores que un vez te conte yo.

draft

Should I just smile, go to bed or throw a party? All of my clothes feel like someone's old throw-aways. These cucumber eyes glimmer in the light of another. All colors go where you do. I feel so powerless. I need to stop this somehow and be happy. For you. The window glass reflects where you once stood. Rain still falls on that soggy plain in spain. argentina still shouldn't cry. I want to buy you a small mixing bowl for the reception. You'll still be on my Christmas list. old jeans are comfortable, like an old lover. past is in the past. assimilate past and future. adoring you, all good. beauty, you know me inside out. even my dark secrets. I have to love you, I can't help love you. I'm happy for you. my head is happy for you. my heart stopped 20 minutes ago. my heart is beating just fine. my heart understands too. I'm telling my heart to be happy for you. it is. it'll come around.
It's good to be in love.
I'm happy you're in love.

I'm happy you're in love

(why's it happening? how's it happening? that you're feeling it without me.)

a dios le pido

estoy perdiendo las ganas de escribir. lots of shit has come down and lots and lots of wonderful things to be happy about. I am loving life right now. I am going to San Diego in just two weeks I'll be there!!!! I love San Diego. I also am much closer with the straight boy and I know for a fact that I can only ever be friends with him, but really good friends. I called the girl today. I think we might hang out later. Yes I'm gay. Or I think I am. Why do I like a girl? Why am I attracted to her. My roommate would roll over in his grave if he were dead. I just don't think that once gay you can never go back. Do I make any sense?

new beginning

This semester has drawn to a nice close. I've put the books away and boxed up the backpack until January. But I did leave a few text books out so as to read some and review. I'm sure there's a book nerd somewhere in my soul, I just need to find him.

Last night I went out to celebrate the end of school, and met someone rather nice. He is from Seattle, and has been in town for about a year, but is just now coming out. He has lived in Seattle and San Francisco and NEVER went to a gay bar there (and is now going to bars in Phoenix, wow. Living in solid "10" cities and then moving to a "3" city, in my opinion, it's probably best he didn't have any thing to compare to, if so, one word: disappointment). So I'm kind of excited to help him get his feet under him, and what's hard is that he's attractive and smart and REALLY nice, kind, generous, and gentlemanly. But I've told myself that he's beginning and more than likely with his new found freedom and sense of self, he'll need to "experiment" as we all did. So I've told myself that friendship is as far as I can go.
And he's new meat, so all the wolves will be after him. But you always remember the friends there with you at that time of your life, right?

Since school is over, I'm feeling free, and like I have SOO much time on my hands. So this morning I cleaned the kitchen and my room and should have gone to work out and run, but that is tonight and tomorrow. So the cute straight boy works out, so does the new guy. I NEED TO GET OFF MY FAT ASS AND GET TO THE GYM. No more excuses. So starting tonight, I'll do yoga, and then run and lift tomorrow morning. I need to. end of story.

A great read for the season is Here. This story made me feel all warm inside. I think I may be been somewhat inspired, but quickly moved that feeling out of mind... hehe.

www.dooce.com

I must insist that all read today's entry on dooce.com. Good, funny stuff.

Now Serving Bitter, Party of One

Today, being Friday, I sent out text messages that stated "Happy Friday!" to various people. Because I'm very happy that today is Friday (I'm sure everyone is).

I can be somewhat conniving, and so I sent a text to JV. Yep the same one who didn't return my text over 1.5 weeks ago when I asked the simple question, if he had heard of the movie Closer. So when I got his text back, it stated: "To you too. How ya doing?"
Well I'm pulling my 13 year-old card and not going to answer back. That will show him, damnit!

And then reality sets in and I realize that he probably doesn't even remember I texed him in the first place. sigh. Yeah, the wind has been taken out of my sails. Oh well. But at least for like .3 seconds I felt like I would get him.

I guess when I'm the one who likes, I'm always the "loser."

Early Morning

The only time I'm ever awake to see the sun rise is if I stayed up all night. After a really huge night of going out and all that, I got home just in time to watch the sunrise reflect off the buildings of up-town Phoenix. This is a view from my balcony at about 6AM some time ago. The silence and tranquility of the moment seem to come back to me when I look at the picture. I remember I stood out there for a long time just thinking, meditating. Crucial parts of any existence. I don't do that like I used to. But I'm looking forward to school's end so I can have a bit more time to contemplate life and my next move.

If I Were a Girl

This is my coworker. Looking up to see her fate. After begging me to erase this picture, I advised her to just accept the inevitable. She is the funniest girl I have met. Hilarious. Her wit is unprecedented. And she's always in a good mood. Sometimes I'll say things just to see what her return statement will be. I love it.

Over It

I'm over the whole camera phone thing. It was really cool to begin with, but now I think that I'd just rather have a camera. That takes good quality pictures. But that won't happen for awhile. So I'm going to start taking really crappy quality pictures with my phone and post them here de vez en cuando. I don't worry about letting people know that they will be posted. The camera is of such quality that any discernible features of my models will probably not be captured.
I think it will be fun.
Last night was out of control. I got really drunk and have been trying to get over the hangover since. I should know that I don't do well with the hangovers. They attack me very ferociously. But the straight boy and B were all about getting me drunk, while they themselves got drunk. Then the night escalated until we found ourselves naked and... wait, that didn't happen. We just went to IHOP for some good 'ol drunk grubin'. YUM!
I think I'm having bowel problems because of that. Or maybe not.
But no studying was done this morning, and so I'm going to study tonight. I have to. I have to take a test tomorrow at 7:40AM. Who in their right mind would expect a person to have the wherewithal to take a test at that hour? I don't know either.
But I have swallowed a whole smurf tonight in order to study and not get too distracted.

Cheers to me and studying!

Fast Food

So today I smell like I camped all night in Jack in the Box. My roommate left his (damned) deep fryer on all night. Not only is that a fire hazard, wasting electricity, and making the apt smell really bad, makes food really greasy (but at the same time irrisitable)... I smell really bad. ugh. Tonight will consist of opening windows, lighting candles, rewashing my pants that were drying in the living room, and Febreezing everything. then I think that I wasn't going to go out, but I think that I will go out to get away from the stench. And to celebrate that there's no school tomorrow.

Note: Looks like me and my french-fry-smelling trousers will be heading out tonight to hang with the cute straight boy and company. Did I mention that the cute, straight boy was mormon once upon a time too? It's nice having a cohort in crime.

And we lived happily ever after.

Door Closes. Window Opens. Window Closes. Watch TV.

So today was your typical Monday. Got to class to take the final exam and realized that I left my final paper at home. Typical. So had to rush home between class and work to get the paper. But I did learn that ASU has an Anthropology building.

Song of the Day is definitely "Special" by Garbage. Shirley was totally singing my song. "I thought you were special, I though you should know. But I've run out of patience, I'm tired of silence..."
And I was kind of sad about the whole JV situation (groan from the audience). I couldn't shake that little nagging reminder in the back of my mind.

So in the midst of it all, I get a random call from a good friend of mine. "Hello"
"Come outside."
"What?"
"Come outside, I'm in my white pickup." I leave my cell (cubicle) and outside sure enough there she was.
"Here, I brought you this drink, it's my favorite. It's all melted and if you don't like it, don't waste it, give it to someone. I'm going to get my hair cut. Bye." I could hardly mumble a bye before she was driving off.
She is the best. She totally made the day much better.

And then after that I checked my email, and saw that a friend emailed me in response to my email, and he lifted a weight off my shoulders that was becoming tiresome.

So the day got better.

I'm tired right now, and so I'm going to continue learning about the cell and all . I go to San Diego in 23 days. (Yea me!)

And then as if following some divine cue, would you believe that a friend who moved to San Francisco just called to catch up and let me know that he's going to be in town this weekend.

Usually, I'd begin to start wondering when the bad was going to come on again, and think that today I've burnt through 7 years of saved up good luck and any spare karma that I may have had.

But you know, why? How about if I let off the cynical mood and just enjoy the moment. Relish. Life just isn't as bad as I've lead myself to believe lately. It's actually pretty good.

I can't help but think that there are some big changes that will happen soon. And even if all it is, is that I get to retire Audry from the calendar and hang up Madonna, then so be it.

Come what May

Today was a surreal day. I felt as if I was drifting through a dream for the most part. I will be going to bed early tonight. For the most part I wish I had this weekend to do over. I don't usually regret, but I regret this weekend. I won't go into the incriminating details.
I hope though that this regret will dissapear and I can count this as a learning experiene. And it will. That is something I do.

Sometimes I still feel like a child learning, learning things that by now I should know and be well aquainted with. I have to remind myself everyday to keep my head up, and to continue pressing forward. It would be easy to run away, but I can't. That's not me. Sometimes I don't feel strong enough to make it. Other times I feel 10 feet tall and bullet-proof. I think it's a process of forgiving myself of the mistakes I have made. And I need to forgive all others of the silly offenses I've taken. There is no need for me to be jealous. Or upset with another's personal choices regardless if I feel they were made in error. I can't take things so personally anymore.

