Jelly Bracelets?

So apparently there are bracelets that kids wear now days that mean sexual favors in various degrees. If I were to wear a black one, and you broke it off my wrist then that would mean you were willing to give me sex. Yellow = BJ. Wow, kids these days...

Where do they sell those bracelets?

Push the Button, Don't Push the Button, Trip the Station, Change the Channel

Just the other day I was remembering how I would feel inferior at bars, or the watering holes of some of the Phoenix fags. I would walk into a bar and thought that everybody was thinking that I was a wretched mess that wandered off the street. Now I have to laugh, I've learned that everyone is too caught up on themselves and other things they can't see clearly to even bother with thinking about me. And also quite frankly, I just don't care so much these days.

I'm over the flashing lights and painted faces. I'm over the chiseled abs and the prada shoes.

I guess you could say I have found other things in life that mean so much more to me than the acceptance of perfect strangers. Things that make me happy.

And I don't try and make everyone happy anymore. I'm happier that way. I'm still in the process of hanging my social cooridnator hat up, but I don't wear it so much anymore at all. I'm done calling everyone to invite out. I have plans and I'm content to just carry it out with the people with whom I make the initial plans. I just don't feel like I need to invite everyone I know to come. I've noticed that the people that I seemed to always invite along I don't hear from so much anymore. I guess they waited for me to plan. I'm not upset or spiteful. They would be more than welcome to come along, I'm just over the guest list thing.

This whole thought process has spawned from birthday celebration thoughts. I don't know what I'm going to do. But I've never been one to sit around and wait for someone to plan it for me. Mom did that when I was seven. I'm turning 25. I can plan my own celebration, and just because someone didn't plan it for me or do a surprise something or other means nothing to me. I'm sure I'll come up with something and let people know about it.

And the more I think about it, the more I am content to not do a huge thing, but small. Just go out with a couple friends to a bar and enjoy the night in good company. I think dinner at My Florist sounds nice. But that will be small. I just don't want to deal with the huge crowd. Maybe lunch on Sunday, but I want the piano player there... hmmmm

I guess I had always thought I would ring in the 25th year with a bang. But I find I'm content to just enjoy a simpler atmosphere, yet deeper in meaning. Quality over quantity. Maybe that's a sign of me growing up.

Who's that (boy)? Definitely a Beautiful Stranger

to (see) you is to love you...

Haven't we met?

You could be good for me, I have a taste for danger...

Why I love to Appreciate Male Beauty... And I Love to Touch Pretty Things...

..

.if I'm smart then I'll run away, but I'm not so I guess I'll stay.

.Da-da-da-dum da-dum da-dum da da da-da dum.

.I've paid for you with tears, and swallowed all my pride.

.You're the devil in disguise.

..

..

Why I Want to be on the French Rugby Team...

..

..

Another Reason to envy Alanis Morisette...

The first time ever I really wanted to be a pair of pajama bottoms.

On his knees.

"That" cover. I'm sure we all bought the issue. I did.

soooo....

My car has to spend the night. I tried to watch a movie, but I my mind loses interest rather quickly. I invited C over for pizza and a movie. I thought about inviting C2 but vetoed. I still need time. So I will busy myself.....

This is a picture of my grandma, uncle and mother, straight from the 1960s.

Sick Day

Only I'm not sick. My car is. It's in the shop now getting all better. In the meantime I'm thinking of all this stuff I can do... Like go lay out by the pool, wait can't do that. I need to be ready to get picked up and head to work at any time. They might call at any moment. And I can't go anywhere.
So I'm contenting myself with cleaning the house. It did need it. So in that sense it's good.
I have realized that with time I am feeling better about the boy thing. He called to just give me his new cell number. I think my mind was over-reacting and blowing things out of proportion. Time is definitely what I needed. I need more. But I don't feel so panicked. Que juego de amor.
Siento que tal vez puedo estar feliz un poco con este. Pero al mismo vez no voy a pensar en nada asi. Somos amigos y voy a pensar en el asi. Si algo desarrolla, entonces que bueno!

Under Where?

I haven't done laundry in a very long time. I blame finals. And the normal chones are fresh out. So I'm forced to move on to a small pile exotic novelties that I hardly use and I still wonder why I have them. I suppose for times like these.
The draw string low-rise briefs are really trying my patience. They ride up. They slide down. They are a bitch to try and use the restroom with. No fly, no elastic. I thought that I would just untie, do my business and then tie up. It went so much smoother in my mind. I didn't take into account that I would have a belt getting in the way, the jeans' fly isn't big enough to work in that alone, so it's essentially a full out all involved process to pee. By the time I'm done, the other urinals have been used three times and I feel like I had to re-dress myself.
But on the second trip to the bathroom I decided to just pretend there is elastic. It worked fine, or as well as it could with out actually having elastic.

And now I think, what possessed me to purchase those over a pair of normal underwear?

I figured it out.

I now know why I'm dragging my feet. The magic isn't there. I do feel an attraction, but birds don't chirp when he's around and bells don't ring. I don't feel that for anyone right now. At all.

But now this is where I falter in my judgement. Do I wait around and see if things change? Will I be leading him on if I do that? He knows that I'm not ready to settle down. I just don't want to be in constant contact with him right now. I need a few days off.

I need a few days off, again, from all people. And I think that the trip to Prescott may be just what I need. I think that I will definitely go. And if my mother wants me to go to the full three hours of church I'll do it. I'll just bring my ipod. ;-) C, you can come and go as you please.
The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of isolation from my life here in Phoenix. Just a few days off... nice.

But I want a resolution. I need a resolution.

Right now I'm tired and my brain hurts from this. So I'm going to just let things happen. If I don't feel it, I don't feel it. If I do, then I do.

It is what it is. Come what may.

Rapture

my velvet porcelain boy devour me as I devour you. the sea moves me where you want. fill my eyes with delicious fire. brush me close to dream the center I find in you. sweet whispers whet my soul blue and soft. needs to sting my fever drift in gentle hurricane lines. moist passion flys me at your feet. candy sweat dries on my hunger. crush my green fixation in the swirls tainted by raw shiver. nerves sprung scraping in blind lusciousness. a sacred poison is wild honey.

Take a Bow

I'm happy. I ran out of my last final throwing papers in the air, screaming that it was all finally over! (okay, not really). And I get to spend my first free night in the embrace of happy eyes, perfume smiles, and inebriated banter. Good times.

My Team

Sometimes I think having a naked mole rat sidekick that could understand English and speak some too is just what I need. And throw in that he knows karate and is just damn cute. How cool would that be?

Focus

Small Talk With Myself

Up is a place I no longer allow my hopes to be.

I've been on this rollercoaster long enough to know that the highs make the lows worth it all.
But I don't want to feel anything right now. I'm happy just being on the plateau in the middle.

I've felt rather invisible for weeks now. I'm realizing that I don't mind it. I am very safe to assume that all interests and gazes fall past me. "Maybe it's time for me to pack it in, maybe it's time for me to track it in." I was accepting of it all.

And then someone had to come along that I was sure would be like the others (after a few sentences from my mouth I would lose color, then outline, then my voice would be a static in the background). But I'm confused. This person still seems to be around. It's only been two days. But that's one day, 23 hours, and 45 minutes longer than most people look in my direction, let alone pay attention.

I'm not trying to be pitiful. I don't want that. I understand fully that this is just how things are. I am simply not a lot of people's cup of tea. That's life!

So content was I to just concentrait on my school work and spend time with friends. I don't need an interest. I still smile to myself thinking that he could feel anything, for me. C says he does. But C, I still can't help but think this is just another one who sees through me to get to you. Or he's only been in town for a few days. Friends are what he needs here. I'm his friend. I play the part of the friend so well. I don't want to take on any new roles now. I just want school to end and pass all my classes. I want to visit my family next weekend. I want to go to summer school and go to the gym. I want to work overtime. I like my invisible existence.

But I'm not worried. "I don't expect my love affairs to last for long. Never fool myself that my dreams will come true." So this too shall pass.

But between me and the internet, I think about him from time to time. I wonder what he's doing. I like to think that I'm in a queue for a few thoughts if his. I tell myself he's not my style. But every now and then I catch him out of the corner of my eye and think what an attractive man he is. My heart feels warm when I think about him now and again. Despite my judgement, I have wanted to kiss him twice. But I don't. I don't want him thinking I might could like him. I don't want to deal with that right now. Imogen, Andy and I have kept company well enough lately. I hope he calls me.

I've never hesitated before. He's univited.

Another Day, I think I'll die then...

Wow. Looking back with the perspective that only hindsight can give, I see that I was in a pit of tense agitation. I knew I was stressed, but didn't realize just how much until today, now that I am feeling relaxed and more myself again.

And I like it. I like to feel like me. I'm happy again. Like a soft shower of rain washed away my sorrow, took away my pain.

I also see how the friends reacted. They knew something was up. And I thank them for that. Love is understanding. They love me for me.

I feel like I have so much more to say, but the words aren't forming.

Your heart is not open, so I must go

Freedom comes when you learn to let go.
Creation comes when you learn to say no.

You were my lesson I had to learn.
I was your fortress you had to burn.

Pain is a warning that something's wrong.
I pray to God that it won't be long.

There's nothing left to lose,
There's no more heart to bruise.

Your heart is not open, so I must go.
The spell has been broken.
I loved you so.

Sometimes my Spirit just breaks

Just fade away.
Let me be a memory on a page inside a spiral notebook,
taken for granted.

Right now I'm tired of being positive and up-beat.
Lonliness has never been a stranger. I am cursed to be long, lost friends. I give up. I really do. I just accept the fact. The fact that is the elephant in the room I have been stairing at but never mention.

I honestly think that when people talk to me, they lose interest, in me.

Just Forget it. I have forgotten it. Just like it never knew me.

Love has never tried to welcome me.

How do I do normal?
I carry cue cards and super glue.
I'm a wreck with words
I don't carry glass eggs or crystal hearts.

I sit in my lawn chair,
but the sun never sets.
I am just holding breath.
Can't you tell I'm not myself?

I try to hear out but I'm not ready yet.
I'm a slow-motion existence.
Just hear me out.
Is that your final answer?


...................................................................................
Say goodnight and go.
Beats skipped, and blurry daydreams.
I carry the cafe in my bag.
Why are you so damn cute?

TV broadcasts series of moments.
We'll have drinks talk of things,
any excuse to stay awake with you.
Sort quick your beautiful eyes again.

You're so spot on.
You breathe the thoughts I think.
Beach balls sprouting on the street.
This can't be happening.

I ride a wave from all the waiting.
My circus marches circles advancingly.
Lucky to know you right now.
I can't help but reach for your arms.

my recent purchases

On Saturday I bought some full blown 100% boxer shorts. It has been years since I have worn anything thing like them. I am not used to all the freedom and well, stimulation. And I am now remembering that they don't hide anything either. So now my trips to the bathroom and water fountain are full of fun-filled surprises... for me and everybody I pass...

I also just purchased Frou Frou's CD called Details. And I think I love it.

Homesick

For the first time since August 8, 2001, I am really missing Guatemala. After all, I did spend two years of my life there. And once you love something, do you ever really let it go? Or does it really ever let you go? I think my return trip may be sooner than I thought.

Sadly, this quote reminded me of Phoenix

"Well, it looks all right, but I don't like going into a club and seeing, just people...facades and fakes. Trying to be this and they all look the same, and they've all got fantastic bodies, and it's very boring. And you know, the bookshops are like completely empty, there's nobody walking around, they're all in the pubs getting kind of, doing their surfacing and checking each other out. I don't really like it."

-Imogen Heap


I find that I would much rather have a conversation than pick apart an appearance. I've never been very good at standing and posing. I've tried it. I don't think it's for me. I used to feel intimidated by all the pretty people, and wanted desperatly to be one of them. Then ever so slowly I have begun to realize that I love flesh and bone so much more than plastic.

The beginnings of a thought

I am learning. People change. I change. I have been thinking about relationships. I have been thinking about the people involved in them. We all are constantly becoming someone new. We are evolving. How can we expect a relationship to remain the same when the people involved are changing?
I have thought that we need to enjoy our relationships in the moments we are given. And when we see that a friend is moving on, or changing, that we need to evolve our relationship with them to accomodate the new feelings.
And I like this thought. People aren't static. Sometimes they aren't permanent in our lives either. They come into our lives to teach us what we need to learn from them, and they move on, or we do.
People and relationships changing should be encouraged. I like to think that I am someone different from just a few months ago. The change may not be huge, or even noticeable by anyone but me.
When one is changing and another isn't ready to move on in the relationship, then maybe that's how people come and go in our lives.
And of course, relationships require that the people involved work at keeping together.

if he only knew

So I get an email in which he says "I believe love has no boundaries, that's why. Yes the distance is bad, but I have seen it work, BUT I am really getting ahead of myself, so I don't want to scare you."

How funny is it that I was pricing plane tickets to Chicago just this morning?

so many thoughts

So when you find someone that you seem to really like, and yet you don't let yourself really ever like them. It just makes sense that it will never happen, so why even put forth the energy? Especially when 1500 miles are involved. That's a no-brainer.

I met a friend for brunch this morning. The weather was warm, yet cool in the shade. The sky was a friendly blue with wisps of white clouds. The hills on the horizon were beautiful despite the brown. Living in the desert can be wonderful at times.
The energy in the cafe was lively. It seemed to make even biochemistry somewhat interesting. I watched the people through biochemistry text until I saw a familiar outline in line. They didn't have pancakes. They are always out of pancakes. But the quiche was really good.
But the conversation was beautiful. We let words weave tapestries that mused of the good times we shared. We colored on a canvas of memory, and speculated with sound.
I feel so good around her. She believes in me. I never feel I have anything to prove or am being compared to others. Friendship is unique between every individual. It is impossible to feel a friendship for one person and feel the exact same for another. There are so many differences in my relations with others.
I ask about her life. She tells me all is good. I know there is a hard shell that conceals much. But I know it is not my place to get under. I know that I must be allowed in. I have seen glimpses and pieces of what lies beneath. A soul as infinite as the distance starlight travels.

So did you tell them? How do you feel? How did they react? Did you or didn't you? Gosh I wish you the best. But they are his parents and he said that they would still love him. I don't see them as getting the least upset. But I only know them through few pictures and some words. He always speaks so highly of them. I just want to hear your story when you want to tell me. But if you don't tell me, like tomorrow if you did or not, I'll call. ;)

I still think that it would be impossible for us to work out. But I am allowing myself to just live in a world of fantasy for now. Right now we will live happily ever after.

Cinco

1) Intervention - Madonna
2) Heat of the Night - Aikawa Nanase
3) Overdue Goodbye - Anastacia
4) No Games - Breaking Benjamin
5) En Medio de Nada - OBK

My Fuuucking Drunk Post #2

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My Somewhat Stormy Weather Soundtrack

Intervention - Madonna
Breathe - Erasure
Utopia - Alanis Morisette
El 28 - La Oreja de Van Gogh
Nothing Fails - Madonna
Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice
Forget It - Breaking Benjamin
Mariposa - La Oreja de Van Gogh
Watermark - Enya
Moscas en la Casa - Shakira
Sunday - 10000 Maniacs
Talvez - Paulina Rubio
Ode to My Family - The Cranberries

"In the Blink of an Eye, Everything Could Change"

For the record, I think that C wrote one of his best posts ever. Carrie Bradshaw definitely has some competition... ;-)

I went to coffee plant to meet up with an old friend last night. Kind of funny how we met: I had seen him out and thought he was cute. Months past and I just saw him around here and there. I was content with the eye candy relation we had. Then I found that one of my friends knew him. So the introductions were made. He was nice. Really nice and really cute. Time pasted and a few weeks later we met up randomly again, talked and exchanged numbers. Since then we really don't keep in touch on a regular basis. He is a lawyer always busy, and then I'm kinda busy too. But once in awhile a phone call will be made or we'll meet out for coffee. Last night I remembered why I had a crush on him, and why I still do. But I'm content to leave it at that.

As I was leaving the coffee plant, a friend from my Spanish class called and we met up at BS. She is wonderful to hang out with. There is a really cute guy in out Spanish class that we are going to invite out to a G bar. We both think he has tendancies.

I was getting ready to leave BS when my ex found me. It had been awhile since we talked. It was really nice catching up. He's moving to San Jose. Maybe that information influenced me, but we ended up making out in the parking lot like high school kids. But last night after the animal instincs and wildness had run its course, the mood changed; it was tender, soft, slow and quiet. Like time had slowed and given us that moment to share. He'll always be someone in my life, but things have changed.

"People change over time, which needs to be accepted and encouraged. I believe any relationship is like a two-person team that has the same goals and a willingness to proceed even through hardships." Someone I know wrote that and I haven't found anything to be more eloquent.
People do change. It's called life. Sometimes they grow closer to others and at times they grow distant.

I know that love will keep us together

"In the blink of an eye, everything could change.
Say hello to your life, now you're living.
This is it, from now on it's a brand new day.
It was time to wake up from this dream.

I know the road looks lonely, but that's just Satan's game.
But either way, we'll never be the same."

I love Spain

In April of 1998 I went to Spain as my graduation present from my parents. That was 7 years ago (I am old). From that trip I fell in love with Spain. With the culture, the land, with the people. I posted some pictures of the trip below. I will return, if not live there for a time. I said as a teenager when I was there that I left my heart in Spain, and I still feel homesick para el pais.

The Court of Lions in the Alhombra in Granada.

A street in Granada

Santo Toledo!

A random shot of the spanish countryside from the bus.

My first time ever to see the ocean, this being the Mediterrainian Sea.

Me being a total DORK in Madrid.

A shot of Sevilla from the catherdral bellfry.

My aunt and mom in Cordoba

My Five

1) La Tortura - Shakira
2) Heat of the Night - some japanese group - name to follow
3) Utopia - Alanis Morisette
4) Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
5) Overdue Goodbye - Anastacia

Madonna:
1) Till Death Do Us Part - Like a Prayer
2) Nothing Really Matters - Ray of Light
3) Gambler - Unreleased
4) Words - Erotica
5) Nobody's Perfect - Music

I added this Madonna section in honer of C and his dream breakthrough with Madonna. My goal is to get a poster up on his wall... hehe

Express Myself through Alanis

This is utopia this is my utopia.
This is my ideal my end in sight.
Utopia this is my utopia.
This is my nirvana.
My ultimate.

We'd gather around all in a room, fasten our belts engage in dialogue.
We'd all slow down, rest without guilt,
not lie without fear,
disagree sans judgment.

we would stay
and respond
and expand
and include
and allow
and forgive
and enjoy
and evolve
and discern
and inquire
and accept
and admit
and divulge
and open
and reach out
and speak up.

We'd open our arms, we'd all jump in, we'd all coast down into safety nets.

we would share
and listen
and support
and welcome,
be propelled by passion
not invest in outcomes,
we would breathe
and be charmed
and amused by difference,
be gentle
and make room for every emotion.

We'd provide forums, we'd all speak out, we'd all be heard, we'd all feel seen.

we'd rise post-obstacle,
more defined,
more grateful,
we would heal be humbled,
and be unstoppable,
we'd hold close and let go and know when to do which,
we'd release and disarm
and stand up
and feel safe.

This is my ideal my end in sight
This is my nirvana
My ultimate.

I'm hating right now

And the recipients of my hate are all the pho-to-genic people in the world. You know the type. They are usually those that also can wake up in the morning after crashing on the couch after a long night of drinking and dancing and look shower fresh. I hate you. And if you don't understand why I'm so perturbed, or that I'm unnecessarily hating, then you probably are one of the enemy.

Just one look at all the boys on connexion.org and you will know what I mean. I want to contact them all and state that I find all their pictures very becoming and for that reason alone I hate them. ALL OF THEM!!!

And I have not one, but two cold sores coming on. I hate cold sores. DAMN YOU!

You'd think that after so many years of fearing God, I'd have some amount of leeway, but nope. I've definitely made my way onto some sort of bad list.

But I am told that this will be for my own good. Vaya pues. Venga lo que venga.

My Overdue Goodbye

Today I slept in until 9:30, was 25 mins late for my Spanish class, but still made it in time to listen to the really cute guy give his presentation and then get sufficiently bored with the other presentations.

On my way to work today, I watched a bird fly in front of my car. I never made its way to the other side of my car. In my rear view mirror I saw a puff of feathers behind me. I just thought to myself that this was natural selection in motion.

I know that my energy has decreased much. And not my physical energy, but my emotional. I feel drained. I feel I have nothing more to give. I feel that it's slowly being replenished, but not fast enough for me to deal with myself and others. I know that no one really has an idea how much stress and pressure I have been under. I have things going on in my life that I simply don't mention to other people. I hint at them, but in such a way that it comes across as little things that I'll get over in a few days. And I hint at the surface stuff; stuff that normally I don't even notice, but when so much in me is taking all my energy to keep moving forward on a daily basis, trying to balance all that I used to, and still deal with my problems and everything else that I become irritable. I avoid people because I know that I can't give them the energy they deserve or require. And I feel bad. They are important to me, but I just am not in a position to be around much of anyone.

So my overdue goodbye is I'm going to say goodbye to all the superfluous things in my life. I just don't have the energy to work 35-40 hours a week, go to school full time, get to the gym on a regular basis, spend time studying, keep my house in a presentable state of cleanliness, have a social life, and balance the stresses of my existence.

My fuse is short, and I hate that. So I need time to get back to normal. I'm not going to become a recluse, nor cut anyone out of my life, and hopefully most don't even notice that I'm on overload right now. I usually can keep the exterior appearing carefree. But I may not be there like I was in the past.

How can I give what I don't posses?

hay mi amor, me duele tanto

How can I ask that the winter allow a rose to live?
How can I ask that an oak tree give forth apples?
How can I ask that the wind let the fallen leaves lay still?
How can I tell my heart to get over you?

Why do I feel that I am casting my pearls before swine?
Why do I feel the time with you is lost forever?
Why do I feel a chill when you touch my skin?
Why do I feel my heart burn when you speak?

aye que me mate el corazon.

What about you keeps me coming back?
What about you makes my breath stop?
What about you lures my feet to your door?
What about you deceives my senses?

I don't ask that everyday have sunshine.
I don't ask that we celebrate every weekend.
I don't ask that it remain spring year round.
I don't ask that we remain dry in a rainstorm.

aye que me mate el amor.

la tortura

This morning I got an email from a guy in LA whose blog was the very first I started reading on a regular basis. If I remember correctly, I think that his was whose inspired me to start my own. His proved to be the only that I kept reading on a regualr basis. I liked how he used words. But he has moved on, and left the blog behind. Now I have to figure out something new I will read while sitting bored at work. But I cheers the run. Que tu adventura nueva sea lo que estas buscando.

I am listening to Shakira's new song. I think I really like the remix better. but it's good stuff either way.

LMAO!!!!

I figured it out

I now know why I'm feeling like I'm in a daze. It's because I am. I'm confused and unsure about a position that I was very firm on just last week. And also I am finding that some old demons have come back to have their go with me. again.
So I'm trying to figure out just what it is and it's distracting me from pretty much everything.
I'm thinking that the position issue has something to do with my resolution to avoid love for awhile. Was it something said this weekend? Was it something done this weekend? I don't feel a pining to call or talk to anyone that I didn't know before this weekend. Is it the idea of loving someone, a man? I think it may be me. I honestly still feel like in the end I will marry a woman and have a family. And I want a family. That has to be a source of imbalance... being gay and being attracted to men, wanting to spend time with men, wanting to be physical with men, and then knowing that I will drop it and marry a woman. Or at least thinking that way. Is that fair to her? To me? No. Now that I have an idea about what's going on, I can let it drift to the back of my mind, and I can summon it when I find threads of knowledge that might help to unravel the mystery of it.
The demons are simple to identify, since they have been a part of my life since I can remember. I knew they were making a come back Saturday night. I felt like everyone wanted everyone else. And that everyone was seeing right through me. I was getting that invisible feeling again. I was basing my worth on the attention and acceptance of people. But the acceptance in a physical, satisfy the moment sense. no, not sex itself, but that I could be desireable, someone could see me and want me in that sense. I felt like I was blocking everyone else's view of everyone else. I am making this seem like a sex party or something. Not like that. I just mean that I felt like everyone else at the party was beautiful and I wasn't. That people were seeing me and wishing I would go away.
But I know how to deal with these demons. I have to do things that make me feel positive: sutdy, workout, run, go above and beyond at work. Things that make me feel better. I don't like to wallow in self-pity and now that I have recognized what's going on, I can pull out of it. okay, well that's enough of that.

taking my own advice

Today I have stared at the screen for 15 mins without anything to say. I want to type something, but nothing is coming. Then I remembered two important factors of a blog... 1) Just write, no matter what the content, and 2) I'm doing this for me.

My mood is fair weather today. The weekend killed me. I stayed up way too late everynight. and woke up way too early every morning. It was fun, no regrets, but hindsight says try and get at least one decent night's sleep in and try and do some homework. Course I completely forgot about tests this week. So I can't say too much about that.

Gosh I wish I were gradated and could just make a decent amount of money and when I went home from work, I didn't have any homework to do.

Well I've learned from experience that when you have to ask for something once or twice it wasn't meant in the first place. And it's hard to accept when you love someone, that you're lead to believe that in your moment of need that they want what you want, but they don't.
It was so easy in the beginning, when you didn't feel like running from your feelings, like you are now. What happened? What do I remind you of? Your past? Your dreams? Or some part of yourself that you just can't love?

As They say, All Good Things Must Come To An End

I've decided that after picking up the kitchen some, and piling the dishes in a corner to await their turn in the machine, that it was in sufficient condition to wait a more energetic cleaning which it truly merits on the morrow.
I paused before turning off the lights to retreat to my bedroom to perform my nightly bedtime rituals, and thought of the happenings of the evening; the happenings of the weekend.

The walls echoed the laughter of good friends; the clinking of glasses and scrapes of forks on plates filled my mind's ears. Smiles and warm eyes were reflecting from the bamboo near the dining table. The aroma of shortbread and either accomplishment or thank-God-I-pulled-it-off was still hinting in the air. It was a wonderful evening, that left a warmth which only true friendship can create in my heart. A perfect cadence to a good weekend.

And so relaxing was this weekend. Spent almost entirely in the company of good friends, and new acquaintances. Sitting by the pool. Lunch at a Chinese restaurant where they bring the buffet to you. Witty banter about a myriad of subjects, some light, some heavy. Hot tubbing with cute guys. Finally kissing your crush of two years, and realizing it was fun, but a crush is all you'll really ever be able to feel for this person. Emailing back and forth with your best friend while she's at work and you're still in your jammys at home. Spending an afternoon at the pool. Trying out a new bar and then after five minutes there, telling your friends to stay close as there is strength in numbers, and with no sudden movements to start heading towards the door. Preparing dinner in an attempt to repay for kindness and friendship given. Listening to talented musicians sing Broadway tunes. Being so utterly exhausted from having so much fun you are ready to fall asleep at your computer, but memories made must be documented.

This weekend passed like a dream. A wonderful, happy dream. Tomorrow I wake up and return to reality. But I feel rested and ready to take it on.

Only the night can say
Why it will never show
All the dreams there are to know
And keep hidden from the day.

This Week's Picks

1) Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
2) Sometimes - James
3) Ray of Light - Madonna
4) 24 - Jem
5) All Through the Night - Cyndi Lauper
6) Forget It - Breaking Benjamin

if you're wondering what to get me for my birthday

http://www.airquee.co.uk/pub/

it's stupid, but I laughed cuz it was so pointless (I didn't write this, received it as an email)

I just have one question about whales: who cares? All I ever hear are people pissing and moaning about saving the whales. Why save the whales? Screw them, what have they done for me? How would you like to go to the beach one day and read a sign that says "Sorry, all out of water." Not likely? Think again. Here's a little fact about whales that not many people know:

Whales are drinking all our water and eating our sailors.

When they're not busy ravaging the high seas, they're getting beached and rotting to death out of spite so nobody can enjoy the beach.

Then there are the people who say whales are smart. If whales are so smart, then how come they still haven't learned to breathe under water like everything else that lives in the ocean? They've only had 40-million years to do it and they still don't have their shit together. And now researchers are saying that they've found gay whales. Duh.

Is it too much to ask for a whale to save me for a change? When is the last time you procrastinated by putting up a stupid web page instead of studying and a whale saved your ass during the test? Never. In fact, when is the last time a whale did anything other than some stupid trick like jumping out of the water? Ooh, the whale can jump out of the water. Big deal.

Try building an oil rig, then I'll be impressed asshole.

Reading blogs and email: here are some of my favorites

"I was so excited cuz I had only one exam today so I got to come home at ten. So I was being all excited for 5 minutes and running around the house like the crazed person that I am. Then I decided I was bored and lonely and wished I had a car."


"Sometimes I feel like my usually innocent sidekick phone turns into an evil monster that won't ring (when I want a certain guy to call) lol" -L

Celebrating that today is today

Vaya, realmente no me importa que hoy es hoy. Solamente hay pensamientos dentro mi cabeza que tengo que expresar y no quiero expresarme en ingles. Puse este titulo porque quiero que piensen que soy feliz ahorrita. Preo realmente me siento que un pedazo de me alma se me fue. No fue una persona, solo se que hay algo diferente conmigo.

Siento que hay un agujero en mi piel, donde al amor que tuve se derramo bastante. Hasta que ya no siento con mi corazon. puedo sentir amistad con mis amigos. Pero mas de esto, no hay nada.

los nubles han bajado. me cubren hasta los hombros. veo, pienos, sino no siento. el corazon dejo de funcionar. estoy cansado de preguntarle al amor donde esta. no lo busco. no lo encuentro. Parece que por lo menos todos han tenido un poco amor en sus vidas. yo no. y por esto he decedido que no hay un amor para mi.

es la misma historia. quiero a una persona. esta person no me quiere a mi. solamente he conocido esto de amor. se como vivir sin el.

estos dias pienso que mi vida es mejor sin el pinche sentimiento. ya no me voy a enganar. no quiero que venga el amor. no quiero encontrarme en los subidos y bajidos de el. de hecho, pienso en personas que a penas hace dos semanas en encantaran, y hoy. no quiero estar con ellos.

supongo que por fin mi corazon se dio cuenta que es azul y negro. se que vivire solo por mi vida. sere un amigo a todos, pero nadie me puede dar amor romantico. y que me importa a mi? No conozco diferente.

Tengo que ser feliz todo el dia. No quiero que mis amogos sepan que guardo tristeza en mi corazon.

It's 3:30 PM...

I would KILL, yes KILL, for a bag of cheese-its.

Sometimes it just comes, and you gotta write

I feel that the tumultuous storm I've been feeling in my life these past months has slowly knocked off pretenses I may have created in my own mind. Maybe to protect me from who I was and who I was becoming. I feel it was a process.
I can't help but think that certain people were catalysts in this reaction with in my soul. But I feel I'm pulling out, or that I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel better and more comfortable in this skin than I ever have before, yet I feel I have once again become the person I used to be. I feel closer to who I am.
I feel my past and my present are uniting. I feel I am better capable of accepting what the future brings because I see that so much of it depends on decisions I make now.
I guess life's trials are like a refiner's fire. I feel refined, that some of my dull spots are a bit more polished and as a blacksmith shapes metal, so I have been shaped to become better.

This all kind of came to me when I was walking to biochem class. I realized that I'm still sitting on the fence; doing my best to be a gay Mormon. Never accepting that I was one or the other, but both. I realized that for me to be happy in this life, I need to chose one way or the other. Yeah, it does suck to be a gay mormon. And I think, what if it is all true? But then I have felt lately that I'm slowly choosing a way... I feel myself drifting to a decision. I'm just gathering speed and strength to go that direction.
On my death bed, I want to utter the words, Absolutely no regrets.

erotica (part 2)

The evening was wonderful... well until I came home and started homework and house chores. I think I'm tired of being my roommate's maid. But also I'm am a ray of sunshine right now. So I will just say that the "friend" was a very nice guy. I tried to not like him, but couldn't help myself. ;) jk.

And I think I like the band James now.

E#R&O*T@I%C$A

So all day today I've been musing in the back of my mind what I will talk about. But before I get to anything of substance, I hope that everyone is aware that Mariah's new album came out today. Actually I was in a blissful state of ignorance all day... well almost... at 7AM my friend texted me to go buy it. Riiight. I'll get right on that.

I've been rather productive at work today. To put it in perspective my boss expects a 'C' out of us each day. I usually shoot for a 'B.' I actually had a talk about this with my friend who owns his own business and all he wants is work out of his employees. Wants them to earn their keep. Stop talking. Stop getting paid to blog... uh... anyway... today I have achieved an 'A.' I could shoot for that 'A+' but I really don't want my supervisor to get used to the fact that I am capable of putting out. And rather well if I do say so myself. (now comes the justification...)

I feel that if I get done what is required of me, then a little downtime is fine. Now before the stones are cast, I am going to school full time, trying to keep my grades up in those classes, working 35 hours a week, trying to get to a gym now and then, and having somewhat of a social life. And for the first time in a long time, I feel the stress of it. Not enough that I will crack just yet, but I feel I've been worn thin. So if I seem a bit short, don't take it personally. I'm just really, really stressed. I HATE my speech class. I hate public speaking. I HATE, HATE, HATE it.

But I do love the new gym I joined. It's really family like, and full of happy people and the beautiful men just never strip... er... stop showing up. The field is white, ready to harvest.

Tonight I'm meeting a friend for drinks. I'm excited to meet the someone in his life. Honestly I'm not sure what they are. Friends? Lovers? Eff-Buddys? But whoever he is, my friend seems to like him to be around. So I can't wait to meet him. I'll probably give a detailed report of the evening tomorrow. Or maybe not.

"Give it up, do as I say. Give it up, let me have my way. I'll give you love, I'll hit you like a truck. I'll give you love, I'll teach you how to fuck." She never says the last word, but sometimes I wish she would. Ask anyone who has been in my presence when I'm singing some songs... I tend to insert words I think should have been there. For reasons as to why, please see paragraph 3.

I think I'm going to take a picture of what I see when looking out my window at work. Sometimes it surprises me just how pretty it is. I like the green of the trees with the desert colors and hills behind them. Granted it is in the middle of the 5th-worst-traffic city in the country, but I still like it.

Have I mentioned lately that I'm so happy to be single? I've been trying to remember why I was all worried that no one will like me, and I'll never find a mate... blah, blah, blah... I can't imagine trying to share my life with someone right now. Way too busy. Course tomorrow my thread line will be something to the stomach-turning effect of "I'm In Love!" or something.

Words of Wisdom: "...maybe it's better that you know he's an a-hole now....know what i mean. rather than you going around thinking some a-hole was a nice guy." -D

From my Heart

I find that despite my deliberate planning and careful attention to details, the bottom still seems to fall right out from under me. I used to not be the least bit resilient. But now I find I am getting better.

I'm still trying to clam my life down and not let criticism and imperfections get me caught up in things I cannot see.

I may never be an angel, I may never be a saint. But I'm trying to survive the best I know how. I understand no risk, no glory.

I feel that I try and be a good person. I feel that I try and treat the people in my life, be it an old friend or a new acquaintance, so that they feel special. I feel I go out of my way to accommodate others, sacrificing my time and resources so that for a few minutes he/she will feel that someone in this crazy world cares for them, and wants them to be happy. Sometimes I feel foolish for extending my hand. Sometimes it's slapped back at me. Sometimes I worry that this world is so cynical that my good intentions are mistaken for a hidden agenda.
Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry. And sometimes I have to laugh to keep from crying.
And sometimes I know that people believe in me. That I am loved unconditionally. That I am accepted for all that I am. That certain people in my life are not going anywhere. I'm really bad at expressing how much I appreciate it sometimes, but I remember it all. And for these people I would give all I have, even my life should it ever come to that.

And PS... if we spend all Wednesday night together, don't pretend you don't see me Saturday night, and when I finally talk to you, act distant and uninterested. But then I suppose you have your reasons. And let those reasons keep your heart warm, for I have removed you from mine and withdrawn all friendship.

In Memory of...

When we went to dinner, my friend who is a server there said to come look at something and when we arrived, this was found on a table. Looks like the patrons who sat here previously were feeling particularly religious. It was rather funny...

Is it already Thursday again?

1) Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
2) Univited - Alanis Morisette
3) I Believe in You - Kyle Minogue
4) (Untitled Track) - Breaking Benjamin
5) Puedes Contar Conmigo - La Oreja De Van Gogh

Note: #3 is on the list because while that song was playing at the bar last night, we sang and danced to it, and the rest of the bar dissapeared. And for that reason it is on the list, and of course being a good song. Now when I listen to it, I hear all the good memories of the previous night.
I'm sure you've had a night that was so wonderful, the next day you were still trying to absorb it all.

Some of the Best Teeth You'll Ever see in the Same Room

My Friend from Omaha was in town on business and so he was able to set a night aside to hang out with me. Nothing better than a little My Florist and BS to make for a wonderful night. I guess I'll start looking forward to the next trip... but then I just might have to visit Omaha one of these days...

Plato vs. Eros

I think for the first time since I was a school boy, I am choosing to sit under a tree and read a book than go play during recess. Too many times lately I've felt myself wishing I could look at the ground and kick the dirt. I feel awkward and crude again, yet closer to myself than I've ever been.

I'm happy and content with where I am in life, and especially with where I'm going. I'm not perfect by any means, but I feel that I have the strength in me to conquer some old demons. And I must do it alone. For so long I've been pining for someone to cherish. But now I'm happy I don't have such a person in my life. The friendships I have give me all the companionship I need at this time.

But rather than feel my friends are going to run ahead of me on this road chasing their own dreams and passions and in the end leave me, I feel that I am here to cheer them on while I figure out my own path. I may not be as far as they are, but I'm no longer in any hurry.

I feel that I no longer need to base my life on where everyone else is, but rather where I am, and where I'm going.

I guess metaphorically speaking I'm drawing my bubble bath and I've lit a scented candle and selected a long novel to read. But my phone will be by the tub, should you call, or I need to chat.

Please Take Note:

When I'm busy at work trying to snack/email/blog/listen to music/write a to-do list/study/organize my desk/and from time to time work, and you (as my co-worker) come up to my personal area/desk and tell me AGAIN about your @ss-hole husband/a story I just head you tell the person that sits right by me/the same story you told me yesterday at this time/a story about how your child of 4 years talked back to you and how cute it was/that you think I look like that one actor and how you want to see that one movie he's in/how your sister said for the 4th time this week she will no longer babysit your children, please expect me to go "uh-hu" and continue what I was doing/all-of-a-sudden need to go to the bathroom (you don't know that I just went 10 mins ago)/look at you blankly and slip into la-la land while waiting for your lips to stop moving/involve another co-worker in the conversation, get you two talking, and slip away (the wrath of involved co-worker is worth getting out of the conversation).

Consider yourself informed.

We Was Conversatin'

D: hanging around with people who WANT to be around me and ENJOY being around me is turning me into a happier person minute by minute. i am that in no time i won't even think about b. so sad for him!

R: That's really good. I'm happy that you have been able to get to that point. Yeah I would def say that I think that being around people who want to be around you is a def ego boost.

D: and being around people who don't want to be around you will make you miserable and destroy your self esteem.

..........................................................................

R: GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have some news that will make you FREAK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

D: tell me your news. i don't think i have even ever written that many exclamation points.
i will take a stab. u got a good grade on your econ exam?????

R: No, I failed it. But it will be dropped anyway. YOU ARE IN ONE OF THE GAY MAGAZINES!!!! THERE IS AN ALL OUT PHOTO OF YOU AND THAT DARK HARIED MODEL GIRL FROM WHEN WE WENT TO ROSCOES THAT ONE NIGHT AND I WAS REALLY BITCHY. but THERE YOU ARE, SMILING. YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD THOUGH. SHE'S ALL TRYING TO BE MODEL AND YOU'RE SMILING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. i SAW IT LAST NIGHT AND WAS GONNA CALL YOU BUT IS WAS LIKE 12AM AND MY PHONE WAS DEAD. cool huh?

D: cool!!!! can you get me a copy so i can show all my friends! hehehe

R: I'll see if I can find one. If not you can have the beat up copy I have...

D: cool, thanks. i want to send a copy to all my family and freinds! NOT!!!! was it just me and her? are people going to think i am a lesbian?

R: totally

D: OMG!!!!! i am going to die. i guess worse things have happened. they must have cut out the interior designer from the pic.

R: yeah, it was just you two. But those who know and love you will know that you are 100% str8. The rest will just think you're a hot lesbo.

D: OMG!

My April 9th's Resolution

One of my goals I made at the new year was to get in better shape physically. I am now seeing that I cannot do this on my own. I am lazy and will choose to eat and watch TV during my gym time rather than go to the gym. That is unhealthy. So I am joining a gym where I will have a freind that will go with me. If I don't go, then I will let him down. But also this appeals to my competitive spirit and my penny-pinching self. I cannot let said friend go the the gym and get more buff than me (despite the fact that he already is well on his way), and I'm not going to pay for something I never use. I already do that with my fake baking. But that all will change. I also find that I want to eat healthier when I'm working out. I have more energy. And I'm more alert. So why do I not work out? Maybe cuz I'm a dummy. A lazy dummy. A God-fearing lazy dummy. A God-fearing lazy corpulent dummy. A God-fearing lazy corpulent poor dummy. OR, maybe just a dummy. I'll get back to you on that...

I also wanted to learn French better this year. I have signed up for a French class next semester. I'm SOO excited for it. You might ask why I want to learn French? Well, Spanish and French are the two languaes that a good portion of the world speaks (Madarin Chinese is on the agenda, but I'm just not ready yet).

J'aime le langue de francais, et je voudrais aprender ce laungue. Aussi, mon amie parle le langue et je veux parler comment il. --wow that was really testing all the French I can speak at this time. I have taken 2 semesters of it... back in 1999. I'm sure already speaking Spanish will help me a lot in the class.

There was one more, and that was to do better in school. Yeah, totally not doing as good as I was hoping. Will do better. Must do better.

No Need To Argue

This weekend was full of events. Events that solidified my resolution in some aspects. I realized just how important my friends are to me. I realized that I will be there with them through the thick and the thin. I realized that their happiness makes me happy. I wrote an entry, but wasn't ready to post it. Afraid I exposed too much of myself, too much of my thoughts. But that's what this is about. My friends are too dear and wonderful to ever let them slip away. I have learned so much, and there is so much more to learn.

Home after the long night, yet fun, and educational.

When I said no sugar coating, I meant it.

I have really been on edge this week. It was the latter half of the week mostly that I was on edge. I've known why, but I never told anyone. I wanted to be sure. And now I know for sure.

I wasn't sure that I would be able to carry on the friendship with C. I hurt too much. My heart wasn't accepting that he was having fun, and I wasn't there; that he could feel strong emotions without me. I tried to be strong, but it wasn't working. I felt I was slowly loosing grip on what I tried so desperately to keep hold of. It was an uphill battle; I was almost ready to just walk away.

But somewhere between leaving Charlie’s and saying goodbye for the night, it all changed. Like a small flower that very quickly and silently blossomed in my soul, not allowing its presence to be detected until it had fully matured did I realize that he is my friend, in the truest most pure sense of the word. He has a soul of gold. And I had allowed my pride to take over my thoughts, and distort my senses. Like this flower brought intelligence I realized I was the one at fault.

I can almost say I know that our situation was meant to be. I realized that I may feel discomfort now and again and a surge of jealousy may need to be suppressed, but our friendship has a divine purpose. Our friendship is right. What will happen in the future, I don't know. But I will never find another like him. And to cut him from my life would be like cutting a portion of my soul out. It just makes sense to have him in my life. It's like he was always there, as natural as breathing is, he is my friend. It's like a scientific law; I don't question it, that's just how it is.

It is late and I feel my words are far from eloquent. I know that the road of this friendship will not be a normal one for me. But I know that it will be much deeper and stronger than anything I've ever known. Tonight is a testament that while I will struggle with accepting our situation, I will also have the strength to learn and grow from it. Is this a lesson the heavens have decided I need to learn? I don't know, nor do I feel I will question it much longer. But I just feel that it is right. I can honestly say I feel that what we share is the best for both of us and meant to be; that C and I were meant to be: Meant to be best friends forever.

Small Conversation

D: do u have to feel pain to grow?

R: I think that you don't if you grow really slowly, but when you have to grow really fast to accomodate a new feeling, then I think it hurts. Or at least uncomfortable.

D: ooooooooooh. makes sense.

A view from my balcony. It seems fitting. I love dusk.

Top 5

1) Laugh To Keep From Crying - Madonna
2) Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice
3) Uninvited - Alanis Morisette
4) The Best Things - Filter
5) I Bet Your Mad At Me - Erasure

My horoscope says today is an 8...

But it seems to be one of those days when nothing I say seems to come out correctly. So I decided that I will put the lyrics of a song that has been on my mind a lot over the past 24 hours. And in the mean time, I will try to convince all my co-workers to join me in a round of "Row, Row, Row your boat" (wink).

Say good-bye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that

And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember

Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing

And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you saved me
I'll remember

I learn to let go of the illusion that we can possess
I learn to let go, I travel in stillness
And I'll remember happiness
I'll remember

Phone that can receive photos - $150

Biochemistry Textbook - $120

Receiveing a photo while studying biochemistry - nothin' but good times...

The Eternal Judgement of the Spotty Mind

Time: 10:30PM
I am happily studying for Econ when the thought occurs to me that I really have no food in the house. I'll just shop tomorrow, I think. No I've been saying that for three days now. And I really have no food. What will I eat for lunch? Breakfast? Knaw on the boxes in the trash? Even I won't stoop to those levels (were you sitting down?).

10:34PM
I concede to go to the supermaket.

10:36PM
Jamming to Erasure while driving to the supermarket.

10:41PM
Arrive at the supermarket, greeted by droves of workmen... a quick scan reveals that there is no candy fo be found in the throngs of workmen... unless trailer trash is your preference.

10:42PM
I begin to manuver my way around the cords, tubes, machines and men to select my produce that will help to sustain me for the week. At times I must abandon my shopping cart and perishable treasures and scoot through taped off work areas to retrieve my bread and milk. Who is this store manager and what was he/she thinking when he/she allowed dirty guys to work around my food, and not at the very least make the food obtainable with out running an obsticle course? I guess that's why they work at the supermarket.

10:51PM
In the ONLY OPEN checkout line IN THE STORE, with a line that contains at least a dozen people who are just as anxious to get out of the construction zone as I am, except for one sloppy bitch who deems her existence more important than ours and proceedes to very slowly unload her over-flowing cart onto the belt ONE ITEM AT A TIME.
To silence the angry voices in my head, I pick up an US magazine, all of a sudden worried that Britney might be pregnant. Wow has she put on the pounds, but I'd still boink her.

10:55PM
Interrupted from wondering just when Demi and Ashton will get married, a semi-cute store clerk tells me that he can take me at the next register. The two huge whales behind me huff and puff that I got to go first, despite the fact that they just had the one item, which was 400 tons of kitty litter (or something like that). I listen in on their conversation. They converse about work. They must work at the same place. It was a mother/daughter duo. How cute... Momma Whale was training Baby Whale to be a bonafide weird cat lady while stifleing all creativity and ambition baby might have by making her happy to work at a dead-end job with momma and take the love of cats over that of a lover. And then get knocked up once by a desperate, super ugly man to progenerate the cat-loving whale family (or something like that).

10:57PM
Happy to be in my secure gas-guzzling SUV; DAMN happy to be out of that store. But when all is said and done, it will be a nice store.

11:04PM
Home again, home again, jiggity jig.

I'll admit to it...

I laughed...

But so did he... and that justifieth me.

fun blog games

choose a band or singer and answer these questions only in song titles:

are you male or female? Dicen Que Dicen
describe yourself. Tantas Cosas Que Contar
how do some people feel about you? La Esperanza Debida
describe your ex-boyfriend. Historia De Un Sueño
describe your current boyfriend. Tic Tac
what do you want to be? La Paz De Tus Ojos
what mood are you currently in? Que Puedo Pedir
who are your friends? Puedes Contar Conmigo
what words of wisdom can you share? Cuidate

Love 'em


And now Madonna... ;)

are you male or female? He's a Man
describe yourself. Nobody's Perfect
how do some people feel about you? Love Profusion
describe your ex-boyfriend. Bye Bye Baby
describe your current boyfriend. I'm So Stupid
what do you want to be? Ray of Light
what mood are you currently in? Die Another Day
who are your friends? Till Death Do Us Part
what words of wisdom can you share? Love Makes the World Go Round

I can relate...

Though Manson has now learnt to love her red hair she remains deeply insecure about her looks. Now she sees a therapist and has a name for her particular neurosis. "It's called body dysmorphia and it's something I'll always battle with," she says. "It means you don't see yourself physically as you actually are. I always feel embarrassed talking about it because I feel a lot of people will roll their eyes and say: 'Oh look, there she is harping on about the way she looks. Well, she can't feel that bad as she has her photograph in the paper.' But I feel I should tell the truth about how women feel and how we do things that are contradictory. That's just human nature. Yes, I do have my picture taken, and I look glamorous and I have my hair and make-up done for me but don't mistake that for being in love with the way I look. I look at those photos sometimes and, well ... it doesn't make me feel good."

Just thinking about random things...

I've been thinking about the boy all day. I don't know why I'm no attracted to him. But my heart isn't in it. My heart is still un-gluing itself from Another. And I think that I just need some time. The Other has 95% fallen into the brother/friend category. It's just that 5% that I'm waiting to come around.
But A co-worker said that I probably will never get over that. He might be right. But I honestly do now days think of him as a friend only. The thought of kissing him doesn't repulse me, but nor does it cause all the pixies in my mind to fly around and tickle my fancy.

I'm falling out of facination with the boy. I wonder if the Other and I had dated, would I have fallen out of facination with him after the glowing lights faded to reality?
But that's a question that will never have an answer. And quite frankly, I don't want it to have an answer.

Saturday night I went to Amsterdam and Charlie's and had a wonderful time talking to people and meeting new people, but the Boy was stuck to my side all night. I found myself wanting to flirt with all the new boys I was seeing. But I did see some friends out and always have fun shooing the shit with them. I'm excited for pride this weekend. But I'm also excited for the quiet nights before then as well.

I have met another who does tickle my fancy. I havn't told anyone about him. I'm not ready to introduce him to anyone. He may fade quickly. He may never materialize. He may not even exist anymore.

While I've never had the urge to randomly kick someone really hard, I have wanted to rear-end many a person... on a daily basis. With no real reagard for what it will do to my car because the mere satisfaction of rear-ending such person will give me all the satisfaction I need. Does this make me a closeted sociopath?

For the first time, my two worlds collide, thankfully they didn't clash like black socks with brown shoes...

Aren't they so cute!

Addendum: The Socks are dark brown (riiiiight).

Top 5 songs:

1) I Bet You're Mad At Me -- Erasure
2) Inevitable (English Version) -- Shakira
3) Ocean Avenue -- Yellowcard
4) Here I Go Impossible Again -- Erasure
5) Candy Perfume Girl -- Madonna

Things I should know by now...

1) Not letting my head overrule my heart.
2) I actually need to study for Biochemistry.
3) The days just seem to go better when I run in the morning.
4) I too need to take a few time-outs and let my head clear.
5) Understand that just because I haven't spoken to someone for more than three days doesn't mean that they have forgotten who I am or dislike me.
6) Money doesn't grow on trees.
7) My room never will clean itself.

Que chulos!

This is me in Boise with my sister. That trip was much fun, but left me exhausted. But I was able to spend time with my sister. She is definitely the most erratic driver. I was the navagator. I would say to get ready to turn in a few minutes, and before I knew what was happening, she would flip the blinker on and start to turn. At one point after she made such a turn, I told her to stop and look at the road she had just turned onto:
"Is this the highway we needed to take?" I asked.
"I don't know" She retorted.
I replied "Well, I hope this isn't the highway, cuz all I see is a dirt road!"
We had some good times.

intervention

Don't try and justify why you feel the way you feel.
Put the excuses away, save them for another day.
Let the world spin on its own, take a break.
Stop thinking about the future, live right now.
Place all your reasons in your pocket for tomorrow.
Your worries make no sense at this time.
Resolve nothing, make no conclusions.
Lay impossibilities at the feet of hope.
Don't ask what fate holds in store.
Allow uncertainties to disappear.
Let go of all the what-ifs.
No more apologizing for now.
There is no need to explain yourself.
Accept all that you're not.
Stop fighting all that you are.
Allow yourself some time to breathe.

Just be you.
Just be who you are, right now.
Just for even tonight.

People Who's Shit Simply Doesn't Stink

Friend, D, and I celebrating Orito's birthday.

Dear D,

I totally agree with you. It's funny but anyone doing the smallest things for me, means the world to me. Did you know that the card that Orito gave me was the first card or written form of friendship a guy has ever given me... besides emails (everyone does emails) And the card you gave me was the first friend card anyone has given me since I could remember. Letters and cards have always meant so much to me because I see the time that goes into them... like I know that you had to take time to buy it and then write in it, and then give it to me.

And I never expected a card at all from Orito. I'm still numb from it. I've never had a guy friend who is so thoughtful. This is unknown territory for me. I'm almost happy that we are just friends, because he is giving me things, a friendship that I have never had before, something I've never known. Sometimes I think that God kept Orito's heart from feeling anything more than friendship for me because God knew it would be more important for me right now to establish good friends than a relationship. And maybe if Orito and I had dated, we would have broken up and never spoken again in four months whereas as friends, we will be in each other's life always.

I think about these things sometimes.

His Point of View... As I Can See It

I'm giving you as much love as I can give.
I'm doing this the best I know how.
I'm scared, I've never been here before.
I proceed delicately, I try to do what's right.
I'm going to err, I'm human, not perfect.
Don't be mad at me.
I'll never hurt you intentionally, you're too important to me.

You seem so sad to me,
I know tears fall when you're alone.
I want to be there for you,
I hurt when you hurt.
Don't my words and actions tell you I'm not going anywhere?

Tell me what's on your mind.
I want to hear your thoughts.
Please understand I can't give what I don't have.
If I had it I would give it all to you.
This is what I know to do,
I'm already giving you all the love I can.

Dear D,

Good morning. How are you? I hope you had some fun last night. I thought it was fun. Amsterdam was a little down, but that's because I was. I was really tired.

Orito wrote me a card yesterday. It was really nice of him. He told me it was because I was acting down. I told him that it was because I was really tired, but he told me that it was a different kind of down... he was telling I was having trouble again accepting that we are just friends. I thought I was doing so well. ;) But I guess we all have re-lapses now and then. But he is really sweet. I can tell that he really wants to be there for me, to help me through this time in my life, and he's not sure what to do, but he's doing it the best he knows how.

What time do you get off work? I have to go to ASU today for about an hour or so to do some research for a speech and my Spanish paper. Maybe when you come over we can down load the pics and then go to the Biltmore to study?

Orito said something about a movie today, but I'm not sure if I will be able to go. I really have a lot to get done today, but relaxing through a movie sounds nice. Maybe you could come watch it with us? I don't know.

Just write back and tell me what time you get off work, cuz I'm thinking around that time to come to my house. I'm off to ASU, but I can check my email from there... -ryan