if I was an actor I'd be Marlon Brando

The glamour of the golden age of cinema. Back when actors really could act rather than just stand in front of the camera and look pretty.

Well, that's my opinion anyway. I just watched A Streetcar Named Desire and was blown away by how well it was acted and of course how incredibly hot Marlon Brando was. So I have decided that I need to explore more of his movies to see if I think he was a good actor or not.

But back to today's actors: Yes, Heath Ledger did very well in BBM. I think he should win an oscar for that performance. He was sullen, lost in his confused thoughts most of the time. I yearned to shake him and tell him to wake up and go with his gut reaction. But how often do we hesitate? Sometimes for just minutes, days, months, a lifetime. Carpe Diem. That's a message I walked away with from the movie. It was incredible. I loved it.

I'm still thinking of Brokeback Mountain. I think I'd like to watch it again, and read the story again. I did cry some when I read it. It's very brief and to the point. In a sentence the author sums up immense emotion between these two men. I still think that the way the story was portrayed it could have easily been between a man and a woman... kinda like that one that got away. Or that you didn't know you needed in your life until he/she was gone. Quite possibly Jake's character was willing to chance death or murder rather than shielding his emotions. He wanted to be happy at any cost. But then they say if you set your stakes to high, you're bound to lose. Sad that he just wanted to be happy with the person he loved and for that wound up dead. But then it's also said, "We weren't meant to be, at least not in this life time." They must have been star-crossed lovers, like Romeo and Juliet. A love so deep that only death could fulfill it; too pure for this world.

What price would we pay to be happy? Do we deny ourselves moments of happiness out of fear or society? I remember when you said that you deny yourself nothing. (Kept in moderation) I think you're on to something. ;)

"A man can tell one thousand lies, I've learned my lesson well. Hope I live to tell the secret I have learned. Until then it will burn inside of me."

I was wrong to let you go

I just saw Brokeback Mountain with my good friend A. I wanted to cry, and I did for a brief moment. But the MD put me on some meds that kinda make my emotions numb.

I like it.

I've felt enough for awhile now (the movie too). I just want to not feel. I get too wrapped up in people and too up-tight and all that. I just want to let things go for awhile. I don't want to feel anything.

And I think for now I don't.

Well, I still feel, it's just muted. It's not quite the impact that I used to feel. So I'm not going to cry today.

On a different note, here are some notes that I jotted down during work the last few days:

The stars shone brightly that night.
But reason says put the stardust in your pocket
and turn you head to the sun once again.
Dreams are to be followed, but fools follow star wishes.
______________________
It's better to cash in the chips
and take what I already have.
Anything from here on out is a gamble.
And I know setting my stakes too high,
I'm bound to lose.
----------------------------------------------------------------
I find myself walking into your life.
We share no history except days.
I love you with out knowing you.
I must be out of my mind.
-----------------------
Let the rain fall.
Let it cover the earth
and nourish my hope.
And spite my overwhelming despair.
_________________
My best relationships are with blotches of ink strategically placed on paper, and with the neurons that fuel my imagination.
_______________________________________
It takes a lot to always be on form.
Make sure my safety vest is on tight.
It's been one of those days.
I can't go any faster
for fear of losing myself.

Coffee rings help me search my heart.
Careful not to cross over the line.
The sky is blue and swallows me.
Please don't come any closer
for fear of losing you.

more random notes

Must be Dreaming
Collide
Let’s Take One More Rocket to the
Moon
Must Get Out
Forbidden Love
I Need a Hero


Do I know you from somewhere? Why do you leave me wanting more?

The thought enraptured me, warming my soul. And I allowed myself to be carried away in euphoria. But just as soon as I let myself go, I woke from dreaming and returned to my cold, grey world.

I’d bike, run, swim. I’d learn French. I’d save and scrimp. I’d buy lavishness. I’d give my all. It’d still not be enough.

If luck would smile and fortune send a sign, I’d wish upon a star that you’d be mine.

I pray for God to send me an angel,
to send me someone to warm my soul.
I wished upon stars and moonbeams.


What am I doing for the rest of my life? I guess striving for your happiness ;) (That may have been cheesy). I was reading through your profile and it left me wanting more. I was enraptured by what you said and how handsome you are. And since I only get one shot at life and with nothing to lose, I thought I’d send you a message. You replying was alone more than I had anticipated, so thank you muchly for that.
There was an honesty in your words, and I too have reached that point where I can’t shake off that empty feeling as easily as I used to, and I know the best things in life are free. Who is this crazy guy you might be thinking? Well I thought that hope, the thing with feathers, had left me for good. But something so simple as reading your profile sparked an unknown reserve within me.

notes at work

the first time

learning how to breathe.

Top 10 of 2005

1) Since you been gone
2) Sick and tired

I’m scared to let myself out again. I need to have time to myself to be alone, to discover things, whatever they may be.
I don’t want to lose myself again and lose focus of what I need to be doing.

Mom said to bring:
- a $2-4 gift
- potato chips for snacking
- the harry potter book.

I need space from this guy, though we have nothing spoken between us, I’m finding I think about him more and more. TIME OFF! TIME OUT! TIME FREEZE!
I need to step away before IT happens again… gosh!

wrestle with my darkness

So I think to a certain degree I'm still searching. I don't know what I'm looking for. I have an idea, but not anything set in stone.

I feel like Jabba the Gut today. I've been under the weather lately which has postponed my gym attendance even longer. I think I'm pushing a month of non-attendance. While I've been happy in my repose and eating all the chocolate I can lay my hands on while on this creative-difference break, I find that I am now thinking the gym is more my friend than chocolate. But both make me feel so good. Of course this is a simple everything-in-moderation fable (course between you and me and my belly an overdose of carido wouldn't kill me).

The girl of my dreams has consented to hang with me New Year's Eve (Yes, I am gay, but don't look too deeply into it). I'm so enraptured with her. "Once upon a time, there was a boy and there was a girl." Anyway, she makes me feel all warm and tingly inside. But I'd never date her. Did I mention I'm gay? That's just a great way to complicate things.

This weekend I was able to get up to visit my grandparents, whom I haven't seen in about a year. It was time. They were happy and healthy, it was a nice visit. But the 7 hours total on the road in one day was tough for me, but well worth it.

I'm losing

"And I imagine me alone somewhere, traveling, maybe with Louie, going anywhere and nowhere and back again."

This poet captured a sentiment I've felt for a long time. I know that I've got some traveling to do. And I must do it alone. I think I've began the journey... the destination is only a blur in my mind.

de vez en cuando

So where do I find myself today? I think more on the right track than I was yesterday. Last night I went on a date with a guy that I have been talking to for awhile now. He had the personality of a cardboard box. I know that I misspell things, and sometimes I don’t convey my thoughts very well, but at least I think. That sounded harsh. He was a very nice guy but just not for me at all. I mean, he has been working at a grocery store for 9 years. He hasn’t gone to school. No ambition. None.

Anyway, in other news… hmmm… there’s really no further news.

I guess I could say I feel zapped. I feel like a well run dry. I feel blah. I know that I’m starting to feel like my life will start when I have my new place. But I have to avert those thoughts and continue to do things and enjoy my time from school.

Oígame. Ya es tiempo para segir adelante. Tengo metas, y las cumpliré.

Aveces cuando cierro mis ojos, peinso en un lugar no tan lejos. El ambiente es quieto y estoy relajado en el sofa, tal vez leyendo una novela. Me gusta imaginar que hay un él que se esta sentado cerca de me. Pero este no tiene cara. No tiene voz ni pies. Espero que conozca a alguien con quien puedo vivir feliz.

Aveces pienso que nunca pasará. Pero tengo que guardar la esperanza.

“I’m really a cat you see, and it’s not my last life at all.”

bringing it back in

How well do I know myself? Who am I? What makes me, me?

Funny, but when I try and answer myself this question, I always say "Well, I like Madonna." It seems that that is only thing that has been constant in my life. I no longer attend the church I once thought I'd die for. My parents have drawn close in some aspects and built up walls in others.
Though it pains me to say it, I am just not very close to my parents. I'm not really close to anyone. I fear I will be rejected or forgotten or have to start playing by their rules in order to be loved. I've done that my whole life. "I'll be loved if..." I still don't understand this much myself so I certainly can't write much coherency about it.

But I realized over time, over much time, that I don't know myself. That I carry the same set of rules with myself. "Ryan, you will be good and acceptable when and if..." Usually followed by phrases such as "Get 6-pack abs" or "become a straight A student again."

Pretty much I have always wanted myself to become perfect but I never have been. I've let myself down not being attracted to women. I've let myself down needing more than 4 hours of sleep a night and not being able to read and study through the night. I've let myself down for eating several chocolate chip cookies yesterday.

It seems I'm my worst critic.

Well, I've decided that since I've only got one life, I'm going to do it better and stop living by these rules that I picked up as truths somewhere along the way.

I've forgotten to live MY life. I want so desperately to fit into these molds I cast myself that I forget to relax and live and enjoy moments. And learn that there's a time to play and a time to work.

Why else do I fall for people so much? I feel like I have to make them like me cuz anyone with any sense wouldn't waste 30 seconds with me.

So I'm dating myself. I'm going to get to know me. I'm going to get comfortable with myself. I'm going to take myself to the movies. I'm going to spend time just reading with myself and having thoughtful discussions about what I've read. I'm going to go to the gym and be workout partners with myself. Everything I've wanted in a mate I will be myself.

I'm getting my own apartment in Feb. This will require me to live with myself too.

I have a general idea what I'm going to do, but details are not specified. I think I'm going to try and make the most of each moment, and learn about me and how I handle situations.

I'll keep you posted.

Forbidden Love

Last night I read the short story "Brokeback Mountain." It was simply amazing. I know what it's like wishing you could let someone go, yearning to not have feelings for them, even living in denial to escape what you don't want to feel. These days it's a familiar story, but BM seems to tell the tale differently. These men fight it, but give in to emotions they just don't understand.

"I wish I could quit you."

That is my favorite line from the story.
The title of the story itself implies something that will never be completely whole, something that can never survive because of it's mere nature and those whom it influences.

I never knew what it was to cry and feel the pain of love until I let myself fall for a man. I never felt like I couldn't go on unless he was in my life. I felt like he was my sun, the faith by which I lived, the potential of my voice, the feet which which I walked. He was my love, my desires to laugh. He was a goodbye I didn't know how to say, I couldn't live without him.
I felt if one day he were ever to leave me, I would close all the doors so that he couldn't ever leave. I gave him my silence, my nose, my bones, just to keep him here.

But it was a boy. A boy evoked all those emotions from me. Why a girl can't I always wonder.

But I only have one chance at this life. We all do. We've only got one as Frou Frou says. But after being raised to behave and think in a certain way, it's just too difficult to deviate from that mind set.

BM captured this so well.

hmmmm

I think due to the recent tumultuous events regarding relationships, I have taken on the notion that love is a story that unfolds much the same way for me. First there are excitement and anticipation, followed by uncertainty and suspicion, and then it ends. I’m seeing a few guys right now, again, and honestly I feel like a spectator. I’m just hanging around to see the story; front row seats in my own life.

I’m not terribly worried about any of them actually liking me. They all are showing the same signs as what I’m used to. Maybe if I could learn to use people in a heartless, cold manner. Course I’d have to learn an evil way to laugh, and maybe get a cape. This is going to take some preparation.

But really, I feel like love is a concept in the past I thought I understood, but now I feel like it’s a fable told by rabbits. I think this is the absolute refractory period for my heart.

have you got it in you?

So I'm always the one to be the friend. Which I don't mind. I'm good at being a friend. I think sometimes I just wish I could let people know that there is someone out there who thinks they are great. Not every person, a few in particular.

It seems that sometimes guys think I want to get in their pants when all I want to do is get to know them cuz I think they are nice people. And they push me away. And if I tell them I'm not interested beyond friendship, they take offense or get embarresed.

So I just try and be there. Be there. Be there. And be there. It's silly really. But that's who I am.

I know where beauty lives

Today is world aids day. This day has caused me to take a step back and re-evaluate everything and do some introspection. I feel like this day was a gift, as they all are. I will get up tomorrow morning, I will go to school tomorrow, I will go to work tomorrow. I will watch Swept Away tomorrow (I’ve never seen it and was told to have plenty of booze on hand).

I will breathe tomorrow.

How great is that? A blessing.

I work at a pharmacy and I have come to see there is a small, yet noticeable difference between patients. I find that patients who are on meds for pain or something temporary, who could cut down on their drug dependency if they would improve their lifestyle, are the ones who are trouble. They are the ones screaming about insurance, about things not running according to their schedules. They are the ones that you take a deep breath before greeting. But the ones who are on meds because it is making a difference in a situation they have no control over, they are much calmer and grateful. This is all generally speaking, but I have noticed the difference.

I wonder how the world would be if we all had such an apparent count down hanging over us. Would the world become dark and troublesome? Would friends lose contact with each other? Would people hurt others for personal gain? Maybe so.
Or would the air smell sweeter? Would you stop and take time to appreciate the clouds, or how your favorite shirt feels next to your skin. The rhythm and warmth of your nephew’s breath on your neck as he’s sleeping. I like to think I would chose the latter, and I think that I will. I may not have aids, but I’m still moral. I don’t know where a car is that has my name on it, or what the future brings.

This makes all my other worries and fusses silly and small.

These days are here, at least for me, to make me realize that I’m human, and so is everyone around me. And reminds me that since we’re human together, we should fight diseases like aids together and stop fighting each other. How far could we advance as a human race? I’m not one to stick my neck out and try and change the world, but changing myself is something I am one for.

It’s world aids day, I could just as easily think of it as world human hope day.

“A man can tell a thousand lies / I’ve learned my lesson well / hope I live to tell the secret I have learned / till then it will burn inside of me.”

it needs to be said, but not to their face

Dear S,
Hmm, what you said; you decided this all on your own. I still think you’re running away. From what I don’t know, but I hope you find what it is you lack or are looking for. And for what it’s worth, I still think you took the easy way out.

Dear P,
You’ve made it quite obvious that you’re around for friends only. That’s cool. Though my too-fast-moving self might want more, based solely on the fact that physically you are the epitome of my type, I will hold back and concentrate on the fact that I know you are not what I’m looking for in a man. But GOD you’re beautiful. If I were a player and didn’t get all involved when I’m physical with someone I like, I’d totally work to get in your pants. GRRRRR!!!!

Dear C,
I’m still wondering some as to when you grew up and away so quickly.

Dear A,
I’m not attracted to girls in a relationship sense, but every time I’ve been down or sad, I think about you, and how you inspire me, how you are there with advice for me when I need it. I think about how I have leaned on you so many times I can’t count them. I’m scared to really think much more about it.

Dear Imogen Heap,
I think I love you, from an I-love-your-words-and-ideas point of view.

Dear R,
I know that your heart is still tender, and still hurts from time to time. I see it every time I see your broken smile. It’s not what it used to be. I understand that you’re at a point where you need to be alone and heal. But remember that you are loved. I know it’s not the same, but when the days get brighter again and that hole in your soul is filled up rather than just plastered over, you’ll be radiant once again.

Dear M,
I love your new album a lot, but lately what I’ve seen you wearing is less than flattering. Please stop trying to usher in a new wave of neo-70s.

Dear Brittany,
I really don’t care for the direction you took in your life. You are known for making hasty decisions that need to be annulled in the morning. Seriously, keep the kid, but as for the other, I think it’s morning. Seriously.

Dear Mariah,
I really don’t like you, nor your music. Really not anything about you, but for some reason I think I will give you a chance. Just one more.

So I’ve been musing what I could write about today. I’m enjoying this space I have to jot down whatever little thoughts might make their way into my head and want to be released.
I’ve been thinking of getting my own place. Yup, getting rid of the roommate situation. I’ve really wanting that for sometime now. And I think that the time is nearing. But there are a few things I need to make sure will happen before I do that. I need to see if my mom is ready to sell me her old furniture, or if g’ma will be wanting to sell me hers. They are both ready to buy new furniture and have told me they’d sell me theirs for really cheap. So I’m thinking I might instigate this reaction. I would LOVE to have my own space. But I might get lonely, but loniness is something I really need to become familiar with. I need to be alone for a time. No boys, no roommates, no distractions. I need to focus on me for a time. “Yes, I’m ready to jump!”

Also today An Imogen Heap song jumped out at me, grabbed me and shook me up. It was saying exactly what I was looking for in a song. I like the music I listen to to describe how I’m feeling, it’s something I’ve always done. I think everyone does that. But it’s called “The Walk.” It discusses about how she isn’t in a place to like someone, yet she’s feeling like for someone. That’s me. The Sunday date was a lot of fun, and I know that I could like him too much, and get stuck in the same cycle all over again. No thank you. So I am just going to continue walking without him. I’ll keep his number for a rainy day as the song goes. But other than that I am not going to let myself even fall the least for him. Like I want to call him tonight and see how he’s doing, but I’m not going to. If he wants to talk, then he can call me.

sometimes my thoughts come out differently

Paul wasn’t aware that he was being watched. He meticulously diced the tomatoes deep in his thoughts. The bright kitchen lights were illuminating everything, everything except what workings his neurons produced deep inside his head. Eric watched the dust settle in Paul’s heavy eyes. The small fire crackled producing extra warmth in their comfortable apartment on this cold Manhattan night. He had known for about a month now that Paul was drifting away. Had he met someone new? What was going on?
Eric had tread very lightly lately, not asking too many questions and allowing Paul his space; his heart slowly losing feeling, preparing itself for the inevitable.
Paul looked up, met Eric’s eyes, and smiled weakly; embarrassed he had been caught. Eric lowered his eyes embarrassed he too had been caught.
The night ensued mostly in silence, exchanging only a few pleasantries.

The following morning was Sunday and they usually attended a small church service followed by brunch at a café just across the street. Much to Eric’s surprise, Paul got ready just as he had most of the Sundays since they moved in together four years prior. Their six year anniversary was nearing. Eric wondered if they would make it to that mark. He would keep the apartment; Paul always talked about wanting to get out of the city, off the east coast altogether. He had friends in Phoenix that they would go visit in the winter to get out of the cold for a few days. Eric suspected that that is where Paul will go.

After brunch Paul opened the newspaper and settled in the big chair by the bay window and Eric began to pick up around the apartment and wrote a few letters to some friends with whom he had needed to get caught up. He bored them with news of his job, and the slow renovations he and Paul had been making in the apartment. “Do you want to walk to mail these with me?” he asked Paul. To his surprise again that day, Paul conceded.

The air was chilly, but the sun was out and when in the sun warmth could be detected. They walked in the usual silence and dropped the letters off. Eric turned to go home when Paul grabbed his hand, “Eric,” he said. “I know I’ve been distant lately and very unfair to you, and I know that you are giving me space, and I thank you for that.” Eric was bewildered. This was the longest sentence Paul had said to him in weeks, and addressing what was thick in the air at that. “Eric, I do love you. I’ve been doubting about if this is the right thing, if we belong together. But last night when I saw you looking at me, I realized that I’ve been far away from you and you knew it. And I’ve been lonely with you right there, always ready to give me what I need. And I realized that that’s what’s been missing in my life; you’ve been missing from my life because I’ve pushed you away, not wanting to accept the fact that I am human and that I need you, I need what you give me. I need your love, your smile, your touch, your laugh, your tears. They… you are a part of me now. And I’ve realized that, I’ve accepted that, and I love that I love you and need you.”

the hunter and the hunted

We've all been on both ends of it. Admit it. We've been hurt and we've hurt. But no matter how many times I may have been in either position, it never seems to get much easier.

Shall we just say I'm nursing my wounds right now. But I finally understand that I need to be alone, single, date me for a time. I don't know how one individual can have such a string of unsuccessful relationships as I have. Is it my luck? Is it me?

But I'm really not trying to pin-point what is wrong. Instead I'm taking a step back. There is obviously something with me that needs improvement.
And I'm starting with the thing I know will be the most difficult for me: Solitude.

I'm hoping that in this time I will be able to focus on me and learn to really be happy with who I am. I'm tired of falling all over a guy the minute he shows some affection in my path.
Also I fear I have been living a selfish existence, and so I need to correct those two things.

So I have two very simple goals. The first is to live in Gratitude each day. It's not mine for the taking, it's mine as a gift.
And I am going to focus on myself. I went on a date with a wonderful guy yesterday. I've been admiring him for sometime now, but I had a talk with myself last night, and I know that this will end up no different if I go about it the same way. I'm prepared that this may never happen because right now I'm not in the position to try and date. I jump from date to date, man to man.

I choose these two because I feel they balance each other. I could get very egocentric fast, which is why I need to keep a thankful, and humble heart. And work at keeping it.

And then I ask what about me? I'm getting lost in my pursuit of acceptance by another.

This will be something very hard for me. I'm not good at being alone. I get insecure fast. I feel like the world is turning without me. I feel forgotten. But I'll just have to learn how. There are many things about me that I don't know, and it's time I spent some time with myself, to learn to like and love me, before I can have the foundation to give love to another.

No U-turns, and the daffodils look lovely today

I think it’s finally beginning to click. So much doesn’t add up, because I’m using imaginary numbers. I realized that I was looking for something more where it doesn’t exist.

Three songs in a row came on my ipod… kinda freaky but it just seemed to finally push that lever to the “realize” position in my head…

“Bye Bye Baby”
“Power of Goodbye”
“Has to Be”

“I keep on waiting anticipating, but I can’t wait forever. You say you (like) me, you’re thinking of me, but we’re never together.”

“Your heart is not open, so I must go. The spell has been broken, I loved you so. You were my lesson I had to learn, I was your fortress you had to burn.”

“I know there’s someone out there, waiting for me. There must be someone out there, there just has to be.”

I deserve better than what I’m receiving. He has said just friends+, but I guess I was focusing on the + portion of it. Well, I’ve graduated from that different kind of school. I’m moving on. I’ve been hoping that he’d come around, but nope. No luck for that. So I move on.

But I’m not going to do any “break-up” anything. I’m just going to drift away. Maybe there will be something in the future, maybe not. But I move on.

“I always wished that I could find someone as beautiful as you, but in the process I forgot that I was special too. I always wished that I could find someone as talented as you, but in the process if forgot that I am just as good as you.”

Thinking straight

My mind kicks into overdrive to reason craziness. I don’t like it. I don’t like having to fight myself.
I don’t like being clingy-obsessive.
I don’t like needing you here now. I want you to have your space and time to breathe and think.
I wish I wanted that too.
I wish I didn’t think you were lying. I know you’re telling me the truth I need to hear.
Why do I doubt you? I doubt everyone I’m interested in.
No matter who,
I doubt you tell me the truth.
I try not to lie and I don’t. Truth is all I try to say.

I’ve got it bad for you. What’s best for me is to be alone for a time and learn silence, internally.

---------------------------------------------

Bury my heart in my controlling mind. Mindset of single and ever more. Focus on school. Sorrow is ever a guest in my soul. You only meant well. It’s all for the best, but you decided that on your own.

closing in

I'm feeling closer to that breaking point. When I need to just start living the way my life is in my head. I am learning each day to let things be.

It is what it is.

I am trying really hard to not define things with S and I and I am slowly understanding that he probably is kinda scared to date someone like me. He needs space and understanding. I can give both because I'm learning to give both at the same time.

But I know that I do like him. And I do hope we continue as we are.

Seriously

It really is an incredible album. Even my hip-hop homie likes 4 of the 12 songs. So there is something for everyone.

Confessions on a Dancefloor is incredible... my favorite songs are "Sorry" and "Jump." They are beyond what I was hoping for.

you push me

So have you ever had a thought in the back of your head, and you think about it, and then send it back to the back of your mind? And then it comes back and you entertain it again, and then send it back to where it was? And then it comes back again and you muse over it for a time, and return it? And then there comes a time when you try and figure out what next step you need to take, and like a bat out of hell that thought smacks you in the head? Yeah, me too.

I'M BACK!!!

That's right bitches, I'm back! I have been in dowdyville long enough. I am too great a person to worry about if some indecisive person likes me or not. Tonight I have the strength to take my life off the waiting list and do my own thing.

(He is still a friend+, but I guess it finally clicked that essentially all we are, are friends. So me moping for him will get me nowhere. Maybe with time we'll be more, but until then I have a life I need to live).

And live I will.

I have my friends that I need to keep in touch with, there are new boys out there who will like me and who I will like in return. I forget at times that S wasn't the beginning and he certainly isn't the end. I do like him, but I was losing myself. That is where my unhappiness comes from.

"I'd take two if I was you."

I looked in the mirror this morning. Though it was only for a few seconds, the image remained in my mind's eye. I realized that I looked and felt about what I saw as I do a stranger.

some background on the subject: I have never been a fan of what the mirror has reflected when I peer in. And there are even times that people are talking to me and in the back of my mind I feel bad for them because I know what visage they are having to endure. This isn't healthy.

I mused while frantically getting ready that I might need to start staring in the mirror and learning to like what I see. This goes back to that whole confidence thing. I need to get there. But I do wish at times I could trade this one in for something custom made. It's funny but I've always felt that my body isn't me. It's just a form that I've taken on, but I'm something totally different.

Well, I have my goals physically, and I'm the only one standing in my way.

learning each day to be freinds...

So I may have defined S as a filler. Something that my life lacked that I should is some way be able to provide for myself, but am incapable of doing so.

I changed my mind.

We talked today. We got on the same page. We are not boyfriends. We are not just freinds. He told me that right now all he can give is some vague more than friendship, but not much more than friendship.
He explained his life. I know what he is going through, or I can appreciate it. He's starting over and though he would never say scared, he is scared out of his mind. Uncertainty is a constant companion each day in his life. He's trying to be brave but it's draining him.

All I ask is that he is honest with me. I don't think that he isn't. I realized today that I am willing to slow things down. I might just be able to learn how to be slow, and to like and possibly love someone (one day), and not get jealous and worry that I am being kept around only to be hurt.

I realized that it's not all about me.
He is going through enough. I know that I want to be there to help but all he can handle is a meager, undefined "friends..." The ellipses meaning "and a little more."
I feel like I won today. I won a battle that has been raging within my soul for years now. How if something doesn't fit the mold I have created in my mind, then it's not good enough and must be cast out. I bended to something new. Accepting that we will just be friends... For a time. We may become more, we may not. I might find someone, he might too. But for the time being, this is what we have. I need to learn to freaking chill out. And this will help me to do that. If I see him out at a party or at a bar and we hadn't contacted each other, or he didn't tell me then I will accept that. After all, we are only friends.... Yes lots of questions are forming in my mind, what if I see him with another boy, what if I hear that he is dating someone else? I guess I would have to remember what he and I share, and I will have to talk with him.

Communication is key. As long as we keep open and honest communication then I don't worry. I trust him.

He was sweet in asking if I'm already into him, then am I capable of just backing off to just friends.... I had to hear it from his mouth. He didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know, but just hearing it from his mouth. That made the difference for me. I know that, though it will take work on my part, I know that friends... will work for me.

Where is it going to go? What will happen in four days, weeks, or months? I don't know. But then do you ever really know what is going to happen even with a spoken vow?
We trust each day that fate will allow us one more breath, one more smile, one more kiss.

I'm learning to just let things be. It is what it is. Let it will be.

Time Out

I am heading out to visit the family. This has been a crazy, tumultuous week. I feel like I just need a time to clear my head and straighten out my heart.

This guy is hot. I thought I'd leave a delightful something. And I love Madonna and her new album is AMAZING!!!

still getting there

More and more each day, I have realized that S was just filling a hole in my life. I don’t have any particular affinity for him. He was nice and cute. He was fun to talk to. But I can’t deny that things began to go in a sour direction. There was a loss of magic in the air when we were together. I recognized all this, I just didn’t want to open up the space again.
Maybe he felt that. I don’t know what happened. We just moved on in separate directions.

Today was fine until I got into work. I just didn’t have the energy levels to deal with the energy sucking atmosphere that work was today. There were a few times that I wanted to just walk out and leave. Not tell anyone where I was going because I didn’t know myself. But leaving was what I wanted to do.

I’m going home to my parent’s house tomorrow. I think a break in the cycle of my life is what I need. Badly.

But I knew that it would be hard. I’ve been weighing negative thoughts into my life for so long that trying to up-beat and positive is something that takes much energy out of me. And it’s easy to lose sight of my goal. I just want to curl up and cry today. But I’m going to just move on with my life. Things happen for a reason. In no time I’ll be fine again, no problem.

“There’s only so much you can learn in one place. The more that I wait the more time that I waste.”

Progression in the right direction

Those who run seem to have all the fun. It’s time I stop waiting and get moving… I’ve wasted enough time waiting for guys to come around.

I have been basing my self-worth on the approval and attention of others. This is making me unhappy. I need to reach and attain my goals and keep them in sight.
A lot of unhappiness has come from me waiting for someone. I plan my life around them. I lose sight of my goals and forget about myself. That only hurts me in the end.

I’m attracted to ambition and confidence. I need to obtain both. I am going to start thinking positively.

I’m going to live unapologetically. Take me or leave me. I’m not going to waste my time wondering if I’m good enough for you. I’m a great guy with a lot to offer, I can’t wait around for you to make up your mind.

Positive thinking isn’t something that comes naturally to my when I think about myself.

A wrote:
We are put into each other's lives for a reason, even if for just a short while. People change and some grow. This is inevitable, and not always do two people grow in the same direction. This doesn't mean that it's someone's fault, but it really is just a part of life. You have to keep along your own path. You need to continue to grow and learn and better yourself. Someone will come along that is walking in the same direction. I'm not sure if anything is forever. When you are searching for the "One" or Mr. Right or Mr. Perfect, you're just setting yourself for failure. There is no such thing. People and relationships aren't perfect, they'll never be. Imagine trying to be happy with just yourself, see how hard that is? Now imagine trying to keep that up and someone else's happiness. That will exhaust a man very fast. It's true though, you really need to be complete with yourself. How can you expect someone to make you happy when you can't make yourself happy? It all starts with you, only you can save yourself

Let It Be

So why am I so worried that he will never call? I have tried and tried to let him be the one to call and now I need to just do it. I have a suspition that he's just sticking around because I am making it so convenient for him.

Last night was fun. Just chilling on Mill with some friends, and then Mr. Dr. and I started texting and it was nice hearing from him. I'll admit that some feelings for him were scratched to the surface briefly and I'm still trying to let them go. Let him go.

But the boy that I'm currently interested in, I just don't think that he is interested in me, in a relationship. It's the actions. He seems to always call his friends but never seems to get a call my way. I think I need to jump from this plateau with him and move on. I've been a fool in a waiting room, hoping that he will call out my number. But it seems that my number isn't a concern of his.

"Yes I'm ready to jump." -Madonna

Scary though. But I guess I need to just move on and let life be what it is. I know that remembering myself and keeping my life in perspective is what I need.
I don't ask for much, just some recognition. I'm letting him call me, and I may never hear from him again. Am I ready for that? No. But I will never be ready for it. It's a bridge I'll have to cross when I get there.

Two different worlds. My heart feels alone, but that's why McCullers said it's a lonely hunter. Lonely definitely. I wish I were strong. I'll get strong with time.

I guess I'm setting myself up for the worst. I can't keep worrying about things. I'm trying to play it cool, and that is what I'll do.

The MD sure was fun back in our day. Despite the 20 years difference, I was the one trying to keep up with him. He had an intensity that would infiltrate my soul and I remember I couldn't sleep next to him, his mind still moving 1000 miles a second even in still slumber. But it was fun. He was fun. It was a paradox being insanely attracted to him yet knowing that it just wouldn't ever be, and being okay with that.

On Your Mark, Get Set....

confessions on a dancefloor is great. I love it. It is definitely a driving album... I need to test it out... San Diego anyone?

It's also a great high-energy album. Dancefloors, work ear-phones, gym... it's all going to get heavy rotation.

10 mins typing unedited

Dear S,

I need to tell you what is on my mind. I’m in a very volatile state right now. At least my emotions are. I am trying to deal with my best friend essentially breaking up with me. We were joined at the hip, and well, now I haven’t spoken to him in about two months. We had plans to go to LA for Halloween that were in the works since the 4th of July and so I’m trying to cope with that. I know that I won’t make up excuses to stay at home and not go out into the world that I feel has it in for me.
But I will tell you that I don’t feel capable to try and be anything more than friends with you. You are a great guy, and I have really enjoyed the past times we have shared. But I feel I cannot try and date someone right now. I worry that you don’t like me, I’m scared that you’re going to hurt me. I don’t trust you. I am suspicious as to why you say we’ll hand out and then I don’t hear from you until I call. Right now in my heart… I don’t know what my heart feels. That was the point of this letter: to get to the basis of my heart’s feelings. Right now I enjoy the attention from you. But my heart has not let you in. Even a little bit. It’s my head that is upset. I am feeling that I’m going to be rejected yet again by someone I care for. We are too different. I think that you are seeing other people, and I am just an angry bitch right now. A confused, angry bitch.
I wish that things would work out, but I just don’t want to take that chance right now. I need to concentrate on my school work. Until I am able to perform well in my classes and do well in work, then I’ll be able to begin to seek out other of my heart’s desires. Until then, I must only offer friendship to you. We can only be just friends. A good friend you will be. I know that I do not occupy any real place in your heart and therefore I only ask friends.

PS. I’m not stupid, and not going to be so. You are just like K, and J. I am silly AGAIN. But I leave. I leave. My time will come.

Keep Dry. Try At The Least.

I’ve felt very distant lately. Like even when writing on my own blog I am a stranger, a visitor. And the real Ryan may not be happy with the content that I have written.

But only in I plunge.

I watched Mansfield Park this weekend and thoroughly enjoyed it. But I have liked most of the Jane Austen type movies.

Hmm, I just got bored of complaining about love. I guess I’m not even going to start on it then. It’s making me mad that this always happens to me.

Here are some sentences I wrote:

Since I met you I never let my heart show anymore.
Since you came into my life I remind myself nothing will last forever.
When you enter my thoughts a chill runs though my soul.
You were my lesson to learn to never give my heart out fully again.

Stepped on, left out in the cold, brushed off.
Looked over, quieted when I tried to speak.
You always seemed so gracious to take and receive.

I knew what to expect from you when you stopped calling and coming ‘round.
Despite that I realized you were just playing and I had lost the game.
I still hurt knowing I showed you my hand, trusting you with my heart.

I count myself as part of the blame; I was naïve and a bit ignorant.
I gave my heart to your words, I believed when you said I was special.
Your smile and kind eyes deceived me of the cold truth you kept secret.

Yeah, I know that was just more complaining, that which I wasn’t going to do from the beginning. Maybe I got it out of my system.

I’m learning why the caged bird sings and what it feels like being on the last-chance street car when it goes off the tracks.

prop me up with another pill

I'm nervous. I had this huge entry that got lost, somewhere. Oh well. I'm still learning to just breathe and not make things happen but let them happen. In a relationship sense.

Date tonight and I don't feel like going. But I think it will go well. I like the guy, but I know that I'm fine with or without him in my life. So far so good on that I want him in my life. We'll see though. He may turn out too flakey.

But I need to remember it's his life too. And he's doing something that he doesn't have to. I thought about it. He is starting a new job, like a total career change. He just got back from vacation. A friend of his is flying in tonight. And he's still meeting up with me. It seems his life is really kinda crazy right now, and he still is willing to see me. That says enough for me. I think I'm going to concentrate on this: rather then pick apart all that he isn't doing, I'm going to concentrate on all that he is doing.

it's your life, it's my life

So when was the last time I went on about Madonna? Love her new single. I wish her the best. I remember that when I was younger I would get stomach knots hoping that she does well on the charts and sales and such. But I have to tell myself that she's a big girl and obviously is doing well on her own, and my worries don't help much. Who else has been around for so long? I wish she and Mariah Carey would kiss and make up. Their feud upsets me. I don't care for carey's music, but I respect her as a musician.

1-888-226-6337

Here is the confession I left for Madonna:

"From time to time when I see a particular coworker, I get the urge to strip him naked and kiss and caress his freshly exposed skin. I want to explore his body with my lips and make passionate love to him. I want to look into his eyes and lose myself and help bring his dreams to fruition being in the front row of his life. I want to love him. Then I catch myself and realize how ridiculous that all sounds, and I go back to work."

and if I fall I get up again now

I guess sometimes you just have to watch the days go by, watch the hours pass, count the minutes and seconds. Sometimes you have to reflect how silly it was, the way you acted. Sometimes you have to be grateful for the time that was shared, reflecting on the good and the fun. Sometimes you have to content yourself it wasn't meant to go any further.

The time we shared. The small kisses we gave. The engaging conversations. The movies we cuddled during.

I'm not too proud to say that it was good. I'll look back on those times as one might look back on an outstanding summer vacation. A beginning full of possibilities but always aware that an end was inevitable. But I don't cry, I smile.

Somewhat Indignant

I wonder if you go the dungeon to make peace with your days of hurt.
Writing you a letter gave no more peace than what I felt when we weren’t speaking.
I used to think you were kissed by God full on the lips.

I just have no ambition to try and resurrect what we had.
You said so many things that were easily refuted.
But the conversation began to lack anyway, I’m kinda happy you’ve shut your stuff off.

You know how much you hated to be interrupted, you were so egocentric.
It always had to be about you. I like the fact that you’re nothing like me.
You gloated of your charmed life, and never seemed to understand the rest of us.

I was tired of your jeckyl and hydeness, why did I put up with it?
You need a figurative slap on the wrist.
Nothing here allotted will make an ounce of difference.

I was in the front row, I saw you close up.
I was your friend, that’s why I loved you regardless.
And that’s all I asked for in return. Why?

Sex is Not the Enemy

I miss the raunchy Madonna sometimes. Whatever happened to the Blond Ambition Bitch? There is lots of stress in my life right now. This pic has always been one of my favorites, I think the guy's ass is hot and his legs, and of course, I love Madonna! This was a secret picture I tood with my phone when I was in the Special Collections at ASU Library. I felt so dirty. I feel so dirty putting this on my page. But today I'm not too worried about if I offend someone. It's just a reminder that it's my blog.

"Edwin?"

I am thinking this will be me come Halloween.

be sure to eat ya din-din

I finally saw Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? and really enjoyed it. But mostly fell in love with Bette Davis. Growing up my mother forbade us to watch really anything with her in it, because she hated Bette Davis saying she was an evil woman. After doing some research (and watching some of Mommy Dearest) I think Joan Crawford was much worse. I really liked Ms. Davis's humor. She could laugh at herself, and gosh I think she was a beautiful woman.



I don't want anyone to think my mother was, well, "dearest" hehe, but it was tough as a child. But now as an adult I fully understand and recognize that I have the ability to realize she was doing it the best she knew how and I have chosen to let the hurt go and get to know my mother as an adult, and we have a much better relationship. It still is hard at times, but well worth it. She's my mom afterall.

justify me the next best thing

I used to have a day dream, or even a fantasy. It was set to ATB’s “I wanna cry” Every time I would hear that song, I would imagine me and my partner speeding along in the mountains just out side of San Diego at night, going home after visiting the family in AZ. It was quiet in the cab, I’m in the passenger’s seat with my hand on his leg and he has both hands on the steering wheel, speeding around the corners that the head lights illuminate. There is a tension in the cab as he drives, we both are anxious to get home and we are on the final stretch before entering the metropolitan area. There is a trust that he will get us there safe and sound, and a quiet understood love between us. It’s a nice picture. It represents the life I have with him. We love and trust each other. We are happy and content. While things are not perfect (I wish he wouldn’t go so fast) in our relationship, we work them out. I am there for him as he is for me.’

But lately I have found that this same scenario when played in my head to the song generally consists of me alone in the car with sleeping dogs (do dogs sleep in cars?) on the seat next to me. I’m still anxious to get home to SD but home alone I go. There is no one else. I worry just a little bit. I cannot trust people. I feel that they are going to hurt me, well, deliberately hurt me in the end. So I find it’s better to be alone and not go from relationship to relationship. I just can’t do that.

Am I it, or could you get more? It seems that guys are always looking for a better thing. I wonder if the time they spent and invested with someone will ever mean anything. Sure I may not be the most beautiful or the smartest or wealthiest, but I’m willing to give love a shot with you. I’m willing to put myself out there, and hope you are too. Does that count for anything? Sometimes I feel it doesn’t and never will.

hablo en silencio

Break you down, only someone left.
Save your lies.
Save your pretence.
Save your life you created.
For another.
I want to see the black spots on your soul.
I want to see the infant reaching for the hot stove.
I want to see you.

Play you down, not much left.
I don’t care that you have met.
I don’t care that you recognize.
I don’t care that you recall, that you saw.
It’s all just human.
I care that you are.
I care for your light.
I care for your soul.

Bring you down, I wrap you up.
Let me close you.
Let me know you.
Let me hear your blood flow.
Know I want,
Know I care,
Know I am,
You are beautiful, you are beauty.

behind a closed door

My head’s in a cloud today. The sky is my hat and the stars are in my eyes. I’m seeing things in a real sense, I feel so comfortable with where I am right now. But I remain aware that this is a high and the low will come again. But I try and learn from the lows as I do the highs.

Another day. Just breathing. Another day. Just breathing.

I’m learning to focus and concentrate on the journey and not the destination.
Understanding that pretty little definitions do not exist as commonly as I’d like in life.
Really trying to concentrate on the journey and not the destination. Remaining open to possibilities and just trying to learn about people and situations through the everyday occurrences.

some say love

I find that I’m everywhere and nowhere these days. My heart is afraid of breaking. My heart has been handed out too early, too quickly, too much. I simply cannot be taken right now. A perfect man has come into my life and I simply don’t feel anything for him. I think it’s a good thing. Friends are all we could be anyway. I just recognize that I’m not all over him like I would be had he entered my life a month ago.

I find I’m becoming happy at the though of a descent into anonymity. Disappearing from the scene… keeping in touch but attending house functions over bar attendance. Also giving much time to my studies and accomplishing my goals. That is something I know I need to do.

There’s something different in the air too. I can’t place my finger on it, but there is something brewing. Maybe my nerves from the midterm tomorrow.

good things still come from TX

This is David Carr. Hot. I don't really follow football, but I just might start.

All I ever knew

Looking from a window above,
Watching this story we call love.
Seems like it started yesterday.
It was getting harder to stay.

Sometimes I think of your name,
How to you it was a game.
I see the blue-grey sky.
It sees me when I cry.

Can you hear me? I want you near me.

All I needed was the love you gave.
That was all I needed for another day.
Please understand I always knew
All I ever needed was you.

I sit behind a closed door,
Numb, I can’t take anymore.
All the words that you said,
Not making sense in my head.

I wish my memory would rest
Forgetting you is now best.
This will take me a long time
I wonder what’s left is mine.

I need you.
When I see you.

All I needed was the love you gave.
All I needed was another day.
I know that you always knew,
All I ever needed was you.

you've taken my breath away but I've never held it for you

Time goes by so slowly. Not much to say. I wish you would open your heart to me. But I won't stand in your way. simplement je ne veux pas. I don't want to complicate things. I want to help you succeed. I don't want to be your lover. I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to be your enemy. I don't want to be your partner. I don't want to be an obstruction.

I just want to be undefined apart of your life.

I don't want to hang in the shadows, nor do I want to embrace the light. Let me just be there with you. This isn't love. This isn't hate. This isn't anything but a positive feeling. Bells don't ring when you're there. My life isn't stopped when you're gone.

But there is something good about you. Otherwise I wouldn't expel this energy in your name.

hmmmm

"Where do you stand morally?"

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

THE SITUATION:

You are in New Orleans.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo journalist working for a major newspaper and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer.

Somehow the man looks familiar.

You suddenly realize who it is.It's the President, George W. Bush.

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options - you can save the life of the President, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most famous men.

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

poisoning my own head

He said, "I like you and I want to let you into my heart, but first you'll need to change everything you are."

He said, "I'm going out with a friend. Ryan, he's just a friend. I'll call you when dinner is done."
--There was never a phone call that night, or ever again.--

He said, "I like you because you're smart and engaging in conversation. But you'd better put out before I lose interest."

He said, "I like where this is going, it feels really good. I think we click well together. But I've found someone else closer to my age, I'll call you soon."

So what's weighing on your mind, Ryan? And spare us no details.

I've really tried, however unsuccessful, to keep from whining on this blog. But today I just want to send all my worries out there. I need to get them off my chest and this is the only place I thought I could express them all.

Firstly, I have to write an organic chemistry lab paper tonight. It was my own fault for waiting until the last minute but it's nonetheless nerve-wracking. I hate writing lab reports. There is always SOMETHING that I failed to mention. I have yet to hear of anyone writing a perfect lab report first time through. I'll bet that's why you always get a bad grade. Because the TA who is grading it is pissed off at the professor for picking his report apart who is upset at his colleagues for being so critical of his thesis 20 years ago. It's a vicious cycle.

The next item of business is my friends. It seems we have drifted apart. While I have enjoyed the time away from them, getting to know new people and explore different facets of my life, it seems that they are gone for good. They have formed a little clique and I'm not apart of it. I've done ugly things to one especially. And so I cannot feel the victim at all in his case. But another seems to be playing along with him. I want to feel mad at them, I want to scream and holler at them, but I can't. I respect one enough to just let them go. If they feel that is better, then I won't stand in their way. I guess I'll have to move on.
Course I have enjoyed being back to just me. It's something I know well. And I like being a drifter, floating from person to group depending on my mood at the time. But I'll admit it was nice to have a home team too.

The third is I found out why I was suddenly dropped by one for whom I cared deeply. He was dating me and another at the same time. I understand that and do it myself. But I don't go telling someone that I really like the direction we are going in and that I like him and I can't wait to see him again and then NOT CALL EVER AGAIN. I usually tell him that it's just not going to work out.
But I found out that my competition was a 37-year-old guy. I'm sure he is out of school, has a steady job. Probably even a dog. The guy I fell for was 43. I know, I know. It's good in the long run, but right now my heart is heavy. It's not sad anymore because I found out I was too young, I have a reason to hang on to. And I can accept that. I just wish that we could have spent a little more time together. I knew he and I weren't going to last, but I feel like my five-day ticket to Disneyland expired two days early.

I'm also stressing about moving. More so that with school and the advancement of technology most of my classes are heavily dependent on internet access, and high-speed access at that. It's going to be an investment to get internet. And I don't feel like making that expense right now. Sigh.

Thankfully things with the parents are going really well and I spent the evening with my sister Saturday. It was nice to connect with her again.

I'm currently corresponding with some nice people over the internet, on which we met. I'm not holding my breath in the least. I think this is one of the few times I'm content to let it be emails. But between me and the internet, one of them I'm increasingly interested in. He's not what I would normally consider my type, he's cute. But his personality is really winning me over. I think I would love to meet up with him and get lost in a conversation over coffee. That sounds nice.
Oh and I'm talking to another older guy. 45. ;) I don't base them on age, it just happens. He's nice. And he's a radiologist, and he is related to the head coach of an NFL team. He's wealthy. Too bad I'm not a gold digger. I paid for the last dinner out, and I really know that if I didn't feel something strong for someone, I couldn't live a lie. But I'd be lying if I said I would at least consider should he invite me to Europe someday. ;) He is interesting. We're still just talking, but I can't help but feel he's in a sense looking for a trophy wife. I know I don't fit any trophy category at all, which makes me think that I should just ride out this roller coaster because it will end here pretty quickly. Whether by him finding someone cuter or me telling him I want love and companionship and not money.

Here it is! This is the album cover! And I think it's GREAT!

I've been up and down and all around it's all about survival

This is me at three years. I think I was a cute kid. And look at the great hair! I was so innocent. But I wouldn't go back for the world. To live isn't easy, but I sure do have a great time most of the time.



So what is the measure of happiness? For me, it's accepting myself. That I'm not perfect. That I'm prone to be normal, yet unique in my own way. Being me and being happy with what I have and where I'm going. I find that I'm slowly still getting over my insecuritues. Oh my, he hasn't called! It must be me. I got a bad grade, it's because I'm just so stupid.

That isn't the answer. It took me so long to understand that I hold the key to my happiness. It's not if he calls me back. It's not how many frineds I have by my side. It's not driving a posh car. While all these help, it comes down to the fact that I'm comfortable in this skin.

I turned down a date tonight with a cute guy to study. I turned down going to see Tori Amos in concert tomorrow because I have a very big test on Saturday morning. While in the moment it was hard, I know that I will be happier for doing what I did, making that choice. Tori will come again. The cute guy and I are getting together on Tuesday. Things have a way of working out when you do what you know to be right.

I find I'm getting over my need to please other people and I feel more stable and happier. While I like to be nice and I want others to be happy there is a difference.

I feel like I'm kind of on my own these days. I'm exploring and I'm really enjoying it. I'm staying home on Friday nights so Saturday can be a full, productive day. I'm staying in to study so I can do well in school. I'm meeting guys out and focusing on being their friend rather than worrying where it's going to go.

"In the blink of an eye everything could change, say hello to your life now you're living. This is it from now on it's a brand new day, it was time to wake up from this dream."

I think I feel like I'm on my way home, finally.

Really, the world is your oyster

"Well, I think that being reduced is good for you. You can evolve from such an experience." -Guy Ritchie




It seems that everyday I learn a bit more that when it comes right down to it, I need to make sure I'm okay with me. When things go awry or people bail, you come back to you. But I find that it makes me stronger and I feel better about myself.

I find that being more comfortable with myself makes the world seem like a canvas. It's exciting to think of all the limitless possibilities.

I want the good life, but I don't want an easy ride

Although sometimes I think it would be a nice change. I spoke with my dad tonight and it helps to hear your dad say that things will be okay and everything will work out. I really needed to hear that. I am really lucky to have the dad that I have. He admits he doesn't understand, but he told me that he is my dad and I'm his son and he'll always love me. And he believes in me. I feel like because of the great parents that I have, I am able to be a better person.

I liked this picture of Madonna, she looks strong and ready. That's how I feel now, post-dad conversation feeling.

I found this to be the possible cover art for the sing Hung Up, but it's not very likely, but I like it nonetheless.

This is a fake, and I'm happy though it seems to be more along the lines of what I would expect from Madonna. If you'll notice, she doesn't have her face showing on only one of her discs (excluding the excerpts of Evita) and that's the Immacualte Collection.

Here is what the majority is saying Confessions on a Dancefloor cover will be. I like it. It's different from anything she has done.

some advice I just needed to hear

Keep your head held high, ride like the wind. Never look behind life isn’t fair. Don’t run away so fast. Wipe away all your tears, it’s gonna be alright.

I fought to be so strong, But I was afraid to be left behind.

You’ve got to forget the past, and learn to forgive. Don’t let memory play games with your mind. Let go of the faded smile frozen in time.

I am totally HUNG UP!

I LOVE the new Madonna single "Hung Up" It totally samples some of ABBA "Gimmie! Gimmie! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)" And I have included a link where you can hear a sample.


http://perso.wanadoo.es/spunky05/HUNG/index.htm

This song totally says what I feel everytime that DAMN GUY doesn't call when he says he will. Or my phone calls get screened and I NEVER HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN! Why can't guys just be mature about it and say, "I'm just not interested anymore." Why do they have to fall off the face of the earth?

Oh well.

As someone I dated told me, "It gets the point accross."

Sure it does.

But saying "We're over" is just as effective and saves a lot of dignity and time. Oh the time I've wasted calling guys, only to never hear from them again.

"Waiting for your call,
Baby night and day
I'M FED UP
I'm tired of waiting for you."

That I Would be Good

Do you ever get the feeling that the world has stopped turning and everyone has left you behind? Why am I so depressed? I knew he'd go. SO GET OVER IT RYAN!!! **fuck 'em all**

I feel like I'm back to square one. I must have burnt through my box of matches and now I need to build another one.
But I've always been a scrapper. I've worked from the bottom many times. I just feel this fall much more strongly.

I guess I felt like I finally got a handle on freindships and relationships. But those both went tumbling down. I want to leave this town.

But that'd just be running away. That's how I'm gonna look at things. I'm on my own again. Back to when I would read books on a Friday night and be asleep by 11pm. I rememeber I'd be up at like 7:30 on a Saturday morning to clean the bathroom.

Those days have returned. I feel it in my bones.

Well, I can complain or get going...

"And if I fall, I get up again now..."

“My Clothes Feel Like Someone’s Old Throw-aways”

Sometimes the only thing I can do is say goodbye. It rips my heart out and tears it open, but I’ll survive. No one has died yet of a broken heart.

I feel that if I try and get close to anyone, then that’s the beginning of the end. I must be cursed. Maybe this is karma coming back to get me. Whatever it is, I’ll have to muddle through and hopefully will learn a little something along the way.

Maybe it’s time I look for a substitute for love, since love itself has evaded me. Again.

I’ll look for the silly game, and things that can be bought. I’ll find a pretty face and keep it superficial. I’ll travel round the world and hunger for rooms full of pretentious strangers. I’ll buy trinkets, look for heady danger, try new drugs. I’ll play on the Ferris wheel, steal hearts, make laughter in the dark. Bring on the one night stands, I’ll spark fires and cause a blaze.

But I’ll be unhappy. Loneliness has never been a stranger. I just can no longer be a moth to a flame.

I guess it’s me. I just am terrible at anything more than friendship. So that’s where I’ll have to keep it for now.

Ugh

So I think I'm coming down with something, but I'm going to try and nip it in the bud before it develops into something really ugly. It's def a Nyquil night!

i'm also really bad at taking things slowly. So no call or text for the whole day and I'm freaking out that he no longer even remembers I exist. But my coworker told me to "STOP FREAKING OUT!" she said that we're taking it slowly and that slowly means a day or even a few without talking. But I have tomorrow night off and I wanted to call and see if he'd be up for something. She said that is acceptable. But no calling to just chit chat, I can only call if I have a plan in mind. This is totally a lesson I'm learning that I NEED to learn.

I also figured that I'm probably a bit neurotic. I really think my reality, especially concerning myself is warped some. I remember that when I was a kid I would tell myself that nobody would ever love me, and I guess that's a part of my really bad self-esteem and self image. I finally believed myself. Why did I do that as a kid and adolescent? I guess I've hated myself for being gay for a very long time now. When I was in denial I really hated myself. I knew I was different and that's why there was hate. But I'm getting better. But it doesn't make things any easier now. but I think that I'm far along enough to tell myself to sit back and relax that things will be okay, I'm learning patience. And I've noticed that it's my clingy nature that has driven a lot of beaus away in the past...

Breathe...

in the good ol' summertime

So now that Labor Day is over, I guess it's time for me to let the summer go. I had much fun this summer. This pic kinda sums the summer up for me. If I were straight, she would be my wife.

I loved the sunset. It was breathtaking. This particular spot reminded me of the above place in guatemala...

Here's me with wild and crazy shorts on (I'm camping) and also this is my gosh-I-need-to-work-on-my-arms-much-more pose. hehe ;) But I was enamored by this place, I forgot how much I miss the forest. I was on sensory overload the whole trip, trying to take it all in.

Could you ever believe that something so pretty was in AZ?

why do the good girls always want the bad boys?

He's no good for me. I know, I know. But why does he still make my nerves boil? I have tried to play his games, and try and withstand all the doubt he brings me. And for the most part no longer feel he has much over me.

When I leave his side, I never feel reassured, I still feel I have next to nothing with him.
But he keeps calling me.

I felt guilty last night. He said that he was going to ask me to stay over. But since I never responded to his texts (I was at dinner with a friend) he played the rejected role and said, "But I guess you're busy, g-night."
I need more than a few hours to adjust my schedule. Does he expect me to wait around for his beckoning call?

I like him, but he's not good for me. I know, I know.

I know what it is. He's got walls and walls built. And I'm dying to get through them. But I just don't think I can. I honestly feel like a disposable person with him. Only wants me around when it's convenient for him. Ever since I started talking to him, I've been counting down to when I would be tossed aside. I never thought that I'd be voluntarily leaving, at least begin inching towards the door.

what are friends for...

We all know about MLK, Marcus Garvey, and the other famous, more prominent black figures in history, but what about the less famous ones who have made arguably as valuable contributions?

Take Exhibit 1...

Cheryl "Peaches" Delaney of Englewood, NJ, was working the night shift at a McDonalds in 1974. The 16 year-old high school junior had just been severely reprimanded by her manager, one Arnold McFarland, over her Afro hairdo being unprofessional. McFarland gave her an ultimatum of wearing a clown hat or being fired, and Delaney, working to save money for cosmetology school, relented and wore the clown hat.

Hours later, she noticed several of her classmates in the drive-through window, on their way to a party. Lucious Jones, Fred Williams, Eddie James, and Derrick Smith were riding in a green AMC Pacer. The four of them ordered four hamburgers, and were going to split three orders of fries and two cokes. Peaches, filling the order, noticed that McFarland (the manager) had taken his nightly thirty-minute bathroom break, had an epiphany.

She locked eyes with LaWanda, who was on fries, and Fat Sam, who was on the register, and in a blur of motion, they stuffed 5 jumbo bags with every single hamburger, cheeseburger, French fry, cookie, and other item they could find, accepting $1.01 from Lucious Jones as payment.

Cheryl "Peaches" Delaney had invented...

"The Hook-Up".

We salute you Ms. Cheryl "Peaches" Delaney...a Black pioneer and hero!

Happiness lies in your own hands, and Happy Birthday Mom

I'm listening to ATB "I wanna cry." That song seems to fit my moods more often than not. Not because I want to cry, but because it puts me in a pensive mood. When I analyze my life and where I've been and where I'm going.

I told my mom I'm not an active Mormon anymore and she cried. I felt bad. Nobody likes it when their mom cries. But I'm still resolved in my decision. She told me that no matter what she is my mom and she will always love me.

I wavered some on the boy. But once again I'm firm in my knowledge that trying to get close to him is like opening up a pretty package of poison. I'll get hurt in the end. A little bit of me got really attached to him where I remember him often throughout the day but don't feel any real pain. Mostly I wonder what we could have been, and it's kinda too bad because we could have had much more fun.






I'm really busy with school. I'm trying to learn French again and it's totally kicking my butt, but I'm going to do it.

I saw today that last week over 100 people (okay like 102) visited my site. I once again wondered who would want to read the ramblings of a nut. But then saw that the average time spend in the site was 7 seconds. LOL. Long enough for some poor soul to realize where he/she is and move on... ;)

Bathwater

That’s what I’ve been doing. Bathing in his old bathwater. Telling myself that he’d never love another.

Until he no longer had much time to hang out or be together because all of a sudden he owed lots of other people his time. Others who he had continued to flirt with.

I don’t grovel. Like me because I’m me. Not because I text you every waking hour of the day and night. Not because I buy you lots of things or give you everything you mention. Not because I run by your side the moment you say you don’t feel well.

But because you know that I could give you support and will accept you and your dreams and will do what I can to help you reach them. That one day I could love you and put you first in my life. And try and make you happy.

Of course I know you would never do that for me.

I don’t feel or want to say that someday you’ll regret letting me go. I don’t want there to be pain for anyone. I don’t hate you.
You were simply a lesson I needed to learn. I feel I have come out of this as a wiser man. I understand things about love and friendship a bit better. I know what is important and what can be gilded.
I just simply want to wave and walk away. I’ll see you again. Maybe in the arms of your new lover. But I don’t want to feel bad, or happy for you.

I simply want to let you pass into the past. And not forget you, nor remember you.
I’ll never say goodbye, but I let go of all the hope I ever had for us.

She's got a separate universe

And I feel like everything will be okay.
I feel like everything is going as it should.

But I can't deny there is still that nagging voice of doubt in the back of it all. I wish I could return to my youth, to my childhood only in the sense that everything was so innocent.

one cannot live with such poison

We began under doomed circumstances, circumstances with which I was never very comfortable.

I'm going to ask that you never return. I feel inside you still hurt me.

I never saw forever in your eyes. While we cannot predict the future, it's nice to know that someone is going to fight for it at least.

I'm going to ask you to never come back. My heart still hurts. You should know well what it is to break the heart of someone.

I cannot live with such poison.

set your stakes too high, you're bound to lose

So I finally accepted what deep down I knew all along. He's no good for me.

I can't try and give in a relationship only to receive very little in return. I need something in return.

I felt like I could never fully relax around him. I always had to be on my gaurd. It was only 2.5 weeks. But there was more. I never felt I could trust him. And around his "friend" we had to act like near strangers.

I can't be in anything like that. Make up your mind to date me and not be worried that someone will find out. Or just let it go. Before I get anymore involved.

Well, you don't have to let go, I just did.

one more step into the unknown

I have been thinking a lot today. I'm not sure if my life is going where I want it to be going.

School began today and I think that I'll be able to do well in my classes but I will have to work hard, study hard and give up a lot of my social activities.

Directions that I really have no idea where they are leading to, I am heading. But I feel that I just need to hang in there. I feel in my bones that things are happening right now, things that are going to cause great change, necessary change, in my life. That's why I'm just trying to deal with life on a daily basis. I am trying to keep abreast on things that I can control, but as they say, you can plan a picnic but you can't predict the weather.

I was also wondering, when a friend told me that he read my blog, if anyone really reads this thing anymore. I know it's moved onto the back shelf in my life. I write when I have time and the urge to say something. But then that's why it's here. For me. ;)

I have already gone further and relaxed more and accepted things in such a way that has proved to be VERY difficult for me in the past. Maybe the change I feel is going to be more of an internal change than an external change.

I'm learning to accept that people have different views on relationships. What is acceptable, how fast one should move, when an open mouth kiss is just a kiss to one, but reaching a deeper level of intimacy for another. Learning to trust the words of another when everything in you wants to disbelieve all that is said. Understanding that come what may, I will always have myself to answer to, so making sure I can look myself in the mirror is important.

moving forward, it's just simply moving forward. making sacrifices now to help tomorrow be that much better. that's what I'm doing, what everyone does, and really though it's hard, it's worth it. It's definitely worth it.

yo yo yo what's up!

I'm exhausted. I'm sick and tired of hashing out my thoughts on paper, to friends, pretty much there still is no answer and there never will be one, yet I cannot relax about it. It's essentially going to come down to me just dealing with it.

Really what I need to do is have some quiet, alone time and just think about it. I know what conclusion I need to come to, it's just getting my heart and head up that hill to the same spot of understanding.

And sheesh. We've only been talking a couple of weeks.

And if it so be that ye should labor...

The following is a very strong and moving letter written by the mother ofa gay boy in Vermont...

"Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexualmenace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I've taken enough fromyou good people. I'm tired of your foolish rhetoric about the "homosexualagenda" and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant.

You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny.My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay.He never professed to be gay or had any association with anything gay, buthe had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the other boys. Hewas called "fag" incessantly, starting when he was 6.

In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn't bear to continue living any longer, that he didn't want to be gay and that he couldn't face a life without dignity.You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don't know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn't put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it's about time you started doing that.

At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won't get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don't know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.If you want to tout your own morality, you'd best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you.

If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it. For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I'm puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something youhave chosen, that you could change it at will? If that's not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?

A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul a Vermonter, so I'll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for "true Vermonters."

You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for this great country, saying that they didn't give their lives so that the "homosexual agenda" could tear down the principles they died defending. My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II, was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart.He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live. He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one. One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all. That wasn't the measure of the man.

You religious folk just can't bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities that he should request the right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance.How dare he? you say. These outrageous requests would threaten the very existence of your family, would undermine the sanctity of marriage. You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin.

The deep-thinking author of a letter to the April 12 Valley News who lectures about homosexual sin and tells us about "those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing" asks: "What ever happened to the idea of striving . . . to be better human beings than we are?"

Indeed, sir, what ever happened to that? "

it is what it is, and I know what I feel

How do you tell your friend, yes, we are talking. How do you tell your friend, yes, we are moving in that more-than-friends direction. How do you tell your friend that it's with someone he still isn't over?

I'm trying to be mature. Maturity is something I saw in N and liked. I have resolved to do what I can to let some of the little boy in me fall into the past. While fiercely guarding my childhood dreams, and the childlike ambitions and views, I know that I need to grow up in certain areas too. Relationships being one of them. No, I'm not going to find Mr. Perfect. He doesn't exist. If someone doesn't like me, then I accept that it happens. If someone has a life outside of me while we are just getting to know each other, that is their prerogative. I need to let the cynicism go. I need to stop worrying that they are spending time with me only so they can hurt me in the end.

I need to just relax and enjoy what I have. I'm a big boy. If you don't like me, then I'll move on just fine. I'll recover from the broken heart and bruises, I'll stay alive.

And I also know that I would rather my friend be happy and I temporarily unhappy rather than both unhappy. I know because I have had to watch a man I felt strongly for kiss and hold other men so a friendship could develop. In my heart I knew that is what I needed to do. And now I feel the same feeling that in my heart, I am doing what I need to be doing. I don't regret and I'm not looking for reasons. I'm following my intuition. And I can honestly say I'm happy, but not without the wish that my friend would accept that not everything is the way he thinks and expects it to be. But I'm not giving up on him either. I have a gut feeling that things will work out; everything is going to be alright.

a little bit of nothing

A summer party was thrown one beautiful, sunny day. A large, cool glass of lemonade was given to each guest upon arrival. All talked, laughed and shared one another’s company. As the glasses were emptied, the guests slowly left, and soon there was no one left in the yard. The streamers and banners gently wafted in the breeze, and darkness began to descend. No one ever noticed the large pitcher of lemonade on the table, brimming with the sweet juice. No one ever noticed it.

If you could only see the way

My lunch today was a sandwich purchased from a vending multi-level refrigerated carousel. Ugh. It was only made bearable by pilfering for Wendy’s ketchup packets from my co-worker’s desk and then spurting the contents on the sandwich and squeezing out every last drop of red goodness. I’m sure I’ll survive, and yes, things were in such a state that I needed something solid. I can only drink water and coffee for so long.

The minute I walked into work this morning and unloaded all my unnecessary necessities, my co-worker/self-acclaimed clairvoyant came over with her ceramic turtle paper-weight and predicted that today not very much work would get done. Who am I to try and disprove the turtle? So not much work has been completed today.

I’m loving my new gmail account. It is the best thing since my first hotmail account. I feel all special when I get a new message and I can “archive” and then search for mail rather than sort it. Wow. I stand all amazed at the freedom gmail has given me.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I like The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf better than Starbucks. But I was recently introduced to the “Mocha Valencia” from SB. Not bad, but not very good either. No wonder they omitted that from the menu.

I am growing a beard, but today reached my threshold and cannot endure it any longer. I am going to trim it, shave it, not sure which. But something needs to change. Everyone says I look good with the beard, but I think I’ll experiment more with it in the fall.

I was reading a blog today and I saw an entry where Madonna’s acting was totally picked apart. I have to agree, but sheesh, stop looking for the man behind the curtain. It’s just like we know the beaches in Southern CA are sucky for swimming but we all go anyway. And on that note, I’d even love to move closer to them so I could be miserable many times a year, dealing with the horribly cold, murky water. And I will continue to see all of Madonna’s movies despite the fact that I cringe through the whole thing at the transparent, fully calculated delivery of the lines. BUT I LOVE YOU MADONNA!!! Don’t tell me I don’t sacrifice for true love. It’s all a give and take relationship.

I’ve almost finished the 6th Harry Potter book. I feel like nothing has been accomplished. I want to smack Harry and tell him to stop getting so wrapped up in Draco, and I need to let JK Rawling know that it seems she didn’t enjoy writing this book as much as the others. It seems that she rushed through it and just wanted to be done. Yes ma’am, we readers pick up on things like that. But since I’m addicted, and the story line is still rather enticing, I’ll finish it.

distressed that sometimes the XL shirt fits perfectly

I realized that it’s okay to feel bad for noticing a difference between the email N and the person that came to visit. I was feeling so upset because in my mind I was telling myself that I should not be feeling upset for the difference. The event showed that he and I can be good friends but nothing more and I was hurt that once he actually met me, he lost interest. I started figuring that there must be something terribly wrong with me. And I was mad at myself for feeling this way, that I should just be accepting of it. But it’s okay to feel bad. I know I’m not a perfect person, but I’m also a good person, and confusion of what was different about meeting in person is okay to feel. It’s also okay that we didn’t click. I know that it was not on my part. He had his reasons. While I would like to know the reasons, I don’t want to know them. I must just continue to try and improve myself on a daily basis. After all, everyone is just traveling down their own road, watching the signs as they go, following their own hearts.