I've been wanting to harden my heart, turn to stone and become cold. And just not care anymore. But in the back of my mind I know that staying warm and welcoming is what I need to do. If I lose that, I can't help but feel I'll just become another face in the crowd. We're all human here together. I just need to let go, and follow my heart. And I promise to try.

Drunk

So this is my first drunk entry. this = truth. not for the faint of heart.

Tonight. Went to a straight bar. Girl hit on me. Got girl's number. Girl is a lawyer. What the fuck is up with me and lawyers? Should have walked away from lawyer/girl. Will I call girl/lawyer? While talking to girl/lawyer, roommate comes up to me and asks if I still want to go the the GAY bar. I look at lawyer/girl. Girl/lawyer looks at me. Mental note to kill roommate later. Roommate leaves. I cover up well with girl/lawyer. (Remember to thank god for alcoholic effects on hearing). Told girl/lawyer name of bar similar to the GAY bar. Leaving bar, confronted roommate what the FUCK that was about. Roommate comes up with LAME ASS excuse. I accuse roommate of being jealous and having CRUSH on me. Roommate becomes quiet. Umcomfortable silence ensues. I point out next semi-cute boy I see. Thank god for diversions. Mental note to never bring that up again.

Gay bar: Girl comes up to me and asks me if I get tired of girls hitting on me, and proceedes to hit on me. Make out with girl. I know making out at bars is tacky. This bar is a tacky bar. Buy girl a drink. See straight guy friend out with his other gay friends, and realize have crush on him. Say hi to him and walk away. Mental note: must get over crush. See friend out. Friend's partner not in town. Friend flirting wildly with other boy. Groping and kissing wildly with other boy. I wish friend well. Friend tells me nothing is going on, nothing will happen. Friend and other boy leave together. Smile to myself, for I am evil. I messed around with friend's partner back in my promiscuous days. Smile not malicious smile, or happy for what I did, but that really, WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.

Realize god is playing a cruel joke on me: I'm attracted to boys, boys not attracted to me. I'm not attracted to girls, girls attracted to me.

I suppose that if god is getting a laugh out of me, then that must be my purpose.

New favorite song: "Love Tried to Welcome Me" by Madonna
Irony: love has never tried to welcome me. It's the other way around.
Solution: accept fate. And go on with life.

LOVE the movie CLOSER. GO SEE IT. Clive Owen is new love interest.

"Loniness has never been a stranger to me. These are my lips but they whisper sorrow. Instead of sping it's always winter. And my heart has always been a lonely hunter."

Oh yeah, while drunk will say I hope JV suffers much and dies a slow agonizing death after a boring, lonely existence on this planet. Not because I hate him, but because that is what he did to my heart. okay even when drunk don't really wish that on him. I guess I just wish him the best. Cuz I guess I'm not.

Right then. Bed.

Debate

Should I go to bed early on a Friday? I am sick and actually leaving work early because of it.
Should I go see the new movie Closer? I have planned this night with a co-worker for about a week now.
Should I hang out with some friends (a couple) that I know at the end of the night will ask me to stay over?

Hmmm.

Okay this one wasn't hard at all. I think I'm gonna hang with D, Julia, Natalie, Jude, and Clive tonight. I'm pretty sure B will join us.

Happy Friday!

Sometimes you Lose

Even the most aggressive of contenders must know that when a situation is perceived as futile, it is time to bow out graciously.
I was careful however and holding my head up, I leave the battlefield unscathed.

Pack a lunch, this is a lengthy one...

I'm sick. I'm on the up-swing though. But regardless of the impending finals and my current physical status, I went out last night. I still have a weakness to saying no to a good time. And it doesn't help when a really cute boy is asking you to go. I feel total friendship for him, and so I justified it as "development of friendship." He's one of those people that I've known not too long but feel a connection with. Like we met in a previous life or in the spirit world...

Major Personal Realization Ahead:
So while out last night, I was all about just hanging out, dancing when the right songs came on and relaxing. Usually though at this particular bar, I've always felt to be on the uglier side of the patrons. But I've noticed that with time and my new ideas about how to view myself, I have become more open to the idea that I'm not as ugly as I think I am (how shallow can I get, worrying about looks was so 2003. But I still have my own personal demons I'm confronting). Anyway, I decided that last night at the bar I was on the better looking side of the night, and granted that if I would get my fat ass to the gym a bit more often, I'd be quite the catch. And actually the fact that writing this is making me puke just a little in my mouth (just a little bit) says to me that maybe I'm further along than I think I am. When people tell me I'm cute, I think that they are just being nice to get me to shut-up... "Just tell him he's cute and he'll be quiet the rest of the night." They might just actually mean it, and not be placating me. So it's nice to finally see progression on a war that has been on-going since I was old enough to distinguish between that kind of thing.

Now don't go thinking I think I'm supermodel quality! Goodness no! But quality enough so that the majority of people don't go running away screaming when they see me.

Also today I revamped my phone. I purchased a new ring tone and a picture to display. I'm excited. (Please just sigh now, cuz yes, it is all still Madonna themed, but I LOVE IT!!! and it makes me happy! (wink)) Hey! I'm taking on one issue at a time here... lol.

Hella Times

So, I took one of those online quizzes today, because I'm really ahead at work, and I didn't want my supervisor getting any crazy ideas that I was actually capable of doing more work. So I was wasting time. According to the quiz:

-I am spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones I love. (who doesn't?)

-I try to enjoy my life to the maximum and my love life is soon to blossom. (Please Mr./Mrs. Fate LET IT BE JV)

-I will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever. (NEVERMIND, let JV be a different one that lasts.)

-I have a friend who completely confides in me and would do anything for me, but I may not realize it. (and a good thing, I'm all about cashing in on this one... hehe)

-This person is your best friend. (I had to name a person of the same sex, of course JV, and friend ship comes before love, am I right?)

-I will have 37 close friends in my lifetime. (my favorite number)-I like adventure. (only because I chose CA over FL)

-I am spontaneous and like to please people. (I plead the 5th)So there you go.

Oh, and I have actually been doing some reading and I totally need to refer any or all of the poor souls who may wander here to www.dooce.com. It is a wonderful site. She is ex-mormon and not afraid to voice her opinion. I swear I know her... she lives in Salt Lake, I was born there, we were both raised mormon... I'm sure we're related in one way or another... hehe.

Forget It

I want to believe, but this cloud hangs over me.
There’s a place where you follow me
There’s a breath that you share with me
There’s a taste of what life could be.

I’ll just fade away (Please let me stay).
You go your way (I could live forever here)

You’re the part of me that I don’t want to see.

a las estrellas pido

Do you ever find yourself walking down your particular chosen path in life and then find that not only did it prove to be the wrong path, but you have to retrace your steps, moving back to where you already were? And the 2nd time around isn't going to be any easier than the first, if not a bit more difficult?

I'm sure that is just a common misfortune of life, without immunity. Happens to everybody.

But that's where I find myself.

Sin ni una palabra, me di cuenta que lo que estábamos compartiendo se acabó. Durante nuestra conversación había el sentido que algo cambió. Pero primeramente sentí que el mundo iba a dejar de gira.

Duele el amor sin ti. Duele mis ojos por no verte. Duele mis labios por no besarte. Duele mis dedos por no tocarte. Duele mi alma por no sentir tu calor.

Quisiera que me amaras.
Quisiera estar contigo siempre.

El cielo se apagó desde que te fuiste. El sol se escondió su cara. Para no ver mis lágrimas congelados en cristal. En la noche busco tu fantasma que se burla de me dentro de mis sueños.

Quiero preguntarte por qué no me diste ni una mentira para creer.

Pero todo esto no pasaba. Porque aprendo del pasado. No te quería más que un amigo. Sin embargo en las noches, cuando estoy al punto de entrar el mundo de los sueños, dejo pensar como sería si estuvieras conmigo, viviendo una vida juntos. No puedo caer así, porque solo fue un sueño, en realidad no pienso así.

rain, rain, come today

Yesterday all I wanted to do was absolve myself from the real world. I wanted to close my door and windows and just watch a good movie wrapped in a blanket on the sofa. So I rented Mean Girls. Decent flick.
That was my recovery from the weekend of out-too-late nights. But I have to say that this weekend was wonderful. I had fun. My usual depression from bar attendance was surprisingly low. Met some nice people. Had fun with the family. And decided it was time I took a break from my life. Not getting away. Just ducking out for awhile. Not too much before the wonderful holidays, but enough to prep for next year.
I'm toying with the idea that I need to lay low again. All summer I was never out, and this time I want to be gone before the summer. Not so that I can make a grand entrance with the heat. I just want to get out of it for awhile.
I feel that when I try and stretch myself too many ways at once I begin to lose my center of gravity, or I forget my goals.
This dawned on me when I was out with a frined and he said that he'd call me the next day, and when no phone call came at the expected time I was midly troubled that I was an awful boring person that no one would ever in their right mind would ever want to be around. Yes, flashback five years. That was me on a daily basis.
I've come so far. So far from who I used to be. I'm not the neurotic mess I was. I still have my moments, but I'm so much the stronger person.
I find that if I'm okay with me, then so is the world. I have goals that have been placed in the freezer for sometime now, I need to get them out, thaw them, and then see what I can do to develope them.
What happened to running? Working out? Reading novels? Wrinting in my journal? Yes, I have a paper journal.
I've been reading the Book of Mormon again lately. I remember so much about my past when I read that book. How I used to be. I would never want to return, but visiting is nice.
My ideal is I will be my past, present and future. I'm still working on the gay mormon thing...

A veces me siento que di mi vida al viento.
y ahora la busco.
Pero ya me doy cuenta que estuvo en mi mano.
siempre la tuve.

In a Crowded Room, Feeling so Alone

For the longest time I've felt I was the odd man out on a ship of fools. Now I realize I just may be the fool.

Imagine my Reality

This morning in the shower I did something I haven't done in quite some time. I day-dreamed. I was up earlier this morning so I had a few extra minutes to spare and before I knew it I was performing Evita on Broadway and had millions of adoring fans and was going to film a movie co-starring Jude Law.

And then the thought hit me: I couldn't remember the last time I was in a day dream that was all about me being something incredibly wonderful, living a wonderful life. I couldn't remember the last time I day-dreamed. I loved it. I devoured the self-indulgence.

I have been so preoccupied with school, work, and so much other stuff that sums up reality, I forgot to just let my mind free and live in whimsy. It was most liberating. As I walked out to my car in my scarf, gloves, and sunglasses (why not?) I wondered if my neighbors knew they were living next to one of the world's most famous actors/singers.

I used to have a pretty good imagination. Even to the point the art teacher in high school was recruiting me to be on the year-book staff. When I would do things for my classes that entailed props, I never went half-way. To this day, the set I designed and built for Act 5 of Romeo and Juliet to be perfomed using puppets is in that English teacher's room.

Who is that Ryan? How could I be so care free and relaxed, that things just came, just flowed to me; that imagination was always part of my reality. It kept life exciting for me as a child. As I've gotten older, I've lost a lot of it. But I want to reinstitute it. I want to not take life so seriously, and not take love so seriously. "I know there's someone out there, waiting for me. There must be someone out there, there just has to be." But in the meantime, I'm going to find me and love me. I 'm going to love strangers again, and make people I hardly know feel they are important. I thrive on seeing others happy, I've been somewhat caught up on myself lately, or on the illusion of me, working, studying, being boring.

I want to love life, just like I used to when I was a kid, when I was a teenager. There are still a lot of first times out there, and second times, and fiftieth times. If the imagination is present, why should I ever live a mundane life again? Others may perceive me as that, but only if they could taste the adventure that I am going to call life. And of course, everyone is invited.

T = 5days

Song of the Day: "Live To Tell"

can I stay in love forever?

Reno/Tahoe is where it’s at this week. Well, it’s where JV is. He left Sunday morning 7am. I wanted to be there at 6:45 with a coffee to send him on his way. But I thought too much about it and decided that I would then be on stalker boundaries with that one. In jest, as I was leaving Sat afternoon, I said for him to send a postcard my way and he got all serious and took my address down. I don’t expect one, but it would still be something fun.
My roommate is convinced that this thing with JV and I is going to all come crashing down soon. I must admit that things seem to be going too well also. I’ve learned that my love affairs don’t last for long; I never fool myself that my dreams will actually come true.
But I keep telling myself that we are just friends, and really that is all it should be. However I cannot deny that I would like it to develop into something more, something bigger, something wonderful. I’m a hopeless romantic.
But I like the ambiguity. There was that talk that I brought up a few weeks ago, and since then I have been very content to just let it take shape as the fates see fit to form it.
I’ve never moved this slowly, I usually get impatient and either try and define the relationship or just drop it. Someone new usually comes along towards the floundering end anyway.

Someone new has cropped up.

JV and I are not floundering. We are establishing a friendship that is mandatory and fun. It’s still exciting to go over to his house, and talk. I feel like I could talk forever with him and still not know enough about him.

I’ve never really been in this situation. Well once, but I bullocked that one up rather well. So I’m resolved to just take is slowly with this other guy as well. Funny thing though with this other, A, is that we too have been moving rather slowly. I met him about a month ago, and we’ve been meaning to get together, but nothing has worked out. Not that it was difficult planning something, just I never felt any pressure to get things going.
And now we’re meeting up for coffee this week. JV is out of town. I can’t wait for him to get back so I can hear about his trip. But knowing him, his trip will probably be summed up in about 30 seconds. He never waists words.
On Saturday we were ending and I stood up to leave and he stood up on the couch to be taller than me, but quickly got off. In those seconds that he was there where I looked up to him, I wanted to either hug him or kiss him or both. Or I wanted to play punch him.
All that went through my mind, but as usual, when uncertain, I just remain still.

RESOLUTION:

I have decided that the outlook I need to assume with JV is one that I want to give him support and friendship and love, and I don’t want to expect anything in return. I want to give and give and give to him. I don’t want him to feel he needs to give me anything. I don’t want to think he needs to give anything to me. I just want him to know how much I like to be in his presence. I feel like I can accomplish anything when I’m with him. I feel like I could live forever should I choose to do so. That is gift enough for me. But it’s a dangerous high. I could become addicted to him. So by giving much to him, I’m hoping I’ll give more than I receive and will wear out eventually and then I will lose interest because it’s too much work to be around him. That is my defense mechanism.

Just from the friendship I feel like I have a level of peace in my life that I haven’t experienced in years. Things just make sense when he’s there. And there are after effects. Spending time with him will usually put me in a good mood for the rest of the day.
The usual doubt and uncertainty that plagues me with anybody that I like is gone with JV. Deep down I know I trust him. And if he feels that nothing more than a friendship, or even ending the friendship is best, then I know that I can just trust him and accept his decision wasn’t made in spite, but in the best interest of the situation.

He’s in Reno/Tahoe this week. I miss him. Just a little bit every now and then.

Oxymoron

Slowly, ever so slowly. I feel myself breaking away from him. I have set out with the goal to make my heart feel only friendship for him. I want him in my life. Anything more than friendship is unhealthy at this point. We need to start at friendship (and we never proceed further). When I’m away from him, I’m fine. But can’t say that the incriminating little though of wishing I could see him never crosses my mind. It’s when I’m around him I either want to tackle him and dig myself into his soul or I can hold back the deluge of affectivity. I need more practice being around him (That was a fun sentence).
Hmmm, just read the last few sentences and nothing really made sense or totally contradicted itself. But I do love a good contradiction now and then, being a gay mormon and all.

Also to anyone reading, I would definitely recommend reading Edinburgh by Alexander Chee. A very good book. I couldn’t put it down. I’m thinking that since I’m all about supporting the arts, I will buy the book and I’d like to read it again and write notes in it. There are a lot of hidden intricacies that tickled my fancy. Who said that good literature could only come from England, and selected neighboring countries between the years 1800 – 1950 (oh, that was me).

Stranger than Fiction

I can't put my finger on it, but I know that something has changed. In me. I'm not who I was a week ago. I've changed. There are still remnants of the man who used to live in me, and they are part of me. I have to clean up what he left behind. I need to learn how to live in this being. The eyes seem so large, what is peering through them so small. I don't mourn the departure of this man. Actually glad that he has moved on. I feel closer to myself than I have felt in years. I feel like I can move on. The man left behind much. I learned to act like him, I learned to think like him. But now that he is gone I must learn to develop who I am. Everything that goes wrong is no longer is fault, but mine. Everything good no longer will go to his credit. It it me. This existence feels strange. Like a newborn opening her eyes. But I remember how I used to be. At least I think I do. I'm scared. I'm excited. I can do this. I won't fail. I won't run away.

I'll taste my tears.
I'll face my fears.

Voy

I should wear black. I'm mourning right now. Only I don't know why. Maybe it's me. I'm not who I used to be. And I'm not sure I know who I am right now. I think I have an idea. But deep down I know that this isn't me.

Recently a close friend wrote me a letter out of the blue. I had been trying to push her away gently, along with that circle of friends. I no longer cared to associate with them. Here's what she wrote:

"Ryan, I really do hope you are doing well and happy. I know that you like to experience life - usually in a direction that I'm not familiar with - but I hope you don't ever get too caught up in all of that. I know great things are in your path if you decide to pick up the responsibility (but I don't say a word, not one word). And as much as I love your playful banter and laugh, sometimes I feel like part of you is missing. I do hope you are happy and close to the Lord and that you remember what is truly important to you. I hope you are praying for strength."

I know the Ryan she is writing to. I used to be him. But that Ryan doesn't exist anymore. I used to think that I would keep him in my back pocket and assume the identity when needed. But I guess even a Gemini cannot play duel roles for very long. I feel I almost don't know how to be that person any more. And we're not talking about progression. We're talking that I have gone a different direction than what I, just four years ago, ever thought I'd take.

I cannot deny what I know. I also cannot deny what I feel. A battleground of sorts. Fighting for happiness, for joy I suppose. Where do I go from here? I remember what joy is. At least I think I do.

I want to be rainbow high

All my reason and defenses desert me when a cute boy with an English accents takes a fancy to me. I crumble under the advances of those from London. And especially when he is nice, polite, kind. Definitely marriage material. But he lives in London. But then I guess I'll just have to go visit him.

A large party ensued this weekend. It was titled M.E.A.T. and themed military. I went in with the notion that I was just as good as any other there. Confidence is always a mandatory accessory at any gay function. I also viewed the situation that I was going to just have a good time. And I did have a good time. What I think or how I tell myself to perceive the situation is working. I met a few nice people last night. And briefly fell in love with a boy from England.

My poor roommate is on the verge of a breakdown. But I'm strong enough for both of us right now. He needs help. He has been used and abused. He needs to learn confidence. I'm not much of a teacher in that sense, since I'm a student myself. But I am further along than him. I want him to see himself as the great person that he is.
We are going to work out together, and since I can talk to pretty much anything that has lips (thanks to the mission), I will take him out and introduce him to my friends, and help him learn to talk to other people, not just close friends. He's very shy. I think I'll call him Eliza, and just call me Higgins.

My current interest introduced me to a friend of his. He is like god. Very cute, body formed after Apollo's, and nice. Very nice. And he is rather interesting to talk to. I looked at my interest in comparison to this new boy. My interest is older, not a body of stone, and not quite as good looking. Sometimes hard to talk to. But I still would have taken him given the choice. I don't know what he has that draws me to him. I want to live inside his soul.

My head is cloudy from grey thoughts. I can't seem to process anything much beyond the basic survial necessities. All I can seem to briefly focus on is a passing thought: Have I accepted that we are just friends.
Turbulent winds bluster within my soul. I want to reach out to him, I want to take his head in my hands, I want to kiss his eyes, I want to sing him to sleep.

My exterior remains placid as a pool in the July afternoon. But I am caught by the undertow. Within I claw for solid ground. I can't feel anything but his absence, and the storm thereof. And I'm sure I am nothing to him, but a friend. When will I accept our beautiful, innocent frinedship.

My mind has split into 1000 pieces. Not enough strength to fully formulate any thought. My heart is numb. Only divinity or death can realease me from this tumultuous pain.

But I know I will survive, if only by the memory that for a few sacred seconds I was yours and you were mine.

Ideas

I've had so many ideas about what to write next. Where do I want to go? I'm bored of whining about love. But it's cathartic for me. I never will stop falling in love or give up hope. So feeling the anquish of a failed affair is just part of the game. I accept that.

I wanted him to be mine so badly. I tried to play it cool. Finally I told him what I felt. It may have damaged, but I don't know. I do know that I was able to go on much easier. He told me that he just isn't ready for a relationship with anybody right now. So friendship it is. Now I'm expending my energy developing a friendship with him, and no longer worried about if something more will arise. If so, then so be it.

There is a huge army themed party tonight. I'm rather excited for it. I've heard of it before, but never have gone. It's by invitaion only, so I guess yours truly made the cut.

If our reality is made or shaped by a large percentage of how we think or perceive it, then wouldn't we have the power to shape our reality?

Surely we all think that what we sense is truth. What we see is there, what we feel is there, but then proceeding into the metaphysical. I am one to get lost there. What I think may be totally not what is truth. So in that sense, I can start to shape what I want. Nobody else can do so for me. They can tell me what they think, but that is just their reality.

She wasn't the most beautiful girl in the room. She wasn't by any means one who stood out intellectually, or in any other sense. She was, as perceived by me, plane. But if I were to talk to her. If I were to take the time to see who she was, then my reality would change and she possibly could be seen as so much more.

I wonder if people think that about me.

But then I saw a guy in the library. He also wasn't very attractive, or seemed to scream special in anyway... but then he did. He had an air of confidence around him that immediately made me wonder who he was and I almost wanted to go figure out when he knew and I didn't that could make him so confident.

If my reality consists of me knowing that I am just fine, and I like me, then would others see that? I think so. Confidence is a quality that I will work towards.

Lessons from Coffee

He called and asked if I would be able to meet him for coffee around 4:30 at the Starbucks on 7th and McDowell. It seems that Starbucks went out of their way to provide a small floor show at that time, enlisting the talent of a local mendicant. He and I chatted during the show, and a few times were part of the audience participation portions.

Chatter mostly consisted of small talk: the weather, work, school, etc. He brought coupons to clip. He's a lawyer. I haven't asked him, but talk from his friends is that he probably doesn't know who his real father is. He put himself through school. He said that he was always really mature for his age. He knew what he needed to do to get into college, and so he did it. He was valedictorian of a class of 400. I was #3 in a class of 100. He made me want to accomplish much. He had so little, and I have the help of parents when the going gets tight, he didn't. He knew he wanted to be a lawyer since he was in high school, and followed through with it. Ambition is so sexy. He is sexy. There were a few times that I just wanted to kiss him.

He's 34. I'm 24.

I know that that is an issue for him. I'm trying really hard to come across as myself. All my friends tell me that I need to stop being so mature and do stupid kid stuff once in awhile.
I wish that I could be 30 right now, graduated and with my phamD. I like mature guys that still can have a good time but are down to earth, they have a direction. 30+ seems to fit that rather well. The problem is they are usually looking for the same thing and just see me as a kid, possibly looking to piggy-back them and get a free handout now and then. Students aren't too popular with those who are now working. (But I work 35 hours a week).

I felt that the best thing I could do for him in that moment was study a little harder and make something out of myself as he did.

At six on the dot, he said it was time to leave. 2.5 hours was more than I had imagined.

Honestly I thought he'd never call.

He left with the statement "Thanks for meeting me for coffee. Have fun studying."

No mention of a next time, no see you later. But I had to smile anyway.

Three months ago, I assumed that I'd never meet him. He was an untouchable for me. Too good for the likes of me. But him getting my phone number and then calling, was more than I had ever fathomed.

He makes me want to surpass all expectations and be perfect.

Funny, I noticed that when I was with him, I was so comfortable, the words didn't stutter out, and my mouth wasn't dry when talking to him as it usually is when I'm with people I like a lot. When he left, that's when the nerves would kick in. I liked how I felt when I was with him.
But I don't expect much to last for long. I'm done fooling myself that what I want will come true.

When I think like that, I breathe.

I still have so much to learn about me and about life. If this works out then I'll be happy. If it doesn't work out, I'll still go on, wiser.

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Give it up do as I say, give it up and let me have my way.
Give yourself to me.

(poem by Pablo Neruda, last two lines by Madonna)

I'm not too vocal about the current situation, and am trying desperatly to keep a positive out look and to always keep hope, but I thought this was too funny.

Happy Friday

I think I'm going to fashion something similar to her tiara thing. And I need a cute dog. It's a wonderful day today. Everything is all good. It's Friday!

wa Wa, wa Wa-wa.

Hypersensitive would be an understatement. Or maybe more accurate would be extremely stressed (and trying really hard to just be cool and function as normal). Fuck, Fuck, Fuck. Fuck, Fuck, Fuckety Fuck.
My friends have all decided to cut each other’s throats. I have to pass a test on Monday if I want a shot at a semi decent grade in my biochemistry class. I need to let a “someone” know that I’m just not feeling it, and we need to just be friends. The one, in whom I’m interested, and I have skidded to a stand still. I want to push us on again, but he’s acting like he’s wanting to get out of it… or I just may be hypersensitive. Maybe what I should just do is let him tell the other what he might tell me and I can just avoid it all.
Maybe the only bright spot this weekend is that I get to babysit my niece and nephew. They are so sweet. And I’m really looking forward to just spending time with them.

I’m always an optimists (except when it comes to relationships. But right now the positive energy has gone off to fuck itself. I want to be upset and mad right now. I want to be depressed and indignant. I want to beat the living hell out of something. I want to drive my car really fast for a very long time. I want to cry and pout.
But doing any of those just isn’t me. I deal with my pain, anger, depression by either going jogging or calling my mom. I just don’t have time to be upset. Life is too short. So I guess after I write this and scare away what two or three readers I may attract on a bi monthly basis, I’ll feel better (if I haven’t bored them away as of yet). I tell ya, this blog has been rather boring, and I just am at a loss at what to do to spice it up. I know that it’s all about me, and what I want to write, but even I’m bored of it.
I wish I had clever things to say about life like the other bolgs that I read. I wish I had the time to search out beautiful boys and put them here. I love ohlalaparis.com. I leave that to them. And they put stuff on about Madonna every one in awhile. They were the first blog I ever visited.

Story:
I was bored at work and so I went surfing for Madonna pictures. A google image search. I saw one of Lourdes, Madonna and the Versace lady. And it took me to ohlalaparis. I’ve been a fan ever since. So I go through their blog mates and then eventually end up on tlc’s page. I really liked and identified with what he said. The phrase that won me over was “The memories of my childhood and adolescence are now so far removed from whom and where I am now, they have become more than just an arm length away. You see, I can’t reach back and hold on to them like I used to.” That explained how I was feeling at that particular time. So I’ve been a fan since. I think my ideal blog would be a hybrid of those two.

There I feel much better already.

y aconteció

I guess we can’t keep pretending nothing ever happened.
So the drapes must be fully pulled from the windows.
There’s no sense in holding up the pretenses if they’ve been breeched.

We thought we were in love and would run away together.
Slip away in the dark and become one.
You’d leave yours and I’d leave mine.

Leaving our lives and starting anew,
Didn’t seem like the right thing on the morrow.
So we went back to our lives content.

A once stained history we’ve shared since.
Rational said it was over, we’ve moved on, no need to revisit.
But someone went looking under the rug.

I’m not sorry for what we shared. I don’t regret,
But growth since then demands that consequences are resolved.
I won’t run, I know that I must ask forgiveness.

Freedom, hear me

I'm not a political person, but when I was driving away from the polls this morning, I felt a great feeling of accomplishment. My voice will be heard.

hehe

musing, again

How can I capture our story with just words?
The memories of yesterday press at my neurons.
What does a moment know of our future?
The sky has closed your eyes.


¿Como puedo capturar nuestra historia en tan solo palabras?
Las memorias de un ayer me apretan los neurones.
¿Que sabe de nuestro porvenir un momento?
El cielo ha cerrado tus ojos.

La Playa de Mi Vida

I don’t know if you remember me. We met a long time ago. We talked under the stars for awhile on a clear night. The breeze was cool from the ocean as we discovered small pieces of each other. Never had I found someone who shared my thoughts and ambitions as you did. That night we made a pact. We promised the passing of five summers and then the return to our spot on the beach under the stars. You left a mark on my soul. I wrote with you in the corner of my mind. I dreamed with your image bolstering me forward. I loved as I felt you would love. I refined my soul, I sharpened my life. I had so much to tell you.
I don’t know if you remember me, but we met a long time ago.


Funny how people have a way of retuning to our lives after we thought they were gone for good. I have always felt that everyone carries a portion of me that I need to learn from them. That is why I’m always looking to meet people. I see them as small universes that I can learn from. Some people hold small amounts, and our relationship is only meant to last a few minutes. While others posses enough to keep me around for years. I wonder why it is that some people fascinate me. What is it about their words that astound me? What is it in their mannerism that compels me? What is it about their face that makes me want to gaze forever? Why do some people capture my heart while others I pass by unaffected? What is it in the cosmos that brings certain people into my life?

In the Mormon religion we believe that we all existed before we were born, in spirit form. We had our same personalities and such characteristics, and our spirits may have resembled our physical bodies. We lived in the Pre-existence, or a place where we all were waiting for our chance to come to earth. There we had acquaintances and a circle of friends much similar to our social habits here on earth. Sometimes I wonder if the reason why I immediately feel as if I know someone after just a few words exchanged is because I may have known them before birth. Who did I know? Are any of my friends now those with whom I shared a pre-earth friendship? Will I return to that state of memory after I have completed this life, and know them again? I like to think so. I like to think that we’ll share stories of our earth lives. And maybe find a time when we met each other on earth. What if while in heaven before earth, we promised to do all we could to meet up on earth? I know that through my experiences I have met many wonderful people; who I will always carry in my heart. And then there are those that I met here on earth. That’s why I try and be as nice to people as possible. I don’t know who I’m going to meet up with after death and feel ashamed for treating them badly. Of course I keep all this in accordance with how in normal life we function. But a little kindness never hurt anyone.

aquel abrazo en el mar

I arrive late. The sun is just setting behind the trees and buildings. I look at my watch, it smiles back at me. I look at the street as I enter the building. I catch a glimpse of you, and slow motion inside. You walking down my street. Alone. I put water on to warm for tea. My thoughts race to the corner of my mind where I left you 19 months before. The plants need to be watered. I thought I had forgotten about you. I check the messages and sort through the mail.
I fall into the memories of you.
Do you remember the night it was 95 degrees and we went the café and ate muffins and drank hot chocolate? Do you still remember the night we watched all the movies of that trilogy?
Steam billows from the water. I shake the reflection from my moist eyes. Do I want peppermint or chamomile? I tuck the brainwork away again, back to the recesses of my consciousness. So much life has passed since you. I am a different person. But we had fun. It was good.

late night musings

I still haven't learned to live with out love. I haven't learned to live with out hope.

I seal my dreams in plastic bags and send them to the sea. On my palette I try not to mix the colors. Sometimes I forget to observe the months of April and June. At times I laugh with out cracking a smile. Look at me, and then look at you. Tell me what you see. Do we go together like A and B? Look into my eyes, tired from crying. They want to rest. Give me a hug, and a kiss on the cheek. Our hearts are strangers once again. Neither you nor I fit in this love together.

Really Bored at Work

If I were a stone, I would be: an emerald
If I were a tree, I would be: a pine tree
If I were a bird, I would be: a lark
If I were a machine, I would be: an electron microscope
If I were a tool, I would be: pliers
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: an apple tree
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: partly cloudy
If I were a mythical creature, I would be: a unicorn (do we not love The Last Unicorn)
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: a triangle
If I were an animal, I would be: a giraffe
If I were a color, I would be: blue
If I were an emotion, I would be: concern
If I were a vegetable, I would be: potato
If I were a sound, I would be: a soft sigh
If I were an Element, I would be: carbon 13
If I were a car, I would be: Dodge Durango
If I were a song, I would be: “Has to Be” by Madonna
If I were to trade places with another person, it would be: Guy Ritchie
If I were a movie, I would be: My Fair Lady
If I were a food, I would be: Stir Fry
If I were a place, I would be: Bristol, England
If I were a material, I would be: Canvas
If I were a taste, I would be: minty fresh
If I were a religion, I would be: LDS
If I were a word, I would be: search
If I were an object, I would be: scrub brush
If I were a body part I would be: a cheek bone
If I were a facial expression I would be: mildly amused
If I were a subject in school I would be: Art History
If I were a cartoon character I would be: Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes
If I were a shape I would be a: polygon
If I were a number I would be: 37
If I were a month I would be: October
If I were a day of the week I would be: Thursday
If I were a time of day I would be: 10:23pm
If I were a direction I would be: west
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: a writing desk
If I were a sin I would be: envy
If I were a historical figure I would be: Joan of Arc
If I were a liquid I would be: mercury

Reason Number 8,876

"Madonna has a reputation for being tricksy but this evening she is in her element, working the room and urging her American friends to vote for John Kerry (“If you vote for Bush you’re not becoming like God”)."

I truly love this woman.

Carbon Copy

I have come to the conclusion that while I think that A&F models are cute, and all the other carbon copies, I prefer my men with some flaws. The imperfections are what I notice and are what draw me to them (and no matter what, depsite many flaws, given enough time, he always becomes just perfect in my eyes). And also, my flaws aren't quite as obvious.

some favorite things

The feeling of being tucked in is one of my favorites. With low, heavy clouds outside, and a warm blanket over me, life doesn’t seem to get much better. Drifting in and out of reality with the company of a good book. Warm peppermint tea diffusing its scent. Some thunder now and then outside. A hug from my grandma. Remixes of my favorite songs. The kitchen freshly cleaned and a vacuumed carpet. Packing for a road trip. Cello solos. Temple Square at Christmas time. A pick-up basketball game. Anticipating a first kiss. Indian fry bread. Non-judgmental people. Going on vacation and leaving my watch behind. Putting my favorite song on repeat. Caterpillar rolls. Los que piensan hablar español. Just saying sorry without giving an excuse. Dreaming big.

“Los astros te favorecen para las relaciones y los viajes. Conocer sitios y personas se convertirá en algo muy estimulante.”
-Looks like even the stars know I need a vacation.

butterfly = mariposa

I took my power in my hand
And went against the world;
'Twas not so much as David had,
But I was twice as bold.

I aimed my pebble, but myself
Was all the one that fell.
Was it Goliath was too large,
Or only I too small?

-Emily Dickinson


little boy, don't run away so fast. you may have forgotten to kiss her goodbye. she might not be there next time you fall and scrape your knee. she has been there when you cried. she was there when you laughed.
little boy, try not to close your past too quickly. remember, it has made you who you are today. knowledge comes from experience, strength comes from experience.
Little Boy, remember the melody of your youth. Remember the warm wind through the trees. Remember the starry nights when he would talk to you for hours. Remember he did the best he knew how.
Little Boy, try not to grow up too fast. Every detail. Every impression. Every change. Every certainty. Every approximation. Every scene.

do you see me now?

All alone I find myself now. All alone I wake up. All alone I grocery shop. All alone I read. All alone I clean the house. All alone I fix dinner. All alone I do laundry. All alone I watch TV. All alone I watch the sun set. All alone I buy new shoes. All alone I take the car in for an oil change. All alone I listen to music. All alone I turn out the lights. I couldn't be happier.

get out

I was afraid of you leaving. I was afraid of you getting mad. I was afraid of you not speaking to me. I was afraid of the cutting remarks. I was afraid of the criticism. I was afraid of you ignoring me. I was afraid of you turning me out on my own. I was afraid of you taking all I had away from me. I was afraid of you. I was afraid to love you too much. Therein laid the problem.

Close to You

Hoy todavía me encuentra con la gripe. Ya me cansé de estar así. Siempre estoy limpiando mi nariz. Pienso que requiero como tres días de dormir, y tal vez podré funcionar como una persona normal. Pues entonces esperaré que venga la buena salud.

Como hablo español y algunas personas no hablan, escribo esto en español. Y espero que aquella persona no sepa leer ni consiga a alguien para traducir lo que escribo. Pues como yo empecé este párrafo parece que algo muy interesante o tal vez importante va a acontecer. Quizá un secreto voy a expulsar. No, nada así. Tal vez será aburrido a algunos. Pero estábamos hablando y él me dijo que tal vez yo podré visitar le a él o él vendrá por acá para visitar.
Los nervios me hicieran estremecer. ¿Por cual razón? Todavía pienso en él mucho. Quiero ser perfecto para él cuando venga. Mi cuerpo requiere mucho afán. Tendré que afanarme y no podré dormir tanto como antes.
Pero al mismo vez, ¿como puedo sentir sentimientos así por alguien que no conozco bien? Que ridículo.
Pero él ya esta abajo mi piel. No sé que hacer. Solamente tiempo me va a aliviar.

“On the day that you were born, the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true.”

Pues de esto, pienso que es una fascinación y nada más. Nada va a pasar con esto, pero al mismo tiempo, no sé lo que pueda pasar. Pero en este momento, pensaré que, en alguna manera, vamos a estar juntos. Que bonito pensar así.

Una fantasía:
Te veo. Me acerco a ti. Me estabas esperando en una mesa. Nos sentamos muy cerca, sin importarnos de los otos en el restaurante. No existen, sino tu y yo. En voces suaves, hablamos del día. De los acontecimientos de nuestras vidas. Hablamos como el mundo realmente esta a nuestros pies, reímos, sonreímos. Toco tu mano, siento tu piel en mi piel. Me pareces muy bello. Puedo oler tu olor, tan suave y hermoso. Besas mis oídos suavemente. Solo pienso en ti. En este momento eres de mi, y yo soy de ti.

Peppermint, Chamomile, or a Rose?

Solitude can be a beautiful thing. Some of the best fruitions come from solitary meditation. Just remember that solitude may not seem so attractive in 3 months or 3 years. Possibly it is easier; especially after the soul has finally recovered from a razor cut so deep that years were needed to heal. Only a fool would return to a source of pain.
Are you waiting for someone to wake up the long dormant feeling of complete and utter devotion? Do you paint your face when you leave with someone, hiding behind a guise? Am I it or could you get more? Eyes always diverting, looking for someone better, not content to work at a relationship or develop what love could be. When will I be content? When will you love again?

Hello. Are you the one who will take my place? You don’t cry. You don’t laugh. You don’t feel. You are the lie living for me so I can hide. Too bitter. Too cold. Too real. Don’t say I’m out of touch, I’ve already built my own escape. I never would have picked you for what you have become.

If you have to leave, I wish you would just leave. But tell me before you leave, tell me before you’re gone, how do you expect me to live up to all you’ve left behind?

uninspired but content

Last night I saw La Oreja de Van Gogh. It was amazing. It was a one time treat to see them out of their homeland Spain. One of those instances that is best remembered in the mind's eye. Too many words needed to convey how great that experience was for me.

When I accepted the terms to being gay, I don't remember signing anything that said I would be best friends with someone based soley on the fact that we are gay. Some people at work need to back off.

I am finally getting over this cold/sinus junk. Yea!

I'm thinking that I would like to get out of AZ for a short time. Like a weekend trip. Let's explore this...
#1) San Diego is my first choice, but I'll be going there in December. I don't want to wear thin the welcome (Course I couldn't ever do that, they would love to have me every weekend if possible, at least I like to think so... ;)
#2) Los Angeles would be a nice place to visit, but I don't know anyone there to visit. Well, I do, but he now has a bf and even though we have only ever been friends, he made it rather clear that he now has a bf. Some might relate and know that that means adios a la amistad. Whatever is my reply to him. I take that as a sign of insecurity...
#3) Las Vegas is also viable, but I don't know anyone there and Madonna won't be there to make it bearable. I'm not a fan of Vegas. But yes, I am going to give it two more tries before I dust my feet of it forever.
#4) Albuquerque, there is no need to write any further. I have been there before for a basket ball camp in high school. No need to return.
#5) Salt Lake City would be a place I would love to go visit. But I would want to go because I hear the scene up there is great.. but the major drawback is that I have family up there, and they would want me to visit. No, I could make it work, but that is a definite flight, and the funds are running low these days...
So in the end I will just content myself and stay here in the valley of the sun, and maybe go to Scottsdale to get away... hmmm I hear there are some incredible spas downhere, maybe I should treat myself to a pedicure... I'm sure they finance... hehe.

The last hour of work is always the longest. My eyes want to close and I want to drift away. And why are the coworkers staying late?

Supercoiling of DNA has me baffled. And then when I went to the library to try and study, a super hot guy was talking to these girls about advanced biochem stuff and all I could do was think about a way to get him to tutor me, and then fall in love with me, and then... (wink).

Tengo mucho que hacer cuando regreso a mi casa. Pienso que voy a comer algo muy rapido y despues irme al gimnasio por un ratito, y entonces regresare a mi casa para estudiar y limpiar un poco. Me parece muy bien.

I Am A (gay) Child Of God

Last night I couldn't sleep. Every time I would close my eyes, I felt as if time was nothing but grains of sand slipping through my fingers at a rapid pace. And my open eyes would cease the velocity of the grains. What clichéd imagery. But it didn't calm my panicked mind. Did I do all that I could? Did I set a few wrongs right? Did I offend someone that I need to apologize to? When was the last time I told my mother I loved her? When was the last time I felt love for someone?

Sometimes I feel like this notion of being gay is just a game. And sooner or later I'm going to wake up and live the "normal" life I, as a child, thought I would. Am I really happy living this way? What is happiness? How will I know I'm happy if I never know I'm unhappy? What is real joy?

I have the Mormon answer. I don't ever wish to not have grown up Mormon. Contrary to what others may believe or think, I feel as if that gave me an edge that others may not have, or not know how to utilize. I think it's there, I think it's there in everyone. A divinity. A portion of heaven that everyone carries in their soul. And everyone has access to it. It's just a question of faith.
I remember being a missionary. I knew then. Why? One might ask, if I knew it was right then, is it still not right now? Is it still true? I think so. I like to believe so now.

I don't believe in a hell. I believe that God loves us too much. I don't believe that all the non-Christians are going to hell. How can they be held responsible for something they never knew they needed to know? I believe God's plan of salvation is much more infinite than any person here on earth can comprehend.

Where does homosexuality fit into all of this? I don't know. I don't have an answer for that nor do I readily accept any of the answers out there. I want to find one that I feel I can live with for the rest of eternity. And I am still searching.

At My Most Beautiful

Despite the fact that my sinus issues developed into a full blown cold, my spirits remain high. I went to class this morning but while sitting in lecture I got somewhat dizzy. That was when I decided to give up the superhero act and just be sick for the day. I called mom to get the recipie for the concoction of grapefruit for when one is sick, and then proceeded to watch Buffy season 3. I'm not a huge Buffy fan, so after 1.5 episodes, I had to turn it off. And I'm really not one to watch TV or movies for that matter. I feel there is something better to do with my time, and for now that is sleep. I slept 11 hours last night, so I'm waiting for the Nyquil to kick in to take a nap now. I'm just not tired. So in the meantime, I'm going to let off random thoughts that have been going through my mind for some time now:
1) I think I like c. I'm not a phone talker but we can carry on for quite some time. We always have fun together. And he's sweet. But I haven't given up on my uncanny ability to talk myself out of any possible relationship.
2) I am not a morning person. I have tried and tried to be so, but it is all futile efforts.
3) How do the molecules in our bodies know to do what they do?
4) okay, nyquil kicked in.

Note: The grapefruit concoction tastes just as bad as I remember.

Bruta, Ciega, Sordomuda

In celebration that all my midterms were officially over, I decided to take the 1/2 hour that I usually study in to stalk an Adonis. But my scheme was thwarted as he evaded me within the first 30 seconds (there is also the fact he had a 50yd head start, and it was in between classes so lots of traffic on the sidewalk (who lets those damn vehicles on the sidewalks on campus anyway? Especially between classes!)) So I decided to instead perpetuate this blog of mine.
My sinuses are acting up. I hate it when that happens.
I have a date tonight. I hope all goes well.
I want the weekend to come now. I mean now!
How much of the world do we really see around us? I have been in this particular study room several times now, and have just cogitated the dimensions of the room. It is much larger than I assumed previously.
The girl next to me keeps discretely shooting disapproving looks at me. I can't help it if my keyboard rivals that of some percussion instruments. Okay she finally vacated... and went to the other end of the room.

Art

I just noticed today that the toothbrush I bought yesterday is pink. I'm not a huge pink fan, but I guess a toothbrush is a toothbrush is a toothbrush.
I also was messing around with my scanner for the first time. I'm not sure but I think part of the agreement of this site was to never place questionable images on line. So this is as brave as I'm going to get. And really there are plenty of other sites if one really needs to see more. But this is art. And I think I like Madonna. A lot.

It's Time

My whole life I have had this image of perfection that I needed to attain. And when I would constantly fall below that, I would try again. But after "failing" or not being perfect in something, I would just give up. I would rather go into something unprepared or half-assed rather than try again and fail. It was easier mentally to just give up and fail rather than try and fail. Mind you anything below perfection was failure. I think I'm over that now. I just want to do what I can do, and start being happy with it. A good week doesn't entail running and lifting daily, studying 2 hours daily, and the weekends 8 hours. It doesn't mean that I have money to go buy a new shirt.
I think a good week should mean that I did what I could. I wasn't lazy and wasn't a super hero, but was realistic in my goals and my life. I'm not going to have the 6-pack and pecs that I dream about in three weeks. I'm not going to understand everything about a class by just sitting through the lecture and thinking I should study more.
This transition will take time because I essentially have to give up an old form of thinking and adopt a new form. That will be tough because how easy will it be to slip back into old habits. But I know that I am capable of so much more. I just need to free myself from this incarceration I have built for myself, get over trying to be perfect, and just live life. I may look like a failure in the eyes of everyone else, including my mother, but that is something with time I won't worry about anymore. I think I'm ready. It's time.

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, WOW-- What a Ride"

Candy Perfume Boy

Sinking back into the realm of obscurity, I feel a certain freedom that previously was under restricted and carefully watched circumstances. Defeating the whole point of freedom.

I don't understand why you had come to me in the first place. But I see you're still the candy perfume boy I left behind. You still walk into every room like you're walking on to a yacht. Clouds in my Coffee. It was nice to see you, I still have your sweater. But don't come over to get it. I left you behind. I'm better without you. So take your sweater and leave. Why are you still here? I asked you to go. The end.

Is it possible to find someone new so soon after an end? And I wasn't even wanting anything. I don't want anything. I want to be alone. I want to be myself for a spell. I simply won't have any of this. Wait, don't go, hold on just a sec.

I never knew you were so interesting. I don't usually let anyone talk as long as you have. I think after talking to you, you just got better looking. And so my shallow side can be appeased. I know I shouldn't be one to worry about looks. But the words you used, the phrases you composed. I wanted to kiss those lips. But I resisted. I don't understand why I would feel this way. Ya estoy tan confundido.

Things could get really messy, fast. But I don't think I mind. And you seem to be game. Why not? Should I talk myself out of a possibility of happiness? But I don't want to think. I want to drive really fast, I want to go too far, I want to crash into you.

Arms stretched out wide, dancing under the street lights, drunk on wine. It feels so good to laugh and hold you, I knew that it would. Not letting a moment go by, without getting caught up in things I cannot see, the heat of passion. Hold me, I hold you. Stay with me a moment longer. I'll stay with you a moment longer.

I think I... like you... a lot... It's all too soon to be feeling this way. But I forget to reason as I fade into you.

I Need Missiles

No, I'm not a terrorist. All I would like to do is rid the streets of Phoenix of wretched drivers. (And is it just me, or do these days almost reminisce to the days of the Red Scare and the Salem Witch Trials?) The missiles would be attached to my car and I would deploy them much as a pilot does, but they would be strong enough only to cause minor damage to the car so that it would have to pull to the side of the road, and get out of the flow of traffic. So that those of us who do understand the game of driving can continue to compete for the best spot on the road.

The weather is incredible here in the Valley of the Sun. Now is the time to visit. To finally drive with your windows down and leave the windows in your house open. When you can comfortably wear shorts or pants during the day, and same for flip-flops vs shoes. And at night it is brisk enough that pants are desired more than shorts, but shorts can be done. Ah, I love this time of year.

I don't know where to begin. In my 20-odd years. I have been silent most of the time. I have been observing, and still I feel like I don't know much. I thought going to school would teach me, it did. But only in certain areas. I walk sometimes confused, sometimes ready to crack open wide, sometimes indignant, sometimes confidant. I'm always searching for more. I'm struggling to learn to enjoy what I have and not always be on the lookout for what is better. Sometimes I understand why some people want to relocate to a cabin in the mountains. I could deal with an apartment in Madrid.

That voice in the back of my head

All day I have been resisting the urge to break down and express myself in the middle of class or at work. How fun would that be!?! Of course I would then get attention and everybody would look at me. I couldn't deal with that. I like to be the center of attenetion in small groups, no greater than four. Anything larger and I freak.

And one more thing, that back stabbing son of a bitch.

bad girl, drunk by six, kissing some kind strangers lips

That age old lesson of time management is something that I seem to need to learn over and over. My test in biochemistry went so-so. I have a test in cell biology on Thursday. Will I study? I have to.
My roommate and I got into a discussion about religion and homosexuality. I don't think that one is born gay. I think that there are certain biological and psychological factors that affect an individual, but I don't think one is born that way.
He says that it is nature's way of population control. That seemed to make sense to me, or I liked that theory. I don't know that I readily accept it, considering that I believe the human race to a certain degree can charter it's own course, and isn't subject to certain observations prevalent in other species' growth curves. But then who am I?
I have resolved to realize certain goals that I have set for myself in order to become better. I think that they are a way I can attain happiness. Sometimes I wonder if anyone is truly happy. I'm sure they're out there, and I want to be one of them. Or at least content with my life and situation. I'm finally beginning to feel the strain of the years of school. I should be graduated by now, but I was seduced by knowledge and took too many classes that seemed interesting rather than head toward my goal of graduation. In light of this, I'm thinking of applying to a pharmacy school and attending regardless that I haven't finished my undergrad.
Life is still a mystery.

Nothing Left to Lose

“I’m busy” he said.
“I know” I replied. I chanced a brief look into his eyes but retreated at his chin. We walked further down the sidewalk, towards his car.
He slowed pace and soon we came to a stop. “It’s just that…” He trailed off.
“Now would be an appropriate time for that song ‘Don’t Speak.’” He looked at me, I mustered a half smile. “So you know where I’m going then.”
“I may be perceived to be naïve, but I usually know what’s going on.” He looked at the ground. “But we still need to hang out once in awhile.”
“Of course” I replied incredulously.
A brief hug ensued. “Take care” I said.

The spell had been broken. I guess you could say I was set free. I had to learn a lesson from him, and I think I did. Pain is a warning that something is wrong. I couldn’t live in that limbo. There was nothing more to lose, no more heart to bruise. Sometimes goodbye is best. But it doesn’t make it any easier.

Touchy Subject

So I have some really good friends that are HIV+. I try and be supportive in the best way I know how, and honestly don’t really think about it much. I don’t believe that is something that should hinder a relationship of any sort. Sometimes I get really frustrated that some seem to allow the disease to take over their life and essentially give up. To one I got so upset I commented that it seems he was already dead. I know this wasn’t the best thing to say, and I don’t have it so I don’t know what it is to go through it, so I try and keep quiet and be a good friend.
But last night a guy I have been seeing for a short time told me that he was +. It was one of those things I never really thought would happen to me. He told me he understood if I wanted him to leave and never see him again. But that was out of the question. We’re not serious by any means, but we could be. That is how well we’ve been getting along. I am dating others too; I’m not at a point of committing to anyone. But despite how open minded I try and remain, what he told me will bear a strong weight in my mind. Am I evil or bad for thinking like that? This is new to me. I need some time to deliberate.

Innocent

En Guatemala

Innocence Lost

16 de Octubre. En Phoenix.

Me Encantan

I just found out that La Oreja de Van Gogh will be in Phoenix on Oct 24th. They are my favorite band of all time, and I always thought I would have to go to Spain to see them. I first learned of them while living in Guatemala. And it's been a wonderful love affair ever since.

Good Stuff

I have had this album for quite some time now and finally realize that it has an untitled track at the end, and that quickly has become my favorite song, followed by Gwen's new song.

cierro la puerta

Weathered good looks. Lines that show the passing of time, the blows and kisses of life. But a smile undefeated. Eyes casting a depth to the beholder. A soul lurks internally. A soul full of light.
Entrancing my thoughts, impressing the fibers of my being. I feel I've know since the beginning of time but still learing something new.

Mi alma grita por tu ausencia. Donde estas? Por donde andas? No te puedo olvidar. Has dejado un rasgo en mi corazon. Quiero estar contigo siempre jamas. Dejare me vida para ti. Pero sabia que te perderia, desde el principio. Desde que te bese por la primera vez, sabia que te irias.

Ya sigo con pesadumbre dentro mi alma. Le digo todo a la luna, pero solo me mira. Me iluma la cara, ensenando el dolor a la noche. Por donde te has fugado amor? Pues nunca te tuve, ni por un momento. Cuidate amor.

"I'm so Fucking Bored of Cowards"

“Te di mi corazón y tú lo regalaste,te di todo el amor que pude darte y me robaste.He rasgado mi vestido con una copa de vino,hoy tu amor corta como el cristal.”
Buena suerte en tu camino yo ya tengo mi destino,con mi sangre escribo este final.”

“I tried to be a boy, I tried to be a girl, I tried to be the best, I tried to be a mess, I guess I did it wrong… I tried to stay ahead, I tried to stay on top, I tried to play the part, but somehow I forgot, just what I did it for and why I wanted more… this type of modern life is not for me, this type of modern life is not for free.”

“I don’t trust you, cuz every time you’re here your intentions are unclear, I spend every hour waiting for a phone call that I know will never come, I used to think you were the one, now I’m sick of thinking anything at all.”

“I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend. I hope I hold a special place with them, and you know it makes me sick to be on that list, but I should have thought of that before we kissed.”

“All my life I’ve been waiting for you to bring a fairytale my way… But I wonder if you know how it really feels to be left outside alone, well it’s cold out here. Well maybe you should know, just how it feels to be left out side alone.”

“I wanna say thank you, cuz it makes me that much stronger, makes me work a little bit harder, makes me that much wiser, so thanks for making me a fighter. Made me run a little bit faster, makes my skin a little bit thicker, makes me that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter.”

“I’m not your bitch, don’t hang your shit on me.”

“All by myself, I don’t need anyone at all, I know I’ll survive, I know I’ll stay alive. All on my own, I don’t need anyone this time, it will be mine, no one can take it from me, you’ll see.”

Maundering Reflection

My world began to tremble as the present neared the end.
I why did I feel like I had to win?
And what does that give me now?
I'm tired of inventing excuses that only lead to dead ends.

I would that only the good moments we shared survived.
Today I want to believe that you remember the winter evenings in the mountains.
The late nights we talked and never slept.
That time I found you sitting by my front door, counting on me that I would show up.

There was never really any ill will, just ingenuity.
We would muse over juice that the world was at our feet.
Sometimes before I drift to sleep I think of a world full of color where we live together.

I could never esteem you as less.
You stretched out your hand to me, but could only hold it there for so long.
Sometimes I just want to see you and see you, if just to see you.

You always believed you could count on me.

Dear Madonna,

You are so sexy. If I had the energy and the druthers, I'd totally go as you for Halloween. That was actually the idea about six months ago. But alas, my gym attendance left much to be desired (I was going to go as you Hitch-hiking on the streets of Miami) so I canceled the plans. I'm going to try again next year.
Are you watching the debates? They were at ASU last night. I was going to go to the post-debate party thing, but decided studying for philosophy would be a better use of my time. The test went okay. I'm just happy that we will move from Plato and on to Aristotle. Beleive me, I'm bursting with joy. But that class is full of cute boys. There is one that sits in front of me that I would like to reach out and take hold of, but then his girlfriend might get upset. She looks like and insecure bitch. But who am I to pass judgement. I'm sure she's a sweet girl, once you get under all the make-up. Maybe I'm the bitch.
Right now I'm listening to "The Promise" by When in Rome. It totally reminds me of dancing with this really hot guy, that I was totally into. We kissed on the dance floor. Not made out. Making out in bars is tacky. But kissed. It's fun kissing someone for the first time that you like. Definetly one of my favorite things to do. We met through mutual friends. But We've both been so busy that when one calls the other, there is an excuse why not to go. I don't think we'll keep in touch any more. But who can see the future.
I'm just traveling down this road, watching the signs as I go, I think I'll follow my heart, that's a good place to start. -ryan

Remember That One Time...

when you were jamming out to your favorite song in your car, totally singing and car dancing, and then realized that four other drivers were staring at you? Yeah, I feel like that. I had just gotten a blog and was playing around with it and determined to keep it quiet for awhile, and then one day I decided to play with the hyperlink and said things that probably shouldn't have been done by a novice (because this novice was under the assumption that his blog would never get traffic and remain virtually unheard of). And then there was a disconcerting moment when I popped into one of my fav bolgs to read and was horrified to see that the title of an entry was much too familiar to something I had written earlier. Even though he was super cool about it, I still felt this need to delete the blog, crawl into a small hole in the earth and wait for the world to turn a few times.
And then there was a particularly awful line I had in my blog about him, which I retracted immediately because it needed more formualtion to convey what I wanted it to (and yes, I love a good whale penis as much as the next guy).
I'm sure I'll look back on this incident and laugh and laugh. But really the last thing I wanted to do was have my blog associated with a negative connotation. Well, regardless of what more I may write I still feel like that hole in the ground is a pretty good option.
(How did this get to them? I only sent the URL to one person and I didn't know him, and he lives in DC. And honestly thought he'd only visit the site once, and then I would go back into non-existence.) Lesson learned.

A potpourri of thoughts...

I would love to have about a week where I could just do what I wanted to do and drink all the soda that I wanted and eat all the fattening foods that I wanted. Like a vacation from the daily fruits, vegtables and breads that I eat. That would be nice.
I've decided to experiment with the hyperlink, and say that my crush falls on This Person. Also the one who I read daily like it's a soap opera (becasue it's like I have to pop in to see what's going on, daily) is Him. He seems to me to be somewhat like myself. <<(se fue)>> And I think that I'm wishing that I too had a someone. (I now realize that before I go exposing this site to either one of them, I need to delete the hyperlinks. I simply wouldn't want them knowing.)
My friend from New York called last night. I only have one from NY. He said that he might come to Phoenix to visit me. I would love that. I haven't seen him since Madonna in Las Vegas.
I've decided that my cousin is one of the most brilliant people in the world. She seems to always be a few steps ahead of anybody else. When I grow up I want to be exactly like her, then grandma might call me once in awhile.

This is my inspiration for summer 2005. I need to look like this next time I grace the public beaches of southern California (and hopefully will avoid all the screams of horor that usually accompany a beach visit (I don't go to the beach, something to do with hydrophobia)

En Silencio, Y Sin Cruzar una Palabra

I think that I might have a crush on a blogger in LA. I don't know him except through his blog. But Sometimes I wonder if I were to see him in real life. I think I would have fun entertaining the idea of talking to him, but in actuality, I'm chicken-shit when it comes to stuff like that.
On a different note, I'm finally begining to like ancient philosophy. Maybe Plato, Hesiod, Thales, and Protagarus knew a little something, at least how to branch out from the expected ways of thinking.

There is a Learning Curve...

Slowly, very slowly I am getting a hang of this page. I was somewhat unsure if I wanted other people to know about this site. At this point the thought of my words, ideas and musings being out there for someone to stumble upon is good enough for me. I still feel like an infant. With time I'll understand more and start fixing it up the way I want. Kind of exciting. Yea!

No Quiero Ver un Cielo Grís

It was just he and I. I logged off my computer and tried to talk and walk to my car at the same time. I had to put much effort into not rambling and saying incoherent mumbles. I came very close and his confused "What?" brought me back to my senses, and I took a deep breath.

What were we talking about? "Uh, yeah, I can't wait to have a house to plant a yard..." (Didn't really make sense but he didn't seem to question). "What? You have a case that you need to prepare for?" (I'm not going to take up your whole week, I just want to see you for 15 mins). "I've heard Palm Springs is a nice town to go for vacation." (Are you taking me on a vacation?) "Oh, your TV show is on? Okay, have a good night, call me when you get a chance."

The door slammed shut and I stood out side alone. The weather was incredible so I guess I didn't mind being outside. But he was gone. I truned my head a bit and noticed the yard. It was nice.

What was up between us? The downward spiral of our relationship had taken on the guise of a butterfly. And neither one of us had a net nor wanted to go find one. As long as it fluttered around and didn't land on anything we were fine.

My own voice, my gestures, my kisses, nothing seems to make sense anymore.

You can imagine how I would have been, if you had waited with your love for just a second longer